4 Types of Jealousy and 8 Strategies to Use it Wisely

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2:05Hey everyone, I'm so excited because we're going to be adding a really special offering onto the back of my solo episodes on Fridays. The Daily J is a daily series on Calm and it's meant to inspire you while outlining tools and techniques to live a more mindful, stress-free life. We dive into a range of topics and the best part is each episode is only seven minutes long, so you can incorporate it into your schedule no matter how busy you are. As a dedicated part of the On Purpose community, I wanted to do something special for you this year, so I'll be playing a hand-picked Daily J during each of my Friday podcasts.

2:43This week, I'm sharing an inspiring story that motivates me and hopefully can motivate you too. Of course, if you want to listen to The Daily J every day, you can go subscribe to Calm. So go to calm.com forward slash J for 40 % off your membership today.

3:05Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health and wellness podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every one of you that choose to come back every week to become happier, healthier, and more healed. Now, it's been an incredible year so far on On Purpose. The love from this community has been unbelievable. There are tens of thousands of reviews across Spotify and Apple and so many more wherever you listen to podcasts, whether it's on iHeart or anywhere else. And I just want to take a moment to say thank you for those. They make such a difference to the way I feel and the team feels creating this content every single week.

3:46And they make such a difference to new members. If you're a new listener, thank you so much for being here. If you've been here 100 times, 200 times, 461 times, I am grateful if you listen to us every day. Thank you. Whether you're on your first listen or your 100th listen, I appreciate you. And I want to dive into a really interesting topic this week. And this topic was actually brought to me by my team. One of my team members said to me, hey, Jay, like I'm really struggling with this. Could you help me? Could you do a pod on it? Actually, that was the request. And I love it when something comes so organically.

4:24On these episodes, I'm always trying to start an organic conversation or share a conversation that I've been having with a client, a friend, a team member, whoever it may be. And it was really interesting because this started as one team member's request and turned into a team therapy session where we were all openly sharing with each other how we struggle with this. And so what you're about to hear is actually crowdsourced stories, experiences, challenges with this subject. And I hope that as you're listening, not only do you feel less alone, I hope that listening to this helps you judge yourself less and stops you from making yourself feel guilty.

5:11And of course, as always, I'm dedicated to giving you the steps, the solutions, the strategies, the methods, so that you can actually break through and move forward. Today, we're talking about the formidable blocks in our life of envy and jealousy. Now, I don't think there's anyone in the world who doesn't feel envy or jealousy in some way or some capacity. And I know it's hard to think that. It's hard to believe that there are people out there who don't feel that way. You look at someone and you go, well, they must have it all made. You look at someone else and we go, well, she has everything or they have everything.

5:54They're good looking, they're rich, they're famous, they're successful, everything must be perfect. And what I've learned by being closer and closer to that world by people I meet and people that I've come across is that no one feels that way. Everyone is either jealous, envious, insecure, or in some way unstable about whatever position or platform that they have. One of my friends told me this incredible story and I'm sharing it with you because it really puts things into perspective at that sort of a level. So he just bought the house of his dreams and it was incredible and it was everything he could have ever wanted.

6:37He was then invited to someone else's birthday party and he went to their home. And when he went to this person's home, they were showing him around the home and they showed him one piece of art in their home and his house cost the same as the art on this other person's wall. And he said that that made him reflect just on how at every stage we can always feel envy and jealousy. So sometimes we think, oh, when I get that, I won't be jealous anymore. When I achieve that, I won't be envious of anyone. But actually overcoming envy and jealousy has to be its own pursuit as we pursue our desires. And this was something I learned during my time as a monk where overcoming jealousy, overcoming ego, overcoming envy, these were pursuits in themselves.

7:35There was no external achievement that was going to take away that internal feeling. There was no amount of money, no amount of awards, no amount of comfort, no amount of first class flights, no amount of even just having the happy family and the perfect setup. Even if you didn't have these grand ambitions, there was no external point of life that would remove envy and jealousy unless they were removed strategically and specifically. And so I want to dive into just how normal this is, because I think one of the things that keeps us blocked is the guilt we feel for feeling it. One of the things that keeps us stuck is the amount we judge ourselves, right?

