Why Confidence Drops in Motherhood and How to Rebuild It

0:07Welcome to this episode of Motherkind. It is me your host Zoe Blaski and this is the show about you, the woman behind the mother. And we are proudly sponsored by Wild Nutrition Women's Supplements. I have an incredible episode for you today. If you want to feel more confident, if you want more self-belief and who doesn't, then this episode, I think it's actually going to blow your mind. My guest is Dior Bediaco, founder, life coach and speaker and she is here to remind us all that your real confidence it starts within and that actually you are capable of so much more than you think you are this episode is going to make you feel powerful and it is going to remind you of no matter where you are right now how incredible you really are.

1:01This episode is going to lift you up. I think you're going to feel really seen and I hope you're going to feel really inspired by what Dior is here to teach us. I hope you love it. Don't forget to subscribe. Here it is.

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2:48do you know i'm so excited to chat to you and i want to know if someone's just pressed play on this and they're feeling kind of low in confidence and self-belief what little pep talk would you give them straight away typically when people are low in confidence and self-belief it's situational it's based on something that has currently recently happened and i would challenge them to step outside of that circumstance and think about what they know to be 100 % true about themselves and a positive thing. To not be lost in the circumstance, but to have mind over matter, to rise above and to think, who am I?

3:26Who have I always been? Who do I want to continue to be? And to lean into that. There's a phrase that I love and it's listen to the confident, most secure part of you. No matter what is happening, everybody can, even if it's a whisper, Even if it's the most quiet voice ever, there is a confident, secure part in everybody in every situation that you can tap into and then choose to lean more into that. So even though there'll be another voice that's telling you other things, choose to focus on the other voice that's telling you what's great about you, what's wonderful about you, what is secure and sure about you.

4:00I think that's so good because, you know, it's particularly in the early years of motherhood. And I know you've got so much experience in coaching mothers. There's so many circumstances that make that confidence dip. Like I was looking at a study the other day, confidence and self-worth dips for the first three years of motherhood, which is not surprising because so much changes. See, I can believe that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So tell her, how does someone who is, you know, they're like, I want a bit of what do-it has. I want that confidence. I want that self-belief. I just can't quite get there. What are the steps that you take someone through to help them unlock that?

4:36First of all, I will say what is the, like what I've just said, the most current thing that's made you feel like your confidence has shaken. And it's always easier to start with a present challenge because a lot of people think what's presently happening is feels very permanent. even though it's just happening now it feels like it's going to be here forever I can't imagine a time when I'm not feeling like this it's so it's visceral so I want to use something that feels insurmountable a mountain in this moment and try and shrink that mountain down and say listen how can we distill this down to just the most factual basic boring version of this because it's so emotionally charged right now it's literally making you feel like you are off balance completely.

5:17So let's try and bring in some balance and bring you eye to eye with the challenge. And then from there, say in the most ideal world, how would you want to handle this? Forget what you have to do now. Let's not even try and make it realistic or anything like that. How would you love to be able to handle the situation? What would you love to be able to think about yourself in this moment? Can you imagine a time where this isn't bothering you anymore and you feel great? Something along those lines. So I would start with that and there's all it's always going to be yes it's always going to be yes if it's a no cool that's fine we can work with that I'd love people to be honest typically it's a yes from there I'm saying okay so what is the most ideal way you'll handle this people say I'll do this this and this and then it's okay perfect how can we bring a bit of that to today not all of it let's not be unrealistic and think that you're going to switch from feeling super low to super woman in two seconds right but let's think about what is the just the tiniest way we can bring this in and it's like okay well I can put on some lipstick brush my hair and feel good and just face the day even if it's tiny like that because sometimes it's the physical things it's not always the internal things start with something small and then build it up and say okay so is it possible then that you can do something because we've just listed something so do you think it's possible yeah can you do that yeah do you want to do that yeah do you want to do something else do you want to do some more and then we'll build it up and up and up I won't push it but I'll take it to a point where you're doing more than what you think you could do.

