4 Pivotal Decisions in Life We Make Daily & 3 Ways to Approach Conflict Resolution in Relationships

34:56And I think that the challenge that most people have is ego. We don't want to learn from our partners because it almost makes us feel weak and it puts them in a position of superiority, not realizing that when you can trade, and I have a whole section in this book, a chapter called Your Partner is Your Guru. And it's this idea of if you really love someone, chances are they have something to teach you. And if they can teach you in a way that isn't preachy, isn't projecting, and isn't critical, and if we can be that for our partners, you can grow together endlessly. Now, if you feel you've grown together, you've learned everything you possibly can from your partner, now there's no more learning to do, it's wonderful to grow apart.

35:43but that should also be celebrated as a success i think we often use words like divorce ended like these words are so aggressive split exactly yeah yeah it was over forever like you know these these words are so aggressive and they put this paint this picture of animosity of you know of enemy kind of feeling not realizing that someone could have a really healthy as the as the um you know the famous book like a conscious uncoupling like the idea of uncoupling is so much more of a healthier idea for people and and i think that's the language we need to trade that yes you could have a wonderful relationship and you could have a wonderful afterlife from that relationship if you both wanted that.

36:33And that doesn't mean the relationship failed. It did its part. It's like, you don't go to college for three years and if you don't become a professor, it's like, no, you failed. You failed, like you should have become a professor. No, it served its path. Even for me, when I look at, I lived as a monk. I didn't become a monk for the rest of my life. It served its purpose. And I think relationships have to be seen in that way of like, did it serve its purpose? And if it's done, it's done. And let's not make people feel bad about that. Yeah. It's again, the happily ever after vibe. You know, if you're not together and everyone's like, wow, your parents are still together.

37:10And it's like, well, they're miserable or don't talk and they're not in communication and they're not engaging and they're not connected. So it's like, what's the point? But it was interesting, like just watching you and Roddy, it's so beautiful because it's like when you're talking to one another, you are listening to each other as if you are the guru. there's an openness to being taught by each other that I feel like sometimes can get lost in relationships and I don't know if it's because there is a point um and the book is it could be conscious loving by Gay Hendricks or it could be getting the love you want but it talks about how you sort of make the person your parents and then you kind of project all the pain so I'm wondering if that's what happens with folks where they they are making the person their parent and then when you're telling them what to do you're like no mom or dad yeah yeah so so in this book I talk about how there are different relationship roles and we all slot into one of these and i have a test in the book that helps guide you to figure out what you are and what your partner is and so these are the three roles everyone who's listening you can figure out which one you're in and if and when you get the book you can do the test to make sure of it so the first is fixer the second is dependent and the third is supporter.

38:21So some of us are fixers. We get our value in a relationship by trying to fix the other person's problems. If the person, we see them as broken and we think we can fix them and that makes us feel good. So we like to find projects. We like to find people who need help and we go and make a relationship with them because we want to feel really powerful and strong that we help them. What ends up happening is that a few years down the line, we get exhausted and then we go, oh, stop acting like a kid. You don't do anything. You're not really involved. You're not engaged. But we set them up to be that way because that's what we wanted in the beginning.

38:58The second is the dependent. The dependent is someone who wants to be the child. They walk into a relationship looking for mom and dad. They want the other person to fix everything. They want to find someone who's going to take care of all their needs, provide for everything they need, take care of them mentally, emotionally, maybe even financially. and we go there in like a little kid. What ends up happening? You drain the other person. That doesn't end so well. And the third one is the supporter. The supporter goes, real love and real support is I'm going to help you develop the skills you need to take care of yourself.

39:38I'm not going to take care of you. What is care? Is care me saying to you, I'm going to take care of you? or is real care, I'm going to help you learn the skills to take care of yourself. That's real love. That's real care. Like, I believe in you so much that I want you to have the tools and skills, and I'm going to help you. I'm going to guide you. I'm going to introduce you to things, whatever you need, so that you feel safe, whether I'm here or not. That's love. One day I may die before you. If you only feel safe when I'm alive next to you, that's not love. love is I'm going to protect you by helping you protect yourself that's safety don't we want that for our kids don't we want that for our partners like if my kid I don't have any kids but if I had kids and if they only felt safe when I was in the room that wouldn't be a win that would be a loss because you can't always be in the room so I think we do that with our partners so a supporter says I'm here to help you develop the skills you need to take care of yourself and I'm ready to develop the skills I need, whatever you need to teach me to take care of myself.

