Why Mothers Need Time Alone (And Why It's Not Selfish)

0:01Hi, I'm Zoe. Welcome back to Motherkind. We are proudly sponsored by Wild Nutrition's Women's Supplements and this is the show about you, the woman behind the mother. Let me ask you something. When was the last time you were completely alone? No one touching you, talking to you, needing something from you, just quiet, just you. And when you imagine that right now, does a part of you almost feel like a desperate longing for it like your whole body just exhaled at the thought if yes then this is the episode for you today because I know that there might be a voice in your head that says you're selfish for wanting that alone time it might say that good mothers don't need to escape their children it might say that something's wrong with you for wanting to be away from the people you love most in the world and I want to tell you today with everything that I have, that voice is wrong.

0:59You're craving alone time. It's not a character flaw.

1:03Zoe:It's not a sign that you don't love your children enough. In fact, it is one of the most intelligent things that your nervous system is doing. And once you understand the psychology behind it, everything changes. So let me start by painting a picture of a typical day and tell me if this sounds familiar. You're woken up, not by an alarm, but by a small person either climbing on you or calling your name. Before you've even opened your eyes, you are needed. Breakfast, the right bowl, the right spoon. Someone can't find their shoes. Someone is crying. The dog needs feeding. There's a message from school.

1:42You haven't replied to that WhatsApp. You're already running late. You haven't prepped for your first meeting at 9am. Who keeps setting 9am meetings you get everyone out the door you spend the day either working which now being involves being mentally available for your family even when you're not physically there you're getting calls from the school calls from the nursery remembering things throughout the day

2:03Zoe:or you're with your children which means being kind of needed all day you're negotiating refereeing asking questions being touched out needed needed needed needed so by 5 p.m your nervous system is completely fried someone asks you what for dinner and you feel a flash of rage that seems really disproportionate to that question and you might snap and then you feel guilty and you wonder what is wrong with you well nothing is wrong with you you are over stimulated and as i talk a lot about in my book and in my work we are the first generation of mothers raising children with social media without a village doing the majority of the emotional and visible labor at home in a culture that values productivity over rest and never ever tells us that we're allowed to have needs of our own our nervous systems are being asked to process more more noise more information more emotional labor more stimulation than they were ever actually designed to handle so your craving for space and alone time isn't weakness it's actually your body's intelligence telling you exactly what you need.

3:19Now, here's something that I find really fascinating that I don't hear talked about enough in the motherhood space. And this is that some of us feel this overstimulation more intensely than others. And there's a reason for that. If you're someone who notices everything, the shift in someone's tone, the tension in a room before someone's even said a word maybe the unspoken feelings of people around you your nervous system is processing more information than average and psychologists call this being a highly sensitive person it's not a diagnosis it's a trait and research suggests about 20 of the population have it there is an incredible book that i will put in the show notes called highly sensitive parents that i really recommend for starting to understand if you are highly sensitive how it's impacting you day to day highly sensitive mothers are extraordinary in so many ways the attunement the empathy the ability to read your children's needs before they can even articulate them that's a superpower but it does come with a cost because you are absorbing the emotional atmosphere of everyone around you all day long.

4:33As Dr. Gabor Marte told me on the podcast, mothers are the emotional shock absorbers of the family. And for highly sensitive women, that absorption is turned up to full volume.

4:50Then we can sometimes add introversion into the mix. And I want to be clear here, introversion is not shyness I am actually an introvert and I am not shy at all introversion or extroversion is simply about how you're wired to recharge so extroverts gain energy from being around people introverts like me spend energy around people even people they love and we need solitude to restore it neither is better they're just different operating systems but in motherhood when you're almost never alone being an introvert can feel like running a phone on one percent battery permanently and it's not a personal failing this is your wiring and your wiring

5:34Zoe:deserves to be understood and respected but by you first so if the craving for alone time is natural and actually intelligent of our bodies why does it feel so shameful because we've absorbed deeply and early what I call the martyr mother memo. This is the idea that to be a good mother, you have to be endlessly available. You have to need nothing. You have to give everything. You have to find complete fulfillment in your children and ask for nothing in return. And Glennon Doyle said to me on Motherkind, we have lived as if she who disappears the most loves the most. And so when you close the bathroom door and you just stand there for two minutes in the quiet and you feel that relief your brain immediately tells you that that relief is evidence of something wrong with you that a devoted mother wouldn't need this but here's what I want to offer you instead your needs don't disappear when you become a mother they actually grow because now you are holding more than you've ever held more responsibility more emotion more mental load yes and more love so you need more restoration to match it there's a beach ball analogy that I love which is that if your needs are like a beach ball and you push the underwater you can push your needs down and you can push your needs down but they don't go away they actually just explode to the surface when you least expect it and that often comes in the form of snapping resentment rage even so the guilt about needing alone time is not a moral compass it's actually a hangover from a cultural story about motherhood that was never true and never fair.

