7 Signs You’re a People Pleaser & 7 Methods to Break This Habit

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2:49Hey, everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to become happier, healthier, and more healed. Now, guys, I'm back from tour. I'm actually back, and I'm so excited to be back here with you on our Friday workshops. your support has been incredible to me so many of you tens of thousands of you came out to see me on tour so many of you i got to hug and look into your eyes and hold your hands which i so deeply wanted to do and it was just an unbelievable shared experience but even over here on the podcast you've been supporting me through all the incredible episodes this year we've had dr joe Dispenza, we've had Kim Kardashian, we've had Lewis Hamilton, Kevin Hart.

3:41It has been an incredible roster of guests and you keep sharing the episodes, you keep telling your friends about them, you are allowing for this wisdom to spread so fast, so far and so wide and for that I am so deeply grateful to you. But I'm back for these Friday workshops whether you're listening on a Friday or any other day. I'm just happy that you're here. And I just wanted to take a moment to say just how thankful I am for all the engagement on Instagram, on TikTok, for the sharing of the episodes. It's unbelievable. And I don't take it for granted. I value you so, so much. Keep it coming.

4:22Make sure you leave a review. Make sure you tag me on Instagram and on TikTok. I'm always looking out. I'm always commenting. I'm always replying as much as I can. So thank you so much for doing that. Now, today's topic is something that I think a lot of us struggle with, a lot of us deal with, and it's quite a tough one to talk about because it's uncomfortable to recognize that a lot of our behaviors, a lot of our traits, a lot of our ways of being are defined by wanting to be a people pleaser. how many of you already identify as a people pleaser and feel uncomfortable or unhealthy about what it is like to be one?

5:08And how many of you are listening and you're thinking to yourself, well, I don't know if I'm people pleaser. I've been hearing about this term. I feel like I might be. I'm not sure. And I want to have a healthier relationship with it. And maybe there's some of you who are like, Jay, I've been a people pleaser for so long. It is wrecking my life. I need to fix it. I need to figure it out. How do I do this? Now, I want to start off by saying this. Whether you're a people pleaser or you think you might be one, it's natural. It's normal to want to see other people happy. I don't think that's a bad thing for wanting other people to be happy, for wanting other people to be healthy, for wanting people to feel good, for wanting people to be joyful.

5:50That is a beautiful feeling that you should always hold on to. I have that feeling. When I was on stage, I was pouring all my energy out into the audience, all my love, all my joy, because I wanted you to feel that. When I'm recording these episodes, when I'm working hard every day to create this incredible content that we get to do here at On Purpose, I'm pouring my heart into it. I'm pouring all my energy into it because I want you to feel that when you experience it. But here's the difference between people pleasing and helping and serving people. People pleasing is where we displease ourself in the process of pleasing others.

6:39We put ourselves second to put others first. actually we put ourselves seventh by putting everyone else first second third fourth fifth sixth we deprioritize what we truly are searching for by prioritizing what other people want what it basically means is that when you're a people pleaser you will even go to the extent of disliking yourself for someone else to like you. Let's just let that settle. A people pleaser is someone who will go to the extent of even disliking themselves in order for others to like them. So when I'm pouring out on stage or I'm pouring out in these episodes or I'm trying to share my love through my books or whatever it may be, I want to please you.

7:34I want to make you happy. That's a beautiful mindset to have But I don't want to do it to the extent That I end up hurting myself That I end up disliking myself Or I end up being frustrated or overwhelmed with myself Right, sometimes you want to make someone so happy But you get so stressed You take on so much overwhelm You take on so much pressure And in the end of it Whether they're pleased or not You're just exhausted we don't want to be in that position we don't want to be in a position where we have no energy left to give to ourselves that is the difference between a people pleaser and someone who's trying to serve trying to help trying to make an impact when you're living for people with purpose it's different than when you're living for people trying to please them in your purpose you take care of yourself so you can serve and help others.

8:35In people pleasing, you just try and please others, hoping it makes you feel better, right? Notice that difference. So, and I've been there, by the way, I remember being a full-on people pleaser and thinking it was service, being a martyr, thinking it was about sacrifice. And what I didn't realize was that real purpose was to take care of myself, to prioritize myself, to work on myself, to energize myself so that I could extend myself to others. If you just focus on yourself and you don't care about anyone else, that's selfishness. If you only focus on other people and not yourself, that's self-sabotage and self-sacrifice.

