Bridget Bahl: The Diagnosis That Changed Everything (The Reality She Wasn’t Prepared For and the Perspective It Gave Her)

29:04Like what was going through your mind as you got ready and prepared? Yeah. So I had like kind of a bit of time because my cancer was hormone negative. I was able to do one more round of IVF. So I did the round of IVF and I was just the whole time thinking about I'm starting chemotherapy. Like what's going to happen? This is crazy. walking into your first chemo I personally felt physically amazing super healthy I went to Pilates the day before like I there's a lot of things you have to do felt a little bit like a ritual or something you have to get your nails taken off you have to get your hair extensions taken out you're kind of like removing all these things but I was like I'm gonna go to Pilates and work out I felt great.

29:51And then you know you're actively walking in there and you're putting something in your body that's going to make you very sick, potentially very sick. For me, it made me very, very sick. And to know, like, in order to survive, I have to do that. And I have to be like, okay, here we go. Like, put it in me, you know? And I think that was strange and a bit weird. But a friend of mine, Jill Martin, taught me very early on. She said to me, you have to reframe the way you think about chemotherapy. You cannot think of chemotherapy as something that's making you sick. You have to think of chemotherapy as something that's saving your life.

30:31And that's been a huge shift throughout the whole thing for me. Everything. I used to complain about having to go get my nails done. Like what? like I used to complain about having to go get my hair to my hair appointment and like I think when you go through something like this I'm like I cannot wait to go get my hair done I mean this is a wig but so I kind of got it done but like my own hair like I cannot wait for that and everything became like I got to come here today you know I don't have to I get to do things rather than I have to do things and I think that is like a life shift I was like okay like I had to go get my nails and like that's a privilege you know and like what about i think you're being hard on yourself too i think we're all we as in i think we all get into a space of familiarity and ingratitude and you take things for granted and i think all of us do that as humans i don't think it's just you whatever that may be everyone has their version of a hair or nail appointment or something in their life that they're like oh good about the nail because you're like it's such torture i can't be on my phone i'm like guys we're okay we're okay you know yeah but but but i think it hearing you say that really does put into perspective i was thinking about all the things that i take for granted or all the things that i as you said that to me just now and i think that's going to help a lot of people who are listening i was just thinking about all the things i say oh god i gotta do this i gotta do that oh my god i have to do this and it's like i have the ability to do it healthy and well.

32:00And that is something that you can't underestimate. And hearing about it through your perspective and how that shifted for you, I think that's a huge one. Yeah. It was a huge thing for me. And I also think I was so hard on myself before. I'm scrolling back through my phone and you know how it pops up a year ago or two years ago. I always thought my hair was so thin and I remember I was always like talking about that and like trying to fix that and it's okay I don't want to fix it and improve I can't wait for my thin hair to come back like I literally cannot wait so it's just like I just think we're all so hard on ourselves just know that it's like I mean I'm still learning too but I'm just like as I sit here with the big wig on but like you know like I got to wear a wig today I'm kind of pumped like we're like really picking on ourselves a lot.

32:53I want to somehow be able to teach girls that or like give them that perspective. I don't know how, but I've felt that like I, we're so hard on ourselves. It's almost like you'd wish you could teach humans to do that without going through pain because the pain is so intense and excruciating and terrible. But it's almost like that's a gift that you've developed by going through that, that, yeah, I don't know. I don't know if all of us can learn that without sadly going through something so difficult. It's a lot. It's hard. It's hard. Like, because you go from like, I mean, you get so sick and that's something else I struggled with a lot.

33:34Like when you're so, so sick, you, you are not even picking up the phone. Like there's, you can't film it. Like I wasn't hiding it, but I was so sick. Like there, you're on the bathroom floor. Mike made me a nice little bed on the bathroom floor. He would come and lay in there with me sometimes, but it was just like, you can't sit up. Like you're bleeding from everything you can bleed from. You're every day. It's like every part of your body. I mean, I didn't know anyone was sitting at their house that sick. Like I pictured I would get sick, but I did not picture. And everybody does handle it differently.

34:06I don't know that everyone gets this sick. My oncologist did say to me at one point, like some people tolerate it well and some people don't and then there's you you know so I think I I had a bad go at it but I struggled with showing it a lot because I definitely wanted to show show more but I also didn't want people to pity me and I didn't want it to seem performative but then I was like I also want to honor the people who are going through this like what if someone's watching this and one of their employees has someone going through this and they just don't know that that person like might be really really trying.

34:40And it's, there's a lot to it. They put you in medically induced menopause and you're like a hormonal teenager girl. And I'm like crying to Mike about anything you could ever imagine. You're not even yourself. How can you expect people to understand that? And how can I lead a team during all that and not be mad at myself? And you're just, it's so much. And I don't really know how to explain it. I don't know that there's a right way. Like I tried to share, but I definitely, if I'm being totally honest I would say I erred on the side of showing less because it's gruesome it's gruesome like horrific things it can do your body and you can't sit up you can't walk like I we had a launch for my brand one day and I crawled to the computer to get it to work like I was like this is just like the most humbling thing I cried once it was I remember during football season Mike was watching a football game and I was so hungry, but there was just such a price to pay.

