The Hidden Reason You're Becoming Resentful

0:01Welcome to this episode of Motherkind. It is a Monday, which means it is time for a moment. This moment is a solo with me on boundaries. Have you ever found yourself saying yes, when every part of you wanted to say no? Maybe it's agreeing to another favor, answering that message straight away, hosting when actually you're exhausted, or carrying one more thing because it feels easier than disappointing someone else. And the truth is, so many of us move through motherhood acting as if we're limitless. We give and we give and we give until we're overwhelmed, burnt out, resentful and wondering why everyone else seems to need so much from us.

0:41So in this moment, I am talking about boundaries, not as another thing to get right, but as an act of self-respect. I share the surprising sign that tells you exactly where you need a boundary, why motherhood can unlock a fierceness that many of us just didn't know we had and some simple ways to start speaking up for what you need without guilt. So if you're feeling like everyone needs something from you right now, this is the episode for you. Here it is. You know, there are so many definitions of boundaries floating around. It's become a bit of a buzzword, hasn't it? But I really think of boundaries as a way of recognising that you are not limitless.

1:25You have limits for how much you're able to give. You have limits for what makes you feel okay, what makes you feel safe. You have limits for how many people can come into your life, how people come into your home and your emotions. You have limits at work and you have limits with your kids. When I think about these limits, sometimes I think about fences, like imagine rolling hills in the countryside. It's when you put a fence down, a boundary that is setting a limit. And essentially, that is what we are doing. So telling yourself and others about these limits, about your limits, that is boundaries.

2:03And this is so important. And I get so passionate about it because the opposite is acting as if we're limitless, that we have infinite energy to give, infinite time, infinite resources, which of course we don't. And what I've noticed in my life and the lives of our community and my clients is that when we act as if we're limitless, that is when we end up feeling overwhelmed, burnt out and resentful. So it sounds quite simple, right? Of course we need limits in our lives. Of course I'm not limitless. I need to put those fences up and draw those boundaries. But this is actually really hard to do.

2:40Why is that? Well, I think because so many of us, me included, have been taught that it's not kind, quote unquote, to say no. Or it's selfish to ask for what we need and put our fence up. That it's our job to make sure that everyone around us is happy at the expense sometimes of our own happiness. And part of using boundaries, part of putting these limits up is that you might disappoint some people. In order to manage all the things that you're managing, you are going to have to say no. You're going to have to put that fence up and that might disappoint someone. And disappointing others is hard for many of us.

3:18So don't worry, in this episode, I'm going to talk you through exactly how to do this so it doesn't feel too overwhelming. You know, I remember the first time in motherhood that I wanted to set a boundary, but I didn't because I was still very much a people pleaser. So I had this amazing but very hardcore labour with my first, I'd had 37 hours of labour at home. And then once our little love was safely here, we told all our families and they all responded with the same three words on our way. Now, I hadn't thought about the boundaries I wanted in those early days or weeks. Motherkind didn't exist.

3:56I wasn't Zoe Motherkind. I was just Zoe with no clue. So no prior communication had taken place. I hadn't thought about what do I want to happen after the birth. And you know what it's like the hours after birth. You're just on a completely different planet, aren't you? So even though everything in my body was telling me, I do not want visitors. I didn't say it out loud. So there I am. Zero sleep for about four days, I think at this point, struggling with latching, couldn't get breastfeeding. And I was hosting, I think five visitors, which looking back now is actually insane. Now let's be very clear.

4:34This is not on my family. This is on me because I kept quiet about my needs when I should have spoken up. And that is boundaries. When you speak out loud what you need, you communicate your limits. You don't keep your limits and your needs inside anymore. You tell people and everyone's limits, by the way, will be completely different. So for some of you listening, you might have loved, in that example I just gave, having everyone standing around the bed meeting the little one, The key is to work out what you need. And here is the incredible thing, because in motherhood, I think we get a bit of a shortcut here.

