⁠BENNY BLANCO: The Secret to Failing Your Way to Success

22:00And it's like such a process. And I'm really, really working on myself to try to be able to get there quicker. That's where I know I've failed in our relationship, where I'm actively trying my hardest to overcome that. And I haven't done it yet. I've failed at that, but I'm getting closer every day. I got on a plane recently. She's the only reason I've been able, I haven't flown in eight years.

22:27Jay Shetty:Talk to us about that phobia. Why does it exist? Where did it come from? I think it's control. And I had a bad flight and then had a few. And I fly occasionally, but I haven't flown in eight years. and trying to get better for her and for this book. This book helped me fly. I said, how could I go on and be selling everyone on a book on failures when I failed at something and I haven't done it? I haven't done it. So I woke up one morning and I said, I'm getting on a plane. I can't, even if it's one time, I have to inch my way closer. And I got on a plane and I was scared shitless. but I did it because in the back of my head, I was thinking, I can't lie to these people, one.

23:12And two, I gotta be a fucking better husband. Gotta be a better husband. It was like an hour and change flight.

23:18Jay Shetty:Yeah, so that's good. You tested the waters. It wasn't like, I'm gonna take like a 10 hour flight. No, no, no, no, no. It was like hour, it was domestic. It's like to Vegas or to like Arizona or something. I wanted to get off before I got on. And I just, I just told myself, I was like, I can't. I gotta get a little bit further. I gotta get just a little bit closer. And I wasn't trying to, I wasn't trying to like conquer it all that day. I said, just get on this one flight. Just get on this one flight. And that's what I kept telling myself. And I got on and I was scared, but I made it. I remember I called Selena after.

23:56I was like, I did the flight. She's like, are you ready to fly tomorrow? And then I was like, not yet, but I'm on my way.

24:04Jay Shetty:There's so much to that in this whole idea of F failure, because it's like, you started small, you did a flight that was one hour away. You said, just take this one flight, just post that one video, take that one step, make that one song, just start with one. And then the idea that it's not that it suddenly took away all your fear and suddenly took away all your insecurity. It just, it got you one step closer. It got me closer. Yeah. It got me close. And you don't have to, you don't have to climb the mountain in one day. A lot of people get overwhelmed with all the tasks in front of them. That's what I noticed the most with people.

24:43They get overwhelmed with, okay, so I want to start a podcast. Well, if I start a podcast, I need to get the cameras. And then if I get the cameras, I need to get the microphones. And then I need to find guests. And then who are the guests going to, I think just like focus on one part at a time. I never try to do too much at once. I had to turn down so many projects as a songwriter and producer where like the four-year-old me would be like crying that I had to do this. But I knew if I spread myself too thin, I wouldn't be able to focus on what was important. And I like to be laser focused on like one thing at a time.

25:23Everyone wants to build the house in a day. You got to, let's start with the foundation. And ooh, then like, let's like put the gravel in. Ooh, let's put, you know what I mean? I think it takes time. And people want to be a success story overnight. And I think Instagram, Twitter, or X, whatever it's called, TikTok made people want to accelerate so much. And to me, you know, you see someone's, now you just click a button and you see someone's success. It's already done. And people get jealous. And they said, well, I want to be famous. Like when I was younger, nobody just said I want to be famous.

25:58Like that wasn't a thing. You wouldn't just say like, oh, I want to be famous. People had a goal. I wanted to be the best soccer player in the world. I want to be the best basketball player in the world. I want to be the best rights activists in the world. I wanted to be this. And I think people need to find a passion.

26:18Jay Shetty:You tell some amazing stories of some people who are now famous in the book. I wanted you to tell the Bruno Mars story because I thought that was incredible to read that he used to be an Elvis impersonator. And I was like, I didn't even know that. When he was a kid, he was an Elvis impersonator. I remember the first time I worked with Bruno, I brought him to the studio and he wasn't known yet. This was years before he was known. He gets in the studio, he writes a song, he is harmony, he's everything. It was so unbelievable to watch. And I remember being like, oh my God, this guy's insane. This is the crazy part about Bruno.

26:57He was signed to a record deal and he got dropped. Then he had to start again and he's writing songs for people, doing anything he could. And he wrote a bunch of songs that people started recording. He did Billionaire for Travi McCoy. He did Nothing On You for B.O.B. He was the demo vocalist on the chorus and they were trying to get all these big people to be the feature and take him off because he wasn't an artist yet and he was so good that one of my friends who signed him this guy named Aaron Bashock he he he was like we got to keep this guy on the records like we have to put this guy on the song and everyone's like no no it'll he's no name no it'll never sell and they couldn't find anyone who could sing the demo as good as him.

