The mistakes I made postpartum (and what I'd never do again)

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0:31Hello and welcome to another episode of Motherkind podcast. It is me, your host Zoe Blaski. This is the podcast that is for you, the woman behind the mother. I am so excited to bring you this episode today. It is made in partnership with Tesco's Fred and Flo. I was reflecting this week that I have been a mother for a decade now, which is actually completely wild to me because surely I still have a newborn, but actually she is 10. And it made me think about those early weeks, what emotional whiplash it was, how exhausted and overwhelmed I felt. And yet at the same time, just so in love and in that little bubble.

1:12And I think it was the first time in my life when I really understood that concept, you know, of holding two truths at once, that it can be both incredible and incredibly hard at the same time. And I look back at that version of me with so much compassion. I didn't know what matrescence was. I didn't understand that I would lose myself for a while before coming back even stronger. You know, I really don't believe in regrets or mistakes because I think everything teaches us, everything is here to make us grow. But I do believe in learning and then sharing with others the lessons, which in a way is what this whole podcast is about.

1:52So in this episode, I've partnered with Tesco's Fred and Flo because I want to share what I think I got right and if I was doing it again, what I would do differently because the truth is, is that the last thing you need when you're focusing on a new baby is more pressure. You need more things that simply make life easier. And Tesco's Fred and Flo Refreshed Range is all about taking some of the stress out of those everyday decisions so you can spend a little less time worrying and a little more time focusing on what really matters. Okay let's dive in. So let's start with something that I actually got right which was boundaries with visitors.

2:33So I actually had a yoga teacher at the time who I did pregnancy yoga training with on an island in Sweden. That is definitely a story for another day. It's quite a mad story. Anyway, she told me not to have any visitors at all for two weeks. Her advice to me was you want to stay in that little bubble and establish feeding and not have anyone else come in. And honestly, I did think about that for a minute. But then I thought about my parents and Guy's parents and some of my closest friends, and I really wanted them to come and meet the baby. So instead, I said something which I think it's quite genius looking back which was that every visitor had to bring food because the reason it worked is because I got my family to visit and I had some really gorgeous moments with family and friends I actually didn't get out of bed for a week and then I didn't get off the sofa for the second week so I felt like I was really being cared for and everyone bought food for me which was just incredible because the last thing that you want to think about is what am I going to cook what are we going to eat you also need really nourishing food in that postpartum period i love this trend it wasn't a thing 10 years ago when i was a new mum but there's this trend around cook for your postpartum friend where groups of friends cook up a storm and then they portion it up for you and gift it to you for your freezer how brilliant is that because you just don't want to be thinking when you're trying to either crack breastfeeding or just get used to being a mother you're probably still healing from birth.

4:10Gosh knows what else you are experiencing physically. The last thing you want to be thinking about is what's for dinner. You have 18 years, the two of you, to think about what is for dinner. So you don't want to be doing that straight away. The really important thing to remember with visitors, and this is for all my people pleasing, high functioning sisters, I am you, I see you. You are not hosting when visitors come, when you are in those early weeks and months. You're not allowed to make the tea. You're not allowed to clean before visitors come. You are not allowed to bake. Your job is to rest as much as you possibly can and allow yourself to be looked after.

4:50And I know for me that was difficult. And I know for some of you that might be difficult, but please allow yourself to receive that care.

5:00the other thing i'd say about visitors that's quite nuanced is you really need to know when you need that time for yourself and when you might be risking isolating so a useful question to ask yourself might be what feels most loving to myself right now because sometimes you are going to want to be alone for all the right reasons and sometimes you're going to need to be around people for all the right reasons right but we can also go into that place of isolation or not wanting to be seen, especially if we're struggling. So say to yourself what feels most loving for me and see what comes up. Here's something that I would do differently if I got my time again, which is the emotional side.

5:43This is 100 % where I wish I was more informed, which is why I started this platform, why I wrote my first book, Motherkind, because I didn't know about matrescence. I didn't know about the crazy identity shift. I didn't know that I'd feel very lost for a while while you put your life back together with a baby in the picture. And I talk about matrescence and having a baby, becoming a parent, being like a jigsaw puzzle. So you have the picture of your life. Imagine the jigsaw puzzle. And then matrescence, becoming a mother or becoming a parent is like throwing those pieces up in the air. and then you go through the process of putting them back together but this time with a baby in the picture so how long that process of matricence or putting the jigsaw puzzle back together takes it's different for every single person but I know for me it was six years because I had another baby when my eldest was four and then it took me another two years to feel kind of integrated is the word I would use after that and I think about all the time whether we should prepare women better for matricence.

6:48Some say, no, we shouldn't. We should let every woman have her own experience. We shouldn't warn women. But I don't see it as a warning at all. I see it as educating, just like we do with menopause now. Imagine if we were to say, no, let's not educate on menopause. Let's let every woman have their experience. That would sound mad. And I think it's the same with matricence. I think we absolutely need to prepare women better for what can happen in those early is. So it really would have helped me. It really would have helped me if someone had taught me about matrescence. And I'm hoping that this episode and the podcast as a whole can be that source of education for you.

