CAMILA MENDES: "Perfectionism Was Ruining My Life"

23:47Jay Shetty:So I wonder whether that was part of it too. When I was growing up, Brazilian culture was such a part of my life because both of my parents are Brazilian. And they were speaking Portuguese with each other and raising us in very Brazilian ways. So I know that that was part of my identity, but I think I had a resistance toward it when I was in high school. And I grew up in Miami, which is a very Latin place. Like everyone there is Latino. Everyone at my school was Latino. But like for me, I denied it more out of fear of like, you know, I wanted to be an actor. And I was afraid of that getting in the way of my success because there weren't a lot of models of success for people that looked like me or had my background.

24:34Like I wasn't this white girl next store with blonde hair and blue eyes. You know, I wanted to make myself as like ambiguous as possible and as palatable as possible, I guess. I felt like I was sort of resisting that part of myself. And there was a switch at one point in my career where I realized, oh, actually, like this is my superpower. This is what makes me unique. And then I started leaning into that and embracing it and felt more myself than I ever have. And now that's why, you know, meeting Rudy was such a beautiful experience because he's also Brazilian American. He's Brazilian Italian American.

25:20But his Brazilian side is, I think, way stronger because his mom's Brazilian and he grew up in a neighborhood that was very Brazilian. And so we both shared that sort of Brazilian American thing. And it's so, it's so rare. It's especially in Hollywood, like I never meet other Brazilian Americans. And so that was something we really connected and bonded about was having this like shared culture, the shared third culture, you know?

25:47Jay Shetty:It goes back to what we were talking about a second ago that it almost feels like you had to learn to accept all the different parts of yourself and like see all of them. And so it's like, I am a bit of this and I am a bit of this and, and this is also who I am. And now I can see the full picture rather than what I'm having to choose. I'm only this or I'm only that. But it feels like when the older you get, you kind of like go back to your roots more and more. I don't know if you've found this in life, but like, I feel like sometimes we kind of go full circle. I've seen it happen with my friends too.

26:18Like people who grew up really religious and then they completely reject God and reject religion and rebel against it. And then they like go through some things and they kind of come back to it later in life and then they're like religious again but in a different way yeah i've seen that happen a lot with people and um for me i feel like it's kind of been that way with my with my culture where it's like i grew up very brazilian and then i sort of no i wouldn't say i ever rejected it but i just didn't i didn't lead with that and then i sort of found it again and in a way that made me feel more myself than ever and then the values that I think that I carry that were more American values like more about individualism those started to fade away and then my like more communal familial cultural side started to take over and and now I think those values are stronger in me

27:15Jay Shetty:than they were before yeah I think there is that cyclical nature to life yeah and that's why what we learn in our childhood is so important. Yeah. Because you find your way back to it often. You do. And you like redefine it in a way. Yeah. Redefine's a good word. For me also, I didn't grow up with any religion in my house. My dad's side of the family is super atheist. My grandpa was like a radical atheist in the 60s in Brazil, you know? So like that whole side of the family, they're just very, you know, all about logical thinking. They're very science-based and just like religion just wasn't a thing and then my mom's side of the family is like very catholic and now they're um they practice a religion called spiritism i think that's the translation spiritismo is how you say in portuguese which has a lot to do with like reincarnation and it's just like a completely different two different sides of the religious scale you know even though my mom's side of the family was somewhat religious, that wasn't a part of my upbringing.

28:23Like, I didn't go to church. My mom didn't really practice it at home. She believed in God. But like, I think my dad's presence definitely was more dominant. And it allowed for a lot of great conversations at the dinner table. Like, there was a lot of thought behind it. It's not like he was indoctrinating us to like not believe in God. But I feel like I, you know, when I was a teenager, I was an atheist and I like was very proud to be an atheist and I didn't believe in any God. And I was like reading Richard Dawkins and like I was just very much an atheist. And I was well into my 20s and it wasn't until I sort of hit that rock bottom, you know, and I went to Hoffman that things started to change for me.

29:05And it was so funny because I rejected spirituality for so long. And then, you know, I've done years of therapy. I've been in therapy for almost a decade. And I kind of hit a plateau where I was like, I've talked about my problems and I've rationalized them and I can talk and talk and talk. But like, I don't feel like I'm healing. I feel like I'm stuck in the cycle of like being very aware of what my problems are, but not really being able to implement any change around them or like changing how I feel. Like all those like feelings are still there. I feel like I need something more. I need like a larger purpose.

29:45I need like I'm craving something more meaningful. And I didn't even know that it was spirituality at the time, by the way. I just like knew that I needed something more. And, yeah, I hit this plateau in therapy. And I went to Hoffman and I found for the first time a sense of spirituality that I never had in my life. And it was really hard. Hoffman is not about that necessarily. It's more about finding an inner sense of spirituality, like being connected to your higher self. And that was like a form of spirituality I could get behind because everything else felt so hard to get into this late in life.

30:25Like it just felt so inaccessible and like too grand, you know. But like believing in my spiritual self, like that's something I can get behind. That's easy to me. I can see that. I can visualize that. Like who is my highest self? And like that is like my version of God in a way is like my best self. And that's the person I should turn to for guidance. And that gave me a sense of spirituality that I never had in my life. And then it opened up the door to believing in something. I wouldn't, I'm definitely not an atheist anymore, but I don't necessarily know what it is I believe in, but I'm like so open to the possibilities.

31:04I don't really care if it's real or true. It's like, I just want to believe it. And I'm okay with that. Like, I'm okay with not knowing. I just want to like believe in something. People often think they have this misconception that atheists don't believe in anything or don't have any like moral high ground, I guess, or moral compass. And that's so not true. Like, I think there's a way to in the book, The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins, it opens with this quote that's like, isn't it possible to believe that the garden is beautiful without believing that there are fairies at the bottom of it, too?

