You’re Not Lost, You’ve Just Forgotten Who You Are with Estelle Bingham

0:07Hey and welcome to Motherkind. It is me your host Zoe. We are proudly sponsored by Wild Nutrition women's supplements. This is the podcast that dives into the real and transformative journey of motherhood. And today I'm bringing you an episode that's not just insightful, it's a new way of thinking about yourself and motherhood. Our guest is Estelle Bingham. She is a world-renowned healer. She's a holistic therapist and the creator of the True Essence Process. She is known as the heart whisperer and she spent over two decades guiding individuals including celebrities like Fern Cotton and Charlotte Tilbury back to their authentic selves.

0:50I have also worked privately with Estelle and can absolutely say that everything that is said about her work is true. She is incredible and in this episode Estelle opens up about the profound journey of coming home to yourself and what does that mean? We tackle the heavy stuff, shame, self-doubt and the identity shifts that come with matrescence but more importantly we explore how to release these burdens and reconnect with the powerful, joyful and authentic woman that I promise you is within you. So if you're ready to shed some layers that no longer serve you and step more and more into who you really are and who you can become, then this is the episode for you.

1:38Let's dive in. And as ever, please do like, subscribe and leave a five-star review so we can flood the world with more of these kind, compassionate, vital conversations. Here it is.

1:59stelle welcome to the podcast i'm so excited to be chatting and connecting this way and i wondered if we could start with you encapsulating the work that you do in the world in kind of one or two sentences, what is it that you do? What I do Zoe is I bring people back home to themselves. I bring people back home to that authentic being that they are underneath all of the noise and the stories and the trauma and the memories and we get back into our true essence and that's really what the name of the book's about and that's what it's all about, our stories and going back into that through the heart.

2:44And who do you help? Is it a certain type of person? Is it a certain type person that's had certain experiences? It's for everyone, really. You know, there isn't, we're all ultimately just, we're human and we're doing, we're in this human experience. We're doing this thing called life. So wherever you are on that journey, and there'll be different times on that journey where we are really offered the opportunity to grow and heal. They're massive invitations so when we become mothers you know for the first time the second time the third time when we start to think about our own relationships with our own mothers and what's in that line it can come at any time in our lives and that's the great thing about being on this journey and what because you've been doing this a long time now having done a big career switch out of TV.

3:37What drives you? And why do you think you're so drawn to this work? Well, this is a good question, actually. So when I talk about it in the book, so my journey to doing this work, you know, it's as it always is in our, with our journeys, it, you know, it doesn't, it starts in one way and ends in another and, and it's always evolving. We're constantly evolving. so when I was very young and I started I learned how to meditate when I was seven years old I grew up in a household that was I suppose it's extrasensory you know it was kind of we you know my mom was into all things 60s you know she was a real 60s girl and I grew up in a household that held that quite safe really so when I got to you know late teens early 20s I didn't want to have anything to do with anything remotely woo-woo, remotely kind of therapeutic.

4:32I was just, I wanted to run for the hills and I did run for the hills. And I, so I went into TV, I manifested something completely different. I went into radio and was a TV presenter, which was a joy, an absolute joy. I loved that life. You know, it was great. And then I sort of, you know, when I had my son actually in LA, I came to a sort of standstill and this part of my mission, my purpose really dropped in. And I always say you can run, but you can't hide. So it was that moment where people started kind of turning up really. I started helping people. And for me, it just is what I'm here to do.

5:14You know, so I've, I've really surrendered to that. And I'm in awe of it every day. And it's a huge privilege because really the journey that we go on is a journey through our hearts back to this original sort of heart state or this original, the original self. And when we witness that in each other and in ourselves, it's really quite profound. I'm so fascinated that you said that it was the birth of your son who kind of, I was going to say triggered, that's not the right word, is it? Who kind of awakened this new path in you? Because I was quite similar, actually. Very similar that it was motherhood that sort of set me on a different path.

5:57Tell me about your matrescence. Tell me about your process through becoming a mother, emerging more you, what challenges came up for you? What was that like? So my matrescence was a real coming of age. And I really believe that it's such a, you know, it's a gift and it's really itchy, scratchy. It's a gift because it takes us, it really brings us to our knees on a lot of levels and beyond, you know, we've taken to the ground and really a ground zero of who we are. and in those moments we get to really revision really meet these parts of ourselves and really evolve and my evolving was classic really because I had Malachi when I was 30 I was living in LA and I wasn't on sort of my homeland I wasn't kind of around my friends I had to make a group of great mothers and great friends.