40:44And so I set that up because the fix is almost like the parent, the dependence like the child. And then the supporter is the collaborative one, the one who recognizes that the only person who can take care of me is me. And the only person who can take care of you is you. And so when I help you take care of yourself and you help me take care of myself, that's real care. That's real love. How can people watch when they're slipping into that. Because that's kind of like people go into that unconsciously. And I've seen in relationships with myself, I've seen in relationships with friends where you don't even realize it's happening.

41:21And then you're like, wait, whoa. Is there a way that we can be more conscious about that journey? Because it's an opportunity for healing. That's why we do it, to bring it up for healing. So it's important that it comes up and you could even work through it together, but how can we work with that energy? Yeah. So I think the first step and the reason why I put it in the book is, is this level of awareness, like even knowing. So I'm a classic fixer. I have that natural ability whenever anyone's working in coaching or it's a natural element of wanting to help people that way. So I'm a classic fixer.

41:56And for so many years in so many relationships, I tried to solve all of my partner's problems, whoever I was with. I was just trying to fix their problems. And I wanted to be the knight in shining armor. And I wanted to be the savior. And I wanted to be that person, only to realize they were never satisfied, no matter how much of a savior I was, because there was always more saving to do. And they never really fully saw me as a knight in shining armor, because now you think you're a knight in shining armor but literally you're a person with a stretcher right like it's like you want to be you want to be this idolized version of a savior but really you're just in the emergency room every day and now there's no knight in shining armor right you just you're like a person who's bad at their job in the in the medical department and so what ended up happening was having tested it out and i think people can relate to that and that's my experience i realized that being a fixer didn't set me the other person or the relationship up for success it set us up for failure so how do you become vigilant of it which is your question the way you become vigilant of it is when someone asks for help what's the first thing you say back if your partner asks for help and you go oh i'll take care of that don't worry and we do that at the start of relationships because we again think are they gonna think i'm so nice and they're gonna think i'm so likable as opposed to that saying it's different if someone says oh can you grab some milk when i'm when you're out and you go no i'm not gonna do that you should do like it's not that kind of thing but like a good example is when when me and radhi first started dating like radhi would also ask me and this this is gonna annoy so many people but i promise you it's it works uh radhi would always say to me like how do you feel i look in this uh and i would always be honest with her but one of my favorite responses after i'd be honest with her is how do you feel you look in this and and she'd always be like no you just tell me like do i look at or not and i'm like i think you look beautiful but i want to know how you feel you look in this and when we'd be out picking furniture for our apartment or whatever it may be we'd look at the piece of furniture and she'd be like oh no you just decided but no what do you think like what's your taste and so what i find is that when your partner is trying to outsource something to you you may feel like doing it for them makes you more likable but actually you're setting themselves and yourself up for always having to answer that question and when you rather say well what are your thoughts like i want to know what you really care about i want to know what you believe in you actually are strengthening their inner voice so one way to be vigilant is when you're asked for to solve a problem first take a second on becoming the fixer if you're a classic dependent and you want someone else to solve your problems that can be a lot harder uh because you already don't feel you have the confidence to fix anything so actually can be really hard when you feel like the dependent the anxiety is really hard being a dependent because you want the other person to deal with it and now if they're not dealing with it you don't feel strong enough what i'd say is that anyone who feels weak or has that self-doubt it comes from not a lack of belief or a lack of quality it comes from a lack of ability and abilities can be trained and learned and i always say this to people if something makes you nervous if something makes you unconfident if something makes you scared you can't just believe in yourself and i think a lot of people talk about self-belief and really it's about self-respect and self-respect comes from doing hard things and so if you're dealing with something that you don't feel you're good at go and try and get decent at it go and take a course get a coach get a mentor go out there and read a book about it listen to this podcast right like when you're when you're searching for the answer, all of a sudden your skill starts to develop and now the problem starts to feel easier to solve.

