Dr. Daniel Amen: 3 Steps to Stop Your Brain’s Guilt Cycle & How to Re-Parent Yourself to Build Mental Strength

30:26Lord knows I've made lots of mistakes. But every day I win or I learn, right? I'm working with an Olympic athlete that I just love so much, Alicia Newman. She's a Canadian record holder for pole vaulting. And she's such a mess. When I saw her, she did my show, Scam My Brain. And now she's so mentally strong because every tournament she wins or she learns. And as a parent, that's the mindset is, you know, we had a really great day. and when you don't have a great day, why didn't we have a great day? And you think about it in the book. There's all sorts of brain reasons why you didn't have a great day.

31:11You didn't sleep. You went too long without food. There's the time change, you know. That has more bad days just because, you know, as a society, we become jet-lagged all at once. So if you can just be curious, rather than being furious. It helps you so much. So if we have a really great day, it's like, okay, why'd that happen? And just be thoughtful. And the default is always firm and kind. And the softer your voice, the more they pay attention to it. If you're screaming, they tune you out. And they get mad. Parking shouldn't slow you down. Park Whiz gives every driver a shortcut. Book ahead, save up to 50 % and skip the hassle of circling the block.

32:05Park smarter, park faster. Park Whiz. Download the Park Whiz app today and save every time you park. I'm Radhi Devlukia and I'm the host of a Really Good Cry podcast and I have the opportunity to talk to Logan Ury. Logan is a dating expert, a behavioral scientist, a best-selling author and someone who is seriously changing the way we think about love and dating. In our conversation, we talk all things dating, that Logan has studied and tested from what to put in your dating profile, the pictures you should and shouldn't be using to the conversation starters that actually work. And the huge no-nos that people probably do not realize are reducing their chances of success on apps.

32:41Whether you're single, dating, or just trying to be more intentional in love, Logan offers the kind of clarity we all need. Relationships do require work and the best relationships are people who really work on them together. They're so focused on if I find the perfect person, then I'll have the perfect relationship instead of understanding really that they can choose someone great and then build that relationship together. They don't need to keep searching for perfection. Listen to A Really Good Cry on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I just think the process and the journey is so delicious.

33:16That's where all the good stuff is. You just can't live and die by the end result. It's scary putting yourself out there, especially when it's something you really care about and something that you hope is your passion in life and you want people to like it. Let's get delicious and put ourselves out there. I'm Simone Boyce, host of The Bright Side, and those were my recent guests, comedian Phoebe Robinson and writer Erin Foster. On this show, I'm talking to the brightest minds in entertainment, health, wellness, and pop culture. And every week, we're going places in our communities, our careers, and ourselves.

33:47It's not about being perfect. It's about going on a journey and discovering the bright side of becoming. Few people know that better than soccer legend Ashlyn Harris. It's the journey. It's the people. It's the failures. It's the heartache. It's the little moment. These are our moments to laugh, learn, and exhale. So join me every Monday, and let's find the Bright Side together. Listen to the Bright Side on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. It's so interesting. As I'm listening to you, I'm thinking, as you gave in the example of the Olympic athlete, we need this for ourself right now at this age, because our child self didn't probably get this kind of parenting or wasn't exposed to this.

34:32And so even that statement, you just said that I either win or I learn. I think that's a habit that any of us listening to this right now need to develop, because I think just as we're harsher on children, or harsher on someone else, it comes from a fact that we're harsher on ourselves. like there's this inner critic and this inner voice that breeds negativity and as you said the guilt cycle that continues it seems that that then becomes the externalized version is how we treat the kids and then again we feel guilty for doing that because we know it's wrong when you're trying to become mentally strong yourself but you feel like you don't have time your kids need dinner cooked.

35:10You need to do their homework with them. Like, I feel like there's a massive loss of time balance, the ability to cater to this. What do people do when they're like, Jay, I'm just surviving. Like I'm just putting food on the table. We're just about even surviving for myself to be able to switch on the TV in the evening after the kids are asleep. Like I get no time for myself. How do we balance that time? That's why special time is not two hours with the child. It's doable. You're playing the long game. And too often, parents love their children so much, it's, we're going to do soccer, and we're going to do dance, and we're going to do music, and we're going to...

