3 Effective Ways to Disconnect from Social Media & How to Optimize Your Morning Routine

22:15I remember being in this small town, completely unplugged, and for the first time in a while, I felt still. Travel does that. It grounds you, expands you, and connects you to something deeper. That's why I'm always looking for experiences that go beyond the typical. Chase Sapphire Reserve makes traveling a breeze, earning 8x points on all purchases through Chase Travel, and granting access to Sapphire Lounge by the club at select airports nationwide. No matter my destination, travel is more rewarding with Chase Sapphire Reserve. Discover more with Chase Sapphire Reserve at chase.com forward slash sapphire reserve.

22:57Cards issued by JPMorgan Chase Bank, N.A., member FDIC, subject to credit approval, terms apply. One thing I've been reflecting on lately is how even the smallest choices can create a big impact over time. Whether it's choosing to spend a quiet night in to recharge or making a decision that brings you closer to a long-term goal, those moments of intention really matter. And when it comes to the choices we make with our money, that same mindset applies. I've learned that saving for the things that truly matter, like your first home or a reliable car, starts with small, thoughtful decisions. That's why I appreciate what State Farm is doing with their personal price plan.

23:43It gives you the power to personalize your plan and create an affordable price that works for your life. You can bundle your home and auto insurance in a way that supports your journey and your goals. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with the personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state, coverage options as selected by the customer, availability, amount of discounts and savings, and eligibility vary by state. You're so good with your words and you're such a great listener, but who is your rock?

24:22Who's the person that's listening to you and you're able to bounce everything off of? My wife. My wife is definitely my rock. Like, she's amazing. She's more a monk than I'll ever be because she naturally has these like sage-like qualities. So waking up for her is like a piece of cake. My wife works about 5 a.m. every day and can meditate. 5 a.m.? 5 a.m. And spiritual qualities too. She just has that. So for me, I find my wife's amazing. She's always good at making sure that I'm doing things for the right reason. She's always good at checking me. She's always good at, you know, humbling me, grounding me, but in a good way, not in a critical way, but in a, Jay, I know you can be better than this.

24:59That's amazing. Yeah. So I really have that with her. You know, you need a cheerleader. Yes. I think it's very important. Yeah. And I think that, again, on social media, there's always these ideas of fairytale relationships and expectations. And people aren't talking about what they need. And I know that you have to talk about relationships a lot on your social media. People really want to know about relationships. Yes. This is something that's kind of plaguing people. Yeah. I kind of want to get into it a little bit. Yeah, let's do it. Because I feel like even though you may not be the expert, you kind of have to be an expert because of all of like your followers and all their questions about it.

25:38Well, I think this is fun because I know you have a wonderful relationship too. Yeah. So my thing has never been to be an expert. What I think is it's fun to unpack the journey when you're on it. Right. Like I almost think like you never get to the end of the journey. So how do you ever become an expert? Because it's almost like if you're an expert, then that's like you saying I've nailed this. No. But it's, it's, you can never, You can't be an expert. You can't be an expert in something like relationships because your relationship's always evolving. Like, for example, you're having a baby now.

26:05Yes. That's going to evolve your relationship. And things have changed. I've never been more in love with Justin than right now. I love hearing that. Yes. Like, it's just something about growing life with him. It's beautiful. Oh my gosh. It like makes my heart melt. But then when the baby comes, they all say, everybody says like. And we don't have to sign up for that, everybody. I know. And that's the other thing. You don't have to listen to what everybody says. I have blocked out so many things that people are like, you know, what's going to happen. It's going to be like this. And I'm like, does it have to be like that?

26:35Yeah, it doesn't. No. There are certain trends and patterns that we can be wary of. Of course. And people see that. They're like, OK, when you get married, this happens. When you have kids, this happens. Of course. But I think if you let that define your whole experience, that's the biggest mistake you can make. And so for me, all I'm trying to share is the journey and the process of figuring it out. That's all I'm trying to share. And when I, she was the first guest on my podcast that I interviewed. And the whole conversation was, here's all the mistakes we made in our first three years of marriage.

27:02Like, this is what we got wrong. Oh, wow. You went in. That's what we talked about because I wanted people to hear how much stuff we've worked through. Yeah. Because that's the fun of it. Because when you can have fun working through stuff and people are hearing that, they're like, oh, my relationship is not so different now. Right. Because if all I'm seeing is the selfies and the happiness and all that kind of stuff. So for me, that's where my expertise is. my expertise is how do I share while I'm going through it and share with you just the experience I have so like I'm not giving advice to couples who have kids right because I've not been through that I don't know what that feels like when I go through it I'll figure it out and I'll share some so right I'm sharing pre-marriage getting married the early years of marriage what I'm learning from that which also is a really hard part of the marriage I think so it is our first year was quite interesting to say.

