5 Mindsets Necessary To Build Self Confidence And 4 Ways To Know You're Enough

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2:04Hey everyone, I'm so excited because we're going to be adding a really special offering onto the back of my solo episodes on Fridays. The Daily J is a daily series on Calm and it's meant to inspire you while outlining tools and techniques to live a more mindful, stress-free life. We dive into a range of topics and the best part is each episode is only 7 minutes long so you can incorporate it into your schedule no matter how busy you are. As a dedicated part of the On Purpose community, I wanted to do something special for you this year so I'll be playing a hand-picked Daily J during each of my Friday podcasts.

2:43This week I'm sharing an inspiring story that motivates me and hopefully can motivate you too. Of course, if you want to listen to The Daily J every day, you can go subscribe to Calm. So go to calm.com forward slash J for 40 % off your membership today.

3:04Hey everyone, welcome back. It is so good to be here with you. Thank you so much for choosing On Purpose, for being in your ears right now, whether you're walking your dog, whether you're cooking, whether you're hanging out with a friend, listening together, whatever you're up to or you're driving to and from work, I just want you to know, thank you. I appreciate you. I'm glad you're here. And it's been an incredible year so far. We've had some phenomenal guests on the show. Everyone from Rick Rubin to Tom Holland to who else have we had? I mean, Dr. Joe Dispenza, Kim Kardashian, Ryan Holiday, Cynthia Erivo.

3:43That episode was really, really special. It has been a phenomenal, phenomenal journey to share with all of you, and I hope you're enjoying the content every week. We've got so many more experts, cultural change makers, and celebrities to come on the show. As always, I feel like we drive the conversation in the direction of improving ourselves, becoming happier, healthier, and more healed. Today's topic is one that I've been thinking about a lot, but I don't think I've ever really spoken about fully. and it's about this idea of low self-worth, low self-esteem and feeling like you're not enough.

4:23Now if you came to my live show you heard me tell this moment at the beginning of the show. So if you go on to Google and you type in the words will I ever, the first thing that comes up for most of us is will I ever find love? Okay, stop doing it right now. I need your attention back. The second thing that comes up is will I ever be enough? And the third thing that comes up is will I am net worth? That literally comes up if you keep searching. And it's really interesting. I want to go back to that second one. Will I ever be enough? It is such a big question. You might be sitting there right now or walking there right now thinking, I'm not smart enough I'm not good enough, I'm not fast enough, I'm not hardworking enough Fill in the blank, what is that for you that you feel I am not X enough?

5:21Because we all have something or maybe you have a couple of things And we also think I'm not smart enough for, it happens in our relationships too I'm not good enough for that person I'm not good enough for that relationship And then it transfers into our careers I'm not good enough for that job I'm not good enough for that opportunity I can't put in an application I don't have enough skills This repetitive thought plagues our mind It's like an infection And it's contagious too We get it off other people and we pass it on And maybe it's because someone told you at school that you weren't good enough or smart enough.

6:04Maybe you had a parent who always made you feel like you weren't enough. Wherever it came from, it's our opportunity to address it and understand it because it's not serving us anymore. I'm guessing you're here because you feel stuck. I'm guessing you're here because you feel like you've lost a bit of momentum. I'm guessing you're here because you doubt yourself and you know that that doubt blocks you from taking the steps you want to take or receiving love from someone else. Maybe there's someone in your life who's been trying to treat you right, but you don't know what that feels like, so you'd rather they treat you wrong.

6:41Think about that for a second. You've got someone in your life who wants to treat you right, but you don't know what that feels like, so you'd rather they treat you wrong, even if it feels awful. It's interesting what we begin to achieve and receive, Both what we try to achieve and what we allow ourselves to receive Become reduced because of low self-worth Because of not feeling enough, you end up achieving less and receiving less It's not just about you don't make as much success in your career And you don't go out there and win You actually let less in to yourself the idea that we actually block so much goodness in our life so much goodness and greatness because we don't feel like we're enough and you might be thinking well Jay easy for you to say you feel like you have it all figured out and I want to share with you I want to take you back 10 years 10 years ago I'd just left the monastery around 10 and a half years ago and I was moved back in with my parents living in their loft, the place I grew up as a teenager.

