4 Differences Between Toxic Vs Healthy Relationships and 6 Steps to Make the Shift No Matter Where You Are in Your Journey

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2:14At the start, we want someone who keeps us at the edge of our seats. But long-term, what we really want is someone that we can get cozy with on the couch, right? It's so interesting, right? What you want in a relationship is Netflix and chill. You want to be able to hang back, be lazy, be cozy on the couch, but you're setting your relationship up to be always nail-biting at the edge of the sea. But that isn't what you're trying to build. That isn't what you're trying to grow.

2:45Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow. So thank you so much to everyone who's subscribing, who's leaving reviews. It's making a huge difference to new listeners finding us, connecting with us. And it means the world to me that you're taking time to do that. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I cannot express my gratitude enough. I want to dive into today's topic because the amount of friends I've had in the last couple of weeks, couple of months that have been talking to me about the challenges they've had in relationships, a lot of toxic behavior, unhealthy traits and characteristics.

3:30And I'm sure as you're listening right now, if you haven't been through this, you have a friend who's going to need to listen to this. And I hope that you'll pass this one on because so many of us are suffering for longer than we need to. So many of us are making choices that are not great for us or are struggling to make a choice that would actually help us. and often I find that people stay in toxic, difficult relationships for longer than they need to. By the way, this even applies to work. If you think about how long someone takes to actually quit their job or move on or ask for a promotion, it's usually 6 to 12 months longer than it actually needs to be.

4:11How many times have you been in a relationship where you felt like leaving but you stayed for another 6 to 12 months only to feel the same way throughout that entire period. So whether this is about you finding the right person, a genuine connection with an individual, or whether this is helping you move away from something or someone that isn't serving you, I really hope that it gives you the courage and strength to make the decisions that you need in order to move towards healthy love. Now I want to talk about this term healthy love Because I think for a long time we talked about the one We talked about the right person We talk about the wrong person We talk about, you know, your soulmate And I like the word healthy love Because it makes us believe that it's positive, it's good But when we know that there's healthy love We also accept that there may be parts of it that are unhealthy If you have a healthy diet, you know that's because you're choosing the things that are good for you, which is the same with healthy love.

5:23It's about choosing the habits, the traits, the personality type that is good for you in a relationship. That doesn't mean there are not unhealthy parts to it. That doesn't mean there are not uncomfortable parts to it. And so I like to move away from this idea of the perfect one or the one or the soulmate or, you know, the right person, because that kind of makes us believe that there's this ready-made person off the shelf, almost like a Ken doll or a Barbie doll that is perfect as it is in its casing. whereas healthy love means oh I have to make choices we have to make decisions we have to actually create healthy habits in order to have a healthy relationship so today I want to talk about the differences and how to actually develop them and build them and grow them and I want to start off by talking about the toxic trait of over-reliance on one person for everything.

6:29That the one person is the only person you go to for all your needs. So that works in one of two ways. Either you're the person that your partner goes to for all of their needs, or you're the person who goes to your partner for all of your needs and I found that this has been one of the most challenging things in a relationship now if your partner comes to you for all of their needs often that can actually be quite fun in the beginning because you start to feel powerful you start to feel needed you start to feel useful and who doesn't want to feel useful who doesn't want to feel like they have all the answers.

7:15We all enjoy that idea that our partner is dependent on us in the beginning because it feels like we have something to offer. It boosts our self-esteem. It gives us an ego boost and it gives us a sense of power and control. And so what's really interesting is that we do it for the first month. We may even do it for the first couple of months and then afterwards our energy starts to drain and we think, wait a minute, this person is just relying on me to carry them we're just being completely relied on to carry the relationship and then we may push back we may have an honest conversation and now the other person is feeling wait a minute but i showed you that from the beginning and you gave me the space and now you're taking it away it almost feels like you're hijacking what you first offered to this individual and that person now is feeling hard done by.

8:08You're now upset because you feel like you've been used and everything falls on you. And they're now upset because they said, well, wait a minute, you did it at the start. Why are you not doing it right now? How many of you have ever been in this position before? I'm guessing there's a fair few of you. Now, what do you do in that situation? In that situation, if you're already there and you're like, well, Jay, I wish I knew that before I started setting a precedence, I started setting a standard. If you've already set the standards, it's about setting a new standard. And this is a great relationship tool.