6:58But it was that there was a real loneliness around. I mean, I always found that there was a real loneliness around being pregnant and the first year or two years of motherhood, especially, and I hear that a lot with my clients too, when there aren't mothers, you know, I'm working with some 35 year old moms at the moment and I'm putting them all together because, you know, we live in these big cities and we mother. And it was a big thing for me because Malachi is 22 at the time, no one was really talking about this stuff. You know, this stuff that you talk about, which is so helpful. It's massively helpful.

7:33You know, this is how we really pay the wisdom forward. But, you know, we used to be in our communities. We used to be in our villages. We used to be hanging out together as women, as mothers. And I would always say that, you know, we weren't meant to mother alone. So you spend these hours and hours on your own, you know, through the day with your children and your babies, especially in those first few months, years, it's tough. And it's also incredible. So it's the two truths, right? It's dialectical truth. We give birth to this phenomenal, precious soul. We can't even believe that we've built this, you know, it's like, wow.

8:12I remember being pregnant and thinking, I'm building a brain today, or I'm building a toenail, or I'm building something else, You know, it's happening. I'm co-creating this thing, you know, this beautiful child is coming through me. At the same time, it also carries with it, you know, this huge cracking open of self, you know, monumental cracking open of self. even if you have family to help you and you have people around something is happening on the inside that will you know gift you with something but at the time it can feel really tough and so for me it felt tough it was it was a lot and I was working with the way that I had been because of course that comes in really quickly you know you start to notice things about yourself you know who you thought you were before or how you relate to this little bundle of love like this little bundle of need, you know, really shows you, it immediately brings how your needs were met into the frame or not met.

9:19And you've got to grapple with that. And it's a challenge. You've got to find space for yourself and the needs of another human being quickly, right? It's like life is saying you have to get on the road right now. So it was all of that. tell me more about that two things want to become one is something happens inside of you what do you mean by that well I really feel you know we have this physiological we have these changes that happen hormonally physiologically we are changing our bodies change our hormones change and everything changes and you know whether you're breastfeeding or not breastfeeding or whatever you're doing, everything changes, your sleep patterns change.

10:06So we are suddenly dropped into massive physiological changes, whether we like it or not, they're happening. And how we navigate those changes, that really pulls into focus what tools we have or don't have, right? That is suddenly we are in relationship with our inner landscape, if we like it or not. and it's one of those things so when we sort of talk about you mentioned my son triggered me and it you know it's like well or did he activate or did he awaken you know it's all of those things it's a trigger it's an awakening it's both and how we we work with those changes on the inside both mentally physically and spiritually are the makings of who we are and of how we mother And so if someone came to you and they're in that sort of, let's say they've got a six month old, because they've managed to get out of the house and make an appointment with you.

11:04So we're going to give them six months to get that done. Absolutely. Because I wouldn't be able to do it in the first few months. And they come to you and they say, you know, I feel really exhausted on the sort of physical side. I also feel really lost. And I don't know who I am. And I think that's why lots of people would come to you because you're known for helping people drop into their truth. How would you start with someone? What are some of the things that you would say or what would you be thinking as that person's talking through that experience? Well, actually, I have someone who's just come to see me who has a six month old.

11:42And you're right. You know, well done for managing to do it at six months. And I always say babies and dogs are welcome. You know, everything you can bring puppies and newborns. it's all good. You know, I'm really happy with all of that in my practice because it's life. And that's what it means to actually just be in life with other people and really companion other people, but mothers especially, because we find ourselves really lost. And that feeling that comes in at six months, it can feel like an abyss. It can feel like you're in this desert that nothing really adds up. Like all of the signposts that you had before or all of the coping mechanisms that you had before are obviously not working anymore.

12:26And it really makes us ask that question, who am I and what do I do and how do I do this? And am I doing it right? So within the first six months, I would say one of the biggest things that motherhood brings you is the potential to understand what compassion really means. And I start there because ultimately on this journey, you are going to have to be so compassionate and so compassionate again. And you're going to have to, you know, those mornings where you don't feel great about yourself, where you don't feel like you've done a great job, where you feel like it's all falling apart, where you haven't had any sleep, where you've lost your temper, you haven't been able to regulate your emotions, you're completely dysregulated.

13:15Guess what? You're human. And the only thing that we can meet those feelings with is compassion. Because if we don't meet those feelings with compassion, then we will spiral into shame. And our shame wound that I talk about a lot in the book is so potentially activated through those first two, three, four months, years, you know, and it can go on of how we show up to this relationship with our children. You know, it's a big one. So six months, I always say in those early months, be gentle, be gentle. What does it really mean? You know, when we start to feel into compassion and being gentle, then we are assessing, it's like a blueprint.

