8 Ways to Decide Which Friendships to Invest In & Which Friendships to Let Go Of

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0:49I'm Radhi Dvlukia and I'm the host of a Really Good Cry podcast and I have the opportunity to talk to Logan Uri. If you're out there trying to date right now, being ghosted on Hinge or want to create a dating profile that gives you a solid chance of matching with someone you actually want to go on a date with, then this episode with Hinge's Director of Relationship Science, Logan Ury, is definitely for you. Relationships do require work. The best relationships are people who really work on them together. Listen to A Really Good Cry on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

1:20Sometimes the reason we've disconnected from people or we've distanced ourselves from people is that we're protecting ourselves from unwanted drama. Maybe we haven't had the uncomfortable or awkward discussion and we realize if I just stay far away from this, I never have to have it. Now the challenge here is you're missing out on a potentially amazing relationship. But what we've done is instead of setting a boundary, we've set a barrier. The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. I am so grateful that you are back with me here right now.

2:01Whether you're walking your dog, whether you're cooking, whether you're driving, whether you're just hanging out or whether you're at work, thank you so much for lending me your time, investing your energy and your presence and your focus here on On Purpose. Now, Now, something I've been thinking about a lot lately is just as we grow older, as another year goes by, we start to reflect more deeply about the friendships that matter, the people around us, the people at work, the people we spend the most time with. How many of you have found yourself in that situation where you're starting to be much more observant about who you give your energy to, who you spend time with, how you connect with people and to what level?

2:52And how many of you are at this point where you're just tired of small talk? You're tired of all the quick chats, the superficial, surface-level conversation, and you're craving a much deeper, a much more meaningful interaction. Now, that doesn't mean that you don't want to have fun. It doesn't mean that you don't want to laugh. It doesn't mean that you don't just want to have a great time. Of course, you want all of that, but you want it to mean more. You want it to matter more. You want it to lead to more in that relationship rather than less. And I think a lot of us are feeling distant, feeling further away, feeling disconnected from people that we were once close with.

3:36How many of you have a friend in your life that you know you used to talk to every day, but now you rarely talk? how many of you have someone in your life that you used to feel it was so easy to connect with but recently you've just started to find it more and more difficult to open up and how many of you are struggling to find someone to be vulnerable with i think we're hearing a lot about the loneliness epidemic we're hearing a lot about the disconnectedness of humanity especially since the pandemic, I think we've all found it harder and harder to kind of go back to what we had before. And we haven't really found where we're heading now.

4:20And I think a lot of people are feeling this where you're in a different emotional maturity and state than the people in your life, right? How many of you have felt that? Well, you're like, well, I'm on this emotional track and I thought this person was with me, but actually they're on a completely different track. And it may have even taken you a while to even let that settle and to understand it. At the core of it, what a lot of us feel is that we don't have people around us who really understand us, who really see us, and who really hear us. Right? Have you felt that recently where you're like, I think I'm talking to a wall.

5:05I think I'm talking right through people. Or maybe you're feeling, oh, I don't want to trouble someone with this. I know that they've got enough on. But we all have that feeling, that need of yearning for connection, of yearning for understanding. The first thing I'm going to ask you to focus on, as I always do, is yourself. Do you understand where you're at and can you articulate it effectively? I think for so many of us, we're wanting other people to understand us, other people to read our minds. We assume that they should know. We assume that they should be able to adapt, that they should recognize, acknowledge, value, whatever it is that we need.

5:53But I really want you to sit with this. Do you understand where you're at and can you articulate it? I think this is such an important point in order for you to consider because the better you are at communicating, sharing how you feel, why you feel that way, what you're going through, you're actually increasing the listener's ability to also comprehend your thoughts. now the second point i wanted to make today is from a writer named brian a chalker and this writer wrote this beautiful poem called season reason or a lifetime this has been such a big reflection point in my life and as the author says everyone comes into our life for a season a reason or a lifetime and I want to ask you to think about a list of people that came to your mind when I started this episode and ask yourself is that a seasonal person is that someone who came in for one season and that was it or are they someone who shows up seasonally but then they aren't as relevant important consistent at other times you think about certain things right you don't eat ice cream all year round but it's really fun when you can eat ice cream when it's hot outside and it's warm and you're feeling like it.