8:42I think one of the things that we don't do enough in relationships, whether we're dating, whether you're committed, whether you're married, whatever it may be in a long-term relationship, is resetting agreements, resetting standards, and redefining where you're at and how you work on things. I think we often go to, well, we've always done it that way. It's been like that since we started dating. You've been the same person. I'm the same person. We say things like that, not realizing that there's always growth going on and there's a need to reestablish boundaries, reestablish agreements. And this is a great opportunity to do that.

9:22Now, if you're in a position where you are the one who takes all your problems to them, maybe you're the one who has struggled with finding people in your life to help you grow. And now when you've found this person, you're saying to yourself, I'm just going to go to them for everything. Oh my gosh, they're so smart. Oh my gosh, they're so strong. Oh my gosh, they're so self-aware. And all of a sudden you get so consumed and wrapped up in this person that they become your be all and end all. Maybe you're in that position right now. If you are in that position, here's what I want you to think about.

9:58I want you to take a moment to just close your eyes for a second. Of course, if you're driving, do not do this. If you're cooking, do not do this. Take a moment to do it afterwards. And if you can't close your eyes, you can do this with your eyes open. But here's what I want you to do. Take a moment to think of who's the first person who comes to your mind when you think of the most caring person in the world. Towards you. Someone who cares about you the most. They're nurturing people. They have that supportive, compassionate disposition towards you. They'll only care about your health and well-being.

10:43Who's the first person that comes to your mind? The person that cares about you the most. Chances are it isn't even the person that you're with. That's not a bad thing. Often people think, well, my partner should be that person. They might not be. There may be someone who trumps them. There may be someone who's done it for longer. Remember this person. Okay, second reflection. Who is the most consistent person in your life? Someone who's always been there for you? Someone who's always been by your side? Maybe they've lived life with you for a long, long time. They've been consistent. Maybe you went to school together.

11:29Maybe you grew up together They're not the most caring person in your life But they are the most consistent They're always around when you need them And chances are that isn't your partner either Now think about an area of your life you may be struggling Or you may have questions And who's the most competent person? Who's someone who you know is great at getting their taxes done? Right? Their accounts Who do you know who's really great at fitness and health in your circle? Who do you know that's really organized and focused and driven towards their goals? It doesn't have to be your partner. Your partner may be that, but who else comes to mind?

12:17And finally, who's someone that comes in terms of high character? Someone who's always living with the right morals and ethics? someone that you go to for more spiritual inner guidance, someone in your life who carries them in a certain way. These are the four types of people that create our counsel for life. The caring one, the consistent one, the competent one, and the one with character. There may have been different faces that came to your mind for all of them. Some of these people you may already know and have a relationship with. some of these people you may have had one with before and you need to re-engage with but it's so important it's so needed for us to develop a council around us instead of depending on one person for everything if we create an over dependence on one person we have to live with feeling completely alone if and when they ever leave or if we feel like leaving them.

13:25So many of us stay with people who are not good for us because of how scared we'll feel or how bad we'll feel being alone. So many of us stay with people that are not good for us because we're scared of how bad we'll feel if we're left alone. And the only way to overcome that is to create this counsel and to not lose it at any point in your relationship. You're juggling a lot. Full-time job, side hustle, maybe a family. And now you're thinking about grad school? That's not crazy. That's ambitious. At American Public University, they respect the hustle and they're built for it. Their flexible online master's programs are made for real life because big dreams deserve a real path.

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16:08And what stands out is the way it's shared. Ideas spread quickly and support can grow from a single post. And it all happens in a welcoming and supportive space. TikTok stimulates your mind in more ways than one. It's a place for learning, for mindfulness, for tools that support healthier habits and reflections. If you're searching for growth and connection that resonates with your own unique journey, you'll find it on TikTok. Now, another toxic trait that I want to discuss is this idea of trying to change someone. I have always believed that people don't change for people. They change for themselves, right?

16:53People don't change for you. They don't change for their ex. They don't change for the next person. They don't change for a family member. They change for themselves because they feel a certain regret, which may be inspired by a family member. But I think what's really interesting is that when we're trying to change someone, often we're trying to change them to be like us. And I want you to really sit there and reflect on this. Do you really want to be with yourself? If we're organized, we want our partner to be more organized. If we're spontaneous, we want our partner to be more spontaneous. If we're thoughtful about birthdays, we want our partner to be thoughtful about birthdays.