27:50Go on. I mean, it was just like we waited till we were married to have sex. We hadn't lived together. My career was really kind of just started taking off and he went to grad school and it was like finding this balance of like who we are in so many different aspects, but like knowing that divorce is not an option. So it's like we have to focus and work on this. Yeah. And nobody they tell you, oh, marriage is work, marriage is work. But nobody can explain it to you because every marriage is so different. So it's good to hear that other people are explaining their first three years of marriage and the struggles that they'd been through.

28:24Something we did do on our honeymoon actually was read the five love languages. Have you read that? Love that book. I made videos on that book. Oh, you did? Yeah. I made like three videos on that book. And I think Gary Chapman's a genius. What are your love languages? I believe your love languages are based a lot about how your parents loved you. oh interesting so so my love like you want what your parents didn't give you or you still want what they gave you both depending on how good or bad they're correct so mine was and this is how i traced it back i love my mom she's amazing and when my mom was raising me she sometimes couldn't spend a lot of time with me because she was working too okay but i knew that on my birthday she would always get me the gift that i wanted she would always get it no matter what it was and we didn't grow up with a lot but she would save up make sure that i had it and she would find it and she'd get it from me.

29:12And it would just be one thing, but it would always be the one thing I most wanted. So like one year it was like Power Rangers or something like that. And I realized that I associated love with gifts. Oh, so was that your number one? That was my number one love language. And is it giving and getting? Yes. So I love giving people grand gestures and I love receiving grand gestures, but my wife, her number one love language is quality time because her family on their birthdays and stuff would just - Time spent. Yeah, they wouldn't go out to work that day. Her dad would stay home. They would plan an activity or whatever, something like that.

29:43Right. And so they'd spend time together. So when we met, I was like, where's my gift? Like, where is it? It's like, do you not love me? And I would be giving her these grand gestures and gifts on her birthday. And she'd be like, I just want to spend time with you. And - Okay, I want you to break mine down. Go on. I'm acts of service. Yes. What does it mean? Do you like giving or receiving? I like getting acts of service. Like if you want to love me, acts of service. Well, that's the hardest one. Right? Your husband's amazing. That is the hardest one. Oh, he is a talented man. Yeah, that is amazing.

30:13I mean, it's like, you vacuums, make the bed, do the thing that I asked you one time and it's done. I'm like, oh. Wow, that is impressive. Oh, yeah. Active service is one of the hardest ones. It is. Oh, so I'm hard to love. No, you're not. Just kidding. I'm just kidding. No, no. So that's me projecting my bias of how scary I find out to you. That's me going, oh my God, I'm so glad I could never do that. I could never live up to that. But no, that's beautiful. And that's what I mean, that you are with a partner who understands that, loves that, is able to give that. And that's great. Love languages are very important in relationships.

30:47And Justin's is time spent and physical touch. Okay. Those are his top. So I just know that like, I know what he needs and he knows what I need. And I think that anybody who feels like they're not connecting with their partner should read that book. 100%. I love that book. I recommend it to everyone. And I think the biggest thing we should all notice is until you read that book and until you figure out love languages, you are speaking different languages. Right. And so it's like literally speaking to your partner in a language they don't understand. Right. And so you could be doing everything.

31:16Like, for example, for you, you know, Justin could be buying you like the best gifts in the world and take you on fancy holidays and all this kind of stuff. But he's not doing acts of service. And you're going to be like, well, now what? Doesn't he love me? Yeah, exactly. And he does. Because you may be with someone, anyone who's listening and watching this right now, you may have someone who loves you deeply. You've just never articulated what your love language is. You have to speak up. You have to share it. You can't, no one can read in between the lines. You can't expect that person to figure it out by looking at you.

31:45You need to tell them, this is how I feel most loved. This is what I need to feel loved. And I see so many couples that get scared about saying this or doing this. It's like hard for your ego because being able to have enough vulnerability and openness to say to your wife, I need you to tell me I've got this, right? Like words of affirmation, that I need words of affirmations. And the ego goes, oh no, I don't really need that for my wife. But you have to share it. If you don't tell them that, how are they going to know? You got to put your ego aside and be really open and honest. Everything you talk about on social media and through your videos is so emotional based.

32:21And there's just a lot of like that inner work, especially like with relationships. but what about the physical aspect of it? Like physical, like the intimacy and all of that. Do you ever touch on any of that? Ah, let me think. I've definitely talked about it from an abuse point of view. Right. You're talking about from a - Well, like when you're married, sex is important. Yeah, yeah, right. And I think that for me, my understanding is like, you have to have the emotional first before the sex can stay consistent. Correct. And great. It's so much easier to talk about that I'll go into that. And that's why I focus so much on my content on the other side.