27:46And then he gets on the record, nothing on you becomes a number one song. I remember he, I was working with him right, right after that song first happened. And he said, somebody noticed me in the airport. He goes, I'm going to be fucking huge. I remember he said, you know what the funniest part was it was right when Mike Posner was really big with the song cooler than me. And I was showing him, we were in the studio and I was showing him clips of Mike Posner performing at like a sold out college. I remember we were walking around and we like got food and he was like, man, one day I'm not even going to be able to walk through the streets like this.

28:24And he had that drive and he kept failing. He failed so many times and nobody believed in him. And, and, you know, he's signed, he's dropped, he's trying to place his songs. He's getting kicked off the song. They putting him back on because they got no other choice. And his sheer talent mixed with will and fight and drive made him who he is today. He works harder than any person I know. He will work on a song for three years straight, changing the production, new production. Yes. There is nobody in the world that works on their music as hard as he does. He's the hardest working man in show business.

29:03Wow. That's a big statement. Anybody who's ever worked with him or who knows him would echo my sentiment from the top of a mountain. The reason he is where he is today is because of his work, his ethic, his amnesia to failure, and his sheer willingness to dust himself off and try again, over and over again. And he also happens to be the most talented singer in the world, so that doesn't hurt either. Yeah, I've seen him perform live a few times. He's unbelievable.

29:30Jay Shetty:He's unbelievable. He's so good. This episode is brought to you by Chase Sapphire Reserve. One of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves is the chance to step outside of our routine. Travel is a way of slowing us down and shifting our perspective. And with the Chase Sapphire Reserve card, every journey becomes even more rewarding. Earn four times the points on flights and hotels booked direct. Enjoy access to award-winning airport lounges, three times the points on dining and reserve exclusive tables. Learn more at chase.com forward slash sapphire reserve. Cards issued by JPMorgan Chase Bank, NA member, FDIC, subject to credit approval.

30:12Jay Shetty:Terms apply. This episode is brought to you by Indeed. I know how important every hire is for a business. If you need to make the right hire, this is a job for sponsored jobs. Indeed sponsored jobs helps find quality candidates when you need them most. You can reach who you need based on whatever criteria you're looking for, like skills, certifications, or location. In fact, people are finding quality hires on Indeed right now. In the minute I've been talking to you, companies like yours made 27 hires on Indeed, according to Indeed data worldwide. Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes.

30:50Jay Shetty:Listeners of this show will get a$75 sponsored job credit at indeed.com forward slash podcast. That's indeed.com forward slash podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? This is a job for Indeed-sponsored jobs. This episode is brought to you by Whole Foods Market. If you're talking about quality food, you can't forget Whole Foods Market, who've been holding themselves to the highest standards since they opened in 1980. That means you'll see thousands of organic products across their stores, from the produce department to the aisles. It also means you'll never see certain ingredients. They've banned artificial sweeteners and colors, high fructose corn syrup and more, so you can shop with peace of mind.

31:36Jay Shetty:Shop Whole Foods Market, in-store or online. This episode is brought to you by Walden University. Balancing work, life and big goals isn't easy. That's why Walden University helps working professionals get the W with tempo learning, so you can earn your degree at your own pace while gaining practical skills through real-life scenarios. You'll also learn from faculty with real-world experience and have support start to finish. Walden University, set a course for change. Ready to start? Visit waldenu.edu today. Certified to operate by Shev, Tempo Learning, available in select programs. the reason why I asked you about how have you failed as a husband was because there's a story in the book that you tell and the reason why I loved it so much is because I think when we watch people like you or you watch people like Bruno Mars or you watch people like Celino whoever it may be you think you have to try and be like them and in the book you have this great story where you say to Ed you're like Ed tell me about what's happening in your life like don't try and write about someone else's life or something that feels right.

32:50Jay Shetty:Most of us fail because we're trying to be good at being someone else rather than starting as just being the bad version of ourself. If you start as the bad version of yourself, you'll become a phenomenal version of yourself. But if you start as a bad version of someone else, you're not going anywhere. My friend said something that always stuck with me. He said, be yourself because everyone else is taken. And I love that. Just be original, be you. It's okay. Look at me. Like, I am like the antithesis of like what I became and what I'm supposed to be. And I always am just true to myself. And I was with Ed Sheeran and we had just finished a show in Toronto.

33:39And we went to this like Drake, it was when Drake and Future put out that album together. We went to like the after party and it was like so cool. We're like having the time of our lives. We leave, we get on the bus. And the way it works is when you're on tour and you're going back to America, what they do is they wake you back up at the border patrol. We said, I don't want to have to get woken up and then go to sleep again. Let's write a song. Okay. And this is all on film. You can see this. This was documented in a documentary. we start writing a song and Ed's writing it about like being in love with like an older woman that's like his next door neighbor and it was like he was like kind of copying the graduate the movie I was like Ed I don't want to write about this what's going on in your life what's going on right now he was like I don't want to write a song about that person because then I'm like giving them the satisfaction that I know they don't deserve.