35:50And it's like, stop that. You need time to spend with each other. And you're like, well, but I have to do my homework with the children. It's like, please don't. That's not what the schools want you to do. They want the children to do the homework. And if they don't do it, let the kids pay the consequences. But then what parents do is they get into this fortune-telling thing. It's like, well, then they won't get into the best preschool and they won't get into the best school and they won't go to Harvard and their life will be terrible. And like, I went to a junior college, a community college.

36:26I'm actually in the Hall of Fame at Orange Coast College. And I actually think many people, Mark Cuban actually said that. It's like most people should go to a community college because it's such a low cost and it's the same education, right? But people have this idea of prestige is attached to my self-esteem. And prestige is a French word, comes from a French word for deceit, right? But, I mean, I went to a community college. My life is just awesome. because I work hard, right? And ultimately, another point, you never want to tell a child they're smart. I mean, parents get so proud. You're so smart.

37:08Don't ever do that. Go, you work hard. Because if you tell them they're smart and they can't learn something, their self-esteem drops. If you go, I really like how hard you're working. And they come up with something hard, they work harder. And you also teach kids, because mentally strong people ask questions. And too often, it's like, no, I want to ask questions. I don't want to appear dumb. It's like mentally strong people, they ask questions. And so when I was in elementary school, I'd never ask a question. And then I realized, because I was in the Army and I took three years between high school and college and I was able to grow up.

37:47And I'm like, oh, you have to ask questions, right? I learned that in the Army. If you ask a question and somebody says no, ask somebody else because they're more likely to say yes, right? So I learned that. I don't just accept no. But in school, it's like, oh, let me ask questions. If I don't understand something, odds are people don't understand those well. What are some of those other statements that parents say to kids that they think they're saying the right thing, but they end up backfiring because they make it harder for the child to live up to that? What are some of those other statements?

38:19It'll be okay. Like, or I'll take care of it for you. If they're having problems with another child at school, immediately in the principal's office. They're not listening to the child and going, so how do you think you can handle that? Or what did they go and they fix it? And that's death to their self-esteem. Now, of course, if it's dangerous or bullying or abuse, you have to step in and take care of it. But for the day-to-day stuff, how do you think you can solve this? as opposed to, well, I had that problem when I was your age, and this is what I did, and this is what you should do. Don't do that because it steals their self-esteem.

39:05It steals their agency. What is it you can do? I'm rooting for you rather than, well, that's a dumb decision. Yeah, yeah. Well, I know. I'm rooting for you. I mean, that's so huge in our friendships. It's so huge in marriage. It's huge with kids. I think it's so easy to just say, this is what I did. This is what you should do. This is the right way to do it. This is easy. And we think we're basically doing a shortcut because we're not listening. We're not actually bonding. We're not connecting. And we're trying to jump to a conclusion that hopefully we think solves the issue. And a lot of this comes back to what we both mentioned in this conversation is that there's this subconscious ego attachment to the child succeeding as being a reflection of our self-esteem.

39:52Our self-worth, our self-esteem gets wrapped up in our child's self-worth and self-esteem. And now, you know, subconsciously we're living our dreams through them. That's not as basic as saying, I want my kid to be a doctor because I am. But there's other more subtle versions of that. How do people disconnect from that ego? Because it seems to be so subtle and so hidden, but it's there. And I think everyone notices it with their parents when their parents are acting in that way. But almost when we become parents, we're completely oblivious to that ego. And it's so important. It's often so toxic if someone is living an unrealized life that they pour a lot of it into their child.

40:40And it makes these kids miserable. and it doesn't give them a sense of agency. It constrains them and they often rebel against it as opposed to, what do you want to do? It'll make you a good living so I don't have to support you. And I love my six children, but I never want to have to live with them, right? So I want to create competent people who can care for themselves. It's like, oh, go live your dream, whether or not you can take care of yourself. And that's going to set them up to be miserable. If you're dependent on someone else, you're miserable. Entitled people are never happy. um another thing is and uh i posted this on tiktok and it got like seven million views um hallmark of mental strength um i don't do things for people who do not treat me with respect whoa so you know your child misbehaves you love them so much it doesn't matter you you know, give them everything they want anyways.

