MTGM EXTRA! "Weaponised incompetence."

0:02This is a Global Player original podcast.

0:10Joanne McNally:Hello, welcome to the bonus episode of My Therapist Ghosted Me with myself, Joanne McNally, and my co-host and mother extraordinaire, Vogue Williams. Just to give this, to explain why I'm telling this story, Vogue forgot about the podcast today. she's well you're only 13 minutes late which you know whatever what's 13 minutes between friends anyway but you said you remembered the pod but then you went and did something got distracted and forgot about the pod and I was just literally having a little scroll scroll waiting for you and I came across a video of a guy on his phone looking at something and the caption was how easy he gets distracted and then he turns to show his friends and they're all dead in a car crash and he was supposed to be in the ambulance and he just forgot and started googling something very funny that's you that's you I was I was I'm clearing out three children's wardrobes at the moment doing a fantastic job thanks for asking but it is like full on Vogue you're frozen oh well oh thank god that's the way I like to be you look great yeah exactly it's taken 10 years off you you're like a child over there in the frozen pose I went I was there I was with Otto's school friends because we did a playground thing today.

1:30And one of the girls was like, you look really different. And I was like, yeah, I've had Botox. And then I was like, oh my God, that was saying so... Because her face kind of was like, oh. And I was like, oh, maybe it's not... I know I tell you all the time, but it's probably unusual to other people.

1:46Joanne McNally:No, because you're in your honest era. So you're just telling everyone everything. I love it. So yeah, if anyone says anything. And also it's that very Irish thing of when someone gives you a compliment, you have to send it back by talking about what a piece of shit you are. Although, I have to say, I'm actually quite good at taking compliments now. Now I just go, thank you, thank you. Or if someone goes, I like your top, I go, it's nice, isn't it? Because I realised I didn't make, yeah, because I didn't make the top. So like, you know, someone goes, oh, that's a nice dress. You can't go, oh God, it's a piece of shit, blah, blah, blah.

2:17Joanne McNally:Someone else made it, you just bought it because you also like it. So it's okay to say, thank you, yeah, it's nice, isn't it? Or someone goes, I got my hair done the other day, the hair looks nice I said thank you it's nice isn't it because I didn't do the hair so I I'm not taking credit for the invention of the dress or the hair I'm just wearing what someone else has made so I'm like yeah I like it too thanks that's why I bought it I know I'm not quite at that phase yet but I understand what you're saying but like if someone's like oh you look pretty well I'm like I've so much hair and makeup on sorry yeah so much no if anyone gives me compliments on my physical appearance obviously then I will backtrack and talk about what a ditch pig I am, of course.

2:55You should have gone to Specsavers. I promise I don't look that nice.

2:59Joanne McNally:You've obviously got, you're obviously blind. Yeah. Now tell me, first night of the tour in Glasgow. Yes, we're up and running, baby. First big room. So excited. First of the biggies. It was great. Glasgow. Do you know that Glasgow is the third biggest selling city on this tour after London and Dublin? Isn't that mental? Scottish people, I'm telling you. We're kindred spirits. It's the Scots. We're just fucking sad. But anyway, so it was great. Now the show, I'm still, I will tinker that show. I will be tinkering that show until it's finished. Tonight I'm already looking at moving things around and doing the top at the end and the end at the top.

3:34Joanne McNally:Sure, when I see it, it's going to be a different show because when I went at the start of the tour and went to the end of the tour the last time, I was like, do you want, like that wasn't the same thing. Yeah, the show has to grow and evolve and like I still, yeah, I'm still trying to figure out, I want this like huge ending which I'm still trying to figure out. But yeah, but it was a good show like they're I'm telling you I had a ball Why don't you pop out of a cake for the end How would I get in I'd have to they'd have to they'd see me go into the cake Be a bit awkward Be a bit awkward Give me 10 girls just talk amongst yourselves as I as I pour myself into a cardboard cake and then pop out like a surprise they're like we saw you go in you mavitch we literally just sat here and watched you climb into the cake but yeah I'd have to shoot myself out of a cannon now of course I am trying to keep casts down.

4:25Joanne McNally:Just pull a chicken out of a hat or something. You're right. You're right. T got a magic set for his birthday and it seems pretty goddamn easy to me. Oh my God. Why am I focused on the material? I should just do a magic trick at the end. Do a magic trick. Do you know what you get yourself? You remember those joke boxes where you got like the joke chewing gum and you used to pull out the chewing gum and it used to snap you on the finger? I actually do, yeah. Yeah, or else get some snaps and just start throwing snaps on the stage. Yeah, just start, or like a Gigi at a tap dance or something. How was she about late nights?

4:59She's actually, no, she's not great. T will stay up with you though.

