Uncle Lazer on Quitting His Job for Comedy, Kill Tony, Cocaine & More

0:00I don't think I can be your friend, Isabella said. Rebecca's stomach flipped. This is the love story of real hinge couple Isabella and Rebecca, written and read by me, Temi Denton-Hurst. Listen to the free audiobook now.

0:17This episode is brought to you by Facebook. So you were scrolling on Marketplace, and there it was, the bike you'd been searching for. You sent a message, and it turned out the seller was super chatty, kind of funny, and an avid cyclist. The next thing you know, you're in a cycling crew. Well, a community cycling group. The thing about Facebook, you might find more than what you're looking for. From a browse to a bike ride, this summer, find more on Facebook. I feel like I'm going to have to loosen these straps a lot if this is going to fit onto my head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you got that Neanderthal head.

0:52Yeah, I got a big ass head. I'm not going to. No, it's alright.

1:01What size are you going to wear? I'm going to eat.

1:06This thing hurts. But I guess you would like I guess these pieces don't even these screw onto this and then I guess you would what? Oh, you just put the weed here. I don't really feel the need to It needs you to fuck an assembly kit And put that motherfucker together How do I need to get Get claustrophobia too Fuck that That's a gift for you if you need You doing any exotic weed smoking I just came from that Champs That goddamn weed convention out there in Vegas That big one That shit was wild man It was like No bullshit like 15 times bigger than AVNs It was at the convention center in Vegas. Dude, there's two floors.

1:54And it was all weed stuff? It was all weed shit. Then they had like this pre-workout you could snort. They had it on a fucking mirror. I swear to God. And I go, you ain't supposed to snort that. And they go, no, you can't. And I go, well, you ain't supposed to. Wow. You know? Yeah, it was nuts, man. You know what, though? I think that's the new way because somebody was just telling me that they have something that's basically like a caffeine product, like almost the equivalent of like a five-hour energy, and you snort it. Well, you snort it. That's... Come on now. So this is where we're at as a society is people have figured out that it's not technically illegal to sell something that you snort.

2:22So we're just going to take all the normal stuff. They'll probably have like a snortable alcohol at some point. Yeah. They're already doing that little booth and shit too. When they put up your ass and you get behind your liver and it like makes you super. You never, you never boofed alcohol? Wait a minute. You're telling me that they're selling this on. Well, I mean, I don't think it's like, you know, marketed like that, but yeah, I mean like it's done. Yeah. Wait, but they sell something that is good for this or you're just talking about doing a butt just doing a butt chug oh you know what i'm saying yeah because i remember like steve oh doing that back yeah yeah i was just thinking about steve oh that's weird yeah yeah he's sober now completely i know yeah like when he came in here he was like not feeling the fact that it even smelled like weed really yeah we had to like kind of take the weed yeah yeah basically we had like kind of take the weed products off the table shit like that but like you know certain people will like like i think it was bill maher who refused to go on his podcast unless he could smoke weed really or it might have been the other way around maybe he like yeah i don't know but either way like i mean to me that's like if you have a real drug problem yeah i'm gonna be sensitive i can be around it you know what i'm saying but yeah no definitely all right i'm gonna be totally honest with you because i have to tell you something about myself before we can really get into this last night on this podcast our sponsor everything 420 they had some some edibles i took one fuck too i'm still feeling it bro i'm still reeling yeah and even like last night i get home i'm sort of sitting on the couch and i'm like mega faded like but i'm not thinking about the connection between the edible i took for some reason and my girl gets home she wants to argue about some shit and i'm just sitting there just retarded just down syndrome just yeah not a thing to offer at all yeah and then uh yeah and then slept like 10 hours went to bed like two hours earlier than I normally would and woke up this morning worked out was not there at all not present and then I'm still kind of like I'm just trying to like drink caffeine and just get out of it I don't fuck the edibles eating the shit fucks me up I mean I'll smoke it and stuff but the edibles are scary this is what did me in last night but that's the thing it says 250 milligrams per person that sounds crazy though right 250 milligrams per gummy yeah per gummy 250 that's a fucking lot adam that's a lot usually people take like 20 milligrams exactly no one of these things you're gonna spill that shit till friday i don't know but i mean like you can order okay this is my thing you can order everything 420 products in the mail oh really like they'll just deliver it to your home and that's been our sponsor for a while and i've smoked the weed that they send and it's good right yeah but like i never tried the edibles really until now and I guess like part of my brain was thinking they weren't going to be powerful we it clearly says 250 on the can so I mean but I just thought 250 milligrams of some shit that you can order in the mail might be different than 250 milligrams of like some hardcore edibles but it turns out apparently apparently it's the same milligrams as the other one yeah it's crazy I'm gonna keep these on deck anytime I need like a nice long sleep yeah dude you want to go hibernate this is not a brand deal this is just how I'm feeling hell yeah anyway we got to talk to laser man so okay you are somebody that i ran into at a bunch of different parties yeah that's some rapport yeah which is what we call talking here in la networking was talking uh and i don't know eventually we just you know sort of drunkenly arrived on the idea of like hey we gotta do a podcast man let's do this yeah yeah thank you for having me it's fucking dope and i've been watching this for a long time no i appreciate that yeah man so okay you're from where exactly tell me about the younger days yeah young laser Yeah, so I'm from a little small village in Texas, about an hour south of Houston.