8:21We all feel icky, like we feel upset at ourselves for even feeling that way, especially when if it's about a family member or a friend or someone in our life. I know that we don't like carrying that feeling. And I know you know what that feels like. So I want us to move past that block By recognizing that all of us struggle with this So studies show that 79 % of women and 74 % of men Reported envying someone within the previous year Now the research goes on to show that we envy less as we age And that makes sense because as we age Certain things in our life become more clear and certain things in our life become more set up to a certain degree where we get a more realistic view so younger people were more likely to be envious about academic success social status romantic relationships and of course appearance and one of the studies showed that 40 percent of the people who were researched reported envying the romantic success of someone else they knew compared to less than 15 % of people that were over 50.

9:36And that makes sense because the people over 50 were already in relationships. But it's interesting how we do envy less as we age either by getting somewhere or getting something or either by maturing. And I wanna talk about that active maturing rather than just naturally envying less. I think the natural process of aging and envy and jealousy decreasing is great. It's something we can all look forward to. But I think while we're in this space of managing it and figuring it out, it's so important that we learn to purify and neutralize these feelings because what envy and jealousy do is that they end up blocking our growth and they end up blocking us from celebrating other people's growth, right?

10:24They're not useful emotions in that when they are negative in our lives, it actually stops us from focusing on our growth and our success and the path we want to take. And it stops us from celebrating, appreciating and admiring others. One of the studies I looked at from American psychologists, Danielle J. Delpriory and Sarah Hill and David M. Buss. And this was from a great article by Rainer Zittelman. And in that article, it breaks down the common things that women and men envy. And that's what the psychologists wanted to focus on. So women admitted that they found these things they envied more.

11:08So they envied physical attractiveness, they envied popularity, they envied social ease, they envied family relationships, and they envied better clothing. Those were generally the things that women envied. and the study was focused on looking at the difference in what genders envied. And men more frequently admitted that they envied other people's romantic success, greater access to financial resources, ownership of status item, a particular thing, greater academic success, and superior athletic talent. So it's really interesting to see how even as men and women, we envy and are jealous of different things.

11:51and that's why sometimes if you're talking to your friend, your partner about it, you may find that you find different things triggering, but the point is we all find something triggering. I think that's what I always like to recognize is that we may all have different challenges, but we all have the challenge in and of itself. You're not alone. You don't need to feel bad or guilty or beat yourself up about having this trait. It is a human trait, a human experience to have this trait. And the majority of us are experiencing it some way or the other. And the fact that you're here today because you want to break through it and you want to overcome it, I think is what we need to take confidence in.

12:36And I'm always trying to shift your mindset away from self-judgment to breakthrough because guilt blocks growth. Judgment stops you from taking action. now it's really interesting because a lot of researchers have looked at the difference between jealousy and envy and there's lots of different versions of this and i'll only share what i learned during my monk time which i found to be very useful and it was this idea that there is a difference between jealousy and envy and in the monk teachings it was shared with us that jealousy is passive and envy is active. And what I mean by that is jealousy is where you're like, I wish I had that.

13:24Envy is like, they don't deserve that. Right? There's that slight difference. And it's important for us to know which one we're struggling with because one is a more extreme version of the other. Envy is a more extreme version of jealousy. The idea that not only do want it for yourself, you don't think the other person deserves it. That can be a really harmful thought and harmful experience to yourself and others because it can push you away from the people you deeply love. It can push you away from the people that you deeply value, the people that mean so much to you, the people that you believe in, right?

14:03It's so frustrating having this feeling when you're like, I love this person, I want them to win, but I just feel a little bit jealous about them, right? So what I thought I'd do in order to direct and guide and give structure to our conversation today is I wanted to talk about the different types of how jealousy shows up in our lives. Because I think it's really important to understand the different symptoms of how it shows up so we can truly be vigilant. There are three steps to making any change in your life. First is awareness. The second is addressing it. And the third is amending it. We first become aware, then we address, and then we amend.

14:46And so first we have to become aware of where are all the ways and all the places in how my jealousy shows up. Now, the fact that you're here shows to me that you're already self-aware. It's already something that you know is blocking you from achieving your greatest potential. And that's what I found about jealousy and envy is that they suck out the energy from your life and your focus so much because your energy is all pointing outward instead of pointing inward and forward, right? That's a choice we get to make in our life is our energy pointing outward because we're looking outward at what everyone else is doing or are we focused on inward and moving forward ourselves?