9:19But if you work on yourself, if you take care of your health, your mental health, your physical health, your fitness, your finances, in order to be more, give more, serve more for others, that's where we want to get to. And I'm on this journey myself because it's so easy to slip back into those old habits of being a people pleaser. So today we're going to talk about the key traits of people pleasers, and we're going to talk about the transformation that we need to make into people with purpose, right? So I learned this really interesting term from the National Health Institute, and it's the word sociotropic.

10:01You might have heard it before, but sociotropic individuals, the National Health Institute says, are characterized by an overvaluation of closeness and social acceptance in order to boost low self-esteem, while autonomous individuals base their self-esteem on achievement, independence, and control. So we all know what autonomy looks like, the independence, the healthy independence of being able to have freedom to make decisions, to make choices. Sociotropic individuals are the opposite. They find their worth in not having a choice. in giving up their independence, in letting go of a personal pursuit, and often end up as people pleasers.

10:50Now, the YouGov poll ended in August 2022 says about half, 47 % of American adults believe that other people in their life would definitely or probably describe them as a people pleaser. Nearly half of us feel that other people would describe us as a people pleaser. So you're not alone when you feel this way. And among women, 51 % believe others see them this way and 42 % of men say the same. So we can see that this is a challenge that a lot of us have. It's something that a lot of us experience. And again, I want to remind you, the challenge is not that you want other people to be happy. Wanting other people to be happy is a beautiful motive.

11:37It's when you're willing to make yourself unhappy to make others happy where there becomes a challenge. And what I mean by that is when you really start destroying or deconstructing your own identity, you start dissolving your own nature, your own qualities and abilities in order to make someone else feel good. Now among self-identified people pleasers in YouGov's poll 39 % say being this way has made their life harder Being a people pleaser makes our life harder And I think you're here because you've experienced that You've felt that in your own life Where it can become really difficult Now why does it become difficult?

12:21I want to walk you through these traits Because I want us to be conscious of the different ways in which we behave when we're people pleasing. You may think it's like, you know, you have low self-esteem and you're always just trying to make other people smile and laugh and those are parts of it. But I wanna give you a few new perspectives, hopefully reaffirming some of your beliefs as well so that you can be more conscious. Because the more conscious you are, the easier it is to break through. Remember, all amendments in our life start with awareness. You can't address something until you're aware of it.

12:59Let me say that again. You can't address something. You can't amend something until you're aware of it. And you're only aware of it when you're aware of how differently it shows up in your life. You're only aware of it based on how deeply you know the intricacies and the nuances of how it shows up in your life. So here are the traits of being a people pleaser The first one is struggling to say no How many times does someone message you and say Hey, do you have a minute to catch up right now? You've got like a hundred emails to look at But you say, yeah, sure And then you hesitate and you feel upset, right?

13:42So what happens? You pick up the call That person starts telling you their life story Starts telling you everything they're struggling with Starts telling you about their challenges at work What happens next? You help them solve their problems You listen to them In your head you're being torn Because you also want to solve your own problems Two hours later you come back to your 159 emails And all of a sudden you're now frustrated at yourself You might even feel frustration towards them I think that's one of the most interesting things About being a people pleaser Is that not only then are you upset at yourself You actually become upset at them You go, well why can't they be more conscientious?

14:20Like, why didn't they think about my feelings? Why do they never ask about me? Why do they never think about how I'm feeling, what I'm doing? Maybe I'm busy right now. Having the right people in your corner to support you is a great form of self-care. Just like the friend who shows up to a housewarming party when you get that dream home, celebrates your big promotion, or goes with you on a walk to clear your mind, State Farm is there to help you feel supported. They have different coverage options, whether it be for your home, car, motorcycle, boat, or even RV. With a State Farm agent, you know someone is there to help protect what's important.

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17:39Maybe you struggle to say no when your friend says, hey, do you want to help me move this weekend? Or you know what, can you organize this for our friends this year? And all of a sudden, you become team planner, event planner, party planner, and you struggle to say no. We struggle to say no because we're scared that it makes us unlikable if we're useless. We're scared that if we are unuseful We are unlikable We believe that we are only likable if we're useful to others That if we're of some requirement Then that gives us significance Now that's natural, right? When you think you offer something to someone That's when you feel significant But you have to realize that the people that love you in your life They don't love you because of your use of a requirement of a need They love you because of who you are They love you as you are We think saying no is us closing the door and being liked We think that's it They're going to think I'm useless They're going to think I'm unlikable They're going to think that I'm not worth it And my only worth is if I can do something for this person Right?