13:59It's like the foundations for how we mean to go on with our children, because things will not go to plan. They don't go to sleep on time. And, you know, they will wake up three times in the night and there will be temperatures. And, you know, all of these things that happen, we have to come back to that place in ourselves. We have to start to learn where to anchor. The only place we can anchor is inside ourselves. It won't be outside yourself anymore. It's so true. And that was my experience, that shame wound. Talk more to that because I think there's so much talk about, and I talk about it a lot, about guilt and perfectionism.

14:35And I feel like at the core of all of that is probably this shame wound, which is I'm not enough. How does someone start to firstly recognize that for what it is, as opposed to confusing it for the truth, which I think is what a lot of mothers do? Well, I am not good enough. and then how does someone start to move through that so they can get to the place that you're talking about which is self-compassion well for me you know we we in the true essence process in the book the the shame wound is we meet the inner child we go into the shadow lands and the shame wound is a chapter that that came in and really came in shame presented itself and said you cannot finish this book without writing me in to this process and I write in the beginning of that chapter I sort of look shame in the eye and I think you're absolutely right you know this book it would not be complete without us exploring and dissolving and understanding shame and shame has a place at the table because what you said Zoe is is it's at the root of everything and it really is at the root of everything so when we do any shadow work so we're looking at the things you know where we get triggered.

15:48Shame, I always say, is in the darkest corner under the biggest rock in the darkest corner of your shadow. You will find shame there. And all of us have a shame wound. It's by default. We know through studies and psychology that it's something that happens by default because we're human. So there will always be a moment where a need as a child isn't met. And someone called Kaufman writes about, everyone has their little pocket of shame who he did he was an incredible um sort of you know explored this territory in the 60s and everyone has a pocket of shame so no one gets away with with that like you will have one I sit in sessions with people and workshops and they look at me really blankly saying I don't have any shame I'm fine you know and sometimes we have to work on meeting like going deep into deep and then deeper to find the shame wound.

16:45And what it is, as you know, is it's that voice that is so often woven into our voice. So I will speak to people and they say, but that's my voice. And I say, no, that's shame that has woven itself into your voice. And we have to now unpick that because it's not you shame as you know Zoe it tells us that we are bad so it's not that the thing we do is wrong you know and those words again are so punishing but when we're children we internalize things as good or bad often at school or you know those internalized voices I got that right I got that wrong you know you're at school doing trying to do your maths and I remember sitting and doing, I didn't pass one maths exam in my life apart from my GCSE.

17:34I don't know how I managed to do that. But you get every single maths equation wrong and it's wrong, right? It's a red line. It's wrong. It's not right. So that's often how we understand we make sense of the world. Is it right? Is it wrong? And if mum's saying to us, stop that. And obviously, when we grew up, our mothers didn't have the resources. So they would say, that's really bad. That's really naughty. That's really all of these things. And what we internalized was that we are bad rather than the thing is bad or the thing is naughty or the thing's inappropriate. That is a festering wound that will create later in life all of our perfectionism, all of our people pleasing, all of our, you know, deep seated fear of not being enough and a failure.

18:26I'm failing at this motherhood thing. and I always say remember that this is in yourselves and when you come back into your heart when we take start to really take some time compassionately sit with that word compassion what is love when you look into the eyes of your child that overwhelming sense of love and it doesn't always necessarily come immediately some people you know give birth and they don't feel anything. At some point, I would wish for you that you do look into the eyes of your child, you know, you go in and make sure that they're there and what's happening and, you know, because you love them so much, that feeling, that wellspring, that flow, just that of love, you know, is where you will find your compassion for yourself.

19:14And so when we come back into our hearts, and for me, it's a really simple thing where we do a really simple tweak, we come back into the heart energy. You can do it once a day. You can do it on the school run, buying a coffee, you know, out in the garden, sitting on the computer, just wherever you are, you just come back into your heart because our heads, remember that our heads hold a lot of that shame dialogue, but our hearts have something different to say. Our hearts have a wisdom, something different where you will feel unconditional love for the first time. And motherhood is a great opportunity to understand and activate that power within you.

19:51How do you do that? What's that practice that gets you from that head that might be saying you're failing, you're doing it wrong, you're not good enough, you're juggling too much, all that sort of negative chatter. How do you drop away from that into the heart so that you can, and then what happens? Do the thoughts stop? Do you tell us that process? Okay, so remember the thoughts never stop, right? So the thoughts, but we do resolve thoughts. So we start to notice thoughts. So you would have heard this many times, Zoe, and obviously a lot of people have spoken about this, but, you know, there's a difference between our egos.

