Little Fish: I've Booked Us In A Lovely Toilet

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1:13Anna Ptaszynski:Hello and welcome to another episode of Little Fish. My name is Andrew Hunter-Marie and I'm joined by James Harkin and Anna Tujinski to present a selection of your best facts. You, the audience, you've been emailing podcast.qi.com, by gum you have been, and you've been And we've got some facts that we're going to be telling you now. Who's got a fact? Please, someone stop this introduction. I'll stop it. I've got a fact. Yeah. It's from Manuel Funk. Or Funk, maybe. But there's not a little couple of dots. An umlaut. Huge fact. Thank you, an umlaut. Could be a diuresis, depending on the word. But diuresis is a more embarrassing word to say, isn't it?

1:51Yeah, yeah.

1:52Anna Ptaszynski:I've got diuresis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He says, I'm a huge fan of the show. Thank you, Manuel. and he's got a fact that sounds like it was scripted by a lazy novelist, he said, but apparently we mentioned German. Why did you not give yourself this one, Andy? Okay, that's rude. Andy's new book is out soon. The recently dismissed coach of Fortuna Dusseldorf is named Markus Anfang, which translates to beginning, and he's been replaced by Alexander Ender. And Andy, you speak German. Do you know what Ender is? I think I do, yeah. end it's end beginning and end so there we go and then he said as an added fun fact Marcus Anfang is no stranger to strange headlines in 2021 he was fired because he'd faked his COVID vaccine that's just a little is that fun he'd faked a vaccine yeah well he might have just had the little piece of paper that says you've had it and then written it down yeah sorry he hadn't injected you've got to go to a lot of effort to fake a whole like fake a vaccination centre fake a letter star fake a queue he did the paper yeah he didn't inject himself with saline solution wow okay good numbers of determinism we like to collect that yeah it's interesting because normally you send me the funny football names Andy yeah I think you might have one I do can I read it quickly while we're on the subject yeah this came from Roy Mundy and we've done a fact about West Brom managers being called Ron Don Ronnie Ron Ronnie and Ron yes but he said in 1969 Aston Villa had three midfielders on their books jimmy brown barry hole and oscar arse this meant their midfield was brown arse the hole and i would just like to say to roy that i would pronounce his name oscar arse and i'm fairly confident that that's how everyone pronounced it at the time that's amazing though but james the mispronouncing for comic effect is now a long established fish tradition, I think.

3:53I thought it was your trademark. I just wish I was a commentator in the 1960s. And it's brown arsehole!

4:03Anna Ptaszynski:You'd be lynched at the time, wouldn't you? For being that rude on air. As in, would you not? You'd be in huge trouble, I guess. You'd be sacked. You're only reading people's names. Just reading their names, Your Honour. What about Uwe Fuchs? The German, well-known German. There was a famous footballer whose name is basically Fuchs. Yeah. that's true. There's been lots of funny names. What about Areola, the goalkeeper? Areola's not rude. It's a bit rude. What? Areola Grande. She's rude. There's always, whenever he messes up because he's a goalkeeper, they always say he made a bit of a tit of himself.

4:39That's funny. That's very good. It's a mean name to give your kid. There's no questioning that. It's his surname. Yeah.

4:48Anna Ptaszynski:That makes sense. Here's one from Lachlan Harris. This is about, there's an American chain of membership warehouse stores. You know those things where you have to be a member, but you go and you get big discounts, right? Oh, I know what you mean. Yeah, yeah. Is it a cash and carry? Yeah, we have them in the UK for sure. So there's a chain that started in the 70s in the USA and it's called Price Club. And that is because it was founded by Sol Price. Oh, Jesus. Here we go. And Price Club was later bought by Costco, but then Sol Price was forced out and he then started Price Smart. which is with his friend Julie Smart do you think there's diminishing returns of these things Andy because I think they rather diminished after the first week that's interesting I think like Stuart Lee I'm going to keep going and as long as they're flooding into the inbox and they are it's just half the inbox is now these I have to say it's not diminishing returns for me because I've obviously arrived at the very tail end when everyone else is rolling their eyes they're going to kill themselves when you say it You think it's the tail end.

5:51We've got further to run. Do you know where a snake's tail begins? Because it's not right at the very end. We're just at the neck bit, which is also the tail. This is a very, very long tail. I'm afraid so. I can handle it. Well, let's have another fact. All right, I'll give you another fact. Actually, this is one of my favourite facts I've ever heard. So this is sent in by Sam Cornish, but he or she, Sam could be either, and you haven't specified, and you've got two daughters, but that doesn't tell me your sex.