7:21But you don't have to eat it every day to appreciate it. I think we often feel like, oh, if someone's seasonal, they're not good. If someone's seasonal or just for a season, then they're not a great person. The truth is they can play their role. They can play their part and you play your part and your role in their life and things go on. It's when we expect to be able to eat ice cream all year round that we have the issue, right? We We don't have an issue with the fact that we like enjoying ice cream at a certain time of year, but to think I need it all year round, that's where the challenge arises.

7:55So who in your life is like that? Maybe they're back every summer. Maybe they turn up at the beginning of the year or the end of the year, or they're amazing during the holidays. Maybe they're a family member, but they're not someone that you can hang out with all the time. They're not someone who resonates all the time. It's okay. and what we're doing is we're almost compartmentalizing for ourselves that that is a seasoned person or a seasonal person and that's their role we're not expecting more of them and we're not expecting less of them we recognize what they want to do in our life and what i've realized is when you can accept what someone shows you is who they want to be and how they show up for you, you can now share moments and memories with them without what they should have been, what they could have been, what they should have been for you by now, right?

8:52So I want you to recognize that. Chalker also talks about people who come into your life for a reason. These are often the most difficult people that we meet, right? This could be someone who actually caused a challenge or an issue. they came in our life to teach us something that was painful and if you went through this a while ago you can now see the reason but if you went through it recently the reason is the last thing you want so if you're going through pain right now if you're going through stress right now if you're going through pressure right now because someone just came in created a whirlwind and then left and you can't see the reason right now because you're just dealing with the debris that's cascaded all over your life, then that's okay.

9:37But at one point, with some distance, you'll be able to recognize the reason. And when we recognize the reason, it changes us. When we recognize the reason that someone came into our life with, we now protect ourself from that experience in the future and we prepare ourself to know. these two points are really important we prepare ourself for future relationships and we protect ourself for future relationships and this is something that i really want you to hone in on and value and deeply deeply recognize of where in your life have you not understood the reason someone came in with maybe there was someone long long ago that you've even hidden away that you feel triggered by an uncomfortable bringing up in a safe space, maybe with a therapist, with a friend, maybe when you've created some distance, reflect on it and ask yourself, when they did that, what did I learn from it?

10:44What was the reason? And the third part that Chalker talks about is people who are there for a lifetime. There are some people who may not have the biggest impact on you. They may not do the most for you, but they're always around. They're always there. their loyalty, even when it's tested, proves to be true. It proves to be real. It proves to be powerful. And that person you realize who's with you for a lifetime is someone that you continue to invest in. So I want you to think about who in your life is a season, who in your life is a reason, and who in your life came in and has stayed for a lifetime.

11:20And start understanding that it's okay that people play different roles in your life and you play different roles in their life. And I think when we expect everyone to play the same role or we expect everyone to behave the same or we expect everyone to respect us the same or respond with us the same or connect with us the same, that's when our challenges occur. That's when our issues occur. now maybe you're thinking that there are certain friends you want to rebuild with and I want to do a reflection exercise with you you can even journal about this I want to ask you what has broken so when I asked you earlier like oh maybe there's someone in your life that you used to talk to you don't talk with anymore or someone you used to be open with but now you can't imagine anything but being closed with if you want to fix it if you want to repair it.

12:15The first question is why? Why is it worth repairing? Do we really believe that that person has something to offer us? Do we really believe that we need some closure? We have to get really intentional and clear about why we would revisit an old relationship. And then we have to ask ourselves what broke? Was it trust? Was it connection? And on a scale of 1 to 10, how bad was it? how truly bad was that disconnect? And ask yourself, what in your current state of that relationship makes you feel uncomfortable or devalued that you've let it go? Is it too big? Is it too much to bear to have to reconnect putting aside how devalued you feel?