45:49And so as a dependent, especially if you're single, start solving problems yourself. And guess what? You're going to feel so much self-respect and now your self-doubt goes away at the root. And so those are two ways to be vigilant. And there's plenty more that I explained. Yeah, I love those examples. So I was talking to our community before you came, and this is something that comes up quite a bit with women. And I think a lot of our community are people that identify as women. And they're finding that in the dating world or out in their relationships that they're growing, you know, perceived to be growing more than their male partner and that there's a discrepancy between the growth rates.

46:29And I'm curious about how much you're seeing that trend where women are deeply interested in personal growth, self-development, all of these things and there for me is a part of that that's self-hate led and actually not self-love but then there is that moment where they're doing a lot more work personally than the men are you seeing that as a trend and what would you suggest and i love the distinction you just made about the reason we work on ourselves too like it's it's almost like and again i know we're both not making broad generalizations we're trying to base on what we've experienced if society has set up women to doubt themselves.

47:07Society has set up men to pretend they're strong and they're both opposite sides of the same coin. So men feel they have to be the protector, the savior, the provider to have the answers. And so they're trying so hard to present that facade that they don't want to be vulnerable and they don't want to do the work because if you have to show you have to do work, that means you're not done. And they're scared that if I show a woman I need to do work, then maybe she won't respect me and love me because isn't that what they want? And regardless of gender, whatever you identify as, I think we all feel this about anyone.

47:48You may be with someone and think they're with me. It's a corporate example, but it's true. I was working with a CEO recently, CEO of an extremely successful company, very highly regarded, achieved so much in the world. And I've been working with him on his mental health. And we're seeing a lot of progress. So I said to him, at your next offsite, I said to him, I want you to tell your team the journey you've been on with your mental health. That's all I want you to do. Just share with them this journey that we've been on together just with your direct team, not the whole company or some press article, just the people you work with daily.

48:29your c-suite the c-level and he said to me he said jay i don't think i can do that and i said why he said because they see me as the strong one he said they see me as the powerful one they see me as the one who has it all together if i tell them that they won't see me that way and i said to him i said what's more powerful than you sharing your truth what's more strong or courageous than you being honest with them about what you've been through isn't that what real strength is but the challenge is that and so transferring that experience into relationships a lot of people are feeling well if i showed them that i'm vulnerable aren't they with me because i'm all i'm all sorted right and so i think that's the issue and then of course the other way around it's like oh well i'm working on myself i'm showing that i'm building myself up but then i'm scared my self-doubt will actually push a good person away If we have this conversation with the genders that we were talking about, if women are feeling, oh no, but if I doubt myself too much, he'll run away.

49:35And then he's thinking, well, if I show her that I doubt myself, then she'll run away. And so we're at this tension. And I think that requires, that's why the tools in the book of like, why actually if both people, regardless of gender, regardless of identification, if both people have compassion for each other, have empathy for each other, understand that this is another imperfect human that's where we go beyond gender and beyond expectation and beyond all of this and actually can deal with each other but that only comes when you've gone through your own work of when you've seen the deepest darkest parts of your own soul you're comfortable when someone's exploring theirs but if you haven't done that it's very uncomfortable to watch someone else.

50:27The other thing I'd say is if you feel you're growing at a faster rate than your partner, that should result in more compassion, more empathy, and more patience. That's actually a result of more work. The result of more work is not more judgment, more critique, and more spotting of weaknesses. That is not. And I think that's the challenge sometimes in in early spiritual circles or early self-development or personal growth, you start thinking, oh, I can see everything clearly and I can see all these faults. And now we start to critique. I've worked with so many couples where men and women have come to me and said, my wife criticizes me daily.

51:12My wife has changed my entire diet. Radhi has changed my entire diet, my workout plan, and so much in my life. and yet I've never felt criticized or judged. And that's genius. Like it's unbelievable the level of coaching she's given me in an area of my life that I was negligent about. And I've never felt criticized. I've only felt encouraged. And she's always set the example because she's doing it regardless of whether I do it or not. So it's not like, oh, you have to do this with me. Oh, look at me. Look what I'm doing. Oh, look what all these other guys are doing. Why don't you do this? Why don't you look like this?