18:53I know you can feel that when I say it I know you relate to that when I say it and in that we keep saying yes even when we can't take it anymore to the point that one day we've said so many yeses that we finally burst we finally spill over and then at that point when everything's tipped over the edge we then are upset with that person for not noticing for not feeling how we were feeling so how do we overcome this learning to say no is probably the hardest thing ever right someone says hey do you want to come out tonight and you say no i'm not sure and they say oh stop being a loser come out right like that kind of attitude or hey you know we're thinking of planning this trip that we're going on and you're like oh no i don't think i can go i've got work priorities and it's like oh you're boring right like we feel that pressure my wife and i sometimes feel that because we go out to hang with our friends but we're their friends that want to go sleep by 10 p.m and so we're like leaving and they're like oh why don't you watch a moving we're like ah you know what really want to wake up early tomorrow to meditate and the number one thing is like well you know why do you need to do that like why can't you just have fun now as time's gone on i've spent less and less time with that i don't have friends that say that to me anymore which is a beautiful thing and it's been really clear in guiding me as to who likes me for who i am the way i am or who wants me to become more like them in order for them to like me right think about that clearly who likes me right for who i am the way i am i like sleeping at 10 a.m.

20:26I like waking up at 6 a.m. I like meditating in the morning. I like getting sleep before midnight. Who likes me that way for who I am the way I am? Or who only likes me when I do things that please them? People who like me for who I am the way I am are so important to me compared to those who want me to be like them for them to like me, right? For some of those friends It was like, well, if you don't stay up to watch a movie like I like to, then I don't like you as much. Right. If you're not going to be the person who entertains me in this way, then I don't like you as much. And learning to say no is accepting that you may lose that person or that person may distance themselves from you.

21:11And I think that's what we're getting at here is that we're actually developing the ability to sit in the discomfort of someone not liking us. The way to do this effectively is learn to say no in a nice way. I think when we first practice this, we start learning to just say no. And we're like, no, I'm not coming. No, I can't make it. And all of a sudden that person's like, well, why are you being so abrupt? You literally were saying yes until yesterday And now you listen to a Jay Shetty episode And now you're just saying no all the time, right? But it's like, no, let me say no in a nice way Let me give my explanation You're not, remember, giving an apology Or a context for trying to make them happy But you're being honest So I'll say to a friend, I'll be like, you know what?

21:58I actually did this this weekend, right? It was 4th of July last weekend It was a big holiday weekend I had a lot of wonderful friends I'd just come back into town after my tour Everyone's like, Jay, we want to see you we want to hang out and I wanted to see them too and I said you know what I literally just came off tour I'm pretty exhausted I just need to spend a bit of alone time this weekend and that's what I'm going to do and I'll see you as soon as I can I would really appreciate thank you so much for understanding this in advance and hey none of my friends were like oh Jay you're so ungrateful like why are you acting like that everyone's just like Jay we get it let us know when you're free right and so that's the kind of community you want to surround yourself with if someone's not reciprocating or responding to your honesty and your communication in a healthy way, you have to really ask yourself whether they're the right person that you want to have in your life.

22:48Now, number two, which is linked to this, is a lot of us constantly apologize. Oh, I'm so sorry that happened. Oh, I'm so sorry I did that. I'm so sorry I can't make this. I'm so sorry that it wasn't perfect. I'm so sorry, right? We threw a dinner party, but we're so sorry that it wasn't what people expected. We're always over apologizing. How many of you find yourselves when you don't know what to say, you just over apologize? Like, let's say someone's into you, right? Someone's been flirting with you. Someone slid into your DM. Someone's messaging you. Someone's talking to you. You're not into them.

23:25They tell you that they're into you. And now you are telling them you're not into them, but you're like, I'm so sorry. I'm not into you. Like, I feel so bad. Like, you know, all that kind of stuff. And by the way, it's great for you to have feelings for how they feel, but we constantly make it feel like it's our fault. Right. And now that you say no to them and they say, oh, well, I still want to be friends or like, let's still connect or let's still talk. And then we feel even more sorry because then we want to spend time with them because we want them to like us. But then we're like, oh, what a minute, I feel bad because maybe I'm still teasing them or maybe they're still into me or whatever it may be.

