8 Steps to Save Any Relationship & Stop Ruining It

0:00This is an iHeart Podcast. I'm Radhi Dvlukia and I'm the host of a Really Good Cry podcast and I have the opportunity to talk to Logan Uri if you're out there trying to date right now being ghosted on Hinge or want to create a dating profile that gives you a solid chance of matching with someone you actually want to go on a date with then this episode with Hinge's Director of Relationship Science Logan Uri is definitely for you Relationships do require work the best relationships are people who really work on them together Listen to A Really Good Cry on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

0:59There was opportunities, there was questions, there was curiosity, but there wasn't criticism.

1:09Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world where you're investing in becoming happier, healthier, and more healed. I genuinely love hearing from you when I'm walking around. I just finished an event in Dallas where I was doing a corporate speaking engagement. And so many of you from the audience were saying that on purpose is a part of your daily ritual, whether you're listening while you're in the gym or walking your dog or your commute. It means the world to me that I get to be a workout partner, even though I don't get the benefits of the workout. But I love being your commute partner.

1:46I love being your workout partner. I love being the podcast that you're dissecting with your friends. I want to give a big shout out to everyone who's allowing me to be me and allowing me to be seen as well when I'm sitting down with someone that people may not expect me to sit with, when I'm having conversations that people don't expect me to have, or when I'm recording an episode like one of these where I'm tackling a difficult topic. Thank you for seeing me. Thank you for hearing me out. I am so grateful to you. And today's episode is something that I've been thinking about for a long time.

2:20And what's really interesting about it is that I'm meeting so many people who keep asking me, Jay, I want to save my relationship. Jay, I want to, you know, I want to stop ruining my relationship. I feel like I'm sabotaging my relationship based on my behavior, based on the way I talk to my partner, the way I talk about my partner. and we may not say I want to save my relationship or I want to stop ruining it but I think we all recognize that we want our relationships to be better we want our relationships to improve and we want to be in a position where we're not feeling like we're the one taking our relationship a few steps backwards right maybe you felt before that you said something and you're like that just set me back two years or maybe you did something and you're like oh that just set us back a few months.

3:07I thought we were out of that place. I thought I was out of that place. And so today, I want to give you some steps and strategies as to how we cause issues in our relationships and how we can actually better communicate them. I don't think having challenges and issues is abnormal. I would actually say that it's more normal. But I think the way we communicate them and the way we make our partners aware, the way we carry that awareness makes a big difference as to how that becomes an argument and a disagreement versus a healthy discussion, a debate or a curiosity. And I think that's what I find so fascinating about relationships is that you can have the same conversation, but one can be with affection and still be assertive and one can be full of argumentative poorly articulated points of view.

4:05So one of the first ways that we begin to ruin relationships and if we want to save ours, what we need to be really mindful of is don't assume someone's behavior makes them the same as someone you were with before. Often when we see similar behavior patterns, we assume that the current person is doing it for the same reasons as the person we were with before. So let's say, for example, this person goes really quiet when you have an argument. Now, your last partner went quiet, but eventually you figured out that's because they didn't care. Now, with this partner, when they go quiet, you think they must be going quiet because they don't care, right?

4:50It's very normal as humans to draw that parallel, to connect the dots, to feel that's the pattern. Let me take another example. Maybe this partner of yours, let's say they always forget to take the trash out or they forget to stock up the refrigerator when they finish something, right? A daily thing that could happen. Now, your last partner did that and what you figured out eventually is that they were not very thoughtful, that they were not conscientious. And with this partner, maybe they're busy. Maybe they've just had a lot going on. Maybe they have done it before and right now they're just going through a really tough time.

5:25What I find is that when we assume, when we believe we know why our partner is acting the way they're acting, because we're basing it on previous experience, not only is this a very normal and coherent thing to do, it's expected for us to do, but it sets us up for failure. Because A, you never get to know the intentions of the person you're currently with. B, the last person is somewhat irrelevant and insignificant to this relationship. And three, you stop being curious and you come to a conclusion. Whenever we stop becoming curious with our partners and we draw conclusions without information, without insight, without data, without questions, we are setting our relationship up to fail.