13:04Or is the relationship worth more to you? And I think that's the question we have to ask ourselves if we're trying to repair a relationship. is repairing this relationship worth more to me than the pain caused when trying to repair it? Repairing anything will be uncomfortable, it will be hard, it will be challenging. But sometimes the belief that I want to do the right thing, I want to have this conversation. And this applies to current relationships. I know that there's someone I'm building a friendship with right now and we're growing in our trust, we're growing in our loyalty. and I had to call them last week and have a really uncomfortable conversation with them about something that I thought could negatively affect our relationship and actually it positively improved it.

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14:42Now, I didn't call with the expectation that me being honest and vulnerable and transparent would improve the relationship. I didn't call with the intention or the belief that they would turn around and say, Jay, I really respect you. Because when we act in a way, in order to gain a certain reaction, we often leave feeling quite reduced and disappointed. What I mean by that is if we behave in a certain way or act in a certain way because we are predicting, expecting or wanting a particular type of response, we're setting ourselves up for failure. We've got to have the conversation because we believe it's the right thing to do.

15:29We have to have the conversation because we believe that it's the honest thing to do. We have to be the one to have a conversation because we think to ourselves, this is how I'd like people to treat me. This is how I'd like to be led. This is how I'd like to connect. And when we do it with that reason, whatever the response is, whether it's positive or whether it's not what we were looking for, we can hold our head high and still move forward. If you're trying to reconnect with someone too, I would ask yourself, when was the last time you deeply checked in with them? I find that our society has become a lot more self-centered.

16:07We're always like, why is no one checking in with me? Why do people treat me like that? Why did they say that to me? And sometimes I find, and by the way, I'm prone to this as well, where I don't have the self-awareness. Like I don't see myself behaving in the same way as I don't like someone else behaving, right? Does that make sense? Does that resonate? Like I remember someone I knew was telling someone else, they're like, I can't believe you go to your boring job every day. And in my head, I'm thinking, wow, like if you're making that person feel boring and that's the job they have to go to every day, imagine how bad they're going to feel.

16:41But this same person was saying they can't believe people say to them, oh, I can't believe you're deciding to do that. That sounds scary. That sounds like the wrong thing. So often we don't even have the self-awareness to deduce that what we're saying to others is what we don't like people saying to us. The way we behave with others is a behavior that we don't appreciate in the way people behave with us. That to me is a really subtle and nuanced point, but it can truly save or break relationships. Now I have to acknowledge that not every friendship has to have a future. just because you had a past just because you have memories just because you have nostalgia doesn't mean you have to force a future with a friend it is okay to let it go it's okay to let them go or let them let you go it's okay trying to force a friendship into the future will actually cost you more than you realize.

17:57Because if someone doesn't want to be in your life, or if you've realized that you no longer want to be in theirs, you're simply wasting time and energy. Let's celebrate something for what it was. Let's revel in what it was at the time when it served us, it nourished us, and it's okay if it doesn't anymore. you had a lunchbox that you took to school every day you don't use the same lunchbox anymore you wore clothes that you loved and felt really cool in you don't wear the same clothes anymore you lived in an apartment that you've outgrown it's okay and we don't have to do it with bitterness we don't have to do it pain we can do it with love celebration and a positive outlook one of the reasons why we feel distant from our friends is because our best memory with them is an old one the last time our relationship achieved something or we did something was an old one and one of the biggest things i found with friendships and why they felt shallow and not deep was i found myself especially because i've left london now i found myself whenever i went back home i would often spend time with big groups of people and I found a lot of my friends do that too right we run out of time we have less and less time we can't see everyone couples friends individually and so we go okay let's just invite everyone over once a month and we'll see everyone and what ends up happening is you have this really small short short conversation this small talk exchange with each and every person right you know what it feels like you've hosted before you just about get to oh how was your last week?

19:43How was the weekend? Oh yeah, you went to that place. Oh great. Okay, let me move on. Oh yeah, how's your week been? Oh yeah, your new job. Congrats. Okay, let's move on. Parking shouldn't slow you down. ParkWiz gives every driver a shortcut. Book ahead, save up to 50 % and skip the hassle of circling the block. Park smarter, park faster. ParkWiz. Download the ParkWiz app today and save every time you park. I'm Radhi Devlukia and I'm the host of a really good cry podcast and I have the opportunity to talk to, Logan Ury. Logan is a dating expert, a behavioral scientist, a best-selling author, and someone who is seriously changing the way we think about love and dating.

