7 Tips to Interact with Toxic Family Members During The Holidays (Pre- Party Practice)

0:00This is an iHeart Podcast.

0:04Parking shouldn't slow you down. ParkWiz gives every driver a shortcut. Book ahead, save up to 50 % and skip the hassle of circling the block. Park smarter, park faster. ParkWiz. Download the ParkWiz app today and save every time you park. I'm Radhi Dvlukia and I'm the host of a Really Good Cry podcast and I have the opportunity to talk to Logan Uri. If you're out there trying to date right now, being ghosted on Hinge or want to create a dating profile that gives you a solid chance of matching with someone you actually want to go on a date with, then this episode with Hinge's Director of Relationship Science, Logan Ury, is definitely for you.

0:39Relationships do require work. The best relationships are people who really work on them together. Listen to A Really Good Cry on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The children who need the most love often ask for it in the most unloving ways. What I find is that people who usually stir up trouble or have this toxic nature are often people who feel unloved or unheard or unseen themselves. Usually their comments about other people are a way of getting attention, a way of feeling superior or a way of feeling interesting.

1:21Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one mental health podcast in the world Thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to listen, learn and grow. It has been an incredible 2023. I want to thank you all for posting how On Purpose is your most listened to podcast this year, or even if it's second or third or fourth on your list. I love you. I appreciate you. I genuinely am so grateful for your love and support. And we're only getting started. We're only getting better. I want to make sure that you've subscribed to the podcast. Make sure that you've left a review.

2:03All of this helps podcasts and also means you'll never miss an episode. They did an iOS update recently, and it meant that your podcast app is not downloading the latest podcast immediately. So a lot of people were asking me, Jay, wait a minute, have you not uploaded a new podcast? No, we're uploading two new podcasts every single week, Monday and Friday. Every Monday, you're going to get a guest. Every Friday, you're going to get me. And I don't want you to miss out. And of course, we have over four and a half years of episodes for you to listen to, which means you could listen to an episode of On Purpose every day if that's what you want.

2:40Now, this episode is extremely timely. And I'm doing it because whenever I'm traveling, whenever I'm meeting lots of you, one of the biggest questions I get is, Jay, how do I deal with my family? My family creates so much toxicity in my life. My family creates so much negativity in my life. If that sounds like you, this episode is for you. Now, this isn't to say you don't love your family. The people that are saying this love their families. It's not that there is something hugely abusive that's happening, but there is a sense of discomfort. There's a sense of stress. There's a sense of pressure.

3:21This isn't just about general holiday pressure. This is about pressure from specific people you know you're going to have to spend time with. And that's why it gets particularly amplified during the holiday season because you almost have no way out. Maybe Christmas dinner is already set. Maybe New Year's Eve is already set. All of these things can lead to a lot of stress and pressure. A lot of that stress and pressure comes in the buildup, right? There's a lot of worry and anxiety that just kicks in in the buildup even before you've got to the day, what to speak of the day itself. So I hope that the next few tips that I'm going to share with you are going to help you lower that stress, deal with that anxiety better and learn how to navigate those situations.

4:15And I want to start off by sharing this. Think back to when you used to go clubbing and you're thinking, Jay, I still go clubbing. Got it. Understood. I used to go clubbing. But I remember when I used to, we would always do pre-drinks, right? Whether it was in someone's college dorm room, whether it was at someone's apartment, whether it was outside the club, right? Whatever was possible with our budget at the time. But there was always this idea of pre-drinks. And the idea of pre-drinks is it would get you in the zone. You'd get to hang out with everyone. It would be a more casual atmosphere.

4:52But it prepared you for the night. It prepared the tone. It prepared your mindset, right? Not even if you saw it that way, but that was the point of it. So what we need during the holidays is a pre-party practice. Instead of a pre-party drink session, we need a pre-party practice. If you've got a party to go to, if you've got an event to go to, if you've got your family's home to go to, you need to create a practice or a ritual that gets you in the right mindset. Now, for some of you, it could be breath work. This is a big one for me. I find that when I'm anxious, my breath is what gets out of control.