51:49Like, how does that make anyone change? Like, how does it make anyone change? But that's the kind of stuff we say to the people we supposedly love. And so for me, if you genuinely believe you're growing spiritually, that's more compassion, more empathy, more love, not more criticism, judgment and fault finding. Yeah, that's what I'll see oftentimes where it's like, I'm becoming more spiritual. I'm doing the work. And then the focus becomes everyone else is not. I know it's like, then you turn to everyone and you're like, and I just realized that my mom's a narcissist and they're codependent and all these things.

52:22And then they turn and label everyone with everything. It's just, it's kind of heartbreaking because you're like, okay, that's again, you know, not the point. It's kind of like part of the path. Yeah. And hey, I'm compassionate to that person too. Going back to this whole conversation, like the reason why I'm compassionate to the person that labels is because we're doing that for our own security in the beginning. so when you can finally see and you're like okay and i'm not pointing at you for real but yes you tell me narcissist like whatever like when you start labeling people really you're doing it to show yourself i am learning i know i'm understanding so i also have compassion for that because in the beginning you have to protect yourself it's like when someone first makes a big shift in their life they have to cut other people out and they have to look at the difference and be very black and white because they don't know how to do it otherwise.

53:14Right. If they don't cut that group of friends out, they won't be able to stop drinking. If they don't cut that group of friends out, they won't be able to disconnect from Instagram or whatever it may be. And that's an early stage of change. So we don't want to be, we don't want to hate on them either because we understand it. But I think when you are that person, you want to be aware of it so that you don't push people away. Yeah. It's like, how is it leading you to more separation. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like, let's be mindful of like what, again, it's always coming back. What is more separation?

53:42What is more separation? In the book, it talks a little bit about purpose too. Like purpose as it relates to love and relationship. So what is that correlation? Because I think sometimes people think about them separately. Yes. Yeah. Before we dive into that, I wanted to touch on one more nuance because the questions you've asked have been so great. And I'm like, I want to make sure that we touch on that. There's a nuance also of like, when someone's starting their journey and i deeply mean this and it took me a while to learn this even as a coach in this space was not everyone's going to learn from the same books you read from the same podcast you listen to and from the same teachers and guides and coaches that you found your truth through and i often say to people i work with one of my favorite things i get to do is my podcast.

54:33And I sit down with so many different people from so many different walks of life. Some of them are neuroscientists, some of them are athletes, some of them are actors, musicians, models, some of them are philanthropists and professors. What I'm hoping is that that allows multiple different people to come on their journey of personal growth. Like I remember when I first sat down with Ray Dalio, who's become a dear friend at this point. Ray Dalio is the founder of Bridgewater Associates, highly sought after in the financial world. If anyone has a partner or a friend who's well known in finance, Ray Dalio is like, and I didn't even, when I first met Ray, I did not know that about him.

55:14And it was really funny because all my investment banker friends and hedge fund manager friends, after that episode, they were like, Jay, you're so cool. Like, we love you now. I was like, what? You're like, Kendall Jenner was on last week. but it's like for them, Ray Dalio is like their person. And so when they hear Ray talk about meditation and Ray does meditate, Ray's been meditating for years and he credits meditation as being one of the most successful parts of his success. All the hedge fund managers, investment bankers going, oh my God, I need to meditate, right? And they could have heard about it, about meditation from me for like years and it didn't move them.

55:47So people have to hear about it through a voice that affects them and not my voice doesn't affect everyone and that's okay. And, you know, it doesn't work that way. So I feel like when you're watching your partner not progress on the journey, it's often because you're trying to get them to go on your journey, not theirs. And so if you can open and broaden your mind and think, maybe they're not going to read the same book as me. Maybe they need to listen to this episode of this podcast. Right. So anyway, I wanted to touch on that. Yeah, I love that because it is. And again, I said it before, but it's like I think for women, there's like a communal aspect to who we are and what we do.

56:21Even with Roddy, it's so interesting hearing your guys' values because it's so masculine, feminine, if we're looking at just the archetypes of the energetics, yours is purpose, focus, hers is family. But it's like for women, we're like, okay, we're doing this thing. Come on, everybody. Join us. Join us in this thing. But again, there's that moment, and I think a lot of women are going through this, where it's almost like personal growth, self-development, work fatigue, because we've just been inundated with so much of it. And I just also want to be mindful, like how much is this personal growth work or information supporting you and loving yourself more?

