No Such Thing As A Litter Box In The Sahara

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1:34Hello and welcome to another episode of No Such Thing as a Fish, a weekly podcast this week coming to you live from the London Podcast Festival.

1:47My name is Dan Schreiber. I am sitting here with Andrew Hunter Murray, James Harkin and Jamie Morton. And once again, we have gathered around the microphones with our four favorite facts from the last seven days. And in no particular order, here we go. Starting with fact number one, and that is Jamie. Iconic thespian Beerbohm had a walk-on part in every single production at the Gielgud Theatre in London's West End for 20 years. And fittingly, had a front page obituary in the stage newspaper. he was also a cat

2:28I know what a hag I'm sorry that is a thespian cat that is yeah for people listening on the podcast next week or whenever it goes out can you describe the cat to us Jamie we've got a tabby cat he's male and he's lounging on stage at the Gielgud looking very happy with himself beautifully lit it's black and white it's very it sounds like a headshot but it's a full body, chaise long kind of look. That little, is that a foot or a tail? It's like saying, paint me like one of your French cats. It's giving that energy, isn't it? Oh yeah, yeah. That's what it is. Same opulence as well around it in terms of the architecture.

3:05Yeah, I mean, I love this cat. So - I'm not gonna lie. I fell in love with him this week. Never heard of him before, but now I love him. So when you say walk and roll in all the plays, was that official? Like was he written into - No. He was - So he was the resident - Is it like Mouser? Yeah, Mouser. That's a name that they caught the mice. And he just would like randomly walk on stage during productions, which being a theatre director, I find chilling because you work so hard to kind of make a show good. Then some fucking cats just like wandering in front of everyone. And what did the actors think of it?

3:41Were they... Well, the actors like loved this cat, like almost uniformly. I think there wasn't a single actor who didn't love Beerbohm. because he is, as I said, a total hag. I mean, look at him. But yeah, he was loved, and people got very attached to him, so much so that he had this obituary on the front page of the stage newspaper, and people like Penelope Keith wrote obituaries for him, like loads of actors kind of got involved. The stage, I hadn't heard of the stage. Is that like the main, main thing that you can get on him? The Bible. Dan, honestly. Come on, mate. No, I had actually heard of it.

4:19I was just being them for a second. Them! They've heard of it too. Oh, so it is just me. It's a great newspaper, yeah. No, it is. It's a great newspaper. It's behind a paywall, but it's great. Okay, a lot of people did love Beerbomb, but Beerbomb would arrive on stage at moments that weren't necessarily good for a scene. There was one play that was on which was called The House of Bernard Alba, which had a lot of sand all over the stage. Oh, no. Which to Beerbomb was the ultimate pooing ground. It was, so that was not good, right? Those moments. Not good for who? He loved it. It adds realism to the play.

4:57Oh, yeah. Depends where it's set. If it's set in the pitiless desert of the Sahara, it actually, I would say, kills the mood a bit to have a house cat. Fair enough. Some people think it's good luck for a cat to be on stage. And in America, at least, there was a superstition that if a black cat came into the theater, that was really good luck. And if it came on the first night, that was really really good luck and the whole show was going to be amazing right and so the fifth avenue theater in new york used to keep a black cat backstage and then on the first show of every run they would throw it out there so that it was on stage and that was good luck and the reason you said mouser a second ago jamie the reason that cats used to be very very important in theater is because back in the day food being thrown on stage to show your displeasure or pleasure in a play was a massive thing so at the end of every night food was just everywhere all over the stage which brought in the mice and mice were a huge huge problem so theaters would have sometimes up to 20 cats roaming around catching mice if they had problems but a lot of those cats will lie on their cvs you know you've you've put down here you also do birds is that true oh yeah yeah yeah yeah because actually beer bone was on the payroll i read he was officially listed on the Gielgud payroll, which, as a former accountant, I think brings up a whole host of problems.

6:16Like, who pays the national insurance on that? Yep. I wonder who his agent was. I don't know. Someone bloody good. 15 % of a cat. And apparently, he would disappear from time to time. According to Dame Hilda Brackett, he would dash off to see a particular friend at the Lyric Theatre. His girlfriend? Yep. She said, we used to hear lots of meows. This was Soho, after all. I love it. Do you think all of, because most West End theaters have cats, as you said. Yeah. I think they're all mates. Do you think they just like all meet up at like, Oh, that's a cute, after each show, they're like, God, you should have seen the performance.

