Vogue's Baby Shower at Joanne's!

0:01Back to school is busy enough. The last thing you need is shopping that makes it harder. Whether you're moving into a dorm, your first apartment, or just getting organized for the semester, Wayfair makes it easy to get everything you need in one place. Furniture, bedding, storage, decor, study essentials, all at prices you'll love with fast shipping before move-in day. Get everything you need for back-to-school season. Shop Wayfair.com today. Way fair, every style, every home. Hey man, you hungry?

0:31Vogue Williams:Let's order delivery. Yeah, I was thinking... Italian. Burgers? Oh. Game night, just got tense. Two bros on different sides of the fence. Burgers or pasta tonight. Why can't we have food without the fight? With Wonder, you can combine 20 restaurants in one delivery, so no one has to settle. Download the app today. Wonder. Food without the fight. This is a global production. Donatella Versace accidentally booked blue instead of blur. Who could we be accidentally mistaken for? Paddy and Selma. Do you know who won? Not if it was you. You have to have like a press angle. You have to have a thing. Which is a prolapse.

1:27Vogue Williams:Hello, hello, we're back. Joanne is wearing scuba shades, which makes me feel uncomfortable because they're... Very you. Very me. They're from Les Specs. Jo, what do you reckon? Les Specs? Les Specs. Les Specs. They're quite big. Look how much smaller they look on my face now. Well, I can't reach out. You've got your green stuff on. Who? Are you going to bring out your... I look like I've got small packs. Are you going to bring out your own eye? Oh my God, how can you wear these? They're really dirty. Oh, they're quite good. You've gotten very greedy in your late stage of pregnancy. Sorry, are you taking scuba shades away from me now?

2:04Vogue Williams:Like, they're mine. And look at her. Everything is a scuba. You can't. Can you scuba dive in scuba shades? No. You could give it a go. What's your... You know, I have a scuba diving license. I do. I have a scuba diving license. What? I got it off Diego. Is it provisional? It's a paddy license. I can dive 17 feet. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 17 feet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but that's you standing up. That's not you.

2:32Vogue Williams:Do you actually go into the water? I didn't know they actually didn't make it into the water, yeah. She's standing in the sea in snorkels. Sorry, Amber was telling me this thing about, now I know we're talking about porn again, but giantess porn. So people are into porn. Man, yeah, I know. I'd never heard of it. No, I've never, I don't know what you said. Giantess porn. Oh, giantess porn. Got it, yeah. I prefer giants. born for giants men are into giant women giant women tall women yeah yeah giants you should do that I know I saw I was thinking to myself I saw your woman Lily Phillips was on Holly Willoughby's show which you were on I love which was Holly's a great friend and personal confidant I do love Holly Willoughby she's and she's really good crack as well I don't think that people know him no maybe people do know how much crack she is because she is really good crack yeah she's great crack and she's a ride and her husband's sound as well.

3:26Vogue Williams:I don't know her husband at all. He's sound as well. I always think that like I would judge people on their, well I suppose I don't want people to entirely judge me on Spencer. Do you think he judges you on Spencer? No, I don't want people, I was saying it's a good judge if somebody has a good. Sorry, I get it, yeah. But anyway, she had that girl Lily Phillips on. I just saw. Did she? Yeah, and Lily Phillips was sitting there and she goes, she was talking about like how she's able. She's very nice. She got, sorry, go on. She was talking about how she's able to take more down there because she's used to it and she was because she does two at a time and Holly was like oh my god go on I just thought it was an interesting oh that was it I thought you you were setting that up like Holly had some great clap back no because Holly just got a little bit of a she just got a bit of a shock but like she does like that's that's kind of isn't Lily famous for isn't she big into anal yeah yeah I think so but she does both at the same time god fair play so her numbers clock up quicker.

4:25Yeah, yeah. Oh God, yeah. Yeah. Because that's where we are now.

