8 Signs You Are Subtle Settling In Your Relationship & Overcome the Fear of Being Alone

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0:50She's seen Encanto more times than she can count. And she can count to 10. She mentioned Mirabel in every conversation. but the moment she actually met Mirabel, she was speechless. That's pura magia. Find yours at Walt Disney World Resort. Five years, 10 months, and two days. That's how long it took to grow the 38 inches to ride on Cali River Rapids. But the moment the wait finally ended, that was pura magia. Discover it at Walt Disney World Resort. You can't shame or blame your partner into change. You can only inspire them into change. You can only engage them into change. So you pointing out all their flaws, you pointing out all their weaknesses isn't going to solve the problem.

1:37The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow. Now, today's episode is inspired by so many conversations I've had this week, whether it's with friends, family members, clients, people I've been talking to. And what I've realized is that there's this feeling of, am I settling? I know a lot of people in relationships right now who are not sure whether they're with the right person, whether they're with their person, or whether they're with a person that they want to spend the rest of their life with.

2:26But at the same time, they're worried about being alone. They're concerned about having to be out there again. A lot of people are nervous and anxious around dating right now. And I know you're either one of those people or you know one of those people, or you're thinking of someone right now. And this general belief around subtle settling is if you don't feel passionate for your partner anymore or you don't feel excited about them anymore. And I want to really look at that closely because I don't believe that a lack of excitement currently or a lack of passion currently are good enough signs that you're settling.

3:06And I want to talk about how passion and excitement can actually be created and also be lost and diminished. so this episode is for you or your friend if you think someone's settling this episode is for you if you want to make sure you never settle and know what it takes to create a healthy meaningful relationship and this episode is for you if you just feel like you've lost the spark you've lost your way and you want to get it back i'm going to give you a set of questions that are going to help you reflect through this you can even share this episode with a friend or you can discuss it with them and answer these questions together.

3:45So the first question to figure out whether you're subtle settling, and I think this subtle settling point is really important because you know when you're settling, right? When you've like totally settled and you're like, oh, I'm really compromising here. But subtle settling is this idea of, well, I kind of don't know. I'm not really sure. Maybe it'll be okay? And that's why these questions are so important. So the first question is, do you feel like you can truly be yourself? Now, what does it mean to be yourself? This is a really important question for you to answer on your own. What do you think it means to be yourself?

4:28Does it mean to be goofy? Does it mean to be fun? Does it mean to be silly? Does it mean to be serious and deep and profound doesn't mean to be both of those things. I was talking to a friend the other day and she was saying that this guy that she's kind of seeing just started following her on Instagram and she was scared because on Instagram she feels like she's really herself. She's funny, she's silly, she's goofy and she was thinking oh gosh now that he follows me is that going to affect our dating and then she realized she said well actually it's good that he's seeing it because then he knows the real me.

5:03He knows who he's going to come home to. He knows who he's going to catch up with. He knows the kind of person I truly am. And if he doesn't want to be with that version of me, then it's going to be hard for him to be with me. Now that takes a lot of confidence. It takes a lot of courage to be able to say that, but it is true. How many of you, and be honest with yourself, how many of you have hidden parts of yourself so that people like you more? How many of you have underplayed parts of yourself so that people like you more? How many of you have limited, held back, given less of yourself so that people like you more?

5:46We mold, we shape shift, we transform because we want people to like us. But in that process, we diminish, lose, and restrict parts of our best selves. And what we don't realize is the person we want to be with will like us for all of us and be okay with the parts that they don't like but recognize they're a part of us as opposed to trying to find someone who likes certain things about us and doesn't even know about the other things about us. And I know it's hard. We want that person in our life so bad. We're so attracted to them. We're such people pleasers. We want that person to like us no matter what the cost is.

6:36But we don't realize that we lose ourselves by trying to get someone else to like us. We lose ourselves by trying to get someone else to love us. We lose ourselves by trying to find someone else And so I want to remind you Can you be all parts of yourself with this individual? And here's the important part They don't have to understand all of you They don't even have to like all of it They just have to know that that's who you are They have to be okay with it And we have to have the same back And I think that's one of the things we've lost we think that the person that loves us will love all of us.

7:20Now, the truth is that someone can love all of you, but still not resonate with all of you and may not understand all of it. And that's natural. But you have to feel like you can be yourself and you have to feel like you're allowing that person to be themselves. Because I think one of the things we miss out on is we don't realize the amount of pressure we put on someone else to also behave in ways that we like. We don't realize how much pressure and judgment we place on others that they're scared of showing that part of themselves. I have a guy friend of mine who's so scared of showing his softer vulnerable side because he thinks his partner just wants the alpha, wants the kind of like tough exterior version of him.