5:02Joanne McNally:Yeah. He'll just come out and do a little TED talk on dinosaurs just to wrap the whole thing up. Or he could do the magic for you. Perfect. But it was good, was it? Yeah, no, it was great crack. I just have to say, I'm delighted to be back. I've missed it. I've missed it. Yeah. It feels like you never, you didn't go away for that long, but maybe it's because you've been doing all your pre-show shows. It feels like you've just been always doing it. Floating around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, these things take... To write a good show, I think it's a two-year process. To write a really good show, I think.

5:33Joanne McNally:It's two years, you know? That's why I'm always flabbergasted when comedians go out every once... For me, I'm saying it's two years. Some people can pull it off in a quicker time span than that. I can't. I certainly can't. It takes me two years to get it, like, in my mind, like a banging show. that's what I wanted to get to so I will keep I will keep tinkering with it and so you're Glasgow again tonight are you going out today in Glasgow or what are you doing no no no no I've learnt I've learnt I've learnt I've learnt you're looking very fresh yeah at this tour I'm telling you I'm telling you Garelda's like I give it two days I'm like no no pre-drinking maybe one drink after the show that's it it's all very and I'm gonna do my running I'm really gonna keep my shit together this time because by the time Prosecco finished I was a shell and I just don't want to do that to myself again No I mean you were texting me at half eight this morning and I was like she's still up or Yeah I know I know Yeah Getting glasgur No I didn't We just went for dinner after Very civilised Oh my god A dinner A ten What time is the show at?

6:40Tell me what time it starts at I'm voting for a matinee everyone so don't Listen I'm going to make it happen

6:46Joanne McNally:I would do a matinee I would I think Plymouth I'm doing two shows this will be out actually this might be out before or after Plymouth I'm not sure Plymouth I'm doing two shows in a day and Dubai I'm doing two shows in a day I'm up for doing a matinee I'd love a matinee it would really suit me would you though would you really though I would love a matinee I would I wonder when I do a matinee for like kind of mothers who don't want to any other losers follow us does anyone want to come to a matinee with me that would be why not Why not put on a show for the losers? I tell you what, why don't we choose a day and I'll go to that matinee.

7:23Let's choose one in Dublin and I'll go to that matinee.

7:26Joanne McNally:Do you know, I actually think it's a really good idea because do you remember, I remember, this is kind of a different thing, but the cinema near me used to put on morning cinemas, morning films for mums who've just had babies and you were like, bring your babies in and then if babies were crying, there was no judgment and stuff. So they'd be putting movies on at like 10am, 11am 7am and stuff and friends of mine used to go and they loved it they were like it's great to be accommodated like that well I'd like I don't want to be I'm not going to watch your comedy at 10 you wouldn't even be fired up god no like 1 or 2 1 or 2 that's a great time I think 3 is a good time for a show okay that's pushing on dinner but that's fine that's fine you'll be taking your makeup off obviously I was like I can see you getting ready for bed folk 3 o 'clock 1 London 3 o 'clock and 1 Dublin 3 o 'clock I'll go to both I've just watched you put your earplugs in I'm still on stage I've got the white noise on turn your fucking phone off

8:29Joanne McNally:Have you watched the Catfish documentary on Netflix the new one called Wrong Number or Weird Number something number Everybody let's watch that and we can talk about it in the main next week Yeah do promise me you'll watch it now I promise you I'll watch it Yeah, it's quite something. Put some time aside. You wonder how it happens to people, but then you also wonder how people end up getting ghosted and then you get ghosted yourself and you're like, oh, that's how it happens. It can happen to anyone. That's our homework for Friday. We're going to talk about the pod on Friday homework. That's fun homework.

9:04Yeah, any emails you want to send in about it, send them in to hello at MTGM pod.

9:11Joanne McNally:Yeah, go on. At global.com. Nope. Hello at MTGM pod. at gmail.com. It's hello at mtgmpod.com. Hello at mtgmpod.com. Can you hear me drinking? It's coconut water. Oh, look at me. I'm an angel. Oh, she's just going to root through her packing cubes now. I'm telling you, I'm a new woman. I'm going to come out of this. I keep screaming at Garot. This is a fitness camp, Garot. It's not even a comedy tour now. It's a fitness camp. He's like, calm down. He's a good one to have on tour with you because Garot is very well behaved. Is he doing the whole tour with you? Yeah, yeah. you know he's he's so well behaved like last night like obviously I had a drink after the show and he'd like a little Coca-Cola with a straw I mean he's just so good and do you know what Groh does as well he leaves you alone because you like to have your own private time when you're on tour and he leaves you alone he leaves you to it I do I'm quite the hermit yeah it all comes down to the social battery come here riddle me this why are you cleaning out all the kids wardrobes getting rid of them would I wear any of them you would but they wouldn't fit you I'd love one of those little Gucci tracksuits that the lads have.