56:57Yeah. And that's the period of it. You know, this needs to support you in a depth of love for yourself and acceptance that goes beyond really being concerned about what everyone else is doing. Yeah. In their world too. Yeah, that's so beautiful. And I couldn't agree with you more. And I deeply, I mean, I was raised by a mom who did everything for me. So, you know, I have a lot of, I've had a lot of perspective on that from day one where my mom woke me up, got me ready for school and for my sister too, made us breakfast, dropped us to school, made us pack lunch, went off to work all day. She learned a new career so that she could be flexible for me and my sister.

57:37so she quit her full-time job took exams in a whole new career path so that she could be self-employed to set up her own work from home situation so that she could pick us up and she didn't you know she never did exams beyond 16 years old like she didn't get to go to college or anything like that but she did all of that just for us and then she'd pick us up from school make dinner for us help us with our homework and then we'd go to bed and so I saw I saw like superwoman. And at the same time, I saw someone who, you know, didn't have enough time to love herself or didn't have enough time to do things for herself.

58:13And, and that pains me now looking back because obviously as an eight year old, as a 12 year old, there's very little understanding you have of the full picture or what you can do. I wish, I wish, I wish. And I do it now as much as I can, of course. But at that time I didn't have that. And I look at that and I'm like, wow, wow, my mom gave everything for me and my sister to be set up. And I know that I'm fueled by that love. And I know that the love I try to give out in the world is my mom's love that she filled me up with. Like, you know, the book, she's one third of the dedication of this book because she literally taught me how to love endlessly.

58:51And so when I look at the pressure that she had and the fact that she never made time for herself and she did set me up, i i really feel that and we'll go back to your purpose question afterwards and it's kind of linked to this but i do feel that the point of all of this work is to lead you to being happier healthier and more healed and the path to being happier healthier and more healed is not beautiful in the external sense it's it's difficult and so just because your life looks tough or difficult it doesn't mean you're on the wrong path chances are you're on the right path but i think what you brought up crystal which i love is that there's a spirit of self-love that kind of underpins all of it and really that comes from self-forgiveness and grace and that is a cultivation in and of itself and so actually what i would say based on your thoughts which i i appreciate i agree with most people's self-development work should actually be aimed at developing self-forgiveness and grace because that becomes a path to all of this.

1:00:16Because hey, whether you want to learn how to meditate or whether you want to work out more or whether you want to eat healthy or whatever you want to do, I promise you self-forgiveness and grace are going to be a part of the process because you're going to miss a day at the gym. You're going to miss eating that healthy meal. You're going to not want to meditate for three days in a row. And the skill that helps you with all of that is self-forgiveness and grace. And so I encourage you all to make your personal growth journey about self-forgiveness and grace to assist what you said, which I think changing who you are.

1:00:49Correct. Yeah. I think that's the goal, you know, for a lot of people is how can I change who I am? How can I make myself different instead of accepting where you're at? Um, yeah, the purpose piece on relationships and purpose. Yeah, the reason why I bring it up is kind of related to this. And it's the idea that Albert Einstein once said, if you want to be happy, like focus on a goal, not a person or a thing. And it's like the idea that I think a lot of people make people their purpose. and when i've worked with people especially people who've been in relationships for a long time maybe your partner was the entrepreneur so you sacrificed your journey to help them maybe your partner was the breadwinner so you put everything you cared about aside and went all in for them that's fine for a bit but when someone's done that for 10 20 30 years what i found is a lot of people come out in their 50s and then feel like they didn't achieve their potential so i've seen people who potentially look happily married or in relationships for 10 20 30 years and then one person comes out and says we worked for your dreams not mine and now they feel misled and so what i do in the book is i create a scenario-based support system regardless of your financial position or where you are to help you make sense of how do we decide how do we consciously make an effort to decide how we both help each other focus on our purpose of where we're at and again it's a consciousness thing what happened in these relationships that i'm talking about is the person who was the breadwinner they assumed their partner should help them and they never talked about it and so what ended up happening 30 years later they hate each other Well, one of them hates the other one for saying you took me away from my purpose.