31:40And I really resonated with that because I'm like, the world is beautiful. There are so many beautiful things about life and things that we can find purpose in without having to believe in a higher power. I always had somewhat of a spirituality to me, but, you know, I rebelled against this idea of religion. And then I sort of found my way back to it. And I wouldn't say it's religion, but it's spirituality. And it's just redefined now, you know. And much to my dad's family's chagrin, I'm like now a spiritual person.

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34:06Jay Shetty:I love it. Sometimes it's almost good to rebel. Like it's almost healthy. that you go to the other end because now you have the experience of what that means and what it feels like to study it, to learn it, so that when you come back to wherever you are now, you can actually come back with more conviction and more clarity. I think what a lot of us do with any value, whether it's spirituality, whether it's religion, whether it's science, whatever it may be, any belief or value, the more you argue it against others and the more you try and prove it to others is usually a sign of your immaturity and your understanding of the thing.

34:41whereas when you're kind of in flow with it yeah you are totally open to everyone having their own

34:46Jay Shetty:beliefs and values and insights because you recognize that yeah i get a bit of what they're saying and i get a bit of what i'm saying and neither is right or wrong or good or bad or the truth yeah it's healthy to challenge yeah those beliefs i think challenging your beliefs is such a scary idea for us yeah because we already feel like the world is moving so fast around us yeah that to kind of take a look underneath and see if the fairies are there or not yeah it's kind of scary yeah you know it's kind of like wow like i believe them what if they're not there and if i don't believe them and i look what if they're there yeah and so either way there's a shock there's just no certainty everything's got some faith at this point anything is possible and everything has some faith in it i feel yeah like you're having some faith in anything and everything Everything requires a level of faith.

35:32Absolutely. But people reject that word sometimes.

35:35Jay Shetty:How is this affected by the fact that when you were growing up, you moved like 16 times? Did that have any impact or effect on what you're saying now? I moved around so much and it was very destabilizing. I struggled with it a lot, but at the same time, it made me a very adaptable person and it made me like good at social relationships and being able to assimilate into new environments. So it's given me like a skill set that I'm very grateful for. But like, at the same time, I'm so adamant about not raising my kids that way. Like I envy people that grew up with marks on the walls of their heights throughout the years.

36:22Like, I think that is so beautiful, like to live in a home that that's Rudy's home. Like Rudy lived like the house his parents live in today is the house he grew up in since birth. And and it's like and you feel it when you walk in like it has so much history. And I love that feeling. And I don't know if I'm going to be able to give my kids that life because the nature of what I do. But I'm going to do my damn best. Like I want to provide as much stability as possible because I think it is so important in raising kids. But I feel like I've gone through some things recently that have basically shown me that like you just can't predict anything.

37:05Like you just don't know what's going to happen in life. And like as much as you can like say to yourself like I'm going to do this with my kids and I'm going to blah, blah, blah. And I'm not going to do that. I'm going to do things differently. like life will throw shit at you and then you're gonna have to deal with it and it might force you to make choices that you never thought you would make and like for example my parents got divorced and i've for so long been obsessed with this idea of like that never happening to me like i'm like i'm gonna make sure i do everything right and i'm the best partner and i choose the best partner so that will never happen and that's not a healthy way of approaching relationships i think like you need to sort of accept this and surrender to the possibility that anything can happen like you really don't know and in a way that's sort of like liberated me yeah where i like trust myself enough to say you know what that could happen i could get divorced one day and i'll be okay I will be okay because my mom was okay and my dad was okay and my kids will be fine because I'm fine.

38:17I'm okay. I turned out okay. And like, you know, I think I was so afraid of this idea that I might one day destabilize my family home or my family unit in a way that my parents did. and that caused a lot of pain in the family, of course. But like, that was just our pain. That's our story. And other families have different pain. And like, we all came out of that stronger in some way, learning something in some way. And the traumas that I have from that experience have shaped who I am and have given me certain skill sets that other people don't have. And that's like, you can kind of reframe everything as like a superpower if you want to.

39:01Jay Shetty:It's fascinating, right? You'll meet people who their parents got divorced and they wish they stayed together. Yeah. And then there's other people whose parents stayed together, but they wish they got divorced. And then there's people whose parents gave them all the love in the world and made life really easy. And the person goes, you've ruined my life because I didn't have any hardship. Right. And so I never got tough. And then you have the parents who only give their kids tough love. And the kid goes, oh, I built really good skills. And so you've just got all these versions and you can't, you don't know what the psychology of your child is going to be and what their temperament is going to be.

39:36Jay Shetty:And how you love them is going to create a reaction. You could love them and they could still turn around in 10 years and be like, you didn't show me the hard way or you didn't love me enough. That's what Hoffman showed me because you're there with 40 other people or 39 other people and everyone's there from all walks of life, all ages, different life experiences. Some people are like, I was loved too much. Like my parents loved me so much that like, I don't know how to be independent. I don't know how to do anything for myself. Like I was so smothered. I was so spoiled. I don't know how to do anything for myself.

40:12And then other people are like, my parents, like, you know, my dad wasn't in the picture and my mom didn't show me love. And no matter what your childhood experience was, like, you're gonna, you're gonna be f***ed up in some way. And, like, it's just the way it goes. Like, there is no way of doing it completely right or completely perfect. And, you know, in the theme of, like, perfectionism that I was talking about earlier, like, I've started to let go of that perfectionism of, like, needing everything to be perfect in my relationship or in my family life. Like, I can surrender to this idea that, like, no I'm just gonna do my best at every moment and um whatever happens happens how did that perfectionism show up on the set of Riverdale I like developed panic attacks through my experience

40:59Jay Shetty:on Riverdale because you hadn't had them before no I didn't have panic attacks before and I don't have them anymore really and not because of anything other than just the nature of being on a show for that long and not having time to do anything outside of work. It's like when you shoot a movie, it's like two months and you go off and you're there shooting the movie and then you're like, okay, that was that and I'm done and I can go back to my life for a little bit. But when you're shooting a TV show for seven years and one that's like old-fashioned network television where you shoot 10 months out of the year, like it's not a job, it's like a lifestyle.

