MOMENT | Why it's ok to get it wrong 70% of the time, with Josh Connolly

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1:17Hi everyone, welcome to this week's Motherkind moment. your place on a Monday for calm, connection, and maybe even a shift in perspective before the crazy week ahead. Thank you for being here. Thank you for pressing that play button. This week's moment is with Josh Conley, a mental health expert that I spoke to back in November 2020. Josh shares why we only need to get it right 30 % of the time and what getting it right looks like to him. Here is the moment. I hope you enjoy it. If you get it right 30 % of the time, I think you're doing well. I get it wrong a lot. I might be, again, I'm going to quote Gabor Mate here.

2:06Gabor Mate, I did a workshop with him a while ago and he said, I have a lot of knowledge of myself, but that's different to self-knowledge in that I can have all of this knowledge, but when you put me in that parenting position, that wounded part of me kicks in and comes into play. And it's in my relationships where this trauma stuff plays out. You know, I can do all the work and be very good at talking about it in this way, but when I'm in it and I'm doing it, it becomes very difficult. One of the main things that I try to do is I root what I do in self-compassion. So I have an understanding that I'm going to get it wrong frequently because I'm doing the work the best I can, but things still show up.

2:43But when I get it wrong, it goes back to what we've already said. My kids know I've got it wrong. We all know I've got it wrong. So I either just move on, sweep it under the carpet and pretend it's not there. Or I sit to my children and I say, you know what, I'm doing my best. And here's what I believe I shouldn't have done in that situation. And I'm sorry that I've done that. And you didn't deserve that. And that's how I showed up in that moment. When I look at my son, who I sort of speak about in particular, he's nine years old now. we had a really difficult relationship maybe two or three years ago and I was really struggling in the relationship with him as his dad and I remember saying to my wife I don't know what to do I don't know what to do about this right what do I do with him and my wife said it's nothing to do with him you're the problem and even though I'd already was already on the healing journey then I realized wow, this is me.

3:36And what was happening was, is because he's very sensitive, very much like I was sensitive. He was exposing every unhealthy defense mechanism I had against my own sensitivity. So when I sensed his sensitivity, I couldn't handle the ways that I felt. So I was desperately trying to suppress it in him and he was kicking back. And when I changed my stance on that and I said, you know what, the work is on me, I was able to show up much more of a parent. You know, I was able to show up much closer to the 30 % that I talk about of when I need to show up. So it has to be rooted in that self-compassion and it has to be, you know, I look at it as a journey and understand that I get it wrong a lot and terribly, but the most important thing that I have to do is be conscious to that.

4:17One of the biggest problems I think I experienced as a child was the apathy, the nobody validating and going, you know what, this was all wrong, what happened and how you're feeling is right. And let's explore that. It all got swept under the carpet and we sort of go again. We put the mask back on. we act like everything's normal and we go again and that was hugely detrimental to me so I just believe the feeling work as hard as it is the allowing every emotion to be acceptable no matter what it is and know that you're still loved is probably some of the most important things that I do within the household as much as I can.