4:29Vogue Williams:Yeah. Wasn't she the... You can't just be... What time is it? It's 10.15. You can't just do porn now. You have to have like a press angle. You have to have a thing. Which is a prolapsed anus. Because wasn't that the conversation that... Who had a prolapsed anus? Well, wasn't... Didn't Lily... I have a prolapsed anus? No, she didn't have... Basically, if memory serves me correctly, which it rarely does she was going to have so much anal that people were saying she wanted to anal a thousand people she wanted to anal a thousand are we sure a thousand? I think she wanted to it was something nuts if you do it on your phone and Josie ever looks at your history I'll do it it won't be unusual to find online he'll be the next Hugh Edwards if he does it on his work one you need to do it on your personal one and then just your wife will see which is fine I'm sure she was going to anal I think she did anal she did I've seen I've definitely seen photos of her with a lot of the sorry the OF girls who are like actually like riding around rather than just like showing their feet or their tits they do these photos where they their eyes are like covered in and their eyes are kind of like red and they're like need to share like it's I'm sorry like your body your choice etc it's fucking gross it looks awful but as I I'm always divided over the porn thing I'm like is it are they empowered well it's never it's never real like when you're watching or like I don't like I don't like that extreme shit I just don't like it no no but I had to do this thing recently it's a fairfager for the bum thing feral animals remember them queuing for Bonnie Bloom it's fucking disgusting I had to stick this cotton wool budge thing up my bum recently well what happened did I just black out where did that come from are you comparing that to are you comparing that to Lily doing a thousand anals.

6:21Vogue Williams:Well, this is how, I'm about to say where I would land. So like, I had to stick a cotton wool bud thing up my bum. Oh my God, hope you're a pain one. For the hospital. How much did you get paid? Oh, it was free. What I'm saying is, it was really hard to get up there. I think I might have been nervous, but I couldn't get it up for ages. And I was like, and then I was like, am I not seeing? Like a tiny cotton bud. It was, but I swear to God, maybe it's because the cotton bud was dry. Was someone looking at you? It was dry. Were you being looked at? No, I was trying to look at myself. I eventually had to be in front of the mirror like this.

6:56I'm not being bad, Vogue, but we do a podcast twice a week. That could have been great content. Stuff like that, you should ring me or Jo, and we'll go, won't we, Jo?

7:04Vogue Williams:Just send us a quick message. Maybe me, actually. A quick message. So that we can cover it. But that, I did think about that. I was like, God, I could barely get that cotton wool thing up my bum. How the hell is she doing a thousand up the bum? Sorry, Vogue, I have to. You try and do it. You try and get it. Go upstairs and try and shove an earbud up your heart. The fact that you think I have cotton buds means sometimes I'm like, do you see me at all? As if I have cotton buds.

7:32I clean my face with Jif. No, I don't actually love Jif.

7:35Vogue Williams:Anyway, fair play to her. She's able to get that many up there. Do we save her? Yeah. It would be for me. It would be. I know it's not for me, especially after the cotton wool situation. Best of luck to her. Best of luck to her in her endeavours. Did you Google it, Jo? is she did she do a place of an alice I don't think she did do that it was her plan it was talked about do you know what though I will say difference for her and Bonnie Blue Bonnie Blue rage baits and that's kind of her whole marketing strategy is to piss women off and tell us we're all fat and ugly and everyone's husband wants to ride her instead that's kind of like her thing which is I mean it works because it's really annoying to listen to whereas your one Lily seems really sound she's just like hey yeah she does and then I saw her interviewed with her parents who are lovely.

8:17And Ophela. I've seen an interview with...

8:19Vogue Williams:Oh my god, what does Ophela think? He seems very proud of her. He apparently watches her content. What? Right, yeah, okay. To each their own. Jesus Christ. Was he kind of drooling? Isn't it like a different world, isn't it? It's a very different world. I would be, like, not able for that. I never know. One day we might have a... Just for the listeners, she's opening a can of Heineken.

