Do You Compare Yourself or Your Relationship to Others? 5 Surprising Ways to Stop Letting Comparison Steal Your Happiness

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1:58Trust me. Discover more at chase.com forward slash sapphire reserve. Cards issued by JPMorgan Chase Bank, NA. Member FDIC. Subject to credit approval. Terms apply. I find that we spend more time comparing ourselves to others when we don't have our own goals. If you're watching a comedy movie and your goal is to laugh, you're not going to compare the comedy movie to a horror movie because you knew what you wanted whereas if you didn't know what you wanted and you turned up at the theaters you'll be going well should we go see a comedy movie or do we go see a horror movie oh but i don't like that actor and i don't like that actress and you're making it based on no direction the number one health and wellness podcast jay shetty jay shetty the one the only jay shetty hey everyone welcome back to On Purpose, the place you come to listen, learn and grow, whether you're walking your dog, whether you're driving to work or back, or whether you're cooking right now.

2:58Thank you so much for tuning in to On Purpose. Thank you for your amazing reviews. Thank you for sharing the episodes. I love seeing what you're all posting on Instagram and TikTok. It's so fun to see how engaged you are with the content, the insights. We've had some amazing guests lately. I love how much love you showed the Charles Leclerc episode, the Anita episode. We have so many great experts coming up this month as well. And we're just getting stronger, bigger, better, thanks to each and every one of you. I promise you, I don't take you for granted. I'm so grateful for your love and trust every single week.

3:39Now, today I wanted to talk to you about this idea around comparison And I feel like a lot of us spend a lot of time comparing ourselves to other people's relationships Now whether you're single, this episode is for you Or whether you're in a relationship, this episode is for you If you're single, you may compare your love life to other people's dating love lives To other people who are in relationships and if you're in a relationship you might be comparing your relationship to other people's relationships think of white lotus season two if you didn't see it i'm sorry bad reference but if you did see it you remember this idea where you've got these couples comparing themselves to each other you've got these couples comparing their partners to other people's partners so what we find is that we often compare ourself as a person to other people we compare our partner to other people and we compare our relationship to other people's relationships so you may have heard something like oh well you know like i don't think they really get along like i don't think that they really have that much in common oh my gosh did you see those two people together they didn't look good for each other at all did they oh my gosh have you seen how much they argue at least we don't argue that much right there's all these ways we're constantly comparing us our partners and our relationships to other people now this may sound harmless and it may sound like not a big deal but the studies actually show the opposite a research study from over 10 years ago so i can't even imagine how much this is scaled up now, showed that individuals who compare themselves to others are more likely to experience guilt, regret, and envy.

5:38Comparing ourselves to others makes us feel more guilty, more regretful, and more envious. And the core reason for that is because when we compare ourselves to someone else, we're usually looking at what we don't have. we're usually looking at what we could be we're usually looking at how we're behind how we're late how we're wrong how we're not good enough we're not comparing with the idea of studying we're not comparing with the idea of learning we're not comparing with the idea of curiosity so comparing in and of itself doesn't need to be a negative thing we don't need to shame or guilt ourselves for comparing ourselves And I think society has done that sometimes where we feel that the act of comparison or the act of comparing ourselves to others is something that we should look down upon.

6:34But actually it can be useful, it can be helpful, it can be insightful in guiding you towards your greatest self. Now, I want to share a few more studies to really dive into this topic. one study revealed that 40 % of women feel more unhappy about their relationship due to viewing other couples on social media how many of you have ever saw someone getting proposed to someone's engagement party someone's bridal shower someone's wedding pictures and all of a sudden your blood is boiling you're thinking to yourself like i wish that was me why can that be me what's it about me right we make it all about our deficiencies our flaws our fallibilities our inadequacies and that's why comparison can be so unhealthy because what it does is it puts this spotlight on all of our weaknesses and everything we don't have as opposed to focusing on what we can learn and how we can grow and what we could improve.

7:39Now in psychology, there's something known as social comparison theory. And there are two types of social comparison. One's upward social comparison and the other's downward social comparison. So upward comparison is when we compare ourselves with people we believe to be better than us. So these comparisons are often looking at how we could make more money, how we could look better, how we could appear better, how we could improve our status. And this tends to make us feel worse about ourselves because we do it from a position of envy. Because we do it from a position of envy. Now, the other type is downward social comparison.

