3 Traits that Negatively Affect Our Thoughts & How to Gradually Break Free from Your Limitations

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29:01Restrictions apply. Service is not available in all areas. I think there's something really interesting about speed and pace in life and especially career as you asked a question about career when you're starting out you have to make a lot of quick decisions and you have to move quite fast in order to get something off the ground. But that comes with a lot of mistakes and baggage and sometimes you set yourself up for issues in the future. And I found that I'm happy I started fast, but I think as things grew fast as well, I wish I slowed down earlier to really take the time to be really mindful about certain career choices and about even the people you invite into your life through work and careers.

29:51and so I think sometimes when you're moving fast you like you just work with everyone you work with anyone you just want to get on it you want to get going people would always say your team is the most important thing the people around you the most important thing and today I am so grateful for the amazing team I have around me Annie's in the room and a bunch of incredible people that I have in my team who I'm so proud of but I think that the idea of being selective and thoughtful wasn't always there for me because you're just trying to move and get stuff done. And I think there's a time and place for that.

30:23I'm not saying you shouldn't be that way because in the beginning, you just got to go with it. But I wish I started thinking about that earlier. And I'm glad I figured it out now, but I wish I could have thought about that even earlier. I like that. I think that is really good advice. We do forget to slow down. And I mean, I think even when I'm asking you a question and you take a second to think it through, the atmosphere in the room changes. Suddenly I slow down and then I wait for you to speak. So I just, it is interesting how slowing down in general is really good. Yeah, and I think we think slowing down means achieving less.

30:56Yeah. And I don't think that's true. I think slowing down can actually make you more impactful. If you look at some of the best, I'm a big fan of rap and hip hop music, or I was growing up at least, like Kendrick Lamar takes like two to three years to create an album. Like he's slowed down. Right. But every time it comes out, everyone's really excited and they're pumped and the album's always dope and everyone's like wow that's art or that's a masterpiece and so not everyone's going to be okay with waiting three years for an album yeah but if that's what you're trying to create then that's what it's going to take yeah i like that and i think i think it's really important for anyone out there is the slowing down and then i think also there's just that memory of the fact you you kind of brush with it in the beginning about how in a way if someone's giving you advice and somebody you want to hear it's you may just be in the wrong room i think a lot of people stop too fast you know they're just instead of slowing down just being like okay and i've done i've done stand-up a while back of one of my shows and i kind of explained that you know if today no one laughed at my jokes i'm not going to just give up it just means i was in the wrong room and i'm just going to keep going to the until i find the right people in the right room yeah so but i like that because that has to do with all the doors they close on you and open and you slowing down and finding the correct team.

32:13So very monk of you. I'm very bad at slowing down. So am I, so am I. I think it's the pace of the world we live in, right? Like, I think even you look at, let's look at the creator world. Like you look at someone like Mr. Beast who shifted to being like, I'm only going to create a video every month. Most YouTubers up until now thought they had to create a YouTube video every day. And here's, you know, the biggest guy on YouTube of all time going, I'm going to create one video a month and it's going to be the best video ever. But I'm going to make one video a month or maybe two videos a month. But it was different because we grew up, like up until the last couple of years, YouTubers were making videos every day.

32:51Well, it's always someone that starts it. Logan started it, Logan Paul. And he did a great job with it too when he did that. And then he was over it. But then because he starts something that everyone else thinks they have to catch up. That's the comparison part. Exactly. I just have to keep up. I have to keep up with people who are going to forget about me versus I'm here to create art and I need to slow down. And it may work for that person. And like there are certain people who can make incredible things every day. I'm not saying there aren't people. I mean, there's TV shows, there's radio shows that make something amazing every day.

33:17I think it's about figuring out what you want to make and not comparing it. So if you know what you want to make, you're not trying to keep up to someone else's pace. And I think we're trying to keep up with someone else's speed rather than setting our own pace. What's the biggest lie you've ever told yourself? Ooh. Oh, this could go one of two ways. one is that I'm not good enough. And the other one is I am good enough. And I'll explain. So when you tell yourself the lie, I'm not good enough. A lot of us get into that self-sabotage, critical, judgmental behavior. We just talked about comparison, complaining, and criticizing.

34:00Often we complain, compare, and criticize more about ourselves than we do anyone else. So we look in the mirror. I hate the way I look. We have a meeting with someone. Oh, they're much smarter than I am. We are applying for a job or looking for an opportunity and we think, I'm not good enough. And we lie to ourselves because we'd rather not put ourselves in the risky position of trying and accept failure before someone else rejects us. We often feel it's better to reject ourselves than for someone to reject us. And then that replays in our minds. And we keep saying, I'm not good enough. And it's a lie because you don't know.

34:42And when you try something, when you give it a go, when you take an opportunity, you often realize you're better at things than you imagined. You're better at things than you ever thought you could be because you tried. And I've had personal experience of that where, you know, I was a really shy kid growing up and my parents forced me to go to public speaking school when I was 11 years old. And they forced me to go because they were scared that I wouldn't be confident as a speaker. And they were right because before then I used to get, when I was seven years old, I remember going on stage and the audience thought I was not great as a performer, as a speaker.

35:21I mean, you were seven. Yeah. I mean, you think you would do better. Well, let me tell you what happened. Let me tell you the story about what happened. I was asked to speak at a school assembly And I was asked to speak and sing from my culture So from the Indian culture And I was dressed in traditional Indian clothes Now growing up I was overweight And I was wearing these clothes And I didn't look so great in them Especially in front of the kids at my school So I walked out and all the kids in the school started laughing I then started singing I do not have a good singing voice I started singing this prayer in my language And from where my parents are from and everyone started laughing more.