8:05Now, I'm not saying that he's read his partner right or that he's sure about that, but it's interesting that he also feels that he's holding parts of himself back because they're not invited. What parts of your partner are you not inviting forward? What parts of your partner are you not allowing to come through? Think about that. So, are you being all of yourself and are you allowing your partner to be all of themselves? that's an important part of recognizing you're not settling. Point number two, do you discuss important things in a healthy way? Now, so many of us have got so used to drama. We've got so used to anxiety.

8:48We've got so used to arguments that if you're having peaceful, thoughtful discussions, we undervalue them. We underestimate them. We think, where's the drama? Where's the passion, right? It's interesting how when you're having a debate, there's passion. It can be exciting. It can even be exhilarating. When you're having an argument, that can be kind of like a turn on. But we don't realize that if all of that's done in an unhealthy way, then that passion we're also feeling is somewhat unhealthy. Sometimes peace doesn't feel like passion. Peace feels like security. Peace feels like stability. peace feels like sureness peace feels like energizing but not necessarily intoxicating and i think so many of us have got lost in that belief of wanting something intoxicating that we lose the thing that's energizing and enlivening so do you discuss important things in a healthy way now here's what i've realized a lot of the challenges i see in couples can be broken down into two things.

9:59The first is one person has unrealistic expectations. Now, both people can have unrealistic expectations, but generally I find one person has unrealistic expectations. Like, I want them to be ambitious and I want them to be available all of the time. Listen up. There is no one who is ambitious who is available all the time. Or we want someone who's super organized and super spontaneous. Those two things don't always go together. Or we want someone who's really, really kind and really, really caring, but then we also want them to be in control. I'm not saying these things are impossible, but sometimes we have really unrealistic expectations where we've genuinely put two polar opposite values and demands into place.

10:50And now when our partner's one of them, we're like, well, wait a minute, why are you not the other? and then when the partner's the other one, we're like, wait a minute, why are you not the other thing? And that just goes on and on and on and it just keeps repeating itself. It keeps going crazy and it doesn't really help us. So do you discuss important things in a healthy way? Now, that was one of the issues that people had. The other issue that I find is the lack of emotional availability, the lack of vulnerability, the lack of being able to talk things through, the lack of having a transparent conversation what i find is those are generally the roots to a lot of the reasons why we don't have healthy conversations one is because someone's demanding something unrealistic the other is because someone's not open enough to have that conversation i want to throw this out there if your partner is not good at having vulnerable open honest conversations about how they're feeling you telling them that they're not vulnerable telling them and targeting them, saying that they're not open and telling them that they're not curious enough, they're not thoughtful enough, isn't going to inspire them to become that way.

11:59We have to learn to inspire our partners to be that person, not interrogate, investigate, and push them to be that person. Most of us are trying to blame our partners into change. We're trying to shame our partners into change. Here's a true story. You can't shame or blame your partner into change. You can only inspire them into change. You can only engage them into change. You can't blame and shame them into change. So you pointing out all their flaws, you pointing out all their weaknesses isn't going to solve the problem. it isn't going to fix the challenge that they're facing you have to ask yourself am i inspiring this person am i helping them with this change am i encouraging them or really am i just becoming their parent am i just pushing them around am i just forcing them to change that's not discussing things in a healthy way we say wait a minute i laid out the roadmap for them i told them exactly what they needed to do i told them exactly what i wanted well by the way that doesn't sound like a partnership.

13:11It sounds like ownership, right? So I want you to really think about that. If you want your partner to think about something, to be a certain way that you think is useful for the relationship, you have to think about how that's inspired, how that's encouraged. That's how I coach things. You don't want to fear them into it. You don't want it to be an ultimatum, right? Now, at the same time, if you're the person who's looking at your partner and just thinking wow they have some unrealistic expectations of me i'll never be that i think it's really important to sit them down and have a conversation and say that's not who i plan to be this is who i plan to be and by the way in order to do that you need to be clear on who you plan to be and a lot of us in order to stay with the person and just keep you know pacifying them we're like oh yeah i'll do that little thing oh yeah yeah i'll apply for that job oh yeah yeah i'll work a little harder and guess what, it lasts for a couple of weeks and then we don't want to be that person anymore.

