7 Ways to Train Your Brain to Go From Insecurity to Confidence

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2:28I'm sure there's so many of you this year that have so many dreams, so many goals, so many aspirations. There are probably so many things that you want to achieve, learn conquer grow master or even just experience and the thing that's standing in your way is your doubt your insecurity your scarcity you might have the doubt I'm not good enough for that I'm not ready for that yet or you might have the insecurity I'm sure they'll give it to someone else. I'm sure someone else will beat me to that job, that promotion, whatever it may be. Or you may just have scarcity. There's not enough for me and I'm not enough.

3:21These feelings can make it harder for us to relate to people in our personal life, to connect with people at work, to actually thrive. And often we see people who may not be as smart, who may not be as talented, but they're just confident. Have you seen that before? When you look at someone, you think, wait a minute, I know for a fact that I might actually know a little more than you. I actually know that I work really, really hard, but for some reason you have confidence and I don't. And you might see that all around you where you look around and you think, wait a minute, how is it that you're moving ahead?

4:04How is it that you made that happen? And I find it's because some people are coming from a place of insecurity, which you can feel energetically from them, right? Have you ever felt insecure internally and everyone in the room could sense that? or even if they couldn't, you felt they could. And that made you less confident, less courageous, less brave, less bold in that room. And at the same time, we have people in our life where you can sense that our ideas are not taken as seriously because we come across as insecure. We come across as doubtful. Whenever you share one of your ideas, you will say something like, Like, look, this may not be the best idea, right?

4:55As soon as you've said that, what's everyone thinking? Oh, well, it may not be the best idea. Or maybe you say something like, look, I know this might be a stupid question. Guess what? Now everyone thinks you're going to ask a stupid question. And maybe people even reply to you by saying, look, there's no such thing as a stupid question, but now everyone's thinking it. You were going to ask a really great question. Chances are everyone in that room was thinking about the question you were going to ask. But because of your precursor, you've now set people up to doubt you, to feel differently about you.

5:31Maybe you say something like, look, I've been thinking about this. I'm not sure, but I'm thinking about it. Now, I'm not saying that you want to lie and say you're sure about something and it's the best idea ever. But what if you let the thoughts, the analysis, the assessment of what you're about to share happen live and in real time before you give a disclaimer. As soon as you've given the disclaimer, you've put the doubt, you've put the insecurity into other people's minds, which came from you because you had an insecurity about what you were going to say. And chances are you were about to have a great idea.

6:09Chances are you were about to say something that's actually really helpful, useful, and something everyone needed to hear. And I've seen this time and time again, that when we add disclaimers, when we add precursors, we're the ones who end up losing out because we're the ones planting the seed of doubt in our own idea. So today, I want to give you seven steps that are going to help you grow from insecurity to confidence. This isn't about faking it. It's not about lying. It's not about manipulating. It's about having enough trust in yourself that the experience that you've garnered, the experience you've lived in life, the amount of meetings you've sat in, the amount of conversations you've had, I want you to learn to trust that you have a level of intelligence which grants you a seat at the table.

7:07You do not need to feel that you're crawling under the table. You do not need to feel that you've been given a seat at the table. You have a seat at the table because you've earned it. You're in that room because you've earned it. You're in that meeting because you've earned it. You belong in that room. There is a seat with your name on it for a reason. but when you're the person yourself who's kind of sitting away from the table, putting the seat aside and acting as if you don't belong, it creates distance. It creates a fracture in that communication. So what if I told you the reason you're insecure isn't because you lack confidence but because your brain is stuck in survival mode.

7:56Insecurity isn't about being weak, it's your body's response to risk. But here's the secret, you can retrain your brain to stop feeling threatened all the time. I'm sure you're ready to learn how. Let's dive in with step one. Train your brain to stop seeing life as a threat We have to turn off our threat detection system See in the past it made sense Our brains are hardwired to protect us from danger This is part of an ancient survival mechanism When we feel insecure It's often because our brain is perceiving a situation as a potential threat So we think that there's a lion in the bushes There's a snake in the grass There's a hunter coming from a nearby village Whatever it may be And here's the plot twist Your brain is often overreacting Your brain is overreacting There isn't a lion in the bush There isn't a snake in the grass So what we need to do Is we need to learn to recognize How to rate threats and we have to learn how to rate threats when we're not in the threat.