6:41It went from feeling completely like this is Kilimanjaro. This is a mountain. I'm not going to be able to like climb this to, I'm not going to be able to climb all of it today, but I've climbed more than I thought I could. I love that. There's a meditation that I love that I listened to most mornings and it says, imagine that all the things that are bothering you so much now, they're little ants running around on the ground around you. And like every morning I'm like oh yeah like I get to choose the size of how big I make this problem for yeah me and they're at I would see that as first of all ants are like itchy so I'm like ew see I really like it it's funny how the visual brings up different things but they're at my feet and the tiniest movement I don't even have to jump to kill an ant and I don't have to do the movement that I make to kill an ant is so minimal.

7:35And just to think that I could just lift up my big toe and squash it down and that's it, it's gone. And I think sometimes we need to believe that it's not going to take everything out of you. You're so powerful that even your small effort has big impact. And I think I really need people to know that actually, I really, really, really need people to know that. But I'm a Christian. So I'm just like, we take one step, God takes 10. You don't have to do everything. You don't have to know how to solve this completely. even your small action is enough just do it trust that what I can give in this moment is enough yeah it's so true and I just love hearing that because I think we can think about you know particularly in early motherhood and the changes that we want to make in our lives or just how different our lives feel our day-to-day feels kind of night and day to who we were and how we were before and it can feel like that mountain to climb and I love just no just one tiny just one tiny little action in the right direction can shift can shift everything absolutely yeah you're not where you started my two older sisters are mothers my best friends like mom I'm surrounded by them and I'm so aware of how different our lives are and it's not mine's not better mine's not worse it just is we just have different lives and I'm so grateful in this moment to be like single no children in this moment and be able to use all my time for myself in the pursuit of like my own selfishness and all of that but I am so impressed by women's abilities to have all these extra responsibilities and still face all the challenges and keep going I'm so impressed by it Like I don't even have to be a mom myself to be able to recognize that.

9:23Wow, you inspire me. And I think a lot of moms don't realize that. I don't think they do. And I think we love hearing this. Keep going. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You like, oh, my goodness. Inspire me so much because if I had more added onto my plate, God knows how I would handle my day. Let alone the woman who's experiencing it and still doing it, you know. So the very nature of you even just trying is inspiring somebody who doesn't have your life. but it's like oh my god I couldn't handle what you have and not in a like passive aggressive kind of you know I don't know how to describe it it's like mothers are inspiring period period even taking your smaller step is incredible I love that and I want to talk specifically about confidence because I think you're amazing at helping people tap into that confident part of themselves first of all how do you define confidence what what is it to you and what why is it why does it matter Why is it important?

10:16I love this question so much. There's a life coach, Brooke Castillo, and I studied at her life coach school. Fantastic training. And she describes confidence as the willingness to experience any emotion. So confidence doesn't mean that you're not feeling other things. It means that you are open to feeling insecure, shy, scared, overwhelmed, but do it anyway. so those other emotions don't stop you the confidence is it says all of you can come along and we're going to do this with with all these feelings present and I think it's important because we all are on a pursuit of more it looks different for everyone the pursuit of more whether it's like you want to buy the next house or you want a different job or you want to create new opportunities for your children or just something it might even be eat healthier move more we're all in the pursuit of more and it's different for everybody.

11:08And the pursuit of that brings with it a lot of difficult emotions to navigate. And you can think that, oh my goodness, why am I feeling, I want to do this thing, but I'm so overwhelmed. I'm so scared. And you think you're failing somehow because your feelings aren't fully aligned with the mission. And I want this thing, but I feel so bad. It's a good thing, but it's also creating so much, a bit of misery for me as I pursue it, I have big goals and I know that as I pursue my goals, it's not fun every day. It's really not. So thinking about confidence being the willingness to experience every emotion helps you realize that, oh my God, the very nature of me being human and having this cocktail of emotions that I navigate every day means I'm confident because I'm doing it anyway.

11:52I'm taking all of this along and I'm still choosing to challenge myself and to allow it to feel however it feels, but still do the action. So I think that's really important to know that you're just normal. Yeah, I love that. How do we develop that skill? Because I think so many of us don't do that, right? Like, I'm really afraid. So I'm not gonna put myself out there. Or last time I got rejected when I sent that email, or I'm not gonna drink. What's that sort of muscle that we need to develop that enables us to feel the fear, to feel the insecurity, to feel the pressure, and keep going? I call it like the GVA goal value add.