41:41and then the hours are super long and it was a very ambitious show it required a lot out of us it like you know the schedule is really tight and you have to like shoot a lot of scenes in a day like there's no time for anything it's like you wake up you get to work you're like all right let's go boom boom boom boom you're just like running around like a madman there's no time for human error sometimes and that would drive me crazy because let's say you know i'm dealing with a stressful situation that has nothing to do with work, like a personal situation. And then I have someone knocking on my door being like, they're ready for you on set.

42:18And I'm like crying because of the situation that I'm dealing with. And now my makeup's ruined. And that's another 30 minutes in the makeup chair for them to fix me. And now everyone on set's waiting. And now I feel the pressure that I'm the reason why we're behind. Oh my God, it was like a pressure cooker environment constantly because there is no time to deal with any of those things. So I had to get prescribed lorazepam so that I could like literally numb myself and be able to show up and work because otherwise if I let myself get into this panic and I start crying and hyperventilating, I don't know.

42:56I don't remember exactly how much it would cost a day to shoot Riverdale, But like we're talking like thousands and thousands of dollars that it required if you had to reshoot a day or something, if you if you missed a day, if you call in sick, like you're costing production a lot of money. so there's this pressure that comes with that and I just like couldn't handle it at a certain point it was a lot so my perfectionism came up a lot with that where I like I just felt like I needed to be on all the time and and at my best and looking my best and you know I had an eating disorder when I was on Riverdale I had it since high school but um that's when I really started to like come face to face with it.

43:39I felt a lack of control because, you know, I'm wearing a costume for a character that dresses differently than I would want to dress in my daily life. And she's wearing tight dresses and mini skirts and heels and, you know, showing my stomach, my little midriff or whatever. And if I felt bloated or if I didn't feel good about myself that day, I had to wear something that made me feel worse and made me feel super insecure. And that perfectionism pattern showed up a lot through my relationship with my body. And I would just, you know, sometimes have panic attacks about that, feeling so disgusting and needing to be on camera and just not being able to accept the way that I looked.

44:27Jay Shetty:I can imagine how heavy that is because like you said, you can't just call it in. You can't say I'm not coming in today. You can't push it off. You can't fix it quickly. There's no solution apart from having to go through with it, even when you're in a state where you don't want to. I only have the panic attack if I'm not, if I feel for whatever reason that I'm not allowed to feel the emotion that I'm feeling freely. So like if I'm feeling like I want to cry and I know that I can't, that will cause my panic attack. Because you don't have the space to actually experience and feel it. Exactly. But like if I did have the space, if I was told you have an hour, I'd be like, great, I'm going to cry for a bit, let it out.

45:08I'll be good to go in an hour. But you don't have that.

45:11Jay Shetty:And that's really healthy, by the way. Yeah. And that's how I like to deal with things in my day to day life. I have no issue just like crying it out for a bit, like letting it out because sometimes that's all it is. Like you just need to release the energy. And I just didn't have the space to do that. So it's like creates this like pressure cooker in your body. And then like I had to take something in order to get through the day. Yeah. But I don't like I don't like to lean on that unless I absolutely have to because I would rather just feel it. I'm OK with feeling it. Yeah. You don't want to numb it out of choice.

45:42I don't want to numb it out, no. But it became like what I had to do to get through.

45:47Jay Shetty:How did you get to the other side of that? The show ended. Right, literally. Wow. But like not every day was like that. Yeah, of course. That was a specific kind of situation. But like I did love my experience on the show. Don't get me wrong. I look back on that time very fondly. It was just like being young and not having control over your schedule in your life. That was really hard. As I'm listening to you, I'm thinking, you know you've been the face of like body positivity as well and then you're dealing with this and on top of that I feel like we're living at a time where the scrutiny on women's bodies just continues online to be terrible yeah it almost doesn't get better and it's almost like you got to hold all these things at the same time which is like I want to be confident in my body at the same time I have to be at work even when I don't feel confident in my body and on top of that there's constant commentary on women's bodies in general.

46:41I never actually experienced criticism about my body from anybody but myself. Like I didn't see anything online that was like triggering to me. It was always just my own internal standards for myself. And also my body was changing. Like I look at pictures of myself then and I do look different. My body was different. This happens a lot as a woman in your early twenties, like your body changes. And I, and I I was like, I didn't know how to deal with it. It was very overwhelming. That's what led me to therapy in the first place was I started seeing a therapist specialize in eating disorders and she paired me with a nutritionist and they worked sort of as a team.

47:23I would see them separately, but they worked together and helped me sort of reestablish a healthy relationship to food by reintroducing certain things that I would avoid, like carbs. I was like really afraid of eating bread and my nutritionist like slowly reintroduced bread in my life and was like, OK, we're going to have you have like a piece of toast in the morning. And I was like, oh, my God, that's going to make me gain weight. You know, like I was so afraid of a piece of toast. And those two working together, one with the psychological aspect and the other with the nutritional aspect, was incredible.

48:05And I literally was cured in like a year. The nutritional aspect was so important because the reason I was binging and then purging is because I would avoid carbs so much that there'd be a certain part in the day where I'd walk by Crafty and I'd just stuff my face with so many carbs. And then I'd feel disgusting and then I'd purge. and the only reason I was doing that is because I was depriving myself. So she was like, if you give yourself that permission to eat the things that you want, you'll find that you don't want them that badly. And I started doing it and she was completely right. If I wanted something, I would just let myself eat it and trust that I'm not going to go overboard.

48:51I just trusted myself that I wouldn't go overboard and I could trust myself. Then it wasn't as tempting because it wasn't this forbidden thing.

