No Such Thing As Crown Jewels For The Cookie Monster

0:01Hello Club Fish members, welcome to this week's episode of Fish and a special top of show announcement just for you. Now, first things first, let's get the guest out of the way. Bit rude for me to say that, I suppose, considering it was the fantastic Melanie Bracewell. Melanie's a really good friend of ours. We've known her for many, many years. She's a regular on Australian television in New Zealand as well. She's been on New Zealand Taskmaster. She hosts a TV show called Cheap Seats Australia. But you'll have seen her on TV in the UK as well. she's been on qi a couple of times and she has very recently been on richard osman's house of games she's a brilliant stand-up comedian as well though and so if you would like to see her on tour great news she is coming to the uk and her tickets are available at melaniebracewell.com slash tour so do get tickets for that and indeed speaking of people who are going on tour we are doing a live show very soon and it is an unbelievably exciting one it is at the royal institution no less can you believe they are letting us in to the venerable building to do a podcast it's just before christmas the 20th of december there'll be a very very special guest there on stage with us but it's going to be a whole load of christmasy and sciencey fun and so definitely come along to that and if you would like tickets for that get in there fast because it's a pretty small venue and we're not announcing it to the main feed for a little while this is just for you club fishers if you go to nosuchthingsandfish.com slash ri you'll be able to get details for that show anyway enough about the future it's all about the present and this week's show with melanie bracewell so really hope you enjoy it and all that's left to say is on with the podcast.

2:02Hello and welcome to another episode of No Such Thing as a Fish, a weekly podcast this week coming to you from four undisclosed locations around the globe. My name is Dan Schreiber. I am I'm sitting here with Andrew Hunter-Murray, James Harkin, and special guest, it's Melanie Bricewell. And once again, we have gathered around the microphones with our four favourite facts from the last seven days. And in no particular order, here we go. Starting with fact number one, and that is Mel. My fact this week is that a congested tunnel in Australia has installed moving lights that you race against, and it has helped reduce stop-start traffic by 70%.

2:46And I drive this tunnel frequently. Do you? And you've done the racing against the lights? Yeah. I mean, when I say race, I don't think that's what you're actually supposed to do. It's what I do. Essentially, it keeps pace with kind of the slowest traffic in the tunnel. Therefore, the pace is consistent and people aren't like driving super fast and then stopping and then driving and then stopping because that's what causes traffic. I had a look at it and from the look of it, I mean, I haven't driven it, obviously, but it looks like a ring of light around the edge of the tunnel, which sort of pulses through the tunnel and you drive level with that ring.

3:20Is that right? Yeah. So if you look in your left and right, there's sort of these green lines that you are trying to keep pace with. And it feels really bad when one of the green lines overtakes you. Maybe it would have been better. Like, it doesn't have to be lights, right? What about like a Pac-Man coming? Oh, yes. So you see it in your rear view mirror. Hang on. Are you the ghost? Yeah, you're the ghost in this situation. Or maybe, wait a minute, you're the Pac-Man and that's the ghost. You've got to be the Pac-Man. The ghost is chasing you. We can't have a, like, you're the baddie in this situation.

3:54I caused a collision, but I did get a high score. Can you eat the strawberry, turn around, and then eat? And then you can drive backwards through the tunnel. That's right. So from the sound of it, the problem is that people drive downhill into the tunnel, they drive along the tunnel, and then they drive up on the way out. but they slow down on the way up because they don't really register that there's an uphill slope on the way out. So naturally you just slow down and that causes a ripple effect going all the way back through the tunnel and then everyone slows down. Yeah, and so since this has been installed, there's been a 17 % increase in speed.

4:27When there is traffic, it returns to the normal speed 95 % faster compared to before they were installed. That's really good. I heard there's a lot less breakdowns as well because usually trucks are like stopping and starting with their brakes. But when they're not using their brakes as much, there's less things that can go wrong. I thought you meant emotional breakdowns and that too. Can I just quickly say, this is an absolute nightmare though for a supervillain to hack and then set the lights going to 200 miles an hour. Wow, that is a great plot. Any supervillains listening. But then the police can kind of slow them right down when they're doing the chase, can't they?

5:05Yes, I hadn't thought of that. James, let's talk scripts later, but I think we're onto something here. So this is a tunnel in Melbourne, and James, you just mentioned about trucks stopping and starting. Trucks seem to be a big problem for tunnels in Australia generally, and there are a few management systems have been put in place to help them. So the Sydney Harbour Tunnel, they have a system in place for trucks that are constantly ignoring signs that say, your truck may be too high, stop if you are at this height, and they'll get to the entrances of this tunnel. They'll crash in, stuck, right?