12:31I haven't actually said this in a long time. It's just reminded me that I used to speak on this a lot. A lot of times we have a specific goal and we want to pursue the goal. And in pursuit of it, you're going to come across obstacles and feelings and all these. There's a negative side of goal pursuit, right? That we don't like to talk about a lot. It's not a pretty process fully. And in the pursuit of it and feeling challenged by all of this kind of stuff, there is the goal you're trying to pursue, but there's a side goal. There's a parallel goal and it's the value add that it brings to you as a human being.

13:02Because a lot of goals are like there's an external change that comes with a goal. Say there's a goal to buy a house or there's a goal to change a children's school or to get a mortgage, something. It's an external thing that changes. And a lot of people fixate on that external thing. But the goal value add is fully internal. Who do I become in pursuit of this? And by focusing on, yes, it's hard. Yes, the fear is there. this fear makes me feel like I want to stop but if I do it with the fear what changes in me I now have a new example of watching myself do something scared and still go for it I now have a new example of me not being a failure like I always thought I was I now have this expansion in my chest of feeling fear in it but realizing that it doesn't kill me like it's just an emotion so in the pursuit of goals and feeling the fear and feeling like oh my gosh I want to stop why am I doing this this is so hard you have to think but who am I becoming who am I becoming I believe that everything we go for in life is not for what it is but it's for who it makes us for what we can say about ourselves now about the new identity we take on as I was even driving here like I have a goal to make 100k in a month I say everywhere and I announced it like on social media about a year ago and people keep messaging me like so how close are you doing and I'm like not close at all but who I am as a result of having that goal is a completely different woman there are things that I do not even bat an eyelid about everything can be going horribly wrong and I am so confident you would think that I just won a million pounds when the worst thing in the world has happened to me that day because I am able to witness myself be in that moment and be unshaken and be so secure saying that externally everything feels like it's going wrong.

14:54Internally, I am rock solid. And that's what happens when you pursue goals. As you pursue it, you don't only get closer to the external change, you get closer to your internal actualization, the fullness of who you are supposed to be. And for me, that's why we chase goals. That's why we do things. Not for what it is, but who we become. Yeah, I love that. And I think, you know, as you were talking about the challenges that we overcome, I wish that more women reframed early motherhood like that, right? Because if I think about the average mother, right, overcomes, let's just say she hasn't had fertility struggles or a traumatic birth or an awful postpartum experience.

15:36So let's just say she's an okay sort of standard experience. Even then you overcome unbelievable challenges. every day every single hour of every single day and I and I really wish that everyone listening to this just takes that because I think this kind of confidence dropping in in early motherhood I think we can reframe that and be like actually you know I have overcome all of this and what are the beliefs about myself that I'm rewriting through this experience I can keep showing up Even when I'm exhausted, I can be vulnerable and ask for help. I can, you know, keep another human alive, even when I've never felt more exhausted or scared or alone in my life.

16:20Like what skills and self-belief to take into the rest of our life? And I think, especially as a mother, knowing that your child is watching you, children do not care. They don't understand money. They don't know what your bank balance is. they don't know whether that meal is healthy or not unless you teach them that but what they do know is emotion is confidence they can look in your eyes and see even if they don't understand words yet a baby can look in your eyes and understand things about you they can see confidence they're they're learning everything from you so just knowing that the external perfection all of that doesn't matter who you are on the inside and constantly reminding yourself that this is not about doing it perfectly.

17:05It's about me growing and learning because I'm an example. And I want my child to know that no matter what, the external things, yes, they matter to an extent because that's your quality of life. But the quality of your humanness, who you are, is ultimately what you want your child to mimic from you, learn from you, mirror from you, have their first example of from you. So once you have that visibility of today may not may have not been perfect. This year may have not been perfect, but have I grown? Do I have something I can teach from the inside out? Have I been an example myself? Have things not been so great, but I've still been able to articulate it or have a view of the lessons on the inside and be able to teach that?

