Austin Butler, Cardi B & Dream Catchers

0:09Joanne McNally:Before we begin, we are down one Joe Atiwell and he's had the audacity, the neck and the gall to go on holidays with his family. Now that he's not here, let's just say it the way it is. He's always on holidays. that man. He's always on holidays. First time he's ever brought away two babies. He's got two babies under, what are they? Both under three. So I don't look, I don't know. I am as yet unfertilized but I'm imagining that's going to be quite stressful. I did tell him it wouldn't be so much a holiday, more of a moving the problem to a warmer place. Yes, kind of hurting as it were. Yeah. Yeah, well also we should test him to see if he listens outside of his mandatory contractual errors.

0:58Joanne McNally:Or else we should just... We don't believe him. And nor should he. Why would he? Like what you always say about, you're always dying to go on your holidays and get away from you and Joe. He wants to get away from me and you and good luck to him. He just doesn't... Yeah, he just doesn't admit it. Sorry, I'm putting on a big jacket. Come here to me. Speaking of holidays, I found myself... I had to check myself. You know the way you're like, they're just jealous. they're just jealous I was the jealous one so someone was showing me pictures of their holidays and in my head I was like another holiday you were judging them you were judging them yeah and I was like you jealous bitch you are just jealous yeah but you've done a holiday you've done the work so you know what it is now do you know what I mean you've done the work on yourself and you realise you're like oh I'm projecting this person has something I want that's an amazing place to be a lot of the time there's a lot of shit in there as well.

1:50Joanne McNally:It'd be very depressing. But I do believe that Instagram can bring out the absolute worst in people. I really do. It does. Do you know what? It really does. But I do, I like it. But I limit myself to half an hour at night. Now, when I say that, that's just my night scrolling. I'm not saying I don't look at my phone for the entire rest of the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's when your batteries run out and your thumb's in bits and it's in a sling from scrolling throughout the day. You give yourself half an hour in the evening and you think you're the Dalai Lama.

2:20Joanne McNally:I did the same. Oh, I meant to say to you, so I've been talking. Sorry, I have to take the jacket off again. Why did you put it on? Why did you just throw on a raincoat there? Because it looks really cool. And then I was like, I'll record in the raincoat. And then I was like, I certainly will not. I'll be dripping by the time I finish. I look like shit today. So I'm really, I'd be really happy if we could pixelate out my face for this. And you can, so you put the raincoat on if you feel it's going to draw attention away from me. but I was going to buy this thing called Brick on the internet which is it blocks all, it's always been sold to me on the gram which is ironic because I'm trying to get off Instagram so I bought this off Instagram and it kind of locks down your apps and stuff and then an Irish company got in touch to say don't get Brick, get Kip which is their thing and obviously we'd like to support, you know, we buy Irish when we can so I'm going to set that up when I, next time I'm back in London because I left it in the flat and then it locks down So is it a phone or was it?

3:14Joanne McNally:it's an app brick thing it's an app I guess it's an app so what are you going to pick up is it not just on your phone then so it locks down my phone so I am no contactable no Instagrams, no Whatsapps, no messages nothing for like say 3 hours a day or whatever it is, whenever I want to kind of escape from the digital world which is constant, I went for lunch with a friend of mine yesterday and she's like phone never fucking stops, I was like I know and then you're on this, it feels like you're on call. Joanna Lumley called it when she was like, it's like being on call. Because it's this culture of instant replying.

3:50Joanne McNally:They have to reply instantly to everything all the time. Especially my mother. If I don't reply within 30 seconds the question, just these passive aggressive question marks. Oh well if I don't ring my mum and stuff, she's like, oh oh nice to hear from you. And I'm like mum, you, like the phone works both ways. But like, I don't know. I found myself at my birthday and this is before the birthday happened. this sounds so bitchy and just mean. Hit me. But like. You know we're on. But anyway, we're on recording. But fine. Hit it. But I was like, oh, I can't wait for the party tomorrow. And then I was like, oh, Sunday, everyone's going to text me saying thanks.