20:26What happens beyond the thoughts? You know, what happens beyond the ego? Remember, the ego is a construct of the lifetime. The ego is made up of all of the things. And it doesn't mean that we don't, you know, having an ego is not, it's not, we don't dismiss the ego. The ego is part of being on the planet. We need an ego. but within that you know it can be our damaged the damaged parts of our ego so that all of the stuff that we've spoken about what dropping into the heart offers you is a is a space within the space to notice the thoughts and notice what's happening and all it is it's super simple is you bring both hands into the heart and you take actually a somatic so it's a deep heart embodied breath.

21:10So it's an inhale through the nose and we can hold and then exhale, but it's a sigh. I want you to notice the sigh. The sigh is really important. So that's a sort of the somatic. It's what I call a heart embodied breath that from, you know, the hours and hours I spent with people over the last 20 odd years has really, it really brings in a heart coherence and heart coherence is now a science backed understanding. So science says that heart coherence will completely, apart from the incredible health benefits it has, but it brings us into this wisdom of the heart and the heart has a mind of its own.

21:57So that's the thing that so many people don't realize. I mean, I had someone message me yesterday on Instagram and she said, I can't, you know, this book has really shifted some really basic things for me. And I know it's really silly, but I never thought about the heart. She was doing a lot of womb healing. And I think womb healing is so important too. But remember that the heart is the first organ in the body. And it has the electromagnetic frequency of the heart is 100 times more powerful than the mind and the brain. So when you walk into a room, your heart is sending out an aura. People can feel your heart before any of this brain stuff.

22:35And it has a mind of its own. It has neurotransmitters. It has neurons. It has support cells. It's like a piece of kit, right, that we just need to get online. Like we need to switch it on. At the very least, I say to stay curious, to see what happens. Bring your heart in. Remember the chatter, chatter, chatter. we can keep spiraling around and around dropping into the heart there's something else that will happen what normally happens say someone does that practice they've come to see you this this client and she's done that for a couple of weeks every time she notices she's getting up in her head and it's, you know, going round and round and she's popping her hand on her heart, she's breathing out and she's doing that kind of imperfectly, you know, let's say she's doing it 20 % of the time.

23:34What will start to happen after a couple of weeks? Well, there's this sort of, I suppose what happens is there's a separation from the stuff. Remember that the stuff, the voices that, remember that saboteur, that little voice that says to you that you're an imposter, that you're not enough, that you're not doing all of that stuff we start to feel a separation between that noise and an inner voice that is actually really aligned really knows can make decisions you know that thing that happens in motherhood too where you could just don't really know what to do what do i make you know what choice do i make we lose our intuition we lose our sense of self we've got no no map there's no anchor and like I said before we were in communities where you would go to your aunt's house and she would there would be three cousins there she'd be making a stew or you know people would hang out and you'd oh I'm going to cook now you don't have to cook today or throw to leave the children with me and you could kind of find these spaces in between our spaces and we don't have those spaces in between our spaces all the support so we have to like I said come back inside and this heart work brings you into this anchoring that you had inside you all along.

24:53And that's really the message of this book. Our true essence is just, it was here all along. We just have to take some time and create space and go on that little quest, you know, because it is a quest. It becomes something really very magical, really. When clients come to see me and they say, wow okay so I'm in alignment like suddenly I'm I feel like I'm in more alignment or there's more synchronicities or I'm I'm I need something I find the book that I need or I feel I noticed that I was getting really stressed out but I really noticed it and I took a moment I took a moment to breathe and I and then I could kind of change my response and I felt really good about that I'm feeling really good about that so I always say the everyday miracles and what are the everyday miracles.

25:44You are a walking miracle. And those miracles don't have to be, it's not a big fandango with sort of like, you know, like, you know, fireworks and stuff going off and things that, you know, people always say, I want to see angels. And it's like, it doesn't have to look like that. You know, an angelic moment is just being, sitting in the, going into the garden when you're feeling like you're raging actually, or you're really tired, or you haven't got energy to be present and it's going into the garden taking that moment walking barefoot just looking up at the sky and breathing and resetting your brain so that your your mindset is different and you go back in with your child and sit with your child and it's different that is like an everyday miracle yeah it's true it's true and one of the teachers that I used to follow she used to say a miracle is a shift in perception and I really liked that because I thought it's true you're sort of locked into this way of thinking about something and then you do something different and you perceive it differently it's kind of miraculous yeah that we can you know be screaming at the kids or overwhelmed or juggling and rushing and instead of going down the usual track which might be to beat ourselves up about that or to just push harder or to shout louder we we remember you know maybe listening to this or something else remember to pause and take a moment and then everything does shift from there and it does it is those little micro shifts and those those micro miracles isn't it absolutely I wanted to talk to you about being an empath and deeply feeling because I think so many mothers me included it kind of puts all that we've spoken about, you know, nervous system, shame, awakenings, triggers.

