5 Types Of Guilt You Are Going Through And 7 Steps To Stop Letting It Drain Your Energy

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3:20Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the place that you come to become happier, healthier and more healed. And I am so, so grateful to you for all your incredible reviews on Spotify and on Apple. It's incredible to read through them. Please, please, please make sure you leave a review. It makes the world of a difference. And I wanted to point out some of the incredible expert conversations that we've had this year in case you missed them. We had Dr. Peter Attia, who's a phenomenal expert in longevity, scientific ways to slow down aging. I highly recommend you listen to that. We also had Dr.

3:58Zach Bush on science-based approaches to healing your gut health if that's something that you're struggling with. I also talked to one of your favorites, Dr. Joe Dispenza in May on the 29th about why stress and overthinking negatively impacts your brain. These are just a few of the experts that we've had so far in the last couple of months. I highly recommend you go back and take a listen. Now, today's episode is about a topic that I deeply value because I know how challenging it is when you're experiencing it in your life, in your mind. I've personally struggled with it for so many different reasons.

4:38I know so many people in my life who've struggled with it for so many different reasons. And I believed it was important to address with you today because I know so many of you may be going through it in your own way. Now, of course, I'm talking about shame and guilt. And we all feel shame and guilt for different things in our life. Today, I'm going to be talking to you about the different types of experience that we have and what are the practical steps we can take to feel better. But first of all, what I want to do is I want to talk about the difference between shame and guilt. Now, Brené Brown has done some phenomenal work in this space.

5:16If you've not read her book, Daring Greatly, I highly recommend it to understand more about this topic. In the words of Brené Brown, shame is I am bad, guilt is I did something bad. She goes on to say,

6:01makes us the problem? Not that we have a problem, but we are the problem. Not that we made a mistake, but we are the mistake. How many of us walk around life thinking that not that we did something wrong, but that we are wrong? And it's so subtle that you might just miss it, but the inner critic's voice will give you a clue. If you listen closely to the inner critic, you'll be able to very clearly understand whether you say things like, I made a mistake or I am a mistake. Now, I want to go on to share the incredible worlds of Paul Ekman. He also said that the distinction between shame and guilt is very important since these two emotions may tear a person in opposite directions.

6:49He says, Paul Ekman, the wish to relieve guilt may motivate a confession, but the wish to avoid the humiliation of shame may prevent it. How many of you have ever been caught in that mess where you want to tell someone how you feel or you want to tell someone that you know that they're going through something or whatever it may be, but at the same time, you're scared of what that comes with. We get caught in the middle. And I know so many of us experience this in so many different ways. Before we dive into the different types of guilt and how to overcome them, I want to talk to you about the different types of guilt that we experience using research from biomedcentral.com.

7:34So they ranked the percentage of all things people felt guilty about. Number one was telling lies or withholding truth and information. That's the number one thing we feel guilty about. And this comes from the category of feelings of guilt related to misconduct and mistakes being made. Now, the second thing that people felt guilty about, or the most frequently stated reasons for feeling guilty, was not spending enough time with family members, not taking enough care of family members, and not being there for family members. I think we can all identify with that type of guilt and we will be coming on to this moving forward in this podcast.

8:25The reason I'm sharing these with you is always to help you recognize that you're not alone, to help you recognize that we all have these emotions and experiences, that there is no one, including me, who has perfected this, figured it out, mastered it, and gets everything right. I think it's often our desire for perfection that creates so much of the guilt and shame we experience. Our desire for getting everything to line up, be perfectly balanced, be fully aligned, centered, grounded. It doesn't exist. The third thing that we most frequently state that we feel is a reason for being guilty is misbehavior towards someone or thinking bad about someone.

9:10And this comes from feelings of guilt related to other people. But this could be anyone from the person you bumped into on the street all the way through to the person you cut off in the traffic and later on you're thinking, oh, I wish I didn't do that. They didn't deserve that. It's really interesting, right? It could be anything. Misbehavior towards or bad thinking of someone. Maybe you said something gossipy about a friend. Maybe you said something that you wish you could take back. Maybe you shared someone's private information with someone else. Right? These are all things we feel guilty for.

