Constantly Overthinking or Doubting Yourself? (Do THIS 5-Minute Reset to Break Your Negative Spiral!)

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2:00Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings, and eligibility vary by state. We all talk to ourselves like our worst enemy. We talk to ourselves like someone we hate. We talk to ourselves like someone we don't believe in. You would never talk to your friend like that Now I'm not saying that you want to falsely cheer yourself up either I'm not saying you just want to look at yourself and be like No, I'm amazing and they were wrong But you want to have an honest assessment So saying no, you're the best isn't true And saying you're the worst also isn't true The number one health and wellness podcast Jay Shetty Jay Shetty The one, the only Jay Shetty Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose.

2:49I'm Jay Shetty, the author of New York Times bestselling books, Think Like a Monk and Eight Rules of Love. And I'm so glad you're here today because I think one of the biggest challenges that I'm hearing so many of you dealing with right now is not the voices outside. It's not the voice of your friends. It's not the voice of your families. It's the voice inside your head. If you've ever felt that you've got a critic sitting in your head 24-7, finding a way to overanalyze, criticize, complain about every move you make, every thought you have, every decision you're about to make, and you find that that critical voice is blocking you from living your best life, is blocking you from unleashing your potential, is blocking you from making that idea happen.

3:39Maybe you have an idea for a podcast, but the voice in your head always says, don't do it. Maybe you have an idea about how to impact the world positively and you have a voice in your head saying, you're not good enough. Maybe you have the desire to build your own business, to start your own company, and the voice in your head says, it's a stupid idea. Whatever it is, we all go through moments in life where we keep beating ourselves up. If you're someone who wants to silence that critic in your head, this episode is for you. If you're someone who wants to break through that negative spiral in your mind, this episode is for you.

4:16And if you're someone who wants to stop beating yourself up and start lifting yourself up, this episode is for you. Let's dive in. The first thing I want to talk about is that self-criticism feels like control, but it's actually sabotage, right? When we criticize ourself, we think we're in control. We think we know everything. We think we're correcting ourselves. What we don't realize is we're actually sabotaging ourselves. Imagine a top tennis player keeps berating themselves after every missed shot. Instead of focusing, they actually are just beating themselves up about the last point. That self-criticism that they thought would motivate them actually destroys their rhythm.

5:06There's an incredible speech that was given by Roger Federer at Dartmouth University. And he said that in his career, he has missed so many points. He has lost so many points. But he said the biggest skill he had is that he never focused on the last point he missed. He said, if I'm focused on the last point that I missed, or if I'm focused on the future point that I might miss, then guess what? I miss the present shot. I miss the present moment. So many of us are beating ourselves up for the past. So many of ourselves are beating ourselves up for not having the future we thought we're going to build.

5:46What does that do? It makes the present lose time, money, energy, everything. Ask yourself to stop seeing self-criticism as motivating and control Kristin Neff's research on self-compassion from 2005 Shows that students who forgave themselves for procrastinating Studied more effectively for the next exam While harsh self-critics repeated the same cycle Imagine that, forgiving yourself makes you more focused Forgiving yourself allows you to move forward. Resenting yourself holds you back. Criticizing yourself demotivates you. And think about it when you're talking to someone else or when someone's speaking to you.

6:37If someone criticizes your every move, I remember I've not played golf very often, but I took a lesson once. And I had a coach who criticized me every quarter of a swing. So even before I swung and hit the ball, he would criticize every single time. And every time I was about to hit the ball, he'd have another criticism. It demotivated me. Think about yourself. If every time you share an idea with a friend, they just pull it apart, even if they're well-intentioned, it demotivates you. How many of you have called yourself stupid after making a mistake at work? and instead of fixing it quickly, you spiral into self-doubt, which means you make more errors.

