7+ Powerful Habits To Avoid Loneliness, Feel Connected And Build Authentic Community

0:00This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed Human Checking off the boxes on your to-do list is a great way to keep your mind clear That's why a State Farm agent is there to help you choose a coverage option that's right for you As you go through life getting that new house car, boat, motorcycle or even RV helping protect it is always a good idea Whether you prefer talking in person on the phone or on the award-winning app State Farm is there to help protect what's important to you. And with so many coverage options, it's nice having help to find what fits for you. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

0:44This episode of On Purpose is brought to you by Chase Sapphire Reserve. I believe that travel is one of the greatest gifts that we've ever been given. And Chase Sapphire Reserve has been my gateway to the world's most captivating destinations. When I use my Chase Sapphire Reserve card, I get eight times the points on all the purchases I make through Chase Travel, and even access to one-of-a-kind experiences, experiences like music festivals and sporting events. And that's not even mentioning how the card gets me into the Sapphire Lounge by the club at select airports nationwide. Travel is more rewarding with Chase Sapphire Reserve.

1:21Trust me. Discover more at chase.com forward slash sapphire reserve. Cards issued by JPMorgan Chase Bank, NA Member FDIC Subject to credit approval Terms apply The holidays are all about connecting with each other That's why we exchange gifts That's why we have holiday parties It's part of what makes this time of year so special You know what else is about connecting? Facebook It helps you stay connected with friends Maybe get to know them a little better and that can help you pick out a perfect gift through Facebook Marketplace. And a little connection goes a long way. Let's reconnect this holiday season with Facebook.

2:04Of course, there are benefits to solitude, but according to the National Institute on Aging, the health risks of prolonged isolation are equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Social isolation and loneliness have even been estimated to shorten a person's lifespan by as many as 15 years. All the studies show that the quality of our relationships makes a huge difference in our life.

2:38Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. I am so genuinely grateful that you chose to spend some time with me today, whether you're walking, whether you're driving, whether you're cooking, whatever you're up to, thank you for choosing On Purpose always. I love the connection we're developing and whenever I bump into any of you and you tell me you listen to On Purpose, all I want to do is give you a big hug and say thank you because it truly, truly means the world to me. I bumped into a few of you who even came to my shows recently at some restaurants when I was in LA and it just warms my heart to know that we're building this community without even knowing how deeply it's impacting all of us, including me.

3:21So your feedback, your love, your support, your reviews, your subscribing to the podcast means so, so much to me. Now, I want to talk today about something that I know a lot of us are struggling with in different ways. Let's just start with a quick poll. How many of you have ever felt lonely? I'm guessing there's quite a few of us. How many of you have ever felt disconnected from the people around you? I'm guessing there's quite a few of us as well. And how many of you felt that you don't feel authentically connected to your community? that you find yourself having potentially negative judgments or even if it isn't going down that way you may just feel a bit distant from the people around you.

4:16I want to take a moment to point out that it's so natural and normal to want to feel connected. It's so normal, so natural, so real to want to feel connected. but we don't often know what that means right we say things like i don't feel connected to you i don't feel connected to the people around me i don't feel supported but really what it means to be connected is that you feel seen you feel heard you feel understood and you feel valued Plus, you make other people feel seen You make other people feel heard You try your best to understand others And you intend to make people valued for real This isn't just a technique or a hack or an activity Wanting to be connected requires it to be sincere and genuine and real now i want to start off by just pointing out how normal it is to feel disconnected only 59 percent of americans say they have a best friend and 12 percent say they feel they have no close friends at all i'm taking this from the roots of loneliness.com written by dr christy hartman a phd in psychology who shared this incredible research that she found through the national library of Medicine, the Centers for Disease Control, YouGov, Health Resources and Services Administration, Sage Journals, Taylor & Francis Online, and others.

5:5852 % of Americans report feeling lonely, while 47 % report their relationship with others are not meaningful. So you can see those two things there. One is us feeling disconnected and removed, and the other one is saying, actually I'm around a lot of people, but I don't feel like it's meaningful. How many of you go to a lot of parties or a lot of events? You come across a lot of people, but you don't really get that depth of connection, right? We've got so lost in this breadth and scale of connecting that we've often lost the gift and depth of connecting. Single or not, 57 % of Americans report eating all meals alone.

