Auntie Joanna, Teeth & Bestiality (Again)

0:02This is a Global Player original podcast.

0:14Joanne McNally:This is exciting. It is exciting. We've never done a competition on the podcast before Vogue, but that is about to change. The prize is this. It's you. On Saturday 18th of October 2025, just in case anyone was querying the year. You'll be coming to the Event of Apollo in London with two tickets to my sold-out show, Pinafile. Then you'll come backstage and have a drink at Vogue and I. You'll also, by the way, you'll also get a night in a hotel near the Event of Apollo and we're going to throw in£150 cash towards your travel costs. That's very generous of us. Also, wait, oh, well, I'm sorry about this.

0:51Also, a ghosted merch bundle and a copy of Big Mouth thrown in.

0:56Joanne McNally:Why not? The competition is to help raise money for global's Make Some Noise, which funds vital life-changing projects across the UK, delivered by small local charities with the aim of making sure nobody is left facing life's toughest challenges alone. Projects tackle a wide range of issues, including bereavement, food poverty, domestic abuse, homelessness and loneliness. This is only open to residents of the UK aged 18 and over and who are based in the UK at the time of entry. For your chance to win, for you and a friend to grab a drink with us, then two tickets to see Joanne's paenophile show on Saturday the 18th of October 2025 at the event of Apollo in London text GHOST G-H-O-S-T to 82200 By entering you'll have the chance to make a voluntary £5 donation which will be added to your phone bill 100 % goes to Globals Make Some Noise You've got until 10am on Monday the 13th of October to enter Keep your phone handy we may be calling you Standard network rates apply you must be 18 or over to enter For full T's and C's, including prize date restrictions, visit makesomenoise.com forward slash win.

2:03Joanne McNally:So text GHOST to 82200.

2:13I went to go and get my flu jab last week and they sneered at me. I was far too early. I'm way too excited about getting it. And they were like, sorry, not available yet.

2:23Joanne McNally:Do you mean early in life or early in the season? Because I would have assumed it was early in life. I thought they'd be like, come back when you're 58, 60. It's early in the season, supposedly. I go to somewhere where you have to pay for it. So I don't put any pressure on the NHS if anyone wants to give it to me. And they refuse to take my money. They wouldn't take the goddamn money. Surely it's not even, what is it? It's September. Like, it's still hot outside. There's people in shorts and t-shirts and stuff. that's very organised although this is the woman if it was on the go in July I'd go yeah this is the woman who booked her panto tickets two years in advance or certainly 12 months yeah Jesus I haven't booked my panto tickets this year I'd be on I'd be on my deathbed from tuberculosis and I'd be like fuck I'm gonna take that flu job I'm always after the fact everything has to fall apart like I had a I had I was on the road I was in Plymouth I was in between oh I saw that Guilford and Plymouth and one of my teeth started acting up.

3:24Joanne McNally:Remember I was saying to you? Remember I was on the pod saying? Anyway, it turns out a filling had fallen out but it was a temporary filling because I'm supposed to get a root canal but obviously I haven't gone back to get the root canal so I had to wait until everything fell apart then I'd get an emergency dentist in the middle of the night and look like a Bell's palsy for half a show because I won't do anything ahead of time whereas if that was you, Vogue, you'd have had a full set of new teeth done within seven months of the root canal. I mean, particularly when it comes to teeth, I am in there like that's done there's no waiting around for the teeth absolutely not I even have listen I've got I don't know if you're allowed to have it but like I've got a couple of prescriptions in the in the cover there just in case I have one for a UTI yeah well you need that women need that yeah yeah yeah I meant to say to you you know the way I like a bit of sci-fi science well science is science science fiction science they're they think they've invented something that can regrow teeth careful where you put it I mean yeah do you know what I mean the other way when you tan and then your arms are your hands are all brown and all imagine teeth going out of your palms or anywhere else you'd be like a cat cats have spikes down there yeah and they just claw in oh no it's the penis that has the spikes when I commit to my celibacy era I will grow a set of teeth down there just in case I decide one night to give up my sexual pioneering I'll be like no no It's no longer a safe space.