9:42Rank number four was subjectively perceived responsibility for life situations, events, and circumstances, and death circumstances of others not being able to help and support, right? So this is really interesting because often something bad happens to someone and we blame it on ourselves. We think it must be my fault. Some of our friends from London were visiting LA last year and one of my friends recommended that they park in a specific parking garage, which was safe and recommended. And unfortunately, all of their stuff got stolen from their car from that parking garage. And that friend of mine feels guilty for that reason constantly because he takes responsibility for that event happening to those individuals.

10:34Now, of course, this can become far more extreme when it relates to people passing away, not being there with them, not being in there. You know, a lot of people have this guilt if they've lost a family member that I should have been on the plane with them. I wish I was in the car with them. It wouldn't have happened if I didn't ask them to do this. We all have that guilt. So again, a very valid and genuine form of guilt. Number five, neglecting someone. Not taking enough care of someone, not being there for someone. Another one, not achieving something, sense of failure. The next one, negative self-attributes or flaws.

11:15We feel guilty about them because we take responsibility for them. And then there's divorce and breakup, cheating, having affairs, problems, issues in relationships and marriages, not spending enough time with children, procrastination and waste of time being unproductive. How many of you have that where you haven't been productive, you haven't been effective, and then you feel guilty about it? You think, oh my gosh, I could have done all of that by now. Could have launched that podcast. I could have written that book. I should have done that. I should have done this. And then it never happens.

11:46That's what's really interesting about guilt is that guilt blocks growth. Guilt can be used as a launch pad. It can be used as a great incentive for change, which I'll come on to in a moment. But at the same time, guilt blocks growth if we just grow guilt, right? If we keep just growing a sense of guilt, it will block our growth because we get so negative about who we are, what we do, how we behave, and we feel we have missed so much time. We feel we have missed so many opportunities that we now feel that we can't turn it around. It's almost like negative math working against us. It's like we're like 10-0, right?

12:31We're losing 10-0 in the world of guilt. And now we're like, well, even if I do one thing, it will still be 10-1. I'm so far away. That's what it feels like. You're like 10 goals down. Then it continues with unfavorable health or self-indulgence. We guilt ourselves over what we eat and if we do or don't work out. And it's really interesting, right? Those are the top categories of guilt that we as humans experience. And I think all of us could agree that we've all experienced them at one point or another. So now that we understand the difference between guilt and shame, I want to focus in on the different types of guilt that we experience in our lives and what we can do about it.

13:12Remember, guilt is I'm sorry I made a mistake. Shame is I'm sorry I am a mistake. And I want to shift us away from believing that we are a mistake or that we ourselves as an entity are wrong, are lost. We say things like, I am a failure. No, I have experienced failure. And that's what I want you to do with the inner critic in your mind. I want you to start making that switch where instead of every time you catch yourself saying, I am a failure, I am a mistake, start replacing it with, I have experienced failure. I failed at this. This particular event failed. I think it's important to start disconnecting your identity from an emotion and a statement, right?

14:02The mistake we make is when we mesh together our identity with a word. We start to identify with that word and that becomes a belief. Once that becomes a belief, it becomes a repetitive habit in our lives. And then it feels like normal. It's almost like when someone says something in your head, you think, well, I'm a loser anyway. So what's the point, right? So I want you to start creating that distance. Now, how do you start creating that distance, you ask? The first way is to watch your inner dialogue and make that difference. The second is to recognize and go back to when you have felt guilty Reflect and write down the top three times or even one time That you have experienced guilt and shame And when it really started leaning into shame And now in hindsight I want you to look back and recognize is it true that you have also been not responsible in certain challenges?

15:05Is it true that you've also won as well as lost and failed in different things? Is it true that there is more diversity in your experience than there is consistency? Is it true that if you think you are a mistake, that you've also got certain things right and done things well and made people feel good? noticing this discrepancy is what helps you accept that, yes, I have made mistakes, but I am not a mistake. And even repeating that, recognizing and accepting, remember, we're not shunning our mistakes. We're not trying to push them away. We're not trying to pretend that they didn't happen. We're not trying to be in denial.

15:47We're accepting they happened. We're accepting we made them, but we won't accept that we are them. We're not going to accept that we're defined by them because our life shows us that we have a bit of both. We've all won and failed. We've all been stuck and focused. We've all made mistakes and got things right. Please recognize that. Now, the first type of guilt that we experience that I want to talk about today is guilt over a past mistake. How many of you replay your past mistakes in your mind? Maybe it was in a relationship and you think to yourself, well, if I didn't do that, they'd still be here.