35:34Like I had a lot of GI issues and there was such a price to pay if I ate that I was like starving and I'm not good at starving. I like to eat and I was just crying, like watching these commercials and I just want to eat. But I would, I ordered food once and like chew it and like spit it out because I just wanted to eat so badly. But there was a price to pay. It was coming out both ways. Everything you could imagine everything is inflamed and congested and it's not just like you're throwing up you're like in major pain and like my teeth have completely rotted like from all this like just things you you don't want to I didn't want to show that I wouldn't be mad if someone showed that I hope someone does but I I didn't want people to pity me so I didn't know exactly what to do with it there so I just went day by day and yeah did did what I could I I pushed Mike to to to remind me to post and he was like, sweetheart, just like don't.

36:28But I was like, but the only purpose I feel in this is when people write me and they say, I went in, I got checked. I'm not going to have to do chemo, Bridget. I was like, okay, there's something in this. Yeah. That's helping so many people. Even you're talking about it here right now, I'm sure there are so many people who go and self-exam. Self-exams, do your exams. Please, please like I think I'm like begging people I'm like please do it because before I went in to see my oncologist I was like I need to like have her do a self-exam on me I need to just figure this out and like this was the night before my appointment she's a very proper amazing oncologist I want her to do a breast exam on me and I want to film it and I'm like but I'll be like flagged for my nipples being out on Instagram right so I'm like Amazon Prime what can I get right and I'm like looking up pasties that you wear to like a rave.

37:21I could only find like this red glittery one. She walks in the next day. I'm like, can you teach us all how to do a self-examine? Can I film it? And she's like, what is that? Like, I literally had disco glitter pasties on and she's like super serious. But like it got sent to like 70 ,000 people like and people were like, I've never known if I was doing this right. And like she can explain it better than anyone else. Right. And now I feel like even watching that, like I know how to do one. And I think if anyone takes anything from this, like if you're listening to this and you're hearing this, like just right now, just like let's have a feel, like let's tonight do our self-exam.

37:57And what you're looking for is like you have to know your body, know your baseline, and you're looking for a change. So any change, and then you get checked. And you don't let yourself put it off, put it off, put it off because it's scary. That's what people tend to do. But there is no instance with this where finding out sooner is a bad thing. You know, it can definitely keep you out of chemotherapy. It can keep you at a lower stage. Like it's so important. So yeah, go in, get checked and like, just watch my video that I made and see me in my disco, you know, rave party outfit. What does beauty mean to you today?

38:35Oh, I'm working on that a little bit. Like I, I've always enjoyed fashion and makeup and all of this. I think that's great. I think that's fine. But I think I really want to lead with my heart and really make people feel a certain way that will maybe inspire them to like search for something's missing in their life or a little hole in their heart. And like that would be something I found really beautiful, you know? And another thing I thought of, like, I saw a girl who looked sick. She's going through cancer on the Internet the other day. And I'm like, there's nothing not beautiful about her. Like, no one feels like that about her.

39:14So I think it's like just being in it really changed it. Like, no one was looking at me going, she looks so bad. I mean, they might have been scared. She looks very sick. I'm alarmed. But, like, no one was saying, oh, she's so ugly. You know what I mean? Like, it's different. I think we're just, again, it goes back to being like our own worst critics and so hard on ourselves. Yeah. Thank you. Well said. I wanted to ask you two questions. What's the most helpful thing someone can say to someone who's got cancer? And what's the most unhelpful thing people can say to someone who's got cancer? That's a good question.

39:52Because I think a lot of people just don't know what to say. Yeah. I feel like you just don't ever want to be dismissive of what they're going through. But I think something that's been really nice and really sweet is like people who continue to check in on me. And even like when I didn't have the time to write people back, I swear when people would reach out to me, it would be like in the exact second I needed it. Like it was like, wow, you know, and it would be like someone I knew from years ago and they would be like, oh, I'm just reaching out. And like, I felt bad because they didn't write back to everyone.

40:21But Like, you don't know how much you can, what an impact you can have on someone's day. Like, I have made a conscious effort now. Like, when I think of people now, I make sure I text them that day. I don't care if they write me back or not, too. Like, that's one thing I really learned. Like, just keep reaching out. Just keep going. Like, I just reach out to people whenever they pop into my head now. And I'm praying for you. Love you. Like, you don't know what someone else is going through. And, like, I do feel like we're all connected. And, like, it's beautiful. And you can really, I just think, just keep loving on them.