4:51Joanne McNally:It's a rat trap. But yeah, the printer's saying they can regrow teeth. Would that be great news? I don't know if it's the best news. Like, I'd prefer if they could regrow something, like, better. Well, that's because you have teeth. Yeah, but we don't need teeth. Like, I mean, can they work on growing something? Well, we do, but we don't absolutely need them. Like, I'd rather work on hearts or something. Well, they are still working on cancer. Do you not remember your man? There was a Netflix series about him. it was very interesting I watched it on a true crime doc a while back and now it's obviously it's hit Netflix because all great things do this female journalist who dated this doctor who was ahead of his time with heart surgery and he was putting what he was he was fixing fixing in inverted commas turns out he wasn't really fixing them like kind of extra kind of external bits and bobs picky bits into people's he was putting picky bits into people's bodies to help fix their hearts and stuff but it turns out he was literally going down the hardware store and like buying like valves and stuff.

5:52Joanne McNally:Tubes and stuff. Yeah. Putting them in. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was like tapping away. But his argument is I needed to push the boat because if you don't push the boat you don't know what works. The family's argument was you could have told us you were taking picky bits from the hardware store and now our family's dead. Anyway, yeah. Oh, they died so it didn't even work. No, it didn't work. No, no, no. It didn't work. None of them survived it. No. Do you ever see those operations where doctors leave like tea towels and shit inside patients. Do you see that? It's like, how did you forget? I suppose it is a bit of a mumble jumble down there with the intestines and shit the size of football pitches.

6:28It's like... A sponge

6:29Joanne McNally:here and there I can understand, but like a stethoscope, you're like, come on now, I will sue. Did you see the story about the Dr. Rees-Di and it kind of, I was like, I don't know what the morals here are. The doctor who had a ride in the middle of a surgery. no what do you mean he had a ride with who I know with who I know it's not no no okay that's okay then that's okay then with the anaesthetist no once it wasn't the patient it wasn't the patient that's yeah it's completely acceptable completely if it wasn't the patient yeah Grant why are we even talking about it why are we letting why are we always giving out about yeah for god's sake he could be in there 24 hours He was nipping down to the hardware store to buy a bit of mop to put in the patient to soak up the blood.

7:19Joanne McNally:So basically he was having, this doctor, the surgeon was having it. He was a married man, of course, but he was having an affair with someone else who worked in the hospital and he left the surgery, mid-surgery. As you do, he's like, I need to go to the bathroom. So like, you know, sticker on pause kind of thing. I'll be back. And then bumped into his mistress in some sort of airing cupboard or a plantometer. And someone walked in and he had his pants down and he was tucking himself inside his mistress. but they were like are you not supposed to be in surgery so of course then it all came out kind of sexy isn't it no anyone else turned on no I wouldn't deny I wouldn't just go to the loo I don't care I'm asleep you know it's not like it wasn't in the room and he was sorry you're saying you'd let somebody leave your operation you'd be like I'd just come back I'm like give me a break yeah I'm wrecked getting dragged around from the insides by you I'd like a little breather as well Go and do what you need to do Release yourself I do feel that men are focused more Well anyway They're kind of saying they don't know what to do with him really Because he hasn't broken any law It's just kind of bad form Public indecency He's been outed anyway So obviously he's mortified Yeah I think that would be embarrassing But I think when men get caught wanking On cameras And it always happens or they're wanking in the wrong face.

8:43I was reading a book and I actually thought it was real because I forgot it was a book about a guy being caught in his office wanking. I just think it's really embarrassing to be caught wanking by anyone for a man. Like anyone. Imagine your wife walked in, Jo. It's just like, it's so shameful.

8:57Joanne McNally:Donna Porter had a book. The Cows, I think. The Cows. Yeah, Cow, Cow. Yeah. The Cows, which was about a woman caught masturbating on a train. So women do it too. Yeah. I think people do it everywhere. I read an article the other day that suggested, especially, I mean, it was about men. They do it everywhere. Men do. In hedges, because like people who work outdoors, just all over the, in other people's houses, at work. I can hold off till I'm in private. I can just, I feel like I can hold off. I can. I don't need to, like, it would be too humiliated. It would be very difficult for me to come back from something like that because I'd be so embarrassed.

