7 Strategies to Stop Getting Drained by Your Problems & Focus on Possibilities

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0:49I'm Radhi Dvlukia and I'm the host of a Really Good Cry podcast and I have the opportunity to talk to Logan Uri. If you're out there trying to date right now, being ghosted on Hinge or want to create a dating profile that gives you a solid chance of matching with someone you actually want to go on a date with, then this episode with Hinge's Director of Relationship Science, Logan Ury, is definitely for you. Relationships do require work. The best relationships are people who really work on them together. Listen to A Really Good Cry on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

1:20I'm grateful for what I have, but I'm excited for what I'm growing for. There's this balanced approach. Notice how I'm not just putting forward the other extreme. Life isn't just about saying I'm at one extreme, how do I get to the other extreme? I'm negative, let's get a positive I'm not grateful, let's be grateful It doesn't work like that, that's too simple The answer is far more grey The answer is not black and white The answer is not on one or the other side

1:51Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose The number one health podcast in the world Thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to listen, learn and grow. Thank you so much for tuning in, turning up for your transformation. I am so, so happy to get to spend this time with you every day, every week, multiple times a day, maybe. And I want to thank all of you that have been leaving reviews. I'm always learning. I'm always trying to improve with your feedback, always trying to make this better. and I'm so happy that we've always kept this absolutely free. The podcast has been free since day one.

2:29You have over four and a half years worth of content that's available. Make sure you go back and listen to incredible episodes all the way back in 2019 and just last week. So today I want to talk about something really important. And I think a lot of the time we've heard a lot about positive thinking. It's all about positivity, they say. And I think as time's gone on, we've all realized that positivity or positive thinking doesn't really work. Because when we tell someone to be positive, what we're telling them to do is think good things, right? Just be positive. Ignore the negative. Ignore what's wrong in your life right now.

3:13Don't accept your emotions or your feelings. Don't acknowledge what you're going through. just be positive so someone says to you like oh i'm really worried that i may not get this job oh just be positive you'll get it and then it comes around they didn't get their job and they said well i was being positive why didn't i get it the truth is maybe there was feedback maybe there was a lesson maybe there was learning maybe that job wasn't right for them maybe they didn't try hard enough maybe they needed to understand their feeling of worry and know how to transform it and move away from anxiety but telling someone to be positive doesn't get them the result they want and it stops them from dealing with the emotion right telling someone to be positive doesn't get them the result and it stops them from acknowledging how they're feeling so i think toxic positivity has been around for a long time and often people assume if someone's telling you to think bigger or think more mindfully, then they're saying be positive.

4:19And I don't think that's the case. So I want you to know that today. I'm not telling you to be positive. I'm not trying to just get you to think about the good things in life. That is not what I'm encouraging you to do because I think there's a lot more to it than that simple statement. Now there's three types of thinking, positive thinking, problem thinking, and possibility thinking. I want to talk to you a bit about problem thinking, the opposite end. So if positivity is one extreme where you force yourself to just be like, everything's going to work out. Everything's going to be great. Everything's amazing, right?

4:53Which it isn't. You have to do stuff. You have to work through stuff. You have to figure things out. The other extreme is problem thinking. Everything's a problem. Oh, I can never do that. That's never going to work out. That's impossible. that won't work for me i can't do it it's not going to happen right we do the opposite just as we were blindly being positive we're now blindly being negative just as we were being positive for the sake of being positive we're now being negative for the sake of being negative right there was no basis there was no evidence to our positivity and now there's no evidence to our problems we just keep pointing out the problems even if someone presents a solution we find the one negative in that solution and it just continues to go round and round and round.

5:41So I want to present to you possibility thinking, right? The possibility mindset. This isn't imagination. This isn't delusion. Possibility mindset is saying instead of being falsely positive, instead of being falsely negative or falsely problem looking or problem spotting, let me think in possibilities let me always look for possibilities instead of problems let me look for what could happen what we could figure out let me look at what and how we could approach it differently let me look at what is possible let me look at the possible over the impossible let me look at what's probable instead of the impossible let me stop discounting or deflecting things as just being full of problems and let me actually find the way.

6:37Now the way I want to address this is I want to share this with you as if you have a possibility mindset or a problem mindset. So if you have a problem mindset, you will believe there is only one way. We do this in our careers, we do this in our passions, we do this in our marriages, we do this in our relationships. if you're someone who believes there is only one way it means we're stuck in problem mindset we believe this is the only path and if this path doesn't work for us then it will never work for us we believe that this is the only job that will make us happy and if we don't get this job then we can't be happy we believe that this is the only way we'll get to where we want to go to and if we don't go it this way then it won't happen if you are someone who believes there is only one way to get to where you want to go.