34:41And it was about an ex. I said, well, why don't we write a song about you not wanting to write a song about it? And he looked at me like I was crazy. And the first thing he said was, I don't want to write a song because I don't want anyone to think that I care because I don't. That became one of the most important lyrics in Love Yourself, which became a Justin Bieber song. In that moment, him just letting go of everything and not worrying about it and just like speaking from his heart and being his true self is what inspired that song. That's why so many people connect to that song because it's that true feeling that people have.

35:23I think that's why people connect to music in general because if you're having an experience, somebody else is having that same experience somewhere. And I think it just goes back to how you should always just be yourself. Don't try to be somebody else you're not because it's not going to be you. So you can't keep it up forever. You can't keep up a facade forever. So just be yourself. Be yourself and people can take you as you are. And if you fail, you fail. If you succeed, you succeed and you keep moving.

35:56Jay Shetty:The reason why I love that, and I'm so glad you shared it. And I just want everyone to know when you get this book, this book is filled with story after story, page after page. Like the amount of awesome stories you have is unbelievable. Like when I was reading the book, I was like, oh my God, there was this song and this and this person, like it's unbelievable. But the reason why I asked you that is because there's so much failure in it. So first of all, Ed's gone through a breakup, which is a sort of failure. Yep. Then he's trying to write a song that isn't really him which is a sort of failure and then you say to him well write from your own experience and then all of a sudden it hits and I go that's what we're all getting wrong like we're scared to put out that video on Instagram or TikTok or we're scared to write the book that really is what we care about or we're scared to start a company based on what we actually need when that's the thing people are going to resonate with.

36:47Jay Shetty:Yeah. People just want to fit in. Yeah. You know what's crazy? Also, the chorus to that song used to be, you should go and fuck yourself. Okay. And I said to him, I don't want it to be fuck yourself. Because in 60 years, are people going to want to be singing that? Like, does that sound like a classic to you? I said, if we do something else, let's give people the same message, but be a little bit more thoughtful. And I'm all for using fuck and I'm all for using stuff, using profanities. But when it makes sense, I didn't think we needed in that in that moment because I thought we could get the same sentiment in a more clever way.

37:32So we failed again. Then it took us sending it to Justin and then having him record it. And then it saw the light of day. And then it was the number one song. And there were so many times where that idea could have stopped. Failure, embarrassment, all of those things could have stopped this idea from happening. But we kept pushing through and we kept the freight train going and we kept that undeniable belief in ourselves. That's what people need in themselves. You need to believe, just believe that it's all going to happen. It's all going to work out somehow, somehow. how. I always talk to my friend about this, where we'll be like in a world where it's never, there's no finish line in sight.

38:20We have no idea how we're going to get there. But I always say, I trust that it's all going to work out because it usually does. It's either going to work out in the sense that you'll get to that finish line and it'll be exactly how you want and it'll be well-received and people will love it and you'll love it. Or you'll get to that finish line, you'll do it and you'll say, shit, this didn't work out how we wanted it to. Let's go back and look at where we made our mistakes and not make the same ones the next time. Still a success to me.

38:46Jay Shetty:Yeah. You just reminded me of two things. One thing I say is you'll get to where you want in life, just not in the way you imagined it. Exactly. Because I've always got to where I want in life, just not the path or the road that I thought my life was going to take. One of my favorite quotes from John Lennon is he said, everything will work out in the end. And if it hasn't worked out, it's not the end. And I love that because it just makes you realize that you're going to find another way, another door, another pivot. And why I brought this story up is because even for you, when you first started making music, people compared you and said your work sounded like Timberland and Pharrell.

39:21Jay Shetty:So it's not even you telling Ed to sound like himself. People were telling you, what did you do when you heard that? I mean, first of all, it's a phenomenal compliment because we grew up on, me and you're the same age, like Pharrell and Timberland were like - I'm from Virginia. Yeah. Unbelievable. Those guys were and are some of my favorite producers in the world. And I was copying them. I wasn't being myself. I wasn't being true to myself. I was trying to fit in and I was trying to make something that would work musically and that everyone would latch onto. And I remember I played that for an A &R who's now my manager and has been my manager the whole time.

39:58Talking about Andrew? Andrew. Andrew, shut up. I played it for and he said, if I wanted a Timbaland or Pharrell production, I would just go to them. I want to know what a Benny production sounds like. And then I remember I went back to the drawing board and I said, what does a Benny production sound like? And I started making stuff and it was really weird. It was really quirky. And at the beginning, nobody understood it. They didn't get it. I didn't get those like short-term placements, but I created something that down the road, after many, many failures and bumping my head against the wall, something clicked.