9:39Joanne McNally:I think we can, a woman can can hold off Jo I think that's I think that's ultimately the difference So can a man in fairness you're just grim that you just want to get it out everywhere Is it like a scratch Jo? Is it like an itch? What's it like? Is it like when I had rosacea? Is it like when I had eggs around my eyes? Is that what it's like? The way that the article put it suggested that there's just no waiting and there's and why be ashamed? I think you know if you're an itch well that's exactly Exactly. Ah, come on. If you're outside in a field, come on. Just be a bit ashamed. Just fucking wait till he get home.

10:16Yeah, shame's not a bad thing. No, shame's important. And leave the sheep and the horses alone, men. Leave them alone. Sickos. Sickos.

10:27Joanne McNally:Christ. Anyway. Before we go into bestiality, which is, you know, one of my favourite topics. I would like to deep dive bestiality, to be honest with you, because I don't know that much about it. It's strange. It's people shagging animals. That's what I need to know, right? I know what it is, but like, I'd like to understand the science behind their minds. They're just lonely. Why? I don't understand why you would choose to have sex with your dog. Ask them. Get one on Never Live It Down. Get one on this. Joe, I'd like a man who has had sex with a horse on this podcast next week or I quit. Okay?

11:06Absolutely fine.

11:07Joanne McNally:Let's go for Louis Tarrou. Yeah, get one of your mates on, Jo. Oh my God, I'm going to do a whole show about bestiality, I think. Do you think, who could I pitch it? Channel 4 would take it. I reckon Channel 4 would take that. Big time. I'd lose my job on Lorraine. Yeah, you might be doing the carpet at the NTAs, but like, fuck that, who cares? You're shining a light on bestiality, and I think that is, you're doing God's work. I think that's way more important. It's my calling in life, really. It truly is.

11:43This is the first time that you've actually had your hair and makeup done for the pod. Remember we said we were going to do it every time they've actually seen?

11:58So Joanne called over to my house yesterday.

12:00Joanne McNally:And that, that, those poor children, Vogue. Those, thank God I went down. for reference I'm not drinking at the moment so I'm back in family mode so I went down to visit the children to remind them who I am well you did you actually came down to save me because I was like Joanne I've been with them all weekend on my own I've been to three parties I've been to swimming gymnastics please take me out for a walk yeah she needs to be saved I was like I'll knock in for you do you remember old school the way you'd knock in be like you coming out so I knocked in for and brought her out but when I went into the house the second I went in Theodore was in full mode of Joanne I was like if you want something from me Theodore calling me Joanna is not going to get a feel of Mummy won't let me have a snake Joanna will you tell Mummy to let me have a snake and Joanna was like yeah yeah I want to be the sound aunt do you know what I mean I was like yeah what do you need I'll get you a snake what do you want a rattle snake what do you need he was like do you think Auntie Joanne would get me a snake I'm like no she wouldn't because I would give out and he was like well how would she know I was like I've known her a long time I've known her longer than you.

13:06Joanne McNally:Do you know when kids ask you for things, you don't see them that often, you want to be sound. But I also don't want to interfere with parenting and I know that children shouldn't have snakes. But I agree to it anyway, so I won't be down. I won't be going down for a while. She as well. She said hi to Joanne and then she was on this thing called a diddy car and she kind of scooted over to me and she goes, why is Joanne's hair black. And I was like, what? And she's like, why is, and I was like, ask her. She goes, why is your hair black? I said, do you want me to dye my hair blonde again like your mama?