5:37So this new system is in place there. A sheet, like a waterfall, will go over the front of the tunnel. And then they laser project a giant stop sign onto the waterfall. So it's literally in front of them. And you can't ignore it. You have to stop. Wow, it's like a log flume. I love that. You'll be like, ah, no, it's a trick. It's going to move at the last second. Yeah, yeah. If I've seen any cartoons, and I have, I know I'll get through here. Are you saying that that exists, Stan? Yeah. In Sydney? In the Sydney Harbour Tunnel and quite a few other tunnels. Yeah. So it literally, as an emergency moment.

6:13Oh, man. You've got to see it, though, but the only way to do it is that you have a truck to hire. Honestly, next time we're in Australia, I am hiring a truck and I am flying towards that tunnel. I'm very tall. I should just get like, just stand on top of a car and make it happen. So do you ever drive around in Queensland, Mel? Not often. Okay. Okay. So it's a big country, Andy. No further questions. It's not where I live. So if I was to go to Queensland, I'd be more likely to order a cab or go on a bus. So you don't do interstate trucking in Queensland is what I'm hearing. Not so much. Which is a shame.

6:50Not so much these days. That is a shame because if you do, the highways are basically a large, slow pub quiz. So Queensland is seven times the size of the UK, just for context. And, you know, you get people driving. You get the road trains. Do you get those in Queensland? I think you might do. Anyway. Sorry, Andy, Andy, Andy. What is a road train? Yeah, you just put two words together that don't really fit together. It's like a convoy of trucks. And, you know, it's halfway between just normal logistics and Mad Max because you're driving across Australia with a load of trucks and it's a road train.

7:22Anyway, if you're a trucker in Australia, in a road train or out, it's obviously really boring and there are long stretches of just nothing for ages and ages and ages. And so you have to keep drivers engaged. And so Queensland's authorities have put a pub quiz basically on the signs around the state. So you will see a sign saying, which animal is the fastest on earth? And then like five miles later, you'll see a sign saying, it's the peregrine falcon when it's diving. Is it counters on earth if it's diving? It's a good point. No, you're right, James. I mean, quibble. Do right in to the quibble.

7:56Maybe that's what the next sign says. No, no. We do realise that it's not actually on the earth. No, okay. Let's have another couple just to see if you're as smart as a road train captain. What is the coldest town in Queensland? It'll be like Wollongong or something like somewhere south. Is that right? No. It's Stanthorpe. Of course. Listeners around the world have been screaming, screaming at their phones. Okay, the last one. When is rabbit breeding season? Oh, that's all the time in Australia, isn't it? All the year. Correct. Trick question. I'd be so pissed off after five miles if I got handed by a trick question.

8:37Beautiful. That's great. The roads in Australia are pretty mental. The longest road in the world is the one that goes around Australia, Highway 1. Oh. It's 9 ,000 miles long And if instead of putting it all the way around Australia They decided to go from Perth outwards They could have got all the way to London Stop it Whoa Why didn't they? They should try that Fools The flights are so tedious If I could just have 15 ,000 pub trivia questions It would be done in no time The scale is mad isn't it? It is It does suck, because if you break down as well, in 2017, there was a tradesman who crashed his car out in the outback on one of these roads.

9:22And the closest help he could get was, I believe, 150 kilometers away, which he had to walk. So he did, yeah, so he did this walk, survived initially on water, had to start drinking his own urine, and finally got found after he'd walked about 100 or 120 kilometers. So he only had like 30 to go before he could have rocked up to this town going, you won't believe what I just did. Please, I'm so thirsty. Can a very oversized truck go through this tunnel?

9:53So Mel, have you heard of the Outback Way? Because I don't know if this is the road you're talking about just there, Dan. So this is, it's a series of roads and it runs from the middle of Western Australia to the middle of Queensland. So that is over two and a half thousand kilometers. It's really long. I think much of it is not paved. And a lot of it you need permission to go over. And some bits are just for remote indigenous communities. And it's known as the world's longest shortcut because it does technically shave time off your route. As opposed to going up and then right around Highway 1 that James was talking about.

10:24But it was made by this guy called Len Beedle. Is he a household name in Australia, Mel? Oh, Len Beedle. He started on Len. Okay. Oh, my Len. Did he win Dancing with the Stars this year? I'm pretty sure. Okay. Okay. Okay. So he's not a household name. But he's just an amazing guy. So he wrote a load of books about his type. He just made roads all his life. And his books include Beating About the Bush, Too Long in the Bush, Still in the Bush, Blast the Bush, and Bush Bashers. And he named them all after members of his family. So there's the Gary Highway, there's the Connie Sue Highway. I thought you meant the books were named after the members of his family.

