MTGM EXTRA! "I can't!"

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0:32This is a Global Player original podcast.

0:40Sorry, Joe's just opened with a yawn there. He looks like he's been dragged through a ditch backwards because he's only gone and gone to Oasis.

0:50Joanne McNally:I thought it was because you're 12 kids under the age of three months. I totally forgot you went to Oasis. How much do we have to look forward to? Is it just the best gig in the world? it is I mean I don't know if you have I've not read a bad review and yeah I couldn't give it a bad review do you think do you think I'm sitting there reading reviews about Oasis when I'm going anyway who would possibly who would possibly give Oasis a bad review except for Lily Allen or Nicole Appleton or any of them that wrote why Lily Allen Lily Allen wouldn't I don't think Lily Allen would even give a bad review because that was only like a taste I think did you read her book I did I thought they just had sex on a plane.

1:29Joanne McNally:They did, but I just got the impression that she's like, you're a dick. Yeah, because then she got, he denied it and then he got his girlfriend at the time to ring Lily and she had to deny it. I just felt the tone of the book was she was like, you're an asshole. You're a hindrance. You're a loser. That's my take on it. I don't know. I could be wrong. But what I mean is, I haven't read any bad reviews. Everyone says it's amazing. My friend Lloyd has gone like four times. How he got the tickets, I don't know. and I need to put my hands up now and say even though I know I'm going to get absolutely rinsed for this I have managed to wangle myself tickets for the Dublin gig in my defence what's wrong with you getting tickets?

2:12Joanne McNally:you paid for them I paid for them but a lot of people are like fuck you you didn't queue you know you didn't go through the usual hoops and you know what you're dead right what I would also say in my defence is I work with promoters the shows that I put on the shows that we put on are with promoters. So we work together. Do you know what I mean? It's not like, oh, you're kind of dangling some celebrity calling card like you're going to someone's head. It's not like that. Sometimes you get DMs about how you're like begging for free tickets and you're like, well, actually, I work with these people.

2:46Joanne McNally:We work together. Do you know what I have to say? They promote my tour and we work together. So yeah, sometimes, yeah, you do ask for favours. and the book read to me like and I I recommend I like that book I recommend it highly I was in the throes of a a breakup when I pitched that book up I'll never forget it I'll never forget it I was on the mega bus coming back from Cardiff to London sure I was crying on the streets of Cardiff like holding on to bins for support like I was in a really really bad way I know it's so horrible even thinking about it now I'm like ugh it's horrible and Lily's book was in the window of a shop and I went in bought it and I read it on the Megabus and genuinely by the time I pulled into London I was like I don't I realised I'm not going to feel like this for the rest of my life.

3:38Joanne McNally:There was something healing about it. There was just something healing about the book. I don't know what it was. It was her honesty, vulnerability. It was like the understanding. She's violently honest. Violently honest. And you're like we've all, everyone goes through the same shit. This is nothing new. Everyone goes through it everyone gets through it but she did hang out whichever gal or her brother she rode but she did it for a reason well it was time to get her own back then she's getting her own because that's not fair of him to have done that exactly I don't remember that part of it I think she felt I think she felt like he hung her so she was like in the words of Liliana fuck you oh I saw something today on the beach and I said to myself I'm gonna now have to find one of them and buy it for Joanne was it a hamburger phone no but I know that you'd like one too maybe when you get your if you get a house I will buy you a hamburger phone.

4:24Okay, what was it? It was a woman sitting on the beach and she had a baby umbrella over her phone that attached to the back of her phone so that she could read her messages while she sat in the sun.

4:35Joanne McNally:Oh yeah, I would also love that. I mean, I know you can get those screen things but I just thought the screen thing isn't for Joanne. That's too high tech. It's the umbrella for Joanne that I have to get. Something nice, a nice fash prop. I was down at Easton's with my mother the other day. I'm in Dublin at the moment and I went in and they had all these like easels and kind of oil paintings and art on the wall. And I actually said to my mother, because I'm very self-aware, I said, I think it's almost time that I spend a stupid amount of money on a load of arts and crafts and easels and paintbrush things that I'll never use.

