MOMENT | Top relationship coach reveals the number one reason you feel so distant from your partner, with Matthew Fray

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1:32When I was reading the book and diving into your work, I was thinking, you know, everyone knows if you ask someone what's important in a marriage, that word intimacy would come up. Someone would say, well, we have to be intimate. I think people think that's about physical relationship or how much sense you're in. I don't think that at all now. I think intimacy is, can I bring something that's on the inside of me that I might be embarrassed to say really upset me? Can I actually bring that to you? And can you hold that for me? and if you can't I'm gonna be slowly edging away and then the intimacy goes and then everything else crumbles doesn't it and I've had experience of this where you know I've brought things to my husband said you know that thing that you said when we were in front of people the other day that made me feel really embarrassed I felt like you were sort of taking piss out of me and he's done that thing like we've talked about it since and I think he gets it but he's done that thing.

2:24He's like, what? That don't be ridiculous. It's like, ah, am I safe to bring my insights to you? Isn't that like the core of a good, lasting, healthy marriage? Can I bring the stuff that might be embarrassing to me or really vulnerable to me, the little things, can I bring those to you? And can you hold those with love and tenderness? Can you step into my experience for a moment? I think it's that, whether it's a glass, it doesn't matter, That's a metaphor for can I bring the stuff that bothers me about you and life to you? And can you listen? Can you hear me? It's really important. And I couldn't agree more.

2:59And I think one of the ideas we haven't really talked about, but I've mentioned the word a couple of times is this notion of safety. I think a lot of, again, I'm sorry that I'm making this so gendered because I don't like it because I don't think gender stereotypes are useful particularly, but it is how I sort of observe it. A lot of men fail to recognize the danger or the absence of safety in these nuanced emotional ways in relationships. And I think they fail to understand. And intimacy is a good word because so many men associate, in my experience, in my coaching work specifically, this idea of intimacy with physical intimacy specifically.

3:34They crave that. And I've read plenty of people infinitely smarter than me say a lot of men connect emotionally with their romantic partners via the physical intimacy process. And I understand. So they crave it. And it feels awful and lonely, not just in like a gross base mammal needs way, but in a legitimate human connection way when they feel rejected or denied like that on a case by case basis. And what I talked to so many guys about is this idea that what's happened is the marriage, the relationship has become unsafe. I love the Maslow's hierarchy of needs pyramid as a way to think about this.

4:12Because for anybody who doesn't remember, level one of the pyramid is basic needs, air, food, water, shelter. We have to acquire those things in order to graduate to level two of the human needs pyramid. And the whole point is to move our way up to the top of the pyramid where we're going to be living our best lives. And so we get air, food, water, shelter. We're good. We move up level two of the pyramid as we have to achieve safety. That means we're not diagnosed with a deadly illness. Our money didn't go away in a stock market crash. A bear isn't chasing us. Things like that. And it can also be this more nuanced notion of emotional safety in the context of a relationship.

4:50These invisible things that happen, at least so-called invisible things, happen in relationships. these ways in which we demonstrate ourselves to be unreliable emotionally, where again, I communicate, it has to matter to me, independent of you, for me to do anything that feels like love and care for you becomes the dynamic. Even though I think that idea is missing from like his head usually, but a lack of safety emerges. Up the pyramid, one level is belonging and togetherness and family and friends and community and all of the things we crave as humans, where we want involvement and we want friendships.

5:28We want to be part of families and groups and tribes and things like that. And I truly believe like dating and like physical intimacy live up on level three. It's all of this stuff we did as young single people when we first became attracted and then we went out in the world and explored our relationship together. We did level three things. Safety was a non-issue. Safety didn't come into play until years into the relationship effort had been slowly eroded. And what I think happens is safety goes away. Wife girlfriend lives on level two of the pyramid. He's still up on level three. He doesn't feel unsafe yet.

6:00And he's trying to connect with his relationship partner in a physically intimate or dating or fun way, unlike level three of the pyramid. But she's still like, I'm not safe. So many guys get so frustrated by she changed. She doesn't want to have fun anymore. She rejects me constantly. and that often like precipitates the end of a relationship because they never reconnect there. He never understands that achieving safety again is like got to be the highest priority. And I don't know. I don't think that she has any responsibility necessarily in that. I may be effective communication to the best of her ability, but usually she's been trying for years and it hasn't worked out very well.

6:40I find that to be the most common pattern.

6:47Thank you.