MOMENT | The quickest way to calm your child, is to calm yourself first: here's how - with Dr Kristin Neff

0:08So we know self-compassion actually enhances motivation. But again, just the source of the motivation is different. It moves from if you don't succeed, I'm going to think you're a failure, hang my head in chain, to I want you to succeed because I care about you. And actually that positive mind states, more creative thinking, more flexible thinking because you aren't in the grip of fear. So it's actually a very helpful thing. And since we know from the research that I'm comfortable saying that it's actually one of the most powerful sources of coping and resilience we have available to us. So, for instance, we've done a lot of work with veterans, American veterans coming back from Iraq and Afghanistan.

0:45And we found soldiers levels of self-compassion was more predictive of whether or not they develop post-traumatic stress syndrome than how much action they saw. In other words, it's not just what you face in life that determines how you cope. It's like, how do you relate to yourself when times are difficult? Are you an inner ally or an inner enemy? right what's going to make you stronger to have an ally by your side the voice in your head saying i got your back i'm here i care you know whatever happens it's okay i'm here to support you or that inner voice that says you're crap you're no good you can't do it what a failure i mean clearly having this little enemy voice inside of our heads which many of us do does not make us strong it just undermines us so when you learn to be an inner ally this kind of good supportive friend or you might think of it as like the ideal compassionate supportive coach to parent when you have that voice inside of your head it's going to make you much stronger and more able to succeed it's interesting you said parent because i was thinking as you was talking i was like it's almost like parenting ourselves isn't it you know if jesse fell over how i would respond to her which would be with gentleness and kindness and and if i did the same i would probably be like can't believe you've done that you know it's very much like parenting ourselves in fact kind of like reparenting ourselves who may or may not have had those ideal parents.

2:05It's a really good analogy being a good parent because yeah, so if your child falls down and is hurt, you might soothe and comfort them. But as a parent, you don't only soothe and comfort your child. Mommy, I don't want to go to school today. Can I eat those three tubs of chocolate ice cream? You don't say, oh sure, little Johnny, right? That's indulgent. If we really love our kids, we don't indulge them because yeah, she gives them short-term pleasure, but it's going to cause them long-term harm. We don't let them skip school. We motivate them. We want them to reach their ideal goals. It's exactly the same thing with ourselves.

2:38Sometimes we have to say no to ourselves. You need to exercise. You need to eat better. You need to work harder. Whatever you need to do to be happy, if we really care about ourselves in the same way a parent would care for their child, we aren't going to let ourselves off the hook. We aren't going to indulge ourselves. We aren't going to be weak or lazy. There's two ways you can parent a child. And sadly, the old way used to be spare the rod and spoil the child. You know, we really used to believe as parents that we had to use harsh, horrible punishment to get our kids to stay in line. We use fear as a way to control our kids.

3:15And now we know, especially through all the research, that love, support, kindness, often with firm boundaries. This isn't like sloppy love. This is often tough love, but that a way to support and be there for your kids is much more effective. And it's the exact same thing with ourselves.

3:36Is there any research on self-compassionate parents and how their parenting changes and how that child's behavior changes? There is a little bit of research on parents, not as much. I think it's a really great area. We've actually developed a compassion training program, and we're kind of hard at work at making an adaptation for parents, but it's kind of early days yet, so we don't really have the technology quite yet. But certainly we know that it helps parents cope. It helps them cope with stress. We know that people, for instance, who maybe didn't have a good childhood history with their parents had insecure attachment, that they can actually reparent themselves to give themselves secure attachment.

4:15We know it's very helpful for parents, especially in terms of dealing with stress. But I think the next step of research, which will be really exciting, is to see, you know, how does it benefit my children? I know this not as a researcher, but as a parent, as you know, as always, if you read my book and saw my film, you know, my child's autistic. And I just don't know what I would have done if I didn't have my self-compassion practice when he got diagnosed. First of all, it helped me cope, right? It allowed me to fully accept all these feelings I thought I shouldn't be having, feelings of, you know, feelings of disappointment, fear, and kind of like, is it something I did?

4:55Or, you know, was it that margarita I had when I was six and was pregnant? You know, all these thoughts go through your head. So it really allowed me to accept myself and to be there and comfort myself. But what it really allowed me to do, the more I could accept and comfort and support myself, especially when things were difficult, is it allowed me to be there for Rowan. Here's really the key reason why all parents and all mothers especially need to know. It is not selfish to give yourself compassion when you're parenting your child. And that's because as human beings, our brains are actually designed to emotionally resonate with each other.

5:34This is actually a key feature of human being success. You know, those groups who could read each other's emotions, who are able to resonate with each other. We are much more able to cooperate and we are much more likely to survive. And this happens at the pre-verbal level. We actually have something called mirror neurons that allow us to feel what other people are feeling. So, you know, if you see someone get their finger slammed in the door, the pain centers of your brain are going to light up. Right. This is part of the way our brains are structured. And this is why sometimes, you know, maybe your spouse comes home and you're in a bad mood and you try to hide it and they can always tell because they can feel your mood.

6:11So what happens is when with our children, you know, we may be very careful to try to be loving and caring toward them. And all children tantrum, I mean, autistic children really tantrum, but all children do. So when you are even trying to fake it and like trying to be the best parent you can, but inside you're like really frustrated or really angry. or maybe you're beating yourself up because you did something bad, your child is picking up on that. Your child is feeling it. And I saw this with Ron. He was like a mirror for me, especially, you know, he took a long time to talk. So when our verbal communication wasn't very good, I'll tell you a story.

6:48I remember one time I was on a plane, we were on a transatlantic flight and something triggered him. He went into a full on screaming, flailing tantrum. And, you know, And I thought, oh, my God, what am I going to do? And I had the brilliant idea of off into the toilet. Well, maybe it'll muffle his cry. But, of course, it was occupied. So, you know, here he is outside the toilet, screaming. Finally, he's a big five-year-old. And I had nothing to fall back on except my self-compassion practice. You know, I did this often with him. I would put all my energy on myself. You know, this is so hard. You know, I feel so helpless.

7:24And, you know, trying to be kind to myself, giving myself soothing, supportive words. maybe holding my own hand and just, you know, it's going to be okay. I'm here for you. I would speak to myself like, you know, literally as if I were speaking to a really good friend. And when I did that, he would inevitably calm down. It's like his mirror neurons were sinking with mine. So when I was agitated and overwhelmed, he would get more agitated because he's picking up on my mind state. When I could calm and soothe myself and kind of fill myself with a sense of kindness and care, he would need that and calm down.

7:59So it's a two-way street, right? So even though we're with our kids and they're screaming and, you know, it agitates us because our mirror neurons are being activated. If we can deal with that internally with self-compassion, we're actually indirectly helping our children. First of all, we can model it for them, like explicitly, but even implicitly, they're picking up on our more kind, peaceful state of mind. So this idea that, you know, as if it's even possible to treat people kindly and beat ourselves up and as if it won't affect them, it does. And again, the more we're kind to ourselves, the more other people benefit, not only because we've got more resources, but also just because they're interacting with someone who's more peaceful and full of kindness and love.

8:43You know, it's one of my things I'm most passionate about because I know so many parents don't give themselves permission to be kind to themselves, but it really is the best thing you can do for your child as well as yourself.