7:31You are living in problem mindset. Now, someone who's living in a possibility mindset will say, let me find another way. There must be another way. The back door, the trap door, the secret door, the revolving door. There are so many other doors than the front door. That is a possibility mindset. There's windows, right? There's cat flaps. I'm totally going off, but you get the point. The idea is you want to train yourself to remember there's always another way. There's always another door. There's always another possibility. You have to look deeply, search for that possibility. Thomas Edison once said, when you believe you've exhausted all options, remember this, you haven't.

8:22I remember at a certain point in my life, I believed that the way to making a living was through having a job. Now that's totally normal and totally fine. And there's nothing wrong with that, right? That's normal. And if you're successful at your job, things are going fine for you. That's actually an amazing way. But as someone who realized how insecure that was at times, I recognized that I needed to have multiple sources of income in order to be safe because I wasn't doing a job I loved or a job that I was doing, you know, propelling at. And to me, this was a really, really important learning that there was another way to live, right?

9:05It never even occurred to me before that, that you could have multiple revenue streams or that was a way of living. At one point in my life, as crazy as it sounds, I really didn't believe there were many jobs. In my head, you could only be in a couple of jobs because everyone around me was in a couple of jobs. So I didn't even know you could be in media or be in journalism or be in communications. I didn't know roles like that existed. It's fascinating to think, but it's true. I'm sure there are times in your life where you didn't believe there were certain types of music and you discovered a new type of music.

9:38And this is what it's all about, discovery. When we're living in a possibility mindset, we're allowing ourselves to discover. We're allowing ourselves to unravel, reveal something. So I want you to think about where in your life have you developed a problem mindset where you look for the problems and you think, oh, this is the only way and it's not working. I've failed. And how can you challenge yourself? How can you push yourself to actually look for the possibilities, even when it seems like there are none. Right? Remember those words of Thomas Edison, when you believe you've exhausted all options, remember this, you haven't.

10:20When you think you've exhausted all options, when you think you've been down every path, I promise you there's another one. If you really care about the goal, keep trying a new path. If you don't care about the goal, then change your goal. But if you care about the goal, keep finding a new path. Now, if you're living in a problem mindset, when you see a plan, when you see your goal, you actually just see a list of issues, right? If you're living in a problem mindset, you're someone who, even though you have a goal, even though you have a habit you want to build, maybe you have a physical goal, a mental goal, an emotional goal, a career goal, but all you do is you think, oh God, I got too much to do.

11:03Oh gosh, I need to be there. Oh, that's not gonna happen, right? Instead, someone with a possibility mindset will list out all the areas of growth. They'll list out the skills that they have in order to get there and they'll list out the gaps as well. Notice how that's a different mindset. There's a different mindset between listing the issues and listing the problems and then listing areas of growth. Now this is what I wanted to do as a practical step. Make a list of everything you have ever achieved. Make a list of everything you've ever achieved. It could be the developing of a skill. It could be a qualification.

11:39It could be a degree, whatever it may be. It could be a job promotion. And ask yourself two questions. One, what are the skills that you developed or have that helped you get there? And second of all, was that a traditional route you took or did you take an untraditional route? The first question is important because you have to realize that you have skills in order to get to where you want to get to. And some of the problems that you're pursuing or some of the problems you're facing, you actually have the skills to solve those problems. You've actually done that before. And the second question is important to help you realize that often you may have done things in a slightly different way.

12:18You might have done things in a roundabout way. There is plenty of possibility that you approach things differently. and when I practice my possibility mindset if I have a goal I always look at it and go okay what would I need to learn okay what would I need to develop okay great where do I need to start right rather than looking at like all right this is going to get in the way this is going to get in the way I would say this is going to get in the way but how do I create a plan around that right that's the difference between possibility and positivity thinking positivity thinking is thinking, well, everything's going to go great.

12:53Everything's going to go to plan. There's no issues. Possibility thinking is, yeah, I know that's a possibility, but how can I make it less of a probability, right? That's what possibility thinking is. I know that's a possibility. I know it's possible that things could go wrong, but how do I reduce that probability and actually have a proactivity approach to solving it if and when it happens? That's a possibility mindset. This segment about possibility is brought to you by AT &T. AT &T believes connecting changes everything. Sometimes we're our own worst enemy and our own harshest critics, and this self-doubt often prevents us from reaching our full potential.

13:38It doesn't just affect us individually, it can also hold back our teams and entire organizations. This is what we call default thinking. It's when we get stuck in our usual ways of thinking, limiting our options, stifling creativity, and stopping us from exploring all the different ideas and opportunities that are out there. To open the door for more opportunities and possibilities, we need to shift from default thinking to scenario thinking. Scenario thinking simply means being able to think about multiple different possibilities at the same time and being ready to act when opportunities come our way.