5:11Oh, no, I think you'll have an art room in your new house.

5:13Joanne McNally:With the false hope that I'm going to get into art. And she's like, I can't listen to this. I went for lunch with my mum, my aunt the other day. My aunt is actually She's a very talented Sewist Showing lady What is it? Hemist Seamstress Seamstress Good mantra She's a very talented seamstress And I had obviously Said recently I was going to like Buy a sewing I forgot Remember she was going Into the sewing Yes I forgot about that Jeez you do You're like my kids Are you sure you don't Want a LeBouBou doll I don't That's coming That's coming Do you know what else I'm going to buy you For your new house Do you remember you used to be able to buy those blow-up couches for your room.

5:52Gonna get you a blow-up couch.

5:53Joanne McNally:I'd love one of them. And a lava lamp. Yes. Lava lamp. Lava lamp. I'm gonna, yeah, I'm gonna get you lights for above your bed. Love it. Like little fairy lights, yeah. Gonna get you all the bits that you need and a fluffy cushion. I'd love that. And a goldfish. I did buy myself three fake Ralph Rennes' house on the beach today because they're gorgeous. Good for you. I was like, I'll bring them home. No one will know. everyone will know here because they're on sale on the beach here but no no no I get my buzz when you're buying knock offs is the buzz of someone thinking it's real and then he's straight away going it's a knock off that's it's like the reveal like that's my buzz I get such a kick out of their reaction when I tell them it's a knock off now maybe they're just being kind and they always knew it was a knock off but that's what I do when people are like your hair is lovely I'm like extensions extensions yeah exactly gotcha it's the thank you It's a thank you pennies philosophy when someone says your dress is so nice and you want to let them know that it costs you two shillings in pennies.

6:55Last thing about Oasis now. What time do they come on and more importantly what time do they finish? Because even if it's Oasis I'll be leaving five minutes early. Only five. They are your dream. They publish their set times before they go on. I've been listening to their whole set so I know all the words. I have to remember all the words but it turns out I already know them.

7:14Joanne McNally:Such a good point. So I recently got into the Fontaines. like literally two weekends ago so I've been really studying them and a friend of mine was like come to their gig I'm going to their gig I'm going to their gig in Manchester soon but I was like I'm going to have to learn some words I'm sorry otherwise you look like a blow-in and I am a blow-in so I can't let anyone know I'm a blow-in do you know what I mean you gotta you gotta do the time don't you Jo you gotta do the study you gotta do the prep yeah you do you do it's like what I had to do for Aslan every Christmas with the girls from secondary school.

7:49I had to learn the words. I couldn't go. Yeah. Did I want to learn the words? No.

7:53Joanne McNally:It wasn't the music I was into but I had to. That's why I'm never going to go to kneecap again because I don't have time to learn Gwailga. I mean they're asking a lot now because you have to learn a different language and you have to learn the song you know what I mean? I don't have time to learn my national language on the Duolingo so I can't go to kneecap anymore because of the shame. Guys all I'm saying is you've got to get back to the country now in Ireland you're going to pick it up again because over here I'm like kind of them. Can I have a Magnum Blanco y Calipo Fresa? Por favor. Like, I've turned Spanish.

8:21Joanne McNally:Oh, my God. That is beautiful. You're like Selena Gomez. That is so impressive. Buenos dias. Buenos dias. Wow. Buenos noches. Mi amigo. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You're like one of those women who wakes up with a brain injury and speaks a completely fluent language. Say moi. Say to us.

8:48Girls, this has to be an on. And I'm too fucking embarrassed to write a long message. Okay.