24:06And so now you're making out like this was all your fault. How many times have you made it out? Be honest with me. How many times have you made it out that it's all your fault? How many times do you feel that way? That's actually at the root of constantly apologizing. You constantly apologize to your parents. You feel like the challenges they had were all your fault. You constantly apologize to your boss, you feel like everything is all your fault? How many of us walk around with that mindset that everything is our fault, that in some way if things aren't perfect, it's our fault, that it's our problem, that we did something wrong, that we made a mistake?

24:40Now how do we work on that? How do we stop thinking everything's our fault? The biggest thing for me was to realize that if someone was an adult, they had to take responsibility for their actions and I had to take responsibility for mine. If we're adults now, if we're over 18 years old, right? If we're over 21 years old, everyone is old enough to make their own decisions and do what is right for themselves and take care of themselves. Yes, I'm there to support. Yes, I want to be a good friend. But I have to acknowledge that if something didn't work out, it is not my fault because we have to take accountability, right we have to take accountability and to me instead of apologizing what became a healthier solution was asking questions so let's say that something didn't go the way someone wanted it to instead of me saying i'm so sorry i'll sort it out i'd be like well how do you think it should have gone what do you think we could have done better what is it that you could have done and i could have done how could we have approached this better i found that replacing apologies with questions.

25:49Now, again, I'm not saying when you're at fault, don't say sorry, right? That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that A, don't think everything is your fault. And B, when something feels like it's being blamed on you or it's coming back to you, it's like, well, how should we deal with this? So going back to that idea of someone being into you and you feeling like it's all your fault, saying, well, let's navigate this better. Like, how can we keep hanging out together if you're still into me, you can't just not be into me tomorrow. If you ask that question, that person now has to think about it.

26:22Chances are they haven't thought about it. Chances are in their head, they're still thinking they're going to get you. They're still going to win you over. They're still going to find a way to lure you into their life if they're really into you, right? That's what they're thinking. But when you ask the question and say, well, wait a minute, how can we just hang out as friends? Because you just told me you're into me and I'm not going to change my mind about you. So how's this going to work? And then all of a sudden they have to say, oh I'm not sure like oh it will be fine and it's like well no how will it be fine so asking questions is better than saying look I'm so sorry this is going to be tough for you but we'll figure it out and then you start consoling them this is huge by the way I hope I hope you're listening and I hope that this is resonating with you the third trait is not communicating your needs this is a big one for people where we spend months go by even years go by and we never felt like we had an opinion or we never felt like we could share our opinion.

27:17And then years later, we said, well, why never you asked me what I want? And the person's like, well, you never said what you want. And it's interesting because we think that if we don't communicate what we want, then that person will be happy because they'll get to do what they want. And often if you're around someone who's quite a leader, they will lead with that way without even asking. But it's so important that you take time daily to sit down just for five minutes at the start of your day and five minutes at the end of your day. At the five minutes of the start of your day, ask yourself, what's the one thing I need to do today to make today feel like a great day?

27:55I ask myself this every day. What's the one thing I need to do today to make today feel like a great day? And often the answer will be workout. Sometimes the answer will be sleep early. Sometimes the answer will be, have dinner with friends. Sometimes the answer will be, hang out with Radhi. Actually, it's hang out with Radhi pretty much every day, but that isn't always possible if we're traveling. But the idea is, if you have that one question, that one thing, you're communicating your needs to yourself. Communicating your needs to yourself is the first step to a healthy relationship with someone else.

28:34It's not that you don't communicate your needs to them, it's that we don't communicate our needs to ourselves, right? We're not even aware. So every day, sit down at the start of the day, five minutes, reflect, what's the one thing I need to do today to make today a great day? And at the end of each day, ask yourself, have I done it yet? And what am I grateful for that I did for myself? Reminding yourself, closing that loop, because too many of us don't even know what we want. Number four, signs of a people pleaser is that you often feel rejected or left out. You feel like everyone gets along, but somehow you're not getting along.

29:16And in order to solve that feeling, you try and people please, you try and over deliver, you try and be there and be everything and be around. And what I find for this one is that we often feel rejected and left out because we're trying to be part of a group that we don't naturally fit into. There is a natural group for all of us all across the planet. For some people, it's a club. For some people, it's a cycling group. For some people, it's game night. For some people, but we always want to be part of that one group of friends. It's kind of like that movie Mean Girls, if you remember it. And it's like there are so many groups of friends at college or at high school, but everyone wants to be part of that one group because we think that that one group is cooler, smarter, more attractive, more talented, more beautiful, whatever it may be.