1:02:42And they're like, no, I didn't take you away. I was just taking care of the family and you were helping me. And so it ends up being this awkward thing where it's like, we just never talked about it. And so I feel like when you have a healthy conversation and you're like, well, I think, you know, if you can give me 12 months to experiment, could you hold it down for 12 months? okay we experiment okay I got something can you do this and I think having that conversation up front just saves you so much stress and hassle and I think we avoid that conversation because we want to be the supportive partner we want to be the partner who sacrifices everything because look I look how much I love you and and I think that just misleads us and the other person so I would encourage you all to make the pursuit of purpose a healthy pursuit in your life and I call it a pursuit rather than finding your purpose because the pressure of finding your purpose again stops you from loving yourself because you're like i don't have it i don't know what it is i don't have it i don't know what it is and all i'm saying is hey just have stuff you care about and don't let go of it that's all i'm saying have something you care about and you don't let go of it it could be something as simple as going for a coffee with your friend every week it could be as simple as helping out at a homeless shelter or a soup kitchen it could be as simple as working on your creative pursuits of art or sport or whatever it may be, but just don't give it up because you think now you have to grow out of it.

1:04:10And I think that's in the book, I really give step-by-step focuses on how, no matter what your situation is, how you both don't have to sacrifice, but there's a way of figuring it out. Yeah, that's huge. I think also too, it's what I found during that and I've learned this over time, just even watching my parents or other relationships, so much can be remedied or supported by talking about it. You know, even with a lot of the, a lot of my women friends are the breadwinners. Like I think almost more than half now are breadwinners and it's like, there's a dynamic, there's a power play happening within the relationship where they're the breadwinners, you know, the husband or partner or boyfriend might not be.

1:04:50And so there's this like power struggle, but there's not an actual conversation of like, hey if i'm making more money what's your contribution or how are we going to work with this energy how are you feeling you know there's so much can be remedied by communication it's so wild yeah and and i guess that's why we've always heard communication communication communication but but the challenge is that we want to talk about how people behave or their actions but we don't want to talk about our intentions yes so we'd rather talk about you did that wrong you should be doing this or i expected this from you rather than this is what i'm feeling this is what i'm thinking how are you thinking about it and that's because we're scared that if we say it out loud the other person doesn't have the humility to hear it we're scared that if i tell my partner hey i'm the breadwinner i really need your support that they don't have the humility or the lack of ego to say, yeah, I think you're right.

1:05:49That's what we should do. And that's why what we have to realize is it doesn't have to be about winning and losing. The reason why ego gets involved is because we want to win. And the way I see in relationships is if I win and you lose, we both lose because we both are on the same team. And if you win and I lose then we both lose because we're on the same team so we have two choices we either win together or we lose together there's no third option whereas we think there's a third option of i won and you lost you both lost and so my encouragement is in a relationship if you're genuinely committed to working it out with someone first of all bring up conversation in a non-confrontational, non-aggressive way.

1:06:40Talk about things when they're not heated. We wait till things are heated to say how we really feel rather than doing it when it's cool and just saying, hey, you know, like I'll often ask Radhi, I'll be like, and this is when we're not having a fight or not in a disagreement. I'll say, is this relationship going in the direction you want it to go? But that question has to be asked in a safe space because what I don't want her to think is Jay thinks it's going in the wrong direction, which is not what I'm saying. I'm asking a question because if we're both going to be in this, I want to know if it's going in the direction you want and I want it to go in a certain direction.

1:07:20And then I want a safe space to say, hey, you know what? It's not quite going in the direction I want. Here's why. But it's like, it needs to be a safe space where I don't feel that person's going to destroy me for raising a concern. And I think we've created conversations and communication where anything that's uncomfortable to talk about or anything that's difficult to talk about you never talk about it we saw our parents do that we saw families do that we saw friends do that and now we only talk about uncomfortable things when we're screaming at the top of our lungs and that pushes the other person apart so i think humility i think presenting things properly i mean there's this beautiful research that shows that when you give feedback to someone, if you're walking together in the same direction, the other person's more likely to digest it.

