MOMENT | Your anger isn't the problem, not knowing how to manage it is - with Dr. Caroline Boyd

0:07So Caroline, it's just totally normal for us mums to feel angry, isn't it? yeah it's absolutely normal it's a very normal emotion it's what makes us human I think it's important to distinguish between anger which is a very normal emotion and aggression as a behavior and this isn't about condoning aggressive behavior but I think it's about finding ways to understand your anger and to channel and discharge it safely and constructively shall we think a bit about what's going on in our brain and our body when we feel anger. So anger erupts in response to either a direct physical threat or a threat to our self-esteem or our dignity or feeling belittled in some way or thwarted in a desired goal.

0:52We might feel anger in response to perceived threats like our child hitting out at us or, you know, siblings vying for our attention or our baby crying for long periods of time. And just thinking about what's going on in our bodies, threats like these generate a very quick adrenaline rush. So unlike sadness, anger is a very energising emotion. And that hormone readies the body for fight or flight or freeze. And we also experience this cortisol surge which can last for longer for hours or even days so the important thing to understand about anger is that anger builds on anger so we flip our lid after a series of provocations and this means that by the fourth or fifth provocation you know that could be after a day of feeling very overstimulated meeting little people demands perhaps feeling touched out after that fourth or fifth aggravation we erupt into a ball of rage and it could be you know in response to something quite innocuous at that point like losing our keys and we just lose it the thing to realize and understand that in flipped lid mode we are beyond seeing logic we just can't think straight we've been hijacked by our emotional brain and our thinking brain's gone offline and we can no longer be connected with ourselves or our children even our moral reasoning's gone out of whack so we might act in ways that are scary perhaps to our children or to others so I think it's important to understand what is going on in our brains and our bodies when we feel anger and also understanding why anger is such a hidden emotion for mothers mothers aren't allowed to feel angry we're labeled mad or bad sometimes hysterical if we feel angry and so there's no space for it I talk a lot about the super mum myth which has us believe that good mums always calm coping and in control so that when we feel anger we suppress it we shove it down which leaves it simmering beneath the surface then when our children do test us which of course they do sometimes it all comes spilling out.

3:09so we need to understand that our anger is a signal it's alerting us actually to an unmet need so understanding our anger as this alarm away from the myth of super mom and those impossible expectations so what is underlying our anger is it fear is it grief is it loneliness and I guess understanding part of getting to know your anger and this is you know really about becoming more attuned to your rich emotional world which I talk a lot about in my book and give really practical ideas and meditations and affirmations and visualizations to help you do that but it's really understanding the context for your anger and your triggers so you know what are your triggers?

4:00Is it feeling very alone and unsupported? Is it perhaps feeling the dread of the night coming and having to cope with your baby, perhaps waking multiple times? Are your triggers feeling touched out? And I think, you know, there's a whole range of stresses that our anger can be linked to. It could be purely the pressure of super mum and having those impossible our expectations of ourselves and our children. It can also be external circumstances, so feeling unsupported, unseen and unheard and I think the pandemic really shone a light on the injustices that women experienced and just the fact that women overwhelmingly bear the burden of raising our children.

4:43Anger can also be linked to trauma such as a difficult birth or traumatic childhood experiences where we're taught perhaps to suppress it or it was modelled to us in a way that feels scary or unpredictable and then it's not surprising that you may not have the tools to soothe your anger

5:05what are some of those tools how do we self-soothe there's a much bigger answer to that question perhaps i'll just share with you today one of the exercises from my book which i call the three r's which is about how to manage moments of anger. We know that these feelings of anger can come in situations where we feel very stressed. So an obvious trigger is our baby crying. So the three R's, the first R is about self-regulation. The first thing to try to do is to catch your anger. As we're saying, it's a very normal emotion. And the more that we can catch it early, the more we can then learn to respond.

5:45over time we can learn to respond with compassion for ourselves as well as for our baby so self regulation that could look like naming your anger name it to tame it we know and research shows this that that helps to bring our thinking brain back online again and then we can engage with some of those self-soothing strategies as part of self-regulation if you can if it feels safe it's okay to put your baby down to hand her over to somebody else and to splash your face with icy water we know that really cold water activates your soothing system and again that will help to down regulate you and then the second R from my exercise is about reconnecting so that's understanding that it's okay to feel this anger and so you might have an affirmation to remind yourself of the context oh I'm really tired god yeah I'm feeling absolutely exhausted and also to remind yourself I'm human other mums struggle too I'm not alone in this the key part of reconnecting with yourself is to forgive yourself the anger it doesn't make you bad it's not a sign that you're broken or that your baby's broken it doesn't make you a bad mother it doesn't mean that you're failing.

7:04It simply means that you're human. The third R is about repair. So that might look like, you know, if you're coming back together with your baby, you've done that lovely self-regulating and reconnect with yourself, you're then in a frame of mind where you can come back together with your baby and repair. So that might look like cuddling, soft words, maybe singing and also doing things that help you feel more regulated. So maybe putting on some music that will help you feel relaxed and then you can both repair and do that lovely mutual soothing together. So I think my main message for today is understanding that your anger doesn't make you a bad mum.

7:50It doesn't mean that you're failing, it means that you're human and it's learning ways to discharge it safely and to respond with compassion in the moment as far as you can we all get angry sometimes and you know it doesn't mean anything bad about you I think if you're worried that moments of overwhelm or anger are happening a lot then it could be a sign that you need some extra support in which case you know please speak to someone that you find supportive and empathetic and speak to your GP and they can talk to you about getting you the support that you need. I really think it's an important message to say that asking for help I see it as a sign of strength and it shows your commitment to improving things for you and your family.