2 Ways Your 'Icks' Are Ruining Your Dating Life & #1 Way to Date Better with Jared Freid and Jordana Abraham

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2:20Subject to change. Mental health is now talked about more than ever which is awesome. I mean, I don't have to tell you that it's a primary focus of On Purpose, but on a day-to-day basis, many people don't know where to turn or which tools can help. Over the past couple of years, I've been working with Calm to make mental wellness accessible and enjoyable, or as I like to say, fun and easy. Calm has all sorts of content to help you reduce anxiety and stress, build mindful habits, improve sleep, and generally feel better in your daily life. So many bite-sized options from the most knowledgeable experts in the world, along with renowned meditation teachers.

2:59You can also check out my seven-minute daily series to help you live more mindfully each and every day. Right now, listeners of On Purpose get 40 % off a subscription to Calm Premium at calm.com forward slash j. That's c-a-l-m.com forward slash j-a-y for 40 % off. Calm your mind, change your life. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. It's your host Jay Shetty. I'm so excited because today we're going to do something a little different. I'm going to share with you a conversation that I recently had where I was being interviewed that I think you're going to love. It was with the You Up podcast.

3:35And if you're someone who's been struggling with dating, this episode's for you. If you've been struggling with an ick, this episode's for you. And if there's a friend in your life that you know would really appreciate some greater insights on dating and relationships, this episode's for them. I hope you enjoy it. The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty. We love a special guest. Very special guest. One of our most popular episodes of last year. Yeah. If not the most, I think. The beloved. That's how I'm going to refer to you. The beloved Jay Shetty.

4:13Thank you for coming back on the show. Thank you so much for having me back. We had so much fun last time. So I'm looking forward to today. It's so much fun. It's great to have you. We are in awe of you and your success. I think that's something we... And you came in the first time, and I don't want to be the guy... I'm a cynic on everything. I loved it. We got along, though. That's the thing. I go, I like this guy. Surprisingly well, yeah. I walked away. But you come at things in ways that I wouldn't come at them. I come at with, like, I'm the gremlin hater. the the the like troll the cynic i would say like the more like cynical male point of view right and i sometimes i hear some of the you know you're such a calming positive influence that like that you can tell people are just happy to have you in their life right is that what it is you think they're just happy that like you like you're the friend they'd go to when they're hung over and and you'd be like it's gonna be fine this is gonna wear off we're gonna have some bacon egg and cheeses, you'll be good.

5:17I mean, talking about that, I remember being the sober friend early on. I was in Spain with some of my friends and everyone was completely hammered apart from me. This is when I'd chosen to stop my, you know, stopping drinking alcohol when I was going out. And all of my friends, I was trying to tell them that some bad stuff was going on and that we should leave this club that we were at. And they were like, you're the worst friend ever. We're having the best time. You're ruining it. So I'm actually used to being that friend when everyone else is ruining the party i'm ruining the party because i'm trying to protect everyone from themselves so you don't drink no i haven't i haven't drunk for years now yeah it's how many years i think it would be 15 years now right it was it not a big part of your life before it was a part of my life in the sense of i love drinking games i love the competitive aspect of drinking what game being out ring of fire was something we played a ton of when we were what's ring of fire so we said in london i guess everyone starts drinking quite early too so we started like 14 and so the guys would get together we play this game called ring of fire where you have this big uh pitcher in the middle that's left in the middle you all get a glass of beer each as far as i remember this the pitcher in the middle is surrounded by cards playing cards laid face down and every card has a different meaning so when you pick up the card you have to do a certain action and the last person to do it has to drink or the card tells you that you have to drink first or you have to tell a joke and if someone doesn't laugh then you have to drink like there's all these That sounds really fun.

6:44It's so good. And then every time you keep drinking more, and my favorite one was there's one where, like, the more fingers you can hold towards someone's glass of beer, the more sips that they have to take and things like that. And so it's a super fun competitive game, and I'm probably explaining it badly, and Google probably did a better job. Do you still play the game without drinking? Do you know what? I've thought about that. I've really thought about how we can make that fun. But I think it was partly the fact that you get delirious after six beers. I've never heard someone be like, I was in it for the games.

