Dr. Aliza Pressman: How to Avoid Your Parents Mistakes & Raise Confident and Resilient Kids

28:25But then if your child says, can you please come to a game? Yeah, you can't apply that. You have to say yes. But I think what would be great is that you know in your heart, yes, I'm going to go to some of those games, but I don't have to go to all those games in order for this child to thrive. And that's the gift of the lesson that you got from your father. Parking shouldn't slow you down. ParkWiz gives every driver a shortcut. Book ahead, Save up to 50 % and skip the hassle of circling the block. Park smarter. Park faster. ParkWiz. Download the ParkWiz app today and save every time you park. This week on a very special episode of Health Discovered, we're taking a closer look at a condition that affects hundreds of thousands of men each year.

29:08Prostate cancer. I first found out about my cancer on my birthday at the age of 45. I found out my cancer has spread to my pelvic bone. And from there, life just changed. About one in eight men will be diagnosed with prostate cancer during their lifetime. And the risk increases with age. Anything with cancer, you just think death sentence. And the only thing I could think about was, who's going to take care of my family? You have to go out there and build your support system. You got to build your team. In this episode, we'll explore the science behind detection along with the practical steps men can take to protect their health.

29:52Listen to Health Discovered on America's number one podcast network, iHeart. Open your free iHeart app, search Health Discovered and start listening. I'm Radhi Dvlukia and I'm the host of A Really Good Cry podcast and I have the opportunity to talk to Logan Ury. Logan is a dating expert, a behavioral scientist, a best-selling author, and someone who is seriously changing the way we think about love and dating. In our conversation, we talk all things dating, that Logan has studied and tested, from what to put in your dating profile, the pictures you should and shouldn't be using, to the conversation starters that actually work, and the huge no-nos that people probably do not realize are reducing their chances of success on apps.

30:33Whether you're single, dating, or just trying to be more intentional in love, Logan offers the kind of clarity we all need. relationships do require work and the best relationships are people who really work on them together they're so focused on if i find the perfect person then i'll have the perfect relationship instead of understanding really that they can choose someone great and then build that relationship together they don't need to keep searching for perfection listen to a really good cry on the iheart radio app apple podcast or wherever you get your podcast i love that i i I so appreciate the nuance of that and the sensitivity of that, because I think that's where we trip ourselves up where it's like, Oh, that's the lesson I learned.

31:14I don't need to go to any games. They'll learn independence because that's what I learned. Right. They are a different, they're an orchid or whatever else it may be. And that lack of sensitivity and that lack of connectivity with them and noticing their temperament and noticing their environment that they need is, is often what happens. And I also find that there's this kind of what you were saying, this idea of when we're noticing these things in them, when we notice inadequacies or lacks in a child in what we perceive to be an inadequacy, it's because we're having this feeling of we're inadequate because we haven't been able to have them not have that issue.

31:56Yeah. And I find that we're trying to solve it so that we can solve that inadequacy inside of ourselves. And then when it doesn't solve, and then we keep thinking, well, it must be me. It must be me. What's me? How do you process that thought? What's a healthy practice to have when that seems to be a recurring theme? You know, it's really interesting because as you were saying that, I was thinking about what really pisses me off. like what what when do I get when do I disappoint myself as a mother and it's when my kids are doing something that I feel is hard for them or they get hurt or something is like they should be better at this because of my parenting and I was the one who blew it and so my anger is not at all at them but it comes out, it can come out at them, which is the only thing that sort of motivates me to deal with it because we, we just feel like such failures.

32:57And a lot of the time it's just like, wait a second, can I also look at what, what's the benefit of having something different going on for this child. Like maybe it means that they're going to see things in a clearer way, or maybe it means that because this is bothering them, they're going to pay attention now. I don't know what this is, but like, because, you know, this is a silly example, but let's say itchy tags bother them and there are sensory issues and all sorts of things, but we're not getting into that. But because itchy tags bother them and they really like soft clothing and there's, you're like, I've raised this kid who can't function in the world.

33:41And now I'm mad at myself because I'm like, just deal with it. But if you could say, I wonder if this is good, what, what strength will this bring for them instead of looking at it as a weakness? Is it possibly just different than you? Because one of the things about temperament is also like, what kind of flower are you? because there's something that researchers have long looked at, which is it's called goodness of fit. And when a parent and a child has a good fit, their temperament matches well, they tend to do better. And so they're not going to change, but we have more capacity to sort of pay attention to that.