6:14We're going to struggle to save that kind of a relationship because we've already made our mind up as to why someone behaves the way they do. Now, let's say it is their reason. Maybe it is their reason, right? Maybe that is why they are behaving that way, but it's really important to check. So in that situation, it's so important to go up to someone and say, hey, I noticed that you've done this or done this, or I've noticed that you go quiet during an argument. Can you tell me why that is? Now, notice how different that is to the question we usually ask. The question we usually ask is, why do you go so quiet?

6:50You probably don't care, right? That projection of the previous person not only is existing in our mind and our belief system, it's actually articulated to them. You probably don't care. That's where you go quiet. Now, what does that do? That sets off alarm bells for them. And they go, well, no, no, no, I do care. I'm not going quiet. Why would you think that? Right? And now you've started going down a route that doesn't solve the problem. The problem was they go silent. The problem wasn't that they go silent because they don't care. So saying to someone, you're always so quiet. that you don't care about me, versus saying to them, I noticed and observed that you often go quiet when we're having a tough discussion or having an argument.

7:30What's your reasoning? Where does that come from? Now, that person may not have an answer straight away. They may not even be aware of why they go quiet. They may not even be aware that they do go quiet. And this is what I find is so common in relationships, that we don't have that awareness. We don't have that consciousness. and we don't recognize that sometimes people are so unaware of their own behavior and we don't give them time. We don't give them space. We don't give them an opportunity to articulate that or become conscious. So they may say, I don't go quiet. And we go, yes, you do. Here are three examples of when you went quiet.

8:05Now, what have we done? We've put them on the defensive. What have we done? We've made them feel inadequate. And what have we done? We've made them feel like they don't know themselves rather than saying, well, think about it for a certain amount of time. I'd love to hear how you feel you deal with arguments. Notice how different that is. Now, when we want that immediate, instant response to feel better, this is the question we have to ask ourselves. Are we trying to feel better about ourselves in the moment? Is that why we're arguing? Or are we trying to solve the root of the issue? And I find that those two questions will very quickly let you decipher whether you're going to win or whether you're going to lose.

8:42If you're trying to figure out how to solve the real problem, you are always going to win. If you're trying to feel better in the moment, you are likely to create more long-term issues. Please use that checking question. My wife Radhi's cookbook is launching on February 27th. It's called Joyful and will help you cook plant-based dishes effortlessly. I'm so excited for her recipes to be in your hands so you can make them in your home for the people you love the most. And it would mean the world to me if you go to joyfullbook.com to pre-order now for an exclusive video and a daily wellness guide for free made by Radhi.

9:23Again, that's joyfullbook.com joyfullbook.com and you get your free daily wellness guide made by Radhi. Now, point number two. Don't fill in uncertainties mentally. This is often similar to the first idea, but now it's not based on someone you dated in the past. It's based on your own imagination. So don't fill in uncertainties mentally. We project our insecurities onto someone else. I'll give an example. Let's say you just got your hair done, or let's say you just tried a new hairstyle, or let's say you bought a new top or skirt, or you bought a new pair of jeans, or you bought whatever it is, right?

10:09And this applies to everyone of all genders. And you're hoping that when you walk through the door or when you're ready for date night, your partner is going to say, you look amazing. You look great. Oh, I love that new fit on you. I love that new jacket on you. And you're waiting for it. Whatever it may be, you're waiting for that compliment. Now they don't say it. And in your head, you start thinking, oh, they don't think I'm cute anymore. They're not attracted to me anymore. Or maybe the hair doesn't look good. Maybe I was wrong. Oh, I should have told the hairdresser I didn't want to try this out.

10:38maybe they're attracted to someone else. Maybe they're not into me anymore. Right? So what we've done is we had an expectation that we never communicated based on something that we thought about. We now, when that expectation is not met, we are filling that space between our expectation and what we received with mental chatter based on our insecurities. There is no fact there. There is no checking there again. And what does that do? It starts to paint a narrative about your relationship that is only based on your imagination, your opinion. So you're now painting a whole narrative about how someone feels about you without even knowing anything, based on a inaction.