40:51you know just keep loving on them and even there's points points where people are mad and they're like upset and they might not want to reply but they're never going to be mad that you reached out so i think it's like do it but don't expect anything back from it i felt so carried in love and prayer the whole time and i felt a little spoiled sometimes i'm like this is so nice you know and i want to be able to hopefully do give some of that back to people some somehow some way If you think of anything, Jay, let me know. I think this is giving back. Oh, okay. I think this is giving back. You showing up online every day, you sharing your story, that is the best give back for everyone who checked in with you because you're hopefully helping someone they know or someone they love from not going through the same thing or catching it early and not having to experience the hardships of it that you did.

41:40I've had a couple of friends in the last 12 to 24 months who've also been going through cancer. And I've found when I talk to them, one of the biggest things they say to me is people don't know what to say. People kind of distance themselves. People think I just need space, but actually it'd be really nice if they checked in. And it's what you just said that no one's ever going to be mad if you check in, even if they don't have the capacity or capability to respond back or call you back or message back. It's always going to mean something to that person. Yes. It meant so much to me. I always think of my mom growing up with a single mom and seeing her struggle, I'm like, you know, whoa, it's not lost on me that I went through this with like complete privilege of like having help, like having someone who cared about me to help me.

42:26Like not everyone has that. So I think it's like if there's anything you can do, like if someone has kids, anything you could do to help them do their laundry, any grocery store run or something for them, it's like really deeply meaningful. Like it's really hard. And I don't think people always feel comfortable showing how hard it is because it's a bit embarrassing you know and you want to try and you want to be or I wanted to be anyway like I'm okay but it's like no you're not yeah which is natural we do it anyway we do it even when we don't have cancer we all act like we don't need help and we got it all together and we're okay and so when you have something that you're worried about and concerned about you talked about you know Mike there I think what I find And so it's so beautiful watching you both together and what you did share from the journey of just how engaged and present Mike was throughout the whole journey.

43:17And I think I always find it fascinating because, of course, on our wedding days, we all make this commitment of in sickness and in health. And we've all heard hundreds of people say it, or maybe, you know, tens of people say it. We've seen it in movies. We've, you know, whatever it may be, you hear this statement again and again, and then people are actually, you know. So yeah, and then you actually go through that. Talk to us about the realities of what it took. I think Mike also went down to cut days at work to be there to support, but I'm sure it's not easy for you either because you're going through this very vulnerable thing with your partner.

43:55That's not easy on your side. Talk to me about the realities of what it feels like to go through cancer, even with someone you love and that loves you deeply. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it was hard for me at first, like I said, because I had grown up like always being really independent and wanting that for myself. And I think God was like, no, you're going to learn to trust a man and you're going to have to lean on him. And it is what it is. And I found that really hard. I mean, straight out the gate, you know, this is one year into marriage. I'm like, sickness and health, go, buddy. Let's see what you got, you know.

44:26And he really put himself second. and I came up with this whole like choose your husband like your life depends on it because I can't imagine what I would have done without him like you know he's a plastic surgeon and he has been training for this moment for 17 years so you get to this moment you open your business you pass your boards and now it's like oh please step away from your business and learn how to do a fashion company because she just bought it has debt and now owns the full company you know so That's a lot to put on someone. And I think chaos reveals character, right? And one thing I did before I met Mike was I made this like husband list.

45:08I used to talk about it on like TikTok or Instagram a long time ago, but it was, it's not like, oh, abs and a corner office and status and all this stuff. It's much more like character driven. Like, does he love his mom? How does he make people feel? What does he leave in the room? Does he have any friends? Does he care about people? because at the end of the day, life is going to get hard. And those are the things that are going to matter. On our first date, I remember Mike telling me, like, his parents have been married for 40 years. His grandparents are married for 70 years. I was like, oh, he's like hitting these things on this list I wrote over here.

45:42But it was the list. Tell us about what was on the list. Yeah, it was it was like, does he love his mom? What do people say about him? Do people like him? Like, I that was a big one on my list. I was like, I really want everyone to love him and just think he's great. If someone wouldn't like Mike, like, that's kind of odd. Like, he's a really good human. Like, he's just like a great person. Like, I want to be like Mike. Like, he has something he was passionate about. Is there something he loves? Do we align on our values and our faith? And like, not letting anything go off the list. Like, not seeing potential in people.

46:17Oh, can I change this in this person? Like, I'm so attracted to them. My date with Mike, when I walked in, that was the first time, I think, I walked into a room thinking like, do I like this guy? And it wasn't like, does he like me? I was really good in the sense of, I know who I am in Christ. I know God loves me. I know who I am and I know what I think I need. And if I just give this to God, I'm not believing that he's going to find this guy for me rather than me trying to make all of these exceptions to these rules and make it work with these other people that it's not working with. And like, looking back, I'm like, wow, God really sees your whole story beginning to end.