8:01I was 25 years old and I was$25 ,000 in debt and I was struggling to figure out my next steps. Back to the bedroom I grew up in as a teenager and what I try and do after I managed to finally get up and get out because for the first month I was just so depressed and stuck and all I was doing was listening to Drake, watching How I Met Your Mother and eating chocolate, three things I definitely didn't do as a monk. After I got out of that slump, I used to go to the library and sit there for hours sending job applications, hoping I'd be able to move out of my parents' home. And I was rejected by 40 companies.

8:44I felt like I wasn't enough. Surprise, surprise, no one wanted a former monk, right? They were like, what are your transferable skills? Sitting still and being silent? We don't need that. And I felt like I wasn't enough when I sat in a job interview. And someone said to me, hey, so tell me what you've been up to. Tell me about your recent work experience. And I was like, oh my gosh, I don't have any. And I'd feel inadequate because that wasn't good enough for them. And then when I talked to my friends, all of my friends were now dating. They were in good relationships. Some of them were moving into new apartments.

9:17some of them were getting promoted some of them looked like they were winning at life at least externally and again I felt like I wasn't enough and I felt like I was behind I felt like I was left behind and the worst thing was I felt like it was all my fault because people had said to me that if I became a monk when I eventually failed, which they predicted, that I'd have committed career suicide. I would have let my parents down. I would be behind everyone. And now it felt like they were right. So I really felt like I wasn't enough. Moved back into my parents' loft, rejected from 40 companies, don't know where I'm going.

10:03And then sometime after I started dating Radhi, who was my girlfriend at the time, is my wife today. And I remember meeting her family for the first time. They invited me over and they're wonderful people. I have such a great relationship with them. But it's really interesting how when you meet someone's parents for the first time, and actually you'll find this in all areas of your life, when you don't feel secure, when you don't feel like you're enough, you project that insecurity onto other people. so when we were at dinner I was just hoping that I'd be able to dodge the one dreaded question I hoped they didn't ask and I was doing okay I was like okay I made it through dinner I'm fine this is going to be all right and then I remember sitting down with Riley's dad and he's the sweetest man and he didn't mean this in an intimidating way at all but that's how I took it because of my own insecurity and he said to me so what are you going to do for work and that question was like a dagger to the heart.

11:05I can't express to you just how unconfident and insecure I felt in that moment. And I didn't really have an answer. I felt like I wasn't enough. And I felt like I was lost. I was stuck. I was late. I was slow. I felt like I'd missed my opportunity. And what makes it worse is our comparison mindset. When you say things like I'm behind, it means you think someone else is ahead. When you say things like I'm late, it means you think people are early. If you say things like, I think I missed my opportunities, it's because you think other people took them. And so what we're really scared of is how we look in comparison to other people.

11:51What we're really struggling with is how we feel we're perceived based on other people's supposed success. And all of that makes us feel like we're less, less, and less. Now, I want to give you an insight into what I learned that evening. I remember when I got home, I was sitting and reflecting about why I felt like I wasn't enough. I'd always chosen to follow my heart based on what I studied at college, to becoming a monk. I had lived a fulfilling life before, so why was it now that I was putting all this pressure on myself? And I realized it came down to one thing. I didn't feel like I wasn't enough based on the choices I'd made.

12:39It's about how I'd felt about the choices I'd made. Let me explain what I mean by that. And before I do that, I want to ask you, how many of you have one of those emotions right now that I was feeling? How many of you feel like you're not enough, that you're behind, that you're stuck, that you're lost, that you're confused, that everyone's got it figured out but you? Well, if you are feeling that way, I want you to know you're in the right place. The reflection that I came up with or realization that came to my mind that night was that I was seeing everything I'd done in life until that point as useless.

13:15Everything that I'd done up until the age of 25, I was seeing as a waste of time and meaningless. And now there was a tiny belief in me that I had to find something meaningful. I had to find something powerful. I had to find something positive. Basically everything up until now was negative I now had to discover what was positive And that was so wrong That mindset was so inaccurate How many of you have ever looked to your past and thought That was all a waste of time Now I'm going to find something meaningful That is such a destruction of your history It is such denial of the strength that you've accomplished The pain you've been through It all has meaning Anything that helps you help someone else can't be worthless.