42:01Death. I don't do nice things for people who I feel don't treat me with respect. That doesn't mean you don't feed them. Of course you feed them, but you're not taking them to the store and you're not doing nice things for them. I mean, you need to teach them their consequences. So the third part, so it's goal setting, bonding so much there and so many mental illnesses are attached to attachments that become broken could you walk us through this so uh john bolby's sort of the famous attachment uh psychologist and he said that if we're not connected to our moms or dads um it puts us a great risk for mental health problems.

42:55And he's absolutely right. And often the break in the bond between your mother or your father, or it can be any primary caretaker, caretaker creates this rage inside of you. And then you feel guilt about the rage. And so you attack yourself. And you know many people who live with this negative chatter in their head. And it's often that specific dynamic that they're furious at their mother, their father, you know, perhaps a divorce happened when they were four or five, or they had a sibling die when they were four. Something happened. They get really angry, but that's not appropriate because these are the people that feed me.

43:48So rage, guilt about the rage, and then self-attack. And they've lived with that their whole lives. I can't tell you the number of people. And when you're four or five or six, you think of yourself at the center of the world. And so if something good happens, you sort of think it's because of you. If something bad happens, you think it's because of you. And you end up with this chronic sense of being bad. And there's a specific type of therapy I like. It's called intensive short-term dynamic psychotherapy. And it's often getting to the feelings underneath and rage and attachment. And guilt about the rage are often a significant piece of it.

44:40sometimes it's hard because I feel like a lot of people may be feeling like, you know, I don't understand my child. Like they're angry, they're upset. They, you know, they, they kind of want to disconnect. What do you do in that situation? Where do you start? Well, I think you first start with the simple things, time and look at what they're eating because that matters. I have one patient who would go on a rage whenever he got red dye. And people go, red dye? Yeah, red dye number 40. That's like every sweet and candy. Think of red vines. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's even in cough syrup for children or hard candies, red dye number 40.

45:34And he would go on a rage. And when they would take away red dye, he'd be fine. But sometimes he'd get it accidentally and he'd rage. And so I actually scanned him. You know, that's what I do. I look at people's brains. And so we scanned him, no red dye for a month. And his brain was healthy. We gave him red vines that have red dye number 40 in it. And his brain went like it exploded. that dramatic hyperactivity in his brain. And so if you're really struggling with your child and you use the principles Dr. Fay and I talk about in this book, and you're still struggling, it's probably a good idea to get them assessed.

46:21And on average, it's years between the time a child first has a symptom, anxiety, depression, OCD, ADD, between they have a symptom and they get assessed. And so many bright people go, I'd never give my kids drugs. And it's like, if he is diabetic, you give him drugs. If he had heart disease, you give him drugs. It's like, and I'm not advocating drugs, right? I mean, I own a supplement company, but I'm not opposed. If I do all the things I know how to do, then I use medicine to do it. People like don't really see the brain as an organ, right? They have to get the progression. Your brain, physical function of your brain creates your mind.

47:16And if your brain's not right, Your mind's not right. And so what are all the ways that a mind can be troubled, right? So if you have a child that's not sleeping, that has nightmares, that has tantrums that won't go away, they don't socially connect, they're obsessive. It's like at some point you have to go, what's going on in their brain? And there's a whole section in the book on brain health for kids. Of course, you've got to model it as a parent. But what you feed them matters. How much sleep they get matters. I have another really fun book called Time for Bed, Sleepy Head, which is a hypnotic bedtime story for children.

48:05I actually used to do it with my daughter, Brianne, when she was three. I did it from three until eight. She loved this story so much. And think of your kids in four big circles. They have a biology. So we talked about their brain. They have a psychology, how they think. They have a social circle, what's their environment like. And there's a spiritual circle, which both child psychiatrists wouldn't touch. But it's sort of like, why do you care? Why do you think you're on the planet? What's your sense of meaning and purpose? Because purposeful people are happier. Purposeful people, I mean, what am I on purpose, right?