34:20And so another thing that we can think about is like, what is my temperament? How do I respond to the environment. And why is that bothering me? And, and also if you feel like, cause I would say an example that's, that happens a lot is if you have a kid who's more sensitive and you're just like kind of a dandelion, it's annoying. You know, you have to take a lot more care and a lot more time, but you could have one parent who's like, I'm so sensitive. They're so sensitive. I'm going to be so attuned that maybe it's too much. Maybe they won't learn, you know? So it's again, back to paying attention, then coming to the middle of it and saying, okay, one of us, let's say you have two parents and you can say one of us is able to notice those sensitive moments.

35:11We're able to sort of be attuned. So I'm going to pay less attention to that skill that I have so naturally. And I'm going to focus on not panicking when my kid is uncomfortable, but maybe the more dandelion like parent is going to say, I think I've got the not worrying so much about them and thinking they can handle it. So I'm going to focus on being more attuned to what's going on for them. And so we just like, it's this, you know, constant sort of, it's not hard though. It's, I think it's interesting. I think if you look at it as curious and interesting, it's not like, oh my God, how much is there to think about?

35:49But it's just like in their small moments, you know, we're just kind of paying attention. And when you have that capacity to give attention to things, it's, it, it's not that hard. It's what's hard is that we just want it to be right all the time and not hard. But the, like when you let go of it and you're just like, all right, my tendency is this, I'm going to, I'm going to go on the other side of it and challenge myself more often than not, 55 % of the time. I think you can really develop incredible relationships with your partner, with your kids, because you're basically saying, I'm not going to assume that you and I are the same person.

36:32I'm not telling the same story. I'm going to let you unfold as you are. and I'm going to give you a little bit of my, you know, like what I can offer. Are there different forms of communicating with children that work at different ages in their journey? Like, are there certain types of communication or forms of communication that are more effective between zero and five, five and 10, 10 and 15 or anything like that? Or how do you see that communication evolving over ages, I guess? I think the first five years, there's a lot more physical communication, even though, of course, we want to use our words because the more exposure to language you have, the more likely you are to have, you know, sophisticated language.

37:14But physical touch is so effective. And a lot of times we try to talk young children like out of feelings. And those are the times that I really want to encourage people to let their nervous system do the talking. So you just kind of put your hand on your heart, take a breath, remind yourself that whatever's going on for them, they're safe. They're just upset. And so you're lending them your nervous system, but you're not telling them. You're not like, you're safe. You're going to be okay. You're just upset that you didn't get a blue cup and you really wanted it. You're more like reminding yourself of that.

37:54Quietly, you don't need to use words. And then over time, you can use more words, but in general, we use too many words. I say, I say using so many words. Wow. That's interesting. And the reason for that is? Because our kids only have so much capacity to listen. And a lot of the things that they're learning from us are watching and borrowing our nervous system. So rather than saying, you know, whether or not something is worthy of freaking out about or telling them how to feel, they could just see that it's not scaring you. So instead of saying, don't be scared, they can be scared, but they're watching you not be scared.

38:39And like a flight attendant, I mean, this is, this shows you my issues, but like, I am not a great flyer, though I fly a lot. And I always choose the seat close enough to the flight attendant, because I just want to see how they're doing. And then if there's turbulence, I feel like they have enough experience in this world, in this gig of flying, that if it were worrisome, I would pick up on it. And it's the same thing. If our kids are looking at us, come on. Like, so we don't have to say so many words, but we do have to pay attention to what's going on inside of us. That's such a good example.

39:12That is so interesting. I'm like, I don't, I fly a lot. I'm not afraid of flying, but if there's bad turbulence, that's the first thing I do. The first thing you do, right? Is I try and look at how they're doing. And it doesn't matter whether they turn on the thing and say, hey, there's turbulence, put your belts on, I'm watching them. You're looking at their face. Yeah, you're looking at their face. And their body language. That's so real. Yeah, wow, that's such a great example. And you never think about that because you think it's the words that do the communication. And you're so right that often you don't believe the words or you don't feel the words.

39:46Exactly. And I want our kids to believe us. And so if we are going to use words, we have to believe them too. Like if you said, no, no, no, I'm not upset, but you're upset. It's a mixed message. And so over time, your kids aren't quite, they're not going to believe that they can read people properly because it's like, what's really going on? So I think part of it is fewer words. And then when you use words, tell the truth. I mean, within developmental reason. Yes. I asked a couple of people around what questions they'd be interested in asking. And I think the two big things that came up, which I'm sure you hear a lot of, were discipline and encouragement, like the two opposite things.