17:31If we're always planning the weekend, we want our partners to plan the weekends. We want our partners to be us. But we have to really ask ourselves, do we really truly want our partners to be us? I'll give you an example in my own life that's really stood out to me. So I'm quite the organizer, planner. And when it comes to me and Radhi, I realized that if I make a plan for Saturday, Radhi will happily go along. She'll be so positive about it. She'll have a great time. She might be a little bit late. She might have a few things that come up but she'll commit to my plan and she'll have a great time now if she made a plan I may go along with it but I'll have my own thoughts about it I will have I will question I'll say oh we should have done this first we could have done that now that's my kind of way of thinking because I'm such an organizer planner and it's really interesting because I've realized how lucky I am to be with someone who's always happy to go along with my plans and is flexible.

18:31And I've realized that I need to be more that way. So it's really interesting. We want our partners to be like us, but actually, have we ever thought about needing to be more like them or let them be them and we be ourselves, right? It's so interesting to me about how we think, oh, well, they're not ambitious enough. I'm so ambitious. It's really interesting. Do you really want to date yourself? That's the question I want you to answer. Do you really, really truly believe you'd be happy if you were with someone who is exactly like you? Because I know I wouldn't be. I don't want to date someone like me.

19:06And it's really amazing how much time we waste trying to mold someone into a version of ourselves. Now, let's say someone's trying to change you. We all know what that feels like, right? It's really interesting. We often try and change other people, but when people try and change us we know exactly how it feels and how we would never want to feel that way and i think what's really important about this is being clear about our desires up front and making sure that the person you're starting to like or you're dating or you're connecting with is open with you about what they truly want now i'm not talking about talking about how many kids you want on the first day i'm talking about really being clear and aware of what someone's priorities are rather than thinking about what their potential is, right?

19:58Focus on someone's priorities, not their potential. Is their priority to get the next job? Is their priority to be busy on the weekend because they're ambitious and driven? Is their priority you? Is their priority their family? What is their priority? This is not about what their goals are. Often we say like, what are people's goals? And that's an awkward question to ask someone, right? What are your goals for this quarter? What are your goals for the next quarter? What are your goals for the next five years? I know so many people who hate that interview question, but you can tell by someone's priorities what their goals are.

20:32What is their calendar full of? How do they make choices and decisions on the weekends and evenings? And recognize that that also comes with a choice. If someone's prioritizing you, of course they can't prioritize their work. If that person's driven and ambitious, they may have less time for you if that's what you're saying you want. I think it's such an important thing to be clear with other people about your priorities when you first meet them and observe their priorities too. Observe the language they use, the vocabulary they use and how they make choices about their priorities, especially when it comes down to like making a really clear choice between two things or an unclear choice between two things, watch what they pick.

21:15And I think so many of us in our heads think, oh yeah, but they'll change that. Oh yeah, they'll come around. oh yeah it's not really important to them and then later on we're thinking wow i can't believe that they were always like that it was always that way now the third toxic trait i wanted to discuss with you all was playing games if someone's playing power games with you if someone's playing interest games with you if someone's playing games with you by being hot and cold all the time or if you're doing that with someone, notice and know that that's going to last. Every time things get tough, that's what you're going to revert to because that's become your method of dealing with conflict.

22:01People don't just play games. Playing games becomes people's way of gaining power and what they do when they lose power. And if that's the game you've already started to play, then that's the game you will continue to play. I think people don't realize how relationships really get set in stone very early on. The rules of a relationship get set in stone very, very early on just by behavior, not even by what you say. And then that becomes the status quo and how that relationship operates for a long, long time after. So I want you to notice, is the person hot and cold? Is the person playing games?

22:40And at the start, it feels exciting because you get that burst of nervousness and anxiety and then you get the security and safety and that kind of like swinging from safety to insecurity, from stability to excitement and nervousness. Like that's exciting. That is really, really enthralling in the beginning. We think we're at the edge of our seats. At the start, we want someone who keeps us at the edge of our seats. But long term, what we really want is someone that we can get cozy with on the couch, right? It's so interesting, right? That's what you really want. What you want in a relationship is Netflix and chill.

23:18You want to be able to hang back, be lazy, be cozy on the couch, but you're setting your relationship up to be always nail biting at the edge of the seat. But that isn't what you're trying to build. That isn't what you're trying to grow. So what you really want to do is establish playing as a team. You want to establish someone who says we and us, not you and me. You want to establish a feeling of we're solving this together. We're going through this together. We're figuring this out together where we're understanding this together, not, oh, yeah, I'm not feeling it today. Oh, yeah, you're doing this, right?

23:57That kind of language automatically lets you understand where you stand. One of the most interesting things or a method of playing games, which people are even unaware of is when someone tells you how you should feel. Someone says to you, oh, you are really into me. You just don't know it yet. Or someone says to you something like, oh yeah, you know, if you decide to move on or if you decide to not pursue this, you're gonna regret it later. Someone's telling you how to feel, that's a toxic trait. If someone is telling you how to behave with them, that's a toxic trait. If someone's telling you, I don't think you understand how you're feeling right now, this is how you're feeling, that's unhealthy.