4:23I'm going to have to reply. Listen. And I was like, I'm going to have to thank people for like presents and the donations that they gave because I asked for donations. And I was like, not donations to myself. I was going to say, I was like, wow, you're being very brave today. Yeah. I set up a GoFundMe just in the name of me. no I asked for people to donate to choose love in my name so I don't know who's done it yeah well I feel like I've got enough um but then I was like that was my thought and I think it like I think it around my birthday like you don't know like when people know it's your birthday because then people text you all the time but it's the same at Christmas it's like just fuck off and enjoy your Christmas day stuff text me I have to say and it is it's a terrible way

5:04Joanne McNally:but like there is I've always said it there's a lot of admin for birthdays where there's a lot I I know. And I'm a bit of a phone dodger at the best of times. So I remember one Christmas, one of my male straight friends. So kind of. Who? Exactly. I need a name. I don't believe that exists. I have two of them. Two and a half. One of them I think. Are you sure? Text me at Christmas Day. Happy Christmas. Full stop. I was like, dude. Where is the feeling? Now I have to text you back. And because I'm a woman, I'm going to add 28 exclamation points and ask about your family. Santa was good to you. And now I've had to open the conversation.

5:43Joanne McNally:You've sent me a sociopathic, psychopathic text. Happy Christmas, full stop. Not even a Christmas tree emoji. But at least we're not in the era of having to send Christmas cards. I'd love that. Joanne, Joanne, stop pretending to be someone you're not. You getting your assistant to send Christmas cards is not the same thing. I didn't even think of that, but that's a great idea. I'll get on to Lauren Statt. Lauren, I'm sorry. I apologise I'll just send out those did I tell you about all the photos so one I'd say maybe three people old school people have come in via certain channels and asked for a signed photograph right and it's so old school so I was like that's a great idea yeah so we had photos of me printed off hundreds of them they're like postcard sized photographs of me right?

6:38Joanne McNally:They're like headshots. It looks like I'm showing them my ass crack. That's what it looks like to me. It's just a bit weird and a bit inappropriate. If I'm doing radio or something like that, sometimes there'll be people outside and they'll have all these pictures printed off of me and they want me to sign them. They could have like five or six and I'm like, where are these going? And I'm like, will I sign it to you? And they're like, no. And I'm like, well where is it going? Who? And like, I'm not saying that I'm the shittest of all the shit people but like, who in their right mind wants to have a signed photograph for me, like in fairness.

7:08Loads of people, what are you talking about? You're royal adjacent.

7:11Joanne McNally:I had the same, I didn't know that was a thing until I think after I did Taskmaster maybe and then the lads turn up with the glossy printed off photos and you sign them and stuff. Oh, I didn't realise, are they selling them for like two shillings? Because you can't I can't imagine they're generating a profit but they're doing something with them. Oh, there's no. These lads are, but by the time they print off the glossies, if they're selling me and you, they're running at a loss. Let's be real. Who in God's name? They're doing it for the love of it.

7:52Okay, I have a new fascination. Hit me. It's kind of full on. You know the way when I fancy somebody, I go in hard. Oh, it's a person.

8:01Joanne McNally:It's a human fascination. Okay. Is it male? Male Can I take three guesses? Three guesses, male I'll tell you three things about him And you can, like, guess who Blonde hair Unusual for me Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah Tall Yeah, okay Oh, my God I was going to say Peter Crouch Until you threw the Americana in the end there Not Peter, no Not old Pedro Couch, yeah Peter Crouch he told me at Glastonbury he was like I was like God it was actually I never thought about this because loads of people stop him and I'm like he's like it's not like I can hide because he's so tall Oh my god yeah he's so tall Yeah he can't hide from anyone Yeah Okay anyway who is it?

8:51Joanne McNally:Tall men are the worst by the way I talk about them on my new stand up show they are so spoiled by women wanting to climb them like a tree they are and I wouldn't trust them as far as I could throw them and you can't throw them anywhere because they're so bloody tall. I'm not saying anything about Peter Crouch. I know nothing about you. Tall men could just have the face of a pig and you'd still be climbing up there. It's the height, I'm telling you. We're just wired for this huge... We're like, oh, look at the top. We're just... Do you know what? We're just... Our primal cave hon in us is like, huge babies.

9:20Joanne McNally:That's all you're thinking. Okay, so I'm back. Is it one of the Backstreet Boys? No, Joanne. Like, no. Have you... Sorry, they're back in the sphere in LA. They're having a moment. I know they're back in the sphere, but like, who are you going for out of them? Go Google them. I think AJ is a bit of, bit of all right. I don't know. Didn't he go a bit odd? I could have made that up though. He's aged. He's aged. Well, everyone goes odd. Look at us.

