Grandpa Trump Can’t Stop Taking Cognitive Tests

0:26The Bleacher Report app is your destination for sports. And now it's time for some quality time with Grandpa Trump. There must be something wrong with Trump. Starring the President of the United States, who's turning 80 this year. We invite you to enjoy this short story from our President, because we know that you're going to be just as delighted to hear it as we are. See this pen right here? This pen is an interesting example. It's the same thing. So this pen is very inexpensive, but it writes well. I like it. But I can't have the pen the way it was. You know what it is. I don't want to give too much publicity, but they do treat me with a Sharpie.

1:08So I came here to have$1 ,000 pens. And you know, you hand pens out, you're signing, and you're handing them out. You're handing them to all these people. Sometimes you have 30, 40 people. And they were$1 ,000 a piece. Beautiful pen, ballpoint. 1 ,000 who's gold, silver, gorgeous. But I'm handing out to kids that don't even know what they're mommy what in god's holy name are you blathering about kids they're getting a pen for a thousand dollars they have no idea what it is and i'm and i feel guilty because i'm like you know i'm by nature i i don't you know it's the government i love the government like i love myself economically i want to save money so i'm saying this is crazy and it had another problem they didn't write well so i take it out and i saw it and there's no ink and i got all you people looking and you I said, there must be something wrong with Trump.

1:57And I'm signing, and there's no ink in the pen, and it costs$1 ,000. This one, I called the guy. I said, I'd like to use your pen, but I can't have a gray thing with a big S on it. What you just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul. Oof. Wow, what a doozy. Irreverent news talk, opinion, satire. It's Newsweek Radio. I'm Jesse Edwards.

2:41So Grandpa Trump has been bragging about his cognitive tests again. I'll say it right now. I say it because no president ever reports it. I'm the only president that ever took a cognitive test. I took it three times. It's a cognitive test. It starts off with an easy question. And by the time you get to the middle, it gets tougher. By the time you get to the end, very few people can answer those questions. They get very tough, mathematical equations and things. I took it three times. I aced it all three times. Look, I don't know about you, but the fact that he's mentioned this publicly at least a dozen times.

3:16Person, woman, man, camera, TV. I'm starting to suspect that he's had more than just these three tests in recent years, if that's what he's admitting to on camera now. So it's person, woman, man, camera, TV. Okay, that's very good. Give him an inch and it'll take a mile. That's Trump's M.O. If you get it in order, you get extra points. Okay, now he's asking you other questions. And don't think because I'm bashing Trump means that I wasn't trashing Biden for the same reasons. We have a thousand trillionaires in America. I mean, billionaires in America. Because these two men are first and foremost entirely too old to serve public office, and we should never elect anybody over the age of 62 again so that if they do complete two full terms, they won't be over the age of 70 by the time they're back out.

4:04Which sounds like a reasonable cutoff point to me. Can you do that again and you go person, woman, man, camera TV? The head of CPAC, the conservative political action committee conference this year down in Texas at the Gaylord Texan Resort. The head of CPAC asked the crowd if they wanted to see Trump impeached, and this, this is how a conservative Republican audience responded. How many of you would like to see impeachment hearings? No. That was the wrong answer. Let me try it again. How many of you would like to see impeachment hearings? No. Wow, I don't know about you, but it sounds like the Merc of First Crowd to me is done with Donald Trump.

4:50In fact, I happen to know more than half of the party has abandoned Trump, and most of the other half just doesn't want to admit that they were wrong about the guy. How many of you would like to see impeachment hearings? No. My best professional assessment? I would say that Trump would be lucky to have two out of ten people who voted for him still on board. And I still think that Father Time is doing more for us than impeachment or the 25th Amendment ever will. It does sound like Trump already wants to get rid of Pete Hegseth, doesn't it? Did you hear him say that somebody told him that Hegseth was terrible in front of Pete Hegseth?

5:24I'll tell you, somebody came up to me yesterday, gave you a very hard time, said, you know, I made a mistake. Pete Hegseth is doing a good job. So when I tell you who, you're not even going to believe it. He said, Hegseth, he gave you such a nasty hard time, but you're doing great. Why on earth would Donald Trump say something like this? I mean, unless Hegseth was truly on his way out. You're doing great. It's like Trump is molting into this final stage as the typecast mafia Don, who says something incredibly cryptic and subtle like this, just to knock you off your game before he takes you out.