6:16Anna Ptaszynski:No, it doesn't. because men can have daughters too. Wow, you're such a feminist, Emma. I know, right? Just say they. So they, thank you, they wrote in saying, because it plays in the car when I'm driving, my two - Well, all of them, including the daughters. Jesus Christ. This one person said, because it plays in the car while I'm driving, my two daughters, Charlotte, who's 11, and Harriet, who's eight, have got into facts and jokes. I don't know where they're getting the jokes from, but they'll always request to put the podcast on, and they've recently learned some facts about guinea pigs and wanted me to send this in.

6:50And this is the fact which I didn't know and is extraordinary. They poo while they're eating up to a thousand times a day. But if they aren't eating, they can't poo. That's awkward. And guinea pigs' digestion seems to work. It's like if you shove something through a tunnel. So if you put it in your mouth, it pushes something out the bottom. But as soon as you stop putting something in the mouth...

7:09Anna Ptaszynski:Like how electrons go through a wire. Yeah. Or how my brain works. Something go in, something go out. As Homer Simpson said It's like when I went to that wine tasting event And I forgot how to drive

7:24Anna Ptaszynski:That's very cool Gosh, human society would be completely different Wouldn't it? Restaurants would be very different Well, public toilets would be Because you would go to a public toilet And you know when you go in and you first check If there's any toilet paper You'd actually be first checking that there was a hot dog machine What was the point of a toilet? Because you don't need the loo, surely. You don't need the loo until you go into the toilet and eat the hot dog. Yeah, but these hapses don't just say, okay, I've got the optimum amount of food and waste in my body now, so I'm just not going to eat or go to the loo.

7:58Anna Ptaszynski:No, I guess. I don't know how they know they need the loo, though. You'd get hungry, wouldn't you? Restaurants would have to come with porcelain under every table, under every chair. They'd be the same thing. There would be no toilets and no restaurants. They'd be the same. And the thing is, what would we focus on? Would we call them restaurants and toilets disappear? Or would toilets just be the places we went with friends in the evening? I've booked us in a lovely toilet. I've booked us in a really nice toilet. But I'm not hungry. Because you're a guinea pig, mate. Yeah, so thank you, Charlotte and Harriet.

8:30That's fantastic. That's a great fact. I have a fact that I've been trying to push on you guys for months and you've never gone with it. So I don't think we're ever going to do it. But there was a geneticist. His surname was Sewell. I can't remember his first name. but he did lots of work with guinea pigs and he would always carry guinea pigs with him wherever he went and when he was lecturing he would keep them under his armpits to keep them nice and warm and one time he was doing a lecture and absentmindedly took one of the guinea pigs out from under his armpit and started rubbing out the chalk from the board with it what the hell there's too many things about that that's probably why we've never gone with it I love it they go all the time.

9:12You wouldn't be able to hear anything he said.

9:14Anna Ptaszynski:Especially if they're being squeezed in an armpit, I guess. That's a real pressure point. You know, you'd have to have your arms quite... He must have been quite muscular to have his arms a bit further out because I keep my arms by my sides. He must have had an extra bit of shoulder that poked out a bit further and then his arms fell down from that and left a gap. Have you ever eaten guinea pig? No. No. But I've never been to South America. I have. You've done both? Both, yeah. One corresponded with the other. But yeah, I did eat guinea pig and only a little bit from my wife's plate because I didn't feel like I could order it myself.

9:48And it was not very nice. And that's the end of the anecdote, really. Good anecdote. It's very greasy. Bony, that's what people always say about small animals. Yeah, the meat wasn't so bony, more the bones. Okay, that makes sense.

9:58Anna Ptaszynski:Yeah, those are tiny steaks, aren't they? Yeah. You'd have it maybe in a ragu or something. But on its own, it's a bit of a sad proposition, I think. Partly because they give love and happiness to so many children the world over. They're a burden. All parents wish they could be eaten by the end of the week But in Peru, they are eaten all the time Street food Like crisps Shall I do one? Let's do another You were talking about driving With this family who go driving and listen to fish Here is one about someone driving as well This comes from Ferrari Dawn And they said that in August 2026 200 metres of New Zealand State Highway 1 Will be shipped to Singapore for repairs what that's a long way actually i wonder if we should ship our potholes there though well the actual thing is that they're talking about the ferry that links the north and south islands through the cook strait and legally it's considered a road and they're in disrepair at the moment the ferries and so they're sending them to singapore to be fixed lovely legally it's a road the ferry it's a road yeah wow that's cool isn't that's really cool that feels like sat nav could have some real cock-ups there if your roads isn't present yeah the roads moved yeah because like a lot most people i think or a lot of people would fly between the north and south islands but obviously if you can't do that or if you're taking lots of um like the person who wrote in ferrari dawn is a trucker actually wrote this email while staring at mount dune wow which is the big mountain in the middle of the North Island.