5:31now if you've read think like a monk or heard think like a monk you'll know this example but it's something that's worth repeating when i first saw a young monk teaching other younger monks on their first day of school when i asked him what he was teaching them he said he was teaching them how to breathe this obviously blew my mind because it was a 10 year old monk telling me this and i said to him why do you teach them how to breathe and he said well what did you learn at school and I was like I think I learned one two three and ABC and he said well we teach them how to breathe because the only thing that stays with you from the moment you're born to the moment you die is your breath and he said what changes when you're happy your breath what changes when you're sad your breath what changes when you're elated your breath and what changes when you're exhausted your breath.

6:28Your breath is intertwined with every emotion in your life. So if you learn how to navigate your breath, you can navigate life. Now this has had such a profound impact on me ever since I heard it because I started to recognize how all of my emotions had a different breath pattern. It's even why we use the language like you take my breath away or that was breathtaking, right or let me catch a breath i'm out of breath right breath is reconnected to all of those emotions so you may find that in the build-up to going out you start breathing shallower and you start breathing quicker now when that starts to happen it's natural to panic maybe you experience sweat maybe you need to talk to your partner or a loved one that's going to the event and you're just pouring out and struggling and stressing about it all.

7:23I've found that a pre-party practice of breath work can be huge. So what you want to practice is this, you want to breathe in for a count of four and you want to exhale for a count of more than four. You want your exhale to be longer than your inhale and that will slow your heart rate down. If you repeat that 10 times, you will feel your breath get deeper and you will feel your heart rate get slower as well. Try that out before as a pre-party practice. Now, another one of your pre-party practices, maybe for you, what really helps is listening to a song that puts you in a good mood. You're gonna get your dance on, right?

8:07Everyone's been doing the David Beckham challenge. You've probably seen me and my wife do it and I failed to get her to dance, but maybe you're gonna get your partner, maybe you're gonna dance, maybe you're gonna move. that can really get you in the right zone to put yourself in the mindset of, I'm gonna have fun tonight. I think there's two types of mindsets before you go somewhere. It's like, I'm either going to try to not have a bad time or I'm going to make sure it's a good time. And I think that often what we end up settling for is, I hope it's a good time. Now, there's a big difference between, I'm going to make it a good time, I hope it's a good time, or I'm going to avoid a bad time, right?

8:48They're very different mindsets. Let's walk down each of those. So the idea of, God, I hope it's not as bad as I think it's gonna be. The challenge with that is you are still leaving the success of the evening up to other people. So the idea of, I hope it's not as bad as I think it's gonna be, you're hoping. Hoping means you're helpless in how it's gonna go. You're saying you don't have any impact or any control or any skew or steer as to how this evening can go. You have surrendered yourself powerless and now you're walking into a space allowing for it to be what it's going to be. That doesn't work.

9:26We've all tried that before. The other way to do it is say, I hope it's going to be good. Now you're doing the opposite. At least you've added a positive twist to it. But again, you're still hoping. You're still allowing the circumstances and whatever happens in the environment to define how you feel. And the third is, I'm going to make today a great night. I'm going to make sure I have fun. I'm going to create opportunities for connection and fun. And this mindset, what it does is it takes your power back. Notice how this isn't positive thinking. This isn't fooling yourself. It's not tricking yourself.

10:03It's actually coming at it from the point of view of saying, you know what? I know myself. I understand myself. I accept that there are things tonight that are not going to be easy, but I still know how to have a good time. You're reclaiming your power. You're reclaiming your focus. And you're reclaiming your strength. And that's exactly what we need to do in these scenarios. Now, having done that, so you've got a pre-party practice, right? First of all, it could be refining your intention or your mindset as we just did. It could be doing the breathwork practice. It could be dancing, putting on a song you love, setting yourself up.

10:43So what you want to do is make sure that in your schedule, you have a pre-party practice set up for you to do. It sounds crazy, but I promise you it will help you so much. It could even be rehearsing your answers to the questions that you know you're going to get asked. So you know that annoying person in your family is going to say, when are you getting married? Or are you dating anyone yet? The relationship questions are often the hardest ones. Maybe you've just been through a breakup. Maybe you had a great relationship that didn't quite work out. Maybe you took someone over last year and this year you're not with them anymore.

