7 Steps on How to Silence Your INNER CRITIC Especially When it Gets TOO LOUD and Becomes Overwhelming

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3:21So if you hate yourself, how can you bring out the best in yourself? If you hate yourself, how can you build a life that you're excited by? The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health and wellness podcast in the world. thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to become happier, healthier, and more healed. If you're here right now, it's because you believe that your mental health is a priority in your life. And I'm so grateful that in 2024, you're making the time, taking the time, investing your energy in making this a top, top priority.

4:11Now, today's episode is all about how to silence your inner critic when he gets too loud and tells you to give up. How many of you in the last seven days have heard your inner critic say you're not good enough? Well then this episode is for you. How many of you have heard your inner critic say you just can't get it together can you? Well then this episode is for you. How many of you have heard your inner critic say have you seen what they're doing? Have you seen how far behind you are already? Can you believe it's only the end of January and you've already fallen apart? If the answer is yes, this episode is for you.

4:57Research shows that only 9 % of people that make resolutions complete them. In fact, research goes on to show that 23 % of people quit their resolution by the end of the first week and 43 % quit by the end of January. If you are one of those people, this episode is for you. And by the way, some of you may still be going on strong, but your inner critic is still loud. Even if you're nailing your New Year's resolution, you're getting it right, you're on point, you're still hearing that voice say, you're not good enough, you're not strong enough, you're not moving fast enough, you're not getting better enough.

5:39so interesting now what's really interesting is we're not struggling because we broke our new year's resolution we break our new year's resolution because of how we talk to ourselves think about that for a second the reason we quit doing something is because of the story we tell ourselves about it think about the last time you quit something think about the last time you gave up on something, think about the last time you had a habit that you couldn't keep up. I promise you that somewhere your inner critic told you that you should feel guilty, embarrassed, ashamed because of where you were and there's no point in carrying on.

6:24You fell off once and your inner critic said, you're just going to fall off again. What's the point? Or you were doing something brilliantly and your inner critic said you're still behind you'll never catch up we don't fail because we're not disciplined it's because of how we talk to ourselves when we mess up when we lose a sense of discipline a habit a routine the way we talk to ourselves is what steals away our momentum our drive, our enthusiasm, our energy. It's how we speak to ourselves in the quiet moments, in the silent moments, in the moments in between that defines what happens outside of it.

7:14Now, I'm sure all of you are listening right now and thinking, Jay, I can relate to all of this. And what's fascinating when I was looking at the research is there are two broad types of self-criticism from a researcher named Sullivan, a clinical psychologist based in Atlanta. Now, some of these thoughts, this inner critic, is first-person I statements like, I'm so lazy. I'm so complacent. I'm so not smart enough, right? Whatever it may be, it's I'm so fill in the blank. And other people use second person language, like you didn't go to the gym all week, or you're not good enough, or you're never going to get that job, or you can never start a podcast.

8:09This second type of statement tends to be really, really challenging to listen to. And Sullivan says that our brains process those thoughts as if someone in a position of authority is talking to us. They know all our flaws and they pretend like they can predict the future, right? When you're hearing that voice that says, you can't do it, you're not good enough, you're not smart enough, it's actually even more challenging. So whether you're hearing, I'm so lazy, or whether you're hearing, you're so lazy, I'm going to share with you seven principles, seven tips and hacks to help you navigate your inner critic and build a healthier relationship with the inner critic so that you can actually engage in a dialogue with it now these tips are super practical super accessible you'll be able to implement them right away from today you won't have to buy something or develop a new skill or tool or whatever it may be you'll be able to do this today so take a screenshot of your favorite ones make notes share this with a friend because this episode is going to help you become kinder to yourself, more compassionate to yourself, yet still let you be driven and ambitious.

9:27I think that's our worry. Our worry is that if we're not hard on ourselves, then we won't achieve great things. But we're scared that if we're too kind to ourselves, then we'll be lethargic or complacent, right? How many times have you ever thought to yourself, well, if I don't put pressure on myself, then I'm just going to coast. and how many times have you tried to think well I'm going to put so much pressure on myself but that also limits your ability. So in this episode I'm going to help you understand how do you navigate the inner critic so that you can still be ambitious and driven and succeed in whatever way you describe that word and at the same time be kind, compassionate and mindful.

