4 Signs You Care Too Much About What People Think & How To Stop Worrying About People’s Opinions

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2:38Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. I am so grateful that you're locked in right now. the amount of you that are listening on Spotify, on Apple, leaving your reviews makes such a huge difference. And I hope that you're going back into our back catalog of previous episodes as well. Make sure you're not missing out on anything because I know that there's been some updates on the apps. I want to make sure that you don't miss out. Subscribe, come back every Monday and Friday for new episodes. And of course, remember, we have 500 episodes from the last five years that you can go back to if you're a new listener.

3:21Whether you've listened to one episode, welcome. Whether you're listening to your 500th episode, welcome back. I am Jay Shetty and I'm so happy to be here with you today. Today's theme is stop caring about what people think and the signs that we care too much about what people think. now the reason I dove into this topic is because I think we've all had a situation with our friends where someone sends a decision they're about to make to the group chat and they say what do you think I should say on my dating profile or what do you think about this guy that I'm dating or what do you think about this job opportunity that's out there or what do you think about what I should wear to the party this weekend now there's nothing wrong about that it's harmless It's totally normal.

4:10It's natural for us to seek validation from the people around us, to seek insight from the people around us. But often what we find is that we've gone down a hole where we make decisions, choices and big directives in our life based on what other people think. A lot of us when we're young chose subjects at school based on what our parents thought. we chose where we went to college maybe because of some friends we maybe even chose what city we live in because we were in a romantic relationship until it didn't work out and so so many of our decisions some of our biggest decisions in life are made aligned with other people's values and not always with our own values and this episode is all about us really getting clear on that It's not bad to make a decision based on someone else's value if that value aligns with us It's not bad if we're conscious and aware But it's really important that we recognize it So I want to talk to you a bit about the signs That we care too much about what other people think of us Because sometimes it can be so subtle, right?

5:23It's not always so obvious as you buy the same clothes or go to the same places It can be a lot more subtle one of the first ways or signs that shows we care too much is that we can be easily swayed so we often take this as a feeling of oh i'm laid back i'm open to anything i'll do whatever you want and really it's because we're scared of sharing our opinion because we're scared that people may not want to do that maybe it's deciding what movie to watch or what restaurant to go to you end up at a horror movie even though you absolutely hate them and you end up eating a particular cuisine even though it's your least favorite you're easily swayed because there's a part of you that doesn't want to be the one to cause conflict there's a part of you that doesn't want to be the one to stand out now you may be easygoing you genuinely may not care and that's probable too but for those of you that are thinking you know what i do get easily swayed i do find it easy to sacrifice and give up on what I really care about and what I want, this is an important no.

6:31Now, I'm not saying that the way to do this is to fight for everything you want or to retaliate, because often we've been giving people the permission. Often we're not easily swayed because someone's persuading us or negotiating with us. We're easily swayed because we allow ourselves to be. So this is something that we can set better boundaries around. Now, the second sign is you struggle to turn things down. You struggle to say no, right? Someone says to you, oh, you're coming out tomorrow night, right? And even though you had other plans, even though you knew you didn't want to go, you said, yeah, I'll be there.

7:11And then the whole next 24 hours, you're going, why did I say yes, I just want to stay indoors. I don't want to go anywhere. But now you've said yes. You struggle with saying no. You struggle with being clear because we care about what people think. We're hoping that people don't think we're boring, that people don't think that we're not a good time, that people don't stop inviting us, right? We're worried about all of these things. another sign is that we are self-proclaimed people pleasers we know that we're constantly trying to shape shift we're constantly trying to be malleable because all we want to do is please others not because we genuinely want to please them by who we are but by actually disconnecting from who we are.

8:00Another one is you outsource your choices, right? So someone else is making a decision about what you wear. Someone else is making a decision about the color of your couch. Someone else is making a decision about something else, right? You're basically saying, guys, can you make the decision for me? Because I don't want to make decisions. And in that way, we almost do that because a part of us doesn't want to take responsibility. We'd rather be able to say oh yeah but they told me it was a good idea i thought it was a good idea and again it comes from a lack of trust in ourselves now these are all very normal things this doesn't make you weak it doesn't make you not strong it doesn't make you not bold it doesn't make you not a good person these are things that we all struggle with and i still struggle with too right i remember a couple of weeks ago when i'd already made plans and i had to say no to someone and it broke my heart.

8:54I still feel bad when I have to do that. But I started looking into it and a lot of the science and research suggests that we have to care what people think in order to develop closeness, right? We have to care what people think in order to feel a sense of belonging. That's what belonging is all about and belonging is a core tenet in life. We need it, right? If you feel a part of a team, you feel we all support the same team so I do care about what you think, right? If we're going to the same place of worship or we go to the same community center, we think to ourselves, yeah, I want to feel like I fit in.