5:14If you're someone who's always struggled with speaking up for yourself, motherhood is kind of the best thing ever because it's not just about you anymore. You have a child to think about. I remember one client told me she had never spoken up to her mother before, even though on the inside she often felt pissed off at her mum. She felt resentful at her mum, she'd never said anything. She kept it all pushed down and smiling on the outside. She was well conditioned as that good girl, which we talk about on the podcast. So her mum, she'd had a baby, her mum was holding the newborn and she started crying.

5:47And so my client said, I'll take her mum, gesturing to her mum to give her back. And her mum went, no, no, no, I can settle her and slightly turned away. And my client did not know what came over her, but her voice became really loud, really clear and she marched over and she took back her baby and she said she needs me and I remember my client telling me that story and I was smiling because I've had so many moments like that where times where I would have kept quiet there's a fierceness that comes into us in motherhood and I think for those of us that are recovering people pleasers that find it hard to say what we need and want.

6:26Motherhood absolutely unlocks that in us. And I think it's so powerful to lean into that. This is part of the empowerment and the transformation that I talk about has happened in me and I love talking about in motherhood. All right. So where on earth do we start with this? How do we know where we need boundary? And there's one little simple way that I have learned over the years from coaching on this for far too many hours. And it is where you feel resentful. So you want to have a think about where in my life do I feel annoyed? Where in my life do I feel taken advantage of or just a bit pissed off?

7:02That is usually a sign that you need a limit. You need a boundary. You need to communicate your needs. So I'll give you a small, tiny example of this because that is where you want to start. And even if you're, you know, well-practiced in setting boundaries, I still think starting small is really, really powerful. So let me tell you about a tiny small example in my life. So when my eldest was a newborn, my mum would call every morning to see how the night was, which was just completely gorgeous and sweet and kind. And I felt so supported. But the problem was she would call right at the same time every day, right as I was trying to get myself showered before Guy left for work.

7:47And you know what that's like. You have about 25 seconds to shower. And if you don't grab that window, basically you're not showering for the rest of the day. So my mum would call right at that moment. I'd answer, but I'd be really short and rude. I'd be like, yes, we're fine. Great. Thanks. Bye. And I used to feel so annoyed. I think, why is she calling right now? Doesn't she know this is like the most intense moment of my day when I'm trying to get in the shower before I'm on my own with a newborn for the next eight hours. Well, no, she didn't know because I hadn't told her. And of course I could have not answered, but I was practicing more honesty in my relationships.

8:22So one afternoon I phoned her and I said this to her, Hey mum, I love that you called to check on us. It is so kind, but it's just a really tricky time for me. That's why I am short and sometimes sound a bit rude. Can we speak after lunch? She said, Oh my gosh, I had no idea. Of course, done, sorted. And I know that that is a tiny, tiny, tiny example. But imagine a hundred tiny examples like that through your day, through your week. If we're able to express those needs and those limits, it really, really can transform not only your relationships, but how you feel. So have a think now, maybe pause or when you get back home, if you're listening to this out and about, have a think about where is there someone in your life where you feel pissed off, you feel resentful, you feel annoyed and think, is there something in my control?

9:12That's really important. Is there something in my control that I can do differently here? Do I need to communicate something here? What am I not saying? Is there a limit I need to set? Am I keeping quiet about that limit? And what would it mean to speak up? Now, here's something really, really fascinating and important, which is that you already have these limits. It's just that you're keeping them inside. You already know that it doesn't feel good when your father-in-law pops in unannounced or that your partner doesn't share the school pickups or that your boss keeps what's apping you after work hours.

9:50Your body will already be telling you that that doesn't feel good. It's just we need to trust that, accept it and think about, OK, what am I going to do about this? because you deserve to not have that constant low-level hum of resentfulness and annoyance with people around you. Once you've thought about a couple of boundaries, make sure they're really small. Don't start with big complex ones that have been bubbling for decades. Start with something super simple and small.