15:30So let's start with awareness. There are different types of jealousy and all I want you to do is make a mental note of whether there's a tick next to this or a cross next to it. Some of you may have a lot of ticks. Some of you may have a lot of crosses, but I want you to refine your awareness, your radar of how well you are at being aware of this. And again, we're going to do this in a safe space, a nonjudgmental environment, because remember, we're all struggling with this. We all have a difficulty with this. We all have a challenge with this. And as I tell you these stories and examples, some of which my team shared with me in confidence and they knew that I was going to share on the podcast without naming names and giving away people.

16:09I think it's really, really important that you get a sense of which ones you struggle with. One thing I've been reflecting on lately is how even the smallest choices can create a big impact over time. Whether it's choosing to spend a quiet night in to recharge or making a decision that brings you closer to a long-term goal, those moments of intention really matter. And when it comes to the choices we make with our money, that same mindset applies. I've learned that saving for the things that truly matter, like your first home or a reliable car, starts with small, thoughtful decisions. That's why I appreciate what State Farm is doing with their personal price plan.

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18:56me to discuss the new Audible adaptation of the timeless Jane Austen classic Pride and Prejudice. This is not a trick question. There's no wrong answer. What role would I play? You know what? I can see you as Mr. Darcy. You got a little Colin Firth. Okay. That's really sweet. I appreciate that. But are you sure I'm not the dad? I'm not Mr. Bennett here. Listen to Earsay, the Audible and iHeart audiobook club on the iHeart Radio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

19:35So one of the first types of jealousy is when you're going through a challenge and other people are not going through that challenge. So you're going through something, but no one in your life is going through that. And you're jealous because their life is easier. You're jealous because their life is more seamless or appears more seamless. You're jealous because you feel like, I wish my life was that easy. I wish my life was free of this stress that I'm having to go through. How many of you have ever felt that? Put your hand up right now. Take a screenshot of this moment as I walk through this list.

20:12This is a great conversation starter between your friends as well. I know I've definitely felt this before. I'm going through something. I wish I didn't have to go through it and I can see other people are not going through it and I feel jealous of them. So if you're experiencing this type of jealousy where you're going through a challenge that others are not and you're wishing you had their life, there's a really key technique to improve this mindset. And this technique is zoom out. The technique is called zoom out. You want to zoom out to look at the bigger picture, not the specific thing. For example, if you're looking at someone else's life and you're going, I'm going through this stress, that person is not.

21:01I wish it was like that for me. You want to zoom out. Let me paint a picture for you. Let's say you and your friend are both moving home or you're moving country. So let's say in that scenario that your stuff gets lost and their stuff doesn't. So their stuff arrives on time, your stuff gets lost. You're now stressed out because you're dealing with talking to the moving company, you're talking to the airline, you're talking to insurance, and you're looking at their life and going, well, they've moved in, they're comfortable, they're like watching Netflix with their partner, and like they're thinking about furniture and all this kind of stuff, and your stuff's all lost.

21:41And you're jealous of them because you're like, I wish that happened to me. Why didn't it happen to me? In those situations, we have to zoom out and look at the bigger picture. There are so many moments in our life where our life will be easier than others. And there are so many moments in other people's lives where their lives will be easier than others. And when you judge your life in one moment as being better or worse than someone else's, you could lose all the time if you focus just on that specific thing. because just on that specific thing, your stuff is lost. Now, I'm not saying you're not allowed to feel stressed.

22:17I'm not saying you're not allowed to feel upset. I'm just saying that when it comes to that other person who has nothing to do with it, absolutely nothing to do with your situation, it's important to recognize that maybe this part went seamless for them, but hey, maybe them getting that apartment was really tough. Maybe they waited months and months and months to find that apartment. or maybe right now they just lost their job or maybe right now they're going through a personal thing someone in their family is going through something I think it's so interesting and easy when we focus on one area we're like I'm behind, my life's messed up, they're ahead, they're doing great but when you zoom out it changes the complete perspective of what's going on and this is one of the analogies I like to draw is between a movie If you walk in halfway to a movie, you may think a character is having the most incredible time.