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49:41Jay Shetty:And if putting it all together sounds like a headache, Wayfair can handle delivery, installation, and assembly. Join Wayfair Rewards today to get 5 % back on every purchase and start saving on your next home upgrade. Head to Wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-R.com. Wayfair. Every style, every home. There's this ancient piece of wisdom that says attachment and aversion are two sides of the same coin. And so we either attach to it, like that's all we want, or we're like, oh, no, I'm not going to attach it at all. And it's like those two things are the same thing. They're the same, yeah.

50:17Jay Shetty:Whereas what you're saying, which is this more balanced approach, going back to what we've been talking about since the beginning, is like that ability to say, well, I can have a little bit and that's okay. And that's not going to change my life. But if I avoid it, then that's what I'm like with, I have a massive sweet tooth. Yeah. And it's like, I have the worst sweet tooth of all time. And I can get through the whole day, like from morning till evening, I'm fine. And then at midnight. Oh no, that's when it hits. Like it will hit if I'm up and I'm traveling or whatever. and I can order like 1200 calories, 1500 calories of just like sugar.

50:50I can't have dinner without, like I need to finish dinner with a sweet treat always. Even if it's a little something. I think even the picture Rudy sent to me

50:58Jay Shetty:was you eating dessert. Yeah, the pistachio ice cream. It's so good. I have to, I have to. Like even when I was training for Masters of the Universe, I was like, when we were in the cutting phase, I was like, please just don't take my dark chocolate. Like cut my rice in half, don't take my dark chocolate at the end of the night. I need that. I need my little, my little treat. But it shows you can do it that way. Yeah. Like that's the point. It works for me. I don't know if it works for everyone. You know, I think maybe some people are, have more addictive personalities and need to be a little bit more like strict with things.

51:32I don't know. Like I've never had an addictive personality, to be honest, with anything. So I've, I've always been good at like, you know, being able to draw the line when it comes to things.

51:43Jay Shetty:I'm thinking about all the young women who probably look up to you, listen to you, want to be like you in some way. What would you say to them if they're currently struggling with an eating disorder, they're struggling with body image? see therapy for it. I know that's a very straightforward answer, but like that's personally how I was able to get through it is I couldn't do it alone. I needed help. I needed professional help because sometimes the people around you sort of send you right back into that loop. People will say things. People who don't know any better will say things to you that will actually encourage those negative ways of thinking.

52:22They'll comment on your body or say, When you do look thin, God, I remember when I was my most depressed, I lost a lot of weight because I wasn't eating. And I wasn't eating because I was trying to lose weight. I was just not eating because I had no appetite. I genuinely had no appetite. And the amount of people that were like, you look incredible. You look amazing. What are you doing, Pilates? And I'm like, no, I'm miserable. I'm not working out. I'm not eating well. I'm not eating at all. I'm not taking care of myself. And that was when I would get the most compliments. Those are like the kinds of comments that send you back into a negative way of thinking where you think, okay, this is when I look my best.

53:05So what did I look like before? What did you think of me before? And then when people stop saying that to you, you're like, oh, I'm fat. I think it's important to get professional help because they actually know how to talk to you in a way that gets through because sometimes people around you are just encouraging the same patterns of thinking.

53:23Jay Shetty:Gosh, and that is like a vicious cycle that just keeps going round and round and round because, yeah, you feel good, but you're doing something bad to yourself. Yes. And then you feel bad when whatever it may be. Yeah. And it just keeps going round and round. I wonder, you're so close with all your Riverdale classmates now, I believe, as well. Did you have space to have these conversations when you were on set or not really? Definitely. Oh, you did? Oh, wow. I think especially with Lily, because she was dealing with a similar thing and she's been very open about that, too. She's been on the show, too.

53:53Jay Shetty:Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's right. But I think she really started to experience her issues at a time where I had just kind of gotten out of it. We had different issues. I think hers was more, if I'm correct, body dysmorphia and maybe like a weird relationship to food or something. But mine was more bulimia. So it was just like we had different issues. But yeah, we talked about it a lot. And with Madeline, too. They've always been people that I can lean on for those things. That's amazing. I mean, that's pretty rare. Yeah. I feel like to actually have a crew that everyone, not that people aren't friends, but that you can actually be open about what's actually going on behind the scenes.

54:32But I've also found that like, I'm just really careful to talk about those things with other people because sometimes you don't want to open up the door for commentary that will trigger you and send you into that headspace. You know what I mean?

54:46Jay Shetty:Yes, yes, yes. I'm so fortunate to say that I've healed from it so much so that it's such a distant memory to me now. I love hearing that. And I can't believe that. Like, at the time, I never thought that it would ever go away, that the insecurity would ever go away, that the bulimia would ever go away. I genuinely didn't think that was possible. that a therapist could heal that for me. And it took a year. I don't know that that's the case for everybody, but that's what it took for me. And then now I'm like, so, so removed from it. And I have such a healthy relationship to food. And like, yeah, sometimes I get insecure about my body, but it's not this like all encompassing feeling.

55:21It's like, okay, like, all right, I got to like not eat so much chocolate or what, you know, it's like such a, it's so relaxed. You know, it's such a, I have such a healthier relationship to it where I just trust myself. Like I liked my body a week ago more than I like it now, but it's fine. Yeah. I'll get there. Yeah.

55:37Jay Shetty:It's like a life edit rather than like a complete breakdown of yourself. Yeah. It's like, oh, I need to edit that and add a bit of that minus a bit of that. It's like, okay, I miss my abs. We'll get them. We'll get them back. Yeah. We don't need to internalize all of this and make it about our self-worth and self-esteem. It does not define you. The way you're talking about it, it sounds like it did have an impact on self-worth, self-esteem. Oh no, I couldn't. I couldn't function. I remember my therapist during that time was like, what if I told you? Because she wanted to see if it was a fear of gaining weight or was it an insecurity with how I look currently?

56:14And she's like, what if I told you that this is what you're going to look like for the rest of your life? And I just started crying. No. I just started crying. I was like, no. So it was like, oh, OK, that helped me realize I cannot accept the way that I look right now. Like, I'm so deeply unhappy with what I look like right now. I was afraid of looking the way I currently looked for the rest of my life.