14:05It has value and meaning. The problem was how I saw my life and the challenge is how you see yours. Know that your experiences are what make you special. You don't need a better story or journey. All of what you've been through is what made you who you are today. Your pain is enough. Your story is enough. Your challenges are enough. Your mistakes are enough. your choices are enough, all of that is enough. It's not that you need a different past to create a different future. Your past as it is, if accepted and embraced and seen as useful as collecting experiences, collecting skills, collecting people, everything that you've experienced, if you collect all of that and see it as worthy, what you can create is phenomenal.

14:58You are enough. Your experiences are enough. And there's an incredible quote from Wayne Dyer where he said, when we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change. And that's what I realized. I had to change the way I looked at my past. I couldn't see my three years as a monk as a waste of time. They weren't. They definitely weren't. But it's crazy how a mindset can convince you that they were. You might think, wow, I don't use my college degree. What a waste of time. I promise you there's a connection, there's a relationship, there's a person, there's an assignment that you did at college that has actually made a difference in your life today.

15:38Now, I'm not backing up college. I'm backing up the idea that every experience has had some positive impact in your life. I often think about it that, why did I go to college? And then I remember some of the case studies I studied that inform my work now. I remember some of the relationships that taught me so much about friendship and connection. I remember some of my good choices and my bad choices, and I wouldn't have learned them any other way. It's so important to take stock of your life and actually accept that there is meaning and value there. Now, when you look at the studies, they talk about four types of self-worth or four types of self-esteem.

16:22And I've taken some of these from research and thought about them myself, and I wanted to give you a bit of insight. So one of the first ones is security and safety. A lot of us didn't grow up feeling safe or secure with our families, our parents. And so we are constantly feeling unsafe or insecure around other people. But feeling a sense of security and safety is such an important part of our self-worth. And the challenge is that if someone doesn't create that environment for us growing up, we have to focus on creating that environment for ourselves later on in life and often instead of creating it we're hoping to fall into someone else's so often what ends up happening is that instead of building it we depend on someone else being that safety net because we didn't have it earlier this feeling of not being enough is what can make us codependent in relationships it's also what can make us push partners away or allow toxic partners into our lives because if you don't feel a sense of security and safety you accept any type of behavior towards you as safety and security because it gets you one step ahead of loneliness and one step ahead of being alone and so that's where that particular one affects you in life is that if you don't feel that security and safety, chances are your romantic relationships and the relationships that are close around you are going to struggle and suffer.

17:55So we want to focus on that one specifically for that reason. I've talked a lot about how our phones pull us into habits that don't always serve us. The reflex to check, scroll and react without thinking. That pull takes us away from ourselves, our relationships and the world right in front of us. We want to be more intentional, more present, more connected. That's when Noble Mobile stands out. They're a carrier built to support healthier tech habits. You can keep your phone, keep your number, and still get unlimited data on the T-Mobile 5G network whenever you need it. Here's the difference. Use under 20 gigabytes in a month and Noble gives you cash back.

18:32Take it as cash, put it toward your bill, or let them invest it at 5.5 % annually. It's not just about savings, it's about creating a real incentive to step out of doom scrolling and back into life. Switch now to get my$100 bonus at noblemobile.com forward slash J. Stop doom scrolling and start getting rewarded for presence with Noble Mobile. We all want to live with more purpose, more connection, and more joy. Sometimes that starts with a small piece of wisdom, a perspective shift, a grounding practice, or a story that makes you feel less alone. On TikTok, those moments are being shared every single day.

19:15Millions are finding people who show meditation techniques, discuss the science of the mind, or share daily habits that many find helpful. Others are opening up about their own journeys, talking about well-being, resilience, and healing in ways that can make you feel seen. And what stands out is the way it's shared. Ideas spread quickly and support can grow from a single post. and it all happens in a welcoming and supportive space. TikTok stimulates your mind in more ways than one. It's a place for learning, for mindfulness, for tools that support healthier habits and reflections. If you're searching for growth and connection that resonates with your own unique journey, you'll find it on TikTok.