11:17Maybe you're with someone, but you're not ready to get married. Maybe you don't want to get married, right? Maybe you don't want to have kids. Whatever it may be, you know what those questions are going to be. Having rehearsed answers, practiced answers, allows you to set yourself up to win. So often what I'll do is before an event, I'll write down the questions I'm most likely to get asked. almost like a FAQs, right? Frequently asked questions, like on a website. Write out your FAQs and then write out your answers practiced so that when the question is asked, which it inevitably will, you're not surprised by it.

11:54I think this is something that a lot of people make a mistake about where what we're doing is we're standing there the whole time hoping, don't ask me that question. Don't ask me that question. Oh, if he asked me that question, I'm going to flip out. Or if they go there, I'm going to, you know, I'm going to lose it. they are going to go there. They are going to go there. This is all about resetting expectations, right? They are going to go there. They are going to be annoying. They are going to be frustrating. They are going to be inappropriate. It will happen. And therefore you being prepared is far better than you setting yourself up for failure.

12:29And that's often what we do is we set ourselves up for failure because we hope and wish and wait rather than predict, plan and prepare. We don't want to hope, wish and wait and worry. That leads to worrying not only in the build-up but even on the evening. Whereas if we're prepared, predictive and planned, we're now ready to answer those questions. So make sure you write down the FAQs. Oh, you know, did you not get promoted this year? whatever it is, right? Write down those predictive questions and have your answers ready. Now, point number three is often, if it's been bubbling, especially, right?

13:10Like I know someone who is telling me that whenever they get asked about, you know, why they're not dating yet, it really gets under their skin because the truth is the reason why it triggers us is because we're struggling with it, right? If you're not struggling with something and someone criticizes you, it usually doesn't trigger you, right? If you don't care about how you dress and someone comments on what you're wearing, you won't care. But if you do care about the fact that you've been struggling in dating and someone says something, it triggers you much worse, right? It's natural. And they were saying to me that whenever they got asked this question, it really irks them.

13:44And they just want this person to understand that it's inappropriate to ask that. Now, I agree that people ask and say things that I wish they didn't say. And I agree that often it is malicious. It's not like it's something you just have to let go of. But what I've discovered is that family gatherings are rarely the place to fix or fight things out, right? It's rarely the place that you're going to have a healthy debate and a discussion that leads to a resolution. Because emotions are high for everyone. Everyone is worrying about what everyone else is thinking of them. And often the person who tries to solve the problem ends up looking like the problem, right?

14:32Have you ever experienced that before where you're the one trying to solve the problem, but you end up looking like the problem. And now everyone thinks that you ruined Christmas, right? Like that. And that isn't true. It's not right. But it is human psychology because everyone feels like they're on display. They're trying to have a good time. The person who gets triggered, even if it's truly valid, isn't going to be seen as the person who's fixing. They're going to be seen as the person who's fighting it out. And so what I often find is that in this scenario, if you can remind yourself, hey, if I want to fix this, I need to approach it at a different time.

15:08If I want to fight it out, I need to approach it at a different time. It's not always the right time to fix something. And it's not always the right time to fight something. And fixing and fighting about something is far more about timing than we give it credit for. We don't lose fights because we're bad at fighting. We often lose fights because we get our timing wrong, right? It's not that you're bad at fighting, it's that you're bad at timing. It's not that you're bad at fixing, it's that you're bad at timing. And I find this over and over and over again, where we don't time conversations effectively.

15:49Think about this in general in life, right? Like someone walks through the door, you say something to them immediately. You wake up in the morning, someone says something to you immediately. Most of our conversations that are uncomfortable are had at the wrong time. And if you can get the timing right, which isn't the holiday dinner, which isn't the holiday event, chances are you may be able to get to some resolution. So don't try and fix it and fight it out at a time when it's not the right time. And I'm repeating this because I know you're going to need to hear me in your head when you're in that moment, because guess what?

16:23When you're valid, when you know that it's right for you to raise this and push this and make something known, and you're also thinking, well, everyone just needs to realize this person's wrong. And you think, this is it. This is my moment, right? We've all been there. And by the way, I've been there too. I've made this mistake many times. This segment about connectivity is brought to you by AT &T. AT &T believes connecting changes everything. Do you struggle to connect with others? Sometimes past experiences like feeling left out, tough times or messy relationships can make us throw up these walls we might not even notice.