14:08So don't pretend to say you're going to become someone that you don't want to be because your partner wants you to be them. So much is lost in the pretending to be the person our partner wants us to be, whether it's pretending to be more vulnerable and open or whether it's pretending to be someone we're not. Now, I'm not saying we go the other way and say, I'm not going to do anything. I'm not going to change. I'm not going to grow. I'm not going to evolve. we're trying to inspire change and we're trying to be honest about how fast we can change hey everyone it's Jay here my wife and I have had so much fun creating our own sparkling tea Juni and I've got big news for you it's at Target and we'd love your support if you can go out grab a Juni you'll be adding adaptogens and nootropics into your life with mood boosting properties aimed at promoting a balanced and happy mind.

15:02Through our commitment to our wellness journey and striving to fuel our bodies with the healthiest ingredients, it's been our purpose to make healthy choices accessible for all, which is why Junie is now on shelves at Target. So head to our store locator at drinkjunie.com and find Junie at a Target near you. Number three to check whether you're subtle settling. Do you respect how they treat you? Do you respect how they talk to you? This isn't like, do they throw rose petals at the ground you walk on, right? It's, do you feel a sense of respect? And what do you measure as respect? And do they know that you measure that as a sign of respect?

15:46Most of us respect one thing and we measure that thing in our partner. But guess what? They respect another thing and they're measuring that. So often in our relationships, our respect languages are different. imagine you're measuring analyzing and observing a completely different thing in another person imagine someone was observing how you're dressed and the other person's observing your accent you're both measuring completely different things and then you're making a decision about whether that person is good or not that's kind of what we're doing and getting mixed up about respect if someone respects you that is probably the greatest form of a relationship possible that's not settling at all and i would say that someone respects who you are more than what you achieve i think a lot of us are after do our partners respect our achievements do our partners respect us when we do something amazing in our career do they respect us do they validate us do they approve what we've achieved what we've done real respect is does that person respect who i am Do they respect me regardless?

16:56Do they respect me beyond all of this? I've talked about this before. For a long time in my relationship, my male ego wanted Radhi to respect me because of what I achieved. And really what I realized is I was trying to achieve in order to respect myself. And therefore I wanted her to respect me for that because then I would be worthy enough. And all the time I was missing the point that Radhi respects me. she's been with me when I've had nothing she's been with me when I've failed she's been with me since I've started and she's been grateful ever since isn't that the deepest form of love and respect?

17:33so I would ask you to assess that with your partner reflect on that number four are you scared of being lonely? if you are scared of being lonely and that's why you're staying with your partner chances are you're subtle settling and that's a hard truth it's an inconvenient truth because so many of us are subtle settling because we don't want to be alone we're scared of not having someone to go home to we're scared of not having that person that we call when we're on a car journey we're scared of having to go to sleep on our own and that fear is creating and forming the basis the foundation of a relationship fear is an unhealthy foundation for any relationship i'll say that again fear is an unhealthy foundation for any relationship if fear is the foundation of your relationship you are subtle settling whatever that fear may be one of them is the fear of being alone i was talking to a friend the other day and i said to him you just have to block that person he has someone in his life who keeps walking in keeps walking out and he loves it because he doesn't want to be alone and i said i think it's about time you block them like you keep breaking up and getting back together and breaking up and getting back together and i can see how unhealthy it is for you.

19:04And yes, you're scared of being alone. But you know what's scarier is being in this situation in 10 years time. And I said to him, which one are you more scared of? Are you more scared of being alone for the next two years? Or are you more scared of being in this situation in seven years time when you're seven years older, and you've lost seven years of your life? And he said, when you put it that way, I was like, yeah, you have to put it that way. Right? You have to put your life into perspective. When you look at everything through the next three months, the next three months, the next three months, you'll keep elongating and extending even a bad situation because you're thinking about the next three months.

19:41Whereas when you start looking at it through the lens of the next three years, being three years older, three years into your career, three years wiser, three years smarter, and then you look at it, everything's put into perspective. As Wayne Dyer used to say, when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. I think often we either look at things too short term, especially in relationships, especially with loneliness. Now I was talking to a friend the other day about my book, Eight Rules of Love. She was reading it and she was saying she really liked the reframing of loneliness to solitude.

20:19And she's been exploring what solitude means for her. and I was saying that this is what we need to do. Our mind has created a story around loneliness. You're not good enough, you're not worthy, you don't have a plus one. All your friends say things like, oh, we gotta find you a person. Oh, we can't have you be single for too long. Oh, we gotta hook you up, right? That becomes the rhetoric. So our story around being alone, we have a story around every word, right? If I say the word fear, you have a story around that. If I say the word power, you have a story around that. If I say the word money, you have a story around that.