9:32And the list goes on and on and on. And the truth is, if we didn't care about what people think, the world would be chaotic. Can you imagine if everyone on planet Earth didn't care what anyone thought? That would lead to chaos. if you've ever played GTA that's what it would be like right where there's no consequences it doesn't matter you can do whatever you want and I mean yes the cops will come after you but the reality is that you kind of live in a way that it doesn't matter what you do because it's not real so imagine if we lived in a world where everyone did exactly what they wanted although it's a nice idea in theory in practice it could be extremely extremely worrying and so the part that we have to understand is there are moments in our life where it is healthy to listen to others where it is healthy to care about what other people think and i want to start with that i want to start with when should we care about what other people think one of the ways that I found it really useful is if someone has been through an experience previously to you.

10:49Think about a basic example. Someone's been to a country before you. Someone has been to a concert before you. I'm not saying that their experience will be your experience, but their advice, their insight may be useful. If you want to start a podcast, speaking to someone who started a podcast and asking them, what are some of the challenges you came up against? What are some of the things you were surprised by? What are some of the things that were easier than you thought? Being able to talk to someone who's one year, three years, five years into an experience allows you to understand something deeply.

11:23You can care about what they think. And notice there's a difference between caring about what people think and what people think of you. I think these two things are often convoluted, right? It's like, I can care about your opinion as your opinion and still not make it my noise and my opinion. And I think we don't understand how to filter and how to create a distance between these two things that automatically when someone says something, we subconsciously make it our own. And so I really want you to consider in your life, when have you listened to people and it's been really powerful and useful?

12:06I can honestly say I had a conversation with someone the other day they shared so many great insights with me it was all about Junie which of course is mine and my wife's sparkling adaptogenic tea and for those of you who haven't tried it please do it's one of our favorite things that we've been working on it's a real passion project and as we've been building Drink Junie as a company and as a brand we've had to take advice from other beverage entrepreneurs who've done it before us because we're complete novices and at that point it is important that they that i care about what they think right it's also important to care about what people think when it's a group of people that you trust a group of people that you recognize have different things to offer you so there are four c's of connection the first one is care there are some people that care about you so you care about what they think when it comes to caring about you.

13:04If you want to know who has your best interest at heart, this is the group to go to. The second one is consistency. There are certain people who are consistently there for you. They've always been around. They'll always be around because they are just in your life. Again, you care about what they think about you in that specific area. I couldn't be more excited to share something truly special with all you tea lovers out there. And even if you don't love tea, if you love refreshing, rejuvenating, refueling sodas that are good for you, listen to this. Radhi and I poured our hearts into creating Juni sparkling tea with adaptogens for you because we believe in nurturing your body and with every sip, you'll experience calmness of mind, a refreshing vitality and a burst of brightness to your day.

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14:36So visit drinkjuni.com today to elevate your wellness journey and use code ONPURPOSE to receive 15 % off your first order. That's drinkjuni.com and make sure you use the code ONPURPOSE. I think what I'm trying to say is that there are people whose opinion matter in specific areas of your life. There are very few people whose opinions matter across the entirety of your life. And I think that's the challenge. We often take people we love and trust, people that have known us for a long time, as their opinion matters across every area of my life. And often, sometimes we trust someone who barely knows us with their opinion of our entire life.

15:21the third one is competency this is a really really important point that i want to make often we care about what people think about us even when they're not experts in the field and this is potentially one of the most damaging times we care about what people think because not only are they not an expert they may not be that close to us yet their opinion matters to us so much Right? Have you thought about that before? Maybe you're working on a project and then someone shares their opinion on it. Now, I'm not saying there may not be any value in what they're saying, but if they're not an expert in that space, it doesn't make sense.

16:01I often say that to my friends when my friends are asking me for advice about a particular career path. And I'll stop and I'll say to them, I know nothing about that industry. I can give you some life principles. I can give you some thought about how humans interact in that space. And I can share some ancient wisdom and science that I've read, but I can't really give you an example because that industry is something I don't have experience with. And I think that's a really important trait of the people around you as well, who can own up to when they don't know. So, and the last one is character.

16:37There are people in your life who you know when you want to test whether you're doing something that's aligned and of the right values, then these people carry that character. So you've got care, consistency, competence, and character. When you do care about what people think, make sure they fit into one of these four categories and you allow them to have an impact based on that category. So that's all about choosing your friends wisely. Some people will have an opinion about everything, right? They'll have an opinion about what you're wearing, who you're dating, how much money you make, what home you live in.