56:34Jay Shetty:How did this coincide with meeting Rudy? I met Rudy 2022. His team reached out to me. I had an offer for the project he was directing. It was his directorial debut called Música. And it was a rom-com that had a lot to do with Brazilian-American culture. And I'm kind of like one of the only people in this industry that could play that part. I was like I don't know like this guy from vine is directing a rom-com and once I was like I don't know like we'll see and I met with him and I was like oh wow he's brilliant I have to do it like it was like a complete 180 like I was I was like pretty sure I was gonna pass then I met I took the meeting anyway because I was like he's Brazilian I needed to meet another Brazilian in the industry and then I was like within 10 minutes like so in awe of just his his whole personality and vibe and like I could tell he was he was a brilliant mind and then we sort of like had a love story over zoom like we got to know each other over zoom because I came on as an EP and I was helping rewrite a lot of the script and like especially my scenes and we were taking inspiration out of my personal life and his is entirely out of his personal life because it's you know autobiographical and so we were just like creating these characters together and writing these scenes together and sharing intimate stories about our lives in order to service these characters and through that experience we like I mean I was falling in love with him and now I know that he was too but I like was like oh my god like I don't even know him yet I haven't even met him in person but But like, I feel this chemistry over Zoom and I was like kicking my feet underneath the table and like getting all giddy when I was talking to my friends about him.

58:27But I was like, I have no idea, you know, if this chemistry is just like one sided. Yeah. And and if it's just over Zoom or like what's it going to feel like when I see him in person? Like what if he smells different? You know, I don't know.

58:41Jay Shetty:You start making all the excuses. Yeah, exactly. And the moment we met, it's so beautiful. We have this like two minute long footage of the moment we met because we like shook hands at the screen test and then went right over in front of the camera and they just started recording and he and I just started chatting. And so we have this two minute long footage of us basically talking in person for the first time. And there's no audio. You can't hear it, but you can just see us like. like being all like cute and giddy and like this sort of like you could just feel this energy between us and this chemistry and i'm so happy we have that because it's like this like such a defining moment of us meeting and then yeah it kind of escalated really quickly i think like within a week of filming he and i were already seeing each other i felt like i had known him my whole life.

59:38And I don't know if some of that was because of the like shared culture thing. He felt so familiar to me. Like I just, it felt like past life stuff. And I didn't even believe in that at the time. It was just like, I just feel so at home with you. That's the word I would, it just felt like home. It felt right and easy. It felt really easy.

59:56Jay Shetty:How did you view love before you met Rudy and then after? I like, I'm hesitant to say this, but like, I really feel like I'm my best self when I'm in love and when I have a partner. I have no shame in saying that. I think humans need each other. And like finding a life partner has always been so important to me. Like someone who's like by your side through thick and thin. And I mean like partner, you know, like more so than anything else. Like who is my best friend in this life? And that was really what I was looking for. And I feel like I was always so ahead of my time in that way. Not actually ahead of my time, but just like I was looking for that from a very young age, like a life partner.

1:00:42I feel like I really didn't find that until Rudy. Like someone who I could really envision a whole life with. because like more than anything, he's my best friend. He's literally my best friend. And like, I just want to spend time with him always. Like I just enjoy being around him. And we've been through dark times. Like we've been through a lot of, and like it never changes and never waver. Like I never hesitate to be with him. I'm like, I want to be with this person. I choose this person. until life gives me a reason not to, I'm going to continue to choose this person. And I feel that he has the same view on love where it's like, we're in it for the long haul and you're my life partner and like, life's going to get crazy, but I want to experience it with you.

1:01:37I was in a relationship before that was so, we were just so incompatible. And I felt like I was trying so hard for it to be right, like way too hard. And it was this talk I had with my dad where he was just like, I know you have this thing because me and your mom got divorced. You need to get right what we got wrong. And he's like, and you're like fighting so hard to like make a relationship work because relationships are hard. And like, I'm not going to give up like my parents did. And he's like, yeah, relationships are hard, but they're not that hard. Like it shouldn't be that hard. It should feel somewhat easy.

1:02:23Like like being with them should feel sort of effortless and easy. And this relationship didn't feel easy. It felt like constant work where you're just like, oh, you're just incompatible. You're just two people that shouldn't be together. And I feel I feel the way about my mom and dad. I don't think they're compatible. And I don't think they should have stayed together. But for some reason at the time, I was like, I should really, I'm not going to, I'm not going to give up. I have to work really hard to make the relationship work. And yeah, I think meeting Rudy, it just felt so effortless and easy and right.

1:02:57It just felt like home.

1:03:00Jay Shetty:What part of yourself you think you had to heal to let that kind of love in? That was a hard experience, healing from my last relationship. the hard thing about our industry is like when your ex moves on you have to like see it in your face all the time and to be honest I don't even think that's that that's that unique to our industry I think now because of social media it's like everyone has to sort of deal with that but it's just magnified because like the whole world is seeing it happen too and I had to see a lot of photos and content of my ex with another woman. And it was like, there's something about it that feels like humiliating.

1:03:48Like you're just like embarrassed a little bit. And I don't know why, because there's nothing embarrassing about it. It's like, yeah, this is just what happens. But it's just so hard to metabolize that. and that part of it I feel like I needed to heal I had things I needed to heal from myself and flaws in my behavior that I needed to look at but I do believe that part of the healing process is meeting someone new I don't think we fully heal like for real heal until you start falling

1:04:21Jay Shetty:in love again yeah loving differently yes yeah experiencing love in a different container in a new way. And it brings up patterns. I think like when you start loving again, it shows you what the wounds are from before that can only be healed by loving again, you know, because then you're like, okay, now I'm having trust issues and now I'm having, it's like all those things come up and they wouldn't have if you were just on your own single. It's when you start loving again that you have to confront those, those wounds. And so part of the healing process from your last relationship is welcoming in a new person and learning how to trust again.