8:45Vogue Williams:Another hard Salter Vogue We should say She's still pregnant We should say That in terms of In terms of timeline Where you're seeing this This was recorded A week ago This is a pre-recorded episode Sorry Sorry Are we not recording Next week? No I'm recording Why won't they Let me have a break Well you've got a break From us This is it for us This is end of term Oh my god just for the listeners don't worry guys I brought the vlog camera oh for fuck's sake we can do a little bit of vlogging not in the podcast you're vlogging don't you dare oh god the camera's spinning you make me look at it look at it oh looking at you you make me hype up your YouTube channel my YouTube channel sorry folk why does that camera look it looks like you're about to give me a colonoscopy what are you doing with the camera stop pointing at me this is my vlogging camera why does its little head move because it's following you you're jealous I'm not sure about that go watch my vlog what does she even do well done is it called what does she even do yeah you tell me to call it that did I yeah that's hilarious that was a great call on my part did you call it that yeah I did here we are vlogging in Joanne's oh they do look nice I mean don't they you can have them if you want look at us I would love them you can have them for the baby they're for the baby I will give you that top bag they're from Les Specs give them a shout out they're a great brand thanks Les Specs I will give you that jacket you brought Gigi back because no one's wearing it and I'm doing clearing it I've got to be honest Joanne you aren't wearing it who's going to wear it she's six it's too big it's too big and I was like if Joanne spots that on my you're going to send my present back if Joanne spots that on vintage I'm in trouble you can't send my present back well I don't know what to do with it I'm not going to wear it personally it's not my vibe what age are your kids now?

10:28three and one perfect one of them will wear it

10:31Vogue Williams:it looks like a fluffy Ikea jacket there you are a fluffy Ikea coat I'm sorry I just don't and I thought and I looked at it and I was like Joanne hates charity so I won't put it on my vintage you know I hate charities I bought that for Traders and then when I arrived thank fucking god you didn't wear it on it was one of those things when I arrived and I was like it's teeny tiny I thought it was Traders is happening in October is it? and then I won't need you for anything because you told me fuck all and I'll remember that I'll tell you nothing I've said nothing only because you don't remember no no I do no I do no I struggle with remembering do you know who won?

11:05do you? Yes of course You know who I'm I know I was actually I was actually Compass Mentors For the show Like I'm not I don't have dementia Was it you?

11:17Vogue Williams:Not if it was you Laugh If it was you she laughed I'm saying nothing Either of you guys She's good She's good at keeping secrets When she needs to Even my mother I haven't said it You haven't told Pat No I wouldn't tell Pat I wouldn't trust her She'd tell people She'd be straight on She would definitely tell Even I know Pat would tell people Yeah she'd be wearing a new fur coat. I'd be like, where'd you get the money for that part? Even, I was out for dinner with Joe Lycett the other night, who was also on the show, and there was a table of two women. Did he win? I don't know. She did nod her head down there.

11:50Vogue Williams:I didn't. I just moved my head. I think Joe won. Joe won. He wasn't even in a show. Joe Lycett? Or Joe. Oh, look, I'm not saying anything. I'm neither confirmed. But there was two girls sitting at the table beside us, and even with me and Joe, we didn't we were like we were using sign language and stuff now the girls couldn't give a shit but we were I'm so I'm so proud of myself I've never kept a secret about anything before as you know I've been selling stories on you for years we don't care you don't care don't care literally not even going to watch it yeah no of course

12:30back to school is busy enough the last thing you need is shopping that makes it harder Whether you're moving into a dorm, your first apartment, or just getting organized for the semester, Wayfair makes it easy to get everything you need in one place. Furniture, bedding, storage, decor, study essentials, all at prices you'll love. With fast shipping before move-in day. Get everything you need for back-to-school season. Shop Wayfair.com today. Wayfair, every style, every home.

12:59Vogue Williams:Queen Carvania stood haloed by the morning sun. An army hung on her every word. My champions, I have sold my chariot on Carvana. It was a lovely SUV, an inexplicably queenly offer. They're even coming to the castle to collect it. Tonight, we feast. An offer you can feast on. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pick up these mail. Bye. Rasputin was known for having a massive car. Can you believe Neil Armstrong actually said, it's one small s***? Come on, Gav. Boudicca ordered all her men to run to their... Honestly, history is wild and we love it. Join me, Johnny Vaughan, alongside my historical sidekick, Gavin the Woodman Woods, for Blummin' Legends, the history lesson you wish you had.