9:15What I mean by that is, if I ask you to rate a threat on a scale of zero to 10, when you're about to experience it, it will always feel like a 10, right? In the moment that you stub your toe or trap your finger into a door hinge, right? Even thought of that, you're like, that's a 10. But let's be honest, it's not a 10 in the pains of life, right? There's things that are far more painful than both of those. But in the moment, you'd give it a 10. So we have to rate things outside of the moment. So let's look at rating the idea of sharing something at work that you might think will be seen or perceived as a bad idea.

9:57Let's rate it when we're not in that position. What's the worst that could happen if you shared something and people didn't get it or didn't understand it? Maybe a three, a four, five. Or maybe you're listening to me right now and going, Jay, that's a nine for me, right? I'm so scared by that. So now let's reframe. Instead of letting your brain trigger fear in situations that don't actually put you at risk, Let's use mindfulness to recognize and reframe these reactions. By simply observing the thought, I feel anxious because of this meeting or this conversation, you can activate your prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain that controls rational thinking, and override the amygdala which controls the fight or flight response.

10:54So let me give you an example. you're preparing for a meeting, your brain immediately starts firing off signals of danger, even though the meeting is not life-threatening. And instead of panicking, you pause, take a breath and tell yourself, this is not a threat. This is an opportunity. You've trained your brain to stop seeing every challenge as a risk. And now you can actually use that energy that's often wasted in threat management into growth management. You can now actually switch from worrying about that moment to actually saying to yourself, well, now we can get ready. Now we can actually get it right.

11:41Now I can actually communicate in a way that will resonate with people where I'm not giving disclaimers and precursors and that will actually connect. Try it out for me And let me know how it goes Tell me in your stories Tell me in the comment section On one of our Instagram posts Post about it Let me know how that worked for you Stop and turn off that threat detection system Set a rating And be clear about it I couldn't be more excited To share something truly special With all you tea lovers out there And even if you don't love tea If you love refreshing, rejuvenating, refueling sodas That are good for you listen to this.

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14:01I first found out about my cancer on my birthday at the age of 45. Found out my cancer has spread to my pelvic bone. And from there, life just changed. About one in eight men will be diagnosed with prostate cancer during their lifetime, and the risk increases with age. Anything with cancer, you just think death sentence. And the only thing I could think about was, who's going to take care of my family? You have to go out there and build your support system. You got to build your team. In this episode, we'll explore the science behind detection, along with the practical steps men can take to protect their health.

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15:36The audio transmitter also allows for JBL Spatial 360 sound that takes any audio and turns it into a 360 immersive experience. What more could you want? First doesn't follow. Grab a pair at jbl.com. The second thing I want you to learn to do is harness your unconscious competence. There are four stages of learning. Now, have you ever learned something new and felt you were horrible at it? Only to get to a point where it becomes second nature. That is the principle of unconscious competence. You're more capable than you think, but it's hidden in plain sight. The problem is we often don't acknowledge our progress.

16:19So the first layer that we start at is called unconscious incompetence. You're unaware of the things you're not even very good at, right? We actually don't know our blind spots. They're called blind spots for a reason. There are lots of things that we don't know that we're good at. But let's say we say to ourselves, you know what? this is the year I'm going to learn how to build good habits. This is the year I'm going to develop a reading habit. This is the year that I'm going to develop a meditation habit. This is the year that I'm going to quit sugar. This is the year that I'm going to work out every day.

16:51Now you rise to something known as conscious incompetence. You don't just go to developing that habit. You actually have to live through the experience of being consciously incompetent. What does that mean? It means you're aware of your incompetence You're aware of the fact that you can't do something that you're not good at it You're aware of it now you tried to build a habit at the start of this year And now you've realized you couldn't You tried to work out every day this year and you realized it wasn't that easy You tried to meditate every day this year and you struggled And this is a natural realization there is no one who has mastered a skill who hasn't had to experience this.