40:36And I became my own person. I became something unique. And people are always looking for something different and unique. The easy, they can slot in something like that's going to work in the moment. But that's like low hanging fruit. You don't want to be low hanging fruit. You want to be that diamond in the rough. You want to be that needle in the haystack. And to achieve that, you have to put yourself out there in ways that might, you know, show your bum for a little bit, you know, and it might be a little embarrassing and it might not get the results or the response that you want right away.

41:13But if you're doing something that's special and you're not just following, then that's where you can get those explosive returns that you want.

41:22Jay Shetty:Have you ever embarrassed yourself really badly in front of a big manager decision maker artist can you tell us an example you know the first time i worked with sizza i could have gone in there and i could have played her beats that like some other guy could make way better than me and tried to just get one on her project but when i went in there i wanted to hear her do a ballad because i knew and i went with guitar because i knew, I hear her influences and I hear things that she hadn't totally done yet, but that she had done a little bit. Like, you know, she had made, you know, Supermodel. She had done records that sounded like that a little, but I wanted to make something that I knew she was not only capable of, but could do better than other people that do in that other genre.

42:13I mean, SZA is a true, true leader. She is not afraid to fail. She will do stuff that's what she wants to do. If everyone's going left, she's going right. And that's what a great artist does. So I've played things for people that would embarrass the hell out of me. And sometimes people are like, no, next. To Selena, I say what's on my mind. Whether it's not the cool macho thing to do, I say like, I miss you. Like I really could use some extra cuddles or hugs right now. And maybe that doesn't make me sound like the coolest guy in the world. And sometimes, oh, babe, I'm feeling, you know, really vulnerable right now.

42:57And I could use your like motivation and you're just so good at talking to me. And I don't have to be the strongest guy in the room with the Superman cape on. I could take that cape off and use it as a tissue if I need to every now and again. Okay, so maybe that would leave me embarrassed in a room. I could be in a business meeting with like guys talking about like investments. And I might say, hey, I don't know what that means. Can you guys explain that to me? I don't need to know everything in every moment. I don't need to be a know-it-all. I might say, what are we talking about here? Sorry, I'm just not well-versed in this.

43:32And it might make me seem to be like, you don't know what a blah, blah, blah tax return is. And I honestly, no, I have no idea what it is. And I might make a little joke about it too. And I'm not afraid to do that. And I'm not afraid because what? I'm just going to pretend I know what everyone's talking about. It's okay to not be fully educated on something. It's okay. It's okay to ask questions.

43:55Jay Shetty:What does Selena say to you when you say I'm not feeling motivated or I'm feeling vulnerable? She'll either say something super inspirational or also say me too. And I'll just sit there, watch a movie or something. She's like a silver linings girl. She's always guides me to the silver lining. And I'm very optimistic, but in certain times, maybe you're not. And she always puts everything to perspective in a great way. And you need a partner that can do that for you. Sometimes I think people who are successful are trying to be successful. They don't revel in their own wins. like they try to act like it's like oh like your song went number one it's like okay cool it's like no that's really fucking cool don't be too cool to like revel in your wins yeah you just won a championship that's awesome go celebrate tell your friends you know some people are so focused and i've been guilty of it when i was younger of just like focusing on the next thing and next thing you're gonna have a time in your life where you're not on top and you'll be like whoa why didn't I take the time to really savor that moment?

45:05Jay Shetty:Yeah. You were talking about the stool earlier. And I was thinking that that makes so much sense when you're in a good place in your life. But early in your career, you were working on the Britney Spears circus album and you wanted to step away. And you were told that you'd lose your credit if you did that. Talk to me about how balance was not possible at that time. I was in a situation where I was making an album and I was working with some people and I had a long distance relationship with a girlfriend and she was going to be in New York for a very short period of time and that was like the only time she was going to be there and then she was going to go back home to where she lived in Europe and I had to stay and work on this thing this Britney Spears album I remember telling everyone I said guys I gotta go I gotta go see my partner.

45:59And they said, okay, you can go. But if you go, we're gonna take your name off the song. And I said, because I'm gonna go for two days, I'll be right back. I'll be right back. I'm gonna miss one day of work. And then the other day is a weekend. I'll be right back. They said no. And I remember standing up for myself in that moment. And I wasn't afraid. I was, but I was pretending I wasn't afraid. And I said, fuck you guys. Like, I'm going to do this thing. If you want to take it away, you can take it away. I know I'll be able to like keep making great music in my life. Like if you take it away, that's on you guys.

46:42Because me leaving for 36 hours, like to see someone I haven't seen in like three months and I'm probably not going to see for another three months. I'm willing to take that risk because I needed to fill that part of my life up. what am I going to do stay there and be miserable and I was like you take it away and I know I know my worth I know that I can create something great truly spectacular so take it away if you want and I remember I did it and setting that boundary I came back it was fine nothing when I came back nothing happened still got that got to do both things setting boundaries in your career and goals you're doing and setting boundaries sometimes also for yourself.