48:49They live longer. And so nurturing those four circles is so important for the kids. Parking shouldn't slow you down. ParkWiz gives every driver a shortcut. Book ahead, save up to 50 % and skip the hassle of circling the block. Park smarter, park faster. ParkWiz. Download the ParkWiz app today and save every time you park. The risks they took would be unthinkable to any doctor today, but odds are someone you know is alive because of them. Welcome to the Wild West of American Medicine. I'm Chris Pine, and this is Cardiac Cowboys, a podcast that tells the gripping true story behind the birth of open-heart surgery and the maverick surgeons who made it happen.

49:37It changed the way we live. It changed the life expectancy of people throughout the world. I should be dead. The repair that he did when I was six years old saved me. A ragtag group of surgeons united by a common mission. Some appeared on the cover of Time magazine, operated on kings and advised presidents. Others ended up disgraced, penniless, convicted of felonies. Together, they ignited a revolution in medicine. It's as if a man landed on the moon and nobody even told the story, except this is more important.

50:34Every week on my new podcast, Fudd Around and Find Out, I'll give you an inside look at everything happening in my crazy life as I try to balance it all. From my travels across the globe to preparing for another run at the Natty with my Yukon Huskies to just trying to make it to my midterms on time, you'll get the inside scoop on everything. I'll be talking to some special guests about pop culture, basketball, and what it's like to be a professional athlete on and off the court. You'll even get to have some fun with the FUD family. So if you follow me on social media or watch me on TV, you may think you know me.

51:04But this show is the only place where you can really FUD around and find out. Listen to FUD around and find out, a production of iHeart Women's Sports in partnership with Unanimous Media on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What does loving discipline look like? Because I think it sounds good. Like we were all like, yeah, I would love to be disciplined, but I'd love to be loving. And often we don't even figure out what that means in the workplace, let alone with kids. We're either loving or disciplined, but we're not. I think it should be both. What does it look like?

51:39Well, you know, we haven't gotten to rules. I think families should have them. Society has rules, like tell the truth, do what mom and dad say the first time. I love that rule. Because do you know your chance of abusing the child? If you tell a child to do something five times, your chance of abusing that child just went up significantly. And so if you have the expectation they'll do things the first time, it's like, Caitlin, I want you to take out the trash. Like in the next half hour. And if she doesn't, it's like, sweetheart, you have a choice. You can take it out now or you can have this consequence and then you can take it out.

52:24I don't care. It's up to you. And I love that part of not being attached to it. I love her. I'm really clear. And she's getting that consequence if she doesn't move. Like, stop threatening them and then not following through. Because you teach them that you have to tell them and get angry and be a bit crazy in order for them to do what you ask them to do. And I like the rules and rhythms and routines. I remember in my home, after dinner, me and my sister would clean up and we had a little rotor of who washed up that day and who cleaned the table that day. And it was just something that went around every day.

53:05We'd take it in turns. And my sister was four years younger than me and we'd just do it together. And it became this thing that we just did. And it became natural. It became a habit and it made us accountable and responsible to each other as well, as well as our parents. And it was a really neat way of kind of giving us that rules. and, you know, I think sometimes we think of rules as like strict rules and guidelines, but actually it can be just a rhythm and a routine. And it's building competence and skill. And you're part of the family rather than you're entitled to live in that family. Yeah, yeah.

53:40And the earlier you start, the better it is for kids. I mean, it's hard if you not spend any time with children by the time they're 14. their friends are more important than you are. And that's the heartbreaking thing I've learned is if you're not spending time with them, their friends will take your place. And they may not have the advice. They may not have the right ear for you. And it makes them more vulnerable to all the scary stuff that's on social media. Well, I was going to ask you about that. I think a lot of challenges that parents have today are, my child is addicted to social media.

54:25They're addicted to their phone. Forget spending time with them. I can't even get them to look up and make eye contact. What have you seen? What have you experienced? There's a whole section on technology. Yes. You can have technology. And I recommend you delay it as long as humanly possible because it's not in their best interest. but you can have technology as long as it's not creating a problem in the family. And if we're not connecting, that's a problem in the family. If you're at dinner, now you can't be on your phone all dinner and tell your child they can't be on theirs, right? So probably everybody should put their phones away so you can connect, right?