1:08:11If you're sitting at a round table instead of opposite each other, it's less confrontational. It's creating less animosity. But if you're sitting opposite each other at a table, it feels like I'm against you. It doesn't feel like we're together. And so the idea of can you create that environment externally and internally that if i really want this person in my life we're going to solve this together if i really want them in my life it can't be about getting one up on them like that that can't be where we go yeah and conscious loving um they say that most arguments when they're unconscious are a fight for the victim position yeah so you're like who's the who's the victim when me and lindsey have a confrontation or even me and my husband and it's, we'll usually go to the beach.

1:08:56And if I have something that I want to talk about or she does, it's like, you'll kind of massage the first part of the conversation to be like normal. Yeah. And then you'll bring it up. Yeah. Because it's like, okay, we're regulating in our nervous systems together. And it's nice to have the walking in the same direction because not only is it like that symbol of we're walking together, but it almost gives your eyes and your body a little bit of a break. Yes. To just be, okay, I'm looking ahead. I'm not, we're not face to face. Like there's a face-off element. Yeah. And so being in nature and finding the right environment is really important.

1:09:27You know, being outside, being at the park, kind of breaking the pattern of potentially being in the home or being in the bedroom or being on all these things, I think is so nice. Absolutely. Yeah. And I love that you do that. And it's such a valuable skill. And, you know, I think learning how to fight. I talk about in the book about fight styles. And the reason why I brought up fight styles is I was a huge fan of, you know, Gary Chapman's five love languages. and I think that's beautiful. But I was looking at all the Gottman Institute research shows that learning how to fight, learning how to deal with conflict is core to a long lasting relationship.

1:10:04And if you look at our weakest skill in a relationship, it's communicating during conflict. Why do people struggle in a relationship? Because we don't know how to talk about hard things. We don't know how to have a conversation about things we disagree on. Literally, you can ruin the whole night because you disagreed about what to watch or what to eat. Like everything can go because we don't know how to talk about things that we could debate on. And so I created this and inside the book, there's a test that you can do that helps you figure out what your fight style is. And there are three fight styles.

1:10:38You have venting, hiding, and exploding. Venting is I want to talk it out and I want to talk about it right now. Let's solve this. Let's figure it out. Hiding is I need a break. I need to go somewhere by myself. I need to let myself emotionally regulate and then I'll come back when I'm ready. And exploding is like, you know, like maybe I'm like, I just burst into tears. I like just like, I need to blame you. I need to just like be aggressive. Maybe even it can be aggressive and it could just be like, I just feel, I just don't know how to control anything. Hiding is like, at least I know where to go away.

1:11:14Venting is like, but sometimes we explode and we all experience all of these three, obviously, but I hope you find your one. And it's important to know that because otherwise you're a kickboxer and your partner's doing MMA and it doesn't, you know, you can't fight accordingly. And so in our case, I'm a venter. I want to talk about it. I want to talk about it now. And Radi's a hider. She wants to go and reflect on it. And in the beginning of our relationship, I often said to Radi, I felt she didn't love me because she didn't want to talk about it right now. I was like, you obviously don't care because we just had a big argument.

1:11:48And if you need to walk away from this space, that means you don't care. That means you're not invested. That's just not true. Her way of investing is taking out time. My way of taking investment is showing I want to talk. And so I think knowing your fight style and being aware of it and being aware of your partner's fight style, I realized Radhi needed two days. I wanted it now. So we're talking one day. Let's meet in the middle. Let's give you some time, but let's not leave me in anxiety. Let's create a space where we can safely connect. And so when we communicate about our fight styles, when we communicate our relationship roles, when we communicate about all these things, we start getting tools and skills and abilities.

1:12:31When we don't talk about any of these things, we just create the story in our head. You're not here. That means you don't care. You're late. That means you don't care. You never turn up. That means you don't care. But those are just stories that we're creating without letting that person tell us their story. And we never know what their story is after many years. I'm so excited about the book. I'm so excited. Last question from me. What is one hope that you have for people when reading it or when having it? My hope for people when reading it is that it's not about completing the book. It's not about finishing a book.

1:13:15I think a lot of people today, it's like, I can finish a book. I completed a book. I listened to it. Of course. It's just such a funny concept. Yeah. And my hope is that you use it as a consistent guide, a consistent companion, a consistent workbook. There's activities, there's exercises, there's tests, there's quizzes, there's just a lot of material. It's not meant to be read just to finish it. It's there to help you at any point in your life when you're struggling and you flick to a page and go, talk to me. I want people to have a slower, longer, deeper love. And so I hope that your process of moving through the book is slower, longer and deeper because that will lead to that type of love.