17:49Because that's all that matters. When we listen to podcasts, when we sit in audiences, when you're even at dinner with your friends, what you're listening for is, okay, so how are you growing so what's changing within you what can I learn from you that's what's most inspiring you know because we all don't want the same things we all don't want the same car the same amount of money the same house the same schools the same this the same that but we all want to be better people I don't think there's a single person who will say they don't and once you realize that as a mother trying my best failing forward as long as I'm becoming a better version of me that's all that matters that is all that matters how would you help someone who's listening going yeah but I've just been a hot mess for two years I can't see any growth all I've done is survived you would see that so differently if that mother was sat in front of me how would you pull out no let's reframe this look at what you have done what are the questions or the prompts or the ideas that you'd be giving to help that person see it differently I think what's always really helpful is talking to yourself as if you're not yourself.

18:56So I guess I wouldn't say anything to them. I would get them to speak to themselves as if they were speaking to their best friend and just say, say what you've just said about yourself. I've not achieved anything. I've been a hot mess. It's been two years of chaos and craziness. Say that to your best friend right now. Just tell her, tell her you've been a hot mess. You're crap. You haven't achieved anything. You would never, you wouldn't dare. You would easily be able to, And not because you're scared to say it to the person, because you can so clearly see the wonderfulness in them. And it's it's not for me to pull that out of that person.

19:32It's me telling them that you've got to be able to say this to yourself. I run an accountability group as well. And I say to them, accountability is not me messaging you every day. It's you learning the tools to keep yourself accountable. So I'll teach you the tools. You have to use them. So with that person, I would say, listen, turn around, pretend like you are sitting in that or your friend is sitting in that seat and your friend is you. Speak to them in a way that would affirm them. Not even speak to them in a way that would affirm them. Just speak to them. Speak to them about their two year journey.

20:04They would not say any of that stuff. And that's and that takes me to another point where the relationship we have with ourselves. So negative. Not everyone, but some people. We wouldn't dare say half the things we say to ourselves to other people. Again, as I was driving here, I was thinking I really want to create some type of one hour training or something on the difference between taking responsibility and taking blame. And I think a lot of women just blame, blame, blame and shame and negative. If you were giving feedback to somebody else, you wouldn't do it in a way that would hurt them. You'd give it to them in a way that's constructive.

20:39That is exactly how we should talk to ourselves. It is unacceptable to speak down to yourself. Unacceptable. like seriously I like to do hard things I always challenge myself to do hard things I am not hard on myself very different the doing is hard but the relationship is always loving it's always kind full of grace I take responsibility and accountability for where I'm not pulling my weight but I don't shame myself I don't put myself down I lovingly correct and keep it moving the Action is hard enough. The relationship doesn't need to be. Yes. Have you always been that way? Yeah, I think so.

21:22But I learned it even more when I first started my business and I had no money. I was home alone. My friends were able to do all this wonderful stuff and I just couldn't afford it. So I had no choice but to become even more of my own best friend. I've always liked my own company, but I had to. This wasn't by choice anymore. I actually had to stay home and had to focus on me and I just began to really like who I was and say okay well if it's just me and me we might as well be like super best friends we might as well really enjoy each other's company and when I say we it's like who you're talking about because if it's you but you know when you say things to yourself like you're better than this who you talking to right so there's almost like two sides of you maybe a higher self and I don't know what to call it, conscious, subconscious.

22:11But from there, I realized that it doesn't serve me to be horrible to myself. It doesn't make me work harder. It doesn't inspire me more. It doesn't do anything but make me just want to curl into a ball and slip. So I said, no, I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that. If I'm going to be in this body, in this skin, in this life with Dior every single day until the day I die, I don't know what that, when that day is going to be. I'm going to make that personal relationship really, really, really fun and enjoyable and one that I want to keep forever. And I want to keep spending more and more time with myself.

22:46As in, like, if you have a partner who's so loving, so kind, who knows you, cares about you, affirms you, you're going to want to spend more and more time with them. You're going to be like, yeah, let's do this. Like, that quality time is going to feel amazing, even if you're doing nothing. And you'd want to just keep upping it and upping it and upping it so I'm like yeah I want to just continue to enjoy being me and the best way to do that is to to build this relationship that's very positive with myself very very positive and in that it's not all sunshine and roses it's also knowing the areas I need to improve and being honest because that's part of being in a relationship honesty but how you deliver that honesty is what separates it from being a good or bad relationship and loving my flaws, not making myself feel bad about it, saying you're not perfect at this or that.