46:55Like he even knew I needed a doctor. When we first started dating Mike, it was always easy with him. Everything to the extent that I was like, oh, am I like not interested in this? Is this? Oh yeah. It was, it was so peaceful that it felt unfamiliar. Yeah. Like I was sort of like, maybe he should be my friend. Like I don't feel this because I wasn't like waiting for him to text me and all this he was just texting me he was just pursuing me actively and I didn't really know what to make of that there were no games so I almost got confused by that and so thank god I had that list because I'm like he's not breaking anything on the list but I was just like so what I did was I like took counsel I asked married people I'm like there's this guy he's this like really hot doctor which also like I didn't want to go out with him for six months.

47:45I did not want to go out with him because I was like, he looks like a model. And like, I want to be the pretty one. But like, I got over it. And like, he wore jeggings, I remember. I was just like looking for problems. But like, none of the photos on his Instagram were just of him, which I was like, that's a good thing. That's a good thing. Because like, even though that wasn't on the list, like, that says a lot about you care about people, you're with your mom, your brother, you have some friends. Those are great things. Those are telling things, you know? And so, yeah, but I did get a little bit worried at some points asking my married friends, being like, I don't know, guys.

48:19He's like always writing me back. And he like wants to hang out every day. Like it's a little weird. And they're like, and he has a job and he likes his mom and he's a good person. What's the problem? You know, it's like, well, what do you think that is? Like, why are we all doing that? We don't have a history of peaceful, clear contact. and therefore when someone finally does that, you kind of get spooked. Yeah. And you're like, what's going on here? Like, you're not meant to do this. You're meant to make me feel nervous and anxious and all the other emotions that aren't healthy and helpful or in that moment at least.

48:54Yeah. And so I think we're all looking for that kind of like racy feeling. Like the butterfly. Yeah. I felt like I liked him, but I didn't have this like sinking pit in my stomach at all times. I mean, there's a study that shows that what we feel when we say the butterflies is you're feeling excitement and stress at the same time. But when someone messages you back, you only feel excitement and clarity. So you don't get the stress, but it's the excitement and stress together that creates that nervousness. But when someone actually is just, as Mike was, messaging back and pursuing you and being really clear about it, we're like, oh, wait a minute, I don't feel the stress.

49:30And the stress is what makes things exciting. But you know we know that's not true because hey when you're actually marrying someone or you are in a long-term relationship with someone you don't want someone that causes you stress you don't want to come home to a stressful person you don't want to wake up to a stressful person you don't want to that's not what you're looking for you imagine the guy not calling me back when i was going through my chemotherapy you know i i made one video and i was like the guy who is not texting you back is not the guy with you in the middle the middle of the night in the emergency room like you know I had my big faux fur on and my and he's just sitting there like what can I do to help you know and it's like what are we doing what was I doing how did you two meet before that first date yeah the old-fashioned we met we met through friends and my one friend um she's an influencer and her husband's a plastic surgeon they were in the same residency at NYU and she kept telling me to go out with him and I would just be complaining about these guys I was dating and I would just be like oh should I text him back and it was all this plotting and all this And she's like, really think you should text Mike.

50:31And I'm like, he looks like a model. And she was like, but just like take that out of it. What is the problem? And I was like, I don't know. I don't know. I was like, he's not my type. And she's like, you're not married. You don't have a type. Like you have a lot of people that aren't your type that you've dated.

50:54And now the No Panic Party Save. Brought to you by Grand Appliance. Your party is safe. Wow, Amy, great party. And the food? Incredible. Thanks. And did I tell you my stove died two days ago? What? Did you panic? Nope. I called Grand Appliance and got a great deal with next day install on the Frigidaire gallery I wanted. Next day? Wow. GrandAppliance.com, right? That's it. My family's shopped there for decades. Shop Grand Appliance. Appliance experts since 1930. Support for the show comes from Public, the investing platform for those who are Take it seriously. On public, you can build a multi-asset portfolio of stocks, bonds, options, crypto, and now generated assets, which allow you to turn any idea into an investable index with AI.

51:39It all starts with your prompt from renewable energy companies with high free cashflow to semiconductor suppliers, growing revenue over 20 % year over year. You can literally type any prompt and put the AI to work. It screens thousands of stocks, builds a one of a kind index and lets you Back test it against the S &P 500. Then you can invest in a few clicks. Generated assets are like ETFs with infinite possibilities, completely customizable and based on your thesis, not someone else's. Go to public.com slash podcast and earn an uncapped 1 % bonus when you transfer your portfolio. That's public.com slash podcast.

52:11Paid for by Public Investing. Brokered services by Open to the Public Investing, Inc., member FINRA and SIPC. Advisory services by Public Advisors, LLC, SEC Registered Advisor. Generated assets is an interactive analysis tool. Output is for informational purposes only and is not an investment recommendation or advice. Complete disclosures available at public.com slash disclosures. Hey, everyone. It's Cal Penn. I'm the host of Earsay, the Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club. This week on the podcast, I am sitting down with Ray Porter, the narrator of Andy Weir's audiobook Project Hail Mary, massive sci-fi adventure about survival and science, and what happens when you wake up alone very far from Earth.