6:09And, yeah, we got in the oil field and then popped up on TikTok in the oil field and then started doing comedy and then the rest is history. Wait, so you popped off at what age? So it was right before COVID. I had a private Facebook and a Snapchat, right? And I make these stupid-ass videos when I was out on the rig working. And a buddy of mine I played baseball with back home, he's like, I'm going to make you a TikTok, send me these Snapchat videos. I was like, all right. And I sent him this one. And it was like, I was jogging. And I was like, when Miley Cyrus said everybody in line for the bathroom, trying to do lines in the bathroom, I was like, I felt that.

6:38Cause I'm addicted to cocaine. You know, I said, but my mom told me I got to quit. But summer's coming. We'll see. And I sent it to him, went to bed, got up next morning. I had like 18 million views and like 50 ,000 followers. First video ever posted on TikTok. And I was like, what the fuck is happening? 18 million views is so much. It's overnight. I'm talking like it was going apeshit. Phone was going on. Yeah, it was, it was nuts. And then, uh, yeah, I dated this witch and, uh, and uh yeah and then fucking next thing i know uh yeah well like it was my buddy's birthday and like we went out and she's a she's a she's a witch you know like into like blood and like stuff like that and so like okay maybe i'm stereotyping when we think about texas small town in texas i'm not thinking of there being enough like social diversity for there to be a witch well see austin is built different right austin reminds me of like a little la because But this is Houston, right?

7:29I moved out of Houston when I was like 18. All my friends were to UT and shit like that. And I got out. But Austin, it's liberal as fuck. But you can go 15 minutes outside the city limits and everybody got blowing shit up with Tanner Wright and shooting guns and stuff. But there is a little bit of dichotomy in there. There's some weird people out there, motherfucker. There's some witches. Yeah, just try to stab me with a knife and blame it on the full moon, shit like that. I'm like, the moon didn't do that, Jessica. Sit the fuck down. Well, I mostly lived in LA and New York throughout my adult life.

7:55So it's like you might see a witch, but you're just thinking like there's so many people here that there's got to be one witch. Oh, yeah, yeah. But there's not like a community of witches. And I like I just wouldn't think that the small town would have a witch with that. So how do you start dating the witch? Well, I just met her at a party and she had good pussy. And we just started, you know, and I was like, I'm going to have you around here, you know. And yeah. And we like went and saw this band. And I'm like, I played music my whole life. So I was like, I know when bands are good or like weekend warriors.