11:04This one's after my daughter Bush, email. Sorry. but the amazing thing about him was he was also a bush dentist right so he knew that he was going to be out with a road building crew for ages so he took a course in tooth extraction in case anyone got a toothache you know because obviously you're hundreds of miles from from the nearest dentist so by the time that he and his crew had finished the gun barrel highway which was his first really long road he'd taken 29 teeth from his crew that's stunning those can't all have been necessary Yeah, I think he's got I've got the qualification I'd be stupid if I don't use them I had a fact for James actually on this one So there's a road in Australia Which James would probably find so attractive Any pictures from the other two as to why?

11:47Oh, because you can play It's got golf holes all the way through I mean Am I that one dimensional as a character? Sorry James I'm so sorry James But the Is it pronounced Nullarba? Yeah Nullarba Plain Nullarba Lynx You already know it James Nalaba means no trees right It does So that's also a good place to play golf There's no trees But also Andy Mel is a New Zealander who's just emigrated to Australia Give her a break I don't know What's the warmest town in Western Australia What is the name of Len Beedale's upcoming book Because we all know it I'm so sorry Mel You're right, you're right. That famous bush dentist we all talk about.

12:37So the Null Arbor Links is the world's longest golf course. It's 850 miles long. Oh. Is it still 18 holes or is it? I believe it's still 18 holes, but they are spread out. Oh, I see. So you play one hole and then you drive 100 miles to the next one. You can walk, but you're going to need to drink a lot of your own wee on the way. You've played golf with me before You see Andy come up Covered in piss, missing six teeth What's going on? Do you guys know who doesn't have issues with traffic? Oh Ants Have you guys talked about this before? This is a study that they did in 2019 Looking at the way that ants move Because they do follow sort of roads Leading from food back to their colonies because they lead these sort of chemical trials.

13:28And they found that even with a lot of congestion, the ants never had any trouble with traffic or buildup. And I love the way that they did this study, which is they made tiny little bridges for ants and increased the width of the bridge or narrowed the width of the bridge and found that they would find alternative routes or they would kind of move in this kind of constant state of travel and they had no traffic issues. And that means the problem with traffic is just us. If we all just drove at a constant speed and had an eye out for each other, then we'd all be better off. I think that's really wise, Mel.

14:07And I think actually what I try and say sometimes is I don't say, I'm sorry I'm late. I was in traffic. I say, I'm sorry I'm late. I was traffic. Wow. Do you know what I mean? That's so beautiful. Yeah. He's really cool to work with, Mel. It's a shame you don't get to experience these day-to-day absolute zingers when he walks in.

14:32Okay, it is time for fact number two. And, well, actually, because she sent in so many great facts, we're going to go and give her another fact. First time we've ever done this. Oh, my gosh. It's time for fact number two, and that is Mel. Wow. Oh, my gosh. I'm flattered. My fact this week is New Zealand decides new laws to debate in Parliament by pulling them at random out of a 30-year-old biscuit tin. That's amazing. Yeah. I love it. What I thought when I heard this a while ago was that they pulled the actual bills out, but they have numbered tokens, numbered 1 through 90, and they are assigned to a specific bill.

15:16Very important bills were pulled from this. Gay marriage was pulled from this. Really? Euthanasia was pulled from this. It's unreal. There's a lot of significant stuff in this biscuit tin. I know, exactly. Proving the theory that no biscuit tin contains biscuits. It's like sewing supplies or laws, you know? You go, oh, yummy, a biscuit. Oh, no, it's the water care amendment bill. New Zealand is often a socially progressive country, and a few things have passed there ahead of the world. And it sounds like it was because of the biscuit tin and having this system. These things might not otherwise have come up.

15:53It's not every law. It's basically ones that are presented by maybe some minor parties that don't have the floor to discuss everything. It would be insane to have every law just randomly assigned to a biscuit tin. Oh, murder's legal in New Zealand because it hasn't come out of the biscuit tin yet. Sorry, that's what the lucky dip says. Murder is now allowed. There's some stuff lurking in there. So I think that's right. It's called a member's bill. And I think Britain has an equivalent. We have one in our parliament. A private member's bill is the British equivalent. So if it's not part of the agenda, but you're passionate about it and it's a cause that you believe in.