13:43Joanne McNally:And she said, yes. Yes. And then she said it to me again last night. She was like, will Joanne's hair not be black anymore? She doesn't like your hair colour. She hasn't hit her emo phase yet. Well, the second she hits her emo phase, me and her are going to be thick as thieves. She's in her Barbie phase at the moment. She's only like long blonde that's all she wants. Do you know what she did today? She came to Run Club I couldn't believe my eyes. Did she get off her arse? She ran the entire way and at the end of it Stop! Yes and at the end of it one of her friends was like kind of laughing that Shishi was there as well because it is kind of interesting to know that she'd be at Run Club and he was like I don't know if you'll be able to do it Shishi and she beat him.

14:29Joanne McNally:You see you don't know we thought we had a lazy drag baby but maybe we have a fitness sporty baby. Ah, well, no. At the end, she said, I don't want to go to a run club again. I don't blame her. But we'll see. I promised her a pair of running shoes and she might want to go then.

14:47I have a new mantra in life. Do you want to hear it? Okay. I just keep saying it about everything. And I keep saying it to people. Like, Amber was like to me, she went out on Friday and she's like, oh, will I go out on Saturday? And I was like, yeah. You could get hit by a bus. I could get hit by a bus. It's all I say now. I'm like oh I don't want to do that but I could get hit by a bus oh I shouldn't have champagne at a kids party but I could get hit by a bus a bus yeah so that's what I say about everything

15:12Joanne McNally:hopefully you do and then everything you do will have been worth it I hope I'm not manifesting does that mean I'm manifesting in touch wood I don't want to be but I'm just like I'm such a busy bee at the moment I'm being very social and I'm like it's all down to I could be hit by a bus And you could well You genuinely could be hit by a bus That's the truth of the matter And I cycle There's loads of buses where you live There's loads of buses You're always on your phone Excuse me Don't out me Speaking of phones Oh yeah yeah Joanne asked us to tell us Now obviously I don't know how to do things like this So I just type in screen time yeah Mine had social entertainment And then I had business 1 % and I don't know what it's taking business as what's your social Joanne daily average actually I don't think it's that bad nine hours seven minutes

16:13seems a lot

16:14Joanne McNally:I'm single with no kids folk I've nothing else to do I've no purpose sorry nine what 19 minutes is that just the social 9 hours 7 minutes No it's not just social Oh no okay okay okay So average now is entertainment 5 hours 41 social 1 hour 49 That's actually not that bad Social's not that bad I thought you'd be worse with the TikTok to be honest Productivity and finance 25 minutes Yeah but Joanne your business dealings Are on social so That's so true you're my business dealer What are your quals I'm 4.38 average what? oh my god I hate myself why am I on it for 9 hours a day? because you're on tour because you're on tour and you're in a car that's honestly why I'm not just trying to make excuses for you but when I'm filming a TV show and I have loads of hanging around and I'm on train loads it's like fucking 7 hours it's never 9 hours 9 hours Jo I'm not well how many hours in a day?

17:24I'm not well 12 hours If I'm hung over I could be 15 hours Not 15 If I'm hung over I could be 7 hours that day 9 is impressive Wow

17:35Joanne McNally:You win the medal if that helps Wow What are you on WhatsApp? I'm up at 100 Like as in it's maxed out It's kind of spasming here now WhatsApp is at 100 Hours I don't know it just says 100 Gmail 38 Hinge 9 Thread 6 TikTok 6 Hinge 9 Okay no I have to That's because I'm off the drink And I'm trying So I'm like I might as well Try and meet someone I have to be honest with you Most of the time I'm 6 hours This is a good couple of weeks I mean most of the time I'm 6 hours So I will admit that

18:15God I need to get off Let's all get off our phones Let's all try and cut an hour Let's try and cut an hour Let's try and cut Get off your phone And let's try and cut an hour off that. Jesus Christ, I feel bad now. I feel bad. I could get hit by a bus and I'm just on my phone the whole time.

18:30Joanne McNally:But being on your phone is going to up the chances of you getting hit by a bus. Yeah. I don't have time to get hit by a bus. I'm on my phone too much. I literally don't have time to go out and get hit by a bus. Nine. I'm like, no, I'm uploading.