35:57Jesus. And then I started crying because I felt so embarrassed. On stage? On stage. And then I forgot the words and I looked down and my tears had smudged the words. So I completely lost track. And then everyone's completely lost it. And then my teacher has to come on stage, put her arm around me and walk me off, which is even more embarrassing as a seven-year-old. And so that was my first experience of public speaking. and so my parents really wanted me to go to public speaking school but the point is I was nervous to go but if I never went I'd never be able to do what I do today so you're not gonna know until you go right that's one side the other lie of why I am good enough is a lie I've told myself is I've applied for jobs that I don't have the qualifications for I've had and not I've never lied about who I am but I've applied for things that I'm not good enough for I've reached out to try and make things possible because you have to, right?

36:52You're not just going to sit there and be like, I'm going to wait till I have it all together. And so I think it's important for people to recognize both of those ways where sometimes you don't have to pretend you're good enough. You have to be honest and say, Hey, I'm not good enough, but I love this opportunity. And I send messages like that all the time. I always send people a message saying, Hey, I know you could do something way bigger than this, but this is what my idea is. And I'm okay with that. That actually reminds me when I was at university and we had some exam that I didn't study for and everyone else was studying right before the test.

37:23And they're like, V, are you going to study? And I go, no, because you know why? I have God. And I don't know why I said that in that moment. I said, I'll just say a little prayer and I'm going to score. I'm going to get an A. I was overly confident. And then I did my little prayer. Hey God, if you're listening, it's your favorite Jew. Like, please give me an A and everyone else studied. I took the test. Guess what happened? I failed. So I was like, okay, so that was a little too confident. so that's amazing yeah yeah exactly so yeah that's a wonderful i mean obviously i'm not saying it's great that you got bullied when you were seven but what a what a wonderful experience that you were able to take something like that and now your whole career is public speaking yeah i always love hearing stories like that that somebody decided instead of caring about what everyone else thinks you're like okay you know what watch me and then you're like the top motivational speaker now Yeah.

38:15Not even, you know, like not even to, I genuinely mean this again. Like I never do things with the intention of revenge or showing someone what I can do because that means I'm still giving them the power and saying that how they feel about me is still more important than how I feel about myself. I like that. Can you kind of elaborate before we dive into your book right now? Can you kind of elaborate really quick about why it's so important to forgive people just in your heart not in general where you have to be around them again but in your heart because it eats you up so yeah when you carry around unforgiveness in your heart it's so heavy that it blocks energy from the things you really care about and want to do whereas when you choose to forgive you're almost removing this massive boulder that's weighing on your heart, which then frees you up to love others and receive more love.

39:18And so if your hand is holding tightly onto something, there's no space to hold onto anything else. And if we're tightly holding onto revenge and bitterness and negativity towards someone, then there's no open palm for receiving love and connection and compassion from someone else. And so to me, forgiveness is not about forgetting and letting go of what the other person did or not setting boundaries. Forgiveness is saying, I want to make space for more love, not less love. I like that. But do you think that some people, they may not realize this? Because I think I read this research a long time ago.

40:01Some speaker said this, about how they think they don't want to be bitter. they think they don't want to be resentful or feel hate, but that's all they know. And sometimes it's scary to, if every day I wake up and I'm miserable, unhappy with my life, or my purpose now is just to hate someone else. It's scary then to wake up the following day and be like, you know what, today I choose love. Because then you're like, what am I going to do with my life now if I have so much happiness to give instead of hating someone all day? Yeah. I forget what book it is and I can't remember it but um there's a concept that talks about how having a common enemy is often a way to unite people yeah yeah and even unite with ourselves and so that's what you're referring to and it's why so many it's a marketing strategy yeah religions philosophies brands have a common evil so that we can get excited about defeating someone and beating someone.

40:55And I agree. It's not like waking up exactly. It's not waking up and saying I choose love and that doesn't exist anymore. It's just saying I'm not living to prove or disprove anyone else because the only approval that matters is my own. So you're just saying I don't want to live to approve or disprove anyone else. I only want to live for my own approval. It's that decision as opposed to choosing love. Do you kind of have some example, an idea of how you, or a lesson in your time as a monk or after it, where something kind of shaped your perspective on love and relationships? I'd say the biggest one was this idea that monks didn't wait to receive love.

41:43They chose to express love or kindness or compassion or joy in every meeting. So what I found is that monks lived a life of love not because people loved them, but because they loved others. And I think we think about love as being something you get and receive and people give to you as opposed to, I can feel love just by being nice and kind to someone else. And when I choose to do that, I am feeling love. and I think also the idea that in the monastery I felt a lot of love from my teachers, I felt a lot of love from my peers, I felt a lot of love from the people we served and I think modern society has created romantic love and put romantic love on a pedestal.

42:37So we think that if I have romantic love, then my life is perfect. And if I don't have romantic love, then I'm not worthy. And as a monk, you don't have romantic love, but I felt so much love, which made me realize that we shouldn't devalue other forms of love, love for your parents, love for your children, love for your friends, love for your family. How can we say that there's a hierarchy of love? But I think subconsciously we do. I think somewhere in our hearts, we believe that the epitome of love is between two people who romantically love each other. But I would disagree with that. I'd say that there are lots of different types of love and none of them should be compared to the other.