7:15Yeah. You know, like if they're an AA. I mean. I can see that. Flip Cup. I mean, you kind of want to participate. Right. I've played Flip Water with many of my pregnant friends. Yeah. It's almost as fun. That's a good way to put it. Yeah. I just love sports. I love sports. I love competition. I love games. Same. I love games. Love it. Well, you know, everyone go listen to Jay's podcast on purpose. It's out. what you have the guest list is something that you can't not acknowledge who's the guest that you were like what's i can't believe this oh that's a great question i'm glad i'm glad we're getting into this as well i'd love to hear your thoughts as well on who you felt that because it's jay shetty that was our he's coming back what okay i had such a great time i think so i want to acknowledge that you know when you launch a podcast and you guys know this when i launched or when I was coming up with the idea, it was so hard to book anyone because people had never heard of it.

8:15There was no stats. There was no data. You're trying to get someone to understand that you're going to create this safe space and people don't get it. And so I remember that day, which was five years ago. Now the podcast is five years old. But I want to acknowledge the first guest that made me feel that way was when Kobe Bryant came on in 2019. And that was the first year the podcast had come out. His team had reached out because his team loved what we were doing on the show. and they wanted Kobe and I to connect and meet. His team reaches out. Explain that to Joe Ohio who's sitting in their car in Columbus on their way to not a team.

8:51Everyone who's in his life. So whether it's his assistant, whether it's a publicist, whether it's different people who had a role in his creative company that he had. So employees, team members, and they'd mentioned to him that they thought it would be cool for us to connect. And so when they reached out, that to me was huge. And to have that in year one, that was a huge honor that year that he decided to do that. So that was pretty amazing. It's a little bit like Domino's. Like, you know, Kobe did it. He felt safe. Absolutely. You know, then everyone, oh, if Kobe did it. Absolutely. It's a little bit like that.

9:24Yeah. So I've got to give him a lot of credit for giving that opportunity. And since then, you've had everyone from like Kendall Jenner to Michelle Obama, which is, you know, you must just be like. people you get to speak to. I'm pinching myself all the time. I'm feeling really, really nervous walking into those rooms. And while I'm preparing and I'm feeling, you know, every bit of imposter syndrome that you possibly can when you're doing this. So yeah, I feel super grateful every day. And yeah, it's been amazing. I mean, Kendall was, you spoke about Kendall. I think that was a really important one in our journey of the show.

9:57she came on at a time when her episode just brought so many new listeners to our universe and I always always thank her for that because it was amazing that people were like oh we haven't really heard her speak that much and not for that long and and you know I think what she shared was so powerful and insightful like that clip's gone viral like a million times of her talking about how she thinks about her younger self and she has a picture of herself at the mirror yeah and some some practice that you've done with a therapist and so I think you know I'm really grateful to everyone who trusts me and trusts our space and comes on because it takes a lot for that person and I want to acknowledge that it's never easy to open your heart and open your mind in that way and so yeah each of those people that you've mentioned have have made massive shifts Kevin Hart came on and that was you know so much fun again he had this amazing audiobook which people don't know Kevin Hart for audiobooks but his audiobook is amazing it's called Monsters and he talks about all the monsters that we deal with inside of our mind.

10:57So it's philosophical and comedic and he's obviously reading it. And it's hilarious. And, you know, being able to dive into him from the perspective of monsters and the monsters he has inside of him, it was, you know, it's a spectacular conversation. So I think, yeah, all of these guests have made it easy for me and I'm really grateful. What do you think it is about your show that like these people, again, like Kendall Jenner doesn't do it. These people aren't doing interviews constantly. Um, what do you think it is about your show that just makes them want to do your show? I think that all podcasts have a really unique offering, right?

11:36Like I think people go on a podcast. Like when I came on yours for the first time is because from what I'd seen and from what I was hearing from my team, everyone's like, Jay, they're going to get into stuff that no one else is going to ask you, right? This podcast is going to ask you questions. When you were talking about being cynical, my team had already said that, that there's going to be a version. Oh, my team is my, you know, my podcast, my podcast producer, who is a huge fan of the show. And she's like, I think you're going to get asked questions that you wouldn't get asked anywhere else.