17:15And that can be really hard if someone has an opinion about everything you're doing because if they're close to you, it starts to become relevant. So choose your friends wisely and recognize who are your friends that you value because they care for you. Who's the list of people that you value because they're competent? Who are the consistent people? And who are the people of high character? I actually want you to write down those four words and make lists of people in your life so that the next time you're struggling with one of those areas, you have someone you can reach out to. And the next time you get some unsolicited insight, you get some unsolicited answers from one of these people, you can actually think, well, wait a minute, do they fit into this category of the advice they're giving?

17:57This is a great filtering tool. Like if someone's giving me career advice, but that's not their forte, and that isn't something they understand, it doesn't mean that I don't think there's value in it just means that I still have to live my life and I can't be sidetracked because otherwise everyone's opinion is relevant at all times. I hope that makes sense. It's compassionate and kind, but it has to be clear as well. This one's a huge one. Don't be someone who gossips about others because if you talk about others, you'll always assume people are talking about you. Let me say it again. If you gossip about others, you'll always think others are gossiping about you.

18:37You'll always feel that other people are talking about you because that's what you're doing in your spare time. In your spare time, you're looking at someone else going, can't believe they wore that, can't believe they did that, can't believe they're dating so-and-so, can't believe. And if you're having that conversation, you're basically creating a projection. See, the reason why when someone does something really bad to us, it's really hard for us to understand because we're like, we would never do that to someone, right? We think to ourselves, well, I would never ever do that to you so you can't even wrap your head around it sometimes.

19:11And so similarly, when you're treating people a certain way, like if you're thinking a lot about other people, in your head you're thinking, well, they must be thinking about me. We project our own insecurities onto the behaviors of others. We project our own challenges onto the behavior of others. And so that's really, really important that we recognize that we don't want to be someone who's gossiping or talking about others and then struggling because we are lost in that mindset. And apart from that, it's just unhealthy. If we're constantly speaking about others, we don't have time to speak about really big ideas, dreams, goals, things we're working on, how we're improving ourself.

19:59And it's a slippery slope, slippery, slippery slope. And we often justify that we're doing it for the right reason, but we all know that there are better things to focus on for our own growth. Number three, really important, be clear about how you feel about yourself. What is important to you? In Think Like Among, chapter one, I give you an auditing exercise. The auditing exercise is writing down what you think you currently value. And remember, what you value is not what you think you value, It's what you spend your money, your time, and your energy on. I always say to people that your schedule and your expense report shows you more about what you value than what you think in your head.

20:45So for example, what's your greatest expenditure? Is it truly on family because you say you value family? Or is it on personal expenses? When you say your schedule, if you say you truly value your work, but then your work doesn't make up that much of your day. So when we analyze our money and our time outgoing, that shows us what we value. And what I'm asking you here is be clear about what you value and whether it's actually showing up in your life. The audit exercise is writing down a list of your current values and then asking yourself where you got it from. So write down a list of your values, write down a list of where you got them from and then ask yourself do I still want this value I'll give an example there may be someone who has a value that they like to spend a lot and then when they reflect on where they got that value they realize they got that value from a parent and now when they reflect on their value themselves they go actually this value is not serving me this value is not helping me build a good life i do want to change my value this is how we get clear about our values when we get really clear about our values we now even if the result isn't in our favor we still feel okay i've had this experience right and you've probably had it too where like you do something it makes no sense to anyone but because it made sense to you you think to yourself you know what that's okay it's okay, right?

22:15But oftentimes we do things without a sense of personal clarity. We take steps without being open and honest with ourselves. Parking shouldn't slow you down. ParkWiz gives every driver a shortcut. Book ahead, save up to 50 % and skip the hassle of circling the block. Park smarter, park faster. ParkWiz. Download the ParkWiz app today and save every time you park.

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23:13Malcolm Gladwell here. I recently recorded the first episode of Smart Talks with IBM, where I learned how AI agents are joining AI assistants as a major productivity tool. Let's start with AI agents. AI agents can reason, plan, and collaborate with other AI tools to autonomously perform tasks for a user. Brian Bissell, an expert from IBM, gave me an example of how a college freshman might use an AI agent. As a new student, you may not know, how do I do with my health and wellness issue? How many credits am I going to get for this given class? You could talk to someone and find out some of that, but maybe it's a little bit sensitive and you don't want to do that.

23:53Bissell told me, you could build an AI agent, a resource for new students that helps them navigate a new campus, register for classes, access the services they need, and even schedule appointments on their behalf, which in turn buys them more time to focus on their actual schoolwork. We can see patterns of how agents and assistants can help employees and customers and end users be more productive, automate workflows so they're not doing certain types of repetitive work over and over again, and streamlining their lives and making data more accessible to them 24 hours a day. To learn more about IBM's AI agents and how they can help your business, visit ibm.com slash agents.