43:20I like that because in your book, Eight Rules of Love, there's two of the rules. One of them, you discuss service, what you can do for others. Another one, you discuss unconditional love, which we're going to dive into because for me, it's hard to see how unconditional love is possible. I think people want that. But me personally, from my own experience, when it's come to unconditional love, is that love comes growing up. It felt like love comes with terms and conditions. And if I don't fulfill a certain term or people get everything they need from me, they leave. So do you think unconditional love is actually realistic?

43:56Of course you do, obviously. I think unconditional love is real. I just don't know if it's realistic for two people in a romantic relationship as quickly as people want it to be. Okay, it's quickly. Yeah, I like that. So I think that unconditional love is a tall order and reciprocal love is more realistic. What you just described is transactional love and below that is no love. so if you look at love as layers when you meet someone new you don't love them and they don't love you you don't know that i'm kidding yeah yeah you don't know uh what you just talked about is what i would call transactional love where it's like you give me what i want i give you what you want and then we're done with each other right and that's a lot of people experience that today sadly a lot of people that i've been speaking to recently are experiencing that sense of immature people who just want to use someone take and they're in their own pain, but that doesn't give them an excuse to do that.

44:59Higher than that is reciprocal love. That means I do nice things for you. You do nice things for me and we don't count, but we love each other. And then the highest is unconditional love where I'm ready to do anything for you. And I don't even care whether you don't do anything for me. That's a parent love. And that's, yeah, exactly. And parent love, right? Is that what you said? Yeah. Like that's like how parents love their kids for sure. and that's the kind of love that exists realistically with unconditional love but romantic love has to go through these levels because you can't just skip to unconditional love we think if you put the ring on the finger or you got married or you moved in you automatically move into unconditional love and that's just not true and so I would want people to just pace themselves better don't fall in love too fast because that's why it's called falling in love because you're moving so fast that you can't even walk, right?

45:50You're just falling over yourself. And I think if we move slower, maybe we could walk in love a bit longer and then maybe learn to run. Yeah. So you can grow in love. Exactly. That's the goal. Yeah. Okay. So that unconditional love was your number four rule. But if you kind of go backwards really quick, because many of us grow feeling unloved or we feel like we don't actually understand what love is. Many of us still don't know the definition of love because we think it's toxic or based on whatever our parents were. So in your first rule, it's in kind of the whole theme of around your book, it's the idea that love is not just an emotion, but a skill.

46:26And I like that because a skill gives me hope that I can, you know, the more you do a skill, the more you get to learn how to be better. So how can we kind of shift our mindset to see love in that way? And then what are some practical exercises we can do to develop our ability to love as a skill? I love that. That shows me how thoughtfully you've read the book because that's such a nuanced point. Like that's such a subtle point, but it's so important because, so I love what you said and you already took the words out of my mouth that love is a skill and a practice, which means you can learn to love, which means other people can learn to love and which means you can build it as a foundation.

47:06If love is just a feeling or an emotion, then you're always trying to chase it and find it and you don't know what it looks like. So here's a habit. Here's a couple of habits. Every day, find something you love about your body. And it could be, often when people think of that, they think I have to think of something aesthetic. And I'm like, go beyond. Think about your organs. Like your heart is just working away every day with no love. When was the last time you showed love to your beating heart? And you think about how much love you think you give to others and they don't give you it in return.

47:48That's your heart. Your heart is giving love to you every single day by keeping you alive. Yet we rarely think of our heart. Think about how easy it is to forget about the thing that keeps you beating, breathing and alive. Right? Like we just forget about it. And that translates into our relationships as well. And so the first thing is every day or every week, find one thing you love about your body, one thing you love about your mind, and one thing you love about your heart. If you can start that practice, you are learning to build self-love. That's a habit for self-love. I'm not telling you to say it out loud.

48:25I'm not telling you to say it in the mirror. I'm just saying, can you acknowledge that there's so much good here and there's so much worthy of love? Now, a habit to love someone else, a great way is saying, I'm going to learn when this person needs attention and when they need space. I'm going to do a little experiment to say, do I actually know this person well enough to know whether they need space, attention, awareness? That's love. And that's a habit and a skill. I can tell, and me and my wife do this with each other all the time, like I'm always trying to learn, does my wife need me to be a fixer or does she need me to be a listener that's love that's a skill that's why love is a skill i can learn to know that and if i'm learning i can ask her do you want me to be a listener right now do you want me to be a fixer i love that just asking that question it's not complicated and she could say jay i just want you to be a listener tonight or and i need you to fix this for me right now and yesterday she came up to me she was like i really need to talk to you about something i want to figure this out and i was like great so we're in fixer mode right and then that helps her love you back and the third thing is tell people how you want to be loved i think so often we're scared because we think if we tell someone how to love us it's a weakness but actually if you tell someone this is how i feel loved now they get to choose whether they want to love you in that way or not right rather than expecting them to read your mind and figure who out who you are tell them share with them right because you end up setting them up for failure oh they don't care and so on yeah and some people just most people have just not been trained to like notice these things like people just not can't read between the lines well normally we assume people love the way we love yes we don't realize there's so many different love languages i mean i grew up half of my life thinking my dad didn't love me and my dad every day did his best to show me that he loved me by giving me something his father didn't give him which was a roof over my head and supporting me financially.

50:22But I never got hugged by him when I never heard the words that he loved me. So I'm like, what does my dad hate me? When I got older, I realized that's all he knew. Like he doesn't know how to show love. He did his best and we connected again. And I feel so always thankful that I was able to learn all these different love languages and got to learn and give my father and I another chance. I love that. I think so many people in this life don't give other people a chance and they just assume, oh, that person doesn't care about me. That's so beautiful. That's an amazing reflection. I really appreciate it.