12:06And so that's exciting for me because I also don't want to have the same conversation. I want to have different conversations. That's why I came here. And so I think people coming on purpose because they know that there's going to be a safe space to explore depths of themselves that maybe isn't right on other platforms. And so I'm hoping we've created a space where people can talk about their challenges, their flaws, their imperfections, the stresses of life, the perplexities they've had with childhood trauma, their personal mental health journeys in a way that is relevant, accessible, and practical.

12:42I like the perspective. And that's usually where I come to with everything I hear from you is like I like the road you took because I'm looking at that and I go like the you you're like basically oh this show could open a door in my brain that I don't mind opening but I didn't even know was there before exactly I have that with like you know if someone comes up to me and it's like I have a note for you for a joke I heard you do would you and it's it could be anybody and And I'm like, sometimes it's like an old dad who's going to tell me a Borscht Belt joke and I'm going to have to like, you know, he's going to like be exhausting.

13:20But sometimes someone will say something. I don't even know what it's going to lead to me thinking or a story that I've never thought of. So I understand that where you're like, oh, I'm up for the game of, oh, okay, where will this go? But I know it's going to be safe in a little bit. Totally. And every podcast, I think, plays to that, right? Like if you want to show a certain part of your personality, I think there's so many podcasts to do that differently on. And so we're just trying to cater to this side. To that point, I have a question, if that's okay. What do you hate? We want to know if you've ever had a bad day.

13:54Yeah, I want to hear cynical Jay Shetty. I want miserable, horrible days. Who do you hate? Who do you hate? What do you hate? When's the last time you - That's not on the list of approved questions. Well, I want to know, like, I want that Jay Shedder. And I, because it's within us all. But was there a moment? Is there, when's the last time? Do you get triggered? Yeah. So I'll give a bit of background because I'm not, I'm not trying to. It's not a very monk way to go. I get it. No. So I'll give a bit of background. So anger and hatred have generally not been a part of my psychological approach because I saw a lot of it growing up.

14:33Okay. And so I made notes growing up going, I won't demonstrate anger in that way. I won't express hatred in that way. Where did you see it growing up? Saw it in my own home. Saw it in my school. Saw it in my extended family. Like, I saw it very, very up close in a very extreme form. And I made a pact with myself that anger was not something that I was going to play with because I saw the ramifications it had with other people. Do you think you can do that with anger? Like, there's people out there that I'm sure, like, I get angry. I would love to say you don't get angry and go, I guess I'm never angry anymore.

15:07Like, I think an anger, isn't anger like a sneeze? And is it like a cough? Yeah, no, I'm not saying getting angry is bad. And I'm not saying that we shouldn't get angry and it's not a natural emotion. I think it's an emotion that I kind of negotiated with very early on because I saw what it did, at least in the world that I grew up in. I've had bad days. So that I can relate to. Thank God. You don't express them in probably the way. I think if there's anything that does trigger me and does upset me, which is funny because what I'm about to say is me breaking my own rule, but it upsets me when we don't give others the benefit of the doubt.

15:42So when I see people not giving other people the benefit of the doubt or giving them space, it triggers me. But the funny thing is that means I'm not giving that person the benefit of the doubt. So then I go, oh, great. And that's what happens. And so, of course, I'm a human. I get triggered. I get upset. I have a bad day. I think the biggest thing for me when I'm having a bad day is probably when I feel that someone in my life is being unnecessarily targeted in their own life, dealing with pain, dealing with stress, dealing with pressure. Some pain's coming at them that they don't deserve, that I don't understand.

16:16And so that kind of stuff really gets to me. Do you have an example of a time where someone in your life was getting, you felt wrongfully targeted? Or yourself. Or yourself. Do you read things about yourself? Do you see things and you go, and because I, listen, we sit here. And we know, and what we have to do constantly, and again, we have to like, the thing that is, I think it's the worst podcast topic and we do it all the time because it's like catnip. It's right there for you to do. is responding to feedback when 99 % of it, like, Jay, I'm sure you get messages. You've changed my life. And you probably get messages that are like, I've gotten messages that bring you to tears.

17:03You go, oh my God, this was me talking about my farts was not supposed to make you feel better about a death in your family. And you get those messages and you probably get 99 % of those. And then you get the one. and you're like, you just want to like grab them and go, again, benefit of the doubt. How did you come to this such hateful space from when my goal was positive? How do you take yourself out of it? And I think, don't you feel though, and I will talk about it, but don't you feel though that over time you've just become, you've recognized that it's part of the job. Like you've accepted that it's part of the job.