24:41number four opinions don't impact your reality i want this one to sink in close your eyes and hear me say this opinions don't become your reality what they do is that they can become your thoughts often we think if someone says something then that's just how it's going to go It's not true. If someone thinks your business isn't going to work, that doesn't mean anything. If someone thinks your podcast is a bad idea, that doesn't necessarily mean anything. If someone doesn't think that what you're doing helps people, it doesn't necessarily mean anything. And what I've realized is that a lot of us get so lost in trying to overvalue what someone feels that we undervalue doing the work.

25:32So when someone else's opinions become your own thoughts, that's when it really starts to hurt that's when it really starts to dismantle you and so what we have to be careful of is we have to recognize that everyone's entitled to their opinion but we can't make it a part of our inner dialogue we can't make it a part of our inner thought process here's an activity I want you to do for step number five I want you to think of your three best decisions you've made in life the best decisions you ever made that you could see afterwards that they were the best decisions. So if I was to choose mine, one would be choosing to become a monk, one would be leaving to become a monk and the third one would be starting the podcast.

26:22For example, I could pick many others but those would be three that I would consider to be really good decisions in my life, some of my best decisions. So I want you to make a list of your three best decisions. Now I want you to think about it Because I guarantee That your three best decisions in life Weren't based on other people's opinions I'm pretty sure that your best three decisions in life Maybe even made others feel uncomfortable I remember when I chose to become a monk People didn't think that was the best idea And when I left being a monk People didn't think that was the best idea When I wanted to start my podcast People didn't think it was the best idea Right?

27:01A lot of people didn't actually I didn't have a lot of validation for those three decisions. But I was really sure that this was going to be good for me, that I was really passionate about the decisions I was making. And I truly believe that your best decisions in life were not influenced by someone else. Now, that doesn't mean you didn't get inspiration. It doesn't mean that other people didn't positively impact it. But what I find is that they weren't based on the opinion of others. and I want you to take confidence in that. I want you to take confidence in the fact that you have made brilliant decisions in the past and they were brilliant because you weren't being impacted by other people's opinions.

27:43Right, if other people's opinions align with you, that's great. But you have to ask yourself, is it actually making you feel uncomfortable to pursuing the path that someone else thinks is good for you? Number six, people are not thinking about you as much, as often, or as deeply as you think they are. Let me say that again. Take this one in. Let it sink in. People are never thinking about you as much, as often, or as deeply as you think they are. We think that people are sitting there just thinking about us, that they're talking about us. and I wish I could find the studies on how much time people actually spend thinking about you and I promise you it is less than one percent of their day I think we have something like 45 thoughts per minute or something like that I promise you there aren't that many thoughts that are about you most of our challenge with that is we're thinking it we're thinking that people are thinking it about us going back to my favorite Charles Horton Cooley quote which you've heard me say a million times, but I'm going to say it again because it's my favorite.

29:00Charles Horton Cooley said, I'm not what I think I am. I'm not what you think I am. I am what I think you think I am. Right? Let that blow your mind for a moment. He said, I am what I think you think I am. So we think, we think we know what other people are thinking about us and we base our perception of ourself on that. So if I think you think I'm weak, then I feel weak. If I think you think I'm strong, then I feel strong. We want to get out of that inception, right? And the last point I wanted to make, seventh point, place value on the source based on their qualities and attributes. Don't misplace.

29:44Don't overvalue someone's opinion without really understanding where they're coming from and the place with which it's coming from. Is it coming from the place of wanting to invest in your growth? Is it coming from being a well-wisher? Where is it coming from? Recognizing that intention can make a huge difference. I want to thank you for tuning in today. I hope this episode helps you. I hope it sparks a conversation. I hope you share it with a friend. Remember, I am always rooting for you. I want you to win. And I'm in your corner forever. Thank you so much for listening. I appreciate you. Get excited for Monday and come back and go back through all the episodes and catch up on some of those too.

30:29Thank you. Thank you so much for listening to this conversation. if you enjoyed it you'll love my chat with adam grant on why discomfort is the key to growth and the strategies for unlocking your hidden potential if you know you want to be more and achieve more this year go check it out right now you set a goal today you achieve it in six months and then by the time it happens it's almost a relief there's no sense of meaning and purpose you sort of expected it and you would have been disappointed if it didn't happen parking shouldn't slow you down. ParkWiz gives every driver a shortcut. Book ahead, save up to 50 % and skip the hassle of circling the block.