32:58And my content is so heavily focused on the compatibility, on the healing, on the deep work. Because I'm like, if people get this right, they're going to have amazing relationships. They're going to have amazing physical... Everything's going to be great. But when you look at all these magazine covers and you'll always see like, you know, the seven things she wants in bed and the three things. And it's always those things. And that's what I love about what I've been able to do with video is that we've shifted the conversation. The video's getting millions and millions of views, but we're talking about stuff that actually is going to make a difference.

33:27Whereas you telling someone like, these are the three things she wants in bed, like that's not going to change your relationship. If you aren't compatible, if you don't connect, if you don't speak the right love languages, if you're not empathetic, if you're not vulnerable, like then that three list of this and seven list of that isn't going to do anything. It's void. And that's where I'm trying to get to with people because I don't want people to use sex as a substitute for that. And I don't want people to use sex as an excuse for that. And I don't want people to use sex as a coverup for not having any of that because I know having been in tons of relationships where it was just physical and that's all there was, that's the only time it felt good.

34:02It didn't feel good at any other time. I didn't go home with a beautiful feeling in my heart. And then when it's only about that, that's also when it can be easily replaced because that's easily changeable. And that's why I think so many people go through and I talk about in my videos so much about cheating and loyalty because when it is just physical, it becomes so much more easier to just disconnect and throw it away. All those things happen. Yeah. And now heartbreak. Yes. What's your advice on heartbreak? I know you have a video up. It's like the five things people should do through heartbreak.

34:32And one of them is like, get rid of everything from the past and only focus on the present and the future. That's hard for people. I like getting rid of visual triggers. I think the challenge in a lot of our lives is that we're surrounded by the same sounds, the same sights. Right. And the same people that we were in our past. And I see this with anything. and I'm sure you felt this, when you went deeper into your faith, did your circles change? 100%. Right. When you went deeper into your faith, did what you look at change? 100%. Right. So you look at - My heart changed. Your heart changed, but internal and external.

35:06Yes. Because for me, when I transformed in my faith, it was a transformation of my heart. Yes. Not about what I was actually doing or not doing. Correct. And that's what I feel for anyone. Anyone that I've witnessed and observed go through transformation in their life, their environments have changed. And so for me, a lot of us are making it harder for yourself. It's like saying, I want to start working out every day, but I don't own any trainers, right? It's like, that's not going to work. It's like doing the opposite. Like I want to go on a diet, but I'm going to keep chocolate cake in my refrigerator, right?

35:36Like it's, it's that. So you're saying, I want to get over the past, but I'm going to keep my ex's sweater right next to me. And I'm going to keep all these text messages that I could keep reading through again. Why do people go back and read text messages from someone that broke their heart. Because nostalgia and imagination is more powerful, right? The feeling of nostalgia, and this is in studies too, like the research behind nostalgia is you always think things were better in the past with something like that. So you read a message and you're like, oh, but they loved me so much. And now all you're doing is reality's here and you've got your own version of reality playing here.

36:12So you're basically writing your own movie script up here when reality is telling you this. And nostalgia is that script. It's that fantasy that's never going to become. It's that fantasy that isn't real. So it's you saying, I don't want to accept what is, and I'm trying to accept what if. Those people who can't get over that hump, what do you tell them? One of the biggest things like - Do you really want to - No, no, no. No, no, no. It's a good conversation. I think one of the biggest things I say to people is just like, let's kind of break their space that they're in. It's almost like that person needs a space change and they need to get out of that zone.

36:48And so for me, I'm always encouraging people to start doing new things. I think it's so powerful when you go and have a new experience. When you try something new, you join a new class, you've never done it before. Because guess what? It's about finding yourself again. So you're now learning new things about yourself. You're now falling in love with yourself. It's about falling in love with yourself. Correct. And I think that the biggest mistake we make in that time is everyone's telling you, oh, when's the rebound? Like, are you going to date this guy? When are you going to start dating again?

37:13Or this girl? When are you going to be out there again? And it's almost like, well, no, maybe it's about I go inside this time. and spend some time with myself. And I think new experiences are a beautiful way of doing that because you only learn new things about yourself when you do new things with yourself. Right? You never, like we never do new things with ourselves. You're always, you're always doing the same things with the same people. But imagine you start doing new things on your own and now you have new memories. And one of the things I've been talking about a lot with people is forming new memories.

37:45If you don't make new memories, the old ones will always hold you back. And that's why we're stuck in the old because we're not making any new ones. So the old ones just keep pulling you back. So the best way to make new memories is A, set up an experience, do it with a friend that you love. And when you go out there, it's this technique that's often used for grounding and therapy and everything, but I use it for presence. And that's how we were trained in it as monks. When you go somewhere and you're like, I want to take a mental picture of this. How many times have you ever said that? Where you go somewhere, you're like, I want to have this in my mind and I want to keep it forever.