11:32From Lord of the Rings? Yeah. It's filmed there. And basically, you would have to go across the Cook Strait. But it is, we've been to Wellington. It's the windiest city in the world. It's a very, very dodgy place to cross.

11:45Anna Ptaszynski:The last time we were there on tour, I went for a jog. Oh, yeah? And I thought it was very windy. That is a great anecdote, Andy. Well, is it worse than the, I ate a bit of a guinea pig once? Just say you got that over. I think it is, really. because how many of the listeners do you think have ever been for a jog? How many of them have eaten guinea pig? So what I'm hearing is that mine was relatable and yours was esoteric. You can't say a relatable anecdote. Do you know what? I got up in the morning and everyone else is going, me too. That story kills in a live setting. I promise. I played golf when we were last in Wellington and golf is a game where you really do not want it to be windy.

12:25It's very, very difficult. Still not relatable, see? And yet it works.

12:31Anna Ptaszynski:Right, here's another one. This is from an anonymous source. I don't know why, but the fact is this. Miami University is located in Oxford. Miami University is located in Oxford. Miami is a... There's a public research university called Miami University, which is in Oxford. In the UK? No. Oxford is in Ohio. Okay, Miami is in Florida. Which Miami University is not. Man, the Americans, they're messed up But it's also in Luxembourg It has an outreach centre in Luxembourg What? Miami University Is it the Luxembourg that's in Luxembourg Or there is actually a larger area of Luxembourg That is in Belgium, I think Oh, is that so?

13:14I think so

13:14Anna Ptaszynski:What called Luxembourg? Yeah, yeah No, this is in Luxembourg, Luxembourg But this is Miami University in Oxford, Ohio Miami, of course The place Miami in Ohio Is named after the Miami people Who came from Florida Miami Indiana, Michigan and Ohio What? What? Well they were originally Also called the Twatwa So I think Miami is a better name That was the Ayatollah's Death wish against you Wasn't it?

13:46I miss you the Twatwa Against Andrew Hunter Murray We all wish we could

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14:28Okay, another one? Yes. This is from someone called Big Puna from California. First name Big, second name Puna, I can only imagine. I'm writing to you about the eucalyptus trees in California, lots of them. And apparently they're just one big scam. so in california they needed loads of timber in the 19th and 20th century and someone started a rumor he says the geniuses in australia started rumors about how amazing eucalyptus trees were for building because there are loads of eucalyptus trees in australia okay so i guess they managed to get this rumor spreading that you should buy ours they're really good for building they're not they're rubbish i think eucalyptus is quite soft but very soft wood so they sent the bunch over imagine how nice your house would smell though that's really good you'd never get a cold well yeah worth it even if you are in a three little pigs kind of fable a year later when the wolf's blown it down but yeah there's eucalyptus trees now all over california um it's kind of known for them smells of it because they were meant for building it turns out you can't build anything out of them

15:31Anna Ptaszynski:so that's great a lot of antipodean stuff today australia new zealand oh yeah i've got something related to ireland oh yeah the roman catholic church says gluten-free communion wafers cannot transubstantiate into the body of Christ. What? Gluten free? Gluten free. Why? Is that the special ingredient? You have to have gluten in it. That's where Jesus is. He must be hiding in the gluten. It's very exciting to isolate the God particle and it's gluten. Yeah. Screw Higgs boson guys in Switzerland. All we need was the Pope apparently. That's huge. Are you serious? So celiacs can't swap it off? Exactly.

16:08End of heaven. The reason I mention Ireland is because there's a very high proportion of celiacs in Ireland And obviously a lot of Roman Catholics as well. So this is a particular problem there. So they do sell gluten-free hosts that have got so little gluten in that you can legally call them gluten-free. And even the worst celiacs hopefully won't be too affected by them. So if you saw them on the shelves, it would say gluten-free. But they call them low-gluten because if you call them gluten-free, the priests will say, oh, it's gluten-free, so we can't use this. This is insane.