23:14Imagine you walked in halfway to Wolf of Wall Street and you see him driving the fast car. You see Leonardo DiCaprio. Jonah Hill comes up to him and goes, how much money did you make this year? He's like, I made 49 million, just shy of a million a week. they have that interaction Jonah Hill's like I'll quit everything I'll work for you you see him on his yacht when you walk in at that moment everything seems great and you think wow I'm jealous of him but then if you really look at what happened before and then you look at what happened afterwards when you zoom out you get a full perspective of someone's actual story and journey and so I want you to zoom out when you're jealous or envious of something specific about someone know that when you zoom out we all share in our trials and challenges we all have different things going wrong in our life and robin roberts once said that if we were all to throw our problems into a pile we'd grab ours right back because when we look at the perspective of the challenges others are going through even if ours is really tough there's a side where we're like okay, I can deal with this.

24:29So I want you to zoom out. Now, the next type of jealousy is when we want something that others have. I want that kind of a guy. I want that kind of a job. I want that kind of a house. I want that kind of an apartment. I want that kind of vacation, right? It's constant. We want what other people have. We see what other people have and we go, that's exactly what I wanted. Why don't I have it? And maybe if it dips into envy, we go, they don't deserve it either. they're a bad person, right? Sometimes we feel that way. And it's really interesting because, again, that's normal. It's normal. It's human nature to look at what someone has and think I want it, especially if it looks attractive and especially if we've been conditioned for certain things to look attractive.

25:16And that's the first thing I want you to look at. Is it something that you genuinely find attractive because you care? Or do you find it attractive because someone else cares? Have your parents always told you people who buy a house are set up for life? So now whenever you see someone who's bought a house, you think, oh my God, people who buy a house are set up for life and that voice is in your head, but you don't actually believe that you're really happy in your rented apartment, right? Where is that conditioning coming from? Have you had the conditioning from your friends that you grew up with that says, oh, if you're with this type of a guy or this type of a girl, that's the person who's got it all together.

25:57Now you're carrying that voice in your head. So when you see that you want something that someone else has, I want you to ask yourself, is it truly something you want? It's that self-awareness piece. Is this something that I really want to pursue and chase? Or is it something that I'm just attracted to because someone's told me to be attracted to it somewhere? It's not really that important to me, but it's become important to me because of how I've been habituated and conditioned to believe. So in that moment, ask yourself, is this something I want? Is this something I want to pursue? If the answer is yes, this is something that's important to you, it's not important to you because it was important to your mom or dad.

26:41It's not important to you because it was important to your friend at school. It's not important to you because someone took a dig at you or you saw something. If it's truly important to you, Ask yourself how your jealousy Can become admiration and attraction And you go, let me study that person How can I do what they did to get there? How can I study and learn from them? We turn our judgment and our criticism into curiosity And then we ask ourselves Do I want to do that after we study it? So the first question is Is that what I want? Or is that what society has made me want? If it's what I want, let me study what they've done and learn about what they've done, understand what they've done, and then ask myself if I'm ready to do that.

27:29This is how you transform through those three questions. You transform your jealousy into admiration, appreciation, and attraction. It's easy for someone to see Cristiano Ronaldo, world famous soccer player, and think, I want that body. I want to look like that. and then you study how hard he works to look like that and then you go, no, I'm good. I don't want to look like that, right? You can appreciate and admire and respect it without having to then think I want to because I don't want to do the work. When you've done the added work of studying, of learning, of being curious, it's so important to transform our jealousy into admiration and attraction.

28:12Another technique for when you want something that others have is you've got to see jealousy as a sign. right? You got to see jealousy as a sign. If you study that person, if you figure out it's something that you really want, you can focus on building that. If you're fixated on what everyone else is doing, you'll never have time to invest on yourself. When you sit down right now and write down a list of items, if you've clarified that, yes, this isn't something influenced by my parents, yes, it's something I want, yes, I've studied their lives. Okay, what are my action items? How am I going to do that?

28:46What do I need to do in order to get there? Who do I need to call? Who do I need to know? What do I need to learn? And those action items stop you from having your emotional jealousy of that person and shift you into giving your focus to actually building that for yourself. You can either sit here and watch how everyone else is decorating their homes online or you can start decorating yours right now, right? You can either sit on social media and look at how everyone else is planning their holiday party, or you can plan your holiday party, right? Whatever it may be for you, we can either sit here and fixate on everyone else or we can invest in ourselves.