38:13And the iPhone camera is not going to capture it. And the camera is not going to do it. It's not going to keep it emotionally. And I think we're so bad at creating emotional memories that are new. So the best way to do it is called 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Okay. So when you're in a space, and let's say I want to do it of this, I look at five things that I could see. So five things that I can see right now. So I'm going to say you, obviously, important part of the memory. You're important too. I'm doing it with you. Yeah, I'm going to say the rug. So I'm going for space. Okay. I'm going to look at the ceiling.

38:41So one, two, three, four. I'm going to say the couch. So there are five things that I can see. The second thing is four things that you can touch. Okay. So four things I can touch. My silky dress, my really dry skin. You're good at descriptions. Silky dress, dry skin. This is good. The rough. Textured rough. The textured, yes. And oh, my glass. Yeah. Glass water. Amazing. Three things that you can hear. I can hear the light. Yes. I can hear myself swallow and I can hear your voice. Perfect. And then two things that you can smell. I can smell my garlic breath.

39:18I'm having a hard time smelling basically anything because you can hear how clogged I am. Yeah, me too. But maybe my perfume. Okay, great. It's all about me. Yeah, no, that's good. And then one thing you can taste. Garlic. Great. So if you did that in an experience that you want to tell what I'm doing forever, all you have to do to make a mental picture, to take a mental picture of everything is do five, four, three, two, one, five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. I really like that. Yeah, it's beautiful.

39:50And this is what I mean by when you're going through a breakup, the biggest mistake you make is the old memories hold you back because you don't know how to make new memories. And so my advice to everyone is go and make new memories. Okay, so I did Tony Robbins, right? And it was enlightening. It was fun. And the biggest thing that I came away with was I don't live in the present. I'm constantly living for the what's next. Yes. Here we go. You know, okay, team, it's time to hustle. And he said, what are you grateful for? And I mean, I could sit there and say, I'm grateful for my health. I'm grateful for my family.

40:20I'm great. You know, like I could list a few things, but he said, what are you grateful for in your career? And it's like, I had to really go deep. And I think that maybe if I started doing in the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, I would be able to go back to experiences that I thought my heart remembered, but my mind didn't. Totally. And I am totally implementing 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. And that's exactly what it's. So today it's used for a lot of people who struggle with anxiety to bring them back into the moment. When we were trained in as monks, it was what we did for presence, like as Elie, you said. And this is why the biggest mistake we make is when you're having an experience, the only sense we activate is the eyes.

41:02And that's why when you're trying to think of a past memory, you go, what was it again? Because you have to close your eyes because that was the only one that was activated. Whereas what we've done with 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 is you've now absorbed this memory through all the five senses, which means each one of them is going to give you a different part of the memory. I like it. Yeah. Wow. All right, switching gears a little bit. I really feel like insecurities breed negativity, right? And a motto that I like to live by is kill people with kindness. What do you think about that? Yeah, I love that. I agree with you completely.

41:33This is the beautiful thing that happens. When you say thank you to someone who's kind to you, it does three things. The first thing is you recognize kindness. So now you are triggering your mind to start recognizing kindness and you're now recognizing kindness in them. The second thing you do is you reinforce kindness in them. They realize, they're like, oh, when I'm kind, people appreciate it. So I'm going to be more kind. So you've now reinforced kindness within them. And the third thing is you help them repeat it. Now that you've shown them that their kindness is reciprocated, they're now going to be kind to more people.

42:05So when you recognize kindness in someone, it reinforces that belief that kindness is amazing. And then they repeat that kindness to other people. So now you've started this domino effect of kindness just by thanking one person. Who knew? Yeah. It's so interesting to hear you talk about being a monk and like how you spend half the day working on yourself and half of the other day working to give out to others. And what is your take on putting yourself first? And like, is it selfish? So with monk teachings, the point is you are taking care of yourself first in order to serve better. So it's always like, I'm going to put myself first so that I can fill up so that I can serve with more.

42:48Because we want to serve with our best selves. I always say this to people. It's like people are always like, Jay, should I go to this party? Should I go out to this event? Should I call up this person? should I do this? Should I do that? And I'm just like, well, if you're going to show up there with that energy, where you're going to have to convince yourself to go, then guess what? That person's going to feel that. Because if you want to show up and you're going to show up with your best. So I feel for me, it's not selfish if the intention is I want to give more and serve more. That's good. It's selfish when it's just like, oh, I'm just going to take care of myself because that's all that matters.

43:18Whereas it's like, no, I'm going to take care of myself because I want to give my best self to the people I love, to the people of the world, to the people I care for. and so I'm going to keep prioritizing myself. So I went down the wrong journey. When I first started wanting to serve, I used to just think, oh yeah, I'm going to stay up all night. Someone needs me to drive halfway across the country. I'll do that. And I would do things like that. And I started to realize I was just people pleasing. I wasn't serving. I was actually serving my own ego. That was the most selfish thing. Interesting.

