The Identity Crisis Every Mother Has — And Why Nobody Talks About It

0:02Welcome to Motherkind. It is me, your host, Zoe Blaskey, and this is the show which is for you, the woman behind the mother. When you have a baby, everyone expects the baby to change, right? But almost no one prepares you for the fact that you are going to change too. Your brain changes, your hormones change, your priority changes, your identity change, and yet most of us go through this enormous transition without any language for it. And then you might wonder, why do I feel so different? Where have I gone? Why do I feel like I'm failing? If you've ever had those thoughts, I want to start by saying something really important.

0:40There is nothing wrong with you. You are experiencing something called matrescence, the profound transformation into motherhood. you know i've been talking about matrescence for a really long time but it is finally starting to become more mainstream which is vital because understanding matrescence can completely change how you experience this stage of life so today i want to share the 10 things that everyone needs to know about matrescence because when you understand what's happening to you you stop thinking there is something wrong with you and you start realizing how well you actually are doing.

1:18Okay, so first up, matrescence is the transition into motherhood. It describes the process of becoming a mother. It describes the physical, the emotional, the psychological, and the identity shifts that happen when you become a mother. It is the largest, most targeted reorganization of the adult human brain ever observed. The best way to think of it is to compare it to adolescence. Just as adolescence is the transition from child to adult, matrescence is the transition from woman to mother. And like adolescence, it can feel confusing, right? Your body's changing, your emotions are intense, your identity is evolving.

2:03You're not yet who you once were because you can't get back to the old you but you're not yet the new version of yourself and you're in this in between but unlike adolescence almost nobody prepares you for it imagine if we didn't tell teens that they were going to go through their adolescence that is what we do to mothers right quick history lesson where did this word come from it actually was first identified in 1973 by medical anthropologist dana rafael and she introduced the term in her book called being female reproduction power and change and she argued that just like adolescence marks a transition to adulthood matrescence marks the transition to motherhood needing social support and recognition the term was largely overlooked for decades in 2008 clinical psychologist Dr.

2:59Aralee Aethan at Columbia revived it, expanding its definition to include preconception through to postnatal and beyond. Then reproductive psychiatrist Dr. Alexandra Sachs brought matrescence into the public eye in her 2017 article and viral TED talk, The Birth of a Mother. I personally discovered it in 2018 and it changed everything for me. Lucy Jones wrote a book called Matrescence in the UK in 2024. And just last month, the brand Peanut, a campaign I was proudly involved with, launched a global campaign to get the word matrescence in every global dictionary. Because at the moment, surprise, surprise, when you write it, you get red wiggly lines under the word.

3:44And it says, word not recognized. The irony. okay the third thing you need to know about matrescence is that your brain literally changes one of the most fascinating things about matrescence it's not just emotional or psychological your brain actually changes physically scientists have found that the structural changes to the area of your brain relate to empathy emotional processing vigilance and bondering in fact researchers have found that motherhood changes the brain so much that scientists can actually identify who are mothers braced on brain scans alone. These changes actually help us. They help us tune into our baby's needs.

4:24They help us respond to danger. They help us form deep attachment. They can also mean that we experience greater emotional sensitivity. Lots of mothers say to me, I feel like my skin has been taken off. So if you ever think, why am I worrying about everything? You're not broken. It's part of the rewiring. It's part of the matrescence process. Okay, the fourth thing to know is that hormones reshape your emotional world. The next piece of matricence is hormonal. So during pregnancy, hormones like estrogen and progesterone rise dramatically. Then after birth, they drop rapidly. And some researchers say that the hormonal drop after birth is one of the biggest hormonal shifts a human body can ever experience.

5:08Isn't that wild? and that shift can affect your mood your sleep your energy added sleep deprivation huge responsibility and a life change and it's no wonder that so many mothers feel like they're struggling in this period but understanding the biology can just be so relieving i know that when i learned this because you realize it's not you you're not failing it's actually physiology fifth thing to know about matrescence is that it's like a jigsaw puzzle so this is the analogy that i use when I teach matrescence. Imagine your life before motherhood is a jigsaw puzzle of your life and your pieces include your career, your identity, your relationships, your freedom, your ambitions and then motherhood happens.