8:54Joanne McNally:Always an on. Always an on. I had a one night stand with a guy last week and I had to tell you what he shouted as he came. Picture the moment. Picture the moment. The build and the release and he shouts, I can't! What the fuck? what does that even mean? Vogue, I'm sorry. I was really hoping you were going to draw that out and let me and Joe guess, but you really just ran to the end there. When someone's about to come, do you think that they're going to hang away and wait for you idiots to guess it? I had to tell the story as it was written. He came really quick. I would have liked a bit of tension, is all I'm saying.

9:36Joanne McNally:I would have liked that me and Joe, we could have suggested, we could have asked questions. You're knocking on the wrong door. Like cum charades. you didn't ask for a game of cumbershoids if you want to have a game of cumbershoids I will play it with you on the main I just think you rushed that but anyway go on he shouted what? guess go on no you have to guess oh thank you okay so I would think he's going to shout something offensive it's something kind of like you filthy whore or please no mommy because that's not sexy. Or just mama. Yeah. Or leave me alone, Father Brandon, something like that.

10:22Joanne McNally:He's like, oh, I think it's coming out of the wrong hell. Like there could have been loads of things. I was A1, Shack, A1. There you go, Val. Thank you for contributing to the cum charades. Wrong answers only. Yeah, wrong answers only. Although, I can't. I am starting to get It would have been a wrong answer. Yeah, it would have been a wrong answer. Joanne gets me to get involved in these games and then I just think the worst things. I'm not saying anymore. Sorry, my mother's just come in and asked me to close the back door because she says the neighbours are in the garden.

10:56Ask past if she wants to play Cumbas Charades. She's actually, sorry, she's a parent. She's eyeballing.

11:00Joanne McNally:That's what I do.

11:04She got in trouble.

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11:47does she want to play? is that what's wrong? ask her do you want that's rude now I feel bad if she's not getting involved in Comet Charades I know she loves that game

11:54Joanne McNally:maybe she's saying would you not get the neighbours in to be law players she literally does it's a fantastic Christmas game it really is get the family together get them around it's a really great game to play with the kids you know Pat's middle name is keep it down always just Judy keep it down keep it down Joan keep it down anyway your man couldn't keep it down could he what

12:20so okay we need to get some advice on this I think it could be much worse than I can't because you know when you're like oh my god I can't I can't I can't I can't even when you want to do something so like if I if I like let's say I was gonna if I was gonna do a bungee jump I'd be like oh no I can't I can't I can't I can't but I really want to do the bungee jump and I'd be like, oh no! And then I do it and I'm delighted but I would have shouted, I can't! And then I would have gone and loved it.

12:43Joanne McNally:Exactly. That's actually a really good analogy and also there's something sexy in doing something you're not supposed to be doing. Very taboo. That's why I get erased by like cleaning and stuff. I'm like, no. Folding clothes. I'm like, shut up, shut up, no. But also maybe he's saying... I wish I hadn't given her the packing cubes in real life because I felt very uncomfortable. I need you to know I haven't come since.

13:16Joanne McNally:because it's just so not taboo do you know what I mean I'm just like oh yeah I got your filofax for Christmas shit yeah and a folder like yeah fine all the cutleries in the right direction now I'm dead inside but maybe you're saying do you have a collection of Dyson's in her wank wank I don't because they're they're not taboo it's just Henry and Henrietta going at each other maybe he's saying I can't cope with feeling this good, maybe he just didn't finish the sentence I can't believe I got to ride you maybe he was just so overcome with pleasure that he forgot to finish the sentence I can't believe that I was able to get it up again I can't Maybe you...

14:05Joanne McNally:Yeah. I can't believe you let me inside you. You're so glorious. And this is such an honour and a privilege. Maybe that's what he meant, Jo. I can't believe what a gorgeous vagina this is. There's so many, you know? I have to say, I am, like, I haven't seen an I can't category on Pornhub. Have you? You're more... You're more regular. I have been through... Yeah. I've been on Pornhub. Can I just say? I haven't been on Pornhub in a while. I'm not going to congratulate you because I don't think that's a good thing because that means you're perimenopausal.