20:18In our conversation, we talk all things dating that Logan has studied and tested from what to put in your dating profile, the pictures you should and shouldn't be using, to the conversation starters that actually work, and the huge no-nos that people probably do not realize are reducing their chances of success on apps. Whether you're single, dating, or just trying to be more intentional in love, Logan offers the kind of clarity we all need. Relationships do require work. And the best relationships are people who really work on them together. They're so focused on if I find the perfect person, then I'll have the perfect relationship.

20:52Instead of understanding really that they can choose someone great and then build that relationship together. They don't need to keep searching for perfection. Listen to A Really Good Cry on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey guys, it's AZ Fudd. You may know me as a gold medalist. You may know me as an NCAA national champion and recent most outstanding player. You may even know me as a people's princess. But now you're also going to know me as your favorite host. Every week on my new podcast, Fud Around and Find Out, I'll give you an inside look at everything happening in my crazy life as I try to balance it all.

21:28From my travels across the globe to preparing for another run at the Natty with my Yukon Huskies to just trying to make it to my midterms on time. You'll get the inside scoop on everything. I'll be talking to some special guests about pop culture, basketball, and what it's like to be a professional athlete on and off the court. You'll even get to have some fun with the FUD family. So if you follow me on social media or watch me on TV, you may think you know me. But this show is the only place where you can really FUD around and find out. Listen to FUD Around and Find Out, a production of iHeart Women's Sports in partnership with Unanimous Media, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

22:06When we're connecting with lots of people in a fast, shallow, and simple way, we're naturally making our relationship less and less deep and less and less meaningful. If we're always spending time with people in large groups, where we have to move on from conversations quickly, we have to figure out, if you're hosting, obviously you've got to do all the hosting stuff, and you're not getting that time and space, your relationship will always depend on how close you were back in the day. I have a friend that we invested in deeply with probably over 10 years ago. And now if I see him, it's easy for me to reconnect with him and kick it off from where we left off.

22:54But that's what we're doing. We're kicking off from over 10 years ago because we don't have a dynamic live relationship right now. And so I have to ask myself, is this a relationship I want? Is this a relationship I care about? Is this a relationship that I value? Then let me make sure I'm having these one-to-one conversations with. I've noticed this because I've got friends back in London that I do talk to on the phone one-on-one. I've noticed that those are the relationships that satisfy me the most. Those are the relationships that mean the most to me. and so really figure out how much of your time are you spending in groups and how much of your time are you spending one-to-one and I would argue, to really make sense of it I would say 75 % of our time should be spent one-on-one with the people we care about and 25 % should be spent in groups group time is amazing it's exciting, it's fun, it's helpful in different ways it's healing in different ways but it's so important to have that one-to-one time sometimes the reason we've disconnected from people or we've distanced ourselves from people is that we're protecting ourselves from unwanted drama or unwanted anxiety so we stay distanced right like maybe we didn't have a closer conversation maybe we didn't figure out a relationship conversation maybe we haven't had the uncomfortable or awkward discussion and we realize if i just stay far away from this i never have to have it how many of you have felt that way well you actually want to be close to someone but you stay away from them because you know it requires a really painful conversation now the challenge here is you're missing out on a potentially amazing relationship that person might be sitting there wondering what's going wrong as well and what's happened to that relationship as well and we almost miss out on the depth of connection but i understand it i understand it but what we've done is instead of setting a boundary, we've set a barrier.

24:56This is a really important point I want you to listen to. So often when we're trying to set boundaries, we end up setting barriers. Barriers keep others out. Boundaries keep us safe from ourselves. Barriers make us believe the problem is the way someone treats us. Boundaries are us understanding and accepting that we need to treat ourselves better. Don't get so busy building a barrier that you lose out on a relationship or a friendship because you were actually meant to set a boundary. What I mean by this is if I reached out to someone and said, hey, you know what? I know we haven't talked in a while and I always felt, and by the way, I did this last year.