5:48And it is like someone lifts up that jigsaw, throws the pieces into the air and your job through matrescence, the process is to slowly put the pieces back together again, but now with a child or children in the picture. So some pieces stay, some completely new pieces arrive and as you put your jigsaw puzzle back together you're going to get the pieces in the wrong place and that is okay just like with doing a jigsaw that is the process so I remember that analogy whenever I feel like why is this not working or why do I still feel lost or why can I not figure this out I remember I'm literally rebuilding my life in motherhood and that takes time the sixth thing to know about matrescence is that it lasts a lot longer than people think.

6:36So one of the biggest misconceptions about motherhood is that the adjustment period is short. We'll hear about the six week check or this sort of bounce back narrative. But matrescence actually lasts years, not weeks. So some experts suggest matrescence can last anywhere between two to 10 years because it's not just about your physical recovery. It's about your identity. It's about your purpose. It's about your priorities, your relationships, your ambition. And those things take time to evolve. So if you still feel like you're figuring things out years into motherhood, you're not failing. That is your matrescence.

7:15The seventh thing to know is that matrescence explains the gap between expectation and reality. One of the most powerful things about matrescence is that it helps us understand the gap between what we expected motherhood to be like and what it's actually like. And the word matrescence allows us to separate the experience of the structure of motherhood that we operate in with our children. And it is so powerful because for so long, I think mothers didn't want to say it's hard or I'm struggling. in case it meant something about how we feel about our children. But matrescence allows us to think about them separately, right?

7:52The structures that we operate in as mothers, the societal barriers, the workplace barriers, how hard it can be, and to separate that from our beautiful, perfect, gorgeous children that we adore more than anything. So I think culturally motherhood is often portrayed as instinctive, natural, joyful, florals, and of course it can be all those things. But many mothers in matrescence also experience confusion, identity loss, rage, ambivalence, grief. And matrescence explains why. Because it is this transformation that we go through. So you can love your child deeply and still feel like you're trying to find your old self again.

8:32Matrescence means that two things can both be true. Okay, the eighth thing that I want you to know about matrescence is that matrescence can feel incredibly lonely. And I know that I felt this, right? Another reason matrescence can feel difficult is because so much of it is invisible. In fact, 94 % of mothers feel invisible in that first year of motherhood. From the outside, people may see the same woman, but inside, everything feels different. Your priorities have changed, your sense of identity, what matters to you but the world around you your workplace your friends sometimes even your partner may still expect that old version of you and that is why having language like matrescence is so powerful because when we name something we realize this isn't just happening to me this is actually part of the human experience of becoming a mother okay the ninth thing that i want you to know is how to support yourself through matrescence this is so important so how do we support ourselves through this transition well the first thing is self-compassion identity transitions take time and the second is community talking to other mothers who understand this and the third is giving yourself space to change sometimes we put enormous pressure on ourselves to go back to who we were before but matrescence isn't about going backwards it's about growing forwards into someone.

9:54So stop asking, how do I get back to the old me? And start asking, I wonder who I'm becoming now? Okay, the 10th and last thing is that matrescence isn't just loss. It's actually transformation. The final thing everyone needs to know about matrescence is this. Yes, motherhood changes you, but it's also about so much of what you can gain. many mothers tell me they get deeper empathy stronger boundaries clearer priorities a greater sense of purpose i think of it like this matrescence really breaks open who you were but it also makes space for who you are becoming and understanding this transition it doesn't necessarily make it easy but it does make it make sense so those are 10 things i think everyone needs to know about matrescence.

10:46If this resonated with you, please share it with another mother. I am on a mission to get this word to every single mother who needs it. Help me be part of that mission. Click share, put it in your mum groups. The more we talk about matrescence, the more we can experience the support that we all need through this period. And I want you to remember you are not broken. You are not failing. You are transforming through your matrescence. I'll see you next time. you