8 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Turned 30

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0:30and get more savings today. Loyalty program subject to terms and conditions. Details at lowes.com forward slash terms. Subject to change. Okay, question. What is the best and worst way to communicate with friends? Obviously messaging. I mean, it's great, but it can go off the rails. There have been times I opened up a group chat and saw 200 messages. And by the time I caught up, I still didn't know what the plan was. Well, WhatsApp can help. First, you can message privately with everyone. And you can edit messages, create polls, do pin messages, and send invites. Plus, photos and videos look better.

1:13It's time for WhatsApp. Message privately with everyone.

1:21This episode of On Purpose is brought to you by Chase Sapphire Reserve. I believe that travel is one of the greatest gifts that we've ever been given and Chase Sapphire Reserve has been my gateway to the world's most captivating destinations When I use my Chase Sapphire Reserve card I get 8 times the points on all the purchases I make through Chase Travel and even access to one-of-a-kind experiences experiences like music festivals and sporting events and that's not even mentioning how the card gets me into the Sapphire Lounge by the club at select airports nationwide Travel is more rewarding with Chase Sapphire Reserve Trust me Discover more at chase.com forward slash sapphire reserve Cards issued by JPMorgan Chase Bank, NA Member FDIC Subject to credit approval, terms apply When things are good, we think they'll be good forever And we're wrong When things are bad, we think they'll be bad forever And we're wrong Things are never good forever and they're never bad forever.

2:27What we need to recognize is how we can focus on living a life of meaning and purpose and seeking peace, even in chaos. The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty. Hey everyone, it's Jay Shetty, host of the On Purpose podcast and author of New York Times bestselling book, Think Like a Monk and Eight Rules of Love. If you haven't read either of those books, I hope you go and grab a copy to learn about mindset, peace, purpose, and love, relationships, and dating. But today I'm talking to you about eight things I wish I knew before I was 30. I'm 37 now and I've learned so much up until this point in life, but there are certain things that I know could have saved me time, money, and energy before I was 30 years old, and I want to share them all with you.

3:27If I could sit my 20-year-old self down for an unfiltered conversation, here are the truths about people, work, and life that would have saved me years of stress, overthinking, and wasted energy. These aren't cliches. They're counterintuitive lessons from psychology and human behavior that will change how you live, love, and work. Let's get in. Lesson number one is people aren't thinking about you as much as you think they are. I want to talk about something known as the spotlight effect from Gilevich in 1999. He said that we overestimate how much people notice or judge us, when the truth is most people are too busy worrying about themselves.

4:18Now, imagine walking to work with a giant coffee stain down the front of your shirt. You feel exposed, humiliated. You swear everyone's staring, whispering, judging, gossiping. You spend the whole day shrinking into yourself. But here's the twist. When psychologists at Cornell University actually tested this, they found almost nobody noticed. In their famous Barry Manilow t-shirt study, students were asked to walk into a room full of peers wearing a bright, embarrassing Manilow shirt. The wearers were convinced half the room would notice and remember. But the reality, only about 20 % of people noticed at all.

5:05The truth is we all live under what psychologists call the spotlight effect, the belief that everyone is watching us when in reality, most people are too busy worrying about their own coffee stains, their own insecurities, their own spotlight. Now, here's why this matters. You're not being judged as much as you think. The audience you imagine doesn't exist. The world isn't scrutinizing you. It's scrolling past, lost in its own self-consciousness. The spotlight is in your head. And once you realize that, you can finally step on stage, take the risk, wear the stain, because no one's watching as closely as you think.

5:53Stop chasing approval from people who don't even know themselves Stop performing for people who wouldn't show up if you fell Stop editing your life for people who aren't even paying attention Stop carrying the weight of opinions that were never yours to hold Stop shrinking your dreams to fit someone else's comfort zone And stop letting silent critics rent space in your head for free. Stop confusing someone's opinion with your own reflection. They're not thinking about you in the first place. Lesson number two. Busyness isn't productivity. We mistake being busy for being valuable. This is something in psychology known as the effort heuristic.

6:50We all know what it feels like. We think if we're working 12 hours a day, we're winning, we're moving forward. But the reality is you can hustle 12 hours a day and still not move forward. We have to measure progress in outcomes, not hours. Have you ever caught yourself bragging about how busy you are? Or maybe even trying to make yourself sound worthy? You might say, I work 12 hours straight. Hey, I had back-to-back meetings. I barely slept this week. We wear busyness like a badge of honor, but psychology has a name for this mistake, the effort heuristic. It means we assume that if something took more effort, it must be more valuable.