8:27This is when we compare ourselves to others who are worse off than us. So we say things like, oh, well, at least I'm more educated. At least I work harder. At least I'm doing better than that person is. Now, it's natural for us to do both of these, but the upward comparison when we're comparing ourselves to people who we think are better, better looking, make more money, smarter, when we do that through envy rather than study, it makes us feel really down. Now, one of the most interesting things about this is we often do it to our partners behind closed doors. So now you may not say in front of someone else, but how many times have you looked at your partner and said, oh yeah, you know, so-and-so, did you know they just got promoted?

9:09Now you're not comparing or criticizing, but you're passively making a point which almost really devalues the individual in front of you. Maybe you've said something like, oh, did you know so-and-so's partner, they just started their own company? Like how bold, How amazing is that? Now, even if you're saying that as a genuinely true positive and you don't mean it as a dig or a diss to your partner, I promise you inside, even if outside they say to you, no, it doesn't affect me at all. I promise you inside, it's affecting their confidence and their self-worth. When you're saying things where you're pointing out amazing abilities, talents, achievements in others, your partner often doesn't hear that from you.

9:59Your partner often doesn't get the accolades, doesn't get that respect. And you may say, oh, they know I love them. They know how special I think they are. They know how much I love them and how much I respect them. I promise you they don't. Most of the people I talk to when I'm coaching them, when I'm talking to people one-on-one behind the scenes, most people are yearning for validation, for approval, to be seen, to be heard, to be understood, for someone to notice how genuine they are, how kind they are, how loving they are. Most people need that. And one of the reasons why we live in a world which repeats negativity is because positivity isn't rewarded.

10:46If someone does something negative to us, we'll spend the next week amplifying it and broadcasting it. That person cut me off in traffic. That person was so rude to me at work. We'll talk about it for days and days and days. But if someone does something good to us, we rarely tell everyone in the world saying, oh my gosh, did you know this person went out of their way? Did you know this person? They stood up for me. Like we don't tell the same stories about positive events and emotions. We tell deeper, darker stories about negative emotions more frequently, more often, and more deeply and more vividly with more description, right?

11:26If someone swore at you or someone did something bad at the airport. Like you're telling every detail. Why am I sharing this? It's because often when we compare our partners to others, or even if we don't compare our partners, we talk about the qualities someone else that we know has. It can often make them feel less than. It can often make them feel worse. All we have to do is switch shoes. And by the way, it's really easy for all of us to say, oh, this doesn't affect me. It's not a big deal. But we know deep down it can and it does. So when you're looking at upward social comparison or downward social comparison, generally downward social comparison in saying, oh, yeah, we're doing better than them.

12:12We're doing better for ourselves. That generally doesn't have as many a negative impact, although I don't recommend it because again you're building your platform on someone else's misery you're building your confidence on someone else's lack of competence you're building your connection based on criticism which means if you're starting with a low bar and you're higher than it it may not be the most inspiring or fulfilling way to think about it. An upward comparison, telling someone that you know someone who's more ambitious, telling someone you know someone who's better at gardening, telling someone you know someone who's better at handiwork around the house, whatever it may be, actually takes away from your relationship.

13:05So what can we do? What do we do instead of compare our partners and ourselves to others. Well, something we can do is choose to connect, complement, and help people understand what qualities they do have. When we can see potential in our partners and remind them of that potential without comparing them to other people, that spurs them forward, that pushes them forward. If you have a partner who's going through a tough time because they're building a company, because they're trying to go after that promotion at work, because they're trying to figure it out, noticing that is going to energize them more.

13:49Now I know what some of you are thinking, some of you are thinking, Jay, but my partner's lazy. My partner doesn't work hard enough. I want my partner to do better. I want my partner to work out more. I want my partner to do all of these things more. The first question you have to ask yourself is, are you doing all of those things? I remember ever since I met Radhi, I've talked to you about this before, she was coaching me in health, well-being, diet, workouts. And what I found in the way she did it was that it was never out of judgment. I never felt guilty or shameful that I didn't do certain things.