16:31One thing that's interesting, I think, is that in the past, obviously this biscuit tin has only existed for 30 years or had this role for 30 years. It might have pre-existed. I don't know. But before that, you would have a bit of time when you can have these special members bills. And to decide which laws you would debate, you would basically have to get to the clerk first. So they would say, OK, Thursday, we've got a bit of time. We're going to do this. And everyone would leg it to the clerk saying, I want my law in. I want my law in. Or they would even queue up overnight like they were trying to get tickets for Wimbledon or something just so that they could get their law debated.

17:05Because would they ever, would the, did you say it was the clerk you needed to find? Yeah, that's right. Would he or she ever hide? And it's kind of, if you find the clerk. There's a thing in the UK here that I'm sure James, you and Andy will know about, but the division bell for UK parliaments, which is also to do with voting. So if a vote needs to happen and there's a division, this bell goes off, which gives MPs eight minutes to get there to register their vote. But because people are so spread out, division bells are all over Westminster. So some local pubs will have division bells or there will be a direct phone call to a landlord to ring a particular bell or it will be in cafes.

17:46And so everywhere. So you'll be sitting maybe in a pub, a lot of MPs having a pint of beer. This bell goes off and they'll just bolt out of there to get back to vote. Is that still true, Andy? I thought they might have changed the pub one a few years ago. I don't know. I think the Red Line is a pub. I don't know if it's still there. I think the plan was to start phasing it out of pubs in 2021. But I think, yeah, it's possible that there might be a few. But there's 384 division bells, let's say, before the phase out. It's cool having a bat signal. Basically, it is, isn't it? But you just need to go vote on a law.

18:21It's an unsexy bat signal. But it is cool. On pubs and Parliament, New Zealand Parliament has a pub now. It did have a pub. It was closed down. The pub has reopened. It's called Pint of Order. Really? That's great. I think it's great. And on the wall of the pub is the first, they say, proper bill to be passed by a newly independent parliament. So not under the colonial governorship. And it was for allowing parliament to circumvent the liquor laws. That was the first thing we wanted to do. That was the first pint of water. Yeah, put that bill in the biscuit tin 90 times. So we've just talked about the French parliament.

19:07That is shaped. So the British parliament is two benches and the one side is on the left and one side is on the right and they argue. I can't remember what the New Zealand one is, but the French one is like a semicircle. And the reason it is that is it's based on the school of surgery in Paris. It was a place where you would cut up bodies and everyone had to have a good view of you cutting up the bodies. And then they chose the parliament to be based on that, which I think is really cool. And there is one country in the world that has their parliament in the shape of an athletic stadium. Can you guess which it is?

19:43Is this an especially athletic country? Maybe. You've got to guess. That's a fun quiz. A load of Olympic long-distance runners are from Kenya, aren't they? So I'm going to say Kenya. But they don't... Is it somewhere in South America or something? You're close, Mel. But long distance runners often aren't in the stadium They're running like marathon running Or 10k is outside the stadium So who runs in a stadium? Sprinters Like Usain Bolt Yeah, who is from? Jamaica Well done Dan On the shoulders of giants I was using a tailwind, yeah So Jamaica Have got an athletic stadium shaped parliament That's great When you say Athletic Stadium shaped Is there a bit In the middle Where you get to Throw the javelin Yeah What does that mean It's just because There are nine countries In the world With circular chambers There's quite a lot Of them have got Hemispheres like France and like The European Parliament Quite a lot have got The same as the British Parliament But theirs is kind of An elongated circle That's great Right That's really good There's a thing That happened in Australia a number of years ago, about 20 years ago now, which is that the parliament banned all the security staff from saying, good day, mate, when people walked in.

21:10They were like, mate, mate is not a word that we want to be encouraging when George Bush is walking through our doors. And the then prime minister, John Howard, would often call Bush mate. It was just, they were like, we don't like this word. So security staff were told you can't do it anymore. And the ban lasted less than 24 hours because Australians said, no way, mate. It was just like, are you kidding? That's national pride, that greeting and that word. Well, New Zealand has a list of words that they've deemed unparliamentary. So these are words that are insulting or unbecoming and had to be retracted.

