The Burnout Doctor: Why So Many Mothers Think They're Failing (When It's Actually Burnout)

0:01If you've ever found yourself thinking everything will be okay when I just get through this busy period, then you need to hear this episode because this is part of my conversation with Dr. Claire Ashley, known as the Burnout Doctor. And she shared something with me that stopped me in my tracks, that at the height of her burnout, she genuinely believed that the way through was to do more, to get up earlier, to push herself more. And she also believed that she was failing at everything. And I know that this is so familiar for so many of us, because that's what we've been taught to do, that when things get hard, we just need to push through.

0:39Well, that is how so many of us end up burnt out. So I really need you to hear, and what Claire talks about in this clip, is that it is not a personal failing. We need to look at the structures and the systems that we are operating in, both, yes, on a big political societal level, but also on an individual level, and look at what can we do to change. So if you are worried that you are pushing through, if you're worried that you're heading to burnout, please, please, please listen to this episode. Take notes and make changes. I really hope that it offers you some insight and support and inspiration.

1:13Here it is. It's almost such a structural challenge, isn't it? It's almost like it makes complete sense to me that that would be the result. And it's really interesting that you're reflecting that back to me because when I see it laid out objectively, it makes total sense that I ended up burnt out. But at the time, it didn't make sense. And I really felt that I was to blame for the fact that I couldn't cope. And, you know, being a doctor, patient care is really what drove me. And when I felt like I was starting to struggle, I went back to type, which is what you're taught from day one at medical school, or at least I was, which is if you've got problems and things are not working out, you just work harder, you study more, you commit more to your work.

1:58And unfortunately, and I didn't realise this at the time, was that in over committing and trying to work harder and blaming myself, it just perpetuated that burnout spiral of negative work behaviours that meant that I felt more stressed. So then I felt more stressed and I did those things more. And then I ended up in a crisis point. Yeah, because it's so counterintuitive when we're stressed, I think, and I see this you know with many mothers in our community wherever that stress is coming from I'll just get up earlier I'll just work harder I'll just we think that the way out of stress is to do more in fact is to do less but that is so counterintuitive what were some of the flags and what did you think was wrong because I think people listening might relate to that I thought it was anxiety or I thought it was what did you think it was and what were those symptoms that made you come to that conclusion?

2:49That's a really good question. I genuinely, this is probably going to sound ridiculous when I say it, but I genuinely believe this. I thought I was failing at everything in my life. I thought I was a failure as a mother. I thought, I feel really emotional talking about this, actually. I genuinely believe this. I thought that I was a terrible doctor and it wasn't helped by some of the conversations that I was having at work when I was kind of alluding to the fact that I was finding it very difficult was they were kind of like well you just need to get on with it you know man up just just work harder and that kind of compounded the guilt that I was experiencing and those thoughts of failures and I genuinely believe that that's what I was and you know looking back I feel really sad for the person that I was in that moment because I wasn't a failure I just couldn't handle what was on my plate and it would it would have been too much for anyone.

3:42It's just too much for one too much one person but I think that's what I see and I wondered if it is gendered I you know I speak predominantly to women so I know that but that when something goes wrong we don't look at the system the structure operating and we're so quickly go to well I'm failing yes and I did I did try to find workarounds so I for instance you know my the period where I hit a crisis point actually my husband was away for six weeks filming and I knew that that period was going to be very difficult with childcare and with work. So I went to work and I asked very nicely if I could leave by 5.30 every day and they said no.

4:19So I ended up getting an evening nanny. So the evening nanny would come pick up my kids from nursery and from the after school club and then put my kids to bed for me whilst I stayed at work. And not only was that ruinously expensive, I just felt horrific because I was like, well, I shouldn't be paying someone to put my children to bed for me I wanted to be there to be able to do that and that was just you know I did try to find structural workarounds but it just wasn't enough unfortunately yeah so what were some of the symptoms you talked about helplessness yes you talked about feeling like a failure what were some of the other symptoms that you now know now what you know about burnout you can see categorically that was burnout yeah so I experienced a lot of emotional symptoms.