8:23And I was like, man, these motherfuckers are good. And she's like, well, I used to fuck the lead singer. I used to date the guitar player. And I was like, well, I hope they get in a car accident, you know? And then, yeah. And then that, at that time that kill Tony was at the Vulcan and they had an after party and that band was a backing band for the after party. And that's how I met Hinge Cliff and all them. And it just kind of spiraled into that. Cause I was still an oof. I had no, I had no in business doing no standup, no nothing. I was just making money in old field. So you were like perfectly content to just have a regular job and then just, you started doing the tiktok thing just because you're looking at tiktok and i was bored because it's like prison but with windows and you get i was making like half a million dollars a year for i was running a crew and shit so it was like a i was making a living living and then i had to tell my daddy and them i'm like hey i think i'm gonna quit this job and go be a fucking comic and my dad's like well that's retarded you know but you're a grown man do what you want but how long did you try to juggle both at the same time like at what point were you like you know i need all my time to try to focus on this other shit so you know a lot of my content is like sexual into windows to single mothers and drug references right and so like i was working for conical phillips at the time and they got an hr department and so i couldn't put my name my real name on my tiktok and everybody called me laser since i was you know in my 20s but then lasers taken on the tiktok so i was like i can't find a name and i was fucking this single mother and i don't think she's quite done with her baby daddy because every time i call her she'd be like she told her this is uncle laser and i was like oh shit that's it but then when like uh when goddamn the higher ups kind of cool like hey you cannot film anymore while you're on location i was like man fuck this job you know what i'm saying like this makes me happy i want to go do this so and then that's just kind of how it spiraled from there i mean because okay like having a regular ass job is kind of soul crushing for most people i would say even if you're earning a good amount of money you're talking like half a million dollars or whatever i mean that's fucking serious bread but i mean it's so painful to just have to like fill this role and basically become like a robot on a day-to-day basis and i feel like people therefore end up spending time on social media and then they while they're working all day they start thinking how could i make some content out of what i'm doing all day even if not many people see it at least i'll feel like i'm doing something creative or something interesting or something that could turn into something as long as i'm working a shitty job like i'm picturing myself and like how i worked at a grocery store when i was like you know 14 for a couple years and it's like for sure if tiktok had existed i would have been thinking you know how do i it's an outlet yeah you know what i'm saying yeah and like i it's the first video i fucking post you know what i'm saying so it's just like oh shit you know there's a market for our people i'm gonna make money off of this you know and i'm like fuck working for somebody else you know because there's a kid who uh i am subscribed to his youtube that like makes videos about just working at 7-eleven and he blew up got millions of views and then he got fired from 7-eleven for making these videos so now he's like hunting for another job and it's kind of well i really can't blame 7-eleven yeah you don't want you yeah and i guess they got on and they fired him because he fucking uh shotgunned a non-alcoholic beer which if you think about it from their perspective it's like okay it looks like a beer yeah from his perspective it's like well i'm not drunk it was not alcoholic but yeah i mean that's it they got pissed off i'm like posting people on the job site just talking shit to them and i'm like fuck this i'm gonna go anything even slightly edgy they hate it they hate it because they don't want they're all business out there so but it's probably best thing i mean i look back at it now and i'm like fuck why did i wait so long you know what i'm saying because how many years were you doing that career before you got into social media and everything so i started that when i was 19 and then i left the woolfield at 30 oh so so i was there you know i was the 12 years in you know what i'm saying and i think i started doing that tiktok shit like i said right before pandemic happened and i maybe did it for like nine ten months and then i was like i think it's time to make this jump right you know what i'm saying because no one ever tells you hey man you're ready to go do this you just kind of have to like if i didn't fully commit i would never know right you know i'd be like i was like what if you know because the security of the money behind the blanket security blanket was great you know but it's like i can't fully you can't half-ass something you got to dive in you know that's the only way i learned i mean even if you're just going to be like spending time in comedy clubs a few nights out of the week yeah i mean then you're i assume you're getting up at like four in the morning or some shit to go do the well so we work two weeks on two weeks off right so like my two weeks off i'd fucking you know boozing fucking party and doing my shows and i go back out and i have to be completely you know sober and i'd follow like a workout because you can't drink or do drugs out there or nothing because they got like dogs coming to the location.

12:57So like I get to reset. And that's the hard part about it now is like, I still got that DG in me, but I don't get a chance to go back and reset. I'm always, every night even though I'm not performing, there's a networking opportunity, rapport, like I said, you know? And so it's a weird dichotomy to kind of navigate. So that's why I was like, because sometimes I'm like, man, I got to stop drinking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because with two beers, I'm like, hey, let's get a bag. What are we doing? Let's get a bag. I mean, are we here? Yeah, we're talking about it. I mean, since we're here, I can turn a Sunday fun day into a no call, no show Monday in a fucking heartbeat, man.

13:27You know what I'm talking about? I might not even show up Tuesday and lose that fucking job. Wait a minute. So in Texas, people are doing drugs, but it's more of a well-kept secret. Los Angeles, let's get some coke. Yeah, I mean. It's not so secretive, right? Yeah, no. I mean, we could get on that chicken speed and just get ignorant, you know? So how long have you been out here living this lifestyle? I still live in Austin. Yeah, I still live in Austin because Comedy Mothership, Rogan's Place is down there. So, and the comedies, I honestly feel like it's a little bit bigger out in Austin than it is here, but the movie shit is still out here.

13:57So we're coming out here like once a month, you know, for shit, but think about moving out here, but God damn, it's expensive, man. It is, huh? $1 ,700 for a coffee and a bagel. You're out of your fucking mind, man. $1 ,700. I'll take two. You know what I'm talking about? No. Oh, so you never had to like look at, what are the rents that you've looked at out here that have appalled you as opposed to Texas? A little studio, goddamn apartment, like 900 square foot or whatever. They're fucking$2 ,500 in West Hollywood. Dude, I got a four-bedroom house,$2 ,700, with a yard and a white-gated community.

14:26Yeah. You know? That's pretty much how it goes, yeah. You get, like, a whole house down south. It's crazy. Or you could have a little-ass apartment out here. It's fucking crazy, the price difference. And then, like, just gas. Gas is, like,$2.50 in Texas. Yeah. It's, like, six bucks out here. Yeah, I was just out there just staring at the signs, like, what the fuck is that about? But, okay, so you've been free from the construction shit, or the oil field for how long? uh since 2021 oh okay so you you've got the the contrast and comparison of what it's like to live that life versus this life like i mean one is like very honest and when you're done you're done you can just kind of go have your life to yourself whereas like out here like you're saying it's kind of like a full-time job of trying to like sort of make it in this business and everything which one is more soul enriching for you i mean for sure stand up but it's a little more fucking goddamn stressful too, right?