17:39There was a day you shifted from unconscious incompetence to conscious incompetence. You went from being unaware to being aware and this is actually a really painful thing. I want to acknowledge this. This is a really painful thing because we want to go from not knowing something to knowing it. We don't want to go from not knowing something to knowing that we don't know it and that we're not good at it either. It's actually a really hard stage. And the majority of people will duck out at this point, because they don't want to live with the rejection, they don't want to live with the failure, they don't want to live with the pain of the realization that we don't know.

18:18Let's say you said, hey, I'm going to take on this extra task at work. I'm going to learn project management, I'm going to learn social media, I'm going to learn about AI. And then all of a sudden, you start reading a book, you start reading a article, you start, you know, going through some sort of guide and you go, wow, I know nothing. I know nothing. Now what happens? When you stick it through, right? When you push forward, and this is a really, really important thing. When you push through, what happens is you get to conscious competence. You keep working, you keep practicing, you keep developing, and now you know what it takes to perform well.

19:01You know how much focus is required, how much discipline is required, how much energy is required. And all of a sudden, you start to understand. But you're dependent on a certain environment, a certain set of skills, a certain set of parameters, boundaries to be able to perform at that level, right? And then finally, you get to something known as unconscious competence. This means you've become I'm so good at it that it's second nature. You don't even think about it. You're not even aware of it. So here's what I wanted you to do practically. I want you to identify something you do well, but you don't actually recognize as a skill.

19:45Maybe you're amazing at organizing, problem solving. Maybe you're great at making people laugh. Use that as your starting point for confidence. Acknowledge that you already have skills at a deep level and that you're more skilled than your insecurities suggest. Because what happens is when you go through this process, that's when you honor your skills. Skills that you have where you haven't gone through this process consciously, that's the ones that you undervalue. We undervalue skills that we have naturally and we overvalue skills that we don't have naturally. If you don't have a skill and someone else has it, you think, oh my God, they're so talented.

20:26It's a gift from God. they must be amazing. I could never be that. I could never do that. Not true. It's just that you haven't gone on that journey. People look at you and feel the same thing, I promise you. Even check in with your friends and say, what do you think I'm great at that I don't even acknowledge sometimes? I'm sure they'll say something to you, right? I'll give an example. Let's say you've been feeling insecure about your career progress. But remember, you've probably been successfully managing multiple projects or influencing others for years without even noticing it. I want you to tap into that unconscious competence you already have and then go on that journey from unconscious incompetence to conscious incompetence to conscious competence to unconscious competence with the skill that you want to develop and learn.

21:17I promise you when you go through that journey, it will build so much strength and courage, but start with something you already have. Step number three. I want you to face your fear of not being seen. This is something known as the spotlight effect. The spotlight effect tells us that we tend to believe others are scrutinizing us far more than they actually are. It's a classic insecurity trigger. Everyone is watching me fail, right? We've all felt that. Oh my gosh, I just tripped over. Everyone saw that. Oh, I asked that silly question in the meeting. Everyone saw that. Oh, my boss didn't quite get the project I handed in.

21:59Everyone saw that. You know, I was late today. Everyone saw that. The truth, people are too focused on their own lives to scrutinize yours. While you're worrying about how you're seen, everyone is worrying about how they're seen. Every single person in that room is evaluating, critiquing assessing themselves as they talk and yes they might think about you for 10 % of the time if that but for 90 % of the time they are hyper focused on themselves so the trick is to stop hyper focusing on yourself redirect your attention outward rather than fixating on how you're being perceived, start paying attention to others.

22:48Listen, engage, ask questions. The more you make other people the focus of your attention, the less you feel trapped in the spotlight of self-doubt. People think being confident means being interesting. Sometimes the best way to feel confident is to be interested. Be interested instead of trying to be interesting and you will be more confident. Conversation will flow. Natural questions will come up. When you're trying to tell a funny story, right, let's talk about this. You meet someone new, you're out with friends, and there's some new people at the table you haven't met. You try to tell a funny story to come across relatable.