1:05:02Jay Shetty:Most people kind of try and package everything nicely where it's like, you got to break up, get over it. And then once you're over it, then you can, and it's like, well, you can't, there's going to be parts of that journey that are going to overlap a little bit. And not because you're trying to move on because of a new person. Yeah. It's not like you're trying to fill a void. What I'm hearing you say is that There are certain things that you can only learn in connection. Yeah. Because they don't come out when you're sitting by yourself. There are certain things you can only learn by yourself. And there are certain things you can only learn in connection.

1:05:37Yes.

1:05:37Jay Shetty:And you've got to do them in the right place in the right rooms. Because relationships teach us so much about ourselves. For sure. Like they hold up a mirror to you and you're like, oh, I have some issues I need to work on. I love the point you're making that that is exactly what relationships are for sure. Yeah. Gives you an opportunity to see yourself much more deeply, intimately, but then know that that person's going to hold your hand through that. I feel like we've both seen the ugliest sides of each other. And I still love them. I think that's real love. And I think every time you're challenged in your relationship, it just forces you because you have a choice.

1:06:16It's like when you reach certain obstacles in the relationship, you can end it or you can work through it. And the choice to work through it has always been the better choice. And I feel like it's only made us stronger and stronger and build more and more intimacy where I'm like, I like know you now. I know you and you know me and I'll continue to get to know you. And like that process never ends. But like those experiences, I think, are what make a couple really strong. You know, you say you've been married for 13 years. I'm sure there have been bumps in the road along in those 13 years, you know.

1:06:59And I feel like I love meeting couples who are so transparent and real about what it takes to like be in a long lasting relationship. It's like an art form. It requires work and maintenance and it's never done. The work is never done because you continue to grow as people and you always have to continue to like nurture the relationship and like redirect or, you know, like find new ways of communicating. because life changes and we go through different things. And I feel like my favorite couples are the ones that, you know, they've been married for decades and they're like, oh, we've been through it all.

1:07:38And like, you know, we almost broke up at one point and then we did the, and it's like, they're so open and transparent about how imperfect it can be. All of our friends joke how annoying we are because we're very publicly affectionate. Like he and I are always like in each other's faces and kissing each other. And to the point where I think it like pisses other people, especially like people that aren't like that, like someone's girlfriend will be like, why aren't you hugging me like that all the time? Because that was my parents' love language. My parents are very affectionate. His mom is very like they're just were very publicly affectionate people.

1:08:14And that's not something that Brazilians really shy away from. Yeah. And also culturally, I think it's more common and in Brazilian culture to like flaunt your relationship. Like it's not this thing that you're like, we're going to be very private and concealed about everything. Like it's like, this is my man. I love him. You know, like that's that's the attitude towards love and relationships. And he and I are very much like that. And that's a challenge in this industry because that is who I am as a person naturally. But I have to fight it a little bit because I can't just like pour everything out and share.

1:08:49I don't want to completely open up to the world and welcome them in to this relationship. relationship but at the same time i'm like such a transparent person and i want to be able to share everything because i think that that's how we connect as people and like i want to share my experiences but at the same time you want to like yeah protect the relationship and yeah i i feel like we we're constantly trying to find that balance of like you know i want to shout that i love you from the rooftops but also don't want to give off this idea that we're like a perfect Yes. Couple, you know, just because all you're seeing is the highlights.

1:09:28Like there are going to be challenges in relationships, no matter who you're with. They're just different challenges. And it's a matter of like deciding what challenges you're comfortable taking on. I've been able to look at Rudy and be like, I, I can handle the challenge of this relationship. I'm OK with this. I'd prefer this over that challenge. your public life should be good, but your private life should be better.

1:09:54Jay Shetty:And I always say to people, I feel like my public life looks great, but I always want my private life to be better. And that's something you get to keep. And so you don't have to dim your public life. You just have to make your private life better. And that gives it a great balance because if you're trying to dim your public life or dim your outer light, that starts to feel uncomfortable, as you were saying with your Brazilian attitude. It doesn't feel natural. It doesn't feel natural and organic. if you're sacrificing your private life for your public life, that doesn't feel great either. One of the biggest lessons I've learned in relationships is don't let it be one-sided for too long, where one person's doing everything for too long.

1:10:29Jay Shetty:If you're in a long-term relationship and one person's doing too much for too long, that's hard. And so the ones that get through the tough times and the hard times are where it's two-sided, where both people are turning up, showing up, making the effort. I felt that way at one point. To be honest, And so that kind of circles back to the Hoffman thing of it all, where I kind of hit my rock bottom. I went to Hoffman. I came back with a new lease on life, a lot of clarity, new sense of purpose. And like a lot of my habits changed. My outlook on the world changed. Like I wasn't wanting to go out as much or drink as much or, you know, I just had a different, different priorities, different boundaries.

1:11:10it just sort of like highlighted this difference at that point because Rudy hadn't done any therapy at that point and I had done you know almost a decade of therapy and I just in Hoffman and then it was like okay I've done all this work around my issues and it still feels like you're not quite ready to dive into yours and it wasn't until he started doing therapy after I was recommending it for a long time. He finally started. So many of our problems started to get resolved through that because it was like, you're finally meeting me halfway. And, you know, we had done couples therapy and stuff, but I feel like you kind of need to do individual therapy as well to really confront your own issues that have nothing to do with the relationship, but have to do with like your past.

1:12:00So when he started doing that, I noticed such a difference in our dynamics. and then when he was finally ready he then went and did Hoffman very recently actually he like just got back not that long ago and now it's like amazing because we speak the same language you never know not everyone's going to come out of that experience having the same experience I didn't know if it was going to have the same effect on him that it did on me but it did and and now it's like the way he's showing up is the way that's like I've always wanted and it's like just the like presence and communication and authenticity.