7:35But that doesn't always fit. Researchers asked people to rate two paintings of the same artwork. One was described to them as taking four hours to make. The other was described as taking 26 hours. Guess what? People rated the 26-hour painting as more beautiful, more meaningful, more worthy of praise. Same art, same quality, but different story about the effort. We all think if we're working longer, we should be rewarded more. If we're working harder, we should win more. If we're doing more, we should get more. But here's the problem. Just because something takes longer doesn't mean it's better.

8:26A 12-hour workday isn't proof of impact. A never-ending to-do list isn't proof of progress. Exhaustion isn't proof of success. Busy is not the same as effective. So here's the takeaway. Don't measure your value by the hours you burn. Measure it by the results you create. Don't ask, how hard did I work? Ask, did my work actually matter? Because at the end of your life, no one's going to hand you an award for most hours spent looking busy, but you will remember what you built, what you changed, and who you became. Start remembering. You're not valuable because you're busy. You're valuable because you're you.

9:18Stop measuring your day by hours instead of outcomes. Stop filling every minute so you don't feel like you're falling behind. Stop mistaking exhaustion for evidence that you matter. So many of us are so conflicted by that. It's time to work smart. It's time to work effective, not just hard. Lesson number three, your friends will change and that's not betrayal. There's a psychological term known as socio-emotional selectivity theory. As we age, we prioritize depth over breadth in our relationships. Losing friends, as hard as it is, is often growth, not failure. Look, this is how it works. When you're in your 20s, your inbox is insane.

10:13You've got group chats, classmates, colleagues, Friday night plans with people you barely know. Your social world feels infinite. But something fascinating happens as you get older. Psychologists have studied this for decades, and the data is crystal clear. your social circle shrinks. Not because you're failing, but because your brain is recalibrating. This is called socio-emotional selectivity theory, a concept pioneered by a psychologist at Stanford. She found that as people age, or even just perceive their time as more limited, they stop investing in endless social expansion. Instead, they prioritize fewer, deeper, more emotionally meaningful relationships.

11:02In one study, they tracked people's relationships across their lifespans. Young adults reported wide networks with lots of acquaintances. Older adults consistently reported smaller networks, but also higher satisfaction in those relationships. What was even more striking was that the older adults had fewer conflicts and reported greater emotional stability. It is an age that changes us. It's how much time we believe we have left. When time feels expansive, we chase novelty and variety. When time feels expensive, we choose intimacy and depth. That's why your 20s feel like you're collecting people and your 30s, 40s and 50s feel like you're filtering down to the ones who really matter.

12:03I think a lot of us, when we're losing friends, when we grow apart, when we drift apart as we get older, we may start to judge people. We may think people change. We may think that we did something wrong. The reality is people have less time. They want to focus more on the relationships that matter and this becomes a natural evolution in life. If you're feeling guilty that your social circle is shrinking, don't. It's not failure. It's what moving forward looks like. It means your brain is getting wise enough to realize a small circle that feeds you is more valuable than a large circle that drains you.

12:46A small circle that tells you the truth is better than a large circle that tells you what you want to hear. A small circle that celebrates you in private is better than a large circle that claps only in public. A small circle that challenges you to grow is better than a large circle that keeps you the same. You can have less friends that bring you more joy. Don't get it confused Whether you're dreaming of a wellness retreat A food-focused getaway Or a weekend built around connection Chase Sapphire Reserve helps you design travel experiences That actually mean something to you Today we're talking about how purposeful travel Can be easier and way more rewarding When you have the right support When you think about travel It's not just about going somewhere new It's about the why Maybe you're recharging, spending time with people you love, or indulging in a passion.

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14:26You can pour your energy into the parts that fill you up, whether that's a yoga retreat in the mountains or a culinary-focused weekend in a new city. Want to learn more about how Chase Sapphire Reserve can help you create trips with purpose, head over to chase.com forward slash Sapphire Reserve. Your values, your journey with Chase Sapphire Reserve. Every trip can feel meaningful from start to finish. Lesson number four is discipline is easier than motivation. Most of us think that what we need to change our lives is more motivation. The amount of people that come up to me and say, Jay, motivate me.

15:06Can you tell me something motivational that will change my life? We all feel if I could just feel more motivated, I'd go to the gym, start the business, eat better. But here's the counterintuitive truth. You don't need more motivation. You need more discipline. And discipline doesn't mean willpower or toughness. It means designing your life so the right choice is easier than the wrong one. Let me say that again. Again, discipline is designing your life so that the right choice is easier than the wrong one. Your systems are helping you make hard choices more easily. Psychologists call this ego depletion.