10:14Now, let me ask you a question. When was the last time you helped someone that you hate? If your answer was never, great. If your answer was, actually, I do remember helping someone I hate, how consistently and how constantly did you help that person? Generally, we don't help people that we hate. We don't invest in people that we hate, especially not consistently or constantly. So think about this. We think we can hate ourselves into changing, but you can only love yourself into changing. Let me say that again. You can't hate yourself into changing because you don't invest, you don't give time, you don't give energy to someone you hate.

11:01So if you hate yourself, how can you bring out the best in yourself? If you hate yourself, how can you build a life that you're excited by? So just recognizing that this mindset of I'm gonna criticize myself, I'm gonna put pressure on myself, I'm going to hate myself into changing, I'm going to hate myself into being better doesn't make sense. And by the way, we do this to the people we love in our lives. We often think that if I make someone feel bad enough, they'll be good to me. If I make someone feel like they're messing up, they'll get better. How many times have people improved because of shame, because of guilt?

11:44How many people have you shamed into change? How many people have you guilted into change? How many people have you humiliated into change? And how many people have you criticized into change? Maybe they did it for a bit, but not long term, we can't guilt people into change. You can't shame people into change. You can't embarrass people into change. So stop doing it to yourself. You can't hate yourself into change. We change because someone believes in us. We change because someone loves us. We change because someone invests enough you will change because you invest in yourself you will change because you believe in yourself you will change because you love yourself if you want to be better be better with yourself if you want to do more be kinder to yourself that's what you'll respond to How many people in your life respond positively to hate, guilt or shame?

12:53Yet we all still try to hate, guilt and shame ourselves into positive change. This is your reminder to be more compassionate, more kind and more loving. I was saying this to a friend the other day who was saying that all he does is gives himself a hard time. He'll overanalyze every situation, every conversation, a presentation at work. He'll relive that moment again and again and again in his head and keep telling himself it should have been better. It could have been better if only he did this. If only he did that. What does that do? It makes him feel discouraged. But what if he said to himself, let's make a plan of how to be better next time.

13:38Let's make a plan of how we're going to improve next time. Let's actually take a look at what we did great and where we can grow. Let's look at both greatness and growth in ourselves. Let's not be blind to our flaws. Let's not be falsely flattering or complimentary. We don't want that either. But let's focus on greatness and growth within ourselves. After a presentation, asking yourself, what was great about it. Okay, where can I grow? After a phone call, a tough one, what was I great at? What can I grow at? We're so quick to judge ourselves and point out all the growth and actually not even growth.

14:18We point out the guilt, but we avoid the growth and the greatness. Remember, you can only love yourself into change. You can only love yourself into change. You can't hate yourself into change. This is Jay Shetty from On Purpose. And if you've ever felt like you've lost touch with yourself, try changing your surroundings, even for just a few days. Delta recently invited four creators to do just that. Two trips, one question. What if travel isn't just movement, but recharging in motion? In Seattle, they focused on routine and self-care, Gym time, grounding walks and meditation. In Copenhagen, they let go.

15:02Biking, saunas and embracing the moment. And what surprised them most? Their usual stress faded. They felt clearer, calmer, more connected. And Oura Ring data backed it up. Based on their Oura Ring sleep scores, everyone met the day feeling more rested. And their bodies moved more, without even trying. Travel gave them space to practice self-care. and not restriction, but balance. And the best part? That sense of well-being didn't end when they got home. With Delta, fly and live better. Explore the whole journey on Delta's YouTube channel. Okay, I'm going to assume that everybody messages their friends.

15:44I'm also going to assume you've run into some issues when messaging, especially during group chats. I know I have. One time I sent a message way too fast, full of typos and everyone had to guess what I was even trying to say. WhatsApp can help. First, you can message privately with everyone, even if you're all using totally different phones. It just works. Sent a message too fast and instantly regretted it? No problem, just edit it. And when the chat gets a little too intense, you can switch to a group video call and actually talk it out. Photos and videos come through super clear and messages get delivered without weird gaps or delays.

16:24Plus, WhatsApp has so many great features like polls, pinned messages, and even event invites with RSVPs so planning stuff doesn't just turn into a mess. I mean, it just makes a lot of sense. It's time for WhatsApp. Message privately with everyone. One thing I've been reflecting on lately is how even the smallest choices can create a big impact over time. Whether it's choosing to spend a quiet night in to recharge or making a decision that brings you closer to a long-term goal, those moments of intention really matter. And when it comes to the choices we make with our money, that same mindset applies.