23:33You need to get better in these areas. You're still slacking in that, but just being okay with it and saying, but I still love you.

23:42And now a quick word from our sponsors.

23:50I'm loving this because something that I discovered is that the inner critic, that critical part of ourself, that gets louder the more that we care about something, right? So most women, when they become mothers, have never cared about anything more than how they perform, quote unquote, as a mother, which is why I think that guilt is so high and that, you know, I'm failing, I'm dropping balls, I'm not a good enough man, which you hear constantly. You very rarely hear a woman say, do you know what? I'm a really, really incredible mother. You kind of don't hear that. I don't think I've heard it.

24:19You don't hear that, right? That's true. And so I'm wondering, how do we, knowing that that critic gets louder, how do we begin to change it so that I think people are like, I want what Dior's got. Like what you just described is like it for me. It's like that is what we all want. How do we get there? Day by day. It's really easy in the good moments, very challenging in the hard ones where maybe you have shouted at your child when you didn't want to. or maybe you over-prioritize other things where you said, okay, I'm really going to be there for the kids. And then you're like, oh, I really have to work.

24:54And then you feel guilty. It's in those moments where it's hard to love yourself, where it's hard to forgive yourself, doing it even more. It's when it's hard to forgive yourself, hard to love yourself, hard to be kind to yourself, that's when you need it the most. So just stopping and saying, you know what? The intention was good. You're a good person. I know who you are. So even if you didn't perform that perfectly, the intention was good. You're a good person and there'll be another opportunity to get it right. But for now, you're okay. And just start there. Just literally start. I do that with myself all the time.

25:31I think we need that just, that clipped out so people can just replay it. So when everything's going to get us around, it'll be yours. Beautiful voice coming in saying, you're okay. The intention was good. It's just beautiful. Oh my God, I have a clip where I wrote, like I read a page from my diary on TikTok and everybody was like, so how you speak to yourself? And I was like, yeah, because I need it. And I was just basically saying like, I was your first ever friend. I will be your last. I will be with you every day. I have got you. I really care about you. It doesn't mean I'm going to be perfect though.

26:05That's not realistic. It just means that I'm just here for you and I'm always going to try and I'm always going to love you. And no matter what it looks like, Like we're on this journey together. That's just how I need it. I need that from me because also I can't fully expect it from anybody else. Like right now I'm not feeling well and I can be like, my friends haven't texted me. This person hasn't. But I've done that for me. I've really been like, okay, what do you need? You still want to work? Okay, cool, let's do it. I've checked in on me. So it makes you, you allow other people to be human and to be flawed and not judge them so much.

26:41and you just give yourself a lot of what you need knowing that I can. And then also in the moments where I'm not so great, you can also say, hey, listen, that wasn't your best. That wasn't your best. I'll be honest with you. You know you're better than that. But try again next time. It's okay. We forgive you now. I love it. And, you know, I really relate to what you're saying because I'm someone who didn't have that relationship with myself and I do now after years and years and years of sort of working on that. And what I found is that that relationship myself has enabled me to change and to try new things.

27:18And is that sort of the relationship that we have with ourselves and our inner dialogue, is that linked to our ability to try to change? Because there'll be so many people listening who will want to move out of London, who will want to finally start their own business or go and retrain, maybe even as a coach, whatever it is, how does that relationship impact our ability to actually back ourselves enough to go and do those things? You just hit them. Even as you were saying, I was like, oh, she gets it. She gets it because it's true. Once you have that relationship with yourself, it opens you up to all the possibilities within you.

27:56You're not blocking yourself and not living in the truth of who you are. You are able to fully see yourself. And when you fully see yourself and realize that, oh, there's more in me. You become so in tune with, hmm, I'm sensing a desire for this. Oh, I feel like I want more of this in my life. Oh, wait, hold on. I don't want, I think that chapter is closed now. I don't want that. And you're able to honor what you feel blooming within you. Like you hear your desires more clearly. You're excited to go for them, to go for it because you, you know, you will be with yourself on that journey. It's not about success or failure.