7:19And what's really interesting to me about this is that it's not just about performance. It's not just about focus. It's even in relationships. Maybe you're beating yourself up for staying in a relationship for too long. Maybe you're beating yourself up for allowing someone to walk all over you. Maybe you're beating yourself up for allowing someone to mistreat you. When you beat yourself up for someone already treating you badly, it only gets worse. Forgive yourself for confusing attention with love. Forgive yourself for ignoring red flags because you wanted it to work. Forgive yourself for chasing validation instead of connection.

8:05Forgive yourself for being loyal to people who weren't loyal to you. Forgive yourself so that you can move on. Because we don't forgive ourselves, we don't heal. Healing is not just about forgiving others, about letting go of what's outside of ourselves. It's about saying, you know that mistake I made? That's all I knew then. That's all the information I had then. And maybe I even knew better. But guess what? I'm now learning that lesson. I'm now applying it. That will free you from actually blocking yourself from growth. The second thing I want to talk about is you wouldn't talk to a friend like that.

8:47So why talk to yourself like that? Imagine your best friend failed a job interview. Would you say you're useless? You should have prepared better. You'll never get hired now. You would never say that to a friend ever. Yet that's how we all talk to ourselves. We all talk to ourselves like our worst enemy. We talk to ourselves like someone we hate. We talk to ourselves like someone we don't believe in. You would never talk to your friend like that. Now, I'm not saying that you want to falsely cheer yourself up either. I'm not saying you just want to look at yourself and be like, no, I'm amazing and they were wrong.

9:25But you want to have an honest assessment. So saying, no, you're the best isn't true. and saying you're the worst also isn't true. In the Bhagavad Gita, one of the books I studied as a monk, it talks about how attachment and aversion are two sides of the same coin. The feeling of I'm the best or I'm the worst are two sides of the same coin. It's just the ego playing games with you. When the ego makes you believe you're the best, well, you become complacent and infallible. When the ego makes you believe you're the worst, guess what? it doesn't help you grow. It's the honest introspection, the honest assessment that we all need.

10:08Hey, this is what I got right in the interview, but you know what? I didn't really nail these three things. You're now not assessing it as you, you're assessing it as something you took part in. There's research on self-talk that found athletes who used positive instructional self-talk improved performance, while negative self-talk led to choking under pressure. Think about that. So we all have self-talk. You can't stop the self-talk. But those that were constructive, those that were positive, those that were focused forward made a difference. Imagine before a date, you tell yourself, I'm boring.

10:47I'm not sure they're going to like me. So what happens? You walk in nervous and awkward. It's a prophecy you help fulfill. And what happens in that scenario? You end up being boring. You end up feeling more boring. Now, I'm not saying you walk in there and think you're the most interesting person on the planet, but you think, hey, you know what? I've got a couple of things that are interesting to talk about. I've got a couple of things in my life that are important to talk about. Encourage yourself when no one else is clapping Validate yourself when no one else is noticing Challenge yourself when no one else is pushing Forgive yourself when no one else understands Believe in yourself before anyone else does Push yourself without punishing yourself because if you don't do it, you'll always be waiting for someone else.

11:46Strong people did the difficult thing when no one was watching. Strong people did the challenging thing when no one was clapping. Strong people did the hardest thing when it was just in private. Do the hard thing Do the right thing When no one's there to notice And you'll be able to do it brilliantly When they're all watching on the sidelines The third thing I wanted to talk about Is how beating yourself up Doesn't build accountability But it does build shame Right, when you keep beating yourself up You think And by the way, we do this to other people as well Sometimes we'll be mean to someone or we'll criticize them, hoping that helps them improve, but it just keeps beating them down.

12:39You can't beat someone down and lift them up at the same time, which is what we're trying to do, right? We're trying to beat ourselves up so that we do more, are more productive and more effective. It doesn't work that way. Imagine a teenager caught cheating an exam. They feel so much shame and they think, I'm a terrible person. Instead of changing, they hide their mistakes and cheat again. Brene Brown's work distinguishes guilt, I did something bad, from shame. I am bad. Guilt drives corrective action. Shame fuels secrecy and withdrawal. Notice the difference. I did something bad. I am bad. Every time you say I am and follow it up with a negative word, you start believing that is your identity.