52:49I really had to make a decision because I caught myself getting that frog in my throat and starting to get teary as I'm narrating some of these sections. And it's like, OK, yo, yo, yo, is this indulgent? And I really thought about it. I was like, no, at this point, it would kind of be betraying the trust the author and the listener have in telling this story if I don't go through it. But there's places in this book that deeply emotionally affected me. And I left it on the mic. That's great. Because it served the story. People will say like, oh my God, I cried at the end. It's like, yeah, dude, me too.

53:22Listen to Earsay, the Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

53:39Talk to me about that idea of so many, there are so many women who feel, if I'm not married by 30, if I don't have kids by 35, you got married when you were 40. and life will continue from this point onward and it's like you never felt behind or didn't allow yourself to feel behind well i did i felt behind yeah i felt behind but like i was so consumed with work like that was a big thing for me because i think just growing up with a mom who struggled it was like the number one thing and until i felt like i got myself to a point where i was like financially independent or in a good place i wasn't as focused on it but then yeah like i was like, oh, no, I want to have babies.

54:18So it was OK that I had to be laying in bed for a year. I've been out for a lot of years. That was kind of when my platform was built by accident, I guess, before cancer happened. It was a lot of girls would come up to Mike and I in New York City mainly, and they would say, oh, my gosh, you guys give me so much hope. I'm 32 and I haven't met anyone. And I met Mike when I was 35. So I think, you know, I leaned into that a little bit and thought about it. And I think it was just like believing in God's plan for my life and not trying to do things my way. That being said, I do think I would have saved myself a lot of tears and a lot of years if I had written the husband list before and not got so caught up in like the games and the butterflies and like all of that.

55:04Because yeah, I don't know. That's like a thing. Yeah. What would you say to someone who says to you, I feel behind at 35 because I haven't got married yet. Have you written your husband list and what's on it and who are you dating and like what are you scared to let go of? Because I do think that there has to be a moment of kind of like, okay, God, I'm going to do this your way. I'm not going to keep doing this my way. What I like about your list is it's not a list the way I think people think about a list. So I think when people hear the words husband list, they think like six feet tall, you know, this job, this, right.

55:40Yeah. I think a lot of people write those things. And even if it's not a lot of people, I know a lot of people who've said those things to me where it's all about like, what kind of job they have. So like doctor would be high up there. Right. And, or, you know, finance or not finance. So people also, their list is like, Oh, I would never marry someone in finance. I'd never, and I'm like, I don't think that affects whether someone's a good partner or not. Like I always think about like your career doesn't really say much about how you are as a partner. Your bank balance doesn't say how much you are as a, what you're like as a partner.

56:12Your height doesn't say anything about what you're going to be like as a partner. And I think it's funny when you measure someone as a partner on these things that mean nothing to do with them being a partner. And so I think even though I never had a formal list, I think when I met Radhi too, I was looking for how someone lit up a room and how someone was with me in different circumstances and different scenarios? How was I treated around different people? How did I feel when I shared a new idea or I thought about something new? And then as we got married and moved forward, even then, like I would say we went through more challenges after we got married because we moved country, we moved jobs, we moved home.

56:57And when you go through all that together again, I mean, what you've been through is far harder and far greater than all of those things. But when you go through difficult things, you figure out what someone's really made of and what their response is. And I remember being four months away from being broke when we were married and this was around maybe six months into our marriage or maybe just coming up to a year into our marriage. And I told her the situation we were in and she was like, I trust you. And like that to me was the person I married and the character of the person I married, not someone who is, you know, not there for me at that time.

57:34And so I think for me, I knew Vradi was the one when I met her because she was always nice and kind to everyone that we met, whether they could help her or not. She lit up every room she walked into. She was always bubbly and fun and had good energy and ideas. I didn't feel like she played any games. We both didn't play any games with each other. I was really sure about who I was when I met her and that didn't scare her and didn't intimidate her or didn't make her feel any other way. And she was still learning and curious about who she was. And I love that about her. So I think to me, it was more about...

58:08You had a list though. I did. That's what I'm agreeing with you. I'm saying it wasn't written. Like written down. Exactly. But it was there. And I was very, I could sense it when I was around her. And I think you need to be clear about those things. But I think the problem now is people get clear about stuff, but not the right stuff. You get clear about a bunch of stuff that doesn't make any difference like you know someone's height or someone you're ick that they wear jewelry or yeah the fact that they don't dress well or whatever it is like that stuff doesn't impact whether someone's going to show up for you when you're broke when you're lost when you're confused when you have cancer you know like yeah that's not gonna be the you know differentiator so yeah and it's a cool one that you said too that like you were very sure of who yourself like who you were when you met her and that didn't intimidate her and that's like one thing i haven't really thought of and how attractive that must be to someone.