27:35For me, being an empath and deeply feeling and highly sensitive puts all of that on another level. Tell me about being an empath and feeling things, what that means for you and why then boundaries are so important. So being an empath and becoming a mother is, again, it's a really powerful invitation to grow those boundaries. Because what I always say about being an empath is that you're a toxic empath until you build your boundaries, until you build the ability to say no. And so that line in the sand where I end and you begin doesn't mean that I love you any less. it just means I love myself too.

28:22And when we become mothers, we can feel so, you know, conflicted and so much shame about taking time out for ourselves and what that looks like. And am I allowed to do that? So it really challenges when we're toxic empaths and become mothers, it challenges our belief systems around what it means to care for others. Because, and it's an invitation to become what I say, a fully fledged empath, because a fully fledged empath, you're in the world, you look after yourself and you look after others and you model that to your children and you model that to the people that you care about and the people that you love and the people that you work with.

29:01The people that you work with, so when I'm working, it's, I'm a hundred percent of service to them in the time, you know, our sessions together, I'm a hundred percent service And it's, it literally starts, you know, at minute one and ends at minute 16 and that's it. But if I overrun and actually sometimes I probably do, but if I do overrun, it's, you know, I generally don't. And it's, and it's so that that's held as a space in time because I need to look after myself and I need to really look after my own energy because as empaths, we feel things a lot more. We do. It's just how it is. So it's important for everyone, even if you're not an empath or feel like you're an empath, to really give yourself permission to say no and say no to the things you don't want and yes to the things you do.

29:54So finding your voice and having those boundaries in the back pocket. Yeah. And I think it's so interesting because when I realized I was highly sensitive and empathic, it made so much sense that I struggled so much with babies crying. It felt like it was going through me with any, you know, those nursery drop offs where she would cling to me. That would impact me all day. And when I would speak to other mothers, I realized that wasn't the case for them. And it was because I was this kind of deeply feeling. And so I think it's even more important than to build up those boundaries and resources, isn't it?

30:31What are some of the practical things? So I love the practical tool you've given of dropping into the heart and doing that somatic breath. if someone is kind of highly sensitive empathic what are some of those practical things that someone can can do to protect their energy being highly highly empathic and highly sensitive is a superpower and we hold that as an energy in our families in our communities and first and foremost you know i just want to say if you're listening to this you know you're you're doing an amazing job of being you because things are really magnified you know I remember I if I see someone if I see an accident it goes through me like the crying if even if I see blood you know it's like it can really it really impacts you and so grounding is very very important and we've heard about that haven't we in in different places what it means to walk barefoot on the earth or what it means to make sure that you're eating interestingly really like grounding your your physiology is very important if you're an empath and for me what I do is I teach chakra meditation so I do a lot of you know root chakra meditation so understanding you know rooting through your seat into the earth into the chair before you start your day so that you get a clear feeling of who you are, because that's what it's all about.

31:57It's getting a clear feeling of who you are and then giving yourself permission to check in too. So check in with, if you're getting pulled into doing something because you feel like, oh, I want to be there for that person. Say you've got a fellow mom that calls you up and says, I really, you know, I'm having a really hard time, but you're having a really hard time or you haven't got the energy for it. How do you negotiate that as an empath? Because you want to be of service. You want to be there. You want to be at the end of the phone. So it's that sort of itchy, scratchy, firstly and foremostly for me, it's about really kind of getting a sense of yourself.

32:30So I do that through the earth. I do it with yoga. I do it with a sort of rooted seat meditation. And also I have something that I call the kind of invisible cloak meditation where you draw in light through the crown and you fill yourself in a bubble of light. And that really works when you go out into the world. I also actually have a perfume i created a perfume called protect for empaths that it sells online and still being in wellness and also in liberties and it's got all natural it's all essential oils and and um crystals it's got kind of crystal essences tree essences flower essences to literally create this cloak of protection so when you're on the tube when you're walking down the road or you're just feeling a bit wobbly that day it kind of just brings you in with those kind of essences because also actually essential oils are really good and really can really protect you you know that's a really ancient tradition of protecting our energy and it works what would be a good oil for a empathic mum who's feeling sort of overwhelmed with other people's demands and emotions on her well yeah i mean i actually feel like vetiver vetiver is very good and i i like combinations like I like a sort of clary sage, a sort of like a rose.