47:28Like I set a boundary for myself where I say every night I'm going to make sure I eat dinner and have like a meal with, you know, my wife, with friends, with myself, with whoever it is. Like really take the time to have a dinner and not just be like scarfing something down like in the thing, like because that's important to me. And there's certain things like I made a boundary where I was like, I'm not going to work on weekends anymore unless it's like a deadline that I have to do.

47:57Jay Shetty:I mean, but that's huge confidence at that point in your career. Like that's a big album. It's a big artist. But I knew no matter what happened, I'd be okay. That's insane though. That's, that's pretty impressive. But I never did anything for money. I was never about, so what's the worst thing that could happen? Okay, so I lose that opportunity, but I do what I thought was the right thing to do. And sometimes you can't please every single person and you have to be okay with whatever the outcome is. Ultimately, I was okay. I mean, obviously I was scared shitless. You know, when I did that, I really needed that song.

48:35I needed those songs. Those were like some of my first really big songs and I needed that to happen. But, you know, I laid it out all out on the table and I made that decision. And sometimes making those scary, scary decisions work out for you. And it's like, I did it. I did it.

48:54Jay Shetty:This episode is brought to you by Ultra. Making space for ourselves matters. Having time and room to try new things. Our feet benefit from more space too. That's why Ultra Running Shoes feature ultra fit design, giving toes more room for comfort and balance. Helping feet feel stronger. These aren't just running shoes. They're perfect for walking, hiking, any pace, any level. They feel right from the first step. Go to ultrarunning.com forward slash on purpose and use code PURPOSE10 for 10 % off. That's A-L-T-R-A running.com forward slash on purpose. Stay out there. That's what I love about your story in this book though is that you've made scary decisions on one end on Britney Spears Circus, huge artist, huge album.

49:40Jay Shetty:And then you make scary decisions because you want to make issues with Julia Michaels, even though so many other people want this song and you choose to back an artist that's not really known at the time. Like, talk to me about that risk-taking because I think one thing is like, I'm going to lose a Britney Spears credit and an album, that's huge risk. But then the other risk is I've got a song that actually all the big artists want and I'm going to trust a newer artist. Julia Michaels, at this point, starting to become a really big songwriter, okay? Her song just went number one. Sorry by Justin Bieber just went number one on Billboard.

50:16I remember we got her a cake and champagne, and she was really sad. I asked her why she was sad, and she was going through a really rough time, and she had just broken up with her boyfriend. I said, you know, let's write a song. We go in, we write a song with Justin Tranter and Stargate, and it just falls out of her. It's magic, okay? It falls out of her. issues happens so quickly. She was not an artist. She was just a songwriter. And I didn't know this, but she was toying around with the idea of becoming an artist. And I remember the song was cut by so many people. So many people wanted this song.

50:54And she called me and she said, I just signed a record deal. And I want this song to be the first song I put out. It's the first song I've written where I think it really is me. It's me. And I feel weird giving it to someone else. And there was a lot of pressure from a lot of other people who wanted to give the song to other huge artists that wanted, established artists at the time, like big, big artists that had number one records. I remember she said, please, she said, go fight for me for this song. You know, she was only one part of the song. And I remember I really went to bat for her because I said, A, she's never done that before.

51:35She's never come to me like that. B, she's really passionate about this. And who am I to tell, like, these words just fell from her lips. Like, it was something she was really going through. And C, I felt the fire. I felt a fire. When someone has that fire behind them, I'm ready to go on the ride. I'm ready to roll the dice. I'm a risk taker. I've always been a risk taker. I'm always going to bet on what I think is good, regardless of if it's a big artist, small artist and it took a long time that took a lot of convincing but everyone agreed we give her the song the song comes out song is a fucking huge hit launches her career she has such a perspective and that song had such a perspective and I remember she got when she got nominated for a song of the year at the Grammys I was just like wow in that moment it didn't click for me I was like wow this song could have been anyone else's and who I don't even know if it would have become what it became because it felt so real coming from her.

52:39And yeah, of course, I could have taken that low hanging fruit and have the song come out with like some established artist. But there's nothing like breaking a new artist. She was a brand new artist, like plucked out of obscurity. This was the first song she ever released. And then it becomes a number one hit on radio. And it's getting nominated for Grammys. Like we did it. We took that risk. And it was scary to take that risk. There were people telling me like, are you crazy? Give it to this person. But we did it. And we went with our gut and we trusted our instincts. And we did what we thought was right for the song and didn't take that like cheap thrill.