58:59But I didn't even really think of it like that. Like, yeah, that didn't intimidate him. He like pushed into that and leaned into that and was like, that's cool. You know, like that is cool. It is. It is. And, and, and it's, you know, like, I mean, you know, the, I think Mike's just set such an incredible example for, you know, all partners truly just by observing both of you together of just what it takes and what love really means you know i think we talk a lot about what love means and how do you show it and you know what that looks like and i think both of you together represent in the most beautiful way and it's i'm so happy that you've been a big part sharing that with us also i think has made every partner go i need to step up you know in a good way in a good way oh yeah i worry about that too because i'm like i don't want people to think we're like bragging but it's like we're not we're like literally well it's hard so there's no bragging because it's hard work you know he went to sephora once because when all my hair really started shedding like badly and i had lost so much weight i was like 84 pounds and like i because i was just having a lot of issues with eating but he was like i want to do your makeup for you i want to do something for you it was so funny because it was bad you know and like he had not a clue and thank god he's so much better at surgery than makeup.

1:00:17Yeah, I've seen him do your nails and like, yeah, he's like kind of good at nails. Yeah, not the makeup so much, but yeah, he was like a little confused. And even I saw you dressing up during treatment too, right? Like that was the way you were, I think, finding joy. I was pushing myself, like it was later in my treatment, like I started dressing up for chemo because I saw this old, older woman there once and she was just fierce. She had on heels and this outfit and I was like I love her and I was like is she here for treatment and they're like yes she always dresses up and they said and she rings the bell every time when she leaves I said goals I love her so then the next week I was like trying to dress up and be just like her because I was like wow like maybe I can inspire people maybe they'll see me dressed up and then they'll want to dress up it really I was like wow when I saw her how did you dig to find the strength at that time.

1:01:11Like, talk to me about that. Like you just said, like, you know, you're just trying to get up. You're just trying to get to treatment. You're just, you've got to deal with being on the bathroom floor and bleeding from, you know, it's like, how do you in those, how do you in that moment even find the strength? Like, I don't know. Like, I, I do, I think you're stronger than you think. Like, I, I am kind of glad like ignorance was bliss. I don't know how I would have gone that first day and let them put chemo in me if I had known what was going to happen. I really don't like I it was hard and then Later in my treatment when I was doing radiation I had to do 15 rounds of radiation and I was like, okay I really want to dress up every day Like i'm not gonna say i'm gonna do my hair i'm gonna wear a hat I'm, not gonna do my makeup, but like I really want to challenge myself to like build my self-confidence back a bit and I felt like The ways I thought of when I built my confidence up when I was younger I was like I bought a a very expensive the Equinox gym membership.

1:02:06And I was like, but I'm going to buy this. And then I'm going to say I'm going to go and I'm going to go and I'm going to keep that promise to myself. And as I keep doing that, I'll start to believe in myself. So it's like, I am getting dressed for this, no matter what, every day. And I did not want to. But every day, I just remember being like, but I only have to do it 14 more times. I only have to do it 13 more times. And then at the end, it was just like, I did it. I couldn't believe it. I did it. And I'm not saying these were the world's best outfits but like it was just like i think there's something to that like making a promise with yourself and keeping it big or small you start to believe in yourself and you start to trust yourself and you start to have confidence that you can do things you you say you can do and i i think that like helped me a lot like a lot more and it seems so small and like i mean literally putting on an outfit but it was huge for me i remember being like wow i did it i couldn't believe it.

1:02:59How did you not get defeated every time? Because like, you know, I think a lot of people, when you're going through something like this, you build yourself up, you prepare yourself, you get ready, and then you still got to do another round. You still got to do this. You're still like, how did you not let yourself get defeated? Yeah. I mean, I got defeated sometimes and I just, I would just try to go back to like spinning it to be like, I get a chance to live. I get a chance to go on and live and I can do it. I just, right when I got diagnosed, I didn't show this because I was like, I'm a little cuckoo, you know?

1:03:33But like I embroidered healed on everything you could ever imagine. My sweatshirts, my bags, everything. And every morning, thank you, Jesus, for my healing. Thank you, God, for healing me. I was not healed, you know? And I'm wearing a sweatshirt to Memorial Sloan Kettering, a cancer center in New York City. Healed. I was just writing it everywhere and I was just believing for it. And like, I guess I didn't see a point in not believing for it. Like, I just like I don't see a point in like not believing I'll be a mom. Like, I believe I just believe it now. And I got to go write mom on everything.