17:06I've learned that saving for the things that truly matter, like your first home or a reliable car, starts with small, thoughtful decisions. That's why I appreciate what State Farm is doing with their personal price plan. It gives you the power to personalize your plan and create an affordable price that works for your life. You can bundle your home and auto insurance in a way that supports your journey and your goals. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with the personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state, coverage options as selected by the customer, availability amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state step number two this is a really important step give your inner critic a name if we want to remove that idea of you're lazy or i'm lazy we have to shift to recognizing that your inner critic is an external voice, that it isn't your voice.

18:14It's not how you feel about yourself. And this is a really, really important tool because this next point that I want to share, and these both are correlated and connected, is your inner critic. It's not your voice because someone said it to you first. You may think it's your belief, but it's not your belief. You heard it from someone before. I remember having a client whose mom used to tell her that she looked overweight, that she looked fat, that she didn't look good when she was a young girl. And as she grew older, no matter how her body shaped and shifted and everything else, she still had that inner voice.

18:56No matter what she wore, if she wore a color that her mother didn't like, she heard her mother's voice. What happens though is that over time the person's voice merges into sounding like yours. If you repeat someone else's statement enough in your mind it sounds like it's your own voice. So I want you to think about it. Who said it to you first? And you might even name it that person. so if it was your mom if it was your dad if it was the teacher at school that kept saying something to you that has become that voice maybe let's give that name to that voice that way we can recognize that it's a conversation between us and our teacher or us and our parents as opposed to us and ourselves we start recognizing that it isn't how we feel about ourselves that this is an adopted belief, that this is a belief that we've picked up.

19:57How does that help? When you give your inner critic a name, you start recognizing that this is a conversation, that this is a relationship that you've built, that you can distance from, that you can disconnect from, that it isn't something within you. And when you identify who said it to you first, you also start to recognize how careful we have to be in the influences we allow into our space. And now we don't want to find other people who reaffirm that voice. Often if we had a parent that treated us that way, we also find a partner who treats us that way because it feels familiar. It feels relatable.

20:41and Thich Nhat Hanh talked a lot about this, this idea that we crave familiar pain. So you would rather repeat a toxic familiar pattern than break it to experience an unfamiliar uncertain pattern. So you would rather choose toxic familiarity than untoxic uncertainty. Let me say that again, you would rather choose toxic familiarity than untoxic uncertainty because we'd rather deal with problems that we're aware of than the challenge of a new problem. So often what we do is if our parents believed a certain thing about us, we find a partner who believes it as well. Or we do the opposite. We try and find a partner who adores us and makes that feeling go away.

21:34But guess what? It doesn't because the voice is still in our heads. We're looking for the partner who tells us the opposite without forgetting the message we've gained from our parents. So give your inner critic a name. Name it after that teacher or that parent so you can make it a conversation. Or give it an imaginary name to even weaken it further, to remove that authority from it. And who said it to you first? Recognize that this isn't your voice and actually say that. Whenever you hear that inner voice, say, this is not me. This is not my voice. I am not my thoughts. I am not my mind. Actually, repeat that with me right now.

22:12I am not my thoughts. I can choose my thoughts. I can choose which thoughts to give energy to. I can choose the voice inside my head. Step number four is remove the I am statement. instead of saying, I am lazy, say, I am experiencing laziness. I'm experiencing whatever emotion it may be, allowing yourself to create some distance from that emotion. Or what I accept is, I may say, I am feeling lazy, and I'm going to make a plan. I am feeling tired, and I'm going to get to bed early tonight. So if you're accepting it, you can say the I am, but you're still saying I am feeling instead of saying you are, right?

23:04That distance allows you to disconnect from that inner critic. It allows you to create some space between you and that inner critic so you can now fill that space with enthusiasm and energy. The repetition of I'm lazy, I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, I can't do that. what that does is it creates a story and a narrative that you repeat and perpetuate in your life. Step number five. This one has probably been my favorite one because I think what we often try and do is we try to silence the inner critic before taking the right step. And this is pretty tough because the inner critic doesn't go away.

23:42I still have an inner critic today, right? After all these years, I still have an inner critic. It still shows up. It still turns up because over years I'd heard things. You're not good enough at that. You can't do that. You're going to lose everything. You don't deserve this, whatever it may have been, right? It still appears. And what I've realized is that I have a few choices with it. I can either think, okay, I need to get rid of this thought and then I'll live my life, right? Once I get rid of this thought, then I'll take action. And actually it's the opposite. Don't let it stop you from making the right choice or taking action, you can be self-critical and still work out.