9:48Okay. His ex-girlfriend is so hot that you wouldn't be able to go out with him because you'd feel very uncomfortable about yourself. You'd feel too ugly to go out with him. Like, I really fancy him, but you couldn't go out with him. Yeah.

10:00Joanne McNally:I feel like that about most men because most men are going out with women way more attractive than them. So even if he's a two out of ten, the chance there is X is a nine out of ten. And I'm coming in at a hard four in the mornings. And then I'm a six by the evening. I'd say you're more of an eight. You're an eight girl. Okay, I don't know. Austin Butler. Oh God. I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I shouldn't have moved off Timothatian a little bit I shouldn't have said I shouldn't have said oh god like that do you know what he is stunningly beautiful stunning but I don't there's one thing that's very much missing from him I would say and we're allowed to kind of tease man of his personality yeah thank you yeah I'm not looking for his personality do you know I'm happily married yeah it would be a fling okay yeah there is there's a and yeah he's absolutely stunningly beautiful stunning did you see Zoe Kravitz was pictured with him but not only was Zoe Kravitz everyone thought that Zoe Kravitz was going out with him and then Zoe Kravitz that girl is cleaning up I mean she is on fuego herself she's on fuego she's got Harry Styles on the go now she's Harry Styles on the go Harry Styles she's living the dream life she wasn't going out with Austin Butler they were just doing a film together it's the same with the Pamela and the Liam Neeson thing it's a load of womp it's not true it's a PR stunt baby they're lying I have to say I was a bit disappointed now in Pammy not so much in Liam because I just don't I don't really mind what he gets up to but Pammy I have a lot of like I put a lot into her I think about her more than I should and she let me down I agree with you because Pamela is very much selling authenticity of late with all the makeup free stuff and then she sells as a bogus PR relationship but that's what they do to sell the films but I will say this and I will say no more.

12:00Joanne McNally:As an ex-publicist myself, which I like to start all my sentences with, even if it's got nothing to do with publicity. It's like me. My mom used to be an air hostess. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to work here. As an ex, I'd be like, as an ex-publicist, I don't eat bacon. I'd be like, what's the relevance? What's the relevance? Just like throwing it out there. As an ex-publicist, it was very clear to me that Liam Neeson had zero interest. He looked nothing but insanely uncomfortable. Every single time she tried to lay on the fake romance and the cuteness and she was trying to suggest she was like anything he asks me to do I do he looked awkward as fuck well can I tell you one thing the film absolutely flew and I think what film they had a film out I don't even know the name of the film so obviously I was too I was too distracted by how uncomfortable Liam Neeson looked by getting flirted with Naked Gun they did Naked Gun a remake of Naked Gun and it absolutely killed it and Steve Martin was it Steve Martin who did the first one?

12:59No, that other fellow who kind of looks like Steve White but I don't remember his name. Grey lad, yeah. It was grey his whole life for some reason. Anyway, he, it sort of flopped because the first one did so well and it did amazingly well. So I believe that you and I should seriously consider embarking upon a romance.

13:15Joanne McNally:Sorry, speaking of grey, I just want to throw this in there. So I'm starting to, I have a little patch of grey that's, it's here obviously and it's here to stay and I've been googling grey hair just out of interest. You know the way I'm on my hair journey? so you don't when you grow your hair so remember I had some hair loss and now I've been like regaining it up to the max and it's coming back after 35 your hair you can't regrow your coloured hair so your pigment is gone so because of my hair journey and my regrowth no yeah the stuff that's coming back is grey anyway I was googling it and it says that UV can also encourage greyness so I'm after investing in a load of bowler hats Bowler hats So you don't get your hair in the sun Hats is my new feeling I'll tell you what I know that you don't want to be grey But I'm just saying Like hair extensions and everything Are now being made in grey Because grey is I don't want to be grey either I have to say I don't want to be grey I'm not doing this to my face To then be grey It's a commitment And when you're ready You're ready And I hung out with a woman At Glastonbury Who had the coolest grey hair But she was just really fucking cool And she was like you know Covered in tops And she was just deadly And so she really rocked it But the grey was so smooth So you know her hair was in amazing condition.