7:27Okay, so let's talk about something that I got right-ish. So I got this wrong and then I course corrected and I think getting it right-ish. And this is around the mental load. So I'm going to have to talk in generalizations here. So the pretty awful system here in the UK is that typically the mother gets maternity leave and the father typically gets two weeks, just two weeks paternity leave. And this really needs to change because what we know is that so much of the inequality that we see in the early years in parenting with the mental load, that gets set up in that first year because the mother is the one at home.

8:07And this was my experience at first. So before our first daughter, Guy and I, my husband, we were really equal. We shared all the home management stuff. We shared the cooking, the organizing, the cleaning. We were really 50 50. And then the first two weeks when he was at home, he did so much as he should. He did every nappy change with the best nappies from Tesco, Fred and Flo, obviously. He cooked when we weren't eating those visitor meals. He organized all the appointments. We needed to get tongue ties sorted. he did all the cleaning he really did everything that I needed him to those first two weeks but then he went back to work and because I was the one at home this very kind of insidious creep started happening where I started doing the food shop and the cooking and the organizing and doing the washing and taking a lead on the parenting and all the research that comes around that and finding child care and I'll be honest it took us a little while to realize what was happening.

9:04And we actually sat down then with a spreadsheet because we are both nerds. And we worked out who was going to be responsible for what going forward. We use the fair play method, which is an incredible book by my friend, Eve Rodsky. She's also been on the podcast twice. So check those episodes out. And it lists out all the tasks. And you have to go through it and say who's going to be responsible for what. And it teaches you this method where you fully own a task. So if your partner owns a task, you actually don't have to think about it. You don't have to remind them to prompt them. And equally, when you own a task, you fully own it.

9:42So if this is something that, you know, if you're pregnant right now, or if you've got little ones, I would really recommend that you do this exercise because it was completely brilliant for us. And it's changed so much about how our home and our lives run.

9:59So let's change tact and talk about the kit, the stuff. What did we actually need and what did I think was probably a little bit of waste of time? So I would say in general, I was quite unprepared with what we would actually need and what wasn't a great use of money. I had done so much research on birth because I had these home births, but I had not planned so well for the postpartum period one thing that I did that I wouldn't do again was when I was really heavily pregnant I spent so long on the nursery which in a way was part of nesting and it's really beautiful but she was not in there until she was eight months because she was in our room we used one of those next to me cots it was brilliant and I actually hear this all the time that we spend so long on these nurseries or doing extension or getting a bigger house and then actually the baby is in with in with us for a while so some of the best things that I got in those early years were a sling I used one of those soft slings I use that every single day sterilizing tablets I use those a lot because I ended up doing a lot of pumping so so many nappies I think the stat is that you change between 12 and 18 nappies a day which is wild so thank you to Tesco Fred and Flo especially for the block unlock protection so less leaks because leaks are not fun.

11:23It's just more washing and more changes. And baby grows with zips. Oh my God, what an invention. Who wants to be scrambling around at 3am trying to find the right popper and they never line up. So baby grows with zips are the one. And also a pack of wipes in every single room of the house because you always need to grab one. I love the Tesco Fred and Flo ones which are really gentle and affordable which is good because, oh my word, you use so many of them. I also used a lot of nipple cream. Sorry, this is really TMI, but my nipples did not like breastfeeding, so I used a lot of that stuff. And a pro tip is to make your hot drinks in a flask.

12:08So I kept hearing you are never going to get to drink a hot drink in the first year or the first few years because it is so full on. You have no idea how much there is to do but I am a tea addict so I knew that this was not going to work for me and so what I did is I started to make my hot drinks in a flask you know one of those vacuum keep warm so it was always really warm and actually I had Guy come up when he came up to bed he would make me a hot herbal tea so that when I wake up to feed in the middle of the night it was next to my bed so that is my absolute pro tip so that is it those are some of the things that I think I got write some of the things that I would do differently it's so hard isn't it when it's your first time and you have all this advice and you just don't know what you need or don't need and that is why I love the Tesco Fred and Flo range because it's got all your baby basics and at amazing prices too I really do believe that the emotional side of new motherhood and new parenting is so intense that we need the practical side the stuff taken care of which is why I just love Tesco's Fred and Flo range.

13:14It's got everything you need, often in really convenient locations and opening times. And I just want to wrap this up by saying that if you are in the early weeks and months, please remember to ask for help. Please remember to ask someone to go and get those essentials for you. Don't be hard on yourself because you are doing an amazing job. And remember that you can feel all the feelings at once. Thank you again to Tesco Fred and Flo for sponsoring this episode. To discover the newly refreshed range from everyday essentials like wipes nappies, visit Tesco in store or online. That was the episode.

13:53I hoped you loved it. If you did, please make sure you subscribe and I will see you next time.