24:22You can be self-critical and still meditate. So often what we do is our mind says, oh, you missed meditation yesterday. What's the point of meditating today? And then you think, all right, well, let's not meditate today. Well, no, you can be critical of yourself and still turn up to meditation. You can be critical of yourself and still work out. And it's better to take the right action because the right action will allow you to gain more strength to have a healthier conversation. You'll then be able to say, well, I worked out today and I feel great. So I'm going to keep working out. And guess what?

24:54I feel great when I work out. So I'm going to keep working out. I'm going to keep building that muscle. So don't let something stop you from making and taking the right choice and right decision. So many of us block ourselves because of a couple of misses, because of a belief about ourselves. how many of you have missed out on a great opportunity that was offered to you because somewhere you felt you don't deserve that opportunity maybe you bumped into someone and they said to hey message me I'd love to talk to you about this opportunity and you didn't even message because you were so scared that you'd mess it up and you'd rather not even turn up You'd rather not even go there.

25:38How many of you in your life have tried something and because it didn't work out one day, because one day didn't go wrong, you changed your belief about yourself? Please, please, please. Your inner critic is a retrainable voice. Your inner critic is not a truth. Your inner critic is not a reality. Your inner critic is a changeable, trainable voice. and that's what we're trying to do here. We're trying to make it a voice that is like your coach in your mind, that is going to excel and allow you to want to do better. Ask yourself, when you want a friend to improve, when you want to encourage, cheer, and enthuse your friend, how do you talk to them?

26:32How would you explain them to be better? And this is an activity that I want you to do. Find the area of your life where you most overthink, overanalyze and overwhelm yourself. What's something that triggers you regularly into your inner critic, giving you a hard and tough time? Let's say that when you make a mistake at work, that's when you're the kind of person that wants to lock yourself in a bathroom and completely, you know, attack yourself. In that moment, I want you to ask yourself this question. How would I connect with a friend? How would I connect with a loved one if they just told me this news?

27:10How would I talk to them? Not what would I say to them? How would I talk to them? I'm sure it's with love. I'm sure it's with empathy. I'm sure it's with compassion. Okay, now what would you say to them? You wouldn't just say to them, hey, it's all going to be fine. And you wouldn't say to them, oh, you've really messed up this time. You're the worst, you're going to get fired, you'd say, hey, let's figure out how we can avoid this mistake in the future. Let's figure out how to improve this situation right now. Let's build the skill set we need in order to perform better. Notice how the way you talk to yourself transforms how you talk to others and how you listen to others.

27:51I've realized that when I miss a day of going to the gym, giving myself grace allows me to commit again tomorrow. Making myself guilty may force me to work out today, but it doesn't last. Let's say I have a day where I eat unhealthy or a couple of days where I ate something that I know wasn't good for me. And then I can berate myself. I can criticize myself. I can slander myself. I can do all of that stuff. But if I actually ask myself, hey, why did that happen? What was it about that day that drove me to that decision? Oh, I was tired. Oh, I was jet lagged. Oh yeah, that was the day where I was feeling really stressed.

28:32Understood. Okay, so let me make sure that I'm resting more. Let me make sure that I'm sleeping better this weekend and then I'll make better choices. Checking in with yourself and asking yourself, why was that? Why did I do that? Why did I miss going to the gym? What was the reason rather than being like, you missed going to the gym, you're the worst. Now a couple more things I want to mention to you. We have to start journaling our wins and good moments. We have to start sharing them more deeply. What we usually do is when something good happens in our life, we celebrate for a day. But when something bad happens in our life, we cry for a month.

29:13It's no wonder that our negative thoughts become more pronounced, right? If you get something wrong, you literally tell yourself every day for a week, I'm the worst, I should have done better. But if you get something right, you may say once, oh yeah, I did good. And whether we're being modest, whether we're playing ourselves down, whatever it may be, we're training our mind to say, when I do something wrong, I go really hard on myself. And when I do something well, I consider it to be easy. I consider it to be expected. We expect greatness from ourselves and so we only amplify our weaknesses and flaws.

29:50Next time you do something right, next time you do something well, I want you to journal it deeply. I want you to share it with a friend. And by the way, I got into a bad habit of this when a few years ago when I was really grateful that so many of my dreams were coming true. When I was speaking to friends, I started to play down my achievements because I didn't want to make other people feel uncomfortable. And while I was well-intentioned, what ended up happening is I started becoming more negative because what I was doing is I was amplifying my negative experience and minimizing my positive experience.