6:42now we've gone from doing an activity that we used to do potentially even with your parents so just like 10-15 years ago or maybe just five years ago you were eating every meal surrounded by your family your siblings your parents and all of a sudden now you're eating all of your meals alone whether you're single or not that takes a while to get used to and as we look at the trends across the world of course we're living more separately now we travel across the world like me and my wife, when we moved to New York and then we moved to LA, we now have lived without family around us for seven years.

7:15If we lived in London, we would have been able to visit our family every weekend or even in the evenings. Whereas now we're seeing them after so much more time. So there's a lot of shifts also in the way we live and the way we conduct our lives that impacts how we feel. 52 % of Americans have felt left out at some point in their lives. Now, it's really interesting how i think if you thought about the first time you felt left out it might be on the field at school or it might be in the playground and it's interesting how when we get left out as an adult we're triggered back into that mindset of a kid and instead of using our rational logical brain to make sense of it now we often go back to using that child brain to adapt or react or respond to what we're experiencing and we're going to talk about that a little bit today 53 % of Americans cite shyness as the reason why it's difficult to make friends.

8:14How many of you feel shy? I can relate to this one. And I know you're thinking, Jay, you're not shy at all. Trust me, if I'm in a new environment where I don't know anyone, I can be one of the shyest people in the world. And at the same time, if I'm in an environment where I'm flourishing or thriving, I can be the most confident person in the room. But I realize that shyness blocks so many of us. We've never been taught how to approach someone. And what's really interesting is that shyness often gets seen as ego or coldness. And often social anxiety gets seen in the same way. And so we're looking at other people going, oh, they don't seem to care about me or find me interesting.

8:53They're thinking the same about us. 58 % of Americans reported that they sometimes or always feels like no one knows them well. Maybe you're someone who's traveled across country. Maybe you've traveled, you know, across the world and no one speaks your language where you live. No one really knows your heritage. No one really knows your background. It's so fascinating for people to recognize the reasons why it's natural for us to feel this way. Now, of course, there are benefits to solitude, but according to the National Institute on Aging, the health risks of prolonged isolation are equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

9:40Social isolation and loneliness have even been estimated to shorten a person's lifespan by as many as 15 years. All the studies show that the quality of our relationships makes a huge difference in our life. And this episode is all about the habits needed that we need to reconnect with to create connection. So this segment about connectivity is brought to you by AT &T. AT &T believes connecting changes everything. I recently went on tour for my second book, Eight Rules of Love, and brought so many people together from all over the world. Part of the show was inviting people from the crowd up on a stage to reconnect with a loved one they haven't spoken to in a long time.

10:25We had parents reconnect with their children, fathers reconnect with their sons, siblings reconnect with each other and so many more. Deep human connections are vital for mental and physical health because they fulfill an innate human need to belong. Connected relationships allow you to open up, be authentic and feel truly supported by those around you. If your relationships seem to be lacking depth, improving your capacity for connectedness can make you feel closer to friends or loved ones. Build your emotional support system. increase your social charisma, help you approach conversations in a more meaningful way, expand your social group, improve your professional success, increase professional productivity, improve your financial success, provide a feeling of belonging and safety, reduce your risk for mental health issues, and reduce your risk for mental health challenges.

11:18If you're feeling isolated from your loved ones, family, or friends, I encourage you to reach out to them today. It will inspire you to grow and ultimately improve your connection with them and others. Take advantage of having access to Wi-Fi, calling and texting. There are so many ways you can use a phone to stay connected even when you're traveling or living in a place that is far from your friends and loved ones. Here are four common methods you can use today, besides apps, for staying connected with others. Number one, video conferencing. When you're away from your significant other, friends or family, this is a great way to celebrate birthdays anniversaries and special moments by sharing a moment over video and seeing their face i know it's not the same but i love having the opportunity to facetime my family and friends who still live in the uk number two emailing sending an email is a great way to stay connected to old colleagues professors or even bosses it may not sound like the most intimate way but i found it can be a great surprise for a professor or teacher when you also use it as a way to explain the impact they had on you.