21:471949, the phrase, his brains could revolve inside a peanut shell for a thousand years without touching the sides, had to be retracted. It was deemed unparliamentary. energy of a tired snail returning home from a funeral that was 1963 that was deemed unparliamentary and this phrase i feel like i just want to say it in my day today this is 1946 idle vaporings of a mind diseased oh my god that's good so mysterious sick bird i found a great little nugget uh which is that our uk parliament they have their own internal library back in 2013 they looked into the list of the most borrowed books from this library the number one most borrowed book from parliament's library was a book called how to be an mp for dummies yeah exactly it was a self-help book and it had like amazing chapters called uh you know how to dilute boredom how to write an abusive letter um how to write an abusive letter yeah yeah how to convince voters that mps never stop working um how to climb the greasy pole things like that disgusting previously for five years there was another book that was the number one most borrowed book and that was called uh sorry how to borrow a book

23:08yeah that one was called how parliament works so that was the previous yeah most borrowed book Speaking of libraries, actually, the New Zealand Parliament has a library. And in 1968, there was a big storm that hit Wellington. It was a really famous one. Some boats capsized and stuff. So it was really, really bad. But the water from the storm surge started going towards the Parliament. And the people working there thought, we need to get the books out of here. So they took all the books and they took them onto the roof to keep them away from the water. and this is according to a tour guide who does a tour of the New Zealand Parliament and they say for mysterious and unknown reasons they did this in their underwear

23:54and I can't work out why if you're going to take books out of a library and put them on a roof you would do it in your underwear and no one explained why no one says there's no written record of it There had been a big storm, but it was a storm surge, which can come after the rain. So I don't know if it was raining or not. I think that makes sense because you don't want to get your clothes. If the storm surge arrives and you're in your heavy, heavy cotton ruffles or your wool, then you're going to get seriously weighed down. That's true. Safety first, actually. So they put the books on the roof, you say?

24:26On the roof, yeah, which suggests that it might not have been raining at that point. Yeah, okay, right. Yeah, okay, right, right, right. And also, Andy, whenever it rains, do you just get completely naked? Not completely, but I think it's good. Sometimes if you've got a job to do in the rain, it's actually better to have fewer clothes on. It's like how if you're dealing with a pest or like an invasive animal in your home, like a mouse or whatever. You get naked. Get off, of course. Can I please finish?

24:58I don't want that mouse crawling up my trouser leg. I'd rather see it on my leg Do you know what I'm saying? No, not really Well, no, but keep going Keep going Look, it's more upsetting to have a ferret in your trouser leg Than it is to have a ferret on your bare leg That's all I'm saying This is why you were kicked out of that petting zoo

25:21I've just got one thing about biscuit tins Oh, yeah I think I found the third most valuable biscuit tin ever Which, I know, this sold in 2019 It was from about 1910. Beautiful biscuit tin, shaped like a bus. Lovely. Any guesses as to how much it went for at auction? Is there any reason why it was particularly expensive? Just very nice and historic. Just nice. Yeah, I don't think it was, it wasn't a celebrity one. It wasn't historical. 200 quid? 3 ,100. Oh, thank God you didn't ask me for mine. I was a cool. You were going to really overshoot it? I was 1.5 mil, yeah. Okay. Well, Dan, do you want to have another crack at the value of the second most valuable biscuit tin ever?

26:001.5 mil. Great. Thanks, Dan. Thanks a bunch for absolutely torpedoing my fun game. Mel, would you like to guess, maybe a sensible guess, as the value of the second most expensive biscuit tin that I've been able to find? Let's say 800. Thank you. How much was the first one? Well, the first one was 3 ,100. So, Mel, you have lowballed it rather, given that this is more valuable than that. We know that. Well, it's more, but you said it was less valuable. No, this is the second. That was the third most valuable. This is the second most. We're going uphill for some jeopardy mail. Actually, I did not say the currency.

26:38That doesn't help. It doesn't help, but I didn't say it. Find a stronger currency than sterling. Bitcoin. Yes, 800 Bitcoin. Exactly. Okay. James? I go for one Bitcoin. How much are they worth? About 80 grand. This is more. Oh, thankfully. No, this was an Isle of Man man who was caught with 150 grams worth of heroin in a biscuit tin um wait a minute and how much of that value is the biscuit tin without the tin it's worth nothing yeah so your honor what i did was i paid 150 grand for a biscuit tin i didn't know what was going to be in there and then the most valuable biscuit tin ever that i've been able to find okay so it inside it was um hitler's um apology for the second world You're so close.

27:27There is a second world ball link. You're so close. Wait, so it's a British tin. Is the tin the valuable item here or is the item inside it? I think we've worked out that the tin is irrelevant to the price of it. Okay, I'll go 1.5 mil. This is a really interesting episode of Antiques Roadshow. I love it. 1.5 mil. Let's go 2 mil. Dan would you like to just completely nuke the game again by guessing like 300 billion quid or something No 17 million Do you know what I think it might be more than that What? I think this was priceless Oh wow okay So I wouldn't have been nuking the game it would have been pretty accurate I think is what we've worked out Why haven't I been asked us to quiz show And please no one ever let Andy write the quiz questions for those long roads in Australia because I swear to God I'd be crashing my car and drinking my piss before I needed to see another question.