23:31No one really laughs. And now you're sitting there going, oh my gosh, they think I'm a loser. I'm not funny. I didn't say anything relatable. What do I say next? Guess what? You've just not listened to them. You've literally missed words that have come out of their mouth, what they've said, how they feel. And now it's back to your turn. And guess what? You try and tell another story. You try and say something else. And maybe this time you try and make it meaningful. And again, maybe you get a reaction, maybe you don't. And now you go back into self-analysis mode. Okay. They didn't laugh at me.

24:02They didn't think I was that meaningful. thought, okay, maybe I should just, what should I do now? Guess what? You've missed what they said again. If you just listened, asked a question, maybe replied with a comment, built up some confidence, built up some trust, built up some reciprocal rapport. And then you told that story. Now you have so much more to go on. I was at dinner the other night and I noticed how one person at the table just kept making it about themselves and everyone else would go quiet because the person was quite dominant. And I could see that this conversation was just turning into them making it a therapy session for themselves.

24:41And so acknowledging their feelings and empathetically responding to them, I would then open the question up and try and ask the person to my left a question, the person opposite me, the person to my right. And what I found is that I also didn't want to be that person. I didn't want to be the person who is directing or driving the conversation to be around me. I wanted to learn about everyone. I wanted everyone to be a part of the conversation. And I felt so confident doing that. But if I would have just tried to be confident by making myself the central focus, I'd actually be more scared. I'd be more worried.

25:17Take yourself out of the spotlight. Put the spotlight onto others and you won't be as scared. Step number four, understand the power of sunk cost fallacy. I remember studying economics and I remember this behavioral economics term called the sunk cost fallacy. It's when we continue doing something because we've already invested time, money, or effort, even when it's clearly not serving us. Insecurity often thrives when you feel like you've failed in some way and you can't back out now. It traps you in the belief that you're stuck. I'll give you a few examples. Let's say you studied something at college and even though you hate it, Even though you don't want to do your career in it, you don't like your job, you still keep doing it because you have sunk cost fallacy.

26:09Maybe you invested in something a few years ago. It's not going that well. You're never going to see a return, but you keep investing in it because of sunk cost fallacy. That's how it works. Now, what you have to do in this scenario is recognize when you're holding on to a situation or mindset that no longer serves you just because of past investment. Give yourself permission to walk away from anything that's draining your energy. Whether it's a toxic relationship, a career that no longer excites you, or a self-image that's outdated. I find that last one to be the most interesting. Going away from a self-image that's outdated.

26:53It's okay. Our insecurity stems from the fact we keep investing in things that we know don't work. and in turn that makes us less confident. In turn it makes us value ourselves less because whatever we're doing is not growing in value. You've been in your job for years and while it once felt like the perfect fit, it's no longer fulfilling but you stay because of all the years you've invested and that is what ruins your confidence. It makes you more insecure, it makes you more self-conscious, it makes you more self-critical and judgmental because things are not going well and you keep putting pressure on yourself.

27:32So how do you change? You recognize it's okay to invest differently. It's okay to reallocate that time, that energy, that money, whatever it was. Because guess what? When you do that, you can reap another reward. Step five, we have to reclaim our control with our locus of control Let me explain what that means Your locus of control is a concept in psychology That refers to whether you believe outcomes in your life Are under your control or dictated by external forces Insecurity comes from feeling like you have no control or that everything depends on luck or others. We say things like, yeah, if the universe wants.

28:26Yeah, if my boss realizes it. Yeah, if my partner gets there one day. We're outsourcing, postponing, and post-dating our own life. We're hoping, wishing, wanting, waiting for something to change without focusing on our own agency and the autonomy that we have. Shift your mindset on what you can control. What action can you switch? What conversation can you have? What attitude can you develop? Stop waiting for others to validate your worth or success. When you fully embrace that, you're in control. Insecurity has nowhere to take root. Insecurity takes root when we keep repeating things like, yeah, it's up to them.