15:20Because I know I work two weeks, I'll make$25 ,000 and I'm off for two weeks. I know with money coming in, money coming out, it's consistency. With the stand-up shit, it's predicated to ticket sales. So one month I might make$20 ,000,$30 ,000, but then if I'm off for two weeks and I don't go out on shows, you got your ad money and shit coming in, but it's just hard to plan shit. You know what I'm saying? And all it takes is one bad goddamn weekend run of shows, you don't make no fucking money. it's like okay what am I doing so it's always it's a constant grind but it's rewarding because now I'm starting to see the growth of it and so if I can see the potential in the end I'm like okay this makes sense yeah for a while I was like what the fuck do I do I sold my house got like 140 thousand dollars blew through that shit really you know what I'm saying yeah so I was like now looking back I'm like man I wish I'd have I fucking knew what I know now because in that money I could have put that money to good use instead of just fucking you know partying you know and so okay wait but like do you like yeah i mean it's crazy when you think about that because it's like you never really know how long it's going to take for you to like really hit your stride a lot of actors comics etc like might not really become a big deal a household name and so they're like in their 40s if it's like now with social media and shit we're kind of like used to people blowing up relatively quickly but even when you say like that getting to 50 000 followers like we're used to people having to fucking take you know years of their life to like get that kind of following and you got to kind of like overnight just by like having something relatable and interesting to people on socials it can kind of hurt you right because like so i didn't come up that traditional that traditional like open mic route right the first time i got on kill tone was the first time i've ever done stand-up ever like the first time and it just popped off so now i get thrust in situations where i'm having to do 10-15 minutes and then i'm having to go out on the road and do an hour and I don't even have 15 minutes to do.

17:09So I had to learn quick. And because of that, I burned a lot of opportunities because I wasn't ready for them. You see what I'm saying? But no one tells you when to go or how to jump. So just like, I'm not going to wait my turn. I'm fucking 30, you know, 31. I'm like, I ain't got time to fucking be a broke comic. I got to go fucking head in first. Wait, are you able to talk about any of these opportunities that you feel like you might have burned? Just like, I'm getting offered like, you know, big time showcase shows, right? In front of people that can change your life, you know, and shit like that.

17:34And I'm dog shit. I'm not a good stand up. Right. You know, cause I, yeah, I've been funny, but being funny in the garage with their homies is different than being funny on stage. It is, but it ain't, it's formatted different. It's still, you're still in that garage with them homies, but you have to format structure that shit to complete strangers. And it took me a minute to understand, like, I got my voice to talk about how I do like my shit, but like stand up and being funny is different. It's a different type of funny. So. Right. Cause we all know a ton of people that are funny in your day to day life.

18:02But then I've always kind of thought about that throughout my life is like, As funny as I might think this guy is, if he were to get on stage and try to do comedy, I feel like he would just crash and burn. Because I feel like there's so many things that are kind of cushioning the experience when you're just like in a room with your friends, making them laugh. They already like you. They've already decided that you're a reliable person, that they're open to the idea of laughing at. They understand your references. You've got inside jokes, et cetera. And then meanwhile, in comparison, doing stand-up is just everything is stripped away.

18:33they have no reason to side with you they might just fucking hate you they're like might not relate to the things that you're talking about they might think that your timing is weird or you're out i mean there's just like so many little factors that could like go into this not working and i feel like you know sometimes it sounds crazy when i'm listening to rogan and hearing him and these other dudes talk about you know spending years on jokes or on material or whatever but I feel like ultimately there's a reason why so many of the top dudes like are, you know, older and have had to spend years and years and years to put their catalog together.

19:08And we've kind of like seen. You want to impress them on a first date, but also play it cool. So what do you do? I'm Rufy Thorpe, and I wrote and read a real love story about a hinge couple that navigated exactly that. Listen to the free audiobook now. This episode is brought to you by Facebook. So you were scrolling on Marketplace, and there it was, the bike you'd been searching for. You sent a message, and it turned out the seller was super chatty, kind of funny, and an avid cyclist. The next thing you know, you're in a cycling crew. Well, a community cycling group. The thing about Facebook, you might find more than what you're looking for.

19:49From a browse to a bike ride, this summer, find more on Facebook. what it's like when people are sort of fast-tracked into positions that they're not necessarily worthy of and stand up and that's definitely there's a lot of cautionary tales on youtube for sure yeah there's a lot of tiktok people that make that crossover jump and they just fall flat on their face you know because you ain't behind that little camera just talking to whatever you're having to you gotta work on your craft because you can practice music but you can't like really practice stand up until you get on the fucking mic in front of people because i can rehearse that joke in the mirror a thousand fucking times but until i get in that stage i won't know exactly off top i'm just in flow state going and i say uh tight pussy makes me claustrophobic that's why i like them older women you know i've heard you use this bar but that's that's straight up i was just in flow state i've never written that down i never planned to say that it's just when you get in that little groove you find shit and i could do that joke in the mirror a thousand times i never would say that again but just being with them people in front of me and i'm locked eyes with them and i'm looking at that little single mother right there i'm like i'm you know you're just spitting game and like but you don't know that until you get on stage so that's what a lot of people it's repetition it's all it is repetition yeah no definitely but so what was your knowledge of kill tony before you went on there and did it just feel like an instant connection because yo i went on kill tony probably in 2017 maybe 2018 yeah the belly room at the yeah yeah shit and dude it was like fucking like okay so i fucked up on a variety of whiz number one everybody was smoking hella weed like in the back and at that time in my life i was smoking hella weed like if anyone had a blunt i'm hitting the blunt a million times whatever and also oh even on top of that it's like i had had a day that was very stressful where i was dealing with a ton of bullshit and meetings etc so i'm like already kind of not in the best mind state and then i'm backstage with tony and all these other comics we're smoking hella weed and then i get on stage and you're sitting next to tony and red man and they're like the funniest fucking people on earth they're so fast with like somebody the the guy who's coming up to to audition or whatever to do his little bit he he says something fucking red man it just says like the funniest thing that i could never ever imagine in my entire life and I'm way too high.