1:04:07But I just believe like, I don't know if it will be the way I imagined it to be. Like, that was a really hard time for me the day that they said, you won't carry a baby. And I'm still like, well, maybe I'll carry a baby. Like very, I don't know, but I believe I will be a mom in some way, shape or form, whether that's adopting or actually have a surrogate now. So I'm so happy to hear that. It's amazing news. Yeah, we're working on that. And that's like a quite a long process and like such a beautiful thing and that someone would want to do that and feels really called to like make someone else a mother.

1:04:47Like, I think that's so beautiful. And I just know Mike will be the best dad and he deserves it. You both do. You both do for sure. Thank you. Yeah. Talk to me about your talks with God during this time. They're really wrong. They're not this like a little Catholic Bridget who grew up like, you know, I'm like, what the heck is going on? Like, this is like, it's like, honestly, like texting with someone that I could say anything to, you know? And I. Do you actually text? No. No, it's like in my mind. In my mind, okay. I do it all day and then I try to make time like at night and I like download everything.

1:05:26But he already knows. Like in my mind, that's what I believe, that he already knows like everything. He knows all of our thoughts. He knows the number of hairs on our head. Like I just, I'm like TMI. I'm kind of just, I think he's sick of me. I'm like, he's probably healed a girl enough, you know? I don't want to hear from her anymore. I love your sense of humor. Talk to me about, we're talking at the top about grief. and as I'm talking to you, there's so much joy and gratitude and resilience that you demonstrate, which is just, you inspire me so much. Oh, wow. It's just whenever I'm around you, I just feel so moved, truly.

1:06:00Really? Yeah, by your faith. And you're like, you do a lot. You're not giving yourself any credit. No, no, no, no, no. Bridget, this is about you. It's about you. It's about you. And I mean it. Thank you. It really moves me. I wanted to ask you, how have you learned or how are you learning right now to hold both grief and gratitude at the same time? Yeah, I feel like that's a really hard question. And I feel like, like I said, I don't think I know how to do both at the same time. Like when I was really sick, I wasn't grieving yet because I was so scared. I was like scared I was going to die. And I've never had that before.

1:06:42I've never lived a day in my life before where I was like, am I going to live? Yeah, it's different, yeah. So you're not like balancing much. You're like getting through it, you know, day at a time, hour at a time sometimes, and you're just trying to put one foot in front of the other and like get through it. I think the grief is coming more now because I feel more safe now. And I feel like, yeah, I feel like now I'm, I feel like I'm going to live. I hope I'm gonna live in that you know I I have we won you yeah yeah and I and so now I'm kind of like whoa what just happened like it's survivor's guilt too it's really hard because like not everybody gets what I just got so it's hard to say I feel really like like I I'm struggling with that I do think I need to let myself lean into that a little more and definitely needs I I need to do some work and some work on myself about letting myself feel the feelings that just happened.

1:07:44But I'm not doing great at that yet. Right now I'm being very like, oh, I should just be happy that I'm alive, you know. So some work to do there. Do you have any advice for me? How do I do that? You tell me. I'm like, I don't know. No, I think your talks with God and the incredible sharing you do with your community, I'm in no place to guide or advise you. I feel so just touched by the way you talk to God about what you're going through. And I mean, there could be no better guide than that. And then also hearing about just how you chose to share it with the community. And I feel like you've already processed so many emotions more than you can even ever imagine.

1:08:24And you're going to know how to process these new ones as they come up, because you've already done so many of the harder ones. And so it's just trusting yourself and trusting God that you'll get the wisdom and the insight to know what to do next yeah which you've already lived by so i feel i definitely feel a little bit like like oh now what do i do because like you know i like had this whole life and then it kind of got turned upside down so i'm like okay it is what it is but now it's like what do i do do i go back to talking about clothes or you know and it's like I'm definitely grieving who I was.

1:09:00I don't think she's coming back. I think there will always be that. And then before and after cancer, I don't know that it's not a blessing though, because I get to live my life through a different lens. I hope that other people get to see that through me. I hope that they get to, what's the saying? Healthy people want a lot of things, but sick people, they only want one thing. And it's like, I hope that people just, it can be a small reminder to them to like, if you're like listening to this today and you're having a bad day, but you have your health, like the world is your oyster. You are so blessed and so lucky.

1:09:42And there's so many things, circumstances that we can change and work on. And to just, maybe if you could just shift that to gratitude a little bit for what, there's always something to be grateful for. You know, like I was really grateful that I got to do cold capping during my treatment and it sucks. Like, but I was so lucky and blessed to be able to do that. Not everyone gets to do that. And I kept some of my hair and I'm like, wow, God, you were just like spoiling me wrong. Like I am even keeping some of my hair. Like, I don't know. I hope I figure out what to do next and how to merge. And I don't feel the exact same pressure I felt before.