20:01Hey, let me ask you, how's your holiday shopping going? I know it can be hard to find the perfect gift for someone. When you know someone really well, it's a lot easier, but when you don't, it's definitely harder. I've got a tip to help you out there. Get to know them better. The best way to do that is on Facebook. You can learn more about them. You can discover their hobbies and interests through Facebook. Maybe they love dogs. Maybe they love crochet. Everyone's different, but you'll never know how unless you get to know them. Not only can you use Facebook to get to know someone better, you can use Facebook Marketplace to find the perfect gift once you do.

20:36and by perfect gift, I mean a thoughtful gift, one that shows you know the person even when you maybe didn't know them that well before. That's how you connect with people. That's how Facebook helps you connect with people and a little connection goes a long way. Let's reconnect this holiday season with Facebook. The second type of self-worth that studies talk about is identity and this I talk about through the lens of values. When you know your values, it's easier for you to make decisions about who you want around you and who you don't It's easier for you to make decisions about what's aligned with your identity and what isn't What places you go to, what projects you take on, what people you hang out with All of that can be inferred by your values This part becomes like a compass to you and so I'm giving you all of these because I want you to diagnose or check with yourself which is the one you're struggling with now you may be struggling with a few of these but I want you to figure out which is the first one you want to dive into for yourself because you can't do them all at the same time and so how many of you are struggling with your values if I asked you what are your top three values would you know if I asked you what are your top three values in a friend would you know if I asked you what are your top three values in the person you want to become do you know?

21:59And if you're unaware, I'm not asking that in a challenging way or in a stressful way, it's just to make you aware that that's where you want to start putting your energy and emphasis. Now the next one studies talk about is the self-confidence we experience through competence, a skill, an ability that we have. And this one, of course, massively affects our careers. Most of us end up in jobs that we're not that great at because we were never told to focus on our skills, where we're told to focus on the skills that jobs needed. And so there's a mismatch there. And so some of us actually feel low self-esteem or we feel like we're not enough because of our work, because we feel we don't have skills at work.

22:38Notice how it's such a subtle and specific thing, whereas you might have skills in something else, but you don't value yourself for that because that's not what's being measured at work. So your self-worth currently, your self-confidence could be based on safety and security, could be based on your lack of identity and values. It could be based on an unawareness of your true competence and skills or being in a job or career that doesn't rely on the ones you love. And if we're neglectful of that, that can create more challenges in our career because if you keep doing something you're not good at or can't get better at, and that's a second important point that you can get better at things you're not good at, but if you don't do that act, your self-esteem and your self-worth could always be low.

23:23And that's what I want you to see with these four areas that in order for us to have 360 self-esteem and self-confidence or total self-worth, it requires us to focus on these four areas. And without focusing on these four areas, it can be very, very challenging to build it. So some of you may be like, but I'm doing the affirmations in the mirror, but I'm, you know, working hard on my daily habits. I'm meditating every day. I'm working out every day. Why am I not solving my self-worth, it's because of these. It's because of this. And I want you to come back to this. The fourth one that research shows is belonging or a sense of community.

24:01Do I feel like there is a place that I feel understood, right? There's a difference between being understood and just being comfortable. You might be comfortable about a bunch of people, but that's different from a sense of belonging. The uniqueness in feeling like a sense of belonging is that when you talk, you feel almost like you don't have to add disclaimers and you don't have to over-explain yourself. Now, I'm not saying someone can read your mind. That's unhealthy and not realistic. What I mean is that you don't feel like you have to do the same kind of over-explaining that you might have to do with someone else or the kind of deep dive into an area because you have a shorthand with these people.