16:42Anna Ptaszynski:I would have thought that one wafer for most people would not cause an issue. If you're celiac. If you're celiac, is it really bad? So my dad is celiac and it's poison to him, basically. There must be moments when you're debating things as the Catholic Church, when you're writing down and how much exact gluten should there be in the wafer, where you go, this must be a bit bullshit now. What are we doing? Well, I've got good news. There is a loophole. And that is that you can take the body of Christ just as the blood of Christ and it's all the same. So you can just have the wine. lovely stuff but you have to make sure like usually during transubstantiation they break some bread and put it in the wine like when they're doing all the rigmarole okay so you have to make sure that hasn't happened and also that there's no contamination with other people so you kind of need your own hip flask god it must be so annoying when the celiac guy rocks up to church oh yeah but if you're an alcoholic and a celiac and you're or a child or a child yeah so what what happens with the wine that is that is that alcohol free communion wine.

17:41Anna Ptaszynski:No, it's not allowed to be alcohol free either. So it's alcohol and gluten. I feel really like we've made progress with the whole thing today. Jesus lives in the alcohol and the gluten. Yeah. Cool. Well, no, it makes complete sense now, actually. You'd think for omnipresence, you'd also be in the non-gluten. I didn't really know what the non-gluten bit is of a wafer. Well, gluten is just the protein that holds it together. I didn't know what gluten was either. I'm glad I lured you into explaining what gluten is. You could have just asked. No, no, no. I hate the way you do this, Adley. Instead of asking, people questions and like when you're lost and you're driving you're like oh i just um is i just wonder if there's a place nearby called stockton uh and then someone goes there oh yeah it's just down the road there and third on the left ah tricked you yeah yeah yeah yeah they feel like the idiots while we're driving can i give you one more fact yeah last one last one ari toons sammonson Right, during the Second World War Citroen Big French car manufacturer Another Umlaut Yes, Citroen Was forced to manufacture T-45 Trucks for the German military Right, you seized the factory or whatever But sabotaged them In an unbelievably ingenious way How?

18:55They put the R And the number 5 on the gearbox In the wrong place Oh my god, that's a good idea. Because every time you think you're going into the top gear, you actually go into reverse.

19:05Anna Ptaszynski:And then the engine just jumps out of the bonnet and you fall. Yeah, yeah. Do you know what? That's a really good idea. They painted fake tunnels on the side of cliffs. That's it.

19:17No seatbelts. Oh, that's good. A trick. Is that a trick? Yeah, people were like, we can't drive these. They swapped all the umlauts on the Citroen for diarrhea. Yep, that's it.

19:33Anna Ptaszynski:Your first one James was actually Extremely close Something about reverse Just a little thing of the design That actually makes it really hard to drive So this is what they did They have dipsticks Showing how low the level of oil is In the engine They simply moved the notch That marked full Several points down So you'd fill it up to the point where it looks like it's full But the dipstick has been altered And actually there's not nearly enough oil in the engine and then it breaks down. That would work, but I mean, I've literally never checked my oil and I haven't broken down yet. So they can go for a few years, can't they?

20:08My first car, I never checked the oil and it did break down. Actually, it cost me a thousand pounds to get a new engine. And when I got the new engine, they said, yeah, you should have checked your oil. Okay. So some people would be scuppered by it. I was a Nazi though. Vichy France. Yeah. I think co-drivers must be changing the oil for me, actually, come to think of it. Also, I've got an electric car. Right. Yeah.

20:30Anna Ptaszynski:I mean, checking checking something um yeah anyway i just thought that was an ingenious trick and that brings us to the end of your facts but now we're going to dish out some facts to you because if you join clubfish patreon.com slash clubfish at friend of the podcast level you will become the sponsor the uh owner the curator of one of our headline facts in perpetuity And we're going to dish out a bunch of those right now So let's get into it Who's got a fact they want to give out to a curatee? I have got one This is now under the curatorship of Joseph Levin Any relation to the character from Anna Karenina?

21:11We don't know I fancy your brother, Joseph Can I just say a curatee, I think, is the fact Yep Cool, just checking I'm sure Tolstoy would find that very attractive as well And actually, it's a literary fact It is that J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis once went to a party dressed as polar bears. It was not a fancy dress party. Brilliant. I can't remember the story behind that. I think they were just pranksters, weren't they? Yeah.