22:04And my memory is just that I have never felt funnier in my life. I've never been more convinced that comedy was not for me. That being said, I had a good time and everybody was super nice and everything, but I don't think anybody in the crowd or on stage thought, oh, this guy, he's got a future here. It just wasn't. So I feel like I have an idea of how difficult that environment is. That minute, that minute's hard because it's hard to be funny in a minute. You have to take out all the fat. It has to be just punch, line, punch, line, punch, line. And it's a formula. There's a format to it. It's not like regular.

22:39I'd rather do an hour than a minute. Right. You know what I'm saying? So. But that's not. When you go up on stage at Keltoni, you only get a minute. My recollection is that it was a little longer. So you get a minute joke and then they interview you. Right. Right. And the interview is like eight to ten minutes, whatever. And that's where my bread and butter was because I can talk and bullshit all day long. But I didn't know how to write jokes, you know, in the beginning. So that minute takes a little bit to getting used to. Like I said, it's easier to do an hour. Like I do 30 minutes the other night in Vegas.

23:04And that's a weird timeframe that you don't usually do. So like, I'd rather either do 10 or fucking an hour. Cause 30 is like, there's so much shit. How I move into another joke to another joke and transition. It's like, fuck, what do I cut the part out to wrap it up in 30 minutes? You know what I'm saying? So it's all repetition and like consistency, you know? But, um, okay. Okay, so did you just feel like you had an instant connection with them when you first went on Kill Tony? Like it just kind of worked and that they were feeling it? They just ain't never seen nothing like me. Because I wasn't a comic.

23:36I was just fucking old-feel. I'm in my goddamn work boots. I got my goddamn mustache mullet just blowing around the breeze, and I'm just high energy, cocaine energy, and they're just like, who the fuck is this dude? And it just kind of blew up. I mean, it was weird. I mean, it's got to be weird being in the audience for that shit, too, because it's like if the whole episode is like two hours or whatever, then the whole time you're sitting there just knowing that you might have to go at any given moment or you might not. So it might not be your time or it might be, and you're not going to have any warnings.

24:06So you've got to be in go mode sitting there the whole time. Yeah. And it's, and some people drive from fucking Dallas, like three hours away with the hope that they get pulled, you know, because it can change your life. You know, if you do good on the show and have consistency with it, fucking it can launch you. It's a big platform. You know what I'm saying? That was the thing. When I went on it, I don't think it was that big. I think it might have. I don't even think it was in like the six-figure view. Like, I don't think it was getting like a couple hundred grand. Yeah, I don't think they started really, really popping off until he moved to Austin when Rogan and all of them went out there and they followed.

24:38Like, that's when he started, started, oh, shit, this is sold out. It was good. Now it sells out in minutes. Yeah, it definitely didn't feel like it was the biggest thing ever at that time, even though it felt cool and, you know, very, like, had a hardcore organic fan base. But I remember that the people in the crowd and shit that like you could tell some people would be brought up on stage. And it was like the most nerve wracking experience of their life. They're super nervous. And then other people like they've done this 10 times. Yeah. You could have been here like a million times and they're just like used to it.

25:06Yeah. But so wait. Okay. Did they like reach out to you and tell you like, hey, we want to consistently have you be a part of our content or did you just kind of keep going through? Yeah. So like usually they make some people like a regular, you know, or they'll make people like a golden digwater. and he never really did that to me. I just kept showing up and he likes me. You know, we would party and shit and stuff like that. So he's like, you know, come. But then, like I said, like I got on like four or five times, but I wasn't writing. I was just firing from the fucking hip, you know, like, oh, I'll just let me get through the minute.