43:44It was the most selfish thing because it was just people pleasing. But then I realized, actually me saying, look, you know what? I need to get a good night's sleep tonight. But I promise you first thing in the morning, we're going to talk about this and I'm going to bring my best self to this conversation. People started to respect that and value that and gave me that space. And so for me, as long as your intention is clear, that you're putting yourself first so you can give more, that's the best thing you can do. Because I don't want to die early because I'm negligent of my health. Because that means you're going to serve less in the long term.

44:11This episode of On Purpose is brought to you by Chase Sapphire Reserve. I believe that travel is one of the greatest gifts that we've ever been given. and Chase Sapphire Reserve has been my gateway to the world's most captivating destinations. Every time I travel, I find a part of myself I didn't know was missing. I remember being in this small town, completely unplugged, and for the first time in a while, I felt still. Travel does that. It grounds you, expands you, and connects you to something deeper. That's why I'm always looking for experiences that go beyond the typical. Chase Sapphire Reserve makes traveling a breeze, earning eight times points on all purchases through Chase Travel and granting access to Sapphire Lounge by the club at select airports nationwide.

45:01No matter my destination, travel is more rewarding with Chase Sapphire Reserve. Discover more with Chase Sapphire Reserve at chase.com forward slash sapphire reserve. Cards issued by JPMorgan Chase Bank N.A. Member FDIC Subject to credit approval Terms apply Having the right people in your corner to support you is a great form of self-care Just like the friend who shows up to a housewarming party when you get that dream home celebrates your big promotion or goes with you on a walk to clear your mind State Farm is there to help you feel supported They have different coverage options, whether it be for your home, car, motorcycle, boat, or even RV.

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46:26I think it's a good thing that people are now starting to realize that fatigue is not a badge of honor. That you're only successful if you feel that way at the end of the day. But I think this is what always happens in the world. Balance only comes when we go from one extreme to the other extreme. So at one point, maybe a few years ago, I don't know how long, people were always like, you have to grind and hustle. And that's the only thing about success. And you have to work hard. And if you're not tired, then you're never going to be successful. You're never going to be a millionaire, a billionaire, whatever it is.

46:54And I think that was the talk. And now the talk's gone the other way. If you're not getting a massage every week and you're not sleeping eight hours. And if you're not meditating, you're getting a lymphatic massage. Yeah, exactly. And then it goes to the other extreme. and that's how the world gets back into balance. And we know the answer is the middle, right? We know that you need to feel a bit stretched in order to work on yourself. You need to work on yourself to stretch yourself a little more. And life is never the perfect middle. It's constantly back and forth. And I think that's the mistake.

47:23We're looking for middle or we're looking for extreme. And actually it's just back and forth. It's just oscillating. I'm never applying where I'm like, oh, my life is in perfect balance because balance is a myth. What are three practices for self-care that you live by or that you give as examples? One of my favorite ones is what I talk about emotional vocabulary. So Harvard, and you can Google this, has this great table and it shows how limited our emotional vocabulary is. So what I mean by this is if someone asks you, how's your week been? That's all right. All right, good, bad, fine, okay. All right, how's your week going?

47:59Good. How's your day been? Okay. How are you doing tonight? fine. Right. That's literally how we describe our lives. Sometimes I say so good. I love it. Good. At least you've got an expansive emotional vocabulary. So expansive. So expansive. But our emotional vocabulary is so limited. Now there's a challenge here. We don't get to understand how we truly feel because we never articulate and express it. So when you say that you're angry, are you offended? Are you irritated? Are you defensive? There's so much more to the word angry than just anger. Or when you say I'm sad, when you say you're sad, are you upset?

48:37Are you regretful? Are you triggered? Right? There's just so much more. When you self-diagnose and you limit your vocabulary, you're just like, oh, I'm just sad. I'm just angry. And which means that you can't articulate to yourself what you're really dealing with. And you can't articulate to a friend what you're dealing with. So you don't feel understood. And feeling understood is such an important part of self-care. The feeling that I can articulate what I'm really going through and someone understands me, that's huge for self-care. I think it's one of the most important things of self-care. When you look at someone and you feel they really get me, isn't that so good for your confidence and your self-worth and your significance?

49:15It makes you like them, you feel loved. Exactly. All in one moment. So for me, that's one of the best self-care techniques is when I'm struggling with something, let me not settle for the base level emotion. Let me really understand it. And then if you're speaking to a therapist, you're speaking to your doctor, you're speaking to your friend, you can now actually articulate it better so they can actually help you back. Wow. And you feel understood. Okay. What else you got? Yeah. The second self-care tip that I absolutely love is how we talk to ourselves. Right. And so this to me is probably the biggest one.

49:45One thing I was talking about is I looked at the definition of confidence and I've never done this, but I love looking. Actually, I haven't either. And I talk about confidence all the time. Yeah, so I thought I'd look at the definition. And it starts off by talking about self-assurance. And you think, okay, yeah, that's what I imagined when confidence. And then it says, and it's the appreciation of one's own abilities and qualities, which blew my mind. Notice it didn't say receiving appreciation for your qualities. Yeah, appreciation of one's own abilities and qualities. Not the appreciation of others, not the validation of others, not the approval of others.