6:50I'm like, oh shit. Well, lots of theaters did have cats, didn't they? So the Noel Coward Theater had two cats, imaginative called Girl Cat and Boy Cat. And I think Boy Cat only ever distinguished himself once when he ate Princess Margaret's bouquet. Is that a euphemism? No, it's not. It's a bloody good one, isn't it? Yeah, apparently he also escaped off stage during a performance of a musical, Five Guys Named Moe, and he would go under the stage and he would only come out when someone tap-danced over him. Right. There was a cat called Ambrose at the Theatre Royal Jewelry Lane, which I think you've performed at.

7:30Oh, yeah. We have, yeah. And this cat got into a beef with Michael Crawford. He kept upstaging Michael Crawford, and Michael Crawford had no sense of humour about this. Is Michael Crawford the original Phantom? Yes. But was he also Frank Spencer? Yeah, Frank Spencer. Oh, that guy. Yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah. A varied career, I think we'll agree. I was going to say, yeah. But then, and so Michael Crawford was like kicking off about this cat, but every single person in the theatre took the cat's side. What does that say? Wow. Yeah. I read about one that was at the Sadler's Wells. It was called Sadler the Cat, and Sadler in 1956 just suddenly disappeared.

8:09But unlike the other cats who would come on unprompted, Sadler actually had a role in a play. So in the stage magazine, they had an advert to audition for a new cat for the show. And I found the advert. It said, Owing to the dramatic disappearance of Sadler, official theatre cat at the Wells, the important feline role in the forthcoming production of School of Fathers falls vacant. Auditions will be held. Applicants must be fully grown and capable of maintaining dignity and poise atop a 10-foot high wall, despite the distractions of a full operatic orchestra and audience laughter and applause, the chosen artiste will receive, for her service, one sardine and two complimentary tickets per performance.

8:48Wow. And did you see who got the part? No. It was a cat called Keats. And according to the Daily Telegraph, he beat off tough composition from cats called Fantasia, Nimbus, Clot, and Mr. Woodbury Bentley. and they had two auditions. In the second audition, he jumped off the wall that he was sitting on and then walked over to the bar and started knocking down bottles, and they decided this was a perfect cat for the theatre. You know, this is exactly what the old actors would do. Lovely. Yeah. So good. How can you cast a cat in a play? They famously don't play ball. Well, they play with balls, but you know what I mean?

9:27Yeah, I know. They're hard to direct, I would imagine. Yeah, dogs, I think, do get a look in sometimes on the West End. I was trying to find other animals that have been in West End productions. So there was a Guardian report in 2001 that there was a production of The Taming of the True, which had an entire cast of chickens. And I cannot find out whether it was like a whole flock of chickens and a human cast, or whether it was an entire cast of chickens. But weren't they all fired, I think? They were sacked, yes, apparently for being too hysterical. Again, I don't know what the... Hysterical chickens!

9:58I can't imagine how hysterical they got when they were told they were fired. It's big in the room. Guys, we're going to have to let you go. By the way, Beerbomb, the cat. Do you guys know why it's called Beerbomb? There was a famous actor called Beerbomb, but I don't know anything about it. Yeah, he was a theater manager. He was an actor as well. His name was Sir Herbert Beerbomb Tree. And he founded RADA, the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art. Yeah. And he's a pretty amazing character. He released a few records. He did Hamlet's To Be or Not To Be on vinyl. That's pretty cool. Just releasing his own stuff.

10:32And also, randomly, in the play Cats, there is a reference which is said to Gus from Jellium. Is that the name of the cat in it? The line is, he's acted with Irving, he's acted with tree. Cats, I'm so glad we're on Cats. So thing one, when you think about it, Cats is an anagram of cast. Okay. And? Well, it just makes you think, doesn't it? Yeah. It's also an anagram of act. Oh my God. I was so pleased with myself Cast I then got to stack But without the cake Nah End the thought there Oh that's brilliant Is that it? That was the fact That was the fact He messaged us saying I've got some amazing stuff on Cats That I need to say on stage I spent six hours reading about the musical Cats Because I knew you had a Cats fact And that was it Well I just wanted to introduce yours Yeah go on Okay well I have quite a good one about Cats The musical Do you?

