We've been sold a lie. Stop trying to be a "good girl" in a broken system

0:01Hi, I'm Zoe. Welcome back to Motherkind. This is the show about you, the woman behind the mother, and I am so happy that you are here. So if you are exhausted or resentful or overwhelmed and kind of secretly wondering, why does this feel extra hard? Then this episode is for you because today we are talking about good girl conditioning and why it especially hits us millennial mothers. So good girl conditioning, it's not personality trait, it's actually not just the way that you are, it's actually a program that so many of us learned that says be nice, be agreeable, be grateful, don't complain, don't ask for too much, work harder, smile more, put others first.

0:45Essentially it was the memo that a lot of us got growing up, We were kind of trained in this program perfectly because we were raised on two messages. You can be anything and have it all, which we now know is a lie. And if you work hard enough, you'll succeed. So we are kind of perfectly set up to burn ourselves out, to work too hard, to overperform, to overgive, to keep pushing. and you know when we become mothers what I see and I hear every single day in our community is then the whole thing collapses right because the system means that we can't have it all the workload doubled and tripled if we're doing paid work and then obviously all the work around raising a family suddenly we're sort of holding all of these things you know parenting standards higher than ever.

1:40Economic pressure, expensive childcare, lots of us living away from our extended family, zero kind of cultural permission to struggle. And we did and do what good girls do. We don't blame the system. We blame ourselves. That is what good girls do, right? We blame ourselves. We think there must be something wrong with me. So we're trying to smash it at work. We're trying to be emotionally available parents. We're trying to maintain relationships. We're trying to look like we're coping. We're trying to balance all of these plates. We're trying to work on ourselves. We're trying to raise emotionally intelligent children whilst learning to do it ourselves.

2:23And we're kind of trying to do it all without needing too much help because the millennial good girl, she's always independent. So, you know, when you think about this mix, of course, you're exhausted. You're not failing. You're running a program that actually was never meant to work in this way. It was never meant to survive this load. So if you are resonating with this and you're also someone who avoids conflict, who you feel guilty resting, you struggle to ask for help, you say sorry constantly, you suppress your anger, you wear a mask on your feelings, you feel resentful but you don't speak up maybe you even judge other women who seem kind of confident or unapologetic then this is this kind of mix of this good girl conditioning and I know this so well because I see these patterns in myself most days so how the hell do we break free of this well the first step to any change is awareness and a breaking free from the rude girl is really the first step is getting in touch with you and your needs so that you can kind of see this programming for what it is and start to think okay I'm just going to come back to me so you want to start simple here how do I feel what do I need and if you don't know then that's kind of the point like that is what this programming does it disconnects us from ourselves so just start in tiny ways thinking what do I need even if you can't meet that need right you might be like I really want two weeks on my own on a beach obviously you're not probably going to be able to meet that need but it might be okay I have a really core need here for space and solitude how could I get that maybe one evening next week could I give that to myself so that is the first step is start to reconnect with you second step is self-compassion us millennial mothers with this good girl programming we are brutal to ourselves we were kind of taught that pressure and inner critic is how we're going to achieve so when you start to notice these patterns in yourself I don't want you to beat yourself up more right because that's just the same thing can you see if you notice this programming and then beat yourself up about it you're still stuck in the programming what I need you to do is have some distance and some self-compassion for yourself this is kind of things that we've subconsciously absorbed from the way that we were raised from media from the culture that we were raised in it's really not your fault so have self-compassion notice that inner critic and remind yourself you're doing the best that you can all right so the third step is really to think about shifting this in tiny ways breaking free from this programming and starting to feel more sort of confident and empowered and in touch with you and what you need isn't going to happen overnight.

5:14It's not supposed to. It's actually step by step, 1 % by 1%. So if you struggle with pleasing, for example, then practice being more honest in tiny ways. Can you complain that the meal is cold? Can you tell your hairdresser you actually don't like the haircut instead of smiling through like holding back the tears saying, I love it when you absolutely hate it can you ask for help in a tiny way this week could you ask one person to help you with a nursery or a school pickup can you think of one person you could ask for help you for an hour to make your life easier so think about how can I start to break this kind of pushing through independent doing it all holding it all how can you start to break through that into little behaviors and little ways because it is in these one percents they stack up and if it feels uncomfortable kind of good because that discomfort shows that you're breaking free that you are changing so and this matters so much because it is so tough the environment that we're raising our children in you know I write and talk about that all the time and I think one way that we get to just say f you a little bit is by taking our power back in this way is by not buying into this program.

6:35You know, and also our children are watching. They're kind of, if you've got daughters, they're learning what womanhood and motherhood looks like. If you've got sons, they're learning what womanhood and motherhood looks like. So, you know, kind of breaking free from this conditioning and reminding yourself, I matter too. I've got needs too. I don't need to push myself to exhaustion. I am worthy of a rest, right? It benefits you and it benefits It's your whole family unit. So grab this idea, take those small ideas, take that awareness, do it with self-compassion, but start making those 1 % changes.

7:11And I'm really excited to hear the changes that you might make. So thank you for being here and I will see you next time.