14:28Joanne McNally:She might have been a hairdresser actually because her hair was so good. But that's a look and she's wearing it and she's serving and she's leaning in and it looks really cool. Mine's, look, one day I might just rock a grey kind of patch like a raccoon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm just not. Grey slag strips. I'm not ready yet. I'm just not ready yet. I will be one day. One day I'll be like, ah yeah, let's go. But I'm just not ready yet. It's a journey. But anyway. It's not for everyone. It's not for everyone. and I think we've been very lucky to not go grey up to this point I have friends who went grey in their 20s Sure Neil was bald when he was like 25, Neil's actually aged backwards, he's like Benjamin Button he just looked really old when he was like 22, he was completely bald and now he's just been the same Stagnant So what you're suggesting is we embark on a PR relationship stunt I know that you aren't, I've decided I will take the hit, I will be daddy because I'm bigger.

15:28Great. I will be the bigger spoon and I'll make sure that I walk on like the outside of the pavement like I'll be the gentleman.

15:34Joanne McNally:Well I'm obviously in the market for a celebrity romance seeing as my member I was telling you I was dreaming I was going down at Gemma Collins. Did I I had terrible dreams about people last night and I have to ring them today because I had dreams last night about people dying. It's the melatonin. Are you on the melatonin? No I've been taking I'm only on magnesium I'm not taking anything. But with the last and I know dreams are so boring for other people to listen to and frankly the listeners are very lucky we haven't started a Jumana folks dream section because obviously there's a touch of narcissism in anyone who goes on about their own dreams but last night, so I woke up this morning and I dreamt that you cut your hair into like a fryer tuck You wish bitch and I was like folks please put your extensions back in and put your extensions back in.

16:28Sound like cheesy. Please mama.

16:30Joanne McNally:Please mama. Make your hair nice again. But yeah, it was really thin and it was like really wispy. It was like, have you seen Miley Cyrus's new fringe? She gets away with that though. But that was all around your head. So that like thinning, like kind of very thin style of like a couple of bits at the front was all the way around. And I was like, and it was all gray and weird. Yeah, I don't know. but I know it's the melatonin I'm having mental dreams at the moment but I'm not willing to give them up because I'm kind of invested now well it's good to have melatonin in your body but I remember when I took them I did have crazy dreams and I just didn't like it and last night I had such weird dreams I have to ring my friend Reds as well I had mad dreams about him you don't have to you know you can keep some things you can you know you don't I'm not contacting Gemma Collins I'm worried about them I'm worried about them there's two people I'm now worried about I'm like are you alright someone told me they're like did you tell Gemma Collins you had a dream you were going down and I said it's not really so I don't know Gemma sorry sorry well I said canoodling but I didn't go into the deets yeah had a dream what the hell did you go to bed you didn't tell us you went down on Gemma Collins in a dream no I said we were canoodling in Dublin City and that I was I was very nervous about getting papped before we were ready to announce the relationship but I was actually going down there lucky Gemma I think that's nice to hear I'd like to hear that about someone I wasn't physically it was just that in my dream I knew I just had do you know what I mean I knew it was we were like post post go and down kind of vibes I just knew I had oh god I know yeah but anyway I think it's a sign that you respect the person that's what I read somewhere did she hear I was like get me a dream catcher now I can't I can't be I can't be sexually involved with any more celebrities in my sleep What does it mean when someone dies in a dream then?

18:20That they're not going to die, that it's a long life?

18:22Joanne McNally:It means you're going to die, Vogue I was thinking about that yesterday I was like, I go on about that so much it's going to happen And I'm really invested in doing my will and stuff like that I'm like, I just feel like I'm really getting ready or something Come here to me, there's a new something you might be interested in What? You can pay 50 I know what you're going to say, in ASDA no are you talking about oh you can get a will in Asda for 50 quid someone told me that yesterday that is not what I meant at all I was like wow I didn't expect her to have seen that no there was an article in the Irish Times hold on I'm a fighter the Irish people paying to cryo preserve their bodies for life after death apparently they can pay 50 euro a month who's doing that now?

19:17Joanne McNally:Let me see if I can actually see it. Well, here's my thing. I don't want to be here on my own. I'd have to have everyone with me. I'm trying to convince myself when I close my eyes I'll open them 500 years from now so there's young people who are like terrified of death like yourself. This young lad. I don't want to pay for the article. I am. I'm not as scared as I used to be of death. I just, and I'd rather not be here when I have no friends. I'm not great at making new friends. I don't love making new friends. Will you be friends with your cryopreserve buddies? So last year, this man became one of a handful of people in Ireland to sign up to be cryopreserved by Tomorrow Bio, according to the Berlin-based company, which already has cryopreserved more than 20 bodies alongside 10 pets.