1:12:39And like, now we like, we're that lame couple that like meditates together and like shares their, you know, it's like we're able to speak this language that has now become our language. It's like our shared language. And we already have that with Portuguese, which kind of feels like our own little intimate thing. And then now we have this other like spiritual language that we share that really brings us together in a beautiful way. And like, I've been told that it's important for couples to have like something that you share as a couple that's yours that you do together and I'm like oh this is that thing for us now like we have that now I'm like so happy like so so happy that he had the experience that he did because it just it's just made us closer and like he was somebody who didn't believe in therapy two years ago you know and now he's like obsessed with his therapist and wants to meditate.

1:13:34And now he's like, let's go do the couples thing at Hoffman. And like, now we're going to go do that. It's like, and now like the maintenance and nurturing of this relationship is like something we both participate in. And yeah, I think that's really important.

1:13:49Jay Shetty:It's beautiful to hear. Congratulations. Thank you. I'm so happy for you. Honestly, genuinely, I'm so, I love seeing people in love and I'm so happy for you guys. And it was so awesome because I remember the night you guys got engaged. you guys came to Glenn's party afterwards. And so I was on the way out and I saw you guys coming in and I remember... Oh my God. It was just like this awesome... Talking about Glenn Powerful in Israel, his awesome dear friend. Basically, he disguised it as my best friend's birthday dinner. Genius. So they were working together. They were in cahoots. Her birthday was a Saturday and she was planning a dinner Friday night.

1:14:27So naturally, I was like, yeah, that makes sense. Her birthday's Saturday and she's going to go do something with her boyfriend on Saturday and Fridays for the friends. She's like, come get ready at my house. And like all the girls were getting ready at her house and like getting ready for this night out that we thought was at her birthday dinner. And she told me that it was like a super secret, like speakeasy that hasn't been open to the public yet. She didn't want me looking up anything. She's like, we're going to go to this dinner. And then afterwards let's all go to glenn powell's birthday party um and kind of make that part of my celebration and i was like great and the theme for his birthday party was track suits and tequila or something yeah i was like great i'll wear my track suit to dinner and she's like um she's like maybe don't wear a track suit to dinner and i was like oh no it's fine like mine's like really chic and cute like it's not really a track suit and she's like no but like i want the theme to be like sex in the city, like girls, like women in their 30s, like hot, but mature.

1:15:26And I was like, okay. So I took the sex in the city theme like really seriously. And I was like, I brought like all these options to her house. And I put on this like tight corset that was like pushing my boobs up. And I was like, looking a little like, and she was like, um, do you want to like wear a different top maybe? I was like, what the fuck? Why are you being so controlling for your birthday? little birthday zillow over here and then treating it like a wedding or something yeah and then i was like well what if i put this like jacket over it and she's like great yeah like she's like it's just like a members only club like really chic like just so you walk in and then when you sit down you can take it off i was like okay great so then i put this jacket and thank god because i would not have wanted all my engagement photos to be with the outfit i was wearing underneath I get there and it's like this super secret like knock knock knock on the on the door and I'm like oh my god like this is like a proper speakeasy but it was just to let everyone know that I had arrived I walk in and I just see this like long aisle of white and um he's standing at the very end but he was coming to the birthday dinner he was going to meet us there so it wasn't shocking to see him there and I just thought this is what the restaurant looked like I didn't know I was like, oh my God, it's beautiful in here.

1:16:41And there's like white flowers everywhere and candles. I'm like, oh my God, this restaurant is so gorgeous. And I see him standing there and it took me a second, but I kept walking. And then I realized my friends weren't walking with me. Like they stayed behind. I look back at them and they're like giggling. I look back at Rudy and he's sitting there smiling. And then I hear the song playing and it's the engagement party song from La La Land. And I just, I was like, oh my God, oh my god it's happening and then i'm getting chills right now just listening to it because we love la la land and we bonded about that when we first met and then we had this like beautiful little private moment he proposed did the whole thing and then like i didn't even have a time to process and then all of a sudden he was like i want to show you something and he like takes me through a curtain and then like it was like a huge surprise party and like my mom was there and all my closest friends and it was just this like beautiful moment and then we got to like go right into a big celebration that went for hours.

1:17:38And then from there, we went to Glenn Powell's party. And I changed into my tracksuit. And then as soon as we walked out of the car, Rudy and I hadn't even discussed it. It was all happening so fast. But he was like on cloud nine. And as soon as we walk out of the car, there's like paparazzi because there's paparazzi outside this house. And Rudy just goes, we got engaged. And he announces it to the whole world. And I was like, oh, God, I'm like, you shouldn't have done that. But I love you. And that's it's fine. And and then it ended up being great. Like, it was just like such a fun night. And we got to run into so many people and be like, we're engaged.

1:18:18Like, it was just like the high of that.

1:18:20Jay Shetty:I remember him shouting that out, actually. Yeah, because I was just about leaving. Rudy's like so not like the being famous thing. He doesn't think about those that he's just like authentically himself. he like doesn't even but I'm I'm always the like conscious one of like oh wait we shouldn't do that we shouldn't go it's a good balance yeah how is all of this learning love growth in your life how did you bring it to masters of the universe like did it was it in parallel some of it was it having gone to Hoffman and like having this spiritual journey when I came back from it very shortly after I got the audition and then got the role.

1:19:00And I don't know, I just feel like when you kind of align with yourself, like opportunities come your way. This felt like a blessing in that way. And it's a superhero movie, you know, like it's it's all about good versus evil and light versus dark in the most tangible way. And I've always struggled to connect with superhero films in the past because it's almost like too big. It's too grand of an idea, like good versus evil, is so binary to me. And I've always struggled to connect with that. But then after coming out of Hoffman, and then I booked this role where it really is about like, lightness versus darkness, and empowerment and self identity.