11:25The idea is they didn't say anything and that has made you think something. Notice how we wouldn't allow that to happen to our friend If our friend did that, we'd say, well, you don't know if that's true Like, hey, your hair does look good And, you know, hey, I didn't even notice that you had your hair done right I've got so much going on, maybe they missed out But when it comes to our own lives, we just assume And by the way, we do this in multiple relationships Not just romantic ones, at work Your boss doesn't say you did well at work Straight away, we're like, oh, I'm not getting promoted, I'm getting fired, right?

11:56They didn't talk about me at lunch I saw them talk about someone else And all of a sudden we're assuming and we're filling the gaps in with our own mental insecurity and mental chatter. So all of that being said, what do we do? Imagine you sat down with your partner and said to them in the car, usually what happens in the car is you're then silent with them because they didn't say anything. You're upset with them. They're wondering what's going on with you. And they're like, hey, I thought we were excited about tonight. What's going on? And you're like, oh, nothing. It doesn't matter. And they're like, no, no, no.

12:27Tell me what happened. And you're like, oh, it doesn't matter. And then you're like, God, you just never noticed me anymore. I feel like you don't love me anymore. Right? You make a statement that is so overarching that then they go, no, of course I love you. I think you're beautiful. And then you're like, well, why didn't you tell me then? Right? Now the conversation sounds irrational. You know you sound irrational, but you've got to stick to it. Right? You've got to stick to your irrationality because you've gone down that road. Now let's talk about how that conversation could have been handled differently.

12:53Maybe you say to them, hey, I want to share with you, and this is a tool that I love in coaching, and it also comes up in therapy is talking to someone about the expectation you had and how you feel. So saying to your partner, hey, so I came down with the expectation that I felt like I looked great and I wanted to do that for you. And when you didn't tell me that I looked beautiful, I felt like maybe you didn't like what I was wearing and I just wanted to hear how you felt about it. I just wanted to hear your thoughts. And then your partner gets to say, you know what, actually, I'm so sorry. I've just had so much on at work right now.

13:26I had a really crazy day. I'm really excited for date night, but I wasn't in the zone. Or they get to say, hey, you know what? Actually, I'm not sure I love that jacket, but I love it for you. And now you've got to realize that that's what a good, healthy conversation looks like. You don't want your partner to lie to you and say that they love your new hair or love whatever it is just to make you feel better. But sometimes we pressurize our partners and we pressurize the people in our lives to tell us they love everything we do because we're not open to that feedback. We're not open and curious to what they actually think.

13:54So I want you to, again, check. Check before you fill the gaps with your insecurities. Now, point number three, how do you save any relationship and stop ruining it based on your past? One of the biggest mistakes we make or the way we ruin relationships is we all have a long list of needs. They may be compliments. It may be reassurance. It may be advice on our new startup. It may be investment advice. It may be money advice. It may be advice on dealing with our parents. Often, the way I see it is, especially when I'm coaching clients and working with people, a lot of people want their partner to be their therapist, their coach, their business partner, and their friend.

14:37Sometimes even their mom and their dad, right? A lot of us want our partners to be our therapist, our coaches, our business partners, our friends, and potentially even act like our parents, sometimes. Now, what does that do? First of all, no one has the ability to be all of those. And second of all, even those people don't have the ability to be those things perfectly, right? Our parents aren't perfect. Our friends aren't perfect. Our business partner is not perfect. Even a therapist and a coach are not perfect. So not only is it impossible for even those professions to play those roles perfectly, we're now expecting one person to perfectly play five roles that are individually extremely difficult.

15:19A therapist takes years of training. Coaches take years of great training, right? Businesses take years of great practice. A friend takes years to build. And parents, of course, I mean, that can take decades to get right. But it's really fascinating that we have a long list of needs and we want our partner to not only be able to play one of them, we want them to be able to adapt. And by the way, I didn't even say partner yet. We want them to be our husband or our wife, right? We want them to play that role too. and we want them to be a perfect dad or mom or parent or whatever it may be. So just think about how many roles we're expected to play and maybe your partner is the person who expects it of you and think about how many roles you're expecting your partner to play.

16:02So here's how I want you to think about it. I love this tool and I recommend doing it right now. I want you to write down everything you love doing and everything you love feeling. So you may say, I love going to watch basketball. You may say, I love feeling reassured. What are the things that you want from other people? Now, first of all, I'm going to remind you, I want you to do those things with yourself. I am going to double down on the solitude point. Take yourself to a basketball game. Give yourself compliments. Reassure yourself, for sure. But there are other episodes on that, and Eight Rules of Love dives deeply into that in chapter one.