25:34I'll just bullshit. And then I'll get an interview, the part that I'm good at, you know? And after a while you start learning, you're like, fuck, you can't just fire from the hip. You got to like have jokes and shit. So like, if you want to be an assassin, if you want to be truly a killer and people look at you like, oh, that's the next fucking thing. you gotta race anything in life right because i mean like it's one thing to make normal people laugh i guess and it's another thing when you've got guys like tony up there who have just decoded what a joke is over and over and over in their brain they have the experience of working on material for long periods of time so if anything is gonna like fall on its face and just not make these guys laugh it's for sure just like off the dome sort of silly slapstick type hacky shit street joke shit like they're just gonna be able to sniff it out way faster than somebody like me yeah you go up there and do a fucking you know a knock knock joke you go up there and do some just street joke shit they'll eat you alive like what are you doing you know that's a tough audience but okay wait so you okay so like one clip that i was watching last night before i passed out of you uh doing a a segment for tony and them he kind of started to like criticize you a little bit in the sense that he felt like you were a volatile character in this universe because you'd come through and you'd be doing some drugs and then you'd be doing like something to bring you up and then something to bring you down and like tony was kind of like criticizing the fact that he seemed to feel like you were too nervous and trying to overcompensate with substances yeah there for a while was for a while he nailed it he pretty much got it yeah Your boy was fucking get her to the gills.

27:10You know what I'm saying? Cause it's nerve wracking, you know what I'm talking about? So like, only thing I know how to take a little edge off is get a little shit in my system. You know what I'm saying? So, but then it starts affecting. And then now like where I used to get fucked up before sets now it's like, you know, Hey, let's party after it's done. You know what I'm saying? Cause now I'm like dialed in and I'm like, okay, you know, this is my job. It feels like a party, but this is my fucking job. So I gotta be dialed. You know, I'll do like, I'll drink like two beers, half an Adderall just be in the pocket and cut people up you know what I'm saying but I won't do you know like get fucked up hard liquor all the harder shit till after we're partying you know what I'm saying because it just it's better that way you're more clear-headed you stay more witty you know and shit like that I mean I feel like a small amount of alcohol is reasonable as like a social lubricant but I feel like cocaine is just too volatile like it's just too much of a roller coaster emotionally for you to even get on stage for a half hour or 20 minutes or whatever it's like the person you are going in and then the person you are coming out of 20 minutes while you're doing cocaine like there's just a significant difference in who you're going to be 20 minutes later because that shit is such a yeah you ever been to a bar and somebody's on powder and you're not and they're talking a mile a minute over your fucking head how is this a real person get this fucking guy out of here how do i do this as well like how am i am so you're telling me that i'm like this when I'm doing that shit?