50:21But that's why you could say I have confidence in you. Correct. Or I have confidence in myself. Correct. Right? Okay. Yeah. And so the way we talk to ourselves is all over the place. It's key. When you're going out to a party, you dress up and you look at the person and you go, how do I look in this? And I'm like, no, ask yourself, how do I look in this? Like, how do I feel in this? Or when you go to an interview, people say, how would people describe you in three words? It's like, why do we care about how people would describe me? How would I describe myself in three words? and so for me the way we talk to ourselves is such a big thing so i have this mechanism that i love coaching people on and sharing with people it's called spot stop swap spot oh my british accent okay i want to do it with you spot spot a spot of tea spot stop stop swap swap yeah so every time that's very good that's very very and i'm not even that posh but you made me sound really dear startling no poppins is what i have i love it i feel like we need to hold a bit of tea and just can we get a tea but spot stop swap so every time you notice yourself say something negative to yourself oh spot it first start spotting that pattern because that's all it is it's a pattern and we don't realize how much the words we say to ourselves have an impact like when you say something like to yourself like i'm starving right when you say that guess what your body gets triggered into feeling like it's starving oh my god it's a mind and body connected so do i that's why i'm picking on this example whereas what you actually mean is i've been lazy i haven't planned my meals i haven't eaten for two three hours and you're saying i'm starving starving is the person who doesn't know where their next meal is coming from you're just hungry and disorganized right and so when we say to myself i'm exhausted rather than saying i'm going to make time for a nap today or I'm going to sleep earlier today.

52:06You're saying the same thing, but what you're saying is changing. It's a spot, first spot that pattern. One of the things I think a lot of people say to themselves is I'm not good enough. I'm ugly. I'm not beautiful. She's beautiful. He's really good looking. He's got a great body. She's whatever. And if you spot that, where is that happening? It's usually happening when you're browsing through social media. So now let's stop. Let's limit the time you spend in that place with that person, whatever it is that's sparking and triggering that thought. Let's limit that time. And then let's swap it for something better.

52:38So what am I going to swap that with? I'm going to listen to Ashley's podcast. I'm going to read this book that Ashley recommended called The Five Lover Languages. I'm going to go to a class that I've been wanting to go to or a workshop or whatever it may be. Like you've now opened yourself up to swapping it. So spot, stop, swap. So start to spot the patterns, the way you talk to yourself that are bringing you down. Start stopping being in those places and times that spark that thought because there's usually an alignment. and then swap it, upgrade it for something higher. Sweet. Yeah? That's good.

53:08Yeah, so I really love that. I can't say it three times fast, though. Spot, stop, swap. Spot, stop, stop, stop, stop. Stop, stop, stop. Yeah. That's all I got. It's spot, stop, stop, yeah. So that's probably my second one. And my third one, this is probably one of my favorite ones right now. And I think we've been told for a long time that you're the average of the five people you spend most time with. We've heard that again and again and again. And everyone's always like, get together with people you want to be like and stuff. and I've been thinking about that a lot lately and I was, a lot of my friends were saying, you know, Jay, I'm always around people but I still feel lonely.

53:39Yeah. I don't know if you've heard that. Like people are like, I'm busy but I'm lonely. I'm around people. You especially here in LA and New York. Right, yeah, and you feel that. People feel lonely and I said, the challenge is we need to stop getting together and we need to start growing together. And what I mean by that is schedule one experience once a week with a friend where you're both growing together. Choose an activity that neither of you are a pro at. So don't go to yoga class if one of you is a yoga enthusiast and the other isn't. Go somewhere where there's a level playing field. Why?

54:07Because you now get a fresh experience together. It's so good because it boosts your confidence. Who cares if you're bad? Totally. And because you're going together and you're both bad, there's no pressure. And my best memory of this is once for training, I was sent to Chicago and it was 80 of us who'd never worked together. This was when I joined a corporate company. 80 of us were sent to Chicago for training, but we were told it was Chicago, but actually we were two hours outside of Chicago in the middle of nowhere. And we'd be at training 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. And then at 6 p.m., it was too late to get into Chicago.

54:35So we'd have to do something. And the only thing we could do is play sport because there were all these outdoor sports places. 10 of us every night would go out and we played volleyball in the snow. None of us had ever played volleyball before. I could pick up the phone to any of these people today because we all just had this crazy, unique experience together. That's so funny. And you're learning something together. And I think we underestimate this. Learning something every day is huge for your self-care because you only feel good about yourself when you feel you're progressing. So I started this really simple habit and it's learning a new word every single day.