55:10Modeling mentally strong parents ultimately raised mentally strong kids. But the problem with social media, and you're on social media, I'm on social media, it creates this toxic level of self-absorption. You know, who's looking at me? Who am I looking at? Who's following me? And self-absorbed people are never, never happy. but that's become such a challenge now right that it's it's the thing everyone's addicted to it's the thing everyone wants it's like you said parents are on their phones they're not going to stop straight away what do you see being the silver lining or the light and at the end of a tunnel that's going to have that breakthrough with a child like what what do you think that would be well you know i'd go back to delay it as long as you can even you know if the child's like everybody's doing it because everybody's not doing it.

56:12But it's like, I love you so much, I'm going to protect you. All the studies, all of them say that it makes kids more vulnerable to bad things. And then - What's it doing to our brain? What's social media doing to our brain? Well, addicting that. There's a book I love called Thrilled to Death. It's continually pressing on your nucleus accumbens that produces dopamine, continually pressing on the pleasure centers in your brain. But the problem with that is the more you press on them, they begin to become numb. And you need more and more excitement, more and more stimulation in order to feel anything at all.

57:04And, you know, I see it with the wonderful, famous people I've been blessed to see. I see it in kids who are addicted. I mean, there are actually programs. and I've sent a number of kids away to video game internet addiction program. And when they get away from it, they become sweet again. I had one kid who parents took away video games. He broke up all the furniture in his room. And I'm like, needs a program. What we decided to do, take away all the gadgets, good. And I scanned him a month later. And then I scanned him while he was playing one of the violent video games he was addicted to. And it deactivated his frontal lobes and his left temporal lobe, which is an area that's often involved in violence.

57:59Like, it's not a good thing. What about parents that are, you know, parents that are going through a divorce, going through a difficult time? What's the healthiest way to communicate that to a child? I know couples that are staying together for the children. They don't want to get divorced, even though they don't have a healthy relationship. I know others who had the divorce, but they're so scared about how that impacts the child. What have you seen through the neuroscience and research around when you're staying together or breaking up? So it's not good. Divorce is not good for the child. but staying in a chronically unhappy, conflicted, negative relationship is worse.

58:45So neither is good. I often say to the people I see, the best thing you can do for your child is love your spouse. The best thing you can do, model a healthy relationship. But there's no education in school on how to have a healthy relationship, right? So there should be. that would be helpful. When you go through a divorce, be really careful not to talk bad about the other person because that child is half you and half them. If you're talking bad about their mother, they feel bad about themselves. Plus, it increases cortisol in their body and makes it much more likely to be sick. So bad thing.

59:35Often, if you're going to get divorced, go to counseling together and figure out how we are going to parent together. Raising mentally strong kids is great. Like we're going to parent this way. You know, we have goals. We have time together. We have rules. One thing we didn't talk about yet is notice what you like more than what you don't, right? My whole penguin story is in there, which I think I've probably told here before, but I'd love that. Notice what you like. Every day you're shaping your child by what you notice. You're shaping your partner. You're shaping your employees. You're shaping everybody by what you pay attention to.

1:00:20And so notice what you like more than what you don't. And that really solidifies the kind part of effective parenting. I've also been thinking a lot about, I was sharing with some families over last week when I was doing some events, this idea around how mindfulness and meditation can look very different for children. And so I don't think all kids need to be forced to sit in one place and close their eyes. I also think that mindfulness can be an activity of, hey, when you're outside today, see if you can find as many red things as possible. Like when you go outdoor today, come back and give me a list of things that you found that were red?

1:00:59Or can you find as many leaves that look like stars or any stones that look like stars today when you're out and about? And I think mindfulness can actually become alive when we're actually living it and breathing it when they're out and about, as opposed to this feeling of kids need to learn it in a certain way. What have you seen with - And they don't sit well. Yes, exactly. That's my point. And it doesn't mean they have ADHD. It may mean their nervous system isn't fully myelinated, right? It's not fully myelinated. For people that don't know what that means, when you're born, you actually don't have much myelin in your brain.