40:28It's like, it seems like two common parents activities are disciplining and trying to encourage or nurture. And so I want to talk about each of those. Let's start with disciplining. What is the right approach to discipline in a way, as you talk about, creates resilience? Yeah. As opposed to, I guess, if we had a mission statement for disciplining traditionally, it would be to get things right, to do things well, to know what is good and bad. I feel those would be traditional metrics of discipline. Yeah. What would you say are the new metrics and what does healthy disciplining look like to lead to resilience?

41:10Okay. I feel like discipline is so controversial, but I think of it as all feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not. So if I had to sum it up, and I think we do think of discipline as punishment versus teaching and it's teaching. and if we're teaching how to move through the world and if we're teaching kind of what's expected, what are boundaries and they're real, like they are for your emotional and physical safety and you're not just doing them to control, but you actually are like, no, this is a big deal because it actually influences your growth and development. It's not just for my entertainment.

41:52Then your kids trust you a little bit more and the relationship is stronger. But I think the key with discipline is not being afraid of how our kids react to it and having the strength of purpose and belief that if they do have a negative reaction to it, we can love them all the way through it, but we're not going to change our minds about it. because that's where it gets messy is that, and I, I, I think this is partly my whole field and industry. If we're talking all about how important the relationship is, and then you have this limit that you set, like, this is my expectation of you and your child doesn't like it.

42:32This simply like I, you know, I take the phone away at night or the iPad or whatever, and your child is freaking out about it. Then you go, well, now I've messed with the relationship. and so I guess I should, they're crying and I need to like get back in there. So, okay, I'll give you more time or whatever it is. And that's where we get confused. I think if parents really understood that feelings aren't dangerous, that kids aren't gonna say thank you for the boundaries and limits that we set and that we set them with the intention of physical and emotional safety about not just them, but other people.

43:09Like we're not just raising kids in a vacuum. They have to move through the world and think about community and other humans. And so what's comfortable for them might not be thoughtful to other people. And so it's that balance between be there for yourself, but also not to the extent that you can't, you know, that you're entitled and don't respect that there are other people in the world. Yeah, I remember, and I think my mom got that right from what I can, or at least followed that advice, because I remember in my time, it was a bit easier because we were just playing video games. like that was the closest thing we had to a mobile phone right and it's i remember i'd get home from school and i was allowed to watch tv for 30 minutes and play video games for 30 minutes and after that to do homework then we'd have dinner and then whatever that you know and i remember that that hour was like something i looked forward to every single day because i'd get to watch whether it was the simpsons or when i got older like fresh prince of bel-air or whatever it was and then and and those rules kind of changed over time where it's like okay now you get a bit more PlayStation time or whatever else it may have been as I got older.

44:14But I now look back and really value the fact that I had these limits and rules and discipline because it's created a healthy level of discipline that I value today in me. And yeah, of course, when I was a kid, I didn't enjoy it. Like I didn't want to do my homework and turn off the TV. Like who does want to do that but I feel like it was it's interesting how yeah my I don't think my parents negotiated the bargain right with that stuff it was just like no that's just how it is and as uncomfortable it probably was for them that that I hated them at that time they were with you know at the time yeah they were willing to live with that and I guess it was for your benefit correct and I guess that's the hard part right so we want you want your kid to love you and like you and and it's not fun not being liked by someone especially when you're trying to help them yes and you're trying to do good for them no it's true because it's like you I mean there's three kind of parenting styles outside of neglectful which is not you know that's a whole other thing but there's like the permissive which is best friend parenting and it is so sensitive they do like you and you can play as many video games as you want and all that's great except for you have no nobody's steering the ship.

45:30And so it actually can lead to anxiety and depression and a sense that you are too responsible for things. And the other side of it is authoritarian where it's fear-based and it's just rules. And it's just because I said so, but without the, like, I know you really love doing this and I wouldn't stop you from doing it if I didn't know that it was better for your brain or whatever. So that's the middle path of like authoritative where you're sensitive, but you stick with your limits and boundaries because you know that that's going to benefit your kids. And then you start to, cause it's about our comfort.

46:06Like how much can I handle of you being upset with the boundary that I set? It's not like anything else. It's really just looking at ourselves and saying, what is my capacity for handling the discomfort, knowing that I've made this choice because it's for my child's benefit. Cause they're definitely not going to be like, thank you so much. And so when people say like this strategy isn't working, I'm like, that's not the goal. The goal isn't for your kids to say, oh, thanks for explaining. Now I'm just going to listen. Right. That's so interesting, isn't it? It's like as humans and as adults, we believe that getting something right means knowing the right thing to say and getting the right response, which is a response we want or agree with.