1:10:23It's like post every day and all of this because I'm kind of just like, I need a beat. Like I need to figure out. But I don't know. I don't know. What do I do? Send tips. Tell me. I don't know. Like I feel like most people who have been through this like that I've met are like really badass. So I'm like looking forward to that. I think they're like super like mega, like, like, I'm like, whoa, you're a really impressive person. And I'm like, so something happens, you know, I'm just like not at that part yet. I'm like still working on it. I think a lot of people think they have to find their purpose and you're already living it by doing what you're doing right now.

1:10:59So, you know, I think you're already living the next phase of your life without even knowing it. I mean, I think purpose is so cool in that way. What is the best advice you've ever heard or received? This too shall pass. Can I can I explain?

1:11:18So I think because obvious for obvious reasons, like, you know, going through the year, I just went through this too shall pass. But it's also like another reminder to be in the moment and realize like, but what's good is what good is happening right now because this is going to pass. and then also I think it's so so important for like when you're at your highest moment too like you're at the best moment everything's working out for you like this too shall pass so like be present in that moment but also stay humble in that moment because this too shall pass yeah well said I have a little box for you here what is inside this box okay different things that I think are valuable to people at different points in their life and i want you to just pick out anything that looks interesting to you and talk about when it was important oh and how it's changed oh my gosh this is really cute i don't know okay so nails i like literally can't wait to go and get my nails done you can't get your nails done when you're going through chemotherapy um i did once anyway rebel with a cause and i just got really it wasn't good so wow like i like this like kind of excites me it makes me excited i love that yeah is this like mike well i didn't we need the dark hair so this was actually that looks like the guy i dated before mike who wasn't very nice to me who wasn't would not have been good at taking good care of me this year so like we're Leaving him behind, yeah.

1:12:50See ya. Yeah. Bye. What else? Aww. This is, like, really hopeful to me. This is, like, this is happening somehow, some way. This is going to happen. So, prayer's up for this one. But I'm believing. Like, I just, I just believe, you know. I just, what's a, yeah, I don't know. Yeah, believe. This is really cute because it will be three years. This has three diamonds and it will be our three years this year. So we had our first year and then I got diagnosed at our second year. So our whole second year of marriage. So I feel like the third year is like pretty exciting and cool to go into. And like, what's the best thing that can happen, right?

1:13:37I love it. You did great. Cool. You did great. That was it. It was just the ones that stood out to you. Oh, look. it was the ones that stood out to you that's cool i like that well bridget i think you're going to go on to help a lot of people save a lot of people this has become part of your purpose and the way you're acting and sharing already and i i think you're going to continue to inspire people through anything you choose to do oh wow i truly believe that i really believe that through sharing this message through sharing your journey and story but even beyond that i think anything you choose to go and do moving forward will inspire people because of how you go about it how you carry yourself how wonderful and thoughtful you are with everyone how present you are i think there's so many incredible qualities you have that i can't wait for the world to experience and for people to share with so yeah thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for trusting me coming on the show to share your story when i met you i was blown away and I couldn't think of a better guest to have on the show and the fact that you came out when you're still you know got a treatment left and I know this isn't easy for you physically mentally emotionally but you're still here and you make it easy you're pretty good you're good at this yeah no you make it easy I feel like yeah you're just so raw and vulnerable and that's what makes it that's why people love you it's why people love learning and following the journey with you because you can tell it's all real.

1:15:02So, you know, it's incredible. Thank you. If you love this episode, you'll enjoy my conversation with Meghan Trainor on breaking generational trauma and how to be confident from the inside out. My therapist told me, stand in the mirror naked for five minutes, put a timer on and just look at yourself. Day one, I was literally shaking because I was like, like it was already tough for me to love my body. And now, The Laundry Hero, brought to you by Grand Appliance. Oh, really? Okay, I'm on it. Uh-oh, what's up? Eh, laundry's piled up and my washer just died. That's a bummer. Check out grandappliance.com.

1:15:39My brother got a great deal on a Maytag washer. Grand Appliance? My parents shopped there. Mine too. Whole family. I'm on the site. Wow,$5.97 with next day delivery? Problem solved. Shop Grand Appliance. Appliance experts since 1930. Organic Valley Protein Plus Ultra-Filtered Milk is pasture raised from cows that might take more steps than most people. That's a plus. And it has 50 % more protein and 50 % less sugar than regular milk. That's a big plus. And the fact that it didn't make a pun about moving? Also a plus. Organic Valley Protein Plus Ultra-Filtered Milk. Protein plus pasture raised.

1:16:23Learn more at organicvalley.com. Discover a spectacular island destination with crystal blue seas, endless sunshine, and the cool Bahamian breeze. Baja Mar, located in Nassau, Bahamas, offers your choice of three luxury hotels, over 45 fine dining and nightlife venues, John Batiste's all-new jazz club, the Caribbean's most luxurious casino, and one-of-a-kind experiences for the entire family, like our 15-acre tropical water park, wildlife sanctuary, world-class golf course, and so much more. Visit Bahamar.com today. This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human.