50:53No, I genuinely do. That's so great because, yeah, we want to be loved the way we give love. And we don't realize there are so many beautiful ways to show love to someone and receive love. And actually, if you tell someone, I only want to be loved this way, you miss out on the way they can love you too. Oh, I like that. I love that a lot. Okay. Your third rule in your book, you wrote that it's about love is an antidote to fear. And we earlier discussed fear. Can you kind of discuss how fear can really hold us back from experiencing a connection? Fear is just an unformed boundary. So fear is a boundary in the making, but it isn't yet a boundary.

51:39And that's why it's still a fear. And so what we have to do is we have to take our fears and we have to turn them into principles, agreements and boundaries. So if I have a fear that someone may leave me, instead of keeping it that way, I'm going to set a boundary saying I'm not going to get too close too quick without the person showing me they're ready for commitment. Right. I'm not just going to make up in my head and pretend what I think this relationship should be. so I'm going to change my fear into a principle I can live, right? As opposed to just saying, I'm just going to constantly be scared of this.

52:16For example, if I'm scared that someone doesn't love me, I'm going to set an agreement with my partner to say, every week we do this, this, and this because it makes us feel close together. And does that person want to commit to that? If they do, great, we now have an agreement, which means we don't have to hold on to that fear. So we need to change our fears into boundaries, agreements, and commitments to each other so that both people are not walking around with insecurities. Right. Because people get scared to even communicate in that way. But at least then you would know if your partner is willing to go the extra mile with you or not versus just living in fear.

52:53Exactly. Like I remember when I first met my wife, I was scared. I had a fear that the amount I care about my purpose could scare someone away. So that was my fear. My personal fear was I am so committed to the life I want to create and build that it may scare someone away. So I said that to my wife when we were dating. I said, my purpose is going to come first to me forever because I love it. It's my life and soul to help people. Is that okay with you? Is that something you're comfortable with? And then we looked at what that looks like on a practical a level and luckily i have a wife who understands that about me and she said the same thing to me she said my number one priority is my family and we had that open and honest conversation and because of that there hasn't been this weird feeling when i jump on a plane to do something that's my purpose she's not going to me well why are you going where are you going and if she's saying i need to be back with my family i'm not there going well you've been there a lot this year like because there's a respect and there's an understanding of that's what fuels you so you can turn your fear into a conversation a principle and a boundary and a commitment which frees you now she could have said no jay i don't want you to live that way and then we would have figured that path out and seen where that would have gone but i think a lot of us are scared and then what we don't realize is we end up living out our fears in the future right yeah it doesn't go away one thing i've been reflecting on lately is how even the smallest choices can and create a big impact over time.

54:28Whether it's choosing to spend a quiet night in to recharge or making a decision that brings you closer to a long-term goal, those moments of intention really matter. And when it comes to the choices we make with our money, that same mindset applies. I've learned that saving for the things that truly matter, like your first home or a reliable car, starts with small, thoughtful decisions. That's why I appreciate what State Farm is doing with their personal price plan. It gives you the power to personalize your plan and create an affordable price that works for your life. You can bundle your home and auto insurance in a way that supports your journey and your goals.

55:08Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with the personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. availability amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state support for this podcast is brought to you by walden university if you're listening right now and feeling that pull to grow in your career or make a bigger impact walden is designed exactly for that for over 50 years they've helped working adults get the w with the knowledge confidence and real skills to create meaningful change.

55:51What makes Walden stand out is how flexible it is. With Walden's tempo learning, you're in control. No set weekly deadlines, no rigid schedules, just a pace that actually fits your life. And everything you learn is practical. You're working through real-world scenarios that prepare you to make a positive difference in your community and beyond. You're also guided by faculty who've lived the work themselves, scholars and practitioners with real experience this is the kind of opportunity that reminds you it's never too late to go after what you want if you've been waiting for the right moment this is it head to waldenu.edu and take that first step walden university set a course for change certified to operate by chev like literally if you say i'm just going to take a step back and just in case if they want to leave me then i won't be all in and then because you're not all and they're thinking, oh, the person's not interested.

56:48Exactly. Rather than you sharing it. And then all your fears actually come true. I think a lot of the time that's what happens. Yes. I dated someone that kept getting scared that something was going to happen during our dating and then we would break up because of it. And we, in the end, end up breaking up because of it. Wow. Yeah. That's it. That's it. Yeah. Your fears become your future for sure. I love how well you and your wife communicate. Like I am honestly astonished by it. And everything that you're saying, there's so many things you're saying in my brain. I'm like, oh my God, I want to like save it.

57:14Press save so I can remember. It's such good advice. For people out there who may not have this type of relationship you have with your wife or with other partners or in general, who are currently struggling with loneliness, and this book really helps to understand all the different types of love. What is your message to those that may be struggling with loneliness or heartbreak or lack of love in their lives? Being alone is a great time to get to know yourself. because when you get with someone else, you often start adopting their behaviors, their likes, their patterns. Nothing wrong with that.

57:49But if you don't know who you are in the first place, that's why so many people say, I lost myself in the relationship. Right. Or I forgot who I was. But it's like you weren't really sure in the beginning. And so being alone after a heartbreak is such a great time to get awareness of who you are. And I think it's so important to go Well what do I like and what do I not like What kind of life do I want to create And what kind of life do I want to build What's important to me, what's a priority to me And what isn't And when you start taking that interest in yourself We, most often we don't find ourselves interesting That's why we want someone else in our life To make life interesting But if you learn to become interested in yourself I promise you life will become more interesting And you like to take joy in your own company And by the way, that applies even if you're in a relationship.