28:30Yeah. Because I don't want to look like that ever. Like, this guy's fucked. Yeah, I've been in that. I haven't done cocaine in like six years. What? I know. It's probably better. And they don't believe it. They think. I don't know why. You see, you have more of a chill vibe. I didn't think you were a big powder guy. Well, right now, I'm just still recovering from this. Yeah. But yeah, I mean, for sure, I used to be. I stopped because there was one night. Oh, it's so epic. There was an orgy that I had in Miami on New Year's 2019 and it was riley reed gina valentina my girl and some other girls and we all went to the club and we were basically doing molly doing coke drinking we end up coming home at like four in the morning everybody's horny i'm the only guy there riley reed had been like lusting after some other dude he wasn't around all the sexual energy got taken out of me and i filmed it and it's on Pornhub and to me it's the hottest thing I ever filmed because the girls are actually like grabbing the champagne bottle and chugging it and shit suck the dicks drink some more champagne it's like the realest shit I've ever seen nothing I've filmed since then has been anywhere near as gangster as this bloated and fuck with your pecker like you didn't like you get like did it fucking make you like because sometimes I don't know I wasn't pushing rope okay okay because I was pushing that's how I judge powder now if I can get my dick heart still on it you know that's what's good to me and one thing with doing the cut like having in the universe like oh that boy does drugs do that them first part of shows that i would have people come to me after the show i'm like hey man i just want to do a bump with uncle laser so i'd have 40 motherfuckers trying to give me a bump i said guys i'm gonna die yeah i said i can't do but then i was like and then i run out of my shit i go all well listen i'll take a bump with you but we're gonna do the king's cup i said you're gonna do a bump first like the king's bear cup drink it for poison before the king would drink it from game of thrones and it and i watched them do it and i said i got to watch you for 15 minutes make sure you don't die for the fentanyl you know and then then i found out later fentanyl take about an hour to kill you so i'm gonna watch this motherfucker die 15 minutes in front of me and i'm just like god damn also they might have like crazy fentanyl tolerance that you just have yeah exactly and i thought i had it one night i thought i was freaking out dying and and i was like well i know i got good cane good cocaine back at miles got broke don't buy from somebody you don't know that's my main rule you know but i did it in my stomach i started puking i go fuck i'm dying so i went to my house like i know i got good powder back at the house and so i did that and felt way better so all right i'm gonna find out ran out i started doing the bad powder again and i had to go to the hospital it turns out it was an ulcer from you know that mexican food and shit but i mean still it scared the shit out of me it wasn't the cocaine cocaine it was the tortillas it was the goddamn tort before the category four tortas you know what i'm saying wait but so how much coke were you doing when you were just a working man before you uh entered into the the comic i mean look it got to the point man like i ain't never really been addicted to nothing uh you know i mean pussy maybe but like but like i'm a point where like i don't really drink at home i don't have alcohol at the house like if i go out i have a couple beers but like i'm telling you two three beers in there's something that flares up it's just like yo because i need it as like hey i don't want to get sloppy like i don't want to get drunk sloppy be a liability you know and that powder keep you like yeah honed in a little bit you know so it became like a necessary evil with the alcohol and it took me a long time to like and i still do it from time to time i'm not gonna say i'm a fucking you know saint but it's to the point where it's like it's just kind of worthless man because you stay up till six in the morning and i don't get shit done during the next day it just it lingers man yeah hangovers fuck me up now man oh yeah two days that's why i stopped wait how old are you right now 34 see i stopped when i was 33 years what's six years ago no 35 okay yeah but yeah same thing with me it's like i i went from like the point where i could party hard in my mid-20s and then be hung over for like the beginning part of the next day yeah to like no it's the whole next day and then kind of like the next day after that too the two-day hangover like oh i could party on a friday night and i'll be feeling normal by like sunday night that was too debilitating it's too much and then also too i and i swear to god i know that that covid this happened because of covid i don't remember a time whenever i'd be that hungover that deathly hungover and just be the horniest motherfucker in the world like if my phone vibrated too close to me i'd fucking go jerk off you hear me yeah like just like if your mom fucking answers my text message i'm putting her through the fucking drywall you know like i don't remember and like dude it just it depletes me for days and i'm just like can't you can't afford it i got shit i need to do and i'm just laying in bed doing especially once you have a career yeah stuff you need to keep doing i got meetings and shit i gotta do yeah so no definitely but wait so yeah because i have memories of like i don't know if you were ever into xanax or anything oh yeah oh yeah okay so that that was the one with me where i would be drinking and doing xanax and then as i sobered up from that like the next day i would be so horny texting really who like just i don't know like just coming out of that would just make me so desperate to fuck somebody there yeah i don't know like that that shit was just ugly too when i think about it like how many times like i would like look at my phone and just kind of be like damn you were hitting her up like what the fuck is wrong with you that was like a part of why i had to leave it alone yeah but um okay so i've met you from like in part at least going to like sort of porn adjacent parties so have you sampled the porn star uh wares and are you thinking about getting into the game yourself so i got a little bit on like because i still want to be a comic now but like you know i do my little podcast like girl came on there and she squirted the other day on there like crossed the room and she's like anybody ever squirted on your podcast i said no but i get a towel who was it uh, Abby Rose, you know, Abby Rose, she was at that Ryan's party.

34:08Yeah. But, uh, but no, I mean, I've done like some little, I did like this little blow job trivia thing on there. We're like me and my boy CJ, we're getting blown. And then like, we got to answer American history trivia questions. And every time we get one wrong, they stop. So it's a race against time. And honestly, it's a perfect balance. Like you can sit and watch it with your homies. You can also jerk off to it if you'd like, you know what I'm saying? Like it was a very cool dynamic. So I like that, the game show aspect of it. yeah it's okay i'm forgetting that when i met you you told me that you had only fans that were banging on there yeah yeah i mean more so now it's kind of become more comedy like culture but like like i vlogged when i was at ryan shit so i'll put all that up there because i can't put that on youtube you know what i'm saying shit like that and in clips from the podcast women doing crazy shit you know but so do you feel like like does having porn content out there does that potentially invalidate certain opportunities as like are you not going to be in the new Ghostbusters because your dick is on OnlyFans.

35:03Well, if it's a fucking Hulu or Disney movie, apparently you can't, they don't like you. I would think that that would matter. But like I remember when I first contemplated start doing it, I was asking some of them higher up comics. I was like, yo, you think so like hurt my brand? And they're like honestly, if it were anybody else, probably but this is kind of on brand of my, you know what I'm saying? Like that's how I would live my life regularly. And that's what I do in my standup. And look, Kim Kardashian, fuck Ray Jane. She's worth fucking a hundred million dollars. So I mean like does it hurt you that bad?

35:29No, just throw a better dick. Yeah, but she also hasn't done porn in like 20 years. It's all where it started. You know what I'm saying? So, I mean, I may not like make it a focal point, but I was talking about the spools of the porn world. Like, yeah, I'll tell you what, I won't say it on her name, but I fucked this older porn star a while back, and we were like hammer drunk. 50s? Yeah, 40s probably. Yeah, and I jerked off this woman forever. You know, so we're doing this. I'm like, I've been called up to the big leagues here, buddy. This is getting ready, you know. And I proceeded to throw the worst dick of my life.