14:13When you adopt this strategy, you start thinking what if, instead of this is our only option, or we don't have another choice. This change in how you think will gradually make you see things from a different perspective, one that's curious and open to new experiences. As you get used to this what-if approach, you'll discover a whole world of options and solutions you might not have seen before. This newfound flexibility can be the key to achieving great success in your personal and professional life because it equips you to deal with the ever-changing challenges and opportunities that come your way.

14:47So how do you make this shift to scenario thinking and open up more possibilities? Here are a few practical steps. Don't let fear hold you back. Face your fears and doubts head on. Understand that fear can often stop you from exploring new ideas. By acknowledging and pushing past these fears, you can start thinking about different options without hesitation. Two, think about what you want to achieve. Begin with a clear picture of what you want to accomplish. When you have a goal in mind, it's easier to explore different paths that can lead you there. Visualizing your success can motivate you to make changes.

15:223. Come up with different options. Actively brainstorm various possibilities, even ones that may seem a bit unusual or risky initially. By considering a wide range of options, you increase your chances of finding creative solutions. 4. Identify and assess your stakeholders. Think about the people or groups who might be affected by your decisions or actions. Engage with them to get a variety of perspectives and feedback. This collaborative approach can help you make better, more informed choices. The next time you hit a roadblock, exercise those four ways to find more creative solutions for your next challenge.

15:57This has been brought to you by AT &T. AT &T believes connecting inspires, unites, heals, and helps us grow. Connecting changes how we live our lives for the better. Now, someone who's got a problem mindset relies on doing things in the mind alone. And someone in the possibility mindset realizes you have to take action. So what I mean by that is if you're thinking about problems, you usually just think about them in your head and you go, yeah, that won't work, that won't work, that won't work. And you're trying to figure it out in your head. It's almost like mental gymnastics or mental arithmetic.

16:33it's like trying to solve a math problem in your head when you're not that good at math right and so what's so interesting about that is you just keep going round around in circles in your mind trying to figure it out rather than just taking action again it comes back to that proactive possibility mindset how can we take action how can we move forward how can we just take one step if you're struggling with problem thinking it's because you're being blocked to actually take a step. The step could be ordering a book. The step could be taking a class. The step could be doing a course. The step could be trying it once, right?

17:13The step, the action doesn't have to be a big risk. It doesn't mean you have to take on a huge burden or carry a huge weight. It can truly be the simplest step forward. So the next one is the problem mindset says nothing is ever enough, we always forget that where we are today is somewhere we once probably dreamed of, right? There are things that you have achieved today that once upon a time you were ambitious to pursue. There are things that you have attained today that at one point you can believe you could get to. It could have been a job. It could have been a partner. It could have been a financial position.

17:56please, please, please think about this for a second, but nothing is ever enough. It's always about what's next. That's problem thinking. Why? Because if we're always wondering what's next, then even when we get to next, we'll be lost in what's next. It just keeps going on and on. Whereas a possibility mindset says, I'm grateful for what I have, but I'm excited for what I'm growing for, right? I'm grateful for what I have, but I'm excited for what I'm growing for. There's this balanced approach. Notice how I'm not just putting forward the other extreme. Life isn't just about saying I'm at one extreme.

18:36How do I get to the other extreme? I'm negative. Let's get a positive. I'm not grateful. Let's be grateful. It doesn't work like that. That's too simple. The answer is far more gray. The answer is not black and white. The answer is not on one or the other side. So how can we really develop this mindset? The first is when you're grateful for what you have, you don't have to just be content. I think people mistake gratitude with saying, I don't want more, right? That's not what gratitude is. Gratitude is I appreciate where I am. I appreciate myself for how far I've come. If you're climbing up a mountain, half of the mountain, you're like, I'm grateful to myself for getting halfway up.

19:15You're going to get the energy. It's going to give you the boost you need to get the other half. Whereas if you're looking at it going, gosh, I've still got half left to go. I haven't achieved anything. Do you think that mindset's going to help? Rather than the mindset of this is amazing. I'm doing great. All right, let's push forward. Right? You can either motivate yourself out of love and compassion and gratitude, or you can motivate yourself out of fear and anxiety. Parking shouldn't slow you down. ParkWiz gives every driver a shortcut. Book ahead. Save up to 50 % and skip the hassle of circling the block.