55:09Oh, oh, I've been writing down new words in my notes. Oh, I love this. Okay, amazing. So literally learning a new word every day. And you may say, Jay, I want to learn a new city or I want to learn about a new culture or I want to learn about a new cuisine or I want to learn, but make it small and something you can achieve like in three minutes. And so my word today was Meraki, M-E-R-A-K-I. Meraki. Yeah. And what it means is to do something with soul or to create and leave a piece of you in it, in what you create. And what I love about that word is now I've shared that with you. We're now having a discussion about it.

55:42You've now contributed to a conversation. Your self-worth gets boosted because you've learned something new. You prove to yourself you can remember and share it. Those are just some answers straight away that came to my mind. Practices that I think are really simple. They are simple. And I'm glad you explained them because I think sometimes people just rattle things off and they don't go into explanation. And I think that's really important. I think that a lot of people are looking for peace. What do you say to those people who are just in search of peace? I'm glad you asked this. So the tagline of my book is called train your mind for peace and purpose every day.

56:17Wow. I believe that it's something that can be trained. And I believe it's something that you have to take responsibility for. The world around you is never going to be fully peaceful ever. Even if there was world peace, you would still not have peace with a little argument with your partner or a little issue at work. Like that's never going to disappear. So the desire for everything around you to be calmed is a wishful thought that doesn't have an end. Whereas the feeling of wanting to create calm and peace within is very realistic. And the point is that that peace is always going to get triggered.

56:54And I think that's the mistake we make. We're looking for this perfect, consistent, never touched definition of peace. Whereas peace is something you're constantly training yourself to look for. So what I would say is that people should try and find the one activity they have in their day that brings them peace. It could be sitting and having their morning tea. It could be sitting and reading from a book they love. It could be having a beautiful conversation with their partner, whatever it is, just have one activity a day that brings you peace. In my book, obviously, I talk about a lot more than that.

57:25But to find just something that brings you peace, it could be a mindset that brings you peace. So I really believe that all stress, pressure, or lack of peace comes from your mind being ahead of your body or your body being ahead of your mind. So how many times have you been in a scenario where your mind's like racing really, really fast and your body's like, oh, I just want to be in bed. Right. Right? Everyone been in that situation? Yeah. Or you're in the opposite scenario where your body is moving really, really fast, doing a lot, but your mind's like, oh, I'm still wanting to be in bed. Oh, that was me yesterday.

57:58Right. So we've all experienced both. You get into all this in your book, don't you? Yes. Oh, I can't wait to read it. So the alignment of the two is what creates peace. Let's imagine I was running late today and I'm stressing. I'm like, I haven't thought about this and I don't know what it's about. And maybe I'm, you know, all that stuff that we know that you'd be stressed about when you're running to work and I'm sitting in the back of a Lyft or an Uber or I'm driving and I turn up to the meeting. Because you live in LA and you can drive. Correct. So what I would do is I sit down and I breathe in for the same count that I breathe out.

58:30Oh yeah. So I breathe in for a count of four and through the nose, out through the nose, out through the mouth. And I breathe out for a count of four. Now, when you breathe in for the same amount of time as you breathe out, you're aligning your body and mind. Why? Because your mind is counting one, two, three, four, and your body in unison is breathing in and out. One, two, three, four. This is very similar to hypnobirthing. Yes. Oh, no, I didn't know that. I was doing hypnotherapy, but hypnobirthing. No, but what they're teaching me through going through contractions and things. It's amazing because it connects your body and your mind and it helps you deal with any kind of stress.

59:02Yes. And because I'll be going through physical stress, it's going to help me through that. Amazing. Yeah, I love that. And that's the point that whenever your mind or body are ahead or behind of each other, that's where you feel a lack of peace. Right. And so you find peace when you come back into alignment. So Gandhi said, when what you think, what you say, and what you do are aligned, then you'll feel peace and harmony. Well, I'm excited for more Jay Shetty knowledge. Thank you. You're very kind. No, you are kind. You're very kind, honestly. And I really love our conversations because A, you ask amazing questions.

59:32B, you make it very fun to be around you. And C, I'm just so impressed right now. I am blown away. Thank you for being here. Thank you for having me. But before I let you go, there's one thing that we do at the end of every pretty big deal. Okay. Everybody kind of freaks out when I say that. Do I have to do that again? You don't have to get up and do a dance or anything. Oh, good. But you do have to answer a couple of questions. Okay. We do the Live Boldly lightning round. Oh, I like it. What's the last pretty penny you spent? Oh, probably these. Oh, those are good. Yeah. He's lifting up his shoe.

1:00:03Yeah, yeah, yeah. These are nice trainers. What's your biggest deal breaker? On, in what scenario? In any, any scenario. No intention. Oh, that's good. If I don't feel someone has an intention. It doesn't have to be right or wrong because I think that's subjective. Right. But it's like an empty question. Correct. Like, where's the heart? Yeah. Like, is there any heart? Is there soul? Is there intention to this? Or is it just because? All right. And because we're on Pretty Big Deal and you're a pretty big deal, I want to know what's a pretty big deal to you. I'm not used to being on the other side of these.