13:33Every time you say I did something bad, you're able to recognize it as a habit or a pattern that you can change. It's a lot harder to feel we can change ourselves than change something we did. Let me give you a real life example. Imagine you snap at your partner and then afterwards you feel shame. You think I'm a horrible partner. What happens? Instead of apologizing, you avoid them because you feel so bad about yourself. What does that do? It only makes things worse. When you just shame yourself as a bad person, you actually want to spend less time doing the good. It's almost like you get so comfortable in the dark that the light kind of exposes you.

14:17so you move away from the light. We don't want to move away from the light. When the light comes on, you see things for what they are. And shame blocks us from seeing the way things they are because it's too scary. It's too hard. I'll give you a really interesting example. I remember the first time I went to Vegas. At night, there was all this glitz and glam and all the rest of it. In the morning, I remember with the lights on, the casino floor, seeing people glued to the slot machine, and fleeing vomit or drinks and popcorn all over the floor and seeing people passed out. It just wasn't the same sight because the light shows us what's actually there.

14:59So we move away from the light when it shows us what's actually there. But if we cannot let shame take over, we can actually look at things for what they are. Don't shame yourself. It won't change you. Compassion will. Don't blame yourself. It won't change you. Accountability will. Don't criticize yourself. It won't change you. Action will. Don't beat yourself up. It won't change you. Challenges will. You don't grow because of guilt. It just slows you down.

15:48One thing I've been reflecting on lately is how even the smallest choices can create a big impact over time. Whether it's choosing to spend a quiet night in to recharge or making a decision that brings you closer to a long-term goal, those moments of intention really matter. And when it comes to the choices we make with our money, that same mindset applies. I've learned that saving for the things that truly matter, like your first home or a reliable car, starts with small, thoughtful decisions. That's why I appreciate what State Farm is doing with their personal price plan. It gives you the power to personalize your plan and create an affordable price that works for your life.

16:29You can bundle your home and auto insurance in a way that supports your journey and your goals. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with the personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state, coverage options as selected by the customer, availability amount of discounts and savings, and eligibility vary by state. Sometimes what we need most is a pause, a moment of clarity that helps us breathe a little deeper, listen a little closer, and feel a little lighter. On TikTok, those moments are actually happening every day.

17:09Creators share daily habits that people find helpful, personal insights that help them understand their own journeys and reflections that have brought them perspective when life feels overwhelming. You'll also find people opening up with honesty, about healing, about growth, about finding balance in their lives. And in that honesty, we're reminded we're not alone because one story of resilience can ripple into thousands of others. One reminder to be present can shift an entire day. And one spark of wisdom can keep us moving forward with more compassion for ourselves and each other. On TikTok, support can show up in the simplest ways.

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21:03The fourth point today is your brain is wired to focus on mistakes. How many times have you had this? You do something right and your brain will barely notice it. You do something wrong and your brain will think about it all day. Let's say you were great in a meeting today at work. You'll forget about it in the next meeting. You say something sloppy or made a mistake at a meeting in work, you're now thinking about for the rest of the day, rest of the week, thinking that's all anyone can think about. Your brain is wired to focus on mistakes. Imagine this, a musician finishes their concert, hundreds of thousands of people are clapping, one person frowns, one person isn't happy, one person posts on social media that they want their money back.

21:47Guess what the mind obsesses over? It obsesses over the negative comments. You may even see this on your social media. You'll have 10 of your friends respond, one of them doesn't in the group chat and you're thinking about that one friend. Why didn't they respond? Don't they like me? You're forgetting about the 10 people over here who responded immediately. It's your birthday. Seven people show up to the party that you wanted to see. Three people don't show up. Where does your mind go? To the three people who didn't show up. One study showed that negative events weigh three to five times more heavily in our minds than positive ones.