35:59And we just, it was just kind of bad. And I remember I got up in the morning. We just kind of said goodbye. I remember my mom called me. She's like, what's up, baby? I was like, well, I just fucked this woman of my dreams. And it was important. She goes, well, how was it? I said, it was mid as fuck. And then my mom goes, well, yeah, baby, it's her day off. Wait, wait, wait. Okay. So it was mid because. We were both hammered. We had no business. Okay. We're like just drunk. But did she kind of like lay you down in terms of her performance? I mean, we just kind of. Or was it you? It was probably me.

36:28It was probably me. Now that I look, I'm trying to blame it on her. Do you have a weak ass dick at this moment, you think? No, no, I'm good now. I mean, stiff breeze fucking get me going. But yeah, back to, yeah. It's the coke and the drink. It's the coke, man. Right. I'm telling you. Yeah, I feel like I've heard so many different porn star girls tell me that guys come into fucking them with a point to prove and that it just ultimately doesn't really work out for either party. Yeah. That they like, you know, just start going in. They're thinking this chick has fucked all these different dudes.

36:56She's just a legend in this game. I got to give a certain level of performance and then they either can't reach it. But also like if you're really judging your performance as a guy, I mean, let's be real. Most guys when they have sex are not exactly putting on a seminar. You know, most guys, you fuck a girl from a bar, you're banging her for a couple minutes, right? On average. A hundred percent. But I look at it as like, this is the one shot to prove the point. You know what I'm saying? If I throw the good dick here, then it can be mediocre for the end of time. But that one time they'll remember you get one shot, one opportunity, you make one first impression yeah you know so i like to fuck with a suit on really yeah well uh so you won't wear a suit out and then you'll get back to the crib yeah i'll put on a sports jacket and just get after it really yeah and like uh then the dry cleaning bill has got to be kind impressive at a certain point because you're going to get all the yucky pussy juice exactly and it's them amazing people at them dry cleaning place they get pissed when you bring it in there and it's as stiff as like fucking concrete you know they care i feel like that's their job they need to be stoic in the face of they don't they don't tell you anything but they look at you a certain type of way yeah yeah that's true that's that's real but um okay so do you have you banged like a bunch of porn stories just like okay and i've done better since you know what's that like though like in terms of like comparison of like what you thought it was going to be like versus what it was actually like some ups and downs i mean i've had better sex with some retards you know what i'm saying like i mean just like some regular people you know what i'm saying because it ain't like this big yeah i don't know you know some of them and some of them push it like that ph is off i'm like i thought and i know they got to get tested and shit i know it's like a thing and i get but it's just like what are we doing here you know what i'm saying why is it like that you know what i'm saying well you know what's weird is that like the porn star girl is going douche right before like every little boric acid or whatever ain't it they're doing some kind of science experiment getting their bill nye on in the bathroom yeah i don't really know but my mom would like when i was growing up i remember my mom's little shower thing she had a little douche and a bottle of vinegar and i was like what's that and she's like that's how i clean my pussy baby but my mom fucked all the metallica she built different she built ford tough wait you really think she fucked everyone i know she did i got pictures of shit when i was kids yeah of her and metallica i mean she said well not yeah not having you know but just hanging out and it might not even be metallica but it looked like them you know similar bands yeah yeah just an opener you know what i'm saying she had a lannister when she gave birth to me that's why i got this fucking mullet oh man that's but that's traumatic as a kid like i remember i had a friend like i'm from hampshire so it's like we really are not adjacent to famous people at all but i had a friend who when we were 13 maybe his friend maybe his sister was 18 and she had apparently been backstage with eminem which to us as 13 year olds huge the craziest shit ever and like yo like she fucked eminem like we immediately you got exaggerated this to like she fucked eminem realistically probably not hot enough to fuck eminem even though we thought she was kind of hot at the time but that was just so mind-blowing to us because we just had never spent any time around any kind of celebrities the idea of this extremely famous rapper even sitting on the same couch as her was just absolutely mind-blowing but at that time like nobody had photos or anything so social media she probably never met eminem we were probably just rolling with this fucking fake story because we had nothing else to talk about but yeah i don't know i mean that's like it's weird when you get to la in your in your life because all of a sudden you can like kind of have sex with people you've already seen on the internet relatively it's crazy yeah it's crazy but i get like you know and i'm not like on m &m level by no means but you know like i get some you know some women come out of the woodwork at some of these shows and like my biggest fear is like if they say no like i get that shit and i'm like hey oh yeah cool i'll roll over and go to sleep because My worst fear is like someone doing that me too.

40:39Cause like I'm a Southern Gentile man. I was raised by a single mom. If you say no, I get it. But I've got buddies in this game that like, they got fucked bad, you know, just on just stupid shit. And I'm just like, now if, if, you know, woman brought me breast milk the other day at a meet and greet and I had to drink it. Cause I mean, it'd be impolite, but I'm just like, there's some weirdos out there, Adam. So you were thinking that maybe you would get canceled or something if you didn't drink the breast milk. Yeah. It'd be rude. Yeah. Yeah, but I mean, if you didn't sleep with the woman, then I feel like you'd be all right.