58:39Even if you're in a relationship, spending time alone is so healthy for a sense of self-esteem, for a sense of self-awareness. And so this isn't just a skill that you have to practice when you're alone. It's a skill you have to practice when you're with someone. If you're constantly around someone, you are going to dissolve your identity into who they are and who you become in the relationship. And that's not bad per se, but it's not healthy for your own long term. that's why people have been married for three decades and one person says, I haven't achieved my goals. I don't know who I am. It's not because they didn't have a good relationship with that person.

59:15It's because you didn't have a good relationship with yourself. Often when people end up in breakups or divorce, it's not because they didn't have a great relationship. It's because they didn't have a good relationship with themselves and they sacrificed or put aside parts of themselves, thinking that that made the relationship better. Only years later to find, I wish I didn't do that. So I think those times are times to really get to know yourself. And the way you get to know yourself is doing things by yourself, taking yourself out on dates, going out to dinner on your own, going out and finding the friends that you want to connect with, going and developing the habits and the disciplines and the routines that are fruitful for you.

59:50If you do that, you start to attract the right community around you as well. I think a lot of people are afraid to take a look in the mirror, spend time with themselves. Because deep down, they may not like who they are. And I think that's a lot of people's biggest fear that what if I get to know myself and I don't like that person? The best thing is you can change it and you're not that person. Like you're not the person you feel like right now. You're something so much more powerful beyond it, beneath it. And you can become anything you want to be. Like you truly can. And I think we, if you do get to know yourself and you don't like yourself, I promise you another person will not solve that.

1:00:29Period. Right, it just won't. I like that. From your eight rules, What would you say has been over the course of your life, the hardest rule for you to follow? I think the hardest one is always the rule that's win or lose together. So because your ego is a daily, weekly, monthly, yearly battle. And when your partner's being stubborn and you don't want to give in and you want to point them out or you want to trip them up or you want to call them out we do that and oftentimes i think that's what ruins relationships is our partners trying and we want to act all hard to get and then we try and then they're acting all hard to get or we're trying to be nice but they're not being sincerely nice so we want to call that out like i think we just call out our partners a lot in a way that we don't do to anyone else.

1:01:27Right. Like we pick their faults more. We pick out their insecurities more. We dig at them more. We know them better. So we know which buttons to push to get a reaction. And I think that's - Instead of just saying, hey, when you're not around, it hurts my feelings. Totally. We don't want to, we want to say it in a passive aggressive way. Oh, you're with your friends tonight. Okay, I guess that's better for you than to hang out with your wife. Exactly, exactly. We want to say that rather than just saying, hey, this week, shall we plan which nights we're going to spend together? It's the same thing.

1:02:00And I think that's why win or lose together, it's really interesting. I was thinking about this. We spend so much time trying to win someone over, and then we want them to lose arguments. And it doesn't make any sense. We spend all this time trying to win someone over, to impress them, for them to love us, and then we want them to lose. And I wish we could just give ourselves and them more grace in relationships because if you win and they lose, you both lose. And if you lose and they win, you both lose. So you have two choices. You either win together or you lose together. But if you win and they lose, that's a loss because you sleep in the same bed, you live in the same house, you wake up with that person, you're sharing energy now.

1:02:46And whether you like it or not, if you're trying to put them down or pick them apart, that is going to affect you every day. And you're setting yourself up. I don't want to live in a house where we hate each other or don't like each other or take shots at each other every day. I just don't want to live in that environment. Why would you put yourself through that? You might as well be alone. Right. Right. Because sometimes you can focus so much on winning an argument and that that's how you lose versus we're arguing, but how can we win together by coming to an agreement. We focus so much on winning an argument that we often lose the person because of it.

1:03:24And so often it's not about you losing the argument and them winning either. It's about saying, how do we win together? Because we're on the same team. But how can you do that without accidentally giving too much of yourself? Because you know how everything you're saying is so peaceful and so wonderful but then sometimes we forget that it takes two people to tango you need your partner to be as understanding as you are so what if every day i'm the one that's like it's okay don't worry about my feelings as long as we can win together and that's the mistake that's such a great question and that's the mistake i'm not saying you say my feelings don't matter it doesn't matter i'll give in that's not what winning together looks like winning doesn't mean tolerance winning together doesn't mean like you're just tolerant of someone else's issues and things.

1:04:13It's creating agreements, commitments, and boundaries together. Us coming together and saying, okay, this is a weekly problem in this house. How are we going to solve it? It's not me saying, you're the issue. You need to change this. You need to sort it out. It's saying, this is something we both disagree on. How are we going to take care of it? I'll give a silly example in my own house. The bed was never made. The bed was never made. My wife wakes up earlier than me So in her head it was my job to make the bed Now I wake up later But I feel like I've got a million things to do And so I'm thinking well She can take care of it later on Now if we never talk about it This could be an issue that lasts for years And all the studies show That most couples argue about the same things For long amounts of time It's not that you have new fights You have the same fights again and again I'm taking a silly example Just to help the situation now the reason why i don't like doing the bed is because we have way too many cushions on that bed i don't need bed pillows i just need the pillow i sleep with and the duvet she wants the decorative pillows on top so we made an agreement and a commitment we would limit the decorative pillows and the last person to wake up would do the bed oh and that agreement has solved that problem where five out of seven days i'm the last person to get out of bed and so i'll do it i'm happy to do it But we've also limited the amount of pillows so that I'm not having to like do all this decorative stuff that I'm not a huge fan of in the morning because it may not be like the right act for me.