12:23Now texting. We all text. It's simple and easy. But if you use text to send a 30 second to 60 second message of gratitude to one person personally and one person professionally a day, it can change the game. And of course calling. I mean we don't do enough of it anymore. When someone calls you just for a moment, even if it's just to check in, hearing someone's voice can make you feel like you're at home and it can be so grounding. This has been brought to you by AT &T. AT &T believes connecting inspires, unites, heals, and helps us grow. Connecting changes how we live our lives for the better.

12:56So the first thing I'm going to ask you to do when we think about becoming connected, a habit that really makes a difference is checking in with yourself. Number one, check in with yourself is your social battery drained or is your social battery charged are you ready to spend time with people or is that going to tire you out right now and this is someone something you have to check in with with yourself i think a lot of us go through bouts of like overextending ourselves and then underextending ourselves and usually when we're underextending we feel lonely and when we're overextending we feel overworked right it's when social when your social life starts to feel like work or when your social life feels like it's non-existent we don't really live in this balanced state and the balanced state is not about how much time you spend with people it's about how you feel energetically for example you could just go out for one night a week and feel completely socially battery charged so you're really happy with that and you're okay with that or you could go out for one night and feel completely drained based on what you do and so i want you to check with yourself right now and go this weekend do you feel charged to spend time with people or do you feel drained and you need time alone and i want you to base it on how you feel not what's going on not how many events are happening not what you've been invited to or haven't been invited to because sometimes we get upset by things we're not invited to even if we didn't want to go right how many of you have ever felt that be honest with me how many of you have known you don't want to go out, but now you're offended that you're not invited.

14:35And that's why we need to check in with ourselves. We need to take a moment to ask ourselves, am I charged or am I drained? If I'm charged, who would I like to spend that energy with? It's almost like asking yourself, I just won the lottery. Who am I going to spend this money on? Right? That's how you have to think about it if you're charged. And if you're drained, you have to just be like, well, I just lost this time and lost this money and lost this energy. How am I going to get charged up again? Who's going to help me charge if I'm going to charge with other people or do I need to charge alone right that's how you want to think about checking in with yourself and this self-awareness is really where it starts because if you don't make yourself feel seen yourself feel heard yourself feel understood and valued you will constantly expect it from someone else and I think that's what we do we walk around wanting other people to make us feel seen, heard, and understood, and valued as a substitute for doing it for ourselves.

15:35So because we don't take a moment to check in with ourselves to see ourselves, or hear ourselves, or understand ourselves, or value ourselves, we're constantly trying to fill that gap, right? If you've just drank water yourself and someone offers you water, you'd say, no, no, no, I just did that myself. And you wouldn't overthink it. But if you hadn't got water and someone said to you, hey, do you want a bottle of water? You'd say, yeah, yeah, sure, I want that because I haven't had any. So you're looking for someone else. You'll ask them, hey, do you have some water? We do the same thing emotionally.

16:05We emotionally ask for other people to check in with us and quench our thirst as opposed to checking in with ourselves. So I want you to start there. Now, the second habit is expanding your emotional vocabulary. if you want to see, hear, understand and value yourself better and by the way, if you want to see, hear and understand and value other people better you need to expand your emotional vocabulary and I want to point this out connecting isn't just about do I feel connected? do I feel a part of the group? the question is also do you make other people feel part of the group? do you reach out to other people?

16:47I promise you for every party you feel you're not invited to there's someone you're not inviting out somewhere and you may say well I don't want to spend time with them and that's totally fine but I promise you that feeling connected is as much something you have to do proactively as you have to be involved in by someone else when you're making an effort to make other people feel included to make other people feel seen and heard and understood I promise you that's going to make you feel connected as well I think we think of feeling connected as being embraced but not embracing someone else And I promise you, it does feel incredible when you take an opportunity to actually extend, embrace, enhance someone else's experience.