13:52Each week, we dig into the mad, messy and downright hilarious stories behind history's biggest names. Eccentric kings and queens, dazzling con men, dastardly weirdos, iconic warriors, and people who probably should have had a better PR team. Listen and watch on YouTube, Global Player,

14:09Vogue Williams:or wherever you get your podcasts. History has never been this outrageous.

14:20Vogue Williams:I don't think that I would be mentally able for it. Well, you did the jungle. Yeah, but I wasn't. I felt like in the jungle which I loved everyone that I did the jungle with I actually didn't not get on with anyone but like I didn't have like It's very diplomatic I didn't have like I always I always have a best friend around me or somebody I know really well like I just always do because like I have I'm I have really good friends Staff I feel like I'm I feel like I'm showing off I have really good friends I have really good friends but I felt like in there I didn't have like best friends and I couldn't like talk to them about stuff that like do you know what I mean or be vulnerable well sure I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone in Traders we weren't allowed to talk at all I don't know yeah but you like that I'm so mentally resilient now because I've been doing I'm a single I'm a single comedian I'm on my own all the time it's really nice to actually have sunglasses on inside with the lights and everything well I'm not fit for purpose I look like I've got smallpox still look at me I'm still covered in bites can I just please remind you of the funniest, maybe the funniest news story ever.

15:31Do you remember when Donatella Versace accidentally booked Blue instead of Blur? Did she? Do you remember this story? Is that true?

15:41Vogue Williams:This is the second time this has come up. Not recently. Really? Yeah, it does sound like something I would repeat. Blue are fantastic though. well Donatella wasn't delighted Donatella hold on let me get the OG Donatella really for Sachi Donatella she says a quote well I've still not met Blair the time blue got ignored here we go poor blue who's the other ones five five are great as well remember five five blue Backstreet Boys imagine going to like a mashup of all of them that gig probably exists they're all very much back in business yeah there's a lot of nostalgia going on we should we literally could have a second career as the cheeky girls if we just put wigs on no one would know no one really knew do you remember one of them went out with the politicians yeah it was really weird are they not still together he wasn't I wouldn't say so he wasn't up my street that fella no Donatella Versace has brilliantly responded to blues revelation that their band was accidentally flown out to one of the designer shows in Milan after being mistaken for Blur.

16:57Italian fashion icon Donatella, 66, accidentally found herself entertaining the blue boys at a Milan fashion week show. Assistance to the fashion star accidentally mixed up the boy band, which stars Duncan James, Simon, Anthony and Lee Ryan with Parklife singers Blur.

17:16Vogue Williams:So what did she say to them? So she flew them out, put them in stunning suits realised they weren't Blur and then basically burnt them for the weekend oh no and did they even get to play oh I don't think taking to her Instagram stories the Italian fashion star poked fun at the blunder as she shared a screenshot of the Daily Mail headline calling it the mix up yeah so she thought it was I think it was her assistant yeah they booked Blur instead of Blur I mean is that not the most iconic thing for everyone involved oh Blur but they're very different balance now in fairness you couldn't really put blue on instead of blur and you couldn't put blur on instead of blue you're so wise I feel like I feel like yeah I feel like blur feel more versace you're so wise they feel more versace but blur don't even really feel versace to be honest with you versace feels more like I don't know Will Smith back in the day party in the city where the heat is on on and on the beach to the break it on that kind of vibe who could we be accidentally mistaken for the high low I was going to say Paddy and Selma Dolly and Pandora What?

18:22Paddy and Selma

18:25Vogue Williams:Simpsons Oh Existers The yellow Is that because I'm yellow? No Yeah It's your tan If that's what you're Yeah it's your tan Same here You did a good job With your tan on holidays I was shooketh Do you know what's so Oh my god Do you know what's so The real downside Of wearing fake tan You haven't to get it off And redo it No is the delusion that comes with when you think you're actually that colour. So when I was on holidays and I was obviously in the sun for a month and I can't, look how white I am. It's so weird, right? And like I literally, it's really sad. But I was obviously doing the Bear by Vogue thing, blah, blah, blah.