18:47Joanne McNally:Tell me a bit about your week. We never do that anymore. I'd like to know. What about my week? Well, I'm on the drive. now this is this is big news now in fairness especially when it comes around the touring it's very boozy very wet I chose the worst time to go on the drive but I'm so proud of you I woke up one day and I woke up one morning and I was hung over and I lost my phone in the flat is this my rock bottom I don't know it seems quite innocent yeah I lost my I know yeah you'd want me to be like puking in a bin or something yeah This seems actually totally fine I realised it had gone too far When I lost my phone I lost my phone in the flat But it was gone for like a solid 20 minutes Your phone ran away from you Because it was so tired

19:39Joanne McNally:I'm sober folk I have nothing else to do Quick hi She's coming Those fucking hands The buttons are just burnt out They've just melted into the back of the phone Yeah I woke up I'd no that was what happened I burnt my thumb off from scrolling my thumb my fingerprint is gone it's like you can't be identified I lastly found the flat and I was so annoyed at myself because I had brain fog from drinking on the tour the night before and I just got so frustrated with myself and it took me I'd say 20 minutes to find the phone and that weirdly I don't know why that just snapped me I was like I'm sick of this I'm sick of my own shit I'm just sick of it so yeah so I was like right no more booze no worries for a month and then I was like oh giving up booze for October do you want groundbreaking forgetting because I was like I was online being like I want to be accountable I'm off for the month and someone goes so you're doing so in October like everyone else I was like yep yep yep yep yep yep sorry no sorry my birthday we're doing my birthday you said you were only doing it till then yes I'm doing a month and I'm also I'm in the Apollo this weekend and I know for a fact I'll end up having a glass of something after the Apollo for sure but like but I'm not doing it's the Apollo come on it's the Apollo

20:50Joanne McNally:I'm not doing that anymore. I feel like, I genuinely feel like I've turned a corner. I don't know why. I don't know where it's coming from. I really do. And then a friend of mine was like, oh God, are you going to make not drinking for a month being your whole personality? And I was like, yeah. No. Do you know what the really sad part of being on the dry? Firstly, realising how often you tip away when you're on the road. Like, the amount of time you just go, no thanks, no thanks, no thanks. And, I feel I'm sorry now I feel bad on my fellow Lushes to say this I feel unreal I do I feel unreal but I will say I'm not the only smug bitch here no I find it post show I find it like I'm white knuckling it yeah I'm like I have to tell Kylie I was like take the wine out of my dressing room because whenever I go into a dressing room there's a bottle of wine there on ice take it out and like Garel said if you saw me having a drink after the show I would slap it out of my hand and slap my face.

21:50I do think that you've chosen a really difficult time to do it. So I think that you're doing really well because of that, especially because of that. And I think even I would want to have a drink after a show.

22:00Joanne McNally:You know what it's like, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's very hard. But also I have to take responsibility for myself. And, you know, like I'm going to be touring, hopefully for the next 30 years of my life. So there's always going to be an excuse. I needed a really girthy circuit breaker that's what I needed and I'm having a circuit breaker and I feel amazing but I don't know like but yeah anyway I'm not going to make a huge big deal out of it she says having just made a massive deal out of it I don't think you are but I do think there's a lot of people that are just trying to drink a little bit less and it does like I like getting pissed I do like going out and drinking but it really makes me feel terrible it makes me feel terrible about myself for days it doesn't make me feel good even though I like doing it at the time I think just doing it more in moderation like what are they called the ones behind us millennials or what are they called Gen Z Gen X Gen Z yeah they're all at that well I definitely I think living on your own anyone I know who lives on their own would say that they think that they have bad habits around booze not everyone some people don't at all but I think if you live on your own and you're single there is alcohol is it's like a little pal almost it becomes like your mate you're like watch the TV have a glass of wine blah blah blah and so I'm just trying to break those habits yeah you know well we're very happy for you well done you've never looked better thank you I do look good don't I now I have had my hair and my professionally done but yeah that's just no drinking nothing to do with Liv Davey being here for two hours this morning

23:35Joanne McNally:nothing at all oh I saw you I was like oh great I have to record with her later that's my life with you hardly every day with my Pinot Cortezom all face