15:52Every decision you make from what to wear to what to eat drains your brain's self-control battery. By the time the evening comes, that battery is dead. How many of you have felt this before, right? You've been making decisions all day. What to wear, what to eat, meal prepping, what to cook, what to make for lunch, what to make for dinner. Then you've got what color does this slide deck need to be? I haven't made their accounts balance up. I haven't replied to my mom. I haven't called my friend. I haven't texted this person back. I've got to update my dating profile. It's exhausting. And that's why motivation isn't reliable.

16:34Motivation fades with your mood. Discipline survives with your systems. It's why President Obama only wore two suit colors as president. Why Steve Jobs wore the same black turtleneck. They weren't lazy. They were protecting their discipline. They cut small decisions so they had energy for the big ones. This is known as something called decision fatigue. So many of us get tired of making so many small decisions all day that we don't have energy for the big ones. Keep your energy for the big decisions in life. People spend more time planning their wedding than they do making sure the person they're marrying is the right person.

17:21People spend more time getting their degree than making sure the job they choose is worthy of their qualification. We waste so much more time in getting something than we do for preparing for something. Stop waiting to feel motivated. Start setting systems that make discipline feel natural. Lay out your clothes the night before. Put healthy food where you can see it and take away all the bad stuff. Block websites that waste your focus because success doesn't come from chasing motivation. It comes from designing a life where discipline is the default. Lesson number five is that most of your fears are memories, not threats.

18:09The fear you feel today usually belongs to yesterday. When you feel fear, your brain tells you it's about this moment. But most of the time, it isn't. Think about a child who was laughed at for reading out loud in class. Maybe you went through something like this as well. Years later, as an adult, they're asked to present at work. Suddenly their heart races, their palms sweat, their throat tightens. They think I'm scared of public speaking. But the truth, they're not scared of this meeting or presentation. They're scared of that classroom. This happens because of emotional memory encoding. When we experience something painful, maybe it's embarrassment, rejection, failure, the brain doesn't just store the fact, it stores the feeling.

19:03The amygdala, the brain's fear center, tags that memory as danger. And the next time anything even resembles that situation, your body reacts as if the past is happening again. Maybe you had a really uncomfortable experience in water when you were young. Now, every time you get into water, whether it's the ocean or a swimming pool, you feel tight-chested. That's why the fear you feel today often belongs to yesterday. They're not about real immediate threats, but about old memories being triggered. In fact, research on the amygdala found that fear responses are often two to three times stronger when tied to past emotional memories than faced with new situations.

19:52So the fear in your chest isn't always truth. It's often a memory replay. You're not afraid of the presentation. You're afraid of the old humiliation. You're not afraid of love, you're afraid of the heartbreak that came before. Here's the takeaway. The next time fear shows up, ask yourself, is this fear about now or am I carrying it from then? Because once you see that most of your fears are echoes, you can stop letting yesterday control today. Stop letting people who hurt you years ago Hurt you again today Stop letting old wounds cause more pain Than the moment itself ever did Stop letting memories control moments That deserve a fresh start Stop letting yesterday's rejection Steal today's confidence Stop letting a single chapter convince you the whole story is broken.

21:00Stop letting the past keep winning when the fight is already over. What I want you to think about with that is that whenever you come up against something, frame it back. Recognize where it comes from. We have to cut it at the root. You're not going to solve your life by only getting over the symptom right now. It's by cutting it at the root. figuring out where it started, figuring out where it came from, almost tracking it back, helps you cut it right there and then. And it can transform your life. Because so many of us are not taking risks today because of pain we felt in the past. So many of us are not taking on challenges today because of hardships we had in the past.

21:45So many of us are not trying things today because are failures in the past. You don't want to let your past have such a tight hold of control over your present and your future. You could miss out on an amazing partner, an amazing career, an amazing life because of a choice or a mistake or something that happened in your past. It's not worth it.

22:19Okay, I'm going to assume that everybody messages their friends. I'm also going to assume you've run into some issues when messaging, especially during group chats. I know I have. One time I sent a message way too fast, full of typos, and everyone had to guess what I was even trying to say. WhatsApp can help. First, you can message privately with everyone, even if you're all using totally different phones. It just works. Sent a message too fast and instantly regretted it? No problem, just edit it. And when the chat gets a little too intense, you can switch to a group video call and actually talk it out.