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20:22probably do not realize are reducing their chances of success on apps. Whether you're single, dating, or just trying to be more intentional in love, Logan offers the kind of clarity we all need. Relationships do require work and the best relationships are people who really work on them together. They're so focused on if I find the perfect person, then I'll have the perfect relationship instead of understanding really that they can choose someone great and then build that relationship together. They don't need to keep searching for perfection. Listen to A Really Good Cry on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

20:56Now, fear and anxiety get you started. Don't get me wrong, they work, but they don't get you far. Fear and anxiety will get you started, but they won't get you far. Whereas love, gratitude will get you far on the journey of life. If you can talk to yourself with compassion, talk to yourself with grace, talk to yourself with love, you'll actually be able to push forward. Now, this is where it really shows up. And you might see this more in your friends, but I want you to notice in yourself, if you have a problem mindset, you're likely to discourage others. When others share their ideas, when others share their thoughts, you might be like, ah, that's never going to work.

21:33Oh, yeah, did you hear so-and-so starting an app? Oh, did you know that person started a podcast? Oh, did you know that person's trying out something? you know, whatever it may be, we'll find another way to constantly make it feel like that's not going to work. And I think we do that all the time. Sometimes we do it. Sometimes our friends do it. We kind of discount what is possible for other people. We talk down on other people's dreams. We make other people's beliefs feel like they're not going to work, right? I think this happens a lot and it happens to many many of us where we just don't realize how limiting we are of other people because we've developed a problem mindset or when your friend tells you an idea instead of thinking about how it could be good you think about all the problems you think you're helping and by the way telling someone the challenges they may face is a good thing but you're not also taking a moment to say well that could work that could happen what about this what about that and by the way the reason i'm saying this is i remember pitching my ideas to so many people who wrote me off and i've seen how easy it is to write other people off as well it doesn't take a brain cell to write someone off yet we all do it so a problem mindset person discourages others whereas a possibility mindset person talks about the possibilities hey have you thought about this possibility hey have you thought about this possibility by the way this possibility may be an obstacle or a challenge and this possibility may be a way out have you thought about it like this you're not telling them to do it or not to do it you're not also replying and just saying oh you're amazing this is the best idea i wish you all the best it's going to be incredible you don't want to lie to your friends either but think about that for a second right when and how can you help others as opposed to discourage others that's the problem versus the possibility mindset now Now, this one's a huge one.

23:35The problem mindset doesn't choose their words carefully. It chooses words carelessly. And the possibility mindset chooses thoughts and words extremely carefully. Look at the difference between this. You can either say, I can't do this, right? Or you can say, how can I do this? You can either say, it won't work. Or what can I do to make it work? Notice how you're not just saying, I can make anything work, I can do anything, right? You're not just lying to yourself and again, using these very empty statements. You're actually twisting the thought into a question. So instead of, I can't do this, asking yourself, how can I do this?

24:19Instead of saying, that won't work, what can I do to make it work? Notice how when you turn it into a question, you take responsibility for your journey. You take accountability for your journey. You take this purpose to do something about it. So one of my friends asked me the other day, they were like, Jay, does this thought stuff really work? Now, I think the reason why people think this thought stuff doesn't work is people think it's spiritual. And actually it's more coding than it is spiritual. When you say something to your brain, when you say something in your mind, you are simply coding, right?

24:57That's what it is. You're saying something that you're gonna repeat. and the question you want to ask yourself is is this coding is this repeated thought helping me get to where I want to get to chances are repeating I can't do this is not going to lead to something creative right chances of you saying this won't work means it probably won't work right that isn't going to happen so the question mark is can you do it by asking yourself the question right can you switch that mindset. Now, when you start to switch the thought to, how do I do this? How do I figure it out? Guess what? You start figuring it out.

25:34You start answering the question. When you start answering the question, you start seeing change, right? You start seeing change. So changing your thoughts is not just some spiritual activity. Changing your thoughts is rewiring your coding. Another thing you might find in the problem mindset of people around you is they think they're an expert, right? They think they're an expert. Whereas people of the possibility mindset think like a beginner. A lot of problem mindset people will be like, oh yeah, that won't work because of this, this and this. Oh yeah, I saw that once. Whereas a possibility mindset goes, I'm willing to learn.

26:10I'm ready to sit with masters to figure out what to do here, right? I'm willing to figure it out. And this also tips over to the next point, which is armchair philosophers. A lot of people, you may have a lot of friends who talk on WhatsApp groups, who talk on text groups. They're always just armchair philosophy. They don't take any action. They just talk big things. Whereas a possibility mindset finds people who are doing big things, right? Ask yourself, are you surrounded by people who talk about big things or are you surrounded by people who do big things? And what I mean by that is even people who do big things have to talk about them first.