46:56And the truth is half the time when you're doing the right thing, you rarely get a response in that moment that is aligned with what you want. Like I always say to, for me, I feel like, you know, up until 11, I was a pretty good kid and obedient. And then 11 to 21, I was totally the opposite. And my parents were wrong about everything or maybe 14 to 21. And then when you're kind of like 25, you're like, yeah, you know what? My parents were good. Like my parents were right about so many things and I'm so grateful to them and all the rest of it. Like that kind of overarching feeling comes out, which, yeah, as a 15 year old, you know, you didn't have.

47:32And it's almost like we want them to display this. Like if my parents wanted me to display gratitude at 15, it was never going to happen. Right. No, that's a great example, actually. Yeah, right. But we all we all believe that we're the exception that our kids will do that. Yeah. Yeah. We were also the ungrateful kid. Right. It's almost, I find it, because I'm not a parent, I find it better to reflect on what I was like as a kid. I know my parents had good intentions. I know they tried their best. I still chose to do things they would never agree with. And I still chose to behave in ways. And it wasn't because they did anything wrong.

48:04It was just because I was a kid. You were being a developing human. Your description of yourself, mapping with brain development, and it tracks, right? Like 11 to 14, maybe you were just beginning to experiment with pushing them away and push back and rebellion. And then, you know, that's like puberty happens, hormones change. Then there's, you know, 14 to till you were in your 20s. Your prefrontal cortex doesn't fully develop till 18 to 28. And boys, it's later. So it's usually not the 18. And so you are more, you know, they say all gas, no brakes. And so all of the things you're talking about are mapping with where your brain was at the time.

48:48And as an adolescent, you're about to leave the nest. And so you're supposed to start to learn how to reject. And so it's this like, push, pull. Ideally, there's still moments of connection. And, you know, maybe they didn't, you know, it's possible, I don't know. but it's possible that they felt rejected by your rebellion. And then you, you know, you're pushing away then worked. And so they didn't come toward you and say like, despite all of this, like we love you very much, or maybe they did. But those are times of tension and you're supposed to, by the time you're, you're ready to go out into the world, you have to feel like you, you know, you shouldn't can.

49:34And if it was just like cozy and delicious at all times at home, and there was none of that tension, you wouldn't be motivated to grow up and go on. So it all makes sense. That is so I've never heard it put that way. And I've never thought of it that way. That is such a fascinating point that in order to leave the pack, you have to have a sense of rejection autonomy and independence just in the idea of development yeah like there has to be that feeling of I can do it on my own and I will figure it out and yeah and yeah no my parents I think honestly were were able individually with me to be like my I always feel that my mom was able to be that person who I always feel even till this day is always there for me but never smothering or controlling in that way and so it's uh it's been a real like I know that if no matter what was to happen I could always that my mom would catch me yeah as in I know that but that's what's given me the confidence to not have to rely on it yeah because it's it's there and I know that deeply it's just there yeah it's just there and and with my dad he's he was a lot more aloof but like i said that worked good for me because it helped me chart my own path and and you know build that which is interesting i wanted to dive in a couple of things that stood out to me from the book that i've doggied here because i've got so many little parts that i loved uh that i wanted to talk about one of the things i was thinking about was you talk about here the idea of having a parent who's helping us through hard times and i was thinking i think one of the hardest thing about a young person going through a hard time is they don't have the vocabulary to talk about it even even adults but kids especially even adults yeah even adults like you know it's hard even to ask your partner when they're going through a tough time let alone a child that and and i think with our children we try harder often than we try with our partners but with your child you're like tell me what's going on like i want to know i'm here to help you and they're like i don't know like go away like i don't know what i'm going through right walk us through that path and that process because again we feel so rejected and so distant and it almost feels like we're failing but the real issue here is we can't get them to open up and therefore we can't help parking shouldn't slow you down park whiz gives every driver a shortcut book ahead save up to 50 and skip the hassle of circling the block park smarter park faster park whiz Download the ParkWiz app today and save every time you park.

52:05This week on a very special episode of Health Discovered, we're taking a closer look at a condition that affects hundreds of thousands of men each year, prostate cancer. I first found out about my cancer at the age of 45. Anything with cancer, you just think death sentence. In this episode, we'll explore the science behind detection, along with the practical steps men can take to protect their health. Listen to Health Discovered on America's number one podcast network, iHeart. Open your free iHeart app, search Health Discovered, and start listening. I'm Jonathan Goldstein, and on the new season of Heavyweight, I help a centenarian mend a broken heart.

52:48How can a 101-year-old woman fall in love again? And I help a man atone for an armed robbery he committed at 14 years old. And so I pointed the gun at him and said, this isn't a joke. And he got down. And I remember feeling kind of a surge of like, okay, this is power. Plus, my old friend Gregor and his brother try to solve my problems through hypnotism. We could give you a whole brand new thing where you're like super charming all the time. Being more able to look people in the eye. Not always hide behind a microphone. Listen to Heavyweight on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

53:35Yeah, I mean, it's so hard because if you push, and for a lot of, some kids are like disclosers. There are people, I was like, let me tell you, let me tell you everything, mom, to the point where she was probably like, I really don't need to know this much. but um but then there are the more closed in closed up kids and also it just depends on your vocabulary that you've grown up with which is I think that going back to like even when you have limits and rules you want your kids to know as you're describing your mom that they have you so if you do mess up yeah you can still go to them instead of being terrified and so that's this weird thing where it's like, here are my expectations.

54:23Also, I want to name the fact that you're going to blow it sometimes. And I want to be the person you come to. And that's something to say, not when they're struggling. And I think part of the reason why it's hard to get kids to open up is because we try to get in there when they're in the center of the struggle, instead of like building the vocabulary and connection outside of it. So you have the conversations and you give the language when nobody's in the heat of the moment. So that when the heat of the moment comes, they already know that they can come to you. And you can just say to them, I can tell something's going on.

55:01I'm here whenever or if ever. And then just leave space. A lot of times doing something with a kid who's not opening up, like going for a drive even, so that you're not looking at each other. and you know I can't think of any sport right now because I'm not super sporty but you know like playing I'm like what is it called when one does a game with someone? Pickleball. Thank you. So you go play pickleball. You're playing pickleball it's going to come up but you want to just like put little tiny moments where you say I'm askable I'm tellable and I'm not gonna say anything and one of the things that helps is that when your kids do tell you something, you say, thank you for telling me before you have any other reaction.

55:52And that may be your only reaction. And then you give them a little space and then you say, is there anything I can do? And it's not, you know, you can fix it. It's, is there anything I can do to be supportive of you right now? And the other thing is like, this is developmental too. But when you think about teenagers versus young kids, with younger kids, you want to be, this is going to sound ridiculous if you don't think about animals this way, but I do. So tell me if it resonates. But you kind of want to be a dog. You're wagging your tail when you're excited to see them. You're always there and you're like really enthusiastic and they need that.

56:31But then as they get older, imagine you're 11 to 25 year old self, you need to be a cat. So you're like, you're there, you're always around. You're not, you might, you're touching their feet. Like you're not overly on top of them. But if they're interested, they can come to you, but you're not going anywhere. So it's like, it's this safe thing where you're there for them, but it's, it's not so intense. And then they have the opportunity to open up a little bit. And when they do, you don't pounce like a dog, you stay a cat who's like welcoming the information, but not, you know, saying, oh my God.

57:15And then, you know, cause you don't want your kids to think you can't handle my truth. So I'm not, you're not the person to tell. Yeah. And I feel that's the hardest time to be the cat because you're scared about them getting involved in the worst stuff, like whether it's drugs or, you know, addiction to social media or getting involved in the wrong circles. Like that's the age at which it's going to happen. Yeah, it's terrifying. Yeah, it's terrifying. And they're getting a driver's license. They can drink now, you know, as they get older. It's almost like those are the times where you want to be more hands on.

57:49And you are fit. That's why I say you're physically present. Like, I think toddlers and teenagers need you more present than anybody. But we think teenagers are like off on their own and whatever, but you're home. Like if they're going to a party, you're home to greet them and look into their eyes. So you don't need to ask if they've been drinking because you will know when you hug them and look in their eyes. And you can have a conversation in a different kind of way than if you're sort of like, I'm out, you're out, you're older, you know, take an Uber, don't drive drunk, I'll see you tomorrow.

58:26So I think your presence is important. But the sense that you're like kind of all over them verbally, you have to pull back a little bit. And it's terrifying. But if you've cultivated the relationship and you've set the expectations from, you know, about substances and social media and whatever, it's easier. But when something's really bothering them, what they need is to know that they don't have to explain it and they can just come to you and be sad. Hmm. What's a good way to have that social media substance conversation? Because that sounds like the worst nightmare for any parent. I know it's like, how do you have that conversation?

59:08And again, it's like, you can't define whether you're going to get the right answer back or whatever. So what, what kind of communication around those two specific things have been effective for parents or that you've seen? Okay. So one of the things, the most protective thing is that you just have the conversations, the relationship. And so you're like, over time, it's never one conversation. And hopefully before they're teenagers, you're starting to talk about what these things are and what they do to your brain. And with substances, for example, we know that before certain ages, your brain is so, it's in such a growth mode that you don't want to mess with that growth by putting substances in it.

59:51So if they have any thoughts about future and hopes and goals, now's the time to talk about that. And explain that like at a certain point, you're gonna be able to drink. At a certain point, depending on what state you're in, you're gonna be able to smoke pot. But right now, your brain is at a vulnerable stage. And so it's a bigger decision now. And in this household, it's not on the table. And also, if you make a mistake, I'm the person you come to. because your safety matters more to me than anything in the world. So I'm never going, you're never going to regret that. So I think it's one of those things where it's both a limit, a boundary and a relationship and you're paying attention.

1:00:38And so that's one. The best friend parenting thing can be problematic because you're like, well, I'd rather them drink at home or I'd rather than get their drugs for me. And this is, we know from the literature, it's just not so. You don't want them to feel like, you know, we've sort of created a world where we want our kids to, it's so easy that they don't even have to push back. You're like handing them, did you see Mean Girls, the movie? I haven't seen the new one, but the original. The original. Oh yeah, I love the original. You know, Tina Fey walks, not Tina Fey, Amy Poehler walks in like with cocktails for all the girls and they're getting ready and they're just like, ew.

1:01:16Yeah. It's like you don't you you might crave connection and desperately want to give them the thing so that they're sticking with you. But you're still the parent. And there needs to be they need to know that it's hard to do those things. You know, like there are barriers so that you don't break the rules overtly. So let's say they do end up drinking. There's a difference between if your kid eventually ends up drinking because you've really made it clear they can't. So maybe they've pushed it off. So now instead of at 14, they're 17. And there's a difference between drinking, where they're just taking some sips of a White Claw, and binge drinking.

1:01:57And you talk about that with them. Like, if I can smell it on you or see it, that's a problem. But there's a message in there, which is like, if you're going to make a mistake, make the mistake moderately. and those are all the different ways to sort of help lay the groundwork for them to do as best they can to keep safe but like you're not giving them the you know the permission and the carte blanche to just kind of do whatever yeah it's it's such a challenging balance it's so hard it's so hard like I was thinking about it when I was a kid if anything was off the table that was the most attractive thing in the world yeah and I think that's very important to acknowledge is like it's still going to be attractive.

1:02:42So if you set no limits, the other side of it is there needs to be something for a teenager to push back on. So if you're like, I'm going to use an example that's less fraught, clothing. If you're like, you can wear whatever you want, I don't care. And you see that your child is going out to a party in like something very revealing and you don't say anything. Then they're like, I'm going to try. I'm going to, I'm not even getting pushback. This must not be revealing enough. I'm going to now wear something ridiculously, like so revealing that it's offensive even to me, but I'm going to do it because let's see what happens.

1:03:23And your parent says nothing. And at a certain point, it's like the parent is, you're supposed to put on a sweatshirt and hide it from your parents, take the sweatshirt off and like, know that this is not something that is like their dream, but that you can call them if you need them. And if we make things, so it's a balance because you need to be rejecting of your parents. So make the limit tight enough that there's, you know, something to reject and there's something to do that's not dangerous, but also know your kid's temperament. And there are some kids where you have to frame things differently because they're just like, oh, your no is my yes.

1:04:05And I think that that's something to just pay attention to because everybody's different and every kid is going to be different. Of course. Yeah, I know. But that's a really interesting point about needing to reject something and needing to have tension around something. And it's almost like you remove the tension completely. Yeah. What is there? What's there to do? What's there to do? Yeah, no, that's fascinating. I want to talk about the flip side. We're talking about discipline talking about encouraging and i feel like the biggest thing people want to do at least at the root i find is wanting to raise a confident child right we don't you don't want your children to feel insecure about the way they look the way they think the way they act and that seems to be the biggest challenge of the day with social media and everything else and so So there's a real sense today of insecurity, envy, comparison, feeling less than.

1:04:58How do you raise a confident human? Well, I think there are two parts of confidence that we can really cultivate. And then there's separately like behavior patterns that we can help along, like turning off social media, like taking it away if it's really just like harming you. So if you notice that you have a 15 year old and they're fixated on how certain things, I'm holding my hand up, they're fixated on what naturally they're going to be, but like some are more inclined than others. And it's really starting to get them down. Say to them, how's this making you feel? Because what I'm noticing is you're feeling worse and worse when you look at this.

1:05:40So let's figure out a limit and I'll help you because I'll just take the phone away even when you're feeling like, oh, I really want to look at this. But it comes from this real compassion. And then the two things for confidence that we can do. The first is remember that competence builds confidence, not praise. Like telling your kid they're amazing is not going to make them feel like they're amazing. It's the competence, like helping them develop the skills. And those skills don't have to be that you're like a star violinist or tennis player. It can be that you know how to cook or put the dishes away, you know, just, just a functioning individual.

1:06:24And so we tend to do everything for our kids, even if they're capable of doing it, but then praise them as if that's building the confidence. And so I think that's one thing. And the other thing is helping them understand how they feel and how they are reading the room. Because then you start to go like, okay, I can trust myself. And that is part of confidence as well. Oh, that competence and praise piece. That's huge. I love the way you said that because I've often thought about that with so many of my friends because I was quite as shy and I would say somewhat I was insecure about my weight growing up and to some degree the color of my skin too like experiencing racism growing up and things like that and so when I went to high school my secondary school as we call it in England my parents forced me to go to public speaking and drama school and that was somewhat of my worst nightmare in parts but it was really amazing because it built a competency that then became really interesting and useful as I grew into my teens and all of a sudden I felt like I had a skill that I could use and implement and it was really helpful in so many ways and of course has gone on to change my life but I look at that and I often tell some of my friends who are parents and I'll be like I promise you just work on a skill because that changed my life yeah and they can't imagine a world in which I was shy or that I was insecure because they're like, RJ, you must have, you know, I'm like, no, no, no, I promise you, like, it was developing skills that gave me confidence in myself.

1:08:01And you're right, they start really small of, you know, you have a skill, like, I know my wife has the skill of, she's really good at like, techie stuff around the house, which I'm horrific at. And she like can fix the TV and fix this and that. And like, she can do that, because her and her dad used to do that. And she has a competence around it. And that as a kid was something she knew she was good at. And I think it's so interesting how we often think that even bonding time with our children has to be social uh and and of course that's awesome and i and i wonder actually i want to ask you about that like how it because you're it's interesting what you said and and obviously my parents outsourced the skill development because my dad would hate teaching me math because that was not a good good good good my dad's really good at math and i'm not so good um so it was great to outsource it to another teacher.

1:08:52But how do you see that parent-child relationship based on social versus skill development? And what's good to outsource? What's good to in-house? Well, I think if you have to know yourself, like if you're going to get frustrated with your kid because they are not as easy to explain math to, you're probably not the best person to help them along with the math. But if you have something that you see, even a kernel of interest in your kid, like they're interested in seeing how you fix the TV. Spend the time helping them learn how to do that. Like it's a shared experience together. It's a shared skill building.

1:09:28Even if you're a terrible idea, learn how to do it. That teaches them growth mindset. Like I'm not really good at this, but it looks like, first of all, it's great if your kids actually have a skill. Like mine are obviously better at tech than I am because this is their native tongue. So my 17-year-old is for sure the chief technology officer. of the family and like anything tech that happens, I'm like, please fix this. But it's interesting for her. And if that's interesting for her, what I could do, I don't, but what I could do is say, teach me how to get better at this. Tell me what you know.

1:10:05And one other way to get really confident is to teach, like teach what you know. That's why it's great when, you know, older kids in school teach the younger kids. It's so awesome. So that is the other side of skill building is like allowing them to then, you know, show you what they've learned and really pay attention to it. And, you know, checking in with what they're interested in, the way attention works is you have to care. You have to be interested. So if you're trying to get your kid interested in something and skilled at violin and they just are not interested. It's not going to, it's the thing that you're looking for is for them to know whether it's bead making or tennis or violin, it doesn't matter.

1:10:53It's the act of working on something and getting better at it that builds the confidence. And it doesn't matter what it is. It doesn't matter. So we have to like let go of that investment. I mean, certainly there are going to be some things because that's just what we're going for. Like, I didn't know how to play tennis growing up. And I am so annoyed. Like, it just bothers me so much socially, it bothers me as a grown woman. I'm like, I can't hang, I can't do the fun things my friends are doing. So I'm I force my kids to play tennis, not competitively, but just like, you need to know how to do this.

1:11:23But and and so I think you get a pass for a couple of those things. And you just have to acknowledge your kids like, I don't care if you're interested it this is a me problem not a you problem but in general like let their interest lead yeah yeah no I could I can relate to that so well my parents forced me to learn piano and it was the most at that time I was like I hate this and now I'm so sad because I think the piano is one of the most beautiful instruments and I look back going oh they were right what did I do why did I throw it away and and you're gonna have those natural experiences they allowed me to quit because I was so hell-bent on no I don't want to do this and they they saw that and so they allowed that to happen and now I regret it and so but that's okay yeah because now you'll just remember yeah exactly exactly it's it's it's interesting how I feel like it's such a I've been reflecting on hopefully at one point being a parent in my life a lot and and all I keep coming back to is this a few things that keep coming to me are humility releasing control and the acceptance that I don't always know what's best or right and allowing for someone else to evolve and grow just as I've had to despite my parents best interests and that sounds like the most beautiful lesson and the biggest challenge at the same time because it's the thing you'd want to control the most yet can't oh I know It's the thing you want to control the most because it's the most important thing.

1:12:55And it's like, if we can accept that we can only control ourselves, our parenting flourishes. And that in one sense is the harder answer because we always think we can change things outside of ourselves quicker than we think we need to change. Yeah, that is the craziest thing about my job is that so much of it is, and psychologists in whatever area of psychology they're in, because there are so many different branches, and I'm not a clinical psychologist, but even clinical psychologists who are sitting, you know, a lot of times they're meant to be working with children. but what ends up happening is they're working with the adults.

1:13:43I'm only working with the adults, but I think it's because adults can work on themselves and control themselves. And we have this inclination to want to control our kids. Again, it's all with the most love and hope, but we can't. And so that's not, you know, like that's not the best use of our energy. Lisa, it's been such a joy talking to you today. Honestly, I feel like I've learned so much. I've reflected so much. And I want everyone who's listening and watching to know we have simply skimmed the surface of some of the insane and incredible topics and methods that are inside this book. If you've been listening and watching so far, make sure you go and order the Five Principles of Parenting by Dr.

1:14:31Elisa Pressman, host of the Raising Good Humans podcast as well. Elisa, we end every On Purpose episode with a final five, and these have to be answered in one word to one sentence maximum. So these are your final five. The first question is, what is the best parenting advice you've ever heard, received, or given? All feelings are welcome. All behaviors are not. What is the second question? What is the worst parenting advice you've ever received or heard? You just want your kids to be happy. Question number three, what's something you used to believe to be true around parenting, but recently you've changed your mind about?

1:15:14That I would be better. Wow, that's beautiful. That's beautiful. question number four if you could encourage every parent to build one skill that would help them become a better parent for good humans what would that one skill be one of the five that makes you the most uncomfortable of relationship reflection regulation rules and repair yes love that and fifth and final question if you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow what would it be? Hunt for the good. That's beautiful. I love that. Dr. Elisa Pressman, everyone, the five principles of parenting is the book. Go and grab your copy right now.

1:16:05We'll put the link in the comment section and please tag me and Elisa on Instagram, on TikTok, on Twitter. Let us know, sorry, X, let us know what is resonating with you, what you're trying, what's working for you. I think as you saw today, Elisa's really giving us a lot of stuff to play with, a lot of stuff to interact with. There's no right or wrong way. There's no good or bad way here. It's about figuring out how sensitive you can be, how close you can get to the human in front of you, how you can learn to balance and play that middle path. And so as you are trying all of this great insight out, please do share it with us.

1:16:43We'd love to see it. I'd love to thank you again, Elisa, for doing this, for being present here with me today. I really enjoyed sharing this energy with you and I really believe this is gonna help a lot of people. So thank you so much. Oh my gosh, thank you so much. This has been incredible. Thank you. If you loved this episode, you'll enjoy my interview with Dr. Daniel Amen on how to change your life by changing your brain. If we want a healthy mind, it actually starts with a healthy brain. You know, I've had the blessing or the curse to scan over 1 ,000 convicted felons and over 100 murderers, and their brains are very damaged.

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1:18:01If you're out there trying to date right now, being ghosted on Hinge or want to create a dating profile that gives you a solid chance of matching with someone you actually want to go on a date with, then this episode with Hinge's Director of Relationship Science, Logan Ury, is definitely for you. Relationships do require work. The best relationships are people who really work on them together. Listen to A Really Good Cry on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an iHeart Podcast.