PEP TALK | Why You’re So Hard on Yourself (And How to Stop)

0:07Hey, it's Zoe. Welcome back to MotherKind. We are sponsored by Wild Nutrition women supplements. And every Monday in December, I'm going to give you a little December pep talk because let's be honest, December is the mental load Olympics. Everything ramps up and I want to be a voice that is the antidote to the Christmas pressure and perfection. So today, my message is a simple one. Stop being so hard on yourself. You are holding yourselves to impossible standards. You're comparing yourself to an unrealistic version of the perfect mother. you are pushing and you're pushing and you're doing it all with a commentary in your head that says that you are falling short and it's exhausting.

0:48So today I'm going to help you stop being so hard on yourself and I'm going to show you how to do it in three simple steps. Okay, so the first step is you've got to label your reality. You can't change what you don't acknowledge. So say to yourself. This is hard. December is intense. I'm not failing. It's just a fact. Because the moment that you label something, what you do is you give yourself a bit of space from that experience and you're acknowledging the load without making it your fault. That is step one. Step two, I want you to drop this, we call it the good mum myth. In my work with mothers, I see the same pattern over and over again.

1:29When pressure increases, self-criticism skyrockets. We start to believe other mums are doing it better. Our kids will remember all the things we didn't do. I'm failing because I dropped a few balls or forgot a few things or the magic and everything depends entirely on me. And that you are failing if you do anything wrong or you drop any balls or that everyone else is coping better. Now, hearing that narrative, that's what the sociologists call the good mum myth in action. It's super insidious and actually it's completely unattainable. So the truth is, despite what you might be hearing internally, your worth as a mother has nothing to do with you performing perfectly at Christmas.

2:16Let's say that again. You just don't need perfect presents and a perfect tree and perfect behaviour from your children and a perfect house that looks like one of those Pinterest dream houses that aren't real anyway. You don't need the perfect Christmas Eve where everybody is laughing, you know, drinking hot chocolate and matching pyjamas. And you actually don't need to be endlessly patient and soft and calm. You just need to be you, to be human, to be present, to be real and to be connected enough to yourself that you can connect to your kids. Because the truth is, is that perfection blocks connection and self-compassion creates it.

2:58So take that pressure off. Step three is to mother yourself. So you would never speak to your children the way that you speak to yourself. I bet you, you are kind, patient, probably not all the time, but a lot of the time with your children, but with ourselves, we are brutal. So next time you hear that voice saying you're not good enough, what's wrong with you? You're failing. Why can't you do it like that other person? I want you to think if my children came to me and said they were saying those things to themselves, what would you say back to yourself? You would never say, yeah, you're right.

3:36You're not as good as that other little person in your class. No, you would say you're doing just brilliantly. You're doing really well. You know, yes, okay, you might want to do a little bit more here, but you would do it so kindly and your response would be compassionate and it would be kind. So I want you to say that to yourself. It sounds so simple, but it's actually life-changing because it interrupts the self-criticism spiral. And this is how you can treat yourself with the same care that you give to everyone else.

4:09And now a quick word from our sponsors.

4:17Okay, step four is lower the bar and raise the connection. So the truth is, is that your children actually want you, not a perfect Christmas performance. They want connection. They want time with you. They want attention. They want cuddles. They want your sort of just your love and your presence. They really actually don't want the perfect tablescape or the perfect rice potato or any of the other things that you might be stressing about. They want to see your face light up when they show you that pretty horrific craft concoction that they've brought home from school. They want you just sitting on the floor with them.

4:57None of that requires kind of matching outfits or Christmas Eve boxes or elaborate activities or multiple Santa visits or for you to become the perfect host of this curated Christmas. It really takes for you to just let go of that pressure on yourself. So I want you to think about where can I lower the bar, but do it on purpose. So think about one thing that you're putting yourself under too much pressure on, one should, one expectation, and just decide intentionally, I am not going to do that this year or I'm going to do it a lot quicker and easier for myself. Okay, step five is I want you to think about in this month of December, you know, crazy pressures, there's so much on, there's work parties, things at school.

5:48It's such an intense month. And I want you to think about how you can create pockets of micro moments for you. I'm not talking about bubble baths. I'm not talking about self-care. I'm talking about three deep breaths in the bathroom to regulate. I'm talking about leaving the room for 20 seconds so that you can just gather yourself before going back out to the party, the family party that might have got slightly intense talking about politics or what else. I want you to think about putting a hand on your heart to say, it's okay, I'm doing my best. Maybe stepping outside for some fresh air or just slowing your exhale.

6:23That is such a beautiful one. And I promise you these tiny resets, they're going to regulate your nervous system. They're going to shift your energy and therefore the kind of energy in your home. So your children don't need a perfect Christmas, but they do want to spend some time with you. So at the end of the day, your children won't remember the wrapping paper or the matching pyjamas or the curated Santa visit. In fact, children often find those things a bit intense. I know mine do, but they will remember how they felt. Think about your Christmases when you were a child. We tend to think about the feeling, the mood, the warmth, how it felt in our home.

7:03I don't remember any of the specifics, but I do remember how it felt in my home at Christmas and how kind of my mum was there for us. So I would really encourage you to take this pressure off yourself. You cannot give all those things that you want to give, the magic and the love and the connection, if you are relentlessly hard on yourself. And, you know, self-compassion, it's not about lowering your standards or making things easy for yourself. It's about lowering that shame that tells you that you're not doing it right or you need to do more. So I hope that this landed. I hope that something maybe softened or shifted as you are listening.

7:42And please, this December, be a little kinder to yourself. You deserve that compassion. I am sending you so much love and I will see you next week for another December pep talk.

7:57What an incredible episode. I hope you loved it too. If you've got this far, then I am guessing that you did. So make sure that you share it with a friend and subscribe so you never miss an episode. And I will see you Thursday for more. See you next time.