22:56Photos and videos come through super clear and messages get delivered without weird gaps or delays. Plus, WhatsApp has so many great features like polls, pinned messages, and even event invites with RSVPs so planning stuff doesn't just turn into a mess. I mean, it just makes a lot of sense. It's time for WhatsApp. message privately with everyone. Okay, I have two questions for the guys out there. Do you want to have nice, healthy skin? And would you rather not spend a ton of time getting it? So for the like 99 % of guys who said yes to both questions, Dove Men Plus Carebody and Face Scrub is the ultimate hack for effortless skincare.

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25:42Lesson number six. You're more likely to change by belonging than by willpower because identity is contagious. This will actually blow your mind. It transformed how I think about human change. I've realized that there are three core aspects to human change. Coaching, knowing something that is three or five years ahead of you. knowing someone who's three or five years ahead of you on the journey you're about to go through and having their guidance can transform your life. The second is consistency and commitment, when you can actually commit to action, commit to making a change, and you do it over a certain amount of time.

26:28And the third, which is what this one's all about, is community. We need community for accountability, we need it for competition, and we need it for collaboration. See, most people think change is about willpower. If I just tried harder, if I just pushed more, if I just force myself, I'll change. But here's the counterintuitive truth. You're more likely to change by belonging than by willpower because identity is contagious. A few years ago, researchers studied why some people quit smoking successfully and others relapsed. They found something surprising. It wasn't the strongest willed individuals who succeeded.

27:14It was the ones who changed their social circles. If you were surrounded by smokers, your chance of quitting dropped dramatically. But if your spouse quit smoking, your likelihood of quitting jumped up. If a close friend quit, your odds went up, same habit, same nicotine, different environment. Why? Because we adapt to the norms of our group. A Harvard study on social networks showed that obesity, smoking, and even happiness spread through friends groups like contagions. If a friend of yours becomes obese, your own risk increases by 57%. If a friend becomes happy, your own chance of happiness rises by 25%.

28:05Willpower didn't spread. Identity and connectivity did. So if you want to change your life, stop asking, how do I get more willpower? Start asking, who do I need to belong to. You'll fight to match the energy of the people you sit with. You'll pick up their habits without even realizing it. Here's the takeaway. Willpower is fragile. Belonging is powerful. The fastest way to change your habits is to change your people. Because you don't just become what you practice, you become who you're around. Stop spending time with people you don't want to be like. Stop wasting energy on people you don't admire.

28:59Stop building connections with people who only drain your confidence. Stop investing in circles that make you smaller instead of braver. I think this is a huge one because if you look at a change you want to make in your life and you're thinking, why don't I change it at New Year's? Why didn't I change it on my birthday? I promise you it's because you didn't change your circle. No, no, you're thinking, Jay, I've got some really good friends. I don't want to leave them. They're amazing. You don't have to leave them. You have to build new circles around new goals. When you have a goal, build a circle around it.

29:34It doesn't mean you leave your friends or your family behind. It doesn't mean you cut people out. You can still love them. You can still keep them in your life, but you have to create new circles around new goals. It is so much less likely for you to achieve the goals you have with the circle you currently have. And I know you're thinking, Jay, where do I find those people? I don't know people like that in my community. I didn't grow up in that area. Find them online, find them in books, find them on podcasts. You can associate with people by giving your attention to them. It's not the people around you physically that define who you're becoming.

30:13It's the people you choose to give your attention to. Who are you listening to? Who are you following? Who are you allowing in? What are you consuming? That will transform where you're going. Lesson number seven. You don't burn out from working too hard. You burn out from meaninglessness. Long hours don't always cause burnout, empty hours do. Most people think burnout comes from working too many hours. They'll say I'm exhausted because I'm working 70 hours a week. But here's what the research shows. It's not the hours that burn us out, it's the emptiness. I once coached a woman who is a high performer at a huge firm.

30:57She worked 60, sometimes 70 hours a week. But outside of work, she was full of energy. She ran marathons, she volunteered at a shelter, she traveled. Then she switched companies. Her hours stayed the same, maybe even a little lighter. She was making a bit more money. But within six months, she was burned out, drained, and ready to quit. Why? Not because of workload, but because the work no longer meant anything to her. The tasks were repetitive. The recognition was absent. She felt like a cog in a machine. Same hours, less meaning, more burnout. This lines up with Christina Maslach's research on burnout, the world's leading scholar in this field.