17:00And guess what? These walls end up isolating us from the very people we want close. Especially now with everyone working from different places and all over the map, staying close to others matters more than ever. It's not just about casual interaction, it's about fostering a sense of belonging, empathy and shared understanding in a world that's increasingly interconnected yet emotionally distant. Staying connected especially when miles apart has become more accessible than ever. Here are some ways to keep those meaningful connections alive no matter the distance. 1. Video conferencing Apps like FaceTime, WhatsApp, Zoom and Skype are your portal to a more connected world.

17:40From daily catch-ups with loved ones to brainstorming sessions with colleagues, these moments bridge that physical gap and remind us that we're not alone. 2. Hosting virtual events Ever thought about live streaming special events like birthdays, anniversaries or even weddings? It's all possible with the use of video platforms. But it's not just about the big moments. Plan a virtual hangout with friends for a book club session or maybe doing an online games night. It's like bringing the fun right into your living room, no matter where everyone actually is. Number three, create a Netflix party. Movie nights with friends and family take on a whole new vibe with Netflix party.

18:17Sync up your shows and chat away in a group chat while watching together. It's like having a cozy movie night but with everyone sprawled across different couches. Number four, seek support online. Feeling down or anxious, you're not alone. Online therapy is a powerful resource to lean on when things get tough. Connecting with an online therapist can offer that support and guidance you need even when physical closeness isn't an option. I hope these tools can help you build meaningful connections with the people around you and decrease any sense or feeling of isolation. This has been brought to you by AT &T.

18:51AT &T believes connecting inspires, unites, heals, and helps us grow. Connecting changes how we live our lives for the better. Number four, really important. Make someone else aware who can have your back. I think in these moments where you're not going to defend yourself or fight it or fix it out it's great to have someone else who has your back and nixes it so if you've told a family member or a friend and said look I really don't appreciate being asked these questions when someone asks me and I you see me get a bit uncomfortable and you know it's hard for me to just let it slide do you mind just stepping in and say hey yeah you know like they're doing great at work right now well you know, actually things are going great.

19:33Like, you know, let's talk about this and they can change the topic. So they're also not ruining the vibe, but that they can step in and help you. And I think we often are scared to ask for help. And then afterwards we'll look at someone and say, well, why didn't you say anything? And they'll say, well, I didn't know you wanted me to run to your defense. I didn't want to feel like you needed support. Right. So that idea of why, you know, we don't ask for help. And then afterwards we'll be like, well, why didn't you help me? And the person says, well, I didn't know you needed it. So selecting your allies, right?

20:05Selecting your allies and communicating with them beforehand. This is a strategy that's often used in business meetings where if you're presenting a new idea or you know you're going to have to respond to an idea, you've already got everyone's buy-in in the room so that when you present it or when you respond, people are already on side. And often in our families, we don't realize how much people need to know this and how much people need to be aware. So feel free to speak to a couple of people and say, look, I find this really uncomfortable and I'm not asking you to save the day. I'm not asking you to interject and create a scene either, but I'd love for you to help me to just redirect the conversation, right?

20:43This can be a huge, huge win for you and it makes it easier on the other person as well because they kind of get the message through other people. Now, the next one I'm going to share with you may be a slightly risky strategy, but it's something that's worth considering. It's inspired by this beautiful quote from Russell Barkley where he said that the children who need the most love often ask for it in the most unloving ways. What I find is that people who usually stir up trouble or have this toxic nature in a setting are often people who feel unloved or unheard or unseen themselves. And usually their comments about other people are a way of getting attention, a way of feeling superior, or a way of feeling interesting.

21:36And while our job is not to think that's okay or condone it, we can look at that and recognize that this person is feeling unvalidated, this person is feeling unimportant, and this person is probably feeling insignificant. and we see this again and again and again and what's really interesting about this is i've often seen that if i can be thoughtfully genuinely loving toward this individual then there may be an opportunity that's if i have the ability to do that you may say jay i have no ability to do that totally respect it but if I can if I can I have found that it can actually be revolutionary for my relationship with them so I try my best in every scenario that I'm in to say okay how do I demonstrate love and affection to this person in a genuine way not in a fake way not as a technique maybe I'm going to compliment something they're wearing maybe I'm going to congratulate them on the news that I heard about them.