20:01I'm sorry, where are we getting the space for this? We don't even have the space to bury people anymore. In 20 years' time, you won't be buying grave plots.

20:08Joanne McNally:No, sure. There's someone in Berlin taking 50 quid a month off these people and then throwing their corpses into a huge big freezer in Berlin. There are no more going to be defrosted. And if they are, can you imagine the state of them? They'll be in bits. You'll be all wrinkled and gross. I'm like, I don't want to get frozen at 90. No thanks. You have no mates, no job, no money. You're fucked. Yeah, you're dead. Everyone's going to clear out your bank accounts when you're gone. Forget about it. You won't even have, you literally won't have a pot to piss in. You'll wake up in a wasteland of the world where it'll have been taken over by turtles or something, although they're not aggressive enough.

20:46Joanne McNally:I know, yeah. My God. Don't do it. No, I'm actually not going to do it. I think I've really turned a corner. It's what every flight I do, I get less and less frightened of death because I come to terms with it every time I'm in the air. So I'm like, it's grand. Yeah. It's grand. Yeah. It's really quick. It's going to happen, you know. Did you see that story of... It's inevitable. No one's getting out of this alive. Isn't that what they say? That is what they say. those two certainties in life, taxes and death. Look at us. Whipping out the mantras. So grown up. So grown up.

21:22Does she breastfeed kids? Yeah, I remember she was over on a charity mission somewhere and she breastfed someone's child.

21:30Joanne McNally:No, but they probably wanted her to. She's hardly just going around randomly breastfeeding kids who haven't been asked to be fed.

21:41Vogue, any other news for me? Wow, so uplifting today, Joanne. Thank you. Did you see that? Now, I don't actually watch the tennis. Well, we did watch it a bit at Wimbledon. But did you see? It's been a bad year for CEOs. Did you see that CEO at a tennis match? So basically, there was this man at a tennis match and he was standing beside these two kids. And as the tennis player comes over, he signs little bits and bobs and he hands them back to them. And the tennis player handed who he thought was the child in front of him the hat. Yeah. This older man in his 40s snatched the hat and the kid was trying to get the hat back.

22:22And your man just gave it to his partner and she stuffed it in her bag. And they basically stole the hat off this kid and it was all caught on camera. So it came out, it was all on camera and it kind of went viral of him nicking the hat. Not his best moment. Not his, I mean, he's come out with a statement now. And the statement was like, was like basically, oh, I was taking the hat from my kids. Of course, I wouldn't want to take something from a child. It's like, dude, you fully snatched it from that kid. That is. And first of all, what are you really going to do with the hat? I never, I don't really understand that.

22:56Although one time in Aberdeen when I was living there, I went to see a DJ called Felix the Housecat. Not my finest moment. And I was up the front. It was really sweaty. So Felix had a sweat towel for the whole gig. And then he gave it to me at the end. I know. And I took it home.

23:12Joanne McNally:Yeah, you told us this before. You're a scummer. I would have taken it too. Come on, Sydney Sweeney's selling their bath water. Like, there's a market for people's bodily fluids once they hit a certain level of fame. I know, but a hat. A hat. I'm nicking it off a kid anyway. Well, I think this lad, a couple of things. Having to release a statement is insane. Like, come on, who cares? Do you know what happened to his company, though? people were putting all these terrible reviews on his company went from 5 star to 1.5 star people are just like the internet's wild oh who are these pure italical fascists like come on but also this also just goes to show while I think it's ridiculous that this man is having to release a statement like the world's gone a bit insane also this is tennis people okay this is ego money and champagne that would never happen at a darts match yeah you know what I mean you gotta go to more sound sporting events that kid would have just punched him and that would have been it

24:16give me that boof yeah I mean it's more I mean we probably yeah well it was a very polite child

24:22Joanne McNally:should be careful if we don't we're not saying what am I trying to say we're not saying to punch him but I would had that been me in that child's place I probably at that age would not have been as kind rich CEO men we're expecting kindness and compassion of men who are probably sociopaths. You know, let's face it. Did we not learn from Jumbotron men? These are not honest people. These are CEOs. These are rich, spoiled people coming up on their champagne thinking they rilled the world. You got to go to sound or sporting events if you're still expecting better behaviour. Did you see? Yeah, Darts.