19:01And then I believed my own hype. I swallowed my own soup and I thought I was super tanned. I was like, fucking, who's this hot Latino? And then, and then of course, the tan wore off and I was standing in Gatwick airport and I was like wow I'm whiter than when I went yeah it was a real anti-climax you have to be careful

19:22Vogue Williams:some people don't like when you talk about tanning being the some people want to embrace their pale skin that's fine we're fine if you want to embrace your pale skin that's fine I just don't neither do I I just think everyone's hotter with the tan I actually think it's good for the mental health honestly when I had the flu I'll never forget that time and I dragged myself out of bed to do the tan and I was like, I think I'm better. And I wasn't better. I had to go back to bed, but at least I went back to bed brown. It's great for morale. Now, what do you have for me here? Don't we have some quizzes?

19:53Vogue Williams:This, for all the people that organise this programme, this was supposed to be a baby shower episode. Oh, shit. This is supposed to be the thing. Where's my presence? Are you still pregnant? This is... This is... Can I believe this? The next time you see me, the next time you see me, I won't be pregnant. When this episode goes out, you might not be. No, you will. I'm coming in for the gas and air. Come here to me. Do you know Gabby Bryan's coming over here and I'm going to see Bon Jovi with her. Do you want to come? Are you here? When are you doing that? Latest, it will be his 9th of September.

20:21Vogue Williams:Are you gone? I can't. Oh God, I'm going to see it. It's my life. Unacceptable series too. Live. I can't wait. Anyway, come on, show me the baby shower stuff. Why didn't I just marry Molly Jo? Do I need... There's still time. There's not. I'm 43. Do I need to get a black cab for all the stuff or will it fit in an Uber? Ah, yes, the presents part of it. Well, I tried to get you a nice latte and I won't name the brand but Flo and the Flute didn't deliver three they delivered one I've had to complain to delivery Flo and the Flute and only one arrived and I drank it because that's how I roll yeah Flo and the Flute if you're listening Flo and the Flute you'll be one of those people that you won't even contact them to say you didn't deliver my no I did I've already complained yeah I would complain Jo I gave didn't I give you a present today?

21:06Vogue Williams:you've showered me in gifts what the hell did he get? why? so I had to let myself in for these back are you? Am I allowed to have these? Yeah you can have them. Fab. Okay well I'm delighted. Tag the specs will you? I will tag the specs and tag you and say look what you are and gave me. I had to let myself in. Because she's an ungrateful bitch. Yeah. You don't need anything. You've load you've fucking nine kids you have all the stuff already it's wasteful at this point. Joanne text me at half past two last night with This is a bit more information than they needed but go on. With access details.

21:36Joanne you're the only one

21:37Vogue Williams:who doesn't mind when people know how long you slept. So I had to let myself in and then when Joanne woke up. Yeah, sorry, sorry, Jo. Yeah, you're welcome. I now trust you with my lockbox code. Yeah, thank you. It was an early start, so it's fair play that she was still in bed. She came down and straight away, she fires through the door a bottle of very nice aftershave. Oh, wow. It's called Creed. You might have heard of it. Shut up, I love Creed. She gave you Creed. Yes, she did. Oh, lovely. And Jo, do you know what? Special occasions only. Yeah. That's like 300 quid a bottle. They've gone completely mental.

22:10So I actually went to give it to somebody else. I wouldn't take away from the story. And she said. That's fine. She said to me. She said, you know, this is like they're like 200 quid. And I honestly, Jo, I took it back off her. I said I hadn't realised. And I took it back. And I gave it to you. Are you going to take it back off of me? Potentially, yes. I'd leave promptly. I like to give things and then see the joy in the receiving. And then take it back. It's huge joy. I feel huge joy.