17:39So like, for example, let's take Michelle Obama. We did this interview with Michelle Obama, which was huge moment. Yeah, huge moment for me. so grateful like you said 99 of the comments are like this is interviews incredible and everything and and then at the same time you have a lot of people going like why would you sit down with her because of their political beliefs or like jay you sold out or you know why would you do this and what i found is that again me giving that person the benefit of the doubt that often that remark is based on something historical far before me right and has pretty much very little to do with me and an expectation of me that I'll never live up to in that I'm always going to do things that's going to upset someone.

18:22And I've, I've kind of come to terms with that. And on the other side, I've found that if you actually look at the comment section of people who've actually watched the video, the comment section is completely different. Like people have actually watched the interview, listen to the words, yeah, instead of the 30 second clip or whatever it may be. If they've watched the YouTube version, you're seeing like completely transformed people, even people saying I don't agree with the politics but this interview helped me with this this this it even annoys me that they have to say that like it annoys me that you know the person they always that person well I usually it's like oh you must be an expert now because you were able to see beyond your own initial thoughts on someone how could someone like I'm gonna be yeah uh so yes Yes, I would.

19:08Your stars are just like us. My personal rule is I'm happy for someone to leave any honest opinion of theirs as long as they're still following me. But if someone unfollows me and wants to leave a comment and it's hateful, then that's a comment that we're going to do. That's kind of your thing too. So I think that's a fair step. We don't get feedback from anyone who doesn't follow. I'll take the feedback, but I feel like if you're saying, Jay, I had it with you, I'm unfollowing, and then you've unfollowed and you've left other hateful comments, to me then it's like well we're not in the same community and then we're in the same space but if someone's following me and they want to leave lots of comments that tell me feedback or things they don't like i will leave it up there because i still consider them a part of our community i haven't left the conversation yeah right i couldn't be more excited to share something truly special with all you tea lovers out there and even if you don't love tea if you love refreshing rejuvenating refueling sodas that are good for you listen to this rady and i poured our hearts into creating Juni sparkling tea with adaptogens for you because we believe in nurturing your body and with every sip you'll experience calmness of mind, a refreshing vitality and a burst of brightness to your day.

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21:27I have a similar one with the house. Well, I think of it as like, this is my party. The music's playing. You have walked in. There are people here dancing. I don't care how many. I don't care. But people are happy to be here. And you came in and go, I hate this music. Let me lead you to the door. We're going to keep the music playing. But you got to leave. You don't want to be here. It's okay. Goodbye. So I'm okay with someone being at the party and saying, I don't like the music. They can stay. But it's the person who goes, I don't like the music. I'm leaving. but then they still want to have their opinion be heard.

21:57They're yelling through the window. Sounds like my mouth. Hey! Right. This is a dating podcast. You've written a dating book, Eight Rules of Love, which was great. I read it. Amazing. If you guys haven't read it yet from our last episode, you should check it out now. Anywhere books are sold, I assume. But so you've done a lot of research on love. You wrote a whole book about it. What do you think, if you look at like the dating landscape now, What do you think is like the biggest issue? Because there's a lot of people who are, I feel like, very frustrated with it. And I mean, from our emails, a lot of women.

22:30What do you feel like is the biggest mistake people are making when they're dating? I think the biggest mistake people are making when they're dating right now is that their list of icks and turn offs are so long and so wide and so far ranging that you may miss out on an incredible human being because they wear jewelry and you know and uh you know uh drink their and spell you matcha with a straw right like whatever it is like and i i started following this uh really funny tiktok account called i think it's called guy with the list and what he does and i don't even know what he looks like because he actually never i don't think he's posted himself or her or them whoever runs it and what they do is they'll play all these found clips of people all over the internet saying their biggest ick and turn off.

23:20And then he'll add to his list and his list is at like 600 now with all these ridiculous things. And so, and I know it's a bit tongue in cheek and it's a bit funny, but I do think it is that like we get turned off so quickly by things that are not actually important in a relationship. Like I always ask people, like, does this make someone inept at being a good partner or is it just something that you don't like about them, right? Is it a preference? And I think that that preference versus priority conversation is huge. Well, that's like, you know, I mean, not to go to plug city, but on my Netflix special, the opening bid is about how I'm on the dating apps and you get in front of it.