53:16Jay Shetty:Those are my favorite types of stories to hear that. Like the risk that was taken, the personal sense of the song. Is it true that you don't have a Grammy? I think I might not have one. I don't think so. I don't think I technically have a Grammy. Does that feel like a failure? Someone else isn't going to justify what's failure or success to me. Sometimes you get in the room with someone. I have plenty of people that I've gotten in the room with them. We've made songs and nothing ever came out, but we became great friends. And now I'm friends with that person. we have memories. That's not a failure to me.

54:01You know, sometimes a song fails, you learn something from that song, and you put it in your next song. You know, that's not a failure to me. I guess it would be cool to get one. But I don't like I'm not really like staying up late at night, being like, Oh, my God, I gotta get one. You know, I mean, yeah, I'm sure I've been nominated like a lot of times. I don't think about that type of stuff. I think about like, do I love this? Do my friends love it? Like my friends, uh, liking something is way more important to me.

54:36Jay Shetty:What was something that you thought was your biggest failure that turned out to be your biggest win? When we made Diamonds with Sia, I remember Stargate was sending it to Rihanna and I was like really like I don't know about this song I guess I trust you guys you know I was trusting my collaborators they sent it in and then a guy named Tata that works with Jay-Z made one change that made it like really good and then they worked on it and I was like oh it's good and then I remember we got the demo back after Rihanna sang it and I was like oh my god this is so good. How did I not see this? And then it was like a huge number one.

55:23And that goes to like, not always thinking you have all the answers. I don't have all the answers. And I trusted the people around me and I listened and I took advice and I took criticism and I could have easily like tried to shut the thing completely down, but I listened to the people around me.

55:40Jay Shetty:How do you know when to listen to the people around you and when to ignore them? in the studio a long time ago. We were writing a song, me, a bunch of big songwriters. We got stuck on the last line of a chorus. My friend, not a songwriter, nothing, was in the other room and said, hey, what about this? And we said, oh, that's not bad. And we put it in the song and this person has no songwriting credits at all. What was it? And then Jim Class Hero's ass back home. And he just said, what about get your ass back home? And we couldn't think of the line. And he's never written another song after that.

56:24And that's his only songwriting credit. And he like, yeah, and like made a ton of money of it. And he's just like our friend. And that's like, that's why no idea is better than the other person's idea. Someone can have a stroke of genius at any moment.

56:41Jay Shetty:Benny, in the book, you talk about how at one point in your life, you were successful in your career, but you were physically and mentally failing. Oh, yeah. Talk to me about the darkest day, the hardest day that you've lived. I was probably like 20 and maybe I was 21. You know, I wasn't prepared. Everything came at me so fast. I had no stool going on, no work-life balance. Like it was all work. I was just so into working all the time. And I was surrounded by people who did the same thing, staying up for days and days on end. And it got to me. It all got to me. I remember I went home to visit my mom.

57:26I was like in bed and I was like crying. And I was like, oh, I was like, I just don't think I can do this anymore. And I was like, just like anything, like life, like anything. I wasn't able to handle it. and I was doing so well career-wise. So nobody knew. And the way that music happens is sometimes like your songs come out like way after you make them. So to everyone else, I was like pumping songs out, but I was like in bed for like six months, couldn't get out of my own way. Had agoraphobia. I was like scared to do anything. My like tics were through the roof. My anxiety was through the roof.

58:05I used to walk around with my hand held like this because I thought if I like took it away, like my neck would like dislocate and it would fall off my head. I started seeing a therapist and started doing cognitive behavioral therapy and I started getting my life in order and I started setting boundaries for myself where I like wouldn't work past a certain time. To the outside world, it looked like I had everything, but to the inside world, I was like crumbling. I think that happens a lot. I think people look at other people because on Instagram, like everyone's posting, like they're like, they're like having the best time.

58:43They're on vacation. They're doing this. They're doing that. They're like, but some people are fucking hurting. In the beginning, I was hiding it from everyone. And I thought I had to be this like macho, like carry the world on my back. But like, you don't have to do that. I learned it the hard way, but I vowed from that moment that I would never, ever put myself in a situation where I don't put my health, my mental health first.

59:11Jay Shetty:When was the last time you cried out of pain? Loss, grief, stress? I was stressed. I was working a lot. I was on a few deadlines. Usually I space everything out enough, but the way it all landed, occasionally, maybe once or twice a year, it lands all at the same time. I remember sitting there and I was just in the shower, like real, real dramatic cry on the shot. Like your head's against the wall. You're like doing the thing. So I'm somehow crying in the shower. It feels so good. It's like, it's like a movie. It's like, and I was like, and I was like doing like the uncontrollable cry. I remember I got out and I told Selena and I said, how am I going to do all this stuff?