11:30Okay. Yeah. For its Broadway run, they used over 49 ,000 condoms. Oh, sorry. Yeah. Can we guess why? Dench.

11:45Sadly, Dench ruptured her Achilles so couldn't perform in Cats, although she was originally cast. She was meant to be. She was originally cast in Cats. Yeah, why do you think they used so many condoms? To stop things from getting wet is my first thought. What sort of thing? Who smuggled drugs for the cast? You're on the right lines, James. Yeah, to protect something. Okay. Oh, is it for... So a lot of preppers will use condoms to store water because a condom, like a water balloon, can hold gallons of water. Absolutely not. If you ever go to Dan's for dinner, he offers still sparkling or tasting of spermicide.

12:31Sorry Andy Cats have claws Don't they Yes So it's to protect The claws In transit And they had 49 ,000 Well real cats Have claws This is a show With people Alright put us Out of memory Go on Well basically You were right James It was to protect Their microphone packs Because they were sweating So much Because it's a dance show They're dancing so much They would put their mic packs In condoms 49 ,000 Yeah So after each show They would just like Tip loads of condoms In the bin outside Oh, Lord. A sweaty show. While we're on Andrew Lloyd Webber, there's another cat connection, which is the fact that Phantom of the Opera now has a sequel.

13:09Many, many years ago, Lloyd Webber was working on that sequel, and he was writing it with Frederick Forsyth, the author. Day of the Jackal, that kind of thing. Yeah, exactly. So they were writing it. He'd written all the music, and he had it on his electric piano. And then one day he sat down to write a new song, and his kitten, called Otto, stepped on the keyboard and erased the entire score. and so we never got it. The main thing about Cats, surely, is the movie, the amazing movie that came out a few years ago. Oh, yeah. That was really the start of the pandemic, I think. It was right at the start of the pandemic, wasn't it?

13:40I don't think we're claiming it caused the pandemic. I don't know. No, but it made it seem a lot longer. We knew something bad was in the air when Cats came out. And the big thing about that is the CGI bumholes that all the cats had. Wow. Oh, what's that? Well, is it true or not? Because that is urban myth. Is it true? It's urban myth. So someone tweeted a guy called Jack Waz. I mean, that sounds like an honest man, doesn't it? Jack Waz. The thing is, James, you go to such impeccable lengths to source all of your facts. Like, James goes deep into newspaper archives from 200 years ago. But he will also sometimes throw in, like, at Jack Waz as a source.

14:19At Jack Waz is the New York Times of our day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He said that a VFX producer friend of a friend was hired to get rid of the bum holes, right? But then the Daily Beast online magazine found a VFX person and they said it was true. And they were definitely someone who worked on the show. And they said what had happened was actually the way that visual effects worked is they had a very special way of the fur being made. And the fur would go in little holes like your hair does. You know you have walls in your hair. and so they had them on all the cats and it just so happened that if you got any of them from a certain angle, it looked like they had female genitalia or an anus and they had to employ one person who basically it was their job to go through looking for the bum holes and then getting rid of them That's such a high pressure job as well You've got to catch every single one, you know?

15:14It's true Like Pokemon I love it They could catch all of the bumholes But not Judi Dench's wedding ring Which is on throughout the fucking first As like an old cat So he got all of the rings but one

15:34So it's time for fact number two And that is my fact My fact this week is that At one of the oldest bathhouses in Japan Visitors have the option Of soaking in hot water cold water electric water or condom water

15:57we need to call them and suggest that no the final one there are many others but the other one is radioactive water ooh people also drink this water so it turns out I thought this was going to be unique to this one place in Japan which is radium onsen and onsen is a word that means bathhouses in japan that use hot spring water and they take natural source water and and they and they use that there's there's something like 25 000 hot spring sources in japan that are used they're everywhere yeah and and 3 000 onsen establishments all over japan so it's a real big thing there and so like the electric water that you would sit in um that actually sends mild electric currents through the water as you're sitting in it and people describe it as like being tickled by lightning as you're trying to relax how relaxing yeah well yeah um well they see these baths not as necessarily completely relaxing it's all about rejuvenation it's all about health and so on and so radioactive water radium water is a thing it's not it's not bad for you is it is it like the quantities are really really small the quantities are less than you would get if you were on an on a flight for example but that's flight you know if we get hit by radioactive you know flares from space as you're on a flight.