7:19You're allowed to need quiet, you're allowed to need alone time, you are allowed to need space and I'd go further than saying allowed, you're actually required to restore yourself.

7:31Zoe:I want to reframe what alone time actually is because I think we've been sold a kind of shallow version of it. It's not laziness and it's not abandonment and it's not selfishness solitude is actually where you come back to yourself it's where the noise of everyone else's needs quietened down enough so you can hear your own it's where your nervous system which has been in that low level state of alert all day finally gets to exhale it's where you get to process the emotions you've been absorbing all day it's where you remember who you are instead of being someone's mother partner employee snack bringer in my work with hundreds of mothers I've noticed something consistent the mothers who most resist taking time alone are often the ones who have lost themselves the most in motherhood and the ones who have learned to protect small pockets of solitude even just 10 minutes they seem to show up with more patience more presence and more genuine connection when they are with their children and i've observed that in my coaching practice but it's not just my observation the research actually backs it up emotional regulation our ability to stay calm in the storm to be the steady ship it does require a nervous a regulated nervous system and a nervous system cannot regulate without rest, full stop.

9:06Zoe:So when you take alone time, you're not choosing yourself over your children. As Dr. Becky Kennedy of Good Insight said on the podcast, showing up regulated, having had a moment to yourself, that's actually the greatest gift that you can give your children. And I want to pause here and ask you something directly because because I think it's important to notice there's a difference between solitude that nourishes you and withdrawal that isolates you and I think we have to be honest with ourselves about which one we're doing if your craving for alone time comes from that need for an exhale for a sense of restoration and you come back to your family feeling more like yourself that's healthy that's what we want your nervous system is doing exactly what it needs to do but if you're retreating and isolating because the world feels completely unmanageable maybe because connection feels impossible maybe because you've stopped doing the thing that used to bring you joy that might be your nervous system telling you something different that might be a sign of burnout or anxiety or even depression that deserves more support than just solitude so always you know if you're concerned about yourself in that way go to your GP you can protect your peace and keep growing rest and retreat are different things and I think it's important to know which one you're in so practically how do you actually protect your alone time without the guilt eating you alive here are some things that have genuinely worked for me and the women that I coach it's name it as a need not a luxury the moment you start framing your need for a little bit of alone time as essential maintenance rather than a sort of treat that you have to earn everything shifts you don't apologize for charging your phone so start treating your own restoration in the same way start tiny you do not need a weekend away although honestly if you can take it you just need 10 minutes maybe before the house wakes up or after they're in bed or in the car before you go to school pick up 10 minutes of genuine quiet no phone no podcast not even this one no productive list just you you can tell your family what you're doing and why i say to my kids all the time i'm taking 10 minutes because i just need a moment that's a really good thing to teach your children they are learning from you and they will model you how to restore themselves when they need to it models it really does that their needs matter too that restoration is not shameful it's nothing to feel guilty about it's something that everyone needs you can love people deeply and still need space from them those are two truths that we have to hold so notice what specifically restores you every single person listening or watching to this will be different for me it's a walk without headphones it's my early morning cup of tea in silence it's journaling for you it might be something different think about what the things that feel you back up so that you can release that guilt so that you can keep restoring yourself and it's so important to name it to yourself what you're doing so I am restoring myself right now instead of I'm doing something that I need to be guilty about when you hear that voice just know that's the martyr mother memo talking you can hear it and choose not to believe it so here's what i want you to take away today your craving for alone time is not evidence that something is wrong with you it is evidence that you are a human being with human needs and a human nervous system you're feeling everything and you're actually holding more than one person should have to hold and your nervous system absolutely requires you to take that alone time you are not selfish for needing quiet you're actually smart for giving it to yourself so I hope you have taken something from this episode please do share it with a mother that you think needs to hear this too remember to subscribe wherever you are listening or watching to this and I will see you next time that was the episode I hoped you loved it if you did please make sure you subscribe and I will see you next time