16:38But in this episode, I want to talk to you about this idea of have a list of things that you really want to feel and do in life and I want you to write the name of a different person next to each of those. So for basketball, you're like, all right, yeah, my friend loves basketball, great. Okay, I wanna go watch dance performances. All right, which one of my friends loves dance? Okay, perfect. Okay, I want to feel confident and reassured. Okay, which one of my friends makes me feel that way? Or maybe my sister makes me feel that way. Okay, great. Now I wanna feel complimented. Oh, I don't get compliments from anyone actually.

17:08All right, I'm gonna compliment myself first, but I would love to receive them from my partner. So what you do is you start finding different people in your life that play different roles. Some for business advice, some for life advice, some to just hear your pains, whatever it may be. And the beauty of that is you start recognizing that you have so many other people in your circle. And if you start recognizing you don't have people in your circle, you are now very accountable to go and build those relationships. when we don't want to be accountable for building these relationships we make our partners accountable to fill that gap that ruins relationships rather than going I love my sister for this I love my mom for this I love my partner for this I love this for this whatever it may be right finding people like for example my wife loves high intensity workouts I really don't like high intensity workouts and if my wife wanted to do that with me I wouldn't be able to keep up with her I wouldn't be able to fulfill that need right there are some things she wants to talk to her sister about wants to talk to her best friend about wants to talk to her mom about that isn't interesting like her mom and her will talk about what they eat every day and what they're making for food and all the rest of it and that's awesome but i'm not the person to have that conversation similarly i may want to have a certain conversation about a topic which is about how we present how we feel and what we think about and that may not be the conversation that i'm having with her i'm having it with one of my friends so make a list of everything you want to do and everything you want to feel and find people.

18:38It may be your friend who loves adventure vacations, your friend who loves music concerts, right? Like expanding that social network to feel that social strength. Point number four is something I repeat in my book, but I still feel it needs to be re-said because it needs to be refined. In order to have a healthy relationship, in order to save a relationship, in order to know whether a relationship is going to last, you have to ask yourself three questions. Do I like their personality. What I mean by that is, if you ask someone what they like to do, they may say they like traveling. Now, you may like traveling too, but the question is, do you like their personality and how they talk about traveling?

19:14So if they were like, well, where have you been? And you were like, oh, well, last year I just went to one place. And they're like, only one place? I went to like seven last year. Like, come on. Their personality is ego and arrogance in that moment. Of course, I'm using a very simple example. Their personality isn't that they like to travel. You may think, oh, they like to travel, we're the same. No, they just demonstrated to you that they have a pride and ego around how they travel. Do you like that? That's what you're thinking about when you're thinking about personality. The second question is, do you respect their values?

19:44This is a really critical one because when I say, do you respect someone's values? That means you don't want to change them. If you respect someone's values, it means you don't have to value what they value and you're not expecting your partner to value what you value. You want them to respect what you value. I love that one of my wife's values is she loves healthy eating. I respect that. I value it for myself too, but I respect it first in her. I respect that to her, her workout is a non-negotiable. For me, even though I respect that, sometimes my workout is negotiable because of how much I have going on and some other priorities that I have.

20:24So I can't expect her to devalue it Because I may devalue it sometimes And she can't expect me to value it to the same level as hers We have to respect each other's values And what I find so often is We actually want our partners to value what we value We want them to like what we like Which isn't really the case for a good relationship And finally, do we want to help people towards their goals Or do we want to change their goals? You will ruin a relationship if you want to change someone's values or if you want them to value what you value, they should respect what you value, but you can't force them to value it.

20:58And you can't force them to change their goals. If you think your partner isn't ambitious enough, if you think your partner isn't something else enough, whatever it is that they're not enough of, it's going to be very unlikely that they make a drastic, drastic change. I'm Radhi Dvlukia and I'm the host of a Really Good Cry podcast. And I have the opportunity to talk to Logan Ury. Logan is a dating expert, a behavioral scientist, a best-selling author, and someone who is seriously changing the way we think about love and dating. In our conversation, we talk all things dating that Logan has studied and tested from what to put in your dating profile, the pictures you should and shouldn't be using to the conversation starters that actually work.