17:12So, James, quick, jump in. What? There is radiation that comes from space, and the closer you are to it, the less space. It's a flight. I'm not Katy Perry. But it means it is.

17:27There's less of the atmosphere to block it out when you're further up. It's the basics. But if you're on a plane all the time, it'll be bad for you. Like an air hostess or a pilot, for example. Yeah. And it's bad for you. They do get a bit more. What the hell are you talking about? They said that, like, it's safest way to travel. No? But if you live in Cornwall, there's radiation there, too. Oh, my God. Is there? Yeah. But here's some good news. You should get a lead box at the end of this. So there is radiation in Cornwall. Like, Cornwall has more background radiation than anywhere else, but we all have a little bit.

17:58And a normal person would get two to three millisieverts of radiation in a year. But there's a place called Ramsar in Iran that has the highest radiation anywhere in the world. It's because they have hot springs and radiation underground and it comes up. And they get 260 millisieverts per year, which is more than 100 times what a normal person would get. But actually, the cancer incidence there is lower than any of their neighbors. And what people think is the people who live there, they have a higher proportion of what's called T cells. Remember in COVID, they said T cells, it's like helps your immune system.

18:33Well, it turns out that people there have got a higher proportion of T cells. and it's a thing called hormesis, which is the idea that very small, low doses of something that would otherwise be harmful can actually make you stronger. And it is really, I mean, I'm not saying everyone should go out now and get as much radiation as possible, but it is genuine science. You'll have a great time. That's amazing. Yeah. That really is amazing. It's very cool. So as I was saying a second ago, these are massive in Japan and I was trying to find more information about this very specific one in Osaka and the best place I could find out about it was a website called tattoofriendlyonsen.com and this is so interesting because in Japan when you go to an onsen largely it's separated so men will go into one place women will go to another you have to be naked you've got to be completely naked and the problem is in Japan if you have tattoos you're not allowed to go and show your tattoos in these places because of the Yakuza so a lot of foreigners arrive and Yakuza are the gangsters yeah the mafia basically Yeah, who are tattooed, typically.

19:35Yeah, exactly. And so if you arrive and you've got like, you know, like eternity, I love cherry, you know, whatever on your face. It's so revealing knowing what you would have gone for, Dan. I don't want to talk about my actual tattoos. Okay, I will. So thug life across your tummy. They won't let you in because of the Yakuza thing. So this website basically lists all of the onsens that you can go to and that will allow you in. Do you think the pork broth onsen would be one of those tattoo-friendly ones? I think it might be. Yeah, this is amazing. This is... There's a place... Well, it's the pork broth hot tub.

20:13It's the Unisense Bar. And they have a massive ramen bath, basically. And it's just slightly porky hot water. It sounds amazing. Is the noodles in there? Well, they dangle above you a huge sculpture that looks like a pair of chopsticks holding noodles. So it looks like you're about to be... It's like you're a soft-boiled egg. It's like you're a... And if you've seen my physique, I am like a soft-boiled egg, basically. But they've got a green tea bath. They've got a sake bath, which is very slightly sake. It's obviously not all sake because that'd be hugely expensive. They've got a coffee bath, which does not look appetizing.

20:49It looks really gross. It's safe if you have the runs, isn't it? Oh, yes. Yeah. That sounds amazing. I'd love to go there. It does look cool. That sounds awesome. I have been to an onsen, a few in fact, in Japan. Really? There's a thing in Japan called Hadaka no Tsukiai, which means naked camaraderie. And the idea is everyone gets naked, you're all together in a big sort of jacuzzi with no bubbles, and it means you're all emotionally together, open, honest. That's the idea behind it. And I must admit, I went in, ran in, had a bath, came out, and went back to my room as quickly as I could. Oh, you didn't have any...