22:22This is known as the negativity bias. So what do we do with that? Here's what I've learned. You remember the bad times more than the good times because when things go well, you celebrate for a night. But when things go bad, you cry for a month. We're used to going deeper into our harder emotions than we are into our happier emotions. We've got to learn to rewire our mind. How do we do this? When something good happens to you Share it When something good happens to you Or someone does something good to you Share it Talk about it You're training your mind to spot What will change it positively I could look around this room And I can think about all the mistakes In how the furniture is placed And what I need to change That's important But at the same time I can look around and see how beautiful it is That's also important it's valuable to know what needs to change in your life.

23:25It's valuable to know what's not going in the direction you want it to go in your life. But if that's all you have, then you'll just create more of it. There's something known as the frequency illusion. How many times have you said to yourself, oh, I really like that color, or I really like that shirt or pants or whatever it is. And now you see them everywhere. Everyone's wearing them. Everyone's wearing that color. Or you want to get a car and you want to get a black car. And now you see black cars everywhere. It's not like there's more black cars on the road or more people are wearing those skirts or shirts or whatever it may be.

23:56It's just that you have a heightened awareness of it. This is why gratitude works so well. Gratitude doesn't work because it's magic. It's that when you become grateful for something, you notice more things to be grateful for. Right now, your brain is wired to spot negative things. So you spot more negative things than you do positive, not because there are more negative things in the world, just because you're trained to notice it. One of my favorite quotes from Wayne Dyer is this, you don't see things as they are, you see things as you are. When you are focused on the negative, you see more negative.

24:35When you focus on the positive, you notice more positive. This isn't positive thinking. Positive thinking is pretending like the negative doesn't exist. Noticing good things is learning to tune yourself in to higher vibration and frequency. Point number five is that progress is not linear. Thomas Edison tested over 1 ,000 prototypes before the light bulb worked. If he saw setbacks as failure, he'd have quit after attempt number 10. There's an amazing study that talks about the stages of change model shows that relapse i.e. slipping back into smoking, for example, isn't failure. It's part of how lasting behavior change happens.

25:22Think about this for a second. You commit to running three times a week. One week, you only manage once. And what usually happens is you quit. You go, I messed up this week. Next week, I won't run at all. But what happens? You actually lose track. Whereas when you recognize that that's part of the process of change, when you set a new goal, when you set a new habit, you are going to have days that you fall back. When you break up with someone, you might feel healed in a month. And then in seven months, you're going to be sitting there thinking about your ex. That's part of the healing journey.

25:55When you realize that healing is three steps forward, two steps back, four steps forward, three steps back, sometimes one step forward, four steps back. When you realize that's what healing looks like, you're actually free to heal. When you want it all to happen today, when you want healing to all happen tomorrow, it will last forever. So when we fall off track, we beat ourselves up. Oh, I did three times last week, but this time I only went to the gym once. I was eating really, really healthy, but last night I just crashed. Guess what? The week doesn't matter, right? How many times have you done that?

26:34And it all happens because you beat yourself up. You don't fall back into bad habits because you're lazy. You fall back into bad habits because you beat yourself up when you have a bad day. Don't turn a bad day into a bad week. Don't turn a bad week into a bad month. And don't turn a bad month into a bad year. Let it be a bad day. That's okay. But tomorrow, bro, pick yourself up and make it a great one. It's when you don't beat yourself up that you keep the power of turning a bad day into a good month, a bad day into a good week. I hope that resonates with you. Next time you set a goal, a habit, a change or whatever you want to do and you fall off, know that that's part of it.

27:24Give yourself grace and you'll be able to get back on track much quicker. The sixth thing I wanted to share with you today is that rest is part of progress, not the opposite of it. So many of us think that rest means we're not moving forward. My monk teacher used to say, if you want to move three steps forward, you have to go three steps deep. So if you're struggling to move forward, ask yourself if you've gone inward already. Elite athletes schedule recovery days as strictly as training days. Serena Williams even naps before matches because rest is strategy, not laziness. For most of us, though, rest isn't something we plan.