21:36And the huge no-nos that people probably do not realize are reducing their chances of success on apps. Whether you're single, dating, or just trying to be more intentional in love, Logan offers the kind of clarity we all need. relationships do require work and the best relationships are people who really work on them together they're so focused on if i find the perfect person then i'll have the perfect relationship instead of understanding really that they can choose someone great and then build that relationship together they don't need to keep searching for perfection listen to a really good cry on the iheart radio app apple podcast or wherever you get your podcast so point number five This is probably my number one thing And it's what I experienced with my wife Radhi That transformed how I felt about this Remember this Criticism doesn't help change Coaching does I found when I was in relationships That a lot of people were very critical They'd be critical of how I spent my time They'd be critical of what I like doing They'd be critical of what I was wearing Whatever it may be Now, Radhi may sometimes do that.

22:46But Radhi was one of the first people that I ever met that didn't criticize me about my habits, about my way of living, about my approach. There was coaching, there was opportunities, there was questions, there was curiosity, but there wasn't criticism. I find a lot of us who ruin relationships, and if you want to save a relationship, remove criticism. So many of us will go up to our partners and go, why do you always do this? Why do you never do this, right? The words always and never are not factual They're subjective We always say things like Oh you need to stop doing this Can you just stop?

23:21Like why do you do this? Right? It's criticism Oh I really don't like it when you do that Oh I really don't appreciate that Right? There's so much criticism And criticism puts someone on the defensive It makes someone feel less than It makes someone feel inadequate It completely makes someone feel like you don't believe they can change. Now you may say, oh no, no, my partner's tough. They know they can change. No, I promise you. I promise you, you can discourage, dishearten and put someone in a disconnect from change just through criticism. Think about children. All of us have a little child in us that was criticized too much, that heard too much negativity growing up, that was told there wouldn't be anything.

24:08And when we hear that from our partner, gosh, does that trigger, right? That's what triggers is that little self inside of you So you may say no my partner's grown they can handle it I promise you No matter how emotionally intelligent or how emotionally aware someone is If they are criticized about something it takes them right back there And what does criticism do? It makes someone act out like a child It makes them go right back to that And now they're going to behave in a childlike way Or actually rather a childish way And now it's harder for them to change Rather than in an adult way if you said to them hey what's blocking you what are you struggling with right now i've noticed that there's something on your mind what's what's going on talk to me i'm up for it let's let's discuss it that kind of approach is more of a coach approach than a criticism approach saying hey look i've noticed that it's been hard for you to get around to this or get around to that like what's going on talk to me and often you'll find that that person and this is point six they don't know how to open up because they see opening up as a weakness.

25:10And then we see that as like, oh, my partner doesn't want to open up. My partner doesn't want to talk about their feelings. Well, guess what? Chances are because they're scared that if they share how they feel, it makes them appear weak. There's something known as the John Wayne syndrome or the hero complex. And it's something that stops people from responding effectively and their ability to engage in challenging conversations or even challenging tasks. And it comes from the idea that people believe they need to be bulletproof or they need to be perfect or they need to be fully stoic or strong.

25:48There's a line that was said by John Wayne that kind of coined this. Never apologize, mister. It's a sign of weakness. John Wayne, under direction John Ford, said this phrase as Captain Nathan Brittles in the 1949 Western, She Wore a Yellow Ribbon. I'll say it again, never apologize, mister. It's a sign of weakness. Notice how that sets in itself an idea that, oh, if I apologize, it makes me look weak. And I know my partner doesn't like weakness because they expect me to be perfect and strong. And so I won't go there. This has kind of penetrated itself through society where we find that men are often given this, again, they're also given the criticism that not only do they not open up, that men don't like to open up.

26:36This rhetoric, this narrative creates a reality where men then struggle to open up. And people will say things like, I don't know what he's thinking because he never tells me what's going on. And iVillage did a study where they found 42 % of women have a hard time getting their partner to share their feelings. And when that happens, they often feel shut out and misunderstood. What I've really found is that people are scared of rejection or not being received. They don't wanna be seen as weak. They're scared that they may be criticized in the future. So here's how it's going down in someone's mind.