21:02If I say the word fame, you have a story around that. If I say the word failure, you got a story. And if I say the word success, you've got a story. You and your mind and your thoughts have a story around every word. The goal of our life is to rewrite, retell and reshare our stories around our life What is the story you want around being alone? Is it that you're lonely or is it that you're in solitude? What is your story around being single? Is it about being empowered or is it that you're not worthy? what is your story about being in a relationship is it a necessity or is it something that you're building and nurturing what is your story about being a failure is it that you're not sharing your life with someone or is it that failing is not knowing yourself and therefore picking the wrong person we have to rewrite retell redefine what our story around these important words in our life are.

22:15And love, love is an important word to think about what our story is about it. What is your story about the word love? Is it that you don't deserve it? Is it that you don't need it? Right? One side is I don't deserve it. The other side is the ego and arrogance of I don't need it. I don't need anyone. Notice how attachment and aversion are two sides of the same coin, the Bhagavad Gita says. The Bhagavad Gita says attachment and aversion are two sides of the same coin. They're both an addiction, right? If we hate something or we obsess over it, we're giving it the same energy. But let's tell a better story.

22:56Let's tell a smarter story. Let's tell a more thoughtful story about that.

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24:16Number five, do you compare your partner to other people? You're subtle settling if you keep comparing your partner to other people for qualities they'll never have. and when you're making someone feel that way you're also disintegrating their self-esteem and their confidence you're subtle settling move away if you keep comparing that person okay you want something else and you may say oh no but i don't really mean it well don't think about it then you're comparing that person because you want them to be more this or less this more that or less that right more of this and less of that that's what you want if you're comparing your partner to some other people you're so settling if you're comparing them in a way to fall more in love with them that's different right if you're comparing them in the sense of like oh actually i'm so grateful to have this person because you know i've seen what my friends are going through that's different but if you're comparing them on the level of i wish they had that oh look at that person their partner's always thinking about them their partner organizes the best birthdays, their partner's got the best career, their partner makes more money, their partner has a better career, their partner, you know, their partner makes time, whatever it may be.

25:32You're sort of settling or you're not grateful enough. And that's what I want you to reflect on. Is it that you're settling or is it that you're not grateful? Could be either or. The next principle, number six, is do they understand why you are the way you are and do they take interest? Do they understand the depths of you? Are they trying to understand your context? I said this to someone recently who was asking me for relationship advice. I said, a real relationship is where you've tried to understand not how the person is and how they behave and who they've become. It's how they became that.

26:08What did they go through? How did they become that person? Why are they that person? Are you curious to understand that? Because I promise you that context will make you connect on a much deeper level. But if you don't have that context, you'll never truly know. So ask yourself, do you know the context of why your partner is the way they are? And have you shared the context of why you are the way you are? Right? Have you figured that out? It's so important. That is not settling. If your partner is taking an interest in you, and if you're taking an interest in them and if you've started and if you haven't done that, try it out.

26:48I think a lot of us expect our partners or people we're dating or seeing to already have these skills. And actually the purpose of a relationship is that you're both challenged to build these skills, right? A relationship isn't a relationship where you both come in with all these skills. The point is the relationship challenges you to develop these skills. And the question you're asking is, do I want to develop these skills with this person? And do they want to develop these skills with me? There's two more I want to share with you. Can they tolerate your weaknesses and can you tolerate theirs?

27:18Everyone you meet will have flaws, weaknesses and make mistakes The question you're asking yourself is Are these the ones I want to deal with? Everyone's going to have something Are these the ones I'm comfortable with dealing with? Right, there is going to be some mistake There's going to be some flaw Am I okay with this one? And you're subtle settling If you're accepting less than you deserve Of course, if you're going through verbal, emotional, physical abuse, then that isn't something that you negotiate with. Those are non-negotiables and those are based on your self-respect. And a big part of it is that subtle settling happens when we don't have a sense of self-respect.

28:02It's not arrogance. It's not ego. It's do I respect myself? Do I understand what human level of respect is? and the final one is financial dependence you're subtle settling if it's a financial decision if it's purely financial it's subtle settling i get it i understand it i empathize with it but you know that if it's just based on that then you're easily losing out so i hope this episode helps you make a sense of subtle settling i hope it also helps you move towards a healthier relationship and i hope it helps you help your friends think through these dilemmas thank you so much for listening to on purpose make sure you pass this on to a friend and here's a reminder for you i am forever in your corner and i'm always rooting for you thanks for listening if you love this episode you'll enjoy my interview with dr julie smith on unblocking negative emotions and how to embrace difficult feelings you've just got to be motivated every day and if you're not then And what are you doing?

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