10:18Yeah, there is a really nice one of them. No, kids grow out of clothes insanely fast and because I keep them all for Otto, poor Otto, I mean, Theodore got a bike off his nanny for his birthday and I was like, now make sure you get one he can grow into. Like, don't get the really small one because there's one for like, and then so like, he's just, he just about fits him and I'm like, Otto will have that in four years time.

10:40Joanne McNally:Well, you know my system when it comes to giving kids clothes. I buy two pieces of clothing I buy one because they're so cheap kids clothes Do you know what I saved in Kevin Carey's the other day that you gave me remember you got I don't even know which child it was I think it might have been Theodore you got him white dungarees and a pink t-shirt from Petit Bateau and I've saved it just in case I have another child so that's still going Aww yeah you see Yeah Yeah it's great giving clothes to someone as fertile as yourself because you know they'll get loads of uses out of it and then I pass them all on again so they all get reused I give one item of clothing that'll fit the baby say the baby's born right day one so baby's tiny blah blah blah so there's no point getting anything for the baby at that point because it's fucking they have everything they have everything they're only rocking around the gaff they're not going anywhere they don't need clothes and then I get them for like say a three month outfit and then I get a 12 to 15 kind of month outfit because I just it means they'll get more time with the clothes not wear necessarily but I give them something to work towards to grow into so then I feel like my present is more appreciated because every time they look in the wardrobe they're like what do you want to do do you want to do that do you want to do that do you want to do that even though they can't wear it so it's something for them to work towards that's what I do

12:03Joanne McNally:Any emails for us Fooj please? I certainly do I would just like to say I've just made myself the most delicious lunch I can hear it rolling around in your mouth You said you couldn't hear anything And I was eating to the side I can't bear hearing somebody eat It's coming through loud I'll never forget years ago When I went to school in France I went home with the family one weekend And the girl that I went home with her little sister I can still see it Her mouth's like a cement mixer You can see all the stuff wishing around and she was eating eggs and it was just like just all the white stuff in her mouth I was 15 and I can still picture it perfectly I have just such a weird Gigi came over to me, this is terrible the other morning to give me a kiss and she had egg in her mouth and like the smell of egg I was like oh Gigi please swallow your egg first and she started crying I just feel so bad but please don't make me eat the egg off your lips Oh my God, poor Gigi.

13:09Joanne McNally:Her first rejection. She's going to have to get used to it. It won't be the last if she keeps going around her egg. Yeah, she needs to learn now. It's not sexy, it's not cool. Okay, right. Here we go. Dear Vogue and Joanne, this is an advice please one. Long time listener, first time emailer here. I need your pearls of wisdom before my marriage descends into a Netflix true crime documentary. Wow. Our pearls of wisdom. that'll be interesting my husband has recently taken up the ancient art of weaponised incompetence, you know the one I don't know how to use the washing machine you're just better at folding towels which end can you hear that, sorry that's a poor wedding it's a dog, yeah that death rattle's been going on years now stop, I love him so much which end of the hoover do I point at the floor At this point, I'm half expecting him to tell me he's forgotten how to breathe and would I mind doing it for him.

14:10Now, I love the man. He's funny, kind and does make a good cup of tea. But I'm starting to suspect that if there was an Olympic event for pretending not to know how to do basic household tasks, he'd bring home the gold. So my question is, how do I put an end to this nonsense without either A, adopting him as my second child or B, setting the... and talking to my god

14:36Joanne McNally:does he need the Heimlich he sounds like Gigi tried to kiss him with egg in her mouth and he's like bombing he's like I can't I think he got it up he's alright he got it up great go over and pat his back there just to make sure it's all up

14:58Joanne McNally:if in case the listeners can't hear we can hear violently rathing. They can hear. Violently rathing. Oh, God. Okay. And we're setting... You're as an exasperated solidarity. I'm going to say Anand because we don't know if you want to be... Not Anand. The thing about it is, I wouldn't wash his clothes. I'd leave his clothes at the side and be like, you my friend can enjoy before we had kids many and i like spenny he genuinely once i said to him i was like oh will you just turn off the dryer and he goes which one's the dryer and i thought that's like and he wasn't just making up he just genuinely didn't know which one was the dryer so there is a level of that but also i think he can when you marry somebody um you can only like you can only help them along the way but they're never going to be what you want them to be like in terms of certain things so you're just gonna have to accept him yeah and don't wash his clothes don't wash his clothes that's one way of getting him back yeah i think i think kick off like i think kick i do i think like have a showdown show how angry you are because ultimately and we all do this if someone does everything for you you get very used to it very quickly yeah and your you You know, behaviors are learnt in whatever environment they are taught.

16:32And if he's used to you grabbing the hoover off and going, you're so thick, it's this.