24:01The dating apps offer you a menu at a restaurant and you're looking at it and you're going, well, I'm not that type of person. It's not even allowing you to smell the person, be around the person and you say, I'm not going to date a Darlene. And then if you met a Darlene in a bar that you got along with, you'd probably date a Darlene. Like, I think the ick is a lot of time just excuses to not be vulnerable to, you know, to say no. It's easier to say no and not do the thing than it is to go into it and go, well, I saw, and then you'd blame yourself once it didn't work out. You go, you should have known they drink matcha through a straw, you know, like it's easier to do that you beat yourself up i think yeah that might be kind of the nature of like we all we're the google generation this is what we do we look up the place before we go we don't walk somewhere and we unless we google map even though we've walked there like well it's kind of like it seems like the issue is almost like there's too many options right where you have dating 200 years ago you're in an arranged marriage probably you're just set up and like that doesn't seem great Right.

25:03But now it's like if you live in a city like New York City, there's a million people maybe that you probably are in the that you could possibly date. And so you're like, well, I don't because there's a million people here and there's an app that shows me people constantly. Why would I settle for someone who drinks matcha lattes through a straw when there's just another great person out there that I could could have? And so I think it'd be great to almost go back to that happy medium where maybe you had 10 choices, not none, not one, but not a million. I mean, you're speaking about something in psychology, which is known as the paradox of choice, right?

25:39This idea that humans actually make worse choices, the more choices and options that they have. And this is one of the biggest reasons why we are struggling in dating or whether the products that we purchase or whatever it may be. But yeah, I think the key is, and I like what you're saying, this balance of having enough of a pool to decide, but not unlimited. And I guess what I'm getting at is someone drinking matcha through a straw doesn't define what kind of partner they are. Whereas we like to joke that it does, right? Maybe that defines them in so many other ways. And so what I'm saying is actually look at what makes someone a good partner and a credible, compatible companion for life as opposed to...

26:17To take the other side of that, though, you know, the thing that we find on this podcast, the thing that as me as a single person deals with, when are you OK to be turned off? You know, when do you allow yourself to say this is more of a and this is funny, starts and funny, but it came from a place of this is not someone I need to spend my time. I'm a detective. I'm looking for clues. When you're out there dating, you're looking for clues to, I want to get to know that person. So, you know, the where's jewelry or, you know, sits crisscross applesauce on a chair, you go, that's generally, you know, a percentage, you know, I'm playing the percentages now.

27:02You know, so it is, you know, it's easy for, because I see this with the Ick stuff online, especially online. You see a lot of men, their feedback to it is like, this is why you're single. And, you know, you got to look through these things. And it's like, well, this person's also allowed to go, I'm playing the numbers game here of what turns me on and off. And if you do A, you'll probably do B, C, D, and it won't be a match for me. Right. so i mean if you're playing the odds though that means you're gonna have to get through a lot of people right like that's that's you need odds to play yeah exactly numbers well how long have you been with your wife we've been together now for it'll be 11 years this year 11 years and married for eight this year and she's basically like your only relationship correct am i in terms of currently before like in terms of like you're like were you did you have other relationships before oh yeah i did i did yeah oh yeah i dated a ton before i became a monk and then i was a monk and then since i've left the monastery my wife's the only person that i've chosen what's your what's your go-to first date when you were dating before yeah back in the day i mean i was dating in my teens so it's like whatever you could afford right like maybe you're going like ice cream bowling cinema i mean going to the movies going to the movies was probably the most common day well which I mean, you say this in your book that watching a movie together, watching Netflix together.

28:27Oh, that rubbed people a lot. You hate that, right? Having the right people in your corner to support you is a great form of self-care. Just like the friend who shows up to a housewarming party when you get that dream home, celebrates your big promotion, or goes with you on a walk to clear your mind, State Farm is there to help you feel supported. They have different coverage options, whether it be for your home, car, motorcycle, boat, or even RV. With a State Farm agent, you know someone is there to help protect what's important. And with so many coverage options, it's nice knowing you have help finding what fits for you.