21:29It's not very communal for you then. I don't speak Japanese. But there are other ways of communicating. Yeah, but naked charades at the best of times is difficult. Just to hark us back to the last fact, did you know that Andrew Lloyd Webber has a 30-person hot tub? That's disgusting. Does he? So is a 30-person hot tub meaning everyone gets a slot on the outer wall? What's the alternative? Like school bus format where it's like six by four? like what's the yeah there's an aisle down the middle tickets please chicken and fish nuts no we don't have any i can just can see yours um no i yeah i don't know what yeah i think i think it must be everyone gets a bit of wall otherwise you're just bobbing about in the middle feeling like a like a lemon yeah i hate that bit yeah oh yeah yeah bobbing there There is a spa in the southern island of Japan, Kyushu, and it opened up, I think, in 2017.

22:27They'd announced it with big fanfare the year before. They said, this is going to be a... Actually, it wasn't a spa. It was a spa-themed amusement park, and they released some images of basically a roller coaster that's full of bath roller coaster. Okay. Well, you're in a little bath, and that's your... Yeah. You know you get in the carriage, and it's a bath. Wow. And you're in a spa. That sounds fun. They were not sure at the time if it could be done, if it was beyond the ken of humanity, but they did it. So you're in a compartment that is a jacuzzi, basically. I think they didn't quite crack the full rollercoaster bar.

23:03Yeah. Because that would have been very heavy, obviously. And it would spill a lot, surely. It would spill a lot, yeah. It's like an opposite log flume. The water's in. If you're really unlucky, you'll be dry at the end of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All the people waiting on the side go, oh. Yeah. Yeah, that's very interesting. There's another one, which I wonder if that's there as well, where you have an option of arriving, and they bury you up to your neck in sand, and it's quite hot sand so that you can get whatever, you know, holistic therapy. So have you ever done any sort of odd pampering things like this?

23:38That you're willing to admit to? No. I was quite intrigued by the beer baths that you can do. You know, in Europe, in the Czech Republic, they're quite popular now. you just like bathe in like hoppy water a bit like your ramen I wonder if you'd be interested in this this is a thing in Japan it's the nightingale feces facial now it's not what it sounds like it's feces from the Japanese bush wobbler which is not a true nightingale oh thank god in Japanese it's brilliantly called uguisu no fun right For anyone around you Because you stink of shit Yeah Apparently Victoria Beckham Is a proponent of it Oh really?

24:23Wow Okay That's extreme I read about the Crying therapy rooms Which seems Really nice The whole idea Is to make you As sad as you could possibly be So you go in And you sit down And there's just sad movies Playing on the screen And someone sits next to you Just going Oh it's really sad isn't it And then they hand you tissues As you're crying Just me Okay Okay. That one sounds great. What else have I got? No, that sounds nice. Sort of have a good cry. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'd buy that. Just going back to onsen, so these baths, would you eat an onsen tamago, which is a traditional Japanese egg, which is cooked in an onsen?

25:04You put your egg in a rope net, you put it in the onsen, and the water's about 70 degrees, and you leave it in for 30 to 40 minutes, and then it's done. Question. Yeah. Because there are two ways of cooking eggs in water. Shell on and shell off. So are we poaching this bad boy? No, this is, I believe it's shell on, I think. Oh, then fine. Shell on. Wow. There you go. The audience has spoken. But people in it, it can be in a bath. It's not just a water bath like a ban-marie. It's an actual answer. And also the eggs have a unique silky custard texture. I bet they do. Yeah. I would absolutely eat that.

25:43I'm sorry, can I just ask the person, Was it a lady in the audience who said, chill on, have you had one of these? They're really good. They're really good. They're really good, there you go. Can't you, like a poached egg, there's that like bit of white that never gets cooked and it's almost like phlegm on your plate. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Looks like a Dementor in the water as it's boiling. I've like never seen a poached egg that hasn't got it. And I'm like, why do people order this? It's foul. Oh, I love a poached egg. You do? Yeah. Okay. But they're just like, if it's in its wrapper, I don't mind where it's been.