1:05:41And so I've taken a very silly example, but the point is that's what winning together looks like. Winning together doesn't look like her saying, oh, Jay, it's fine if you just want to leave the bed. And then she's growing resentment. Exactly. Or it doesn't mean me saying, I'll do all this decorative stuff for you, honey, because I'm going to pretend. And now you're growing resentment. But then I'm growing resentment. Why would we do that, right? Like it's not a compromise. It's trying to create a commitment and agreement together that we can both vibe with. It would have been funny if you're like, so now every morning I wake up at 4 a.m.

1:06:07Yeah, I'm going to beat you, so you have to do it. Yeah, I like that. It's a compromise. Okay, that is really good. You shared so many powerful lessons and insights in your book. Can you kind of share another lesson or piece of advice that you believe that has the power to truly transform someone's life beyond everything else you already mentioned that I think could help anyone listening? I think in love and relationships, we often ask the wrong questions. I like that. So we often ask questions like, are they the right person? Are they right for me? Is there someone else? And I think those questions have unlimited answers and they're not the right questions because I don't think it's about whether someone's right for you.

1:06:54it's whether you both want to make it right like there is no perfect person there is no perfect partner there's only the person that wants to make it work with you and the person you want to make it work with and if someone doesn't want to make it work with you it doesn't matter how perfect you think they are it's not gonna work and we keep asking that question or we keep thinking when we break up with someone but they were perfect they were the one that was the person i wanted to be with. And that's real because the research shows in science that you're literally when you break up with someone, you're detoxing from the relationship as if you're craving a drug.

1:07:32It's like detoxing from a drug. So you're craving that person, but you're craving the idea in your mind of what it looked like, not what it actually was, because guess what? That person doesn't actually want to be there. And so the biggest advice I can give is stop living life in your head and how it looks and how you want it to look and start navigating the real world. Because I guarantee you the real world has more beauty in its beauty and it has more signs in its reality. But the version you're living in your mind and your head is going to constantly keep perplexing you because you have a projector of your ideal life up here.

1:08:16And then you have the reality of your life down here. and they're never going to match. It's never going to match. I like that about asking the wrong questions or just a thought when you keep telling yourself, but that person was perfect. If they were perfect for you, then they would want to be with you. That's exactly the point. So they're not perfect, yeah. Yeah, I actually, that reminds me of a long time ago, my ex and I were together for eight years. And when we going through our one millionth breakup and I was sad about it and I was going through my love withdrawals, which are like a drug, heroin.

1:08:46And I kept remembering this one moment that we had the best time ever. And I was just giving my friend this advice because she's going through it right now. And I said, that day, I had the best memory. We went to Malibu together. Then we got massages together. And then we had dinner. And we made love. It was the best day ever. And then finally, I said, let's really go back. And I remember I was really thinking more logically now. And I went back to that day that was my best day of a relationship. And suddenly, I got to see for what it was. When we were having lunch in Malibu, my boyfriend was on his phone.

1:09:12And I was like smiling, so happy to be there with him. And he was just like, okay, are you almost done? Are you ready? Then we go get massages. He looks at me, he's like, you know, this was really expensive. Are you going to be thankful for this? And it's like all these little moments, which is fine. You know, I'm not, I'm not in any way blaming him. I'm just, I mean, we weren't a match, but it's the way I wanted to remember that day was as if we were perfect. It was beautiful. He was my person when reality he, I don't think the guy even liked me, you know, then dinner again on his phone. So it's, it's not easy when you look at things realistically, but I think it is so helpful because I was so desperate to be loved that I didn't even notice that the person in front of me didn't love me.

1:09:50Oh, that is so powerful. That is exactly it. We're so, I'm going to repeat what you just said. We're so desperate to be loved that we often don't even realize that the person in front of us doesn't even love us. Like you just said that. And that is so powerful. And it is so true that we're making up the story. And it's really interesting. The trick of the mind is when you're with someone, you pick at all the negatives. But when you break up with someone, all you do is remember the positives. Yeah. And our mind plays that trick on us. When you're with someone every day, you're like, oh, they're annoying and they're the worst and they don't care about me.

1:10:24And then when they break up, you're like, no, no, no, because it turns into that craving. And so we have to remind ourselves of reality. Always focus on the facts. If you want the truth, the truth is the facts of what was really happening. And if you look at the facts, chances are you don't want to be with that person. Yeah. Yeah. Or kind of what you said in the beginning with how when you're negative, our minds, we lie to ourselves, our mind plays tricks on us. So if I have a completely wonderful relationship with you and then I fall into depression or, and I start lying to myself thinking that I'm not worthy of love, I'm going to go back to our memories.

1:10:59I'm going to remember suddenly you look at me weird or all that. I'm going to think you don't love me. It's just, it's really interesting. Okay. So from your book, Eight Rules of Love, what would you say? I mean, there's so many great pieces of advice, but what would you say one of the best piece of advice that people can take from your book? I think I would say overall, I think we've touched on some really beautiful points in the book. And the biggest thing I'd say is the books about every stage of love, how to find it, how to keep it and how to let it go. And I think that I tried to write a book that was for everyone at every stage of a relationship, almost like a map.

1:11:34And if someone wants to talk about and think about love in a more systematic in a more scientific and in a more step-by-step way then this book is great if someone wants to talk about love in a more practical real way then this book is great for you because i'm not trying to talk about love with this ethereal concept or this fluffy woo-woo thing it's like i'm just laying it out as it is and if someone wants to help going through a breakup, if someone wants help, because they're just about to move in with someone, if someone wants to help figure out being alone, this book covers the best research, the best wisdom and the best ideas, not just from me, but from, and this is what I keep reminding everyone, when I'm putting a book together, I'm not just sharing things that I know that would be limited.