1:19:43And I was like, oh, I really I think I get it now. Like, I do understand this theme. That's why these stories are told. That's why these stories, like, say what you want about superhero films. But I think

1:19:54Jay Shetty:Like, thematically, there are themes in there that are very important. And for me, it was like finding the light. I had to fight my dark side and fight just the darkness in general. And that's what this movie is all about in a way, you know? And so, yeah, I feel like it came at the perfect time of my life where I sort of was already feeling like this, like, more heroic version of myself. How did your spirituality help you show up on set differently? I was like doing my meditations in my trailer every day. Oh, that's cool. And like grounding myself in a way that felt right. And, you know, I've come such a long way since Riverdale.

1:20:38And I know what things I need to do to take care of myself now. Like, because being on set is so overwhelming and stressful and there's always a lot of pressure and everything's moving so quickly. but like I just feel like I have the tools now to take care of myself like I just know what I need to do to feel good and I was like constantly in search of of what those tools were and I I found them like I like have real tangible tools like if Hoffman taught me anything they gave me real tools that I can use it's so it's so effective it's so practical it's very easy and now I feel like I just I have that at my fingertips and I can do it in my trailer and it takes two minutes and I'll feel like I'm set for the day and I have like I know what I need to do

1:21:29Jay Shetty:throughout the day to look out for myself your energy is infectious and just you know I can tell just how much work you've done what you've looked at like you've you've visited all the corners and of course there'll be more but you visited all the corners of your psyche up until this point and By the way, though, I'm like, I don't want to frame this like I'm, you know, some perfect human being is like so evolved and so spiritually connected. Like I in the last few months, I feel like I've completely disconnected. I have to find my way back again. You know, like I also have my ups and downs in that spiritual journey where I like will stop doing everything.

1:22:04And then I'm like, oh, I got to go back to that.

1:22:06Jay Shetty:Oh, tell me about it. You know, and then I find my way back to it. But I just, they even say this at Hoffman, it's like a pendulum. Like, you swing one way and with time, it'll just start settling a little bit more. Like, you won't swing so far in the other direction. Maybe you'll lose your cool a little bit, but not as much. And that just keeps going and going, you know? And so sometimes I do sort of like lose connection to it. but I trust that I'll find my way back and the pendulum will swing. That's a beautiful way of putting it. Yeah, I love that. Camilla, we end every episode of On Purpose with a final five.

1:22:42Jay Shetty:These questions have to be answered in one sentence maximum. And so Camilla Mendes, these are your final five. Question number one, what is the best advice you've ever heard or received? I feel like this is a silly piece of advice to share, but it's helped me a lot in relationships. You know, Mark Consuelos plays my dad on Riverdale. and him and Kelly have been together forever and they're like couple goals to me. And I was like, what's your secret? Like, what's like, what's like a piece of advice you have for me? And he was like, whenever I like go to say something, I ask myself three questions.

1:23:17Does it need to be said? Does it need to be said right now? Do I need to be the one to say it?

1:23:24Jay Shetty:Good questions. That like thought pattern is very helpful for me. Second question, What is the worst advice you've ever heard or received? I hate when people tell me not to tell the truth about something or like when they're like, you don't need to say that. Don't share that. Don't tell that person that thing. I'm such an honest person. Like I need to lead with honesty. That's like my number one thing. I always feel like telling the truth is the better option. And sometimes when I've, you know, made mistakes in life, I've had people tell me like, don't tell anybody that. And I'm so grateful that I didn't listen to that advice.

1:24:06Jay Shetty:Question number three, I want you to repeat after me and complete the sentence. This is about overthinking. I think, I think too much about. I think I think too much about what people think of me. If people will like me very recently, I feel like I've started to surrender to it specifically around this press store for masters of the universe, I think, because it's like maybe the biggest stage I've ever been on. It's a whole new audience that I've that I haven't had a relationship with yet. You know, like I've had a relationship with like the young adult audience, but this is a whole other demographic.

1:24:42And I sort of have had to kind of accept like I can't be palatable for everyone. Like it's just not possible. Not everyone is going to like me. And that's OK, because if I'm being myself then there's nothing really I can do about that like I can't really change how someone feels about me but if I'm being myself that's really all I can do absolutely and it's like take it or leave it because I think I've tried a lot in my life to like be liked by everyone and I think it only makes me a less interesting person because you're not really revealing yourself to anybody you know you're just like such a neutral person that like there's like it's like who are you yeah I'd rather just be known than um liked one of my favorite quotes is confidence doesn't mean everyone will like me it means I'll be okay even if they don't exactly

1:25:36Jay Shetty:and that feels much safer than trying to get everyone to like you I struggle sometimes to share things about my life because I'm like how's the person gonna feel about me saying that like what conclusions are they gonna make about me as a person but then I'm like everything I've said has been honest. Like, that's all I can do. Yeah. I can't do anything about my truth. Like, that's just the life that I've lived and what I've learned. And like, I can't do anything about that. Question four, how's wedding planning going? It's like very slow, very, very slow. The house has taken over. Honestly, because we weren't expecting, like the house thing just kind of came up and we were like, we jumped on it.

1:26:17And then that's been a very time consuming thing. there's still there's a lot of empty space that we need to fill so that's sort of been the priority right now but it's going we have a location yeah

1:26:32Jay Shetty:fifth and final question Camila we ask this to every guest who's ever been on the show if you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow what would it be? be honest I would make lying illegal I feel like that'd be really dangerous I feel like we Like society wouldn't function in full truth, but I don't know. I want to see what would happen. It's a good look. That's what Camila's world looks like. Yes. I love that. Honesty. Camila Mendes, congrats on your professional life, your personal life. Thank you for being so open. I feel like I learned so much about you today. I know.

1:27:07Jay Shetty:I could honestly talk to you for another two hours. But honestly, this has been such a joy and a gift. This has been so lovely. Thank you for being so vulnerable and so kind and generous. Thank you for trusting me. I appreciate it. You made it really easy. Yeah, well, I hope you'll come back. Oh my God, please. Yeah, come back regularly. Give us updates. Yes, when I've lived more life. Yes, yes, absolutely. Thank you so much. Thank you.