1:00:02and you know business is so crazy because someone will tell you it's like hurry up hurry up hurry up hurry up we need to do this and then like you do it and then everything stands still it doesn't get put out till like way later it's like this rush to just wait and i don't know if it's like that in your world but it is in my world we're like rushing rushing so sometimes you got to be like

1:00:26Jay Shetty:you know what hold the fuck on yeah i'm like that too and i gotta see what's really going on and i take a step back and i learned this in therapy sometimes you literally have to take your chair out stand up and i actually walk away i walk away from the situation i literally will be sitting there writing everything down and i say you have time you have time pull yourself together figure out which things are the most important. Time management, I think, is so important in success and understanding what things take priority, what things can wait a second, and being able to read the room and read a situation and get your affairs in order, I think is like one of the most important things in becoming successful.

1:01:15I think it's so important because you can get, even me, I've been doing it for 20 something years. I got overwhelmed in that moment and I got and it took over me and I couldn't do anything. It made me completely unproductive. I wasn't thinking about anything. And all it took was me stepping away from the situation, gathering my composure, realizing, OK, maybe this isn't as important right now. Maybe this thing you're going to slip. You can't please everyone. You don't have to go to six dinners with your friends. You don't have to do that you don't have to be superhero to everyone. You can protect yourself in that moment.

1:01:50You can protect your sanity. You can protect your workflow. And it just took some rejiggering. And then I like figured it out. If I hadn't failed in so many situations, I hadn't failed when I was 20 years old and got had to go to therapy to learn that toolbox that I have in cognitive behavioral therapy where it's okay to let some people down. It's okay to step back. It's okay to say no. Saying no is so important. I used to think I had to please every fucking person on planet Earth. But really what you're doing is you're saying yes to something, and then you're like dragging your feet on it, maybe not doing it in the long run, and then you're just saying no to them way later and then making them more upset.

1:02:28Sometimes it's more powerful in that moment to say, you know what, honestly, I have too much shit on my plate right now. And saying yes to you right now, I might do it half-ass. I might never do it in the first place and just drag it out forever. It's going to do a disservice to your work, my work, our friendship. And then no is actually the nice thing to say in that moment. The power of no is so important and you have to be confident in yourself to say no.

1:02:55Jay Shetty:I can agree with you more. I think that's a big part of learning in life is getting to be able to say no to stuff. It's like, it's so easy to just keep saying yes to people, opportunities. Benny, it's been amazing to talk to you as always. I love having you on the show. You're a great friend. You're incredible to talk to. You're unbelievable at what you do. You're an amazing storyteller. This book is full of amazing stories and advice that I can't wait for people to read and listen to. And I think people are going to have fun listening to this book because as I was reading it, I was like, oh, this is Benny's voice.

1:03:23Jay Shetty:This is going to be a lot of fun. There's an audio book. Yeah, I'm excited for that. I will tell you this. I didn't need to write this book. It wasn't a thing I had to do. I wasn't doing this. This isn't like a money play. I wrote this book because I wish I had a handbook when I was trying to make it on the do's and don'ts. And I wish I had that little like voice over my shoulder because this is real shit. It's not from a guy who like wrote a textbook. Like I actually did it. I failed. I've succeeded. I've succeeded in so many ways that I never thought could be possible. I've really come out the other side and I've seen both sides of it.

1:04:05I've been at the lowest of lows and I've been at the highest of highs. And I took every piece of information I had in my journey along the way from myself and all my friends and I put it into a book. And I did it because people always come to me and ask me for advice. So now I can say, just get the book. You know what I mean? And if you see me in the street and you read the book and you still have questions, I'll answer them.

1:04:30Jay Shetty:I love that. That's your energy. Benny, we end every episode with the final five. Okay. These questions have to be answered in one sentence. Okay. You've done this before, so I changed the questions. So the first question is, what is your favorite memory with Selena? I'm like very allergic to bees and I got a bee sting and I had to take like a very high level of Benadryl and I couldn't keep my eyes open and I was exhausted. I was like falling asleep for like 12 hours. I remember just like laying in bed with Selena. And after I had like woken up and I like starting to feel good, we spent like a full 24 hours in bed, just talking, laughing, sleeping, cuddling, and just being, just existing.

1:05:23And there's no outside world, no anything. And I remember looking at her. I said, I could do this for the rest of my life. As long as someone was sneaking food under the door and our family came by every few weeks to say hi, I could stay in this room with you and feel peak happiness and I don't need to do anything else or see any other person for the rest of my life. And she said she felt the same. I think it was the best day of my life, maybe, besides our wedding. and it was so simple. There was nothing there. We just sat there.

1:06:01Jay Shetty:That's beautiful. Thank you for sharing that. Second question that I want to ask you is, tell us a story about the dirty feet on Friends Keep Secrets and the lack of showers. Explain yourself. I'm trying to save you here, Benny. It was a Dave's floors happen to be dirty. I'm going to take, I have no idea. Let's see. We're going to see if your feet are still dirty. Are they dirty? No, they're clean. Yeah. I can verify. They're very clean. But again, it happened in that moment. I don't care. I don't care. I care zero percent. They're usually clean. I guess they were dirty that time. Occasionally they're dirty.