16:37Joanne McNally:He's just going to let you do that. Or make him pay for a cleaner. That's actually a really good shout. If he's got any spare cash floating around, ask him. If he's not going to do it, then he has to pay for a cleaner. That's a really good idea. I used to live with two lads and they weren't the tidiest. Now, they weren't dirty or anything. Well, they just weren't the tidiest. And we just got a cleaner once a week. Because I was like, guys, I can't keep cleaning up after all of you. It was driving me nuts. Yeah, I went out with a lad who was like, so a lot of the time I'm the problem. So I'm this, I'm the husband.

17:08Joanne McNally:Okay. And I drive, I've lived with a couple of men romantically and platonically. But the ones I lived with romantically, I drove them all insane because they were all quite clean freaks. And I am not. And I was, I used to get really embarrassed because they'd be really angry at me. And I was like, I don't understand. like I did clean up and I did try and stack the dishwasher properly and I wasn't weaponizing incompetence yeah it was genuine incompetence so maybe he's genuinely incompetent

17:43Joanne McNally:I've got unclogging the toilet with the dice and he's like that's not how that works so maybe he's genuinely incompetent but I yeah you know if you've also if he's been led away with it up to this point it's like it's like the way do you know the way your mum or your dad or if you're they kind of do things for you like Pat would be very she'll offer to go to the post office no what oh Neil would actually no Neil would yeah Neil does Neil's involved Neil's involved Neil gives you a lift Neil's offered a lift to the airport and everything that's a real nice thing to do yeah and Neil will be looking after like Neil's helps with your accounts and all that jazz so then you're kind of used to it so then you automatically give your accounts to Neil like Pat's my post office she's my post office person I would have to say that it depends and this is no shade on anyone's parents who just like who did stuff for them because naturally you love your kids so much that you want to do it but like when I was growing up from a very early age I was like I think I was like 11 when I started making my own school lunch and then and then I was hoovering like the stairs and cleaning the kitchen and doing all things like that from when I was very young so I'm just really good at all that like I knew how to do my washing I knew how to cook and I really want my kids to know how to do all that stuff because I think when you move out, there's a real shock.

18:59As I told you, remember that guy I told you about who didn't know that you had to wash your towels and he had to tell in uni for a whole year. Yeah. He didn't know.

19:08Joanne McNally:Yeah. And I remember, I've probably told the story before, I lived with a girl who was, I mean, I thought I was incompetent. My God, this is years ago. And I was ended up, I was living with her and a boyfriend at the time. And she was in this, she was kind of our housemate. And I was cooking him dinner because I always came home earlier than him and then I couldn't not cook her dinner because they were kind of coming home at the same time so I was like I suddenly am now cooking dinner for three people every day and I'm like look this oh god no look this noise so I said I was like look you're both on your own go and cook your own dinner and she's like I don't know how to and so she asked me how to cook pasta and I said put pasta put the pasta in the water and then when the pasta's soft put the sauce on and she's like okay and then she was in the kitchen cooking away and she came in she goes it doesn't look right and because I hadn't said drain the pasta.

19:55Joanne McNally:She didn't drain it. So she just thrown in all this ragu into this hot water. So some people, you're right, they're just not taught how to do stuff. Like Pat was always really good about mail for me, like my posts. So like paying bills and stuff. She was always making sure I was doing that stuff. And I mean, as much as I loved it, I don't think it stood to me, to be honest. No. Because then when I moved out, I was a bit, I was kind of flailing all over the place, you know. I was like, I don't know how to do anything. Well, it was like anything. Alza wouldn't be like on the same I had to kind of kick Alza into shape when he moved in with us because my mum kind of let him away with everything because he was the youngest and sure like he lived off Bolognese twice a day for a year except not Saturdays and Sundays when someone else comes from also we know that there is you know there is a kind of a it's a bit of a stereotype but stereotypes are usually there's a bit of a lot of married women are straight married women are raising their husbands let's be honest about it you know what I mean they're almost like another job that's what I've heard that's what I've heard you can you can slightly change them all I'm saying is you can't ever make them as good as you but Spencer used to be really bad and now he's actually pretty good like he'll clean up after himself like I used to like when he'd leave stuff all over the house I'd pick it up and I'd just throw it all into his dressing room just on the floor so he'd have to clean it up and now he just like he's gotten better at stuff like that but I'm never going to expect him to go and do the washing or like go Like that's what I kind of just do.

21:21Joanne McNally:And this is why I live alone. To have my own place and just fuck it up. And just fucking throw ragu on the wall if I want. And not be like tiptoeing around. Worried that I've left something somewhere. And not folded something right and all that jazz. Okay. So we hope that's in some way helped you. And there's always divorce. You know me. I'm a huge fan. Your girlfriends will be delighted. Come back to The Fold.

21:53Well, everyone, that's it for the bonus. Thank you so much for listening. We will see you for the main. Don't marry.

22:19Thank you.