5:08We've already talked about some of them, but I was deeply depressed. I was very anxious. I worried over everything. I had a lot of intrusive thoughts, which primarily centered around harm coming towards my children. So, and they would just pop into my head at any time and they would be very distressing, very vivid. And I would get really quite upset about these thoughts. Profound sense of hopelessness, I would say. A lot of guilt. I wasn't sleeping very well. and that was making it very difficult to focus at work, to make effective decisions. I spent a lot of time ruminating on decisions, particularly centered around my patients and just kind of going over those decisions and getting a lot of decision fatigue.

5:50I struggled to regulate my emotions. So I would either end up in tears over things that normally I would handle in my stride or I was like getting really angry and het up about things. I withdrew socially so I stopped seeing friends family work became the most important thing in my life and I really kind of struggled to balance everything towards the latter stages I started self-neglecting so I wasn't really eating properly I wasn't exercising properly and these were all things that I had previously found time to do and were important to me and I also had a lot of physical symptoms so I had a lot of headaches I had really disproportionate fatigue so I was absolutely exhausted.

6:31It didn't matter how much I slept and I wasn't sleeping very well anyway, but even if I did get a good night's sleep, I was completely spent. I got, you know, chest pains, tummy pains, backache, neck ache, and had this really weird sensation of just pressure on my throat the whole time, which I knew was in my head, but I just felt like I was constantly choked the whole time. And all of these symptoms kind of gradually kind of crept up on me until I got to that point where I started having these panic attacks and I suddenly thought oh gosh and then that was the moment when I realized I really needed help it's almost like your body is screaming at you and I often think that that if we ignore those kind of whispers it gets louder and louder and stress I think manifests so physically doesn't it I love the book when the body says no because I I think it's so true that you can keep pushing down and cracking on.

7:25And eventually, if we don't stop, we kind of get forced to stop, right? Absolutely. And looking back, I can see that there was a worsening of these symptoms over time. And that there were opportunities where if I'd had the knowledge that I have now, I could have made changes to have prevented ending up in a burnout crisis. and knowing what I know now there would have been opportunities to have done that but the other thing to remember is there's a lot of denial and burnout and a lot of self-blame that happens and well and part of it is to keep going yeah it's one of those cruel symptoms where it's like I just need to keep going but that's like fueling the fire yeah and so it's part of that that process of things getting worse is that denial and so it means that even if someone has said to me at the time Claire you're really struggling you actually you need to take a step back and make some changes I probably would have reacted quite angrily to that.

8:17And that is one of the other things, one of the sneaky things about burnout is that it's obvious to the people around you before it's obvious to you. And that makes it a very difficult thing to effectively make changes and to stop yourself before you get into that crisis point. And so that Claire who's kind of edging towards burnout and knowing what you know now, because there'll be people listening who are in that sort of edging towards not in a full blown burnout. What would you do differently? So prevention is like any physical problem, right? With burnout, prevention is better than cure. So if you end up in the crisis point like I did, then it's a one to three year average recovery period because the stress has done such a number on your brain and your body.

9:00because it makes real changes to your brain, its structure, its function. This all sounds terrifying, by the way, but it's completely reversible with time and with changes. And it changes the way your body reacts to stress as well. That's why you get so many symptoms and that's why you end up needing that prolonged recovery period. But if you get yourself before you end up in that situation, then you can avoid that. And so I think had I caught myself at an earlier point, I think if I'd known that I could have avoided that having to make as many changes as I did to how I work and as many changes as I had to make to my life and how I parent and how I managed my stress you know the recovery period was it's it was years for me to be honest um and I I would have done anything to have avoided that you know so hindsight is a wonderful thing what would some of those things have been what would some of those early interventions been for you so I think So I would have looked at it from two angles.

9:57The first one would have been to identify the work factors that were fueling my stress and my burnout. So there are six workplace factors that can cause burnout. And a problem with just one of these things can send you to that place. So it's problems with workload, control, values, community, fairness and reward. And I think when I look back, I think there were problems with all of these factors. Sounds like all of those you were ticking the boxes for. and so really what I could have done is just taken a step back and think okay how can I start to make small changes in all of these areas so that I can successfully manage the root cause of my work stress rather than trying to manage my emotional responses to it and I think that would have made a big difference yeah and what's really nice about burnout is that just believing that you've got control over these things that mindset shift is enough to help that recovery process and it's the counter to the helplessness that was the episode i hoped you loved it if you did please make sure you subscribe and i will see you next time