17:32Now, as I was talking about emotional vocabulary, this goes back to the Harvard Business Review and a source from Susan David. And it's called A List of Emotions. And the Harvard Business Review talks about how we use some very basic emotions to define how we feel. So we may say I'm angry. We may say I'm sad. We may say I'm anxious. We may say I'm hurt. We may say I'm embarrassed. And we may say I'm happy. Those are pretty much as far as our emotional vocabulary goes. But this emotions list, and you can literally Google it, just type in a Harvard emotional list. I call it emotional vocabulary.

18:10You can break down what type of anger you're feeling. So the list that I'm reading off right now, instead of saying you're angry, are you actually grumpy? Are you frustrated? Are you annoyed? Are you defensive? Maybe you're impatient. Are you disgusted? Are you offended or irritated? Notice how there are all these different types of anger. And when we don't diagnose ourselves effectively, we don't feel understood by ourselves. and therefore when we communicate to other people, they don't fully understand us either. So we'll be like, oh, I'm upset. But it's like, what does that mean? How are you feeling right now?

18:51How can I help you? How can I help you feel better? And we do a bad job of communicating what we're actually experiencing. They also do this for the word hurt. Are you feeling jealous? Are you feeling betrayed? Are you feeling isolated or shocked, deprived, victimized, tormented or abandoned there are so many ways now i'm not saying you're going to go to your next conversation and be like i feel really tormented today right like that's not my point but i want you to expand your emotional vocabulary so that you can really see your emotions for what they are you can communicate your emotions for what they are and why does this help you become more connected because you're becoming more connected to what's actually going on rather than having a shallow surface level relationship with yourself you now have a deep relationship rather than expressing yourself in a limited way you're now allowing someone to understand the layers of what you're experiencing notice how the first two things are very much about you and connecting with yourself in order to do the others now the third one is probably one of my favorite ones and it's one that I've tried a lot recently and I love it it's called old new and new old now the way this works is when I meet an old friend I try and connect on something new a lot of us in our long-term relationships we live in nostalgia oh do you remember when we went on that trip oh my gosh do you remember the last day of school oh do you remember when you were dating so-and-so and we use nostalgia as a way to build connection nothing wrong with that absolutely nothing wrong with that but what's really important and special is making new memories with people that have been in your life for a long time so if someone's an old friend make a new memory with them stop making your relationship about nostalgia and the good old days and the past and think about how can I go and build a new memory with this person that we can talk about for the next few weeks, maybe the next couple of years.

21:01But let's build new memories or what's something new I can discover about an old friend. It may be a new skill. I remember being with a family member that I hadn't spent time with since I was like 16 years old. So it's like 20 years ago. And they kept saying to me, they said, Jay, you've changed so much, like you're so different. I'm like, of course I have, it's been 20 years. and it's really fascinating to me that they were more interested in the change as opposed to who I am today and the newness right and so I want you to think about who do you have who's an old friend and how can you make new memories with them how can you learn something new about who they are what they do what they love what they value what they believe in taking an interest in something new with someone old building a new memory with someone old in your life can be really truly spectacular.

21:52And then it's the other way around, new old. So now with the new old, it's like, who's a new person in your life that you can connect over something old? Maybe you grew up in the same area. I was just doing a Zoom keynote and the person who was talking to me was from near where I grew up in London as well and went to school and we started talking about it. It was a new relationship, but we found an old connection. It was a new person that I didn't know, but we found an old common point to bond over to start a new relationship, right? So old, new, new old, it's one of my favorite things. When I meet someone new, I think, hey, what do we have in common?

22:30What's in our past that may correlate or intersect? And when I have someone that has been in my life for a long time, I think, oh, well, what's a new memory we can make, right? What's something new that I can learn about them? It's a really subtle art, but it's really, really profound in how it can impact a conversation. Habit number four kind of links to number three, but we have to ask interesting questions. Otherwise everyone will appear uninteresting. I really believe this. If you ask even the most interesting person in the world, uninteresting conversations and questions, they will appear uninteresting and you will appear uninterested.