14:23But I saw not only did she apply everything she said to me, she lived it she was actually practicing it she also was able to present it to me in a way that i could digest and understand it so the question is are you practicing what you preach and are you able to present it without judgment without guilt without shame those are the two tests for you to figure out whether you're encouraging your partner or whether you're disempowering them? Are you energizing them or are you de-energizing them? The other thing that I think a lot of people don't realize what we miss is that everyone has different values.

15:15So when we compare ourselves to another couple, it's because they may have a completely different value. Like let's say you're thinking about how you spend money and you'd be like, oh my gosh, can you believe they spent that much money on that? We would never do that. But maybe their value is traveling and your value is saving right now. They might be in a season of exploration and you're in a season of saving to put down a deposit on an apartment or a home or whatever it may be. Everyone can be in different seasons. This is one of the reasons that I partnered up with match.com forward slash j and why I'm working with match to help people connect based on their values.

15:56I think what often happens is we don't know our own values and we don't recognize them deeply. And so what we're really comparing when we compare ourselves or our relationship to anyone else is values. That's why figuring out what your value is and what your partner's value is, is such an important way of figuring out the value of your relationship, the priorities of your relationship. And if you're looking for someone right now, you can go check out match.com forward slash J and you'll be able to connect with people based on similar values. You don't need the same values, but an awareness of values to have a conversation, to have a connection is so important and so significant.

16:39some of the ways in which we can switch away from comparing ourselves to other people's relationships is this let us sit down and realize what are our values and let's actually break down and do some thinking about what that person's value is now sometimes you'll even be right maybe some people don't value respect in their relationship and you do value it and that's great to point out to yourselves, look, this is a good thing that we're doing, but here's the trick. Focus more on the good you're doing than the bad someone else is doing. Someone may highlight, someone's weaknesses may highlight your strengths, but use that as an opportunity to amplify your strengths, not talk more bad about them.

17:27Like let's say you go out on a double date and one of your friends, you feel like they don't have respectful communication. Now you can either sit there on your car journey home or when you get into bed and you're talking about, gosh, can you believe how disrespectful they were and how bad they were? Or you could talk about how respectful you think your partner has been to you or how valuable they've been to you and they can do the same back. And that kind of communication is actually strengthening your relationship. It's actually building deeper bonds with your partner as opposed to what happens when we just talk bad about other people.

18:06You don't want the success of your relationship to be based on the stress of others. You don't want the goodness of your relationship to be based on the poor performance of someone else. Again, where are we setting the bar? What do we truly want from life? Another thing that I find when we're comparing ourselves to others is we make it often feel like it's impossible for us to reach there, for us to get there, rather than looking at what would it take. Instead of asking the question, what would it take for us to get there? What would it take for us to build there? We talk about why theirs isn't working.

18:52Parking shouldn't slow you down. ParkWiz gives every driver a shortcut. Book ahead, save up to 50 % and skip the hassle of circling the block. Park smarter, park faster. ParkWiz. Download the ParkWiz app today and save every time you park. Residents at Brightview Senior Living Communities enjoy enhanced possibilities, independence, and choice. Brightview, Dulles Corner, and Great Falls offer vibrant senior independent living, assisted living, and memory care services through various daily programs, Programms, chef-prepared meals, safety and security, transportation, resort-style amenities, and high-quality care.

19:28Take financial possession of your apartment by December 31, 2025 and save. Discover more at brightviewseniorliving.com. Equal housing opportunity. Stop settling for weak sound. It's time to level up your game and bring the boom. Hit the town with the ultra-durable LG XBoom portable speaker and enjoy vibrant sound wherever you go. elevate your listening experience to new heights because let's be real your music deserves it the future of sound is now with lg x boom and for a limited time save 25 at lg.com with code fall 25 bring the boom x boom one tip that i want to give you is i find that we spend more time comparing ourselves to others when we don't have our own goals if you as a relationship have a goal you're going to compare yourself to your goal not to another relationship right if you're watching a comedy movie and your goal is to laugh you're not going to compare the comedy movie to a horror movie because you knew what you wanted whereas if you didn't know what you wanted and you turned up at the theaters you'll be going well should we go see a comedy movie or do we go see a horror movie oh, but I don't like that actor and I don't like that actress.