22:50Maybe I'm going to ask them a question that's open and then acknowledge the greatness or something good about what they've done, right? And what that does is it gives that person an opportunity. Now, if you do this with an expectation that, oh, this person's now going to be nice to me, that's going to set you up for failure because they may not. But what it does is it sets them up with an opportunity to show you that they may not feel that way anymore, that they may have not changed, but you may set them off on a different track. And I'm not saying that you have the power to do this and that you can do it and all that kind of stuff, but it's worth a shot.

23:31It's worth the opportunity to compliment them, congratulate them, connect with them on something, give it an opportunity. I know some of you are thinking, I've already tried this before and they're still the same person. I get it, totally fair but give it a go give it a go because you might proactively be able to alter the direction of the evening simply by showing them some affection in a genuine way not as a technique parking shouldn't slow you down park whiz gives every driver a shortcut book ahead save up to 50 and skip the hassle of circling the block park smarter park faster park whiz download the park WhatsApp today and save every time you park.

24:12I'm Radhi Dvlukia and I'm the host of a Really Good Cry podcast and I have the opportunity to talk to Logan Uri. Logan is a dating expert, a behavioral scientist, a best-selling author and someone who is seriously changing the way we think about love and dating. In our conversation we talk all things dating that Logan has studied and tested from what to put in your dating profile, the pictures you should and shouldn't be using, to the conversation starters that actually work and the huge no-nos that people probably do not realize are reducing their chances of success on apps. Whether you're single, dating, or just trying to be more intentional in love, Logan offers the kind of clarity we all need.

24:48Relationships do require work and the best relationships are people who really work on them together. They're so focused on if I find the perfect person, then I'll have the perfect relationship instead of understanding really that they can choose someone great and then build that relationship together. They don't need to keep searching for perfection. Listen to A Really Good Cry on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Now, a couple more tips that I want to share with you. This one's really important. It's okay to vent afterwards. If you had a painful night, people weren't loving, you know, people said things they shouldn't have said, someone commented about something that really rubbed you the wrong way it's so okay to vent afterwards I think a lot of us also guilt ourselves we go I should be grateful for family and I should be grateful for everything around me and I think this is kind of where the gratitude movement can go wrong where we go well I just have to be grateful for everything don't I because you know I had Christmas dinner and I could be with my family I should be grateful for that shouldn't I and I think so many of us get trapped in this false sense of gratitude where we're not acknowledging how we genuinely feel if you need to vent if you need to talk about it if you need to let it out be grateful for the fact that you have a friend or a family member to do that with but don't use gratitude as a way to suppress your feelings don't use gratitude as a way to put your emotions aside and gloss over them because what happens is when we do that that's when we erupt so most of the time when we erupt in a family dinner or a meeting is because we've been trying to convince ourselves like i should be grateful.

26:21I should be thankful. I should be okay. Okay. I should be fine. And it's almost like you're trying to put a lid on something, but it keeps popping off, right? You're trying to put the lid, you're trying to hold it down so bad, but it's just trying to get out. So some of you may be able to genuinely be like, no, I am grateful and I can let this go. But for some of you who it's been repetitive for, who it's continued to kind of build up for, that may be challenging. That may be difficult. And so I want you to give yourself the space to vent afterwards. Now, a few things that are important. You want to pick someone that's loyal and private.

26:55You don't want to speak to someone who you know is going to go and tell that person or go and stir and create more issues. We've all been there with family as well. Find the person that you're thinking, okay, I can trust this person. They're not going to go and tell anyone else. Second of all, you want to find someone who is wanting to support you both when you're in the space and outside of the space because you need someone who themselves recognizes that it's a challenge right you don't want it to be someone who's trying to walk you out of it talk you out of it especially if it's got really really bad and the other thing i say the reason why i say vent afterwards is because often what we do is we vent before.