Pep Talk | Why Family Drama Feels Worse at Christmas (And How to Protect Your Peace)

0:07Hey, it's Zoe. Welcome back to MotherKind. We are sponsored by Wild Nutrition. women's supplements and every Monday in December I am giving you a little December pep talk because let's be honest December is the mental load Olympics everything ramps up and I want to be a voice that is the antidote to the Christmas pressure and perfection so today we are talking about a big one family dynamics at Christmas yes just that tiny topic in 10 minutes Christmas can to be really hard, right? Not just because of the logistics, but often let's just name it because of the people. We often spend extended time with family that we don't see much the rest of the year.

0:49And that comes with old patterns, old wounds, lots of opportunity to get triggered, especially with different parenting styles, expectations. And let's be honest, sometimes judgment across the generations about how we're raising our children. There's a saying that I love. Your family know how to push your buttons because they put them there. And it's funny because it's true. So if you're kind of excited, but also nervous about seeing your family over Christmas, then this is the episode for you. And I want to help you today feel a bit less triggered, stay out of the drama, feel more in control of you and your responses to whatever might be going on around you.

1:29Okay, let's go. So first up, the first idea that I really want you to take away is that you can't control your family. You actually can't control anyone else apart from yourself. And this is the core of the whole thing. It's the Mel Robbins let them theory. You cannot control who your family are or how they behave. You can only control yourself and your response. So you can't control whether your dad makes that comment that he always makes about what your little one is or isn't eating. You can't control whether your mom compares you to your sibling, whether your in-laws are helpful or not, whether your auntie gets too drunk and starts ranting about politics, you actually can't control any of that.

2:10But you can control how long you stay. You can control what conversations you engage in and whether you respond and get into the ring, as I call it, or walk away. You can control what you make their behavior mean about you or your family or your children. And it sounds simple, doesn't it? Well, okay, I can control myself. I can't control anyone else. Actually, it's difficult. So let's break it down into really practical steps. Step one is to really just drop that fantasy version of your family. We are not in the Waltons. We're in real life. And a huge source of pain is actually expecting people to be different from who they have always shown us they are.

2:49So if your father-in-law has always been blunt or critical, expecting him to suddenly this year be kind, attuned and emotionally mature just because it's Christmas is actually setting yourself up for disappointment. If your mother-in-law has never offered to help with the washing up, then getting furious that she doesn't this time, it kind of isn't fair to you or her. So I want you to ask yourself, are my expectations matching up to who this person has actually shown me they are? Okay, that is super powerful. And then you've got two options. You need to either set a boundary around that behavior or just know that they're going to behave that way and think about how you can keep yourself feeling good and safe within that environment so you might be leaving early.

3:40Okay the second step is to plan ahead for the tricky bits. The really good news is that people are predictable and that patterns repeat. So instead of you sort of hoping oh I'll just handle it differently this year. I want you to do a little bit of prep. So think about, you know, if you know there are certain topics that always upset you or you don't like talking about your family, decide what those are ahead of time. So I won't be talking about my past. I won't be talking about politics. I won't be talking about my deep personal life, separation, money, fertility, career decisions. Think ahead about what you will and won't talk about.

4:18And then here's where the magic happens, prepare a couple of deflection lines. So if someone asks something that you find intrusive or triggering or judgmental, in the moment, it's really hard to respond how we want to. That's why so many of us are like, I wish I'd said this after the moment. Well, you can get ahead of that. So you can think about a couple of lines that you're going to say if you feel judged, if you feel criticized, if someone snaps or shouts at your children, have a line ready. You know what's going to come up even as I'm saying this you're thinking yep Zoe I know what I'm going to say to that person when they do it have it prepared and even practice it a few times.

4:55Step three is to get clear on your boundaries so boundaries are just kind of fancy therapy speak for limits they're just you know what are the limits that you're going to put in place what are your non-negotiables and what are you willing to flex on so some non-negotiables might be how much drinking you're comfortable being around with your young kids, or it might be around the kids' bedtimes, or it might be about what it's okay to say or not to say in front of your children. And some flexible areas might be kind of extra treats. It might be bedtimes. It might be, I don't know, whatever else you feel like I'm really happy to flex on that.

5:33And here's the key. If you want to think about these boundaries and these limits, don't use the word boundary. It's kind of super therapeutic. it can put people in defense. Instead, you know, as you're setting your boundaries, you absolutely can keep it light. You can keep it clear. You can keep it really kind. I have a whole section in this on the book about, I call it the four C's. I don't have time to dive into it in this short episode, but you can just keep it really clear and really kind. For example, I've noticed the girls have loads of chocolate this month. So would it be okay if we just had maybe one moment where we give them sweets on Christmas Day.

6:07I don't want them to have sweets all day. Or today we're going to leave the party by six because I need to get the kids home by nine to get them to sleep or whatever it is. You're not asking for permission. You're just kind of stating your plan with kindness. All right. Step four is to choose your intention for when you want to see your family. So knowing our intention is everything. OK, so your intention might be, I just want to go and see my family. I want to keep things light. I want the kids to connect with their grandparents or their extended family. I just want to enjoy a few simple moments.

6:40I want to leave with my nervous system intact could be an intention. And your intention becomes your anchor throughout the day. So when things get tense or kind of difficult, remind yourself, you know, my intention is to keep it light. My intention is just to see the kids enjoying their family. It's like a little anchor that intention that you can keep coming back to. So really think about that intention, taking a deep breath in, remind yourself of it when things might get intense. So I hope that this episode has been helpful. I hope that you've taken at least one or two things from it. Just some quick ideas on how to have a drama free family Christmas.

7:22And because it is the 22nd, I want to say have an amazing Christmas and make sure that you tune in on Christmas day because I'm going to put something out on Christmas day that I've never done before that I really want you to hear so I will see you well you'll hear from me on the 25th and I'll see you next time what an incredible episode I hope you loved it too if you've got this far then I I'm guessing that you did. So make sure that you share it with a friend and subscribe so you never miss an episode. And I will see you Thursday for more. See you next time.