23:08And that's why we struggle because we've been taught to ask questions like, Like, so what do you do? How was your week? What did you do this week? What did you do today? We even do that with our partners. And by the way, every time you ask your partner, what did you do today? It kind of creates an almost false pressure in them of them having to have done something or achieve something. So this doesn't even apply to new connections. It applies to the friends you see every week and you go, what did you do this week? And that question is something they've been asked for so many years that they have either a rehearsed unconscious response or it puts pressure on them to have to think about what they did rather than a question that's more open and fascinating i always like my final five from the podcast of like what's the best advice you've ever received or what's the worst advice you've ever received i love asking someone like what's the best conversation you had this week or what's the most interesting thing that happened to you this week and it allows for them to reflect and think.

24:11Or were you bored at all this week? The opposite. And if you could learn anything, what would it be? Or what did you learn? Did you come across anything new this week? And it may take them a moment. Give them some time. Radhi, you know how much we value mindful living and personal growth? But finding the perfect gift that reflects that can be tough. That's why I really love Apple Gift Card. It's not just a present, it's an investment in their well-being. They can use it to subscribe to their favorite wellness apps from the App Store by inspiring eBooks from Apple Books or even upgrade their AirPods.

24:44It's the gift of choice, allowing them to curate their own path to happiness and fulfillment. Plus, it's super convenient. Send it instantly by email or pick one up while you're out. Give the gift of mindful living. Visit applegiftcard.apple.com to learn more and gift with purpose today. Spectrum Business keeps businesses of all sizes connected seamlessly with internet advanced Wi-Fi, phone, TV, and mobile services. Spectrum Business has tailored connectivity solutions and packages built for your business budget. No contracts, no added fees. Business owners can get free business internet advantage forever when you add four or more mobile lines.

25:27Visit spectrum.com forward slash free for life to learn how you can get business internet free forever. Restrictions apply. service is not available in all areas. Support for this podcast is brought to you by Walden University. If you're listening right now and feeling that pull to grow in your career or make a bigger impact, Walden is designed exactly for that. For over 50 years, they've helped working adults get the W with the knowledge, confidence and real skills to create meaningful change. What makes Walden stand out is how flexible it is. With Walden's Tempo Learning, you're in control. No set weekly deadlines, no rigid schedules, just a pace that actually fits your life.

26:11And everything you learn is practical. You're working through real-world scenarios that prepare you to make a positive difference in your community and beyond. You're also guided by faculty who've lived the work themselves, scholars and practitioners with real experience. This is the kind of opportunity that reminds you it's never too late to go after what you want. If you've been waiting for the right moment, this is it. Head to waldenu.edu and take that first step. Walden University, set a course for change. Certified to operate by CHEV. But this is especially valuable for the people who've been in your life consistently and people you see regularly.

26:53And we need to disrupt the pattern of the conversation. I think what happens is when you know someone well and they know you you fall into the patterns of the same questions the same conversations the same chores the same activities and the question being how do we create a method to actually shift the conversation so you actually catch the other person off guard you surprise them they hear something that they haven't heard before from you and all of a sudden they start diving into a new topic maybe they even get to reflect and you give them the gift of introspection because they've not even had the time to do that and now you've given them that opportunity.

27:33Number five, this habit, deep versus shallow time. This is a big, big one for me. Maybe counterintuitive to what you think of me, but I generally don't like spending time with people in large groups because it means I have to spend little time with everyone. It almost reminds me of my wedding reception where we had so many guests, Indian weddings are notoriously large and ours was on the smaller side, yet we still had like three, four hundred people at our reception. Yes, that is on the smaller side. And I remember that evening having to go around table to table to thank everyone who came. Now, I was very grateful to everyone who came, but at the same time, I felt like I was torn.

28:16I felt like I couldn't be with the present with the people that I wanted to be. I wanted to extend myself to everyone, but I wanted to make them feel valued. And all of a sudden you start spending shallow time with everyone and then you feel guilty for not giving time to the people who you've known a long time. And you feel guilty because you feel not, like you didn't honor the people who turned up. And then you just kind of feel upset, right? Like shallow time doesn't help build a healthy sense of connection. And I'm not saying don't go to parties or don't go to events, but if all of our social life, if all of our connecting with others is done in big groups where we get three minute conversations with everyone and all of a sudden you're getting pulled in another direction you're getting torn in another direction to talk to this person or that person or someone else comes in late and leaves early and all of a sudden you realize wait a minute what did i even talk about today i basically had the same conversation seven times this evening right hey how's your week been what have you been up to how's it all going oh sorry i've got to run off here okay right taking the time to say, you know what?