25:44I remember talking to a friend and just saying hey man like i think we got distant a while ago and this was the reason i got distant and this is why i felt we got distant and i'd love to hear your thoughts now i've lifted the barrier that i've placed and i'm allowing to hear this now once that person has shared how they feel with me which they did we can now set a healthier boundary of how we'd like to deal with that moving forward together. And so a boundary is often something you can both build. And maybe it's not even a boundary. Maybe it's a bridge. Maybe it's a bridge you're building and say, this is when we cross it.

26:23And this is when we don't. And I think that building a bridge back to someone with a conversation is a really healthy way to restart, rekindle, re-spark something that was meaningful to us before. Now the biggest point I want to make today is this one. A sign that you feel like you don't fit in, the sign that you don't feel disconnected, is also a sign that you're growing. It's a sign that you're evolving. It's a sign that you're moving forward and you're finding your way. The difference to know this, to know whether you're growing up or whether you're growing apart, is whether you're bitter or not.

27:06If you're growing up, you won't be bitter. You'll realize that person was a season. That person was a reason, right? And then you'll grow up. But if you're growing apart or growing bitter, that's when you're thinking, oh yeah, gosh, they're not the same. You're complaining. You're finding faults. You're like, oh yeah, like they did this to me. They did that to me. They should have done this to me. They should have done that to me. And now we're not growing. We're just growing apart from them. So I would ask you and encourage you to think about the fact that if you don't fit in anymore, that's okay.

27:38We all go through growth spurts. We go through growth phases. I know the plants in my house are outgrowing their pots all the time, right? They got to say bye-bye to that soil. I know nothing about plants, but I know that much that they definitely outgrow some of the pots that they were planted in. And that's okay. And you might be going through that right now, but what we got to be careful of is don't let growing up become growing bitter because growing bitter creates a environment of gossip of fault finding of complaining and when we start complaining and fault finding we find ourselves stuck in that space for much longer than we ever ever imagined.

28:24I hope that these themes help you today to repair friendships that are important to you. I hope they help you deepen your relationships with the people around you. And I often find that our best relationships with people are when we do difficult things together. What I mean by that is the reason why some of our older relationships are our strongest ones is because those people stuck with us through our greatest growth periods. Our first breakup, our first job, our first redundancy, our first child, our first divorce. Those relationships, because they helped you survive a pain point for you, or you helped them survive a pain point for them, is the reason why they're so strong.

29:12Strong relationships are not built because you went to the movies together. strong relationships are not built because you message each other on social media strong relationships are not built because you went to a concert together they're built because you helped each other do hard things so don't shy away when your friends need help don't shy away when you need help to ask for help because that's when our best bonds are created and stop looking at what people can do for you and start focusing on how much you do for them when they need it and how available you are to others as well. Thank you so much for listening to On Purpose.

29:52I hope you're listening every day. I hope you're listening multiple times a day. Remember, we have over 500 episodes of interviews and solos for you to go back to. This was On Purpose. Thank you for choosing us to listen, learn, and grow. And I'll see you soon. If you loved this episode, you'll love my interview with Dr. Gabor Mate on understanding your trauma and how to heal emotional wounds to start moving on from the past. Everything in nature grows only where it's vulnerable. So a tree doesn't grow where it's hard and thick, does it? It grows where it's soft and green and vulnerable. Mental health is now talked about more than ever, which is awesome.

30:30I mean, I don't have to tell you that it's a primary focus of On Purpose. But on a day-to-day basis, many people don't know where to turn or which tools can help. Over the past couple of years, I've been working with Calm to make mental wellness accessible and enjoyable, or as I like to say, fun and easy. Calm has all sorts of content to help you reduce anxiety and stress, build mindful habits, improve sleep, and generally feel better in your daily life. So many bite-sized options from the most knowledgeable experts in the world, along with renowned meditation teachers. You can also check out my 7-minute daily series to help you live more mindfully each and every day.

31:10Right now, listeners of On Purpose get 40 % off a subscription to Calm Premium at calm.com forward slash j. That's c-a-l-m dot com forward slash j-a-y for 40 % off. Calm your mind, change your life.