20:45And you're making it based on no direction. Whereas if you said, you know what? I just need to laugh today. You know what? I'm in the mood for a thriller today. Now, all of a sudden, you're not comparing as much to a random other movie with a random set of data. You're comparing it to what's important to you. You're comparing it to what's valuable to you. We talk a lot about internal and external in comparison. we always say oh you know everyone's posting their highlight reel they're not posting what's real and i think that's been a really important part of my work and career i'm lucky to get to know people truthfully deeply really and that's why i encourage you to be vulnerable with people and let them be vulnerable with you because if you're only ever seeing people's outsides then the outsides will be perfect it's when you know and get to know people deeper on the inside where you get to realize what's really happening, right?

21:43Often we look at someone, we think their life is perfect. We think everything's going great for them. And then you talk to them and they tell you that they have an illness with a family member. They tell you that they've been struggling for the past six months with a personal thing, right? We just have no idea. I've had so many guests on lately that they may have been on the front cover of magazines. They may have been the top of the charts, but actually they were going through so much personal trauma so get to know people deeply if you only ever see people at a big party you only ever see people at a big event you walk away thinking they have a perfect life and you don't why because you know your inside story and you only know their outside story you can't compare someone's outside story to your inside story.

22:34You can't compare someone's external journey to your internal journey. You can't compare what you see on someone's social media to what's happening inside your home. We often get those so mixed up and we get so misled by believing that we're behind, we're wrong we're the worst everyone else is doing better one of the ways i'm going to share with you is that i think it's really important to be aware of how you get triggered right if there are things that trigger you and it's not the thing that's triggering you the person it's your perception your interpretation of it and it's okay to say okay i'm going to get off social media because that triggers me you know what i'm not going to go to that party because when i'm around that group of people and the way they talk, that triggers me.

23:27You know, I don't want to go to that event because that triggers me. And again, you're not doing it going, often what we do is, oh, the people there are just so like materialistic. Oh, the people there are so right. It becomes about them. No, it's about us. Let's be really aware and conscious of what our triggers are. What are the things that make us feel uncomfortable? What are the things that put us in that place? and instead let us find the habits that allow us to deepen our self-worth, that allow us to develop our confidence. I find that for a lot of people, we're not building our competence and therefore our confidence doesn't grow.

24:08When was the last time you invested in your confidence? By investing in your competence. we get better when our skills get better we get better when our habits get better we get better when our mindset get better but if we're just trying to make sure our life looks better often we get so caught up in looking better that we miss out on doing better being better being more doing more taking action being proactive we often get so lost in trying to look a certain way that we miss out on the opportunity to be, grow, become a better way. Make an investment in yourself, make an investment in your relationship and it will automatically look better because it will actually be better.

25:03Thank you so much for listening to today. I'm so grateful you tuned in. I appreciate you being here with me and I can't wait for you to come back and listen to another episode of On Purpose. Remember, I'm forever in your corner and I'm always rooting for you. If you love this episode, you're going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your ex and find true love in your relationships. People should be compassionate to themselves, but extend that compassion to your future self. Because truly extending your compassion to your future self is doing something that gives him or her a shot at a happy and a peaceful life.

25:42Parking shouldn't slow you down. ParkWiz gives every driver a shortcut. Book ahead, save up to 50%, and skip the hassle of circling the block. Park smarter, park faster. ParkWiz. Download the ParkWiz app today and save every time you park. Residents at Brightview Senior Living Communities enjoy enhanced possibilities, independence, and choice. Brightview Dulles Corner and Great Falls offer vibrant senior independent living, assisted living, and memory care services through various daily programs, Chef prepared meals, safety and security, transportation, resort style amenities and high quality care.

26:18Take financial possession of your apartment by December 31st, 2025 and save. Discover more at brightviewseniorliving.com. Equal housing opportunity. Stop settling for weak sound. It's time to level up your game and bring the boom. Hit the town with the ultra durable LG XBoom portable speaker and enjoy vibrant sound wherever you go. elevate your listening experience to new heights because let's be real your music deserves it the future of sound is now with lg x boom and for a limited time save 25 at lg.com with code fall 25 bring the boom x boom this is an iheart podcast