1:13:58So grateful you're here. Thank you. This was beautiful. You asked me so many. You're such a brilliant interviewer. You asked me so many questions I haven't yet talked about. I haven't been asked. I really hope everyone who's been listening, like, I really hope this serves you. I want you to have a beautiful love story in your life. I want you to have the most fulfilling, powerful, abundant love in your life. But I want you to have the skills in order to create it. I don't want you to hope and wish and wait and want for it. And so, Krista, thank you so much for sharing this with your community and your audience.

1:14:33And I'm so grateful to you. So thank you. We love you guys. Thank you.

1:14:44Each year, around the holidays, I do a secret Santa gift exchange with my team. And I get so caught up in finding the perfect gift for my secret Santa, I almost forget that someone else is doing the same for me. If only we could treat all our relationships this way. if we could give with such enthusiasm without thinking about what we'll get back. And that's what the next seven minutes are about. Relationships, expectations, and where we can get into trouble. I'm Jay Shetty. Welcome to The Daily Jay. Let's start with a few mindful breaths to get centered in this moment. breathing in and breathing out expanding with the inhale releasing with the exhale settling in to right now and sinking into right here

1:15:58when people think of monasteries love is not the first thing that comes to mind. But, believe it or not, the biggest lessons I've learned about relationships came from my time as a monk. The ashram works like a big, extended family. We're taught to love and look after each other, lend a hand whenever possible, and generally show kindness towards each other. After months of giving my all, I began to feel like I wasn't getting all my giving back. So finally, I went to one of my teachers for advice. I'm upset, I said. I feel like I'm giving out a lot of love but I don't feel like it's being returned in kind.

1:16:50I'm caring and looking out for others but they don't do the same for me. I don't get it. Then he said something that forever changed my relationship with relationships. Love is like a circle. You assume the love you will receive will come from the person you gave it to, but it doesn't always come from that person. The problem, he told me, lies in our expectations. We tend to think of relationships as transactions. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours We keep scorecards in our minds We go tit for tat But love and relationships don't always work that way Or at least they shouldn't A tit for them doesn't always equal a tat for you You know, this makes me think of my mum Caring, loving, always there for me In fact, if she had her way, we'd be FaceTiming all day long.

1:18:00And don't get me wrong, I love my mom. I'm eternally grateful for her. And I try to show it. But even if I don't pick up her call or give her the same attention back, her approach to me doesn't change. She never expects anything in return. I think we could all use that lesson to focus on what we're giving out, let go of the scorecard, scratch your back without worrying about the itch on ours, and give without expectations. We should give love purely to give love. No other reason. It's as simple as that. And let's reflect on that now. Begin by thinking about how you tend to view relationships. Do you look for reciprocation?

1:18:55Do you keep a tally?

1:19:00Who has shown you kindness or consideration without expecting something equal in return?

1:19:12How could you be that person for someone else, for everyone else?

1:19:22See what happens if you let go of your expectations and join into the feedback loop of love. So for today's meditation, we're going to do a loving-kindness practice to work on giving with no agenda. Start by getting comfortable. Feel free to close your eyes if you want. and bring your attention to your breath, the natural flow of air in and out.

1:20:06Now let's send some love. Bring to mind someone that's easy to feel kindness towards. It could be a family member, a friend, even a pet.

1:20:27Think of their positive qualities and just send them love. Simple as that.

1:20:41You can silently repeat these phrases if it helps. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be peaceful.

1:21:02Showering them with well wishes. Nothing in it for you.

1:21:15now extend this out a bit and include a group of people or even the whole world

1:21:27may you be happy may you be healthy may you be peaceful

1:21:42This practice of sending love can help open our hearts. And a famous quote by Catherine Hepburn sums it up well. Love has nothing to do with what you're expecting to get. Only with what you're expecting to give, which is everything. Thank you for trying something new with me. go ahead and share this message with someone else who could use a little love today. I love you all, and I can't wait to connect once again tomorrow. This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed Human.