16:35If I did do that, they'd still be here. I ruined that. I messed that up. I had such a good thing going, but maybe if I just didn't open my mouth, maybe if I didn't set those boundaries, Maybe if I didn't push so hard. We all experience guilt over past mistakes. And sometimes these guilts get so deep-rooted that they start to impact all of our lives afterwards. They start to impact everything. What ends up happening is that when you feel guilt over a past mistake, you now reflect and project that guilt onto new people at work, new people in your relationships, friends, anyone that comes across your way.

17:19And so it's so important to address this. It's so important to accept it. It's so important to focus in on it. If there's a guilt over a past mistake, if you can, if the person is alive and accessible, when you prepare or when you feel prepared, the best thing you can do is actually reach out and try and solve it, right? If you have done something that you don't feel proud about, if you feel you've done something that you don't feel represents who you are, and there's a past mistake that is haunting you or lurking there behind you, it's important that you can reach out and set the record straight.

17:59And that's a really beautiful thing to be able to do. So now let's say that you are going to reach out. I think it's really important that you prepare before you do. Often we have this knee jerk reaction to just pick up the phone and say, I'm sorry, you know, and we're not thinking about how it may affect the other person. We're not thinking about what it may mean for us. And often if the person is not accessible or you may actually in your preparation realize, I don't think talking to them directly is going to do any good. It's important to check in with yourself and share that apology. You may share that apology energetically.

18:36You may share that apology as a healing practice if you don't feel that person is accessible or you may not be connected to them anymore. You're juggling a lot, full-time job, side hustle, maybe a family, and now you're thinking about grad school? That's not crazy, that's ambitious. At American Public University, they respect the hustle and they're built for it. Their flexible online master's programs are made for real life because big dreams deserve a real path. Learn more about APU's 40 plus career relevant master's degrees and certificates at apu.apus.edu. APU, built for the hustle. I've talked a lot about how our phones pull us into habits that don't always serve us.

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20:10Switch now to get my$100 bonus at noblemobile.com forward slash J. Stop doom scrolling and start getting rewarded for presents with Noble Mobile. We all want to live with more purpose, more connection, and more joy. Sometimes that starts with a small piece of wisdom, a perspective shift, a grounding practice, or a story that makes you feel less alone. On TikTok, those moments are being shared every single day. Millions are finding people who show meditation techniques, discuss the science of the mind, or share daily habits that many find helpful. Others are opening up about their own journeys, talking about well-being, resilience, and healing in ways that can make you feel seen.

20:57And what stands out is the way it's shared. Ideas spread quickly and support can grow from a single post. And it all happens in a welcoming and supportive space. TikTok stimulates your mind in more ways than one. It's a place for learning, for mindfulness, for tools that support healthier habits and reflections. If you're searching for growth and connection that resonates with your own unique journey, you'll find it on TikTok. And I remember when I was on my tour, I met so many people who would say to me they haven't spoken to someone they love for years. Now, if you remember, if you did come to my tour, and if you didn't, I hope you'll come to our next event.

21:37But at my tour, I encouraged people to call people that they hadn't spoken to for whatever challenge they'd been going through personally. It could have been a couple of years. It could have been 10 years. And everyone who made that call, it wasn't a fairytale ending because that wasn't the goal. The goal was that that person had the courage to sit in the discomfort, to share how they truly felt because it was healing to them and they felt the other person needed to hear it too. We had people calling up ex-partners saying, I'm sorry for how I dealt with the divorce. I'm not asking for you back, but I want you to know I love and appreciate you.

22:15We had people reaching out and saying, you're my brother. I love you. I'm so sorry that we fell out two years ago. We had people saying, I'm sorry that this event got in the way of our friendship. And whether the person on the other side was amicable or reciprocal, what I found is that the person who shared it felt the most healed and the person who received it found some solace in it. The second thing that you can do with guilt over a past mistake is change your behavior in the future. This is the best remedy for yourself and others. The only way you make yourself feel better about the past Is by doing better in the future Let me say that again The only way you make yourself feel better about the past Is by doing better in the future You can't make yourself feel good about the past If you continue to behave badly in the future It doesn't work that way We can't change the past We can't solve the past We can't edit the past But when we edit the present we create the future that we really want, right?