24:43Do you feel a sense of belonging? Do you feel a part of something bigger. A lot of us need to feel like a part of something bigger in our lives. It's why we follow football clubs. It's why we take on religion or spiritual areas in our life. It's why we want to be part of a book club or whatever it may be. We all want to be a part of something because it gives us a sense of self-confidence. And so I want you to reflect on your life and go, which one of these do you need to work on? And maybe it's all of them and that's okay. And if I could suggest an order, I'd say that your identity and your values is a great place to start because that will help you choose the right community it will help you build safety and security and it will help you build competence and skills but all of these can happen in any order and it doesn't really matter it just matters that you're aware of these areas now I was talking to a friend and I want to talk about symptoms of how we feel like we're not enough and he told me he was scared to start and I asked him something that I've been asked before.

25:44I said, are you scared of not starting or are you scared of starting at zero? Right? I said, you're not scared of starting. You're scared of starting at zero. That hits, right? We can relate to that. We don't want to start at zero followers, zero subscribers, zero downloads, zero emails, zero phone numbers, zero contacts, whatever it may be. Even the number zero, we have like a fearful feeling of. And the interesting thing is everyone starts at zero and that's okay. I actually don't even have a picture of my first presentation because zero people showed up. So who would I have asked to take the picture?

26:29I remember being in a tiny, tiny little college classroom and practicing to an empty room. Now recently on Instagram, I was sharing these, how it started, how it's going. And I love the feedback and all the comments that I got for that. And just the amazing response, because you got to see me speaking to groups of 10 people, 12 people. I had to dig out the archives and pull out these pictures. And I want to tell you a story. One of those pictures that I posted, I literally drove for three hours to speak to a group of 10 people, because one of my friends said that they'd be interested in spirituality.

27:06I didn't get paid. There was no followers involved. There was no money. There was no reward apart from the exchange in the room. And guess what? I'd drive those three hours all over again. I'm sure you have something you'd drive three hours for. I'm sure you'd have something you'd drive six hours for. What is it that you already do? Now, when I was doing that, I never thought to myself, oh, I hope this gets bigger one day. Oh my gosh, why did no more people show up. I was just happy making an impact. And one of the reasons why we don't feel like we're enough, if you're starting a side hustle, you started a podcast, you started a social media page, you are starting a book club, whatever it is that you're doing that you're passionate about.

27:44One of the reasons, or you started working out and you want to lose or gain weight and you've lost zero or gained zero weight, right? One of the reasons we struggle so much is we live in a world today where numbers are astronomical and they're so in front of us. But if you actually focus on helping one person, adding one calorie, building one skill, like that one is so powerful and it leads to two. It leads to three. It leads to four. So I want you to ask yourself this question. What is the first thing I can do? And what is the smallest thing I can do? If you have low self confidence or low self-esteem right now, I want you to ask yourself, what's the first thing I can do?

28:27And what's the smallest thing I can do? Because the challenge is usually what our mind's saying is, I don't just need to do one thing. I need to do lots of things and small things won't help me. I need to do something big to make a change in my life, right? That's the issue. We've conditioned ourselves to believe that we can only make change if we do a million things and if we do something big? And so I want you to ask yourself those questions, scribble them down right now, because guess what? You don't need a million followers to make an impact. You don't need a podcast to make an impact. You just need to be fueled by your passion and you need to be developing real skills that will help you.

29:05And I remember at that time, I didn't think it would be big. I didn't put pressure on myself for it to be big. And one more important thing, I didn't know the path before I started. I figured it out as I went along. 10 years ago, I wasn't saying, oh, I'm gonna do this talk and then five people are gonna turn into 100 and then one day I'm gonna launch a book and a podcast. Like, I didn't even think about all that stuff. All I thought was how do I help these five to 10 people who care enough to listen to me? And I figured it out as I went along. So some of us are thinking, I need to figure out step seven in order to start step one.

29:39And then we don't start step one. And then we're thinking, I need to know step seven, eight, nine, 10. right? We get so lost in taking the next step because we think we have to figure out the complete step. And that's how we continue to reduce our self-confidence because we're thinking, I need to think big. I need to know every step before I start. And I need to know not just the first step. Whereas actually it's the complete opposite. What's the first thing I can do? What's the smallest thing I can do, right? So I want to shift your mindset to that To help you make that shift So, so far we've covered how we view our pain Makes all the difference We've talked about how everyone starts from zero And I want you to remember this Your first time will never be your best time And it doesn't have to be your last time, right?