1:12:21I go out there and research and curate. So I find science, I find wisdom, I find real life stories, I interview people, I look at research and studies, like it's all curated to give you a really complete picture. And I think one thing from this whole interview that I really liked when you're discussing you and your wife is that it seems that you never stop learning about her. And I think that's one thing that people need to understand when it comes to love, that you're always, as long as you continue to be curious about your partner and how to grow, that's a successful partnership, right? Love means to learn.

1:12:53Love means that I will, if you love something, it means you will never stop learning about it. When someone says, I love football or basketball. What does that mean? It means they're always learning about it. What happened this week? What did the player do? That player got injured. This happened. That person scored. Like it's constant, right? That's what love is. If you love your garden, you take care of it every day. If you love your home, you take care of every item every day. But with our partners, we say we love them, but we take care of them once a year. Right. And that doesn't make any sense.

1:13:24That's not love. That's ownership. I like that analogy and I like that comparison. And also then with yourself, because that's another thing. I loved myself yesterday. How come I hate myself today? Exactly. Right. One of the biggest things I struggle with is focusing on my progress over perfection. Because I'm a perfectionist, which sets me up to failure, obviously. So how can we shift our mindset to embrace this philosophy? And what would you say some practical steps we can take towards our goals with just, you know, not being a perfectionist? Yeah, I just, I think we have to come at it from the point of view that perfection doesn't exist.

1:14:00And I think the fact that we even think perfection exists is partly the problem because it gives you something to work towards. But when you realize perfection doesn't exist, but there's a great book called Flow. And Flow State is all about when you feel like you're in the zone. So musicians or rappers or swimmers or singers, when they're like fully zoned in, Like if you watched Elvis or you watch Beyonce or you watch your favorite athlete, you can tell they're in the zone. That's called flow state. And they say flow state is when your challenge meets your skill. So when your skill and your challenge meet and are aligned, that's when you experience flow.

1:14:41But most of us experience one or the other. We experience our challenge above our skill. That's really depressing. It's disheartening. It makes us feel unworthy. or we experience our skill above our challenge that makes us feel bored it makes us feel lethargic it makes us feel complacent so what i say to people is if you want to feel progress and not work on perfection just focus on making your skill and your challenge align and that will create such a powerful mode to help you focus on your skill and your challenge not on perfection or progress and it gives you something worthy to focus on so that's what i always focus on if i find something too easy, I'm like, what challenge do I need to take on?

1:15:23And if I find something really hard, I'm like, what skill don't I have? So I'm not worried about perfection or progress. I'm more worried about my skill and my challenge. Okay. I have a question. Is there something that I should be asking you that I haven't asked you? No, I think you have asked brilliant questions. This has been such a fun conversation. I've answered so many questions that I've never been asked before. That's credit to you and your research and preparation. And I've had such a good time talking to you. Oh, that's really nice. Okay. Thank you. Let's close this with your message of love and connection over the course of your career, over the course of this book.

1:15:57I think it's phenomenal and it's so powerful. So what advice, last advice do you have for those who may be struggling to cultivate meaningful connections in their lives and what can they do to kind of deepen the connections they already have? Connect with people who want to connect with you. I think most of our issues come when we're trying to connect with people who don't want to connect with us right and we i promise you you may think you make effort with people who don't make effort with you i promise you there are people who make effort with you that you don't make effort with i guarantee you there are people there that text you more than you text them but you don't want to text with them you want to text with someone else and we live in this world where we are constantly chasing pursuing wanting to be around different people but there are people who love you right now that you're disconnected from and so connect with people who want to connect with you make an effort with people who make an effort with you sure make new efforts and try and connect with new people but don't chase someone who's clearly showing you that they don't have space for you in their life that doesn't make them a bad person they just don't have time right now i like that i agree it's it's kind of it's your childhood trauma you're chasing that love you didn't get as a child and then it's uh it's talking about a long time ago where you spend your whole life thinking people don't love you yeah and then when you actually pay attention you realize all these people around you do love you.

1:17:13They've been trying to show you love. And you said, you're like, why doesn't that person not love me? Yes, that's often what our life is. That is exactly what it is. We're looking at the one person that we want love from as opposed to looking at the 10 people who are showing us love. How do we stop then and become aware? Because self-awareness is not easy. How do you finally like, you know what? Enough, I don't want to chase this person anymore. They don't love me. It will only happen the more you connect with the people who do love you. You'll naturally feel it. you'll feel less needy, you'll feel less FOMO, you'll feel less disconnected.

1:17:46So it's not about, I think sometimes we think I have to disconnect first to connect somewhere else. It's the other way around. If I go and connect with the people I want to connect with, we'll naturally disconnect from the people that I don't need to. Right. So you have to unlearn your old behavior in a way, because if I keep thinking chasing someone, that's what love is versus this person sitting, if I'm so used to only chasing love, if you're sitting next to me and you're showing me love, I'm not going to understand this is love. You've just hit the nail on the head. That's exactly it. Well, it's all because of your book.

1:18:13No, no, no. But that's exactly it. That is so well said. We've conditioned ourselves to believe that love is chasing someone, which means even when the most loving person is sitting right next to us, or we've convinced ourselves that love means fixing someone. And so we keep finding people to fix. Or we've convinced ourselves that love means saving someone. So we keep finding someone to save. And so we keep looking for someone to fix, someone to save, someone to chase. not realizing that love meant who's willing to sit with me right now and be present i agree because like i said in the past when i grew up with my my parents we're still together my mom showed me so much love she's the most loving person i've ever met in my life my dad didn't and i chased that so much and my mom would show me love i thought that's so weak she cries so easily she's overly loving and my father forget what my birthday was and i was like that's my hero yeah exactly exactly Exactly.