29:21I'm just going to do groups of eight. We're just going to do groups of five. You know what? I'm just going to do a one-on-one. How do you feel up? How do you feel connected? Some of us feel connected in bigger groups. Some of us feel connected in smaller groups. Create the group. Don't just wait to be invited to everything else. Create the evening. Create the invite. Create the moment that you need in your life. think about whether all of your social life has become so shallow and by the way when i say shallow i don't mean shallow people i mean it's so shallow in surface level conversation because you haven't created an environment to have a deep connection i had a friend that came over a couple of weeks ago she's awesome i love her and she came over to hang out with me and radhi and before she came over i asked her i'd said hey do you want me to invite anyone else and she said you know what i just like to sit with both of you it'd been so nice to have that i said great because i was hoping for the same thing.

30:16I just didn't want you to feel bored. And even checking in in that way with a friend is so important where I was like, oh gosh, I don't want it to be bored if it's just her and us and maybe she'll want to hang out and see other people. And I realized actually that's all she wanted. And actually that was all we wanted. And it turned out to be a great evening to connect. Habit number six, look for patterns and connections where others don't see them. don't look at things as disconnected i think a lot of us look at our life as disconnected so we look at our life as like god i've got to spend time at work and at home i've got life and i've got my career and what that starts to do is it actually starts to create distance between how your mind views things rather than the understanding that if i'm healthier at work i'll be healthier at home and if i'm healthier at home i'll be healthier at work so often what we try and do is say gosh i need to spend less time at work and more time at home.

31:11But what we're doing is we're letting our absence at work bleed into being absent at home, right? What's really interesting about the mind is we're constantly training it in the moment as to how we want it to be. So if we're training the mind to not be at work when we're at work, then the mind won't be able to switch into being where it is when it's at home. That way we end up pushing away our work family and our home family, and both tend to become a bit disenfranchised with the lack of our presence. And so look for patterns and connections where others don't see them. Don't look at things as disconnected.

31:47Number seven, smile at strangers, say hello. I do a hike pretty much five times a week, different hikes, but sometimes the same one. And one thing I love is seeing people walk their dogs, smile, say hello. Everyone wishes each other good morning. it just creates an entryway for connection for the rest of the day if i walk around with my head down ignore people avoid people guess what i'm disconnecting myself whereas when i smile at people when i say hello when i greet them when i greet their dogs like it creates an energy of connection in your life it opens you up to start and spark conversations in random places i think we forget as to how we still go to grocery stores we still go to coffee shops but we've got our head down on our phone we don't take it as an opportunity to say hello to spark a conversation with the barista to have a moment of small connection but authentic connection it doesn't need to be this huge moment of deep connection it can be these small moments that add up and make us feel a part of a community you can feel a part of a coffee coffee shop you can feel a part of a grocery store community you can feel a part of these places you go through and walk through every day if that's how you see it habit number eight is how technology's helped me a lot one of the things i still do a lot is play code names through horsepace.com and i love the idea of using tech to play games with people because it's a great way of reconnecting this week i have a friend who's in Europe at the moment and we hadn't talked for a while, we keep saying we want to see each other.

33:29And it's really interesting, isn't it? How like you keep saying, oh yeah, I can't wait to see you. I can't wait to do this. I can't wait to do this. And you keep putting it off because everyone has busy schedules. Everyone has a lot going on. And for me, the easiest thing was like, let's just schedule a call, right? Let's FaceTime. Yes, you may think it won't be good enough, but guess what? It was more than good enough. I felt reconnected. We spoke for an hour. And I do the same with other friends. I remember I often like to just organize a games night with my friends back in London, or I have a WhatsApp group with some of my mates and I'll say, hey, let's just do a Zoom and let's all just get on it together because I'm so far away.