1:06:39I like to walk outside with no shoes on. Yeah. That's why I got stung by a bee on my foot.

1:06:43Jay Shetty:Oh, is that? Oh, you got stung. Oh, God. Oh, my God. All right. Question number three. What did it feel like to become the internet's boyfriend the last time you were here with Selena? and the comment section was like, I want a Benny. It's funny. I didn't even see it. My mom was the first person. I don't really like, I'm definitely not looking at stuff of myself online. And then, you know, people started sending it to me. I thought it was sweet. It made me feel good. I'm sure there's equally terrible, disgusting things about me online as well. But I try. to treat my partner. I try to treat all my friends.

1:07:29I try to treat everyone I come in contact with love and grace. And I try not to judge people. And like, of course we're human and we do stupid things and we say stupid things all the time. But I just try not to be a hater. Like there's so many people out there's so much hate and so many people being like cruel in the world and talking. and it's so easy to talk poorly about someone. It's just as easy to like say something nice to someone. I wish the world was just a little bit nicer. Just like try to say something nice to someone. If you see someone in the street, especially if you see someone who looks like they need it or your friend or yourself look in the mirror, like try to be nice to yourself and everyone else around you.

1:08:11Jay Shetty:I think what it actually did was that interview was so viral, whether it was tiktok instagram youtube it was so powerful because i think everyone got to understand what masculinity can look like and what love can look like and that it wasn't this weakness and that it wasn't this lack of power in a relationship yeah to actually care about what your partner thinks wants and feels i feel like maybe it was a little bit of uh a breath of fresh share to like these like macho, like that, like nice guys finish last thing. Like a dickhead wrote that, like an asshole wrote that, like nice guys finish like first I'm finishing.

1:08:57Okay. I'm running and I try to be nice to everyone.

1:09:00Jay Shetty:You're a nice guy and you've got Selena Gomez. Yeah. You don't have to be like a butthole, like just be a nice guy. Don't be a, yeah. You have that chapter in the book. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly. Question number four, what's a failure that you worry about for the future? I don't want to fail in a big way for the people closest to me, my wife, my family, when I have kids. And of course I'll have micro failures, but I don't want to have like massive failures. I want to be a good parent. I think like being on your deathbed and be like, damn, I didn't do everything I should have done. You know, they always say the same thing.

1:09:41My mom worked in an assisted living home and she said, every person says the same exact thing. They wish they spent less time working and more time with their friends and family. I just try to do that as much as I can now.

1:09:57Jay Shetty:And fifth and final question, because I know your friends are so important to you. What makes a good friend? Someone who tells the truth to you. someone who can make you laugh, someone who can make you cry, and someone who can inspire you to be better. And maybe someone who can cook a good meal. You basically described yourself. No, no, no, no, no. All Benny ever does when he comes over, he goes, Jay, what have you eaten for dinner today? Yeah, you know what you had yesterday? I told you, I told you about that. Yeah, pistachio-crusted tofu. I had pistachio-crusted tofu. I had vegan ricotta with carrots.

1:10:35Jay Shetty:I had a pea mint soup last night. Last night I had a really good dinner. Was that all last night? That was all last night. Yeah. Cause I had a friend over for dinner. So you brought out all the bells and whistles. Oh man. I want to eat that meal. Yeah. It was good. It was good. I wish you had leftovers. It was really good. I'll check actually if you want some. I'll check. See guys, we're really friends outside of this. I'm going to go raid his fridge and eat some pistachio. You've been here a few times. I have. I have. You've always been good in that. I'm going to go check. We might. You're a good friend.

1:11:07Jay Shetty:I'll go and check. The book's called F Failure. Benny, I'm so proud of you. Congrats. Oh, yeah. Sorry. Go on. Don't say it. Don't say it. The book is called Failure. Yeah. I love it. Go grab your copy. Benny, thank you, man. Enjoy the honeymoon. Thank you, man. Thank you. For adults with Crohn's disease or ulcerative colitis symptoms, every choice matters. Trimphia offers self-injection or intravenous infusion from the start. Tremphaya is administered as injections under the skin or infusions through a vein every four weeks, followed by injections under the skin every four or eight weeks. If your doctor decides that you can self-inject Tremphaya, proper training is required.

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1:12:25May I present to you the award-winning staff of the Toledo Truth Teller. Slap me. Let's jostle something loose. Ay, yes! I like that. The certified fresh series returns. Your boss. You always like this? Or is this just an act? Oh no, this is mad. Oysters, everybody. It's a half hour. There's a certain satisfaction when you work with someone. Maybe we could be a family. You sadistic pig. The Paper. New season streaming September 9th, only on Peacock. This show gives me a reason to live. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work?

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