14:39Joanne McNally:Don't celebrate your lack of gaminess because We're having on a minute alone actually is the problem. That's never stopped you before. I'm sorry but I wouldn't like to get caught doing that. Mummy's just scrambling something within herself. Don't worry about it. Stop looking. Why is mummy so upset? She's not upset. She's actually really happy. That's happy noises. you know the way I absolutely well you probably don't know because but I'm telling you now I love the Jat 2 holiday things like every single one is so so funny and they just get better and better and more perverse and strange and dark and I just love them so much but one of my mates sent me one and I couldn't figure out what was happening and there was a girl it was like a music festival and she was in the crowd and she was like being embraced by this man and her face looked I didn't know if he was stabbing her I didn't know what was going on I was like what's happening and she's like look properly and then he was basically fingering her I have to whisper now because my mother and the neighbours and etc.

15:36Joanne McNally:But he was like fingering her like quite frantically and she was obviously in the middle of the night. And broad daylight. It had strong latitude vibes. And yeah, we were, yeah. It wasn't my favourite yet to holiday. I'll be honest. Do you know where my mind goes with that? And this was lots of people because I'm pushing forward. I'd be like God I wonder who he touched with that hand after without even watching it I would never isn't that terrible I'd never think of that like someone was saying first thing that came to my mind someone was saying to me earlier that apparently STIs are like on the rise in nursing homes because they're all shagging each other and I was like well yeah because you can't get pregnant I wouldn't give a fuck I'd never think of my sexual health not once not once I never have don't even know if I have any did you see that story about this 38 year old woman who moved into a retirement.

16:29You can't eat the crisp. There's no way of you doing that. You can't have the Keenwald crisp trying to put half of it in her mouth.

16:35Joanne McNally:I just thought Vogue, you know, she likes chatting. I thought maybe I'd get away with it. Go on. Not when you're eating it in front of the mic. You've got the mute button on the top. You can mute away. I'll mute it. Yeah, this 38-year-old woman in Australia moved into a retirement village because it's much cheaper to live there and she said that she has found a new sense of happiness and that she's not worried about being in her 70s or 80s because she's getting to go do all these things with people. $500 a month she pays instead of like almost $3 ,000 in Melbourne. Yeah, I mean. Sorry, hold on a second because me and my mother have an ongoing discussion about like nursing homes and will she go in?

17:18Joanne McNally:Does she want to go in? Blah, blah, blah. But they're so expensive. If I knew they were only$500 I wouldn't have even fought her on it. I'd be like, you're going. Are you sure? I got you a one way That's in Australia I think they're really expensive over here Yeah I'm like You'll fly economy You'll make your way over I don't know what she thinks she's in I said a retirement village She's not in a nursing home Oh sorry Yeah so she's not getting like Round the clock care Or anything like that Got it okay Because I was like I think she's just in a hostel With some nice artwork And thinks she's somewhere else God I wouldn't I wouldn't get away With sending my parents To a retirement home Not a chance Well no no no no but like they only go if no one can look after them but I said to Pat look I said yeah we'll do our best but the second you start coughing you're in

18:06Joanne McNally:if you forget where your car keys are once you're off you're gone that's fair enough though that would be fair enough you're a hindrance now good luck yeah drop kicking her in there there's a great one in Hope's lovely views there you go there you go Okay, that's it. Everyone, thank you so much for listening. Sorry, Joanne really wants to go and have her quinoa crisps. We've had a lovely time. She's on tour. I am on tour. I'll be there too. While I'll be in the back drinking all her booze. I know she's got a good rider. How dare you? Oh, sorry, rider. Yes, I do. Joanne will be like, where's my bottle of champagne I'd like to have after the show?

18:48I'm like, oh, I don't know.