1:00:35I ask a lot of these questions. I'd put on the other side with you. I know. I know. You were great. A pretty big deal to me is being able to make really meaningful friendships after 30 years old. As we get older, I think it gets hard to build really deep, meaningful relationships. A pretty big deal to me is finding really meaningful, deep, beautiful relationships that are genuine, authentic, that I could pick up the phone to in a tough time, that would call me in a tough time. Yeah, I put that above everything. You make a good point there. Jay, thank you so much for coming on Pretty Big Deal. I really appreciate it.

1:01:06Oh, you're the serious. Thank you. This was so much fun. It was. I love this.

1:01:18Check this out. On an average commercial flight, the captain has the autopilot engaged about 90 % of the time. And some psychologists estimate that we make about 90 % of our decisions similarly on autopilot without thinking. But unlike an airline pilot, when we take our hands off the controls, we don't usually end up where we want to go. But don't worry, there's a simple way that we can stay dialed in. The next seven minutes are about intention and adding direction to the choices you make in life. I'm Jay Shetty. Welcome to The Daily Jay. Now before we take off, let's pause and take three deep breaths to help us get centered.

1:02:11Breathing in and breathing out. Inviting inward and releasing outward. Opening up And settling in Now let me tell you a story Before I started high school If you'd have asked me what my worst subject was I'd have said art, no question But then, I met Mr. Buckridge He was an art teacher in my school Tall and thin and I remember how he always wore these red checkered shirts and knit ties. I also remember something Mr. Buckridge would do that really bugged me, at least at first. He'd stroll around the room looking at our work and each time he'd stop at my desk and ask me this question. Why? Like, why had I decided to use that colour combination?

1:03:20I don't know, I'd say, because it looks cool Mr. Buckridge would shake his head That's not a real reason He always pushed me to really think things through To be clear about my choices And honestly, that's where I first learned the power And the importance of intentionality That lesson has helped me throughout my life And it's one that can help you too When I left high school, art had gone from being my worst class to my best. But it wasn't because I got good at painting or drawing. I didn't. I'm still terrible at them. It's because I learned to look at the world through the lens of intention.

1:04:07And now, today, if I'm launching a new project, or even just decorating my office, at every step along the way, I know my why. When we ask why, it's like turning on a light in a dark room. We're no longer just feeling our way around, hoping we'll eventually find the door. Instead, we have a vision and a direction. It also ensures that we're living with purpose, instead of being driven by unquestioned impulses or unexamined emotions, that were not living life on autopilot or playing follow the leader? Why is an opportunity to check in with yourself to make sure that your actions align with your values and your priorities?

1:04:59Here's a simple yet profound exercise. Today, at each decision point you encounter, as you contemplate your choice, pause and ask yourself, Why? Okay, it doesn't have to be every decision considering how many we actually make in a day but try to do it for a few hours Why am I having cereal for breakfast? Why am I opting to wear this shirt? Why am I stopping to buy a coffee on my way to work? And why did I choose this coffee shop? Remember, answers like because it's cool or because I always do will get the Mr. Buckridge buzzer. Challenge yourself to go deeper. You might be surprised at what you discover and how being more thoughtful and deliberate impacts your life.

1:05:57I know it may seem like a little thing, but asking yourself why gives you back the controls so you can fly with direction and intention. And with that in mind, let's practice our intentionality as we turn to our meditation. First, get comfortable wherever you are and be purposeful about what that means for you in this moment. During this practice, you shouldn't do anything just because it's what you usually do. Instead, be very deliberate. So, eyes open or closed. And consider why you're making that choice.

1:06:53Tune in to your breath here. And you can keep flowing along with your natural rhythm. or mindfully breathe a little deeper.

1:07:14Feel free to hold your attention on your breath or consciously shift your awareness somewhere else like a sensation in your body or a sound in the environment.

1:07:37Now take a moment to think about your day so far. Why are you where you are right now?

1:07:51Why are you listening to The Daily J?

1:08:00Why are you listening at this time of day in this place?

1:08:09And now let's open this up. How often do you do things with clarity of purpose and intention? And how often would you say you're on autopilot?

1:08:26As you move through life, when and where could you ask yourself why?

1:08:35How could this transform your life for the better?

1:08:43Personally, my why for the Daily J is very clear. I'm incredibly motivated to help others live their most mindful lives. I hope Mr. Buckridge would be proud Thanks for being here And I'll see you tomorrow

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1:11:24Each week, we sit down with your favorite iHeart podcast hosts and some very special guests to discuss the latest and greatest audiobooks from Audible. Listen to Earsay on America's number one podcast network, iHeart. Follow Earsay and start listening on the free iHeart radio app today. This is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human