6:00I'll tell you, somebody came up to me yesterday, gave you a very hard time, said, you know, I made a mistake. I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse. This from Forbes.com. Trump added$1.4 billion to his personal wealth over the past year, leveraging the presidency for profit. His cryptocurrency ventures stalled out before the election and exploded after his victory, adding an estimated$1.8 billion to his fortune overall. So why isn't he up by even more? Well, the value of his shares in Trump Media and Technology Group, the parent company of Truth Social, decreased by$1.3 billion since last year.

6:33as that venture bleeds money. I guess sometimes you can make more with a flop than you can with a hit, right, Donald? I'm guessing he's seen the producers. You know, the original with Zero Mostel and Gene Wilder? How can a producer make more money with a flop than he could with a hit? Well, it's simply a matter of creative accounting. Let's assume just for the moment that you are a dishonest man. Assume away. It's very easy. You simply raise more money than you really need. What do you mean? Well, you did it yourself, only you did it on a very small scale. What'd I do? You raised$2 ,000 more than you needed to produce your last play.

7:06So what? What did it get me? I'm wearing a cardboard belt. Well, that's where you made your mistake. You didn't go all the way. You see, if you were really a bold criminal, you could have raised a million. But the play cost me only$60 ,000 to produce. And how long did it run? One night. Do you see? Do you see what I'm trying to tell you? You could have raised a million dollars, put on a$60 ,000 flop, and kept the rest. But what if the play was a hit? Well, then you'd go to jail. See, once the play's a hit, you have to pay off all the backers. and with so many backers there could never be enough profits to go around.

7:33Get it? Uh-huh. Man, if that sound doesn't bring a smile to your face and a chill up your arm, I don't know what kind of classic comedy gold will. You should absolutely go and watch it if you've never seen it. Required homework here on Newsweek Radio, The Producers by Mel Brooks. And I'm not saying that Trump is guilty of this. I'm just saying that if there ever was someone to be found guilty of such a thing, I would assume that somebody like Donald Trump would be your lead suspect. Yes, and I just said that to cover my ass. And now, a word from our sponsor. This message is brought to you by Cologuard.

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9:43That's why I see him more as a byproduct of our division, not the fruit of any sort of meaningful unity by, of, and for the people, which is something I'm not sure I've even seen or will see in my lifetime, unfortunately. This is what it sounds like when pessimists dare to dream. I think it's possible, though highly unlikely. But I am incredibly interested in seeing people unite so things like Trump never happen again. Thankfully, more people than ever are in a position to finally agree with that statement than not. And just because somebody fell for Trump doesn't mean we can't be friends. I have several family and friends and even colleagues who are still clinging on to Donald Trump.

10:21I've got lots of friends and family who think that the Democrats are somehow going to magically step in and fix everything that Trump has destroyed. And that ain't happening either. Thankfully, there is, however, a growing chorus of people out there like myself who are completely over this left-right paradigm that produces nothing but garbage representation. And these are voices that should be nurtured and celebrated because it's incredibly patriotic to set aside your contempt for your political adversaries for God and or country. That's what this all comes down to, and that's how it was designed.

10:52And the sooner we get back to that mentality, the better. But I'm leaving Trump open as fair game because people like him are the exception that prove the rule. He's certainly not capable of civility when it counts, and I think that should be at least part of the test. Can you disagree with somebody without devolving into a complete crybaby? be? Can you admit and own up to your mistakes and shortcomings like a real man? Can you tell the truth even when it makes you look bad because it's the right thing to do? Donald Trump can't answer yes to any of these things because he's a bad person. How do we fix this country?

11:26How do we come back together? I'll tell you something that's going to get me in trouble, but I couldn't care less. The worst I've ever seen. There must be something wrong with Trump. It's been a long week. So that's it for this one. And until we can do it again, it's Newsweek Radio. I'm Jesse Edwards. Catch you next time. Bye. And we say bye-bye! Newsweek Radio is a member of the Trust Project. How many of you would like to see impeachment hearings? No. That was the wrong answer. I'm sorry to joke. Shut up! Turn your tax refund into a new landscape with Menards. Make this the year you check that project off the list.

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