1:19:05And we get trained. That's a perfect example. Okay. So where can people find you? You can find me at my new book, of course, which is a great place, which is 8rulesoflove.com. You can find me on my podcast, On Purpose, which is across all platforms. And you can find me on Instagram and TikTok at Jay Shetty. Okay, perfect. And then you're currently also your first ever world tour, Love Rules. So you guys can go to jshedytour.com for tickets and also be my description and you can follow Jay on Instagram and subscribe to his podcast if you're not already subscribed which I will be surprised his podcast is on purpose if you have any questions make sure to dm him and follow him is there anything else you want to add no I just want to say thank you to you thank you so much for having such a genuine thoughtful conversation and doing so much incredible preparation asking such great questions such amazing I was just saying to Violetta and for all of you that listen Violeta is an amazing host because when I said something today, I felt like she was internalizing it, reflecting it.

1:20:09And you could see her do what I hope everyone else is doing. And I think that makes you an amazing host to actually do that live and in real time and apply it to your own life. And I think that's going to benefit your community. And obviously it is. That's why they follow you. But I just want everyone to know that that's a really special skill. So thank you so much for that. Thank you so much for saying that. Of course, I mean it. Okay. Bye, you guys. Have a beautiful day. Thank you. Bye.

1:20:39I read something mind-boggling recently. Most of the cells in our body completely renew themselves over our lifetimes. Some in just a few days. Make no bones about it. We're literally built for change. Yet for some reason, we resist it. The next seven minutes are about you and how to change your attitude towards, well, change. I'm Jay Shetty. Welcome to The Daily Jay. Now let's get centered with three mindful breaths. Inhaling and exhaling. Feeling the air flow in and feeling it flow out. bringing your attention to this moment and settling in to the here and now.

1:21:41There's an old story about a man who had been struggling with anxiety. He heard that meditation could support his mental and emotional health, so he went to a local mindfulness center and started taking classes. On his own, he practiced diligently, getting up every morning and meditating to begin the day. One night, a few weeks after starting his practice, the man stayed after class to talk with his teacher. I don't know what's wrong, he said. I'm doing everything you described. I'm sitting every day, I'm breathing, I'm noticing thoughts and trying to release them, but I just can't get my mind to calm down.

1:22:33It's not working. The teacher nodded and smiled. It's okay, she said. Keep meditating. It will change. The man was skeptical, but he kept meditating. A few months later, the man stayed after class again, this time with good news for his teacher. Everything's changed, just like you said. I'm finally feeling it. All the calm, the relaxation, I can easily clear my mind. It's wonderful. The teacher nodded and smiled. Keep meditating, she said. It will change. If only we could freeze those good feelings, those times in life when things are going our way. We had a great day at work or a fantastic date.

1:23:29We're feeling energized and healthy and we think, finally, it's all coming together. Then, when things shift as they inevitably do, we feel despondent, angry or frustrated. Today was a struggle at work. We're feeling misunderstood by our partner. We're feeling burned out and worn thin. In these moments, it feels like things will never change. But there is no feeling in the world that is eternal. And there is no feeling in the world that is eternally absent. Whatever you're experiencing, it will change On some level we know this And yet we either push back against it Or we try and rush the change But wishing your life would stop changing Is like hoping that summer won't turn to autumn And trying to rush change Is like telling winter to hurry up and become spring Just like in nature life happens in seasons.

1:24:42And while it seems like some seasons are good and others are bad, attachment and aversion are really just different sides of the same coin. They can make change more difficult or painful than it needs to be. By labeling the shift as good or bad, we're judging the moment. We're resisting the flow of life. Instead, when we learn to accept change, we're able to embrace whatever life gives us. Then we'll be able to meet each moment with courage, clarity, and composure. So today, good or bad, happy or sad, calm or stressed, just let it flow. And with that in mind, let's meditate and then reflect on your approach to change.

1:25:42So get comfortable wherever you are, giving yourself the permission to release a little tension. Closing your eyes if you feel like it will help you settle in. Feeling the natural rhythm of the breath. in and out, observing how your body feels.

1:26:14You can rest your attention on any part of this moment and see if you can bring an attitude of acceptance to whatever you're experiencing.

1:26:32If something feels good, we're not trying to hold on to it. And if something feels challenging or uncomfortable, we're not trying to change it. We're just noticing what is. and allowing ourselves to be okay with that.

1:27:03Breathing in and breathing out.

1:27:12Stretching up and sinking down.

1:27:21And now let's open this up. Think about your relationship with change.

1:27:31Are you familiar with attachment or aversion?

1:27:38Do you meet change with resistance?

1:27:45Can you let go of your grip on the good times? Relax your rush during tough times.

1:27:57I know this might be easier said than done, but remember, we're built for change. I'm so grateful to you for joining me today. I'll see you tomorrow. Hey, audiobook lovers. I'm Cal Penn. I'm Ed Helms. Ed and I are inviting you to join the best sounding book club you've ever heard with our new podcast, Earsay, the Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club. Each week, we sit down with your favorite iHeart podcast hosts and some very special guests to discuss the latest and greatest audiobooks from Audible. Listen to Earsay on America's number one podcast network, iHeart. Follow Earsay and start listening on the free iHeart radio app today.

1:28:41This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human.