23:20We can't edit the past. And we live in the past just kind of doing mental exercises, trying to figure it out, but it doesn't work that way. And I want you to recognize with all of this guilt and shame that if you experience a sense of guilt, it just shows that you're reflective. I always feel that way. I experience guilt and I've started to recognize that it just shows that I care. It just shows that I'm reflective. It shows that I'm allowing myself to question myself. I'm allowing myself to not think that everything I do is right and perfect and wonderful. And I think that that's a great quality.

23:58It's shame that we want to shift away from. And guilt, if it's not taken care of, will very easily grow into shame. And so while shame is unhealthy, guilt is something we have to deal with. It's showing us what we need to heal, but it's also showing us that we're reflective, introspective beings. So I don't want you to guilt yourself for feeling guilt. I want you to feel heard and seen and understood. I don't want you to guilt yourself for feeling that way. The second type of guilt is guilt because of how someone made you feel. Now, this may be guilt where you didn't see any involvement. you didn't see or feel any responsibility, but someone came back at you and told you.

24:41Someone may have told you, hey, you said this to me and it made me feel this way. You did this and it made me feel this way. And now you're feeling guilty because of how they've expressed that to you. And in this opportunity, it's always important to acknowledge the person's feelings. It's always important to acknowledge that there is some truth in how that person feels, even if that wasn't your intent, even if that's not what you were trying to do. And I think often this guilt can lead to more guilt if we actually shun the other person away. If we act as if it doesn't matter, that's not what we were trying to do, we go into defensive mode, what ends up happening is we actually make them feel worse and we make ourselves feel worse in the long run.

25:25So acknowledging that there is some truth, there is some reality to that person's emotions and feelings is important. The second step is recognizing what is your part and what may have been misconstrued by them. I think it's so important to recognize that there are always, always two sides to that story, right? There are always. We look at everything from our subjective lens. Often I'll sit down and think, where do I have this viewpoint from? Why do I have this vantage point? And I'll recognize there's so many biases in why I even said that or got there, right? There's so many biases happening every single day of why I even said something, why I got to that point, why I made it in the way that I made it, everything else.

26:13When you start becoming aware of that, you can actually better explain it. The other day, Radhi called me up and she had a really urgent question for me. And I was really tired. I hadn't eaten all day. And I said to her, I said, Radhi, if I respond right now, I'm not going to give you my best answer. Do you mind if I just get something to eat first? And I'll tell you straight away. And that was me protecting myself from behaving in a way that I would later feel guilty about or from having her have to tell me that, hey, I didn't like the way you spoke to me. And then I would defend myself and be like, oh, but I was tired.

26:43You don't even understand. You didn't even ask how I was. When actually the truth is by being reflective, I can actually preempt that. Now, let's say your situation is a bit more serious than that. I think it's important that you own your part, but you don't own all of it. You recognize your involvement. You recognize your part, but you accept that there are other reasons as well. Now, if you're on the receiving end of that and you're like, well, I want that person to accept all responsibility. I think often that, even if it feels that way, and by the way, there are situations where it is just the other person's action and it is just the other person's behavior.

27:21Like you don't actually, you weren't old enough. You weren't thoughtful enough. You weren't wise enough. Like that is real. And in that situation, you're not taking responsibility for the experience or the event. You're saying taking responsibility for the future you want to build. I think this is a really subtle difference I want to point out that if you're not at fault, you never accept responsibility for the fault or the event or whatever happened. You accept responsibility for the future you want to build and create. That's one of the things that coaching focuses on is that coaching is not telling you to take responsibility for the mistakes that happened to you or the issues or the abuse you received or the trauma.

28:04That would be so unhealthy to tell someone to do that. That is not what we're saying to do here. What I'm saying is you're saying, I want to live a great life from now. And I went through this. I experienced this. This happened to me, but I'm going to take charge of where I want to go. another step here is to recognize what parts of it you're willing to take responsibility for as opposed to just feeling guilty because of how they're making you feel i also want to recommend in all of this process that therapy is such a powerful form i partnered with better help several times on the podcast we had some really phenomenal conversations with so many individuals who were dealing with different challenges and showed how therapy can be powerful for that i highly highly recommend that because it can be really really important to do that therapy is a great safe space to reflect on these things so that you don't lead to more negative behaviors towards yourself or unhealthy ideas towards yourself at the same time being able to grow now the other guilt that we experience is what i mentioned earlier the guilt for not making time for others right the guilt or the feeling of letting someone else down.