24:44A healthy relationship is where someone asks you, how are you feeling? An unhealthy relationship is where someone tells you how you're feeling. Notice the difference. It's very subtle, right? An untoxic relationship is where someone says to you, how are you feeling today? A toxic relationship is where someone says to you This is how you're feeling And in the beginning it can be really comforting You can feel like wow this person really understands me Like they really know me But if they're telling you Look this is how you really feel You're not really tired Come on out anyway You're not really this Come on out anyway Now I'm not saying you break up with someone over this But you've got to start to be observant Of what you're setting Now I'm not saying to even turn this into an argument You could just say to someone Hey I know how I feel I'm just telling you how I feel I just want to let you know that and that may be totally fine because that person may be used to trying to read between the lines or trying to prove their worth that way as well you've got to understand that the traits people demonstrate in relationships are all based on our own past trauma our own past experiences our own past emotions like it's not coming from nowhere and so it's almost like you've got two sets of trauma you've got two sets of experience having a UFC fight, right?

26:06Instead of both people trying to make peace. And I think that's what's really interesting is that relationships are often chasing pleasure. And in chasing pleasure, they become about power. But really what relationships, healthy relationships are about pursuing peace, right? An unhealthy relationship chases power. A healthy relationship chases peace. Are you pursuing peace with your partner or are you pursuing power over your partner? That's the question. Are you pursuing peace with your partner or are you chasing power over your partner or is your partner chasing power over you? It's about pursuing peace together.

26:50Peace is a really underrated value. I'm telling you right now, we're so addicted to pleasure. We're so addicted to that dopamine. We're so addicted to that temporary relief and that pursuit of that ephemeral momentary bliss that we miss out on this deep search for a feeling of peace and groundedness. The next trait I wanted to talk about was unhealthy way is when you lose your own identity with the other person as opposed to discovering your identity through the other person so a lot of the time we become so intoxicated in a relationship that we lose ourself in the relationship and what i mean by that is our identity becomes one of just being together, forgetting that you have an identity separate, you have friendships separate, you have interests that are separate, right?

27:51Your identity comes with individuals, it comes with interests, and it comes with independence. And when that interest turns into only joint interests, when that individual turns into only friends that you both get along with and when that independence turns into codependence that's where a lot of our challenges come in relationships so i want to ask you right now who are the individuals what are the interests and what is the independence that you don't want to lose in a relationship that you don't want to sacrifice and by the way no one's making you sacrifice it we voluntarily give it up and then we get upset and blame it on the other person we get wrapped up in a relationship and i want you to encourage your partner to do the same again at the beginning of a relationship, it can feel really exciting when the person says, oh, I'm not going to see my friends.

28:45I just want to see you. Oh, I'm not going to see my family. I just want to see you. Oh, I don't care about playing pickleball tonight. I'm just going to see you. That all sounds and feels amazing. Someone put you as number one, which is important, but your role in the relationship as that relationship develops, I'm not saying say no to that, but as it develops, remind the other person to not give up the individuals, the interests, and the independence that they had before in ways that are healthy for them, right? If it's healthy for them to see their friends that they work out with, if it's healthy for them to continue certain interests that they're passionate about, encourage them, remind them of that.

29:22Don't force them, don't push them towards it, but don't forget to remind them towards who they were before they met you. Now, one thing that happens a lot in relationships is that we point out other people's mistakes or they point out ours. And what's really interesting is we feel worried about pointing out other people's strengths and people often worry about pointing out ours. So we focus on the mistakes rather than holding up a mirror so the other person can reflect for themselves. So if you have two people in a relationship who are both reflecting on their own behavior because they see how it impacts the other person, and that's where we're trying to get to.

30:03It's really hard. This is a hard one because both people have to be reflective. But if you start a relationship and say, hey, if we're both reflective, we don't have to point out each other's mistakes. We'll automatically know what they are. This is the age old one, expecting someone to know what you want. I can't believe I still have to say this one, but I really see it all the time. We think love is they already knew. They finished my sentence. They know what I'm thinking they knew what i wanted for my birthday they they get me our definition of love our feeling of love is if we think someone gets us and to get to that we need to help them get us by communicating it it's so obvious but being able to say something like yesterday me and radhi it was a rainy rainy day uh this week in la and i hope if anyone was affected i'm sending you lots to love.