1:01:35As we develop, our neurons get wrapped with a white fatty substance called myelin. And a myelinated neuron works 10 to 100 times faster than an unmyelinated one. and when we're two months old, our occipital lobes in the back vision become myelinated. And so when you look at a baby and smile, they smile back. They don't do it as newborns because their visual cortex isn't working fast. And then slowly myelination goes from the back and comes to the front when finishes about when we're 25. And so expecting the child to act like an adult, bad, bad, bad. But you can teach them self-soothing techniques from the age of four.

1:02:27I think take a big breath, really slow, slow as you can. Breathe it out as slow as you can. And that'll come when they get anxious. So, you know. Yeah, what I'm hearing from you today is that it's really helping them develop the tools that they're going to need long term. the challenge is we need to know what those tools are ourselves and do them for ourselves to really believe in them because otherwise we like you said we rush to solve their problems we try and make up for their losses they never get to become independent resilient individuals and talk to us about where love fits into all of this like what does love look like with your child beyond time and beyond certain things you've said today, what does love really look like?

1:03:17What does love mean? Because I think when you think about what parents ultimately want, they want to be loving parents. That's what everyone wants to do. They want to love their child. But love overcomes as overcompensating. Love often translates as over-solving, over-fixing, over-doing and overwhelming and forcing them to be overachievers. And so even though we love them, we end up doing all these things that cause them pain. So love is when you want to bring their homework to school. It's not. Because you love them and you want the best for them, which is becoming mentally strong. That's love.

1:03:57Love is putting away your phone and spending time with them. Love is when they go, and when they're 10 and go, all my friends have a phone. What if a school shooter comes and I can't get a hold of you? Children are manipulative. Quite frankly, all of us are manipulative. And it's like, you know, there are just too many risks with that. That's love. It's setting boundaries in a kind, consistent way. and ultimately love is you developing these tools so you can be firm and kind at the same time. Beautiful. Dr. Daniel Amen, everyone. The book is called Raising Mentally Strong Kids, How to Combine the Power of Neuroscience with Love and Logic to Grow Confident, Kind, Responsible and Resilient Children and Young Adults.

1:04:51If you don't have a copy already, go and grab yours right now. Dr. Daniel Amen, what a gift to talk to you again about this subject. Like we've said, you've come on many, many times. First time that we've really dove into kids and raising them. And I'm so grateful that you put this book together for everyone else to read and share. And I hope that parents will develop book clubs around it, communities around it, because I think this conversation of raising mentally strong kids needs to be at the center of our schools, our homes, our families, because it's going to set them up and set our society and world up for so much success.

1:05:28So thank you so much for doing this, honestly. Thank you, my friend. Thank you. If you love this episode, you'll love my interview with Dr. Gabor Mate on understanding your trauma and how to heal emotional wounds to start moving on from the past. Everything in nature grows only where it's vulnerable. So a tree doesn't grow where it's hard and thick, does it? It grows where it's soft and green and vulnerable. Parking shouldn't slow you down. ParkWiz gives every driver a shortcut. Book ahead. Save up to 50 % and skip the hassle of circling the block. Park smarter, park faster, ParkWiz. Download the ParkWiz app today and save every time you park.

1:06:06I'm Radhi Devlukia and I'm the host of a Really Good Cry podcast and I have the opportunity to talk to Logan Uri. If you're out there trying to date right now, being ghosted on Hinge or want to create a dating profile that gives you a solid chance of matching with someone you actually want to go on a date with, then this episode with Hinge's Director of Relationship Science, Logan Ury is definitely for you. Relationships do require work. The best relationships are people who really work on them together. Listen to A Really Good Cry on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

1:06:36I'm Jonathan Goldstein, and on the new season of Heavyweight... And so I pointed the gun at him and said, this isn't a joke. A man who robbed a bank when he was 14 years old. And a centenarian rediscovers a love lost 80